If I Were You - 89: Italia-no

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

In this episode we discuss our show ending, our belly buttons beginning, and Italian restaurants.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. I'm going to shit! Another podcast, each app different from the last. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook Show! Meet your two pathetic hoes. Seconds. Get your hands up, fam. Turn on your lighters, dudes, because there's only two more fucking episodes

of this podcast left. So I want everybody singing and swaying to that theme song. We're going out. There's like five or, yeah. Really? Yeah, actually this episode comes out on August 4th, which is right before your 40th. Wow. Yeah. I'm still 39 as we're going out. There's like five or six, yeah. Really? Yeah, actually this episode comes out on August 4th, which is right before your 40th.

Wow. Yeah. I'm still 39 as we're recording it. Correct. Forever young, I will be forever young. Your nose is bleeding a little. And your hair plugs are falling out. Do you really wanna bleed forever?

Your hearing aid is dialed up. Forever young, I wanna bleed forever young. Vineers cracking. God, you got so much surgery, man. Yeah, we're still ending the show, that's for sure, but it'll be on September 15th. We sort of dropped it into the end of the last episode. Yeah.

And I guess we weren't entirely clear. There was no warning, so a lot of people were blindsided. Yeah. Some people didn't even hear it, so they weren't even aware that it's happening. Yeah, and then. I guess I wanted to get it out as early as possible, but we didn't really, we didn't circle up

on the messaging or the announcement. So it just sort of. Ripped the bandaid. Forwarded out into the end of the episode. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And then there was some speculation on Reddit if there's any nefarious reasons or any specific things that happened, a falling out.

Yes. A bankruptcy. So Amir and I are locked in litigation. A cancellation. A libel lawsuit. I won't sign an NDA. He won't sign a do not disparage. I will sign a cease, not a desist. Jake's the opposite.

So we're at sort of an impasse. Release the Hurwitz files. Release the Blumenfeld cut. There's no like grand reason or secret one specific thing. I think it's just, you know, we've been doing this podcast for 12 years. Actually, if we're talking about timing and synergy, Head Gum this week, when the time this episode comes out,

is celebrating its 10 year anniversary. Wow, yeah, that's big. A decade of headgum. When we started the headgum in August of 2015, our show was so important. It was like the flagship show. We needed it because it funded everything else. It propped up the whole network.

Yeah, and the goal was to keep growing the network to the point where we would become the middle-est show, and then eventually the smallest show, and eventually our show is so insignificant to headgum that we can do whatever the fuck we wanted. And it's sort of taken a decade, but we're kind of there now. Yeah, our goal, I do believe our goal was always

to be the smallest show on the network. Keep adding big shows, keep adding great employees, so that we're slowly, slowly becoming a less important part of the network. And that was our lasting legacy. Yeah, we funded the operation, the office, the employees, the studio, all of the podcasts. We we we like did the marketing effort. We were building a raft for our own Viking funeral.

Yeah, and now it's, I mean, I guess there's just the simple fact that it's been 12 years, that it's been such a long time and it's like, I am tired. Of course. And if the show was like a mega hit and still growing, we'd probably be more incentivized, but I guess it's more like plateauing where we have the same dedicated following,

which we do appreciate. And we love you. And that's why we kept it going for this long. But the question is, if we didn't need to do this, if we could do anything we wanted, would we still start a podcast after 12 years of podcasting? 10 years of head-gumming.

We probably wouldn't. Shout out to my sisters, Hannah and Sarah. Shout out to Allison Williams. All of the day ones that are still listening. I know you're out there, Sarah and Hannah. You really think Allison's still listening? I mean, I think so. Yes, I do think so.

She's loyal. Let's read names of our friends and see which ones of them text us. Yeah. Yeah. We should talk shit about them and that'll be more likely to get back to them. Yeah, that's good.

So like Jesse was like, well, you're stopping your podcast. I'm like, do you even still listen? And he's like, yeah, I still listen. Okay, Jesse, so text me. Yeah, right. Jesse's a joke. So text me.

Text me if you listen. If you listen, so why haven't I received a text message yet? Yeah. And if I have, then I'm listen. Okay, Jesse, so text me. Yeah, right, Jesse's a joke. So text me. Text me if you listen. If you listen, so why haven't I received a text message yet? And if I have, then I'm sorry, like I didn't mean to call you out. Then you're awesome. I didn't mean to say you were a joke, Jesse. I think you're the man. I'm a joke. He texted me at 712 a.m. on Monday.

Wow, you really are a huge man. You're the man. Just flying on a Helix mattress, canceling subscriptions with rocket money, sitting in his me undies. Are you kidding me? That's amazing. Snacking on his factor mule.

Such a supporter. So maybe the show has run its course. Maybe we are less excited. We're more excited about the potential, the free time to do other things. I would say I'm still excited to potentially do live shows or more Patreon content, like one-off segments that we've been doing are more fun than the obligation

of needing to do a podcast every single week. Like you're going out of town next week and we have to batch record. That's something I'm not necessarily looking forward to. Yeah, I think it is just a lot of little things. Like our schedules, since I have another podcast that I have to record a lot for, and I have a child that I have to care for.

And you're often on the- And three more on the way. Yeah, congrats, Chilt. Have you talked about the Chiltlets? Yeah. Yeah. Much like your little sisters, you're sort of running it back.

Right, runs in the family. Yeah, I mean, like there is just, time is, there's less time. So we do have to fill the time that we have recording this podcast. And I think if we didn't have this podcast, then maybe we do get to like kind of focus on some of the other creative endeavors

that we've like put on the back burner because this has been a machine that needed constant fuel for 12 years. Here's an idea I had for a live show that I've never even told you. I don't think so. It's just something I was. I don't have the energy, I don't have the bandwidth.

I don't have the drive nor the desire nor the time. I was wondering if maybe it could be even fun to talk about it. I don't even have the time to do that. I am. You're leaving. You're walking. Of my rope with you, dude.

Seven minutes and 40 seconds. And I am suing you. And you will cease to be deceased. That takes a long time too. God, I don't have time to do that because I'm up to my fucking ears at paperwork. I have to fucking read the summons. I have to write the fine print. I want your idea for this. There's no time for any of this. I have to fucking read the summons. I have to write the fine print.

There's no time for any of this. What's the show? Okay, the show is called Jake and Amir Do Stand Up at the Same Time. Interesting. That was a bit in one of our live shows a long time ago. Correct. So it's like that for a full hour.

Sometimes it's just me, sometimes it's just you, sometimes it's crosstalk, sometimes it's like pre-written sketches, sometimes it's just you, sometimes it's crosstalk, sometimes it's like pre-written sketches, sometimes it's bits, sticks, shdicks, whatever. But the name of the show is two people trying to do standup for the first time at the same time. That's good, that's good.

I can see that being a talked about show at Edinburgh Fringe. We would have to spend a month in August in Scotland. But we'd have time because we don't need to batch record the podcast leading up to it. Exactly, and Jem at that point, I think will be self-sustaining like as a three-year-old, you could probably leave her at home for weeks at a time

and she can figure it out. She'll have her own podcast. She'll be bringing in the bacon. Yes, exactly. She'll be supporting your fledgling live show that's not necessarily profitable either, but could be fun. It's a passion project. It's a passion project.

It's a passion project. Yeah, you know, I guess that's also what it is. It's time for us to do a passion project. We have been, this has been the most practical era of our lives. Yeah. Where we just plugged in, clocked in, did a podcast, built a company,

and now, I'm gonna lightly retire as a 40-year-old. Of course, because your 20s was Jake and Amir, your 30s was Headgum, and now it's like exactly at 40 what happens from 40 to 50, let's figure it out. That's me back to the theater, live experiences. Yes, which was always your passion at the beginning. You were always a theater actor at heart and a live performer to the nth degree.

Your Shakespearean training will finally get paid off. Yeah, let's see, opening of our act. You guys heard about this? People talking about this? No. Okay. Okay. That's fine too. Forget I said anything.

Yeah. Well, we're gonna have to run this live show in front of audiences of two to four people at first just to get our sea legs again. Yeah, yeah. But it can grow from there. And the fact that it says Jake and Amir in the title is incentive enough for people to be intrigued, let alone the stand up part.

Yeah, I think we've just been kind of omnipresent for a while, so it's time for us to just go back behind the curtain and recharge. That's awesome. And like I said, we will be, I mean, there's so many other things that we do, so it's actually not like we're disappearing, even though I'm talking about it like we are.

Right, we're still gonna be on the Headcom Podcast and we're still gonna be on our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. That's right, so support us there to fund our creative endeavors. And now we're still here for the next five weeks. I think you developed a rancor-based segment for me right now.

I rankled something together. Okay. So I have 13 rankers here. 13 reasons why. Yeah. You will listen to them, I will not repeat them, and then you will rank them in order of what you want to do the most to want to do the least,

or is it the other way around? Or does it not really matter? I think it's the thing I'd be down to do the most all the way down to the thing I despise the most. Okay. So we'll go from one to 13. Got it. Okay.

One, the first rank. You are never stuck in traffic, Okay, one, the first rank. You are never stuck in traffic, but your car is always hot. So it's like a hot day I get in there and I can't turn on the AC or roll down the windows. Like, yeah, like a hot summer day, like it's been baking in the sun while you were shopping at the mall or at a movie.

Two hours sun banked, sun banked banked, sun banked, excuse me. Every time you go to the barber within reason, you have to ask for a beard trim. And once they're started, you also have to whisper, and do you do pubes? So that sort of ruins every haircut I get going forward. You'll never be able to go to the same person. Yeah, or you'll have to go to the one person

and it'll be your inside joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, here it goes again. Yeah, I don't do pubes. Your hair will be shoulder length. Avital will be cutting it. Yeah, but I have to make the pubes joke. Your belly button is moved six inches in any direction that I choose.

Could it be left? Could be wherever the hell I want. Six inches from where it exists right now. I fear you'll go down, which is right below my balls. It's, that's my prerogative. I might be a nice guy. What if I have an umbilical scrotum? And it could be up to six inches.

So I could be really nice and just move it a half an inch to the left. Do you trust me? No. Imperceptibly left would also kind of be annoying. Probably the best thing I could do is like a quarter inch down, basically nothing. And if anything, it'll make it look like

you have a longer torso. But yeah, I could put it on the tip of your cock if I wanted. If yeah, I could put it on the tip of your cock if I wanted. If necessary, within reason. Actually, imperceptibly left is what I would describe my political leanings this day as well. That's good. So that could actually match that.

Whenever you have soup, you have to say, so good after every bite. I had pho yesterday, would that count? Yes. If I'm by myself, still have to utter it. Yep, so good. So good. It's not that bad.

Yeah, but if it's just like an airport lentil, I have to say that. You'd be lying. It's embarrassing to be so low class. You never have to pee or poop again, but you have to always wear an adult diaper just in case. I feel like you've done a no poop one before. Sounds really weird.

It's possible. It's like somewhere in the recess of my brain, something I kind of want. Be cool to just never. Incessant urination issue. Yeah. You get a lip ring and you have an amazing singing voice. Tom DeLong style.

Does he have both? I don't know if he still has his lip ring, but yeah, for a long time he had the lip ring on the lower right side of his lip. Okay, can I adjust that one for you, just because a lip ring is an auto lasting I'd ever want in my life. Like I don't care what is left on this thing. There's no way I'd help.

I'll move it to you have to get a lip ring pierced, but you don't have to actually wear it. Oh, okay. All right, fair enough. So there's a hole there, which is also really, really bad for me, but not quite bad as the lip ring itself. Right, okay. So it would be a stud you wear for a day

and then can remove. That's good, okay. Also really, I can't imagine anything worse than that, but let's see. Okay, you have to adopt a French accent and you have to go by Mimi. By what? Mimi, Mimi.

You shouldn't have repeated yourself. That was a test. Fuck. Joseph Gordon Levitt. This episode is over. That's an auto-PQ. You've been wrecked. Thank you.

This was a head-gum. If we didn't give a shit anymore, we shouldn't do that. Yeah, for anybody out there saying we're ending because we don't give a shit, that's only half true. If we really didn't give a shit anymore, we should do that. Yeah, for anybody out there saying we're ending because we don't give a shit, that's only half true. If we really didn't give a shit, we would end it on that. Joseph Gordon Levitt visits Headcombe, guests on our podcast, and as we thank him, we stand up and leave, he pantses you,

and it all comes down, caught on camera. Hog and all. With your little belly button moved just above your groin. Just so. This is based on when you pantsed me and I lost my shit and started hitting you in public. Yeah, you punched me. Yeah.

Release a tape of your Battle of the Bands stand up where you were heckled so hard. Yeah. That you had to walk off stage. I was heckled within an inch of my life. I wish I remembered where that was. Maybe I destroyed it in fear that day. It's possible, just for this moment.

Yeah. You have to write me into your will. Any amount? It should be a meaningful amount. I should be made whole. What does that mean? Something like- A phenomenon.

All earnings from your likeness posthumously or something like that. Cutting Avital out of being able to profit from your life's work and it would be all me. You want it all. I deserve it all. You have to go to a bachelorette party every weekend for a year.

That could be fun. Could be fun. Do I know the person? No, you don't. A random bachelorette could be not fun. It is a random bachelorette party. Yeah. Like a wine tasting and that's not really my speed.

Yeah. And it might be a wine tasting. It might be a club. It might be a trip to Palm Springs. You are every weekend taken up with a bachelorette party where you know nobody. And I'm there, do they want me there? Yeah, they understand the deal.

They got like some kind of Compensation. Discount on their Airbnb if you are there. Yeah. It's like they've bought in. They're not annoyed, but they don't necessarily want me there. Right, exactly. They're kind annoyed, but they don't necessarily want me there. Right, exactly. They're kind of like.

I'm a necessary evil. Yeah, they're kind of like, oh, we can even just ignore this guy. Yeah. And maybe some people will take pity on you and invite you into the activities or conversation, or maybe you'll just be on your phone on the couch the entire time, making people uncomfortable.

You are at a hen do, but behaving like a hen don't. Meaning? Kiss cam. You're on a Coldplay concert kiss cam, a la the Astronoma. I don't know if you've seen this. Have you seen this? No.

Did you see this? No. Are people talking about this? You guys familiar? No. You're caught on a kiss cam at a Coldplay concert with a headgum podcaster. Men, female, in an affair?

In an affair style. Wow. Yeah. That's international embarrassing. That might take the cake. And it could be anyone from Rachel Billson to Ian Carmel. You don't know who it will be. I choose. Either way, I'm hugging from behind, singing.

But they were all yellow. It's almost as embarrassing to recreate it as a meme too. It's like, all of it's bad. Okay, last one. Open up Instagram and the first 10 stories you see, you have to DM them and say, swing and a miss. Yeah, that's good. That's real good.

That's good stakes for a bet. Thanks. Okay. Let me sit with these during the break. I'll come back after these messages and I'll rank and they'll be ranked. You've got some soul searching to do. Oh yeah.

I don't imagine a world where I finish this episode today. It needs to be a week off. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our program. Thank you Rocket Money. A lot of people, Jake, aren't aware of how much money they spend each month. Wow, and you should be.

Yeah, do you know how many subscriptions you pay for? It might be more than you think. I pay for 1,100 different subscriptions and apps. Yeah. I'm recruiting charges. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash segments, rocketmoney.com slash segments. Thanks Rocket Money. Thank you. Thank you to Salie for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Salie. Salie for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Salie. Salie is a new eSIM service app brought to you by the creators of NordVPN.

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So if you're traveling abroad soon, don't forget to download the SALE app or go to www.sale. So if you're traveling abroad soon, don't forget to download the SALEE app or go to www.salee.com slash segments. That's S-A-I-L-Y dot com slash segments. Boom. Thanks SALEE. Thank you. And we're back. I gotta say this is a good list. Some of the items while considering them did move me to tears. Really? That means a lot.

Yeah, I don't know if you saw, but I was openly weeping at the idea of some of these. I'll get into it later, but it was really, really hard to process the belly button. Because I think I have some like pent up shit with how I was born or something like that. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely fair. I'm sorry to hear that.

I called my mom during this consideration part and she had a lot to say about how I was conceived, delivered, and my first week on earth, which I guess was spent in an incubator due to jaundice-related issues. Yeah, I'm happy she picked up. She doesn't usually do that. I think a lot of that is coming up in the belly blow.

It's all coming out. Let's start with something that I kind of wouldn't mind that much, which was a JoGo visit, because he seems like a good guy. Joseph Gordon-Levitt visits HeadGum, guests on the show, which is gonna be good, and then pantses me, which might be funny for everyone else. And it doesn't necessarily make me look bad

because after all, I'm nine inches flaccid. Nice. I think because of the way I was either conceived or bored, stretched my neck. Or circumcised. Stretched my member. Or that it's actually my own bill cord and not my penis. Because it is purple. Which breaks the belly button thing.

And looks like an esophagus. So we'll start with that one as the thing I most don't mind. Joseph Gordon-Levitt visits Headgum. That's fine, okay. Another one I think people will take as a goof is me saying swing and a miss. It's kind of mean, but not necessarily not my brand to text that to.

And some of these are like, you know, famous people. Like if I say this to Anthony Davis, that's fine. If I say this to, you know, some friends of mine, that's fine. An old this to some friends of mine, that's fine, an old head gum intern might be weird, Streeter's okay, stuff like that. I'll take the chance. Is Streeter's posted on Story right now? Let me see this.

No, it was his wife actually. I see. I know that post because it was of their kids and it would be really fucked up to say that. That's swing and a miss. Oh hi. Struders wife on a post of his child. Swing and a miss.

Swing and a miss. Yeah but that's better than being caught cheating of course. Third I'm gonna go never stuck in traffic because that's like a positive, whereas all these other ones are just the negative without the joy. So the negative of that one is that your car's always hot. But I can- But the positive is incredible. Yeah.

Yeah, I fear cold more than heat, as you know. That's why I chose Southern California over New York City, although I hear there's a heat wave in New York. It is 100 degrees today. Yeah, but I never minded that as much as I did the cold weather. So if it's really hot in my car, it's not the worst thing in the world,

especially if I get to avoid traffic. Yeah. I completely, that's kinda cool. I can just get anywhere in LA in 20 minutes. Totally. Can't hate that. Do I have a special lane? How do I avoid traffic if it's Friday at five?

It's the HOV lane. That's just yours. That's cool. And in the winter in LA when it's kind of chilly out, my car's really hot, which is kind of nice too. Right, maybe. Okay. Could also be kind of tough

because you're dressing warm, but yeah, anyway. Fourth, I'll go the soup one because that's a private embarrassment. If I eat soup by myself, so good. Most of the time I'll go the soup one, because that's a private embarrassment. If I eat soup by myself, so good. Most of the time I'll be with Avi Tal, she'll be like, okay, that's a weird tick of his, but it's not a public shaming, and it doesn't change my body in any way, shape, or form.

That's correct. And how often do I eat soup? Twice a week, 100 times a year. You eat soup kind of a lot, that's why I came up with it. Yeah, I do eat soup a lot. You think I eat soup too much? You eat it in your hot car.

Just a fucking pumpkin bisque and it's 98 degrees in there and I'm listening to 98 degrees. So good. So good. My tongue is burning. Okay, back to back hot ones. Let's get a little cool over here. Belly button is moved in six inches in any direction.

That's a private shame between me and my lord. Nobody sees me naked anymore ever. I refuse to be anything less than completely clothed next to Avital so she'll never notice it as well. Which way? I gotta know now that I'm gonna put it fifth, where am I moving that belly button? It's onto your taint, yeah. Yeah, I was gonna hope that maybe you nudged it

imperceptibly to the left, which you said was an option. I was in play, but once taint was floated, it was always gonna be taint, always. Release the tape of Battle of Band Stand-Up, I'll go six, because while it will be embarrassing, at the very least it's 20 years old and people might find it endearing to see like, oh, Amir from Jake and Amir releases a tape

and he wasn't good at stand-up in 2003. Wow, can you believe that? He was never funny. That sucks. Swing and a miss. Correct, but at least I fucking went for it. I'll say to every single comment on Reddit that replies. That sucks. Swing and a miss. Correct. But at least I fucking went for it. I'll say to every single comment on Reddit that replies.

Now we're getting into some pretty annoying things. Like the Bachelorette party will completely usurp every weekend, but only for a year. Right. I also, I kind of like pooping and peeing. It's a relief in my life, and it's not hard for me to do, fortunately, for now. Yeah.

So, and I don't wanna wear a diaper. Right, especially if your car is hot. Yes, exactly. So why don't we go last with every time I go to the barber, because I don't do that many times. I'll do like once every month or two, so that's only like five or six embarrassing moments a year, versus like adopting a French accent. I'll have to do every, that's every day for the

rest of my life or something. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That is a forever thing. That's bad. That will change everything. Oui, oui. Oui, oui, oui. Oui, oui. And then I'll go Bachelorette Seventh because while that's annoying, maybe that's fun.

It'll get me out of my shell. I can meet some new people. Maybe I'll actually get along with some of them. And again, at the end of the year, it will be called. I will be paid in full. It's over. That's good. Yes, it's over. And now we're down to the bad, the really bad ones.

Yeah. I don't want a lip ring. I don't want to have a French accent. That's true. I don't want to write you into my will. I think I deserve that. And I don't want to be caught publicly cheating. Right.

The will thing is after I die. So like it's a big fuck you, but I don't have to deal with the repercussions. Right, Avi told us. I was like, oh my God, yeah, why did you leave it all to Jake? Oh well, he's dead now, I can't be that mad. You don't have to leave it all to me.

I think it's just something that will make me be like, yeah, that's cool with him. Something like. That's a good atta boy. Whatever is in your like. Like the Bacardi money we made. Yeah, like for the, or your, no, a little more than that. College Humor 401K.

That's, you know, it's high. My retirement fund. Yeah, but it's, you've stopped contributing to it when you were 30, so it's not like. Yeah, yeah. It's not still growing. Money you'd necessarily ever had. Yeah.

Yeah. So it'd be that, something like that. Oh, I hope it's still growing. The S&P 500 has really outperformed itself in the last few years. Right, no, yeah, it's growing, but you're not adding to it. I'll go that one, which I think is 10. That means a lot.

That really does mean a lot. Thank you for that. Now we're down to the Coldplay Kiss Cam, the French accent, and the lip ring Wait, you said you add peer poop you put that be ahead of the barber Yeah, I was somewhere in the five six seven range. Okay It's really gonna that diaper is gonna chafe your belly button. Yeah, I didn't love it I didn't love it. Okay, but at the very least I'm not publicly shamed and I don't have to pierce my lip forever. Yeah, I didn't love it. I didn't love it. But at the very least, I'm not publicly shamed

and I don't have to pierce my lip forever. I think I'll go lip ring third to last because it's a stud for a day, which is really annoying to me and bad and painful. I cannot believe that. And then hopefully a hole that I can cover with beard hair. Yeah. And forget about with beard hair. Yeah. And forget about after the fact.

Right. And then I have an amazing singing voice. That's, I mean, I would have done this first. This would have been awesome. Which I borderline kind of, I don't know if you know, but I've been taking like. Already do. Your eyes tell the story of a day you wish you could.

I can only sing songs that lip-ringed people would sing as the one last wrinkle. I don't have an amazing opera voice. Then I'm down to the Coldplay-esque kiss camera, the speaking with a French accent for the rest of my life. Both would ruin my life in very unique ways. However, I think the kiss cam would ruin my life in a way that I could then move to somewhere

and speak like a normal person. I would just move to like Canada or Portugal and start my life anew and people would forget about who I was and what my life was before that. Yeah, and you'd be living there with, and people would forget about who I was and what my life was before that. Yeah. Like nobody would remember. And you'd be living there with, like, you'd be living there with, I don't know, one of the newest HeadGum podcasters.

Right. Let's say Jamie from Landlines. Okay, so me and Jamie, because in this hypothetical situation, our affair is the beginning of a new beautiful relationship. It's not a one-off. Yeah, it's a happy ending, really. Yeah.

Okay, so I'll do that second to last. And then maybe Avital will even forgive me because it was like a one-time fling. Yeah, she won't. Not if you wrote her out of your will, which you did to write me in, but yeah. I mean, she's cheated on me five, six, seven times. So this is like one public one,

which is actually even the playing field. Cause three of those times were with me. And then I think last I'll go oddly enough, adopt a French accent because I'm taking it out at face value. And for me to speak that way forever is a life ruining decision, not only for me, but for others.

Yeah. Nobody would want that. Yeah, that's true. They would think I'm mentally broken for me, but for others. Yeah. Nobody would want that. Yeah, that's true. They would think I'm mentally broken for me to have that instantly. And then I also have to change my name and there's no positive at the end of that one. There's no, but you have an amazing

croissant collection now. No, you are just Mimi. You've become Mimi. A mime, a French Canadian queen of a mime. Okay, so that's my order. All right, it's not bad. It's not bad. Any shocking revelations in there?

I mean, I'm pretty shocked that lip ring, especially because it's only for a day, I can't believe that would be after giving me your money after you die. Yeah, but that's after I die. You can do anything your money after you die. Yeah, but that's after I die. You can do anything to me after I die. Like I'm trying to maximize the joy of being alive first and foremost.

Yeah, I think some of these ones, I would, yeah. Anything that's like physical on my body, I think I would have ranked a little bit lower, like needing to wear diapers or having my belly button moved, I think would have been, I probably would have, personally, I would have had the affair way higher. That would have been number one.

Hell, I'll fucking do it anyway. And at what, I get like a singing voice or some shit? Whatever. I get to go to a Coldplay concert. And that's part of the bet bet or do I have to pay for that going forward? All right, cool. That was a really good ranker.

Potentially our last ranker. Potentially. Potentiality. I gotta write another poem now that I think about it to go off on. Yeah, you should go off on a win. Like we gotta book in this Haun situation. Haun part two.

Part two. Okay, let's take one last break, come back, and I got one mini game for you after these messages. One more segment. Nice. Okay, here we go. This segment is called Italiano or No. Very cool.

So you're gonna say things that are Italian or made up? Sort of. I found a list of the best Italian restaurants in New York and they all had silly names, so I'm like, I bet I can come up with some silly names and make Jake guess, is this an actual top rated Italian restaurant in New York or one that I made up? Yeah, this will be good.

I'm trying to go out to eat more. I really don't, but, so this will be inspiring for me. Yeah, I'm surprised any restaurants survived the pandemic quite frankly. Like not only did it like halt any sort of in dining for a year or two, but like people just got used to not going to restaurants anymore. Yeah, yeah, but I think people really missed,

I mean restaurants are back in a big way. Yeah. They are back in a big way, people missed it. Uh, I guess so. Well let's see if you wanna go to these real or fake Italian restaurants. We're gonna start with Nana Noni. N-A-N-A.

N-O-N-I. Nana Noni. It sounds like it's definitely possible because an Italian name is N-O-N-I. Or possible. Right. Nice. And one of my favorite-

That's the kind of joke you would expect that Jake and Amir do stand up at the same time. So would we be, you would be doing them off of me? Potentially, or at the same time, or alternating, or finishing each other's punchline. We could go all over the place. Yeah, it's off of me. Potentially, or at the same time, or alternating, or finishing each other's punchline. We could go all over the place. Yeah, it's kind of fun.

One of my favorite places to order from every once in a while is La Nona. So, it's kind of close. Try not to editorialize with fun little stories like that. That was the point of the segment. It really needs to be just Italiano or no. I'll say no. All right, that's correct.

So you order from La Nona or something? What do you get? They have vodka sauce. All di la. All di la. All D la. Ooh. That kind of sounds familiar. I feel like I'm like picturing an awning with all D la.

I'll say true. Correct. That is all D la is one of the best Italian restaurants in New York city according to Eater. Where is it? I don't know. Okay. Do your own fucking research.

All dealah. Pretend this is the COVID vaccine. All dealah trattoria. Where's that? It is in, it looks like it's in Union Square area. No wait. Interesting. What? No, it's not, sorry, excuse me. This is in Park Slope. Okay. Something to think about.

Yeah. Now get your hands off the keyboard so you don't cheat. Number three, Lenny's Clam Bar. Lenny's Clam Bar. There's a place near me that's a clam bar. It's called Lenny's Clam Bar? Lenny's Clam Bar. These aren't like famous ones or they are?

Top rated. Top rated. Top rated? So famous if you're a foodie, which clearly you're not. That I think it's, I will say yes. Correct, Lenny's Clam Bar. It's three for three. Where is Lenny's Clam Bar? It really doesn't matter.

Howard Beach? It really, it really doesn't matter. These are hardly in New York. Howard Beach? A101. A101. I don't know. I think no, La Nona. Correct!

Four for four, this is unprecedented. Incredible, let's end the podcast here. Last episode, last moment of the show. Jake batting a thousand in this segment. Lasagna. Lasagna. It's just called lasagna. Yes. I'll say no. Correct. Five for five.

Do you wanna double it or just fucking bank your money? You're up five dollars. Let's let it ride. Cafe spaghetti. I guess yes. Real? Real. Correct! Holy shitty six for six,

I'm gonna fucking come. Where is Cafe Spaghetti? If it's in fucking Jones Beach. It's in Philadelphia. Of course it's in Philadelphia. Once again, you're out there in the middle of fucking nowhere. You're in Gowanus?

That's the one that made me think I could come up with them, because it sounds so fake. Cafe Spaghetti. Cafe Spaghetti. What a five year old would call an Italian restaurant. In Carroll Gardens. Seven Fishes.

Ooh. I would have to imagine yes. Incorrect. You're back at zero. That was a head gone podcast. Bib Gourmand. Bib Gourmand. I'll guess real. Fake, and now it begins.

It's unraveling. The slide back, the regression to the meme. Do you know what a bib gourmand is? No. It's the Michelin logo, the big puffy head, and it's given to restaurants that almost get a Michelin star but don't. Interesting. Good stuff. The bib gormand. I've heard it before.

Parkside. Parkside. I guess that sounds... Now you're in your head. Yeah, but it sounds real to me. I'll say real. Correct! He's back! I'm back! Parkside is real. Heavy, poor, sandwich club.

Hmm, but Parkside restaurant is in fucking Corona? Dude, you're not playing a real game. Take it up with Eater. This is the top 20 restaurants in New York City. Um, what's this one? Heavy, poor pour side dish? Heavy pour sandwich club. Fake.

Correct! That's the one I thought would trip you. It almost did. Thank you. Uono uovo Harlem. Yes. Fake! Damn it.

Made that up. Matteo Linguini a la Fromaggio Duo. That's definitely, that feels real because it feels like another one that inspired you. Fake! Damn it. Wheels are coming off. Okay, only two more.

Pink Pony Sauce. That's real. Fake's real fake and the last three have been fake and finally I or AI one word I Literally don't know real Wow The last four fake and you guessed real every fucking time Real. Fake. Wow. Tick. The last four were fake and you guessed real every fucking time.

You keep needling me. I felt like I had to be right once. Damn. I. Okay, so again, the real ones are all de la Lenny's Clam Bar Cafe Spaghetti Parkside. The fake ones are Nana Noni, A101, Lasagna, Seven Fishes, Bib Gourmand.

Bib Gourmand for sure. Heavy Pours Sandwich Club. Uondo Uovo Harlem. Matteo Linguini a la Fromaggio Duo. Yeah, that's the one I wanna get into. Have you been to Matteo Linguini, Alla fromaggio duo yet? It's really good.

I get buttered noodles with garlic bread. Whoa. There's a reservation available at I- They can only do us at five or 11, but you have to sit at the bar by yourself. Yeah, and wear a diaper.'s out there in the back alley Alright that was it that was our series of segments ranker plus

Italiano or no. Yeah great time classic episode a quintessential segments. Thank you. And if for one bonus segment, you can always check us out on patreon.com slash J.A. That's right. We'll be posting one right about now. So you can check that out as well. And we're also doing the Jake and Amir watches over there. And of course, we'll be back next week for now. You know it.

Ciao for now, everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds. Now for now everybody, bye. That was a Head Gum Original. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds and I have a new podcast on Head Gum called Next We Have. Now this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't because you now legally have to listen to the show.

That's how law works. Next We Have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business, the Doughboys play a game called Meal or No Meal, and Stef Tolove and I go head-to-head on a thought-provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds and we probably have more fun than we should, but it's a great time and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every

Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.