If I Were You - 89: One Less Problem (with Ben Schwartz)

Episode Date: July 14, 2014

Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss... whatever the hell he wants.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and AVG Cleaner.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Give up now, there is still hope A podcast known for being hashtagged dope Jake and Damir know what to do This much is true If I were you, I were you They'll always see me through If I were you, I were you They'll make a big to-do

Of your name And your lack of game Let the laughs rage on The songs never bothered me anyway That's it, holy shit Allison McCarthy Way to go Allison It sounded like you were gonna go for another 30 minutes

You did it like it was about to go Can we start this off by saying how sick you are? Oh come on, look the other way Point everything the other way Stop, don't look that way He's so sick, Amir is so sick and he didn't tell me And he came to my apartment to record And he's very sick

This is the most, I mean we got new microphones But everything else is really fucking bootstrapping it right here I mean, Jake's not even here Your mic stand is on one, two, three, four, five, six shoe boxes You're facing the wall I refuse to look at you, I will look And I wish you would look the other way Oh come on, look the other way

I want you to look the other way You're killing me Look the other way You want me to actually look at you I want you to look the other way The entire show Yes We're gonna be facing away from each other

Yes, like a duel Like a duel Like we're about to make a bunch of paces and turn back and kill each other But we're never gonna look at each other Alright, this is it, this is happening Can I ask you a real question? Sure Did you purposely not tell me you're very, very sick

Because you know if you told me I wouldn't do this? I forgot you were kind of a hypochondriac No, it's not even, I get sick so easily Yeah, that's what that means, that you think you get sick very easily No, it's not that I think, I know that I do Yeah, so you're saying if you're an actual hypochondriac You would know that you're a hypochondriac So the fact that you think that you do get sick

And not just that you think you get sick Makes you not a hypochondriac I get sick very easily because I have a very low defense system If anybody agrees with me that they have a similar thing Then at Amir Blumenfeld on Instagram No, at Amir or at Jake and Amir on Twitter What, what do you want them to tell me? I want them to explain to you that they probably have a similar thing that I have

Where maybe their defense system and their immune system is really low and crappy What do you do if you're in a relationship and your loved one is sick? Oh, this is a great question My loved one is sick I will sleep with them because I love them But by the way, sometimes I'll be with somebody They know that I get sick really easily and if they're feeling really bad They're like, oh, you know what, I'm real sick

Why don't we wait a day or so? Oh, so they're so nice to you that they don't even want you to know Those are the ones you gotta keep The people that are like, oh, you know what Or it's just that you know what it is If I'm filming something, that's when it matters I'm not filming something and I get sick, who cares? I've also gone, there have been times when I have been in a meeting or something

And the other person is really sick And I'll always shake their hands or whatever And I'll be in a room with them for a bunch of hours And I'll know that I'm gonna get sick in the next day and a half after that And do you? Yes, many times But I'll just come to terms with it I'll be like, you know what, I have to take this meeting anyway

It's worth it, I'll get sick for four days or something like that So you really can't, you trace it that early You know like from the moment zero that you're gonna get sick that you're getting sick No, I could tell, I usually what happens is I get a sore throat really quick or my nose starts running really really quick Yeah, that's how mine started, I felt like a dryness sensation Yeah, I get that a lot So what's your routine? Like you start feeling sick then what?

We should get into this Well, first of all, when I was acting in something and I was writing in something at the same time And I was draining myself And I ended up getting a little bit sick And I didn't want to go to the doctor and I took a bunch of vitamins and that didn't really work And then I got like, my head was just pounding And I ended up getting strep pneumonia for months For months

Strep pneumonia And it was stuck in my sinuses It was stuck in my sinuses so it was impossible to get to it So I had to go on three different types of antibiotics And also like, I didn't go to the doctor for so long that it got worse and worse Is that the nerdiest thing about you? That you get No, look in the corner of the room, look what I have in the corner of the room, that's pretty nerdy

Look over here Oh, sorry, I'm not facing you so I can't It's a backpack that looks like Yoda, that's pretty nerdy That's pretty nerdy But strep pneumonia, that's pretty It was really bad And they told me that I should get deviated septum surgery because I couldn't breathe out of my nose And I was like, no way, I'm not getting that

And they're like, well, you know, really help you breathe in the long run to help your life And because I was so sick and I was pounding so much, I really started thinking about it Like, maybe I should get the surgery And then after probably four months I think it's the closest to like, depressed, really depressed that I've gotten Didn't you get strep depression? Is there a thing like that? No, no, I'm just combining more diseases

Your diseases get diseases No, but you watch them and call it you I wake up every day and every day would not feel better for months And then I was filming a movie for half of it And I was just like, it was just so much It was so much to do It starts that feeling of like, you're just never going to get better And you start believing that you're just never going to get better

And then I come over with a cold and I'm like, hey, let's record No, see, this isn't it, that's stupid of me I got sick, I must have gotten one of those strep and then I didn't treat it And then it turned into something worse And then they had to take, I'm going to use the wrong term, not EKGs What's it called when, or maybe it's an EKG when you do something The heart monitor? Yeah, lungs and heart

Because it was going to turn into full-blown pneumonia And it was going to be dangerous for me to, yeah It was like You almost died No, I did Yeah By the way, I'm Ben, you haven't even said who I am All right, so this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us

I'm Amir, Jake's not here Jake, we finally, after a year of doing podcasts, mistimed how many episodes we needed When one of us is away from the other And I realized today, shit We don't have an episode for Monday When did you text me? I texted you at noon, today's Thursday So I texted you at noon

And then what time are we recording? 3.55 That's pretty amazing Yeah, that's a great, yeah, that's a solid turnaround Yeah, that's really good We appreciate it, otherwise it would just be me alone in a room trying to solve people's dilemmas You've done the show before You've done the show before, but we've never done a show without me and Jake

Is that true? Yeah, this is the first one By the way, remember when we were all having fun at your apartment and one time we all tried to do There's a bunch of people in your apartment here And we all tried to get together and I was like, should we do a podcast? Because everybody there and a lot of really funny people were there And we almost pulled it off, but then the microphones didn't work Yeah, that's why I bought these new microphones

Because of that day? It was, yeah, it was the greatest podcast that never was It was me? Yeah, me And I think that's it I think that was it And I remember being like, this was going to be the greatest podcast of all time So instead we're doing it now

Yeah So you've been on the show before, you know how it works People email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com They got dilemmas and we do our best to give them advice My question is, Jake usually plays himself, which is the douchebag So my question is, do you... Oh no, that's his actual persona That's himself, so I'm saying like, do you become that character now?

Oh, like instead of you? So should I shift over to the more spiritual look? I don't want you to change who you are, I just want you to believe in yourself Well, let's get to the first question and we'll see what answers we have Well, let's not Can I ask you a question instead? Yeah, yeah, absolutely Is that fine?

Yeah, let's do it Can I look at you? No Can I look at you yet? Absolutely not I'm doing this entire fucking show, staring at a white wall I don't want to... I have a back room in my apartment that I store a lot of stuff in

That's where we are right now We're back to back Is there anything in here you want to ask a question about? You can ask a question about one item in this because there's a lot of weird things in here It's not like packed, it's just a tiny room with some stuff on the ground Yeah One item One item?

What's that ceramic butler? Amazing question There's in the corner of my desk, the desk Oh wait, never mind that highlighter, what's the highlighter? Great question Even more intriguing Star Wars The highlighter I bought in a pack at CVS

The actual ceramic butler The butler is, I did a TV show called Undercovers And we found out we were going to get canceled Me and the creator went to one of the sets And one of the sets was like this big kitchen set And I said I want to steal one thing I tried to take one prop from each thing And he's like, yeah, this is his name is Josh Reems

He created it with JJ Abrams And I was like, you know what, I'm going to grab one thing And I found that ceramic butler Because I wanted, it had to be small enough for me to sneak out with anybody knowing So I grabbed it and I took it And I was like, I'm going to take this, is that cool? And he goes, yeah, we're canceled Nothing matters, especially this

It's pretty crappy, you know, he worked so hard on it He worked on it for years and then it got picked up And then it got made and then it got canceled Do you do that with all your sets? You steal something? I usually ask, so that one I asked him, yeah Name us something, I probably have something from him Well, I can't like, so for example, what is this Entertainment 720 mouse pad from? Like, what could that possibly be?

There's an Entertainment 720 mouse pad from the other guys That movie I didn't call the other guys That is the most props I got on any day Because there was a whole, we did, in this Parks and Rec I play this character named John Ralphio And me and Aziz's character started this whole company called Entertainment 720 So for an episode or two, we had our own like, a business And everything had Entertainment 720 on it

And I went to the props guy, I was like, and then the business folds In like the same episode, so I was like, can I have some of this stuff? And he goes, we will make you a bag And I got the funniest, it's all throughout my apartment I bet people would love that shit, that 720 swag I don't think anybody really cares about it Huge Parks and Rec fans would pay top dollar for this autographed Entertainment 720 mouse pad Going up online, we're gonna make it

No, no, no, no, is that going up online? What are you talking about? You can't see my face if you can see my face You know what, let me get to the first question Because it's actually about show biz Before that, let me ask you a couple things So do you always wear ankle socks whenever you wear sneakers or no? I've been trying to wear no-show socks What is no-show?

People, I don't know if you know me well enough to know that I know you pretty well, wait, let's strip it down Would you say that I know you very, very well, or just kind of well? I would say you know me like 7 out of 10 Like not as good as my closest friends, but more than an acquaintance Right, I would agree with that as well, for you and I I feel like you know me very well, you know, not as much as my best friends in New York or whatever But you know me very well, we've spent quite a bit of time since you moved here

Like I feel like your sock game is mostly white athletic socks That's exactly correct But do you know like what my sock game usually is? I feel like your sock game is long socks, no? Yeah, I've been into like happy socks, nice laundry socks, like colorful bright Kind of fancier dress socks And I throw an American apparel t-shirt underneath, usually Yeah, yeah, v-neck, v-neck, v-neck, sure

And then you wear shorts, are we wearing shorts today? You wear shorts, where was that? So when I wear shorts, I guess the quote-unquote cool thing to do with shorts Socks wise is to No socks, right? Yeah, no socks, or socks that are so short you can't see them So there's these socks that Jake actually told me about, rest in peace, he's dead Yeah, that's how we tell people Socks golf

And also in that half sentence And within a sock story, socks that only go up a little bit up your foot so that it looks like you're barefoot Yeah, but then so I have those as well, but when I walk they then go under, they then like, as I walk they slide down and they go underneath my foot and I hate it so I stop wearing them Oh, so then you can go a little bit higher than that which is the socks that I'm wearing Yeah, that's what I have, these are the ones that, these are the But I don't wear those with jeans, you're wearing them with jeans right now, right? What do you wear with jeans, long dressy socks? Yeah, long dressier socks

Long dressy socks, dressy socks Okay, I guess we'll cut that part I don't cut any part Question? Yeah, do you mind if I ask you a question? No, no, I feel like we haven't even gotten to one of the questions Let me ask you a couple of questions Do you feel like since you moved to LA now you're more comfortable here than New York or no?

Yeah, well it's by default a more comfortable city Oh, because you lived here, huh? Yeah, well I grew up here and then also just weather-wise it's very comfortable It's so wonderful When I go back to New York now it's like an obstacle course, everything is painful and difficult Is that true? Yeah, I mean I can't believe I was ever used to that Well I can't believe it's not butter

Really? Yeah You see, because I can totally get that Really? Because when I eat it I'm like, this could not be But it's a city, it's a city, it's not butter Oh, I'm so sorry, you're right, you're right, that was stupid, it made no sense I'm sorry about that

But everything is either too hot, too cold, too crowded, very uncomfortable Everybody is very tough there in a good way because they have to survive But you were one of those people I know I was I was one of those people for my whole life And now I can't do it Yeah, I guess, I guess every day is a gift How's that?

Huh? How's that every day a gift? Okay, let's get to that question Yeah, yeah Before we hit that question Sure, sure Do you mind if I ask you a couple things? Oh no, absolutely, let's do this

Do you feel Yeah Okay, I have a question Yeah When we do short films and you do it without Jake Yeah Does that feel weird for you? Is there backlash when we do a contest video?

No, I don't think there's a backlash It's just exercising a different muscle, it's part of the place Do you feel, like when you say exercising a different muscle Yeah Do you act differently? Is your process different when it's you and I writing something as opposed to you and Jake? Yeah How so?

When we're making a mirror videos, we're sort of tied to these characters So I'm not usually the straight man In our videos, I get to kind of be the straight man, which is more fun We're both crazy in those videos, what are you talking about? Well, the last one I thought I was kind of just like Oh, the last one was the first time I think you were a total straight man Yeah, very dry And by the way, I thought you put that awesome

Thanks, dude But when we do our contest videos, we're both insane people Yeah, but we're both like very dry, we're not actually We don't like talk in a weird way, we just say I agree We speak very matter-of-factly about weird, stupid things So that's fun to do too Someone asked me this before in an interview, I'm going to ask you it

Yeah If you were doing a live college humor sketch That's what they asked you at this guy in the interview? No, they asked me for it I see if you were in a live college humor sketch They said improv for my improv But for you, let's say you're doing your college humor live thing Or you're doing a Jake and a mirror and you can have one guest person that is dead

Who would you pick? A guest to be on our show Or you write a sketch for this guy or girl to do Oh, to be on it in the web series Or no, I think to be live on stage Or you can know, let's make it the web series just because there's been so many Who would you, or by the way, how about this One living, one dead, the dream, the apex of both

That if you got this, there would be no one above this person Oh, shit Tough question, right? Yeah Way to put me on the spot Well, dead would probably be Moses, right? Because obviously Which Moses?

Moses Malone Oh, okay, yeah, the basketball player? Yeah, he played for the Sixers Yeah, he sure did Good basketball player I don't even think he's dead Even better lover Well, he's with Jake now

I would probably just choose someone that I'd want to meet Like, I'd want to meet a comedian so that I'd have to, like, I would choose Larry David Because then I'd get to meet Larry David Is that your favorite guy in the world? He would be one of my favorite people to meet Oh, okay, Woody Allen, because he's almost dead He's not almost dead He's an old guy

You're an old guy I'd like to meet Woody Allen I would like to meet Woody Allen also Where do we land on the whole child molester thing? Because I got a pretty cool painting of him that I feel bad putting up now That's like, are you allowed to like a Chris Brown song anymore? Yeah Can I, like, put up this sculpture of Jerry Sandusky?

Or is that a huge no-no? By the way, thank you for that sculpture Dude, of course Yeah, you stole it off the set of What was that movie that you were in? Sandusty Yeah It was about the maid to Jerry Sandusky

Who used to dust everything in his house You call him such Jerry Sandusty My god, by the way God, so many I did a podcast once where I was playing Roald Dahl And I found out he was a huge anti-Sedan Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah And it was so hard to hear

And also harder to realize that It was being recorded for the world to hear me react to Me finding out that one of my heroes Would have hated me in real life Would have not even talked to me in real life I saw this book, this child's book It was like, who was Roald Dahl? It was like a cartoon picture of him

Like, I'm pretty sure this guy hated Jews It's kind of weird to make this like a cute little Friendly kid cartoon book And that's sad Yeah, that's a little And then am I allowed to still enjoy his work? Oh, I just bought two-shell silver steam books That I used to read when I was very, very young

He was also a raging, raging Raging Anti-Dentite Oh, anti-Dentite He hated dentists Oh god, for a second I thought you were going to say anti-Semite No, no, no, no, no, he was Jewish No, no, no, no, no, everybody wants to say

No, no, no, no, no I want to see you be brave I want I want to see you behave Do not look at me, turn around He was starting to turn around because you were like starting to get alone Listen to how much he's coughing Nobody will be upset with my decision

You've been coughing the whole time Where in my apartment, this was the worst idea that you've ever had To me, I've been really sick for the last two days This is like the first day I'm starting to feel like myself again Like I wouldn't have even been able to like get out of my bed for the last three days So like the fact that I'm here, I feel like If you get me sick I'm like happy, I'm like singing on the freeway on the way over here

And then I come in here, I'm like hey what's up dude And you go, you are so sick, don't touch anything, don't touch me You are just so sick You're disgusting Your voice is like, it's your throat, can't even get the vocal cords out And then you try to send it through your nose And your nose is just a fucking cavern of disgusting When you opened the door, all you saw was me as a giant germ

Like a farside comic Like a giant bro so loud It's funny when he sees like a big chicken and he's hungry Everybody becomes like a big turkey that he's gonna eat Like a basted ready to go turkey Did you watch cartoons when you were a kid? Yeah, of course Which cartoons did you love?

Like even before Simpsons Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's too an adult I'm talking about young Warner Brothers Animaniacs Yeah, before that Tiny Toons? That's the same era DuckTales? How young do you want me to be?

Like when you were watching kids as a, cartoon as a kid Tom and Jerry? Okay, yeah Before that Papa? Steve and Willie, before that Felix the cat? Before that

Jesus Christ, Bazooka Joe comics? Before that Before that, gum, I guess? Wallard on a cave in 36,000? Before that No, that was the first fucking living record of art No, it wasn't, man If you look at the stars, I guess that's God's artistry

I guess the stars then Man, when that horn section comes in on that Ariana Grande song I really get into it How so? Well, I just, it was on the car I was listening to the radio And then When I hear that, I'm just ready to go

You know that's played when Iggy Azalea put a trumpet in her pussy That's her, yeah, that's her queefing Now you know what I say, every day a gift for that means Oh, God, I'm sorry, dude I have a flemy laugh The second this is done You are to jump out the window You are to

I'm leaving for a bunch of days And if you get me sick for him, turn around, you better, God I'll take a picture of what this looks like so you can send it out I feel like I'm being held hostage No, I feel like I'm being held hostage By some sort of comedy policeman I can't even look at you, dude How are we supposed to, how are we supposed to develop some sort of rhythm, a chemistry?

Alright, you can turn around now just so I can take this picture Alright Okay Alright I'll send that to you Dare we get to a question Can I ask you a question real quick? Sure, yeah, absolutely

Did you have action figures when you were a kid that you collected? No, I didn't No? You didn't like collect X-Men or like, none of those, you didn't have action figures? Action figures were so he-man I don't know Transformers? You know, my older brothers did, they had Transformers a bunch and Cars

Cars is a movie that just came out Yeah, yeah, well they had Cars 2 actually on DVD But I never, I don't know, I guess I like playing What about trading cards? Basketball cards I guess Yeah, so did I, we did little tops, little fleer Did you have the fucking binder so you can collect every player in every team? Oh my god, you know I had a binder

So you have like a weird encyclopedic knowledge of NBA players in 1991 And their numbers, I loved it, I loved it Do you know what Doc Rivers' real name is? Glenn Wow, that was fast, that was good Literally from the cards, keep going, let's see what else I know What's Bugsy Bogues' real name? Tyrone

Correct, now you give me one Let's go until we mess one up Is Blue Edwards' real name? I don't, do you know the answer to that? I don't Oh, so we can't, we can't- Oh, Spudweb Spudweb, oh wow, hold up

Um, Marcus? No What is it? Anthony Anthony Why do they call him Spud? Cause he's like a little tiny potato? That is the most racist thing you've ever said

What are you talking about, he's tiny And Spud means potato That's not racist at all I know, it's just a joke Why do they call him Spudweb? Cause he smelled like a fucking potato That sounds oddly racist, although it's not Wait, what else, who else is there?

Um, I mean like the number of everybody The number of everybody I like Jersey numbers Yeah Mar price? Uh, three? 25 Really?

Yeah Uh, I was gonna say Patrick Ewing, but you were a Knicks fan so that's cheating 33 Drexler? 22 Nice What's Clyde Drexler's real name? No, uh, Clyde- Walt Clyde Fraser Drexler, the third

No Really? It's moch-schlief Mach mood of duro His real name was Front Leaps What was it? Front Leaps Front Leaps

F-R-A-N-T-L-E-E-P-S And that was his first name? Yeah And his last name was Drexler Drexler, yeah, Front Leaps Drexler That makes sense All out of vagina

From Iggy Azalea? Yeah, Iggy, I-G-G-Y That's actually why her name's in bold I like that song Yeah, it's good There's a couple of good Iggy songs It's catchy I think T.I. I remember when T.I. was working on House of Lies, we were talking about-

He talked about how he had a record label and he's like, Yeah, I signed this girl from Australia and he's like, He told me her name and I was like, Who? And she said name again and I was like, Oh, I don't know her And then like three months later, she's the biggest artist in the world Yeah, just because of fancy

What would you say- would you say fancy is the song of the summer? Honestly, I'd probably say the song of the summer is That's the song of the summer What was your verse? Dude, that was the worst I think- oh my god, today I was with somebody Today I was with somebody that was- that is- I'm not famous at all

Someone's far more famous than I am Far more famous I would love Love, love Not gonna say who it is It doesn't matter who it is, but just- And I could tell that the person was probably coming up to me To try to somehow get to the person I was with

Oh, cause he was like a huge Jonah Hill fan No, it wasn't Jonah Hill A Jonah Hill type They come up to me where you're gonna love this They come up to me They come up to me and they go, love you and Jake and Amir, man Love you and Jake and Amir and go, oh, thanks, man, that's so kind of you I'm Ben, and they say their name

And then they turn to the other person and they go, think you're great too It's like talking to the uglier friend to talk to the hot girl Yeah, it's part of the game Yeah, it's like, gotta be nice to this ugly piece of shit So I can talk to the beautiful person And to the famous person, let's say Mark Ruffalo By the way, the famous person knew what Jake and Amir was Oh, did he?

Yep, he really did You don't know if it's like he Oh, very nice But the person did I said, they go, yeah They asked, what do people recognize you from usually And I say, Parks and Rec, I don't get a lot of people coming up and saying Jake and Amir But then I said, if the people are young

They actually do say Jake and Amir quite a bit I've gotten that probably more consistently throughout my life Cause we've been doing those short films for, me probably ten years Eight years Fifteen You've been doing it for fifteen years Fifteen years How old are you, forty?

Thirty-two Oh, so yeah, since seven years You think I'm forty, aren't you? No Anybody older than me is probably forty Wait, how long have you been doing Jake and Amir since 2007? Wow, so seventeen years ago Yeah, the math adds up

Oh wait, I was doing a bit, it really is seventeen years ago I was doing a bit for real So, what are you talking about seventeen years? Is it like, it's been twenty-seven years? No, it's been thirty-seven years Cause we started in Face on my shoulders. Oh, you know the song. Yeah, let's get Ariana Grande to at us at Jake and Amir That would be a good person to be on the show too if we're doing she seems very young in that music video

How old is she? I don't know by the way I knew of her but not really and then I saw her at Was it the MTV music awards the MTV music awards? Yeah something it was something and I never seen her perform before and she Played that song with Iggy Azalea, and I thought it was awesome. And I was like, oh my god. That was good Here's a pretty here's a cool fact Ariana Grande guess what her real name is. Oh, I can't wait for this. Can I guess for real? Ashley Green Ariana Grande hyphen Butterra pretty close

Butterra so does that mean her name is your parents are like grande and one was butterra So her name is Ariana Grande butterra, but that's like one of those people like they're already named How old is she if you're looking at that? I'm gonna guess 20 years old. She's 21 21. What's your birth in 1993? 1993 Jesus, you remember my dad used to say whenever he meets somebody really young. He goes I have shoes older than you You would say that a lot Or I take dumps bigger than you if it's like a baby. Yeah, he was like a curmudgeonly cop, right? He was a cop right on the beat. Yeah, he was a cop on the beat

Dennis Scott what number did he wear three? That's very good. Give me one more go You want to name that whole Orlando magic team? Oh, you want to go person for person see who fails at naming someone first that would be tough I'm gonna start with Nick Anderson. Okay, what number is Nick Anderson 25 correct? Nick Anderson, can I say Dennis Garth is that already taken we've already done it and nobody that we've already talked about Shaquille O'Neal a number 32 Wasn't harsh Grant on the Orlando magic he was Orlando magic. I'm assuming he kept his old number 54. Oh, that's a great question Okay, your turn

Are you talking about the Brian Shaw years of the Shawshack Redemption? I don't know if we are by the way. Did he follow him from Orlando to Los Angeles? He's gonna be so boring Let's change it now from one. Let's change it. We have to wait do the trumpet. That's the transition Here's the question for you. I got a question for you real quick. Yeah. Yeah How much time is on this thing? Oh My god, we can easily get through this whole thing without ever answering a question. Yeah, well my question is Yeah, wait, would you be upset if we didn't answer any questions? No, I don't think so, but hold on one second I have to clear my throat. Oh God

Trumpet sounds until I get back Do you have to take a shit? Oh God Yeah You're so sick Is this recording can you when you okay? So I'm here right now is going into my bathroom using my sink and coughing up yellow and red liquid so he could talk better Can you not use my towels when you dry your hands? Oh

He might be throwing up Just something disgusting is happening in my bathroom guys. I'm gonna take you through it Sounds like he's shitting into the toilet right now. No into the sink Sounds like he's listening to Ariana Grande Doing a little yoga routine And he's back How'd that feel? Good it always feels good to cough something up the best cuz it's no longer in you the best turn around. Yeah

Just the best I can tell you what I every time I get sick I oh my light it just turns a different color everything gets terrible I get infected very quickly Do you notice that the color of your mucus changes from white to green as the longer sicknesses? Yes, but it doesn't turn to green turns a brown usually really yeah I get brown and like stuff like that. Wow spud colored spud web whoo When I was setting up I was like hold on I need 10 more minutes 15 more minutes I just need to find questions. You're like. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely

Was your goal the entire time to never actually have me answer? First time you said I'm gonna ask you a question I interrupted you yeah, and you quickly said yeah Yeah, go go then I was like, oh, you know what I bet I can do this where you'll never have a chance to ask question but I also remember that The other time I did the podcast Either you told me or Jake told me that people were pissed we didn't get to the amount of questions That we were just talking about we're just talking nonsense all the time people were upset. We didn't get to the actual stuff I don't know if people were upset. I mean every time any time you do so let's ask let's answer one. Okay

Can I ask you a question sure? Let's answer one go okay Do you want it to be about animals show business or nipples? We're supposed to give real answers right not joking one. Yep Let's do animal. Let's do show business show business This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

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Wait, who wrote this fake name. Oh, this is from Chalc that's spelled chalk. We're called chalc. Yeah, I smelled like chalk is spelled We're pronounced like child cotton cotton with the D chalc cotton cotton fit Simmons Oh, was that really what his name is? No, that was the coach of the Phoenix Suns in the early 90s All right ready named two other Phoenix Suns player Kevin Johnson Tom Chambers Tim Kempton That's not a real person Mark Long. No, you're making him people. Okay Dan Marley. All right, here we go ready. I have an issue Basically, I have an answer for this person already. Wow push through it push through it. Okay. I couldn't agree

Less less is more. All right ready. Yeah, I have an issue. He writes Wait, what is the name in chalk chalk cotton chalk cotton rights? Hey guys, I have an issue basically I'm about to I'm about to come to a major turning point of my life. I'm Canadian living in London age 24 Stop you're right there. I've been in Canada for the past month for 30 days. I was in Montreal and I'm going back in 10 days Yeah, one of the reasons why I don't want to get sick. So I know about Canada. Okay. I know I get it I know about Montreal not Canada, but Montreal. Okay, I continue. All right continue. I have two choices He writes. Let me stop you. Okay in life. You have a lot of choices It doesn't always have to be about two things it's not always about what writer what I really I have to stop you right there

I really think I got to get through the whole thing because I feel like if you stop me after every sentence every sentence fragment Actually, we'll never get to the end of the question. Let me stop you. Yeah. Yeah I go. All right 45 minutes or we can go longer We can go as long as you want baby boy, but usually 45 minutes. Yeah, I have an issue. That is a firm firm number. I Have an issue basically I Should I even do this? Yeah, I want to hear it. All right. I have an issue Basically, I'm about to come to a major turning point in my life

I'm Canadian living in London age 24 and I have two choices. I can go to Oxford for which I got a late acceptance Of which I have always dreamed for a graduate degree in policy analysis or I can move to LA and become a screenwriter Which is what I love. I'm a competent writer I've been employed for the last 18 months or so at a and paid an exorbitant wage to write textbooks in political Economy learning to brag a friend of my flatmates just came through to stay with us A friend of my flatmates just came through I Say

You know the amazing if we weren't friends, this would be the most disrespectful thing you could ever do You would just you borderline would have ruined the show Why if this if this was like a favor to you if to have you on the show And then you just did this no come on. I'll be respect I'll be respected. Oh, sorry I know it's coming and it's not come on I'm trying to class out and by the way, I'm gonna wait more than a second It won't be funny if I do it immediately. So I have to wait for a good time

Why is this song in my head? I'm a 32 year old male that song's actually playing out of your head You're not even holding a phone up to the microphone Herman just you tilted you tilted your ear towards the microphone and that came out The problem is the funniest part is the trumpets and it's it's too hard to try to find the trumpets at each part of the song Cuz so it just you know, yeah, these are these are high-class problems That's a funny weird out thing a high-class problems without you I go go Okay, so okay this person wants to go to Oxford or he wants to become a writer I'm a little more information. This is my question. Well, wait. Let me let me let me get to the end of it

Oh, yeah, of course Obviously, yeah, okay Oh my god, Iggy yourself, I can't believe she's on the show A friend of my flatmates just came through to stay with us not much older than I am and he dropped the bomb that he's been hired To write Rambo 5 with his writing partner. That's amazing. My lease in London is up in early September I've saved up about $30,000 if I go to Oxford it vanishes if I go to LA I have no ins in the industry No formal education you have a guy that's writing the next Rambo movie

So do I go to the best university in the world for a subject? I find really interesting or do I go to what I think will make me happy love Chalk content. Okay. Well, I have questions and I'm gonna ask you. All right. I'll try to answer them as best Okay, no, and the answers are probably within that document. That's why I'm saying okay Yeah, so one of my questions is he described it as should I do something that I love, right? Didn't he say the first thing is something that he loves? Yes Or or what was the other one? Or do I do what I think might make me happy, but is it

Interrupting yourself so isn't that How is something that you love not something that makes you happy? Sorry, he said do I go to the best university in the world for a subject? I find really interesting or do I do what I think when no when you but there's a piece of it at the beginning They said he loved the first thing He does right Or I can move to LA to become a screenwriter, which is what I love so he loves writing Okay, he loves writing. He's good at

Learning shit. Well, this is what this is what I would say. Well, this okay Well, many people I don't know if this will correlate perfectly, but I feel like in this podcast this might help many people They'll come to you as well I'm assuming but we'll ask when they come out of college just like both what you and I did and it's very scary to say you Want to do comedy you want to be an actor you want you want to write? The last what's the best method to do it? What would you do the way that I described it is that I gave myself a couple of years After graduating college to try because it's impossible. It's impossible to do this. It's so impossible It's impossible to make money and stuff like that. So I gave myself a one to two-year window of I'm gonna try this

I'm 21 years old and gonna go for it and see what happens and if I fail I fail I know that I tried but I'm gonna go for it Totally I'm gonna immerse myself in this world. I'm gonna try my hardest So I would say if you really want to if it's something that you're passionate about Go for it and try for it But I would say this also if you have a job that you actually really like it sounds like he likes his other job or I'm sorry He likes the idea of going to Oxford and stuff like that What's stopping you from going to Oxford and writing at the same time like why can't you develop your script just you would have to just Power through and instead of drinking 24-7, you know after you're done with your classes, right?

Create you can create and create all your stuff while you're getting an education that education will probably only help you be a better writer So I don't know if it's possible to do both do it But I will say if you're wondering when is the right time to take a chance the earlier the better is what I would say Yeah, I mean by the way, there's your time is never up. You can be a father of 50 and you know what I mean and start and start writing and stuff like that a father of 50 kids same wife a father that is 50 and still do it and stuff like that, but For me when I was younger I was I had the same similar choice of am I gonna do this job? Or am I gonna try to do this and fail for a very long time?

It's a very scary thing you're going into the only way to succeed is to fail for a very long time or in my case At least not a very long time, but you really have to try hard, but wouldn't you say what would you say mirror you from? You're a very unique case though because you got a job in what you love the second you graduated college Yeah, I was fortunate in that regard But a lot of people who do end up succeeding are the ones that take the risk and you're right It really does happen early or rather than later But but not to say stoppings if someone's listening to this and they're like, oh shit. I'm 35 fuck that anybody It's just a matter of

You have to really go for it And I this is a interesting thing because some people ask like if they're doing it for a long time That's a question for you Amir is it? I mean, I would never have the balls to tell someone all right That's it. You shouldn't follow your dream. What a terrible like well, this sort of came up What do you do if someone someone? Yeah, what if they're not good? What if someone's bad at their dream? Shouldn't isn't the wise advice to not go for it not saying that this guy But I'm saying and by the way not to say that you and I are very good at what we do Yeah, and not to say we're also not saying like we're not saying anything in Hebrew, but this is yeah

What does that mean? We're not saying anything in Hebrew. I don't know what that means. We're speaking in English, right? Of course, right, of course it goes without saying I Don't even have to mention that fact my question. Yeah Do you are you allowed like what would you do? Let's say or I'm sure there's an example in your life that you've had to do this where you're like This person's been doing this for 10 years. They probably don't have what it takes How do you handle it? How do you pull the cord or what do you do? What would you say to him there? Would you tell him or no?

If it's a good friend of mine, I would say like maybe you should start I mean life sort of forces you to stop following your dreams at a certain point. Oh, that's really scary sentence like you At the end of the day, you need money to live So if you don't have money, you're gonna have to take a shitty job But also there's a way for people. Well, this is a different thing if it's your passion and your love like Improv even if I didn't have any success and whatever I would want to do improv for the rest of my life Yeah, but you would still need a job. That's what I'm saying though But I would I would probably not be making a ton of money. You'd work at like a shoe store and do improv

I mean, I did work at a sneaker store for two years, but it's like I mean I'd still want to do it no matter what so I think those people who still have a huge passion and love for it They'll continue doing it if it makes them happy. They'll keep going to UCB and perform and like that's I would I mean That's what I do now and that's what I would have done no matter what yeah, but um, I'm usually pretty risk averse But this guy one has a lot of ends to Has $30,000 three is 24 Four it doesn't even sound like he he says he loves it, but he says he likes the other thing too It's such a it's like it's usually if you really are totally into it. It's like this is what I'm gonna do

There's not even and you just this is what I'm gonna do. Yeah, like I this is all I want to do This is all that I ever want not ever by the way and never even for me This wasn't even a choice. It's I this this is like being an astronaut Like it's not even a thing that is on the list of things when I went to school in Riverdale or Edmont or when I went to school in Union College, it's like it wasn't even a thing that you think about it's not an option It's not a choice that you can tick off of this is what I want to be I want to be comedian or an actor So for me, it wasn't a real thing So and it wasn't like I've been dreaming about this my whole life because the dream was too big to even think of it's like

Walking on the moon to me. So now that you're here. Are you happy at all? No, yeah, you're sort of over it. No, no, no, I'm very very happy. I'm very pleased But you always I'm of course I'm ecstatic, you know, you get to work with people that you love and you know look up to but There's that moment of you always want to try to get better at what you do You're always trying to try to widen your grasp on whatever and so And keep growing because the more you grow the more you get closer to getting those projects that you really want to do Like how cool would it be to be in a Coen brothers movie or to act with Bill Murray? You know what I mean? Like all those things would be so incredible. Right. There's always more to attain

Yeah, or do anything that Steven Spielberg directs or spike Jones. I would do anything to be in a spike Jones movie after I saw her I was like so I loved it. So it's like there's always something bigger Then another question that I always of me and Paul of Tomkins had this conversation one of his things is When is it enough? Like what are we chasing? Like I'm here. When are you gonna be satisfied? Is it monetary? Is it what it what is it that you are? What's the is there a stop point? Yeah a million dollars and it was made by that you're done. Yeah, I'm done I'm satisfied and then what would you do the rest of your life? I would just spend it be happy sort of chill out and like, you know

Just generally smile and enjoy the world because I've won the game of life one million dollars And how long will that million dollars last you? I don't know. Maybe two three years before I And then what would you do? I'd kill myself. Why because I would have no more money God, you know what that sounds like to me? I think I can get Loading god damn it Well, if anything, we've really helped the sales of the song push on How many this 67 million views is like the biggest song in the world, you know What if somebody told Iggy Azalea not to go for her dreams and to stay in Australia and go to high school there

Is she not going to high school? Yeah, I don't know. I Really want to hear the song now. I'm not gonna give it to you. It's loading. It won't even let me That's the separate the one part at the one time. I want it. You're not gonna give it to me I'm trying to give it to you, but it's everything's not working This is so funny Ariana Grande I've just learned who she is and we've given her so many We've talked about her so much and we just learned who she is 67 million, what's the highest view count? What's the most popular Jake and Amir? I think Gangnam style has one billion views. No, it's technically a Jake and Amir video

I don't think it is yeah, yeah, because it has the guy who's like the fat guy who's dancing me and then it's got like the Tall skinny Korean guy. No, nope. No, it's no. Oh The most popular Jake and Amir on YouTube Yes, I think we had a couple of videos break a million really. Yeah, that's amazing Which one what's the most popular chicken nuggets? You know some stuff but not really enough stuff I know I've seen many of them, but not the older ones. I didn't remember in NBA inside stuff. Yeah, okay, cool Come back later for more stuff

They should say before just or just to wrap up the Orlando Magic game we're playing remember Anthony Hardaway, of course number one penny hard. I have his sneakers So that's not that's a nickname plus an a magic player plus the Jersey number. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they call it callback It's amazing in in a we've already passed 45 minutes. Oh, but you go into the bathroom for like two minutes Yeah, I was hawking what you would call a Luigi Call him Luigi. I call him Mario's Do you have anything else you wanted to talk about anything else you want to mention do you have to end at 45 minutes? No, I mean we can go I guess people would get bored, huh?

I think if people were gonna be bored they would have already stopped listening I want to ask you a couple questions. This is either their least or most favorite episode. No, this is your least favorite Well, what did they like last time that I was on that we can do again? Is there something that they loved that we talked about or no? I think it was just having you on it I got one more problem without you. Can you talk about what you're doing in Montreal? I'm doing a movie called the walk It's about it's like if you guys have seen the Documentary man on wire it's gonna be a movie version of that with Joseph Gordon Levitt playing Philippe Petit Who is the guy who walked the wire between the Twin Towers in the 70s?

Does the guy who is the actual guy have like a cute little wink wink cameo in the movie? Buys a pack of bubblegum from him. I don't know. I'm not sure I'm not in I'm not in a scene with him if he is that'd be really fun though. Have you see have you met him? I have not Joseph and met him, but I had not met him I know obviously Zemeckis met him and Zemeckis is my favorite movies back to the future and he Directed that and who frame Roger Rabbit was a huge deal in my life and far as companies huge deal in my life and he's director all three and he is So kind and this is what I'm starting to learn because I like read a lot of reports of people who work with

Scorsese or who work with like Other people that I really look up to and they stay collaborative like Zemeckis is still collaborative If someone has an idea for the scene he'll listen to it Someone has an idea how to adjust dialogue he'll listen to it and if he likes it'll change it He'll be like all right cool do that, which I think is so smart I think I think if you just are so stuck to everything it's not you know to be collaborative is to like create and He has the thing he has such beautiful camera moves every single scene is so well planned and so beautiful and

He can make he can make me and you talking in this room doing nothing sitting in seats Like so beautiful somehow and do you have Joseph Gordon Levitt's phone number? Why I think it would be Tight if you gave it to me. What do you mean? I think that'd be a tight move Bob what would you I want to text Joe go well about what I want to just say hey What's up? I want to know if he's like has heard of me what I want to know if Joseph Gordon Levitt has heard of me Okay, you want me do you want me to can you like I don't know if he's on set He's probably I mean he's probably filming the lead of the movies in every scene. Oh really? Yeah, oh shit

All right, maybe his email address then I'm not gonna give you any information of this that Zemeckis Dudes also sounds pretty chill if he wants to be in an episode Pretty chill. Yeah, Zemeckis sounds kind of like a cool cat. You know who he is I feel like I can get along with him. He did the gump movie, right? He far as gump gump sad Keep casually He just gets a and life was like a box of chocolates. He's gum. He's gum. He's gum. He's not too bright And and and and he's go he's go he's go but that's all right

He told JFK that he really had to pee he never was too smart because his mom always told the stupid He's go he's go he's go. Oh my god. That's all I have to say funny We probably know so many words to so many word-out songs that you don't even know, you know all the words Yeah, I haven't accessed that in 20 years, but it's somewhere in my brain tucked away I don't know that one I saw the little run sitting there on the log I asked him his name and in the recipe voice. He said he For other ones, do you know any weird-out originals?

Melanie what can the problem be sweet? Melanie who I won't you go out with me. You know that one. No, that's a great one. Do you know everything? He knows wrong Sing it Everything, you know is wrong of his downbuck is white and short is long You thought was just so important doesn't matter. I think bad hair day He came out of the new CDs coming out with a new CD very soon. Yeah, yeah, July 15. Let's give him a plug So I do it mandatory fun weird Al Yankovic do it. Do you follow him on Instagram? I do he actually direct message me tell me he was gonna leak me his new album. What how do you know weird?

I think we just follow each other on Twitter and I've asked him to do snow pants like ten times and I don't think he's gonna Do it when he's he's so kind. He's such a kind man, but I don't know him very well I just know him through Twitter Is there anything you wanted to plug before you had to leave when does this come out? I don't have to leave Monday my meetings at 5 30 with times. I know 445. We're getting close. Yeah This comes out this Monday. Yeah, yeah July 14th my brother's birthday. This is where I leave you a movie called this is where I leave you comes out in September But it's gonna come out before them. What am I is gonna come out before then? Oh, nothing that I can talk about now

But hopefully when this comes out You guys will know what I'm talking about or if not it didn't work out. Oh, this is be really weird Yeah, that'd be great a mere nose huge news or nothing at all. It's literally that that's the that's the hard If there's nothing at all then nothing happened nothing nothing happened. This was a joke Yeah, but if this is huge news This is the first time I was about to talk about it, but didn't can you believe it? Why does this always happen to me? What's another guy? I love that Melanie song or all the polkas I remember there but my friend cuz I played bad

I was like I was on chorus and I played basketball I was like friends with all the nerdy guys cuz I was a nerd and I also was friends all the sports guys Cuz I like playing sports and remember my sports guys never got into weird Al didn't care about it at all Yeah, and then all the nerdy guys and I would talk about it all day David Fernandez Let's give a shout out to David Fernandez who we used to go to his house in the Bronx in Riverdale. He's dead now, right? No, he's alive as a doctor as a kid. He's the smartest person in the world He he we would watch every day would go home from school. We would eat macaroni and cheese We would watch the Disney afternoon we listen to weird Al

He's the person that introduced me to offspring when they first came out smash that record mm-hmm later when I was older, but uh, he was my best friend when I was growing up And we used to love listening to weird Al and and watch the Simpsons and all that stuff. Oh I wish that's how we ended the podcast what just sounds There's only one way we can end the podcast that'd be a funny podcast is a Getting to people in a room and then just they don't talk for an hour But you just assume that Ben Stiller and Don she it'll run a room next to microphones breathing into them It's just breathing or you're eating a sandwich. Oh, that's really funny. That's a really funny idea

There's obviously only one way this is gonna end so you tell me what we're wrapping up It's been an hour. That's pretty good for answering one fucking question Know what I mean? Yeah God get out of my apartment. Let's let's wrap it up I just want to say thanks for filling in for Jake's of course on such short notice by the way Yeah What was the last like celebrity you hung out with or person? You know, that's famous who we can talk about a mere bloomin felt your celebrity absolutely

You're absolutely celebrity when we obviously not because you could say my fucking name on the podcast If I was a real fucking big deal, it would be a hush-hush secret. Okay Was and dusky Why you fucking god, I knew it. It was me send dusky and Donald Sterling hanging out. This is insane If you have your own questions that you want us to eventually answer on the show Please if I were you show at gmail.com at Jake Hurwitz And oh theme songs We're still we're still accepting them using them to start and close every single episode with an original theme song

It could be anything right? Yeah, it could be it can actually be a parody of that song one less problem without you or it could be an original The opening was by someone in Allison McCarthy. Thanks. Allison. Great job. Do we have an out do we have an outro? You love it, I mean, I guess I do like that song I'm into that song now. I'm a 32 year old male who likes that song. Is that fair to say? Yeah, all those are facts I'm not ashamed when I like a song All sorts of music. I love all of it. You got to be open to enjoying music. I'm gonna cut you off, dude You're you're getting crazy. You're getting far on great. Hey, follow your dreams

I'm telling that guy to follow his dreams, but if you can do both at the same time, why not? Like you're fighting between something you love or something you want to do. It's like yeah, you're a good Riches champagne problems, baby. Yeah, and the last thing is that I need is a one last one last champagne problem This loud the stout your theme song is by cat and Sam. So thanks. Thanks Allison. Thanks Ben Schwartz. Of course guys I want to plug one quick thing. I want to plug The contest videos. Yeah, that J. Oh that Jake and I do Yeah Bye. Bye guys. Oh at rejected jokes in my Twitter

Hala They got an email from a desperate fan Please help me out. What would you do? From New York to California ask advice, but I got a warner Their best advice is you do you if I were you If I were you Here's what I do if I were you Hashtag don't blow sees the cheese will take a break and shoot the breeze. Oh, here's what I do if I were you

Wired in with shagoon the game. Yeah, how you doing this one? It's so kind to be on the show with us today If you make a Mount Rushmore of hip-hop music his face has got to be there if you put Andy Nwa up there you put ice cube up there you put snoop up there you have to have room for the game Hey, I ain't never got introduction like that. I might bring you on tour You're gonna want to listen every week on podcast one.com download it there podcast Com