If I Were You - 9: Communism (with Streeter Seidell)

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

In this episode, CollegeHumor's editor-in-chief and our friend Streeter stops by to talk about communism, friendship, and the lack of meaning in our bleak existence.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, with Jake and Amir Short and bitter No, sweet Yeah, that was by me And that's my voice singing That's actually by a guy named Jay Arsenault Fine That sort of sounds like your name

Oh, hey, it's If I Were You And he recorded a four-second song Who cares what his name is And we are joined by a really good-mood dude I guess I would call him Don't call me that Is that a grumpy? Huh? Aren't you having fun on our podcast?

Okay I actually You made me stop eating my lunch To record this I slapped a ham sandwich out of his mind Street or Vegas for weeks and weeks and weeks to be on this podcast I did You guys playing way too cool for school

Yeah, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by me And me Amir and Jake And we're, yeah, we have a guest today Streeter Seidel A lot of applause and noise in later Thanks to you

First Streeter's request from his manager and agent and lawyer Well, you gotta have a good team behind you We work with you and it's so weird that you were like We asked you to be on the podcast And you copied us with your agent, manager, and lawyer I don't think I even copied you I forwarded a long request Yeah, you told hard people to get in touch with your people

Yeah, they looped in the whole team I mean, I can't This is almost a year in the making now We've been trying to get Streeter on the podcast We just cleared it all through legal Yeah, so, so excited that it's finally happening I now I'm comfortable putting my whole weight behind the problem He actually demanded we start a podcast

That's the whole reason we're doing this thing Just so he could be a guest on it Streeter's the editor-in-chief of College Humor Yeah And also a great, great acquaintance of ours One of the best acquaintances I know, actually I feel like you were gonna say I was great at something else And then you bailed

Well, what else is great at? You know history well Yeah, I'm great at the past You also read more books than anyone else I know That's sort of a rare thing that you wouldn't guess Yeah People, people your size People think I'm a fool

Yeah, like a sports fan Yeah, yeah, and I'm not Unless it's a history of sports Yeah, I get into that I'm a big sports fan for sports that already happened a while ago Grounders Yeah, yeah, really into rounders For people who don't know, it's the English game that baseball

Grew out of Holy shit I believe it was Holy shit No, he's hijacking the podcast It's not advice anymore There's a new, a new theme song History podcast

If Streeter talked about history for an hour Have you thought about starting a history podcast? I have, I thought about it a lot And I wanted to do it very badly And then I saw that there were so many really good history podcasts With like huge audiences from much smarter people It's a crowded marketplace I wouldn't start a podcast

All right These are Could be more of a bad idea Ah, it seems like you guys are really into it though No, no, no So you don't think I should do it? No, no, no, no We wouldn't want to like oversaturate it with college humor podcasts

Well, it would just be my own thing, you know Sure, I mean, but at that point It's like me and Jake already have our own thing And then it's like, what now? Streeter the podcast We're starting to cannibalize our listens You're a guest on ours You're a great acquaintance

Yeah, yeah, exactly right So you can, you can call this podcast your own every 17 episodes Can I get that in writing? With my manager? Who's on the phone right now Your Blackberry's growing up So we get, I don't know if you've ever heard the show Oh, definitely

Frantically listening to 30 episodes before we started On two times speed High speed scrubbing through the whole thing Yeah, we haven't even written, we haven't even done 30 episodes Holy shit So we get real questions from real people that email our show at If I were you show at gmail.com And these are people in sticky situations and conundrums

Or just in need of help in some way And me and Jake try to offer advice Usually we fail, but we try to be as funny as possible Or at least as mean as possible Yeah, sometimes we just berate the person who answers the question Oh, that's good So the advice doesn't need to be good But yeah, almost shouldn't be

I would never listen to you for advice ever Right You've asked me over the past three months 10 separate times Sure If your New York state tax return is coming And what you can do about it As if I know anything about tax law or accounting

You joke when I did just get it yesterday Oh, you finally got it I would watch it like email people And he was on the phone the other day with the Like whoever sends out those tax checks The government The government You call the government

How do you call the government? I had a trip planned to Albany this weekend And to demand my money in cash if I didn't get it in time But I got it so we can afford a third microphone to have you on the show Yeah, thank God Just in time Yeah, just in the nick of time Let's start the show

Let's answer some questions Alright, this one is from somebody Fake name, real question, named Walter Ooh, Walter Walt Hey guys, I call my grandma in Poland every week Largely because if I don't my mother will guilt trip me into doing it anyway Problem is, my grandmother was born into communism

And is ignorant to the scale of the rest of the world Because she wasn't aware of the option that the rest of the world for most of her life So every time I call her she has a panic attack Because she thinks all the tornadoes in Central America And any earthquake on the west coast All the hurricanes from the south and any terrorist attack That happened in the village Will happen in the village down the street

I tried to explain to her that America is way bigger than Poland And that most things she hears about it don't really affect where he's from New Jersey, I'll just say it But she can't seem to get a grasp on it It's Walt in New Jersey I don't want my communist grandma to keep worrying about it But I also don't want to be mean or stop calling her What should I do?

It's funny that that communist grandma thinks that there are villages around Something might happen in the village next door The hell is a village? They went extinct in medieval times That used to be where people lived and now we have towns So there's no village in America anymore I think we had one in Bradford It was Cheshire

Cheshire was a quaint little village Yeah, that's right The west village So what should this guy do? He's only calling his grandma because his mother will guilt-trip him into doing it anyway I guess like if you're so concerned about your grandma worrying about you Just wait, she'll die soon She's old

And then you'll, I don't know Then you'll fucking wish you could call her and listen to her complain Shouldn't I say something like If I were you He's better a host than you are Actually, this actually makes a lot of sense Yeah man, you and I get along so well Holy shit, you and I work together so much

Oh god No, no, no, no, no I could never work I need somebody that could pull my weight I love you Sorry, what were you gonna say? If I were you I was gonna say if I were you, I would make that grandma believe that this is a very real threat

That could affect you, whatever it is, tornado, hurricane, terrorist attack And then maybe what meager savings she has You gotta leverage that Yeah, she'll sort of channel it to you So use it to extort your own grandmother Right Yeah, because she's You can't get buried with it

Dying-ish You know, yeah You can't take it with you Grandma, the tornadoes are coming and they need my money But I'm like out It's cost $10,000 to get into the tornado shelter and I don't have it Bubby, I don't Bubby, you got your brother to make tornado noises in the background

Just put on twister I just, I love the idea And I guess I had it growing up too, that like calling your grandparents is such an awful thing Like why is it that bad? It's not bad at all, but it's like always something that like people have to force your son daughters to do I've never done it, so I can't really answer that question You never had grandparents? No, I have had grandparents

You never told them Yeah, what am I gonna tell them? Holy shit Yeah, you have nothing in common with them Right, yeah Like I didn't fight in World War II Whenever I call my grandfather, I like when it's over, like when the conversation is done, he's like, you know, he's so like great Thank you so much for calling me, this made my day

And all you did was Made my day, and I look and it's like eight minutes, eight minutes, four seconds, five minutes, 12 seconds You know, like no time at all, I made his day because he doesn't do it He sits, he gets up at 4 a.m. for some reason Right He just waits till he can eat and then he just sleeps in between It's an equivalent of camping Right

You just wake up with the sun because why not and then you don't really have anything to do until the next meal That's not camping, that is not camping at all But I, I appreciate it That kind of sounds like camping No, no, there's a million things to do when you're camping Like what? Fucking hike, walk around, see animals and nature and trees Yeah, that's what your grandfather does

Camping is dumb shit, man No Camping's like what What is this? We've all, we've spent all these years working so we didn't have to live outside the woods No, we spent all this time working so we need to escape to go out to the woods and see the, what the fuck? This guy's talking about his Polish grandmother and you guys are berating me about camping It's funny that uh, that the rumors are true, Polish people really are stupid

Holy shit But up, bing I hate stereotypes but I guess that one just happened to land It's just even, does this even make sense to you guys? Because she was born into communism, she's ignorant to the scale of the rest of the world I don't understand how communism works That doesn't make sense at all Communism doesn't mean you don't understand the scale of the rest of the world

If she was born into communist Russia, Russia's enormous So she should have a pretty good grass spot Like Russia takes up, I think, half the world This guy's letting excuses for his grandma, like it's not communism, it's just she's dumb, okay? I think grandma might have a dementia, maybe, is that they, like I would call and have a doctor go check her out We're being awful because we're insulting this guy's grandmother and him and I'd like to insult him, I mean, he's kind of a huge a-hole for not wanting to talk to his grandmother once a week But he does, it's literally the least you can do, it's such a huge thing for her

She's been alive for so long and her day sucks so much And she's been through such shit, grandparents have to experience A grandmother growing up in Poland, are you kidding me? She never left Poland? No grandparents' lives are better than their grandchildren's lives Like every grandparent alive right now went to some horrible shit, had a child through, against all odds, they had a child And then that child is such an enormous brat that they won't even call you Right, like they didn't even have phones, dude, be grateful Because you don't want to-

I'm sorry to jump in there, they had phones What are you talking about? Phones have been around for a while Not cell phones Oh, you're talking about old dumb phones Yeah, I'm not talking about cellies, dude Oh, okay, yeah It's like about iPhones

No, they didn't have iPhones, you're right I was thinking, this is sort of a tangent, but like yesterday, because Governor's Ball is this weekend Oh, party Which is an outdoor music festival And so I was thinking like, it's supposed to rain, and I was like, oh man, I like It would be kind of fun to be there in the rain because there's like, you know, people jumping in the mud, like wood stock And then I was like, no, because every, like, what will all my friends do with their phones? If that happens, like, we have, we always have $400 in our pocket

At all times That's just a fucking phone And a phone Yeah, $400 cash Our grandparents probably didn't have $400 for the first 58 years of their lives That's when my grandpa got paid for killing nine Nazis Over three and a half years of his life and watching his friends get murdered The general paid for scalps

Yeah, yeah, he got a ride home in steerage class on a boat and 400 bucks And you won't fucking call him? Are you kidding me? Basically call your grandmother But she is a communist, so And what's the recent revelations about the government monitoring, uh, telephone calls Yeah, let's talk about it Yeah, I think, you know, a call to a former Soviet bloc country with a communist, uh, leader of the family, if you will Might raise a couple red flags

Honestly, I'm surprised that he hasn't been arrested yet He emailed me on, like, a public Gmail I'm sure the government has currently talked to his grandmother at least to figure out Where this communism is coming from Maybe it's a sell and polling This kid's down in Gitmo already Holy shit What a shame

He'll never be able to hear the podcast That's one less listener Um, all right, let's move on to the next question Um, this one is from Schuyler Ooh, Schuyler A lady Once again, the email is, if I were you, show at gmail.com Email us in, we'll answer your questions, if possible

Where should people email if they want to talk to me? Uh, we could just give your phone number, it's 203-553 If you said any number, someone would text it Let's try texting 203, no, I didn't hear you do it, I ain't gone I feel bad, all right The question is, I have a friend in quotes who is a man-eater to put it nicely She's the most shallow person I know, and I don't even like bringing her around My guy friends, because they always end up complaining about her

Because she acts like such a bitch Asking for treats Her words, not ours Exactly, asking for things because they obviously don't owe her an expensive night out And they obviously don't need to pay for anything And she treats her girlfriends the same way Seriously, anytime she wants to hang out, I end up doing physical labor for her One time I ended up scanning her family photos for three days straight

How do I ditch this B without looking like the one who is the B? You're obviously not Yeah, you can ditch that B Ditch the B Don't trust the B In apartment 23 I want to know how this night went That she got invited to and ended up scanning photos for three days

That's so funny That's just day two, like, ah, this sucks, but I mean, I'm halfway done Yeah, yeah Like, holy shit The morning of day three must have been difficult All right, we're gonna- Third day Home stretch

My back hurts My cropping is getting sloppy, but fuck if I have to finish, come on Skyler, do you have my fucking photos yet? It's my grandma's 80th or 90th birthday or some shit I'm almost done, Marissa, I am so sorry She lives in Poland I know, I know And she doesn't even know how big America is

She's a communist, I know Yeah I'm just so sorry It's just like, there's so many photos, it's taken me three days Are you freaking kidding? These are two photos at a time, Skyler I'm not gonna freaking sit here and crop them out Please scan one photo at a time

And scan the back of it too Yeah, don't make it crooked In case there's a little note written on it I know I've been checking I don't want to freaking crop it and have to rotate it a little bit Please just make sure the lines are perpendicular for the look at it So our advice is to stop complaining and just scan the photos I mean, she's a friend, right?

It's only three days Like, geez, three days of your life? Oh my god, your friend has had a really hard life, okay? I think she's fought a war She's grown up a communist I think the problem's not with this girl, this B I think the problem is with Skyler Skyler needs to have a little more self-respect

Yeah, you gotta say no And not hang around people who suck all the dick And just ditch those people Yeah, I mean, definitely at least stand up to her Maybe she'll respect that and change and be like, all right, cool Skyler passed the test, she called me on my bullshit Oh, you think it's a big test? Yeah

Well, I don't know, those are dummy photos I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt But she might be an awful person That's a great idea, like if you act like an asshole all the time And someone calls you out to be like, I'm proud of you You did it Now I can be the real me around you All right, cool, now I'll start being nice

That's sort of like Make it one day worth of photos I think that's like pledging a frat Where like all the brothers are just like hazing you for two months And then like at the end, you're like, all right, we accept you You're like, I don't like you, you made me fucking eat dog food, you ass I'm plotting to kill you Yeah, but they're my best friends

Yeah, it's so weird Like I'm just an awful person Like fucking stink figler Asian chris Pug knuckles Pug knuckle These are my boys Irish chris

Fat Asian chris There's two Asian chris, there's one normal Asian chris and one fat Asian chris So you're saying, look, stay yourself in the mirror, Skyler And say the problem's not with the B, the problem is with me Wow Apartment 20 Me Yeah, that's what it sounds like

It sounds like someone with kind of low self-esteem who like Yeah, you gotta stand up to that Yeah, who's just gonna like sit there and take it Is there anybody in your life that you would scan photos for three days straight for? You My wife An hour of silence You, I do it for either of you guys, I think

So I'd be like, I have a photo, I have a box of probably 1500 photos Sounds like you just did a bad job at scanning There's no way that that task takes three full fucking days How many photos we talking about And how old is your scanner Who has a scanner Kinkos And like, yeah, who has a scanner anymore

I remember my brother got a scanner for his bar mitzvah in 1992 This is a fake question I'm starting to think some of these aren't real Skyler I don't know, these are real, these are real You're a bad scanner That's our advice is to get a better scanner if you're gonna have to do this kind of task If you're such a pushover that you're scanning people's family photos

Because now all, all of that girl's friends are being like Oh yes, Skyler actually scanned all the photos Like, she did such a nice job, do you think she'd scan my photos? She's a great scanner Oh yeah, she says yes to anything Skyler the scanner, yeah, I know her She's like, scanner, scanner, scanner, yeah, yeah She starts her own business and makes a million dollars

Skyler's scanlering Skyler's scanlery Ah, we have fun This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place

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So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy, it's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com if I were you You do that today, you can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Next question Let's try to remain on target That was like a little too much Yeah, no more joking around Let's get like a fucking real answer here Exactly

So this is gonna be fun And now you're putting all these rules on it And I'm still not eating my lunch There's a pastrami on ride Just three inches below streeters nose A rumble wafting up Getting soggy man Come on

You know what makes you the most hungry is holding food But not being able to eat it Like I'm not usually like very hungry But like if I'm carrying like a slice of pizza on a train I'm like dying of Yeah That'd be like a good torture for you If I ever torture you I'll do that

I think also like holding a drink at a bar Where like everybody's getting like you want to like make cheers or something So like you're waiting for everybody who's like have it Like oh man just one sip That's really would taste nice right now Or like the way I feel like the worst feeling in the world is when you um When you take a stock of all your life

And the people who you love in your life And you realize that it's all empty and meaningless And these feelings are just manufactured for show And you realize that you're an isolated pinnacle alone In in the darkness adrift on a blue rock in the middle of space Completely inconsequential And the crushing reality of that slams down on you And you think if I live if I die it doesn't matter at all

But that food thing sucks too I'm sorry I can't breathe I'm being I'm being suffocated by my own existential dilemma Holy fuck that was heavy But enough about Streeter I'm kidding This one comes from Hank My neighbor

Oh okay oh okay no no I got it I got it This one does come from Hank My neighbor from childhood is getting married And is having a wedding in late June I was allowed to bring up plus one And asked my friend who have had a crush on Since freshman year of high school

She knew I had feelings for her then But nothing came of it And we've been good friends ever since I'm quite a bit older now And we're both single at this point I really wanted to date her because she's been Sort of a dream girl But I don't I don't know if she will ever think of me

As more than a friend Should I use this wedding as an opportunity To try to make a move Or should I just have a good time And see if any other hot girls are willing to Hook up with me Thanks guys Oh big question

This is so funny I can't believe he got a plus one without a Without a serious girlfriend That's crazy That's totally breaking wedding etiquette right there Streeter's like bit had a wedding So like that's that's what jumps out at him So you're oh so that's like

That's like $300 right there for somebody We don't even know who that person is I mean that's and that's if you're doing like chicken If you're like doing the filet Or the lobster or whatever like that's like three feet I remember your wedding Everybody got a Greek yogurt and that was it Yeah everyone got a faget

A fayet yogurt On the way out Robiotic a lot of people got diarrhea Everybody got a gogurt on the way in And an oykos on the way out And it lasted for 23 minutes Make it count people Oykos

We should get oykos to sponsor this That'd be cool This episode is brought to you by oykos It's our favorite Greek yogurt Fuck faget You guys should do a fake sponsorship every single time Until it comes true Oh that's good

You know It's actually pronounced fayet Fayet Yeah they put it in the commercial Yeah because you know It sounds a little bit like a derogatory word Yeah it sounds like faggy Oh

Oh hey hey We just went blue Faggy yogurt Which is actually a different kind of yogurt Now uh can I address the question Yeah should he I don't remember what the question was He invited this dream girl to this wedding

Should he go for it Or should he try to see if there's any hot girls That are willing to hook up with him Right Dream girl since high school and he's 26 He's gotta go for it You gotta go for it At a wedding that's like the place to go for it

Wedding's great That window's gonna close pretty soon Should have closed already if it's 11 years Hey It's not like he's already closed It was in this situation And? Then I went for it

And? It worked out You know I mean you know my wife It's true Oh that's Vanessa Yeah that's Okay yay yeah totally I totally blanked The yogurt really just messed with my mind

I totally I spaced over then at that wedding We had dinner together last night You had dinner with street owner Vanessa No I would never I was just kidding Not cool I would love to go to dinner with you guys sometime I'd love to have you

That'd be amazing Not a mere Um great So I think that it Well it's sort of weird that this guy's like Should I make a move on this girl I've always loved Or hook up with some other hot chicks Yeah like this girl's definitely going to the wedding with him

Should he still Those are some good options This girl if she's hearing it like Oh man this guy has a huge crush on me But he's like also considering just Hooking up with some random bridesmaid If he like if he feels like it Yeah but that's

That's her fault for not giving in Like that she made him think that way If she had She made him think that the The window of opportunity is closed She made him think like I need a backup plan Right

Because she's been shutting him down for so long You know Yeah but I'd say go for it Like high risk high reward Go for it at this point If you don't get it it's been 11 years It's not going to happen But don't bring her to the wedding

And then try to hook up if there's any other hot girls there Yeah that's a horrible idea Yeah Because then I mean I think there's You know bring her to the wedding Go for it if that doesn't work Then hey you know

1am dance floor sort of emptying out There's a drunk bridesmaid Hey maybe it's a drunk bride Then you uh then you make a move Whoa That's what's up I actually hooked up I've hooked up with 3 brides at weddings

I know for real which ones One at streeters and one at David Youngs Oh dude you didn't know No I knew No I knew I was funny man I knew it was funny man It was an honor

It was an honor You taught her so much Oh dude thank you Jake is bowing I think like You know what the The worst thing you can do is this Ah shit

I feel like the scariest thing for this kid Like in the back of his head Is the idea that he goes with this girl And then she hooks up with someone else That would be like The ultimate horrible situation He's totally protecting himself from that situation Yeah

But like 26 Like you're grown up Mm-hmm You know Well Jake's 27 Get there What would you do? I think I'd probably bring this girl

And hook up with somebody else And make a move And if it doesn't work Then I hook up with somebody else Or even if it works Maybe like she goes to bed early And I try to hook up with somebody else after that Oh you know what a good tip is too

When he gets the hotel room Book the single bed But then be all like Oh no I guess we'll have to share Oh the hotel fucked up Well weird I can't believe this

Is there anything Is there anything we can do Yeah we can wheel cut it No no no no no Well that's fine Cut No I have a bad back

And she's absolutely not sleeping on the cut Well we have a double queen I wouldn't do that either I would just have her sleep inside me Or inside the room We feel so bad about the mistake We're gonna upgrade you Two separate rooms

This plan has gone horribly wrong Oh that's great Cause I met somebody else No It's the groom Yeah Oh that's actually a pretty good tip One room, one bed

Play it off as an accident One room, one groom There's some scumbag advice But I think it works Yeah that's low But I support it Also wait This girl's going to the wedding with him

Like Right I wouldn't probably That would just not close If she said yes to another wedding Like everyone knows what's up When you bring someone to a wedding Shit's wide open Why is that

Why are weddings so much more romantic than Love is on the mind dude Yeah there's a lot of Everybody looks fucking amazing Everybody's in suits and dresses And it's like summertime right now Oh my god just a vow Oh I'm getting

Open, open bar I'm getting it hot right now Holy shit The covenant A covenant made between two people Before the almighty lord Oh my god yeah Oh it gets you hot

It gets you hot Hell yeah Hook up with the bridesmaid That's my advice Ditch the date Sorry I don't I'm so all over the place I'm with Streeter

Bring the girl Make that move I'm with both of you guys Let us know how it goes That email again is If I Were You Show at gmail.com Send pics Send pics

Send pics Send questions Send intro theme songs Our email is open to you I'm pointing at you guys All right we have time for one more question Are you guys ready Yeah

Let's do it This one is from Did we say Marie yet? I don't think so This one is from Marie I've been best friends with this girl Since we were five For 20 years

But over the past few years I feel like I've outgrown her She is lazy and often depends on her boyfriend And family to support her financially The last straw was when she couldn't even be bothered To make any effort to see me on my birthday Even though I'd gone through a lot of effort For a few months before her

To see her on her birthday We haven't talked since my birthday Six months ago And I miss having a really close friend to confide in We've had such a long history And I don't want to be the one to call Since she doesn't seem to reciprocate anyway What should I do?

Quit being a bitch No What That's like a really nice You weren't it First of all, you're on your phone that entire question I missed it I was like

My advice is always quit being a bitch I'm tindering right now You're on Tinder for an hour You looked up Not listening to the question Matches Matches equals snatches Yo, when you're on Tinder

Matches equals snatches Okay That'd be a good sponsor for this Yeah, Tinder would be dope I'd be very grateful for that sponsorship I would like to like an upgrade on my Tinder profile I don't know what the deluxe Tinder profile is, but like I would like another 10 miles of radius

For the pro count It doesn't stretch wide enough I can't cast wide enough of a neck That's like a legitimate difficult question Yeah Well, I think It's hard to come up with an actual answer So I'm not even gonna try

It's hard to break up with a friend Right, a friend breaker Yeah, friends don't break up I mean, at least You just drift apart Yeah, it slowly dies Which it sounds like you're doing right now It sounds like he's drifted apart

Yeah, you gotta let it die This is my theory about friends And I don't know if I'll be able to articulate it without visuals But like I imagine every person is like a line graph And then the earlier you meet someone The more those two lines start drifting apart So you're the friends that you made right Most recently are your closest friends

And the ones that you made very long ago Are probably so far away from you at this point It's hard to meet a friend at age five And have that trajectory stay the same Where are we at now? Eight years down the road with each other So where does that put us? We're closer than my very close high school friends

That I made at age 15 But further apart than friends I made two years ago Really? You haven't made any friends Two years ago Two years, yeah What are you talking about? You haven't even made any friends here

Bloom fell, dude Oh my god, dude The island The island, lonely island That blue rock The blue rock in the middle of space Crushing loneliness from every direction Uh, yo

Sorry, I don't like a really lonely freestyle Yo, uh, uh, uh Okay, I'm alone in the universe, boy Even all the connections I have are meaningless Uh, uh, uh, here it goes A rapper that talks about how depressed he is Go show it This persistence existence is meaningless

Oh, it's meaningless I'm meaningless and I'm meaning your fist And I'm killing this like I'm killing myself Existentialist, I want an existentialist Top three ways to kill yourself Existentialist, I'm existentially pissed When I die I won't be missed Hey, after we're done doing this podcast

We should work on the song Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea We'll introduce the next podcast with her freestyle I think, uh, I think it's She should make, Marie should go out and make a new friend Like, actively seek new friends Instead of trying to, like, if she doesn't like an old friend anymore Then, like, who gives a shit

Yeah, definitely not putting enough effort into your friendship Like, if that, like, relationship is not making you happy Then you just have to cut your losses It's easy to convince yourself that you're friends with someone Because you've been friends with someone for so long But you're a totally different person than you are at age Definitely at age five Yeah, like, you're pretty much the same

It was Jake's playing with a rock right now I still like rocks, girls, and cheese Jake, uh, Jake unrolled a whole fruit by the foot Then rolled it back up and jammed it all in his mouth After he took the paper off And, like, wiping still confuses me He put a cheese in his nose

Just to see what happens I had friends, like, yeah, just because you're, like, You both, like, Rocko's modern life When you're a kid, like, you can take wildly different paths From that point on Like, yeah, like, I have friends from home That I was, like, so tight with when I was a kid And now they're, like, I don't know what happened

But they're into, like, country music somehow Right And they, like, drive, like, jacked up trucks And, like, have southern accents And I'm, like, we're just not This isn't gonna happen anymore And that's fine, that's okay You don't meet your wife at age five

You meet your wife at age, you know, between 20th and 30th I actually met my wife when I was, uh, 10 Holy shit But That's wrong Actually, my parents met each other when they were in kindergarten But that was an arranged thing Yes

Yeah Yeah, yeah I was actually wed when they were in sixth grade I was an arranged son, if you can imagine I agree with your line graph theory Although I feel like, um, proximity is everything Like, you know what I mean? So, like, it doesn't, if you met someone when you're five

And you always live next door to them till you're 80 You're probably always gonna be tight with them Right, because you're on the same trajectory But, like, you know, this person went here This person went there They're like, it's hard to come back and meet in that middle Because that's the thing that, yeah It's the great destroyer of, like, childhood friendships

Just ruins them all immediately And you're like, oh, I have new friends I was the, I was the exact opposite I have, uh, tight group of friends from high school And I don't really have any friends that I just made in college Because I was, like, you know, awful, awful person Between the ages of 18 and 22 Right, yeah, you were the worst, right?

Yeah, yeah, I was just mean-speared and ugly You were in, you were in Juvie, and then you went This dude was in the system, man I was in and out of Juvie They wanted to send him to jail Because he was technically 21 But he was too small, so they said I was able to slide through the bars

So they couldn't- Not a jail could hold him I was the only 25-year-old that went to Juvie I was the Houdini They called me Joudini The way I slipped out of cages So my advice, if I were you, let this- let this lady go Yeah, you had a great run

Cut her loose 20 years Yeah That's a great friendship It's time to find a new friend you could be friends with for 20 years Yeah, and then break up with her at age 45 Wouldn't that be nice? Isn't it a beautiful thing about life is being able to have an amazing friend that you just-

It's nice how people drift into your life And you can suck maximum amount of joy out of them And then just cut them loose and find a new source of pleasure In a different human being Rather than that husk that just blew off in the breeze When you moved to Seattle Like a permit crab Or a pistachio nut

Your friends are like a shell You know, sometimes you gotta shed it and find a new one There's snakeskin Leaving dead in the distance Snakeskin, I make skin Oh, that's good, let's write that down for yourself Snakeskin, I make skin I rake in

Oh Yeah, the cash That bacon That bacon So snakeskin, I make skin I rake in that bacon You reckon I'm messin' You reckon I'm messin'

Well, why you be stressin' I'm lessin' Undressin' I'm alone in the world I'm alone in the world I'm alone with the girl I'm alone with the girl I'm alone in the world

So yeah, the good news is that we are all specks of dust On an infinite plane And nothing matters So your friend You know, 20 years What's that in infinity? I mean, based on the structure of an atom Anyway, we're all 99.999% empty space

Nothing So we're nothing We're nothing What are you? We're nothing You're empty space Ugh, yo I'm empty space

I am empty space Em-MT space I'm about to be a rapper then Yeah, that's my- I'm empty space That's my- Yeah Empty space

This is empty- MC space I'm your disgrace Case by case Let's end on that extremely sad But musical note Like a minor chord Yeah, like a B minor

Yeah Streeter, thanks so much for joining us Thanks for havin' me Do you have anything you want to plug? I guess I'll- Can I plug white wine? Trust me or else No, probably not

Oh, let me plug that though Well, we get one veto That's my only thing We get one veto You get a veto? We each get one veto So that was his I might use mine

Oh, god You could repitch it one more Vlog? No, like I would veto both of those Yeah, I guess I- I guess I'd- Next stop would be my Twitter So, yeah

No, I would have to use the veto on the Twitter Yeah, I'm gonna use my one emergency veto Which we get every 10 episodes This just seems so stacked We each have half a minute veto That makes one big veto Oh Yeah, well

Danny DeVito Danny DeVito, I think he's Nito Eatin' a Frito instead of a Cheeto We're in a Speedo Holy shit All right, yeah, you can- You can plug anything Okay, yeah

Well, uh, whitewine.com Wine with an H Where I- And white with an H, too With white with an H, yeah I don't know how else you'd spell it But, um, where that's where I collect First World Problems that are sickening

Just sickening to me Looks like these questions actually Yeah, they're very disturbing Makes you feel better about yourself to read it Yes, yeah, yeah You're like, hey, I'm not the biggest shit that's ever lived Exactly We'll check out whitewine.com

And, uh, yeah, this is our show Once again, that email address Please email us in We need your questions We feed off them Much like we were talking about earlier Stealing someone's soul And using it for your own private good

That email is ifiroushow at gmail.com Let's- Let's get out of here with another Brand new theme song Users submitted Keep those coming in And this one's from Alex Ladoo Alex Ladoo

That's like a radio DJ Alex Ladoo This one's from Alex Ladoo From the racks and stacks of the best on wax This one's coming to you fresh from Alex Ladoo If I were you If I were you If I were you

By Jake and Amir They'll tell you how to live your life By giving you some BS advice