If I Were You - 90: Nipple Ring

Episode Date: July 21, 2014

In this episode we discuss body piercing, evil birds, and fleshlights.This episode is brought to you by TeePublic.com -- our home for official "If I Were You" t-shirts!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Another episode on Caesar Cheese Dog Go, If you got a question or something that's wrong, Jake and Amir, they will know what to do, turn into their podcasts. If I were you, they're always unpredictable, and usually bad guys, I really hope you don't get shit advice. So take the photograph and still frames in your mind, hanging out, shopping, good health and good time. This is still part of the song. How do they get us? I would love, we should do it once. We should make a cover song of something like that. Oh, like cover somebody else's cover? Yeah, like I'll play Dammit on the guitar and you'll sing.

Sing the lyrics that Chase and Tanvi recorded for us. Classic Tanvi. Or do you want me to actually just... I think we should write our own themes. Oh, like the first episode. Yeah, except it'll be harder because it's going to be us doing an actual parody, not just making up some random song. Yeah, it'll be hard because we're not good at music. Yeah, cool.

Let's do it. So, we're back. You're back. Welcome back to me. We had one episode without you. Yeah, that was... Sorry about that. I'm not going to lie. That irked me. You weren't actually out of town.

That was a weird goof idea. It was locked outside. It was banging on the door. I said, let's pretend Jake's not here. You and Ben doing shit when I'm not there. Really, that's how the contest video started. Yeah, you're out of town. Still. That's how prank war started.

Why do I leave town? You never leave town. Yeah. I should have a video with Streeter and a podcast with Ben. But then that would require someone actually doing the work. Oh, yeah. That's tough. I'm going to pass then on the work part. In that case, I'll stick to my original job. Of traveling.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the whole internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You haven't even heard that episode, have you? That mean Ben one. I have not. You think you're going to ever listen to it? I have a pretty big backlog of these podcast episodes to listen to.

Oh, you want to go back and listen to like the last 50 episodes? Yeah, I feel like you have to do it in order. What are we on? I listened up to this. This is 90. Okay. I have some catching up to do. How much catching up do you have to do?

I would say maybe the last episode I listened to was what episode number was like the one with my mom? I'd guess like 43. That was it. Oh my God. You have over half to go. That's going to take you two days of continuous listening. But I feel like I'm on the episodes.

Like I live the moment. So you do or don't want to listen to it? Do you listen to them? I listen to it when we edit it. You have to edit it. Yeah, yeah. But you listen to it on like double time. I listen to it a little fast and make sure that I don't mess up or make a joke so badly

that I don't want anybody to hear it. Do you ever edit out your jokes? No, rarely. Maybe once or twice. And then in a thousand episodes, we'll make a compilation episode of all the jokes I've tried. All the jokes that didn't land. What a terrible episode.

Hey, tune in for our worst joke episode. It's all the bad jokes. Everything's bad. It's called the cutting room floor. Love it. What are you popping? What is that? I was trying to surreptitiously pop a little pimple on my leg and you're calling me out

and I bet you're not going to edit this out, are you? Why should I? Yeah, you'll probably make the audio extra loud so people know that I had a zit on my leg. No, I like to normalize the audio so that nothing feels too quiet or loud. Is the zit on your thigh the same as the zit on your face? Not the have a zit on your face one saying. I also have a zit on my face right now.

This is so fucked. This isn't a video podcast. We're just going to talk about my bad appearance. Let's say the zit on my back. Is that the same as the zit on my cheek? I don't know. It's like a buildup of white shit. Yeah.

This is you as a dermatologist. So basically you have a buildup of white shit. This didn't feel like the same as the zit on my face. Actually, this is a good segue into the first question which is about a body part. Do you have a fake name for this person? Sure. Let's use New York Yankees in honor of Derek Jeter. Yeah.

Hashtag respect. Hashtag with a two instead of an S. That's right. Yeah. Hashtag respect. Yeah. What would you call this guy? Let's call him the captain.

Let's call him Derek Jeter. There's all going to be different names for Derek Jeter. This comes to us from the captain. All right. The captain writes, Hey guys, my girlfriend is about to turn 18. I'm 16, by the way, and she wants to get her nipples pierced as an act of rebellion. Despite her numerous attempts to sell me on how cool it is, I'm not convinced whatsoever. I understand that this is not my decision to make, but she clearly cares about my opinion,

considering I'm the first person she talked to about it. I am really not into body modification at all, and I think she's perfect just the way she is. She hasn't been dissuaded by my mention of the pain and the risk for diseases associated with the procedure and called me lame and unadventurous. Help me, Jake and Amir. How can I convince her not to go through with this? Or am I completely in the wrong? Much love the captain.

The captain. The captain. El Capitan. The captain. Oh, Captain. My captain. Sure. Let me just say, Derek Jeeter, you can do no wrong.

I'm such a fan. This is not actually... I am humbled by what you did for the New York Yankees, and I think however you want to deal with this situation is best. You've never let our team astray, you've never let me down. Go on with your life. I think we should choose a different theme. theme because for every question I feel like you're just going to tell them that I salute you. Yeah, yeah. Captain Kluskin to your note.

Thank you, thank you. All right, and assuming that this isn't, let's say this is a 16-year-old who's born after Jeter even played for the Yankees. All right, if that's the case. 16-year-olds, by the way, born in 1998. Very hot. Wow, I'm young. Yeah. It's crazy to think how young I am. You want to feel young? New Girl came out three years ago. Yeah. Body modification. Wait, first of all, what are your thoughts on nipple piercings? Do you agree with this guy or are you fine with it?

I don't think I would be that turned on. I'm not really into... Would you be that turned off? No, of course not. You'd be fine. Everything's fine, whatever. Everything? Everything's fine, everything's hot, everything's sexy. You go, girl. I go, boy, let's fuck it and fuck it, and it'll all be fine. Yeah. Okay. I would say it seems like his downfall is that he's not being honest with this girlfriend, who he knows respects his opinion. She's like, what do you think?

And he's like, there's diseases associated with that, you know? It might be painful. And that's not what he thinks. What he thinks is that they're ugly and he's unattracted to them. So he's not telling her the truth. And that's causing her to be like, you're lame, it doesn't matter, I don't care about diseases, I don't care about pain, I'm fucking badass. He should just be like, I don't think your boobs look ugly, and then she of course won't get them. No, because I feel like she's calling him lame and out-of-venturous

because he's trying to be like, no, I don't really like it, but he's saying it in the most polite way, which is like, you'll get diseases and you're perfect just the way you are. So you think it would be cool if he's like, I think your tits will look bad? I don't think any of it's cool, but I think that it will be more effective if it's honest. Okay, that's a good tip. That's a good advice. I kind of not agree with, but I can understand where this guy is coming from. You don't like piercings either.

Yeah, I don't like piercings either. You don't even like when a girl has her nose pierced. Yeah, it's true. What about earrings? Earrings are fine, though I'd prefer not. I mean, I just have a, I prefer less jewelry to more, but the nipple piercings would be like a real weird part. Like I could, I could imagine if a girl I was dating would got, got like her nose pierced, but like nipple piercings would be like, whoa, this is kind of a little weird.

Like I feel like I would be the opposite of into it. I would be out of it. Well, it's kind of hard because I mean now you would probably date somebody who wouldn't pierce their nipples. And if someone you were dating was like, Hey, I'm gonna pierce my nipples. It would come as a surprise because the person you would be dating Right. would be not a nipple piercer. Wouldn't you say that's for you?

Like would you be surprised if any of your ladies that you've been with were like, I want to pierce my nipples? That's kind of surprising. Yeah. Well, I think it's sort of a young thing to do. I wouldn't be surprised if some of people, like some people in like my history or history would, yeah, I might have even, I don't know. Have you ever seen a pierc, have you ever touched a pierced nipple? Yeah.

I don't think I would like that. I feel like I would be like, Oh, that's sensitive and like, I don't want to hurt you and it's also cold. Is it cold? No, it's like the temperature of the person's skin. Oh, I see. All right, you can get them. I was just worried about the temperature.

I didn't want it to be frigid. Like when I reach into a fridge, I don't like touching a cold jar of pickles. Yeah, you know how metal is always cold. Especially in that ice box. I assume the rules of the fridge are applicable anywhere else. What if you're walking around and it's cold out and you have nipple rings? Then your nipples will be cold. It's just interesting because she's like discovering who she is and she's taking

these risks and who is this guy to be like, no, don't do it. And he even says it himself. So I'll give him credit. He says, I know it's not my decision. So I think all you can do is be honest and if she rejects it, then let her do her thing and let it run its course. She can have Pierce nipples for a little bit. Maybe you'll even be into them.

I would say give them a chance. But okay, so the advice is be honest. Tell her you don't necessarily like it. But then if she does get it, then you have to sort of weigh how much you dislike it versus how much you like her. Yeah, but I mean, would you ever break up with someone over the fact that you didn't like their nipple rings? If it really bothers you, then you probably should.

Or maybe it's indicative of a bigger thing. Like, oh, I don't like the type of person that gets nipple rings. Right. What kind of person gets nipple rings? Lots of different people get nipple rings, I think. That's like what her dad would say. Lots of people. What kind of person gets nipple rings?

No, seriously, what kind of person? I'm wondering. So what is curious, somebody who wants to express themselves in a certain way, somebody who thinks that they're attractive, somebody that it's so painful. Like imagine someone's doing that to your nips. I can imagine it. I don't think they're that good.

It hurts. I would want to do that. Yeah. Like even for like a lot of money, I wouldn't. Would you pierce your nipples for $50,000? Of course I would. For a year? Yeah.

You'd keep nipple rings in for a year for $50,000? Yes. I don't think I would. I don't want that on my tax. All right. All right, internet. Kickstarter. Kickstarter.

Is that crazy? For you. I would think you'd do it for $50,000. I don't think so. Just the thought, like it grosses, it would be like, would you have a cold for a year? Or would you have nausea, car sickness for a year? Nipples don't cause you any physical pain.

They do. They do. They do cause me physical pain. I don't want them. You wrote this question. I'm crying. I can't believe this is fucking happening. You're cutting me a check.

What? What sort of insane billionaire? I have a fucking piercing gun. Hold him down. How does it work? Does it go through the nipple or does it go around the nipple? It goes like through just under the nipple, like on the areola. Oh, no.

Like, I feel uncomfortable in bras. What? What? Yeah, I think the advice is be honest and let her do her thing. Don't put up a fight. Yeah, don't put your foot down, especially not on her nipples. You don't even want to touch your nipples for a couple of weeks. They're going to be sore, sensitive, and not to mention infected because

not a lot of people want to put hydrogen peroxide on their nips. You got your eyebrow pierced. I got my eyebrow and my cartilage pierced when I was in college. Right, like that's an example. That's why you're fine with nipple piercing because you've done piercings before. Right. I would never even do that. Well, there was a time when I was in college, I wanted a girlfriend.

I remember trying to convince a girl when I was a homeless woman to like pierce her nipples. Like all my friends would be like, you should pierce your nipples. It's so hot. So it's sexy. Why is that? What is it? I don't know. I was 18.

What about like a tongue? Would you rather do nipples or tongue? I mean, nipples, I think they would get my way a lot less. My tongue is involved in way more of my day-to-day activities. That's the crazy part, like a bar through your tongue. My God. That sounds so painful and uncomfortable. Like uncomfortable.

We're not talking about the piercing of, you know, the one that's on everybody's mind. The old, the old cheek one. The one that's just a random stud in the middle of your cheek. That's right. Don't appreciate that. Don't appreciate that. That's a weird one. Actually, there's like some, I don't know if this is a trend now or it always was,

but like girls that are piercing their lower backs in a weird way. What? And that doesn't really turn me on. Like when I'm watching porn and I see the girl has like a lower back piercing, I can't get off to it. Like a bar. Yeah. It's like a bar through her back.

Why? What is that? I don't understand piercings. I really don't get it at all. Well, it's like tattoos. It's like jewelry. It's like anything. It's just people take it to a certain extreme.

I guess the closest thing I have to any of that stuff is glasses. Yeah. It's an accessory that you think makes you look better. Yeah. And that's what they think too. So that's like instead of nice glasses on my face, they think what looks better for them is to have a bar going through their tongue, their nipple, and the tailbone of their back.

Nice glasses on my, you have nerdy loser glasses on your face because your eyes are fucked up. So yeah, you're ugly too. Just in a way that you can't change. They can remove their bar and you need to get LASIK. Yep. So that's that. All right. Next question.

Shit. This one also involves nipples. Nipple piercings. All the questions today are nipple piercings. You had an agenda. All right. This one is, this one's a funny question. I need another name.

Let's call this guy number two. Number two. Oh, that's good because this is question number two. Perfect. It's about taking a shit. Boom. Really? No, it's not really.

All right. Ready? I'm going to read it for the first time. You're going to have to listen to it. Sorry. Yeah. Falling asleep instantly. Reading a graphic novel.

All right. Ready? Yeah. I am a student who will be going to university in the fall. So I thought I would get a summer job to make some money. Eventually I found a decent job that pays well. So all seemed to be fine. However, when I first walked from my house to where I was going to be picked up from the job,

an aggressive bird swooped down from the trees right outside my house and passed my head. I could hear his feathers rustle. He was so close. And he took two more swoops at me before I finally got out of the area. Needless to say, this malevolent mockingbird scared the shit out of me. The bird bastard now sits on a lamppost and stares at me and stares at me whenever I start. This bird bastard now sits on a lamppost and stares at me whenever I start to leave my house. And tries to attack me almost every single time I walk past.

He only backs off once I start running away. He only backs off once I start running away or swinging at him whenever I'm holding. This nefarious foul has become a real pain as I never want to leave my house. He attacks my friends and family too. What should I do to get this bastard bird to leave me alone so that people won't be afraid to come to my house anymore so that I can safely get to my summer job? Oh my god, I'm crying. It's funny because if birds wanted to, they could just ruin a life.

What would you do if a bird would be fucked if two pigeons decided to ruin your life they could? No, they couldn't. Yes, they could. I could kill a pigeon. Ow. So, my fuck, I'll punch it. If two, fine, if eight pigeons wanted to ruin your life they could.

Punch you. I would punch all of them. You could not punch pigeons if eight pigeons were attacking you. Then I'd get a BB gun. Whoa. Come at me, pigeon. Let's see it. How would you get it?

This is what the movie Birds is based on. If birds wanted to, they could take over the world. I have nothing around me that would, I guess I could use your baseball bat and just swing wildly at the bird. Would you do a preemptive attack? You're actually kind of freaking me out. We got to kill all birds. Actually, there's one outside right now.

Give me the bat. Fuck, dude. Let's fucking play bird baseball. We should kill every bird. It's so funny. He stares at me when I'm in my house. He just fucking waits. The various foul.

My friends are afraid to come over. It's starting off by saying, like, I have a summer job and I don't know how to balance this stuff. Also, a bird attacks me. I don't know what to do. I have a bully that's a crow. Yeah, a winged beast. A winged beast bully.

A beaked bully. I guess there's nothing, I don't know, hurt that you can get a slingshot, BB gun, or kill it with kindness. That's right. Take a kind bar and put it in the slingshot, I think, or you can get a bird feel and feed it every day. Feed me a little piece of bread or seeds, and then make it your friend. Fiberglass in the seeds.

Yeah, no, no, no. That way, when it eats it, it just shreds itself. No, I think you're in elementary school and you pull the girls who you have a crush on, you pull her hair. Oh, so this bird's just trying to fuck this guy. Yeah, I think he's just attracted to him. I think the bird just likes you. Yeah, maybe you look like a bird yourself.

Maybe you have a beak, a long nose, or something. And feathers, and wings. Yeah, it's starting to think this whole email was written by none other than a bird. Did it specify that he was human? It says at the end, P.S., I'm a bird. So yeah, it's just bird by bird bullying, where all human kind is safe. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Next real question. Yeah. Next question. Number three. Number three. Oh, we need another Derek Jeter. Jeet. Jeet.

Was that a real one or just one that you call him? I call him the jeet. Yeah. The jeet. Right. Here's the thing. I'm currently with this very girl who's very sexual and always horny. She's perfect sexually and it is great.

Here's the problem. She doesn't like it when I jerk off a couple days before we hang out because she says she would rather do it herself and likes it better when I'm very horny. She gets very jealous if I do it and doesn't understand why I have, she gets very jealous if I do it and I don't understand why and I have confronted her about it multiple times. Every time she shrugs it off and I don't know what to do. Is this normal? Have you guys ever experienced anything like this?

Please help me out with this one. You guys are hashtag dope. We get a lot of questions about girls who are jealous of their boyfriend's masturbating. Yeah. Why is that? I guess you can't be jealous of your own self, right? Oh, is it because you're thinking of somebody else or because you're actually jealous that somebody else is jerking off your man even if it is your man?

Yeah, it's probably a little bit of both. So like, one, they're jealous that he's looking at something else to get off. Right. Like, oh, I'm going to look at this girl's tits instead of your tits. And two, maybe, this is all speculative hearsay, cockamamie, cockroach bullshit, you know? But I think it also might, maybe in her mind, like, if he masturbates, he lowers his libido, his dick won't be as big, it's hard, it won't come as much. I don't know.

I feel like I get erections that are pretty much the same size, no matter how much I jerk off. I guess there's cum less. There is a full restart, like, if you masturbate, at what point are you back to where you were if you didn't masturbate? Does it take like an hour? Does it take a day? I don't know.

This is science, man. This is beyond science. But this is science. I'm talking about college. Yeah. This is science you've been doing research for for like 20 years. Yeah. Oh, because I masturbated so much.

I mean, I think I could probably jerk off twice in back to back. You can have multiple orgasms. I don't think that it stays hard, but I think by the time that I'm going to cum, mom, turn off the podcast. I know that was late. I hope you had the wherewithal to turn it off as we started talking. I could actually edit that part. Your mom turned it off way early in the process.

Could you please? Yeah. Loops back around. I don't know. I guess it probably varies from erection to erection, but I would say that if she's upset that he jerks off a couple of days before she visits, she's going to get a good dick. Yeah, that's a full reset.

That's a very much a full reset. I would say even 24 hours is a full reset. I would say. Yeah. I mean, I think he could jerk off in the morning and see her in the afternoon. I think that's a full reset. I don't know. It depends on how much, how attracted to each other you guys are, because maybe that's

also something. His libido goes down because he's ejaculated, so he's not as randy as he would be. Randy. Because sometimes I feel pretty randy, and then I'll masturbate and I'll feel way less randy. Yeah. Like, do I make you horny, baby? Yeah.

I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. I'm riled up. I'm randy. I'm aroused. Uh-oh. I'm totally flustered. I'm thinking about books.

That's not dandy. Yeah. I'm not randy or dandy. At that point, I'm just sitting around eating candy. Are you? You actually eat a lot of candy. Too much candy, and I masturbate into the wrappers. Now that's a sweet tart.

What? I said, no, that's a sweet tart. Uh, what about the thought that when you're in a relationship, can a girl get offended that you're masturbating because you're thinking of other girls? I think that I have always thought that was a little kooky. Oh, like, that's not fair. Yeah. Like, when you're in a relationship, girls can masturbate thinking of other guys, guys

can masturbate thinking of other girls, and that doesn't affect how much you love the other person. I think so. I think that masturbating is, I mean, that's just like telling me that I can't think about anything. Yeah. Like a brain police. Yeah.

No, that's not. You can't have that. That's, um... That's a dystopian feature. That's like big brother shit. Yeah. That's Orwellian. That's an Orwellian dystopian.

That's absolutely Orwellian. It's 1984. Yeah. Meats the farm. Meats the animal house. Meats the animal house. 1969. Meats the animal house.

Meats the animal house. Meats the animal house. Meats the animal house. Meets the falcos. Meets the parents. Meets the fart cherries. Meats... The parents.

Meats the deedles. Meats the deedles. Meats the Flintstones. Meats the Jetsons. Thank you. At the end of the day, that's too much. Meats of meat... Meats of meat.

You're killing me, Meats. You're killing me, Meats. The bird question really broke down everything on this podcast. Ah. So, ah, is this normal, is this first question? I think it is it's it's not It's normal, but that doesn't make it okay I think if you're unhappy with something then you've got to discuss it

And you should try to make your point of view heard and if you feel like that She's not gonna give in and it's not a sustainable thing then you could say that and see what that takes Oh, you can play this part of the podcast where two adults are telling you that it's okay to masturbate thinking about some other stuff Oh, I guess they're right and that you'll hear us going meet some We're not gonna listen to these Children these cavemen there. They're they're they're getting off to noises different weird noises. They don't have any They don't have any effect on our lives. No, we shouldn't give them any Prudence, I don't think we deserve prudence. Yeah, we're in prudence

prudence What you come out to play? break time Didn't you say you had a story for me? Oh, yeah, I was in Vegas last weekend and I was Playing poker very nice. That's fine flop comes out nine nine the diamonds ten of that. No, just joking Yeah, it was like on board Some guy some 21 year old really nice kid awesome kid just during 21 playing poker Big fan of college humor. Oh cool. Recognize me knew about you and then I said, what do you do and he's like

I'm a tennis less. I'm a tennis instructor. I'm a student But he's also head of operations for his brother's company. I'm like, what is your brother's company? So he's like, it's better if I just show you this Instagram and the Instagram he showed me is This this is his whole company They make Warning slippery sign like warning slippery floor signs in the shape of bananas Look how many followers that Instagram account has Banana underscore products for those of you on Instagram and they want to see

1700 followers. Yeah, and all their pictures are of their product that are just warning signs for slippery floors shaped like bananas Oh my god, and he says it's a very successful business. They sell Very well, they have employees. They have a warehouse in China. They just sell a lot tens of thousands of these banana warning Four slippery signs. I'm like, how did that even start? He said because it was it had it started one night when his other brother got really drunk and came up with the idea and Then now it's a whole business. That's insane. Yeah, so if you guys want to check it out It is you can't really buy one you have to be like if anyone's a buyer at a hospital He wants to purchase 12,000 at a time

The Instagram is banana underscore products I just love stupid ideas that end up being like legitimate awesome successful businesses Yeah, like will those just sell forever? I don't know replace the other Quidado signs. Yeah, I guess I mean it is a thing It is a product. He was at a high stakes no limit table. He pushed me all in for 23 grand I'm like, holy shit. Where'd you get that cash, son? He showed me the banana Instagram and I fold it instantly. Wow banana products Not a official advertiser for the show, but I feel like they deserve to shout out

And then the best thing I was like, I was like you guys should make a green one Like that's like an unripe banana and then he showed me this photo. It already exists Head of the game one step ahead of you bloomin. That's why I'm head of operations and you're losing poker to me I don't know if he listens to the podcast, but good man. Great kid was there. I don't know. All right, very nice That's my story. Do you have a funny story for the break? Hate to put you on the spot. Oh, yeah, I Was my brother's 21st birthday this past week. Uh-huh and oh another 21 Yeah, whoa there. These are both about kids. They just turned 21. Oh, well, that's why July 13

Wow, I want I must have like registered that in my head. Yeah, he must have so for his birthday my buddy and I Decided to Fill up a watermelon with vodka. Uh-huh, so we like We're kind of drunk already and we cut three holes into a Do a giant watermelon. Is that how it works? Did you look online how it works? I probably like this you like done it before so this is based on past experience Right, but the original one hadn't worked out very well because it was only like one hole one bottle of vodka

So this time we did we tripled it up We did a big watermelon three holes three smaller bottles of vodka Yeah, and then you put them in pork them in like a pork pork demand like a syringe Yeah, left them there overnight. Oh as it trickles out slowly and gets absorbed into the fibers of the watermelon So we wake up next morning gotta go to my brother's birthday party. Where are you right now? I'm in New York and the party is in Connecticut two hours away And we just like I it hadn't occurred to me until like literally that second as we're like packing that we needed to carry the watermelon from Yeah, from Brooklyn to New Haven a hundred miles holding this bizarre heavy science project

So yeah, like a half a mile walk to the subway Holding up a watermelon. It starts. It was like super humid and literally as we left the apartment. It started raining Oh God, so it's just like it's raining. It's humid. It's hot. I'm hungover. We're late We're trying to make this train. We had two transfers. We finally got to we got to the train we lugged the watermelon all the way home and My brother hated it. Oh, he hated it He said he said it was a waste of my time a waste of my effort and more than anything a waste of my money I said Micah this cost me, you know

Eight bucks all in it had nothing to do with money It's a gesture, but he was already he had thrown it out at that point. Yeah, he said he was already eating a honeydew filled with tequila He didn't need your shit. Yeah, no, he had poured Ricin into a pineapple It's funny on the podcast that I did with Ben. We were talking about New York and I'm like when I go back to New York now I feel like it's an obstacle course and probably as I was saying that you were Running with a tin filled with watermelon on a syringe going through a subway turnstile It's true. The other athletic thing I did this weekend was go. I went spinning

Yeah We both went spinning for the first time we went spinning. Yeah It hurts. We went spinning and it feels like we're winning. Yeah, I felt like I was losing quite quite shortly afterwards Water water a lot of fluid. Yeah, I sweat I sweated so much were you you were afraid that you wouldn't like it Yeah, because I don't like when things are Loud right which is that one of the that the whole thing about spinning is that you're on a stationary Bicycle with like 20 other people in a dark room while an instructor yells at you and there's loud music right So that sounds like my worst nightmare because I like to run with like no music. Yeah, and if I'm running it all to music

it's like Folk music it's Simon and Garfunkel. It's very it's not EDM right, but this shit was Hot it was really fun. Well, I mean like the music it was cool like I Was dancing on the bike it felt like I was in a club. That's what it is It's like left right left right you have to do it to the beat, right? So it's kind of cool because it's sort of it's not it's like I wouldn't want to like loud music at the gym But you do want loud music when you go dancing and that's what it felt like I was like dancing and It's like bike dancing. Yeah, so you're you gonna go again?

I would go again, but I don't know if I would go on my own accord like it's so hard Would you take my accord? Yeah, if yeah, if you could like if we know my 94 Yeah, maybe like we uber a guy that has a horn over X. Yeah. Yeah, I would like that. Yeah, that way we could take my accord But I would do it again, but only if someone made me Like someone has to make me go to the class and then the instructor has to make me pedal Yeah, someone has to physically lift carry you like the watermelon. Yeah, ideally somebody else is doing the bike and I'm just sort of eating watermelon That way it's the best of both worlds ideally someone's biking and I'm eating watermelon ideally, but it's a good alternative to running

It gets your heart rate faster than it would because you're not gonna sprint for 45 minutes great alternative to running for sure And then you're just never gonna do it again We should we're doing like a lot of free advertising first banana products now No spinning cycle and now and also watermelon. Yeah, you're welcome. This episode is brought to you by a watermelon All right, you want to get to the last question I do I actually have five questions, so why don't you choose? You want to do a question? Oh never mind. This is the one I want. All right. You have another nickname for Derek Tudor Did we do Captain Clutch? I think I just said the captain

We do we could do Captain Clutch for sure Captain Clutch writes Hey guys, I've emailed in a few times before but I think this is my stickiest situation I'll cut to the chase. I haven't fucked a girl in three years I was doing some browsing on reddit and I saw someone talk about flush lights and my curiosity was peaked I've been looking at the flush lights for the past week now And I'm wondering which one I should get or if I should even get one at all Would I be a fucking loser if I did would it be the right thing? This part is for Jake. Who should I get? I like Lisa Ann and Kristie Mack. Thanks for your advice

Captain Clutch Alright Very Todah Episode 90 first question about flesh lights first of all is it possible that some people don't know what flesh lights are and we should explain? I think Probably not likely, but I'd like to hear you explain what a flesh light is regardless. Okay, so imagine a cylinder Sort of like a let's say a coke bottle a plastic coke bottle a flashlight. Yeah I've been drinking the wrong soda for a year

All right, imagine if you're holding a but like a magnum flashlight a big flashlight, right? But instead ultra-magnum coke bottle. Yeah or two liter sliced open at the top But instead of a light at the top what it is is a sponge shaped like a vagina or any whole Reese really and the goal is to have a tight little Opening for you to fuck and then your cum gets The receptacle where you're holding the flash flash flashlight is where the semen goes. Yeah It's flesh light a a brand like I think it is so it's a specific so we're talking about like somebody that started a weird company that was wildly successful. I

Bet they also haven't shaped like bananas. They are This is the fourth product for advertising today. All right flesh lights So then but it's weird a flesh light probably could be an advertiser on our show, right? I bet we could court them All right, let's put a pin in that all right put a pin that's shaped like a vagina in that So We are called shimmer got a shipment of flesh lights went in 2007. Yeah And there was I did you did you take one home? I did not Okay, I had a lady friend at the time and I felt

Like that would be weird, right? I didn't take one home either mom turn off the podcast So I took one home so I took home 12 and And They it was it was kind of awesome. It felt really good. It didn't necessarily feel like It still felt like masturbating. It didn't feel like I was having sex, but it felt better It felt really good to come in it So are you stroking it up and down with your hand? Are you putting it in? Yeah couch cushions and fucking it?

I don't know. I think I'm sure everybody does it differently. I just held it and masturbated with it and and The one downside was that it was well a couple. It was a little heavy After the fact no, it's just I filled it up that much pound and a half It's like normally you're masturbating. You're just it's the lotion going up and down your dick And this is like you're you're shaking a flat. It's a shake weight. You're just Lifting a flash way light up and down. Yeah, but it did it felt really good Um, did it feel like a vagina? It didn't necessarily feel like a vagina

Did it feel soft and fuzzy like the thing that's on our microphones? No, no, it felt It felt like you were fucking a Jarful of petroleum jelly. Oh really tighter. Yeah, it felt it was like they feel like loose turkey meat No felt tight tighter than turkey meat like deli thin sliced. What do you I can't a bowl of turkey meat Of course, it was tighter than a loose bowl of turkey meat Of course, of course, of course, imagine Jell-O. Okay But I've never fucked Jell-O Fucked a loose bowl of turkey meat. What a bowl of loose turkey meat. You fuck that. I'm not talking about like you're like ground turkey

Talking about like deli thin sliced You're talking about fucking it. Yeah, okay The sad thing with the flashlight low sodium. Yeah. Oh, where were you gonna say? You're putting turkey down your pants right now. I can't wait. I have an Oscar Meyer wiener Where are you saying the sad part is Oscar Meyer wiener, that's good. I liked that. Yeah, the sad part is Cleaning it. Yeah, when you masturbate With like paper towel or a sock or a rag. It's like whatever. It's in the laundry. It's down the toilet It doesn't matter. I don't think about it. I never masturbated that never happened

But this thing you like come and you're like, huh All right It's almost like having real sex with someone where you Like you are in the moment you come and you're like, oh my god We have to clean ourselves. Yeah, can I get you a weight a wet paper towel now? This isn't sexy anymore It's logistical, but it does I Think it feels really good my advice to this guy is

Get it in addition to having sex This isn't gonna be the band-aid that cures all that like fixes you're not have fixes your dry spell You're still gonna want to have sex, but it's probably worth checking out if you're curious It's not gross is it or like it's not well first of all, you don't have to tell anybody. Yeah, I don't think it's sad I don't think it's pathetic. I think it's people get lots of different shit to masturbate with Yeah, it's good vibrators dildos guys get vibrators. That's a good. That's a good thing Girls that girls get vibrators guys can get their little aids guys get it's two guys looking They can get dildos everybody can get dildos. I shouldn't say AIDS and

Yeah, girls get dildos guy get guys get AIDS. I'm a bad sex counselor So we're here to tell you that Fleshlight salesman. Don't worry guys can have AIDS too I Hit his last question for you Who should he get Lisa Ann or Christy Mack? I don't think that really matters I guess I would get Christy Mack cuz I think she's otter Does it help? I

Remember when we got ours like some were Anuses somewhere lips somewhere vaginas somewhere coin slots non-descript Nothing, and I mean that way it feels like you're fucking a slot machine. It's all putting your dick in something warm Wet and really really tight. It's warm and wet. How does it do you look supposed to soak it? It comes with lube. So you you put lube on your penis. Oh, and then put you put that thing around your penis Oh, interesting. It's sort of like, you know, maybe it's more like dr. Shoals You imagine a really tightly rolled up dr. Shoals like an insult. Yeah, like it's like gel Yeah, so it is kind of like fucking that loose turkey meat because that's what I imagine it

It's like you imagine turkey meat feels like gel. Yeah, like a little a little bouncy Your analogies are off today You described a flashlight that looked like a Coca-Cola bottle and Gel that feels like turkey meat I feel like if I put turkey meat in your foot in your shoe that would be close to it It's a good if you need dr. Shoals insert in the pinch And you should know about the pinch the pinch in a pinch. You should use your after this Let's go to our let's go to our meat drawer and masturbate with turkey. I want you to throw it all away. Let's do it

All right, that's it. That's our time get the flashlight. No big deal and Lisa and I guess or you said Kristie Mack I Said Kristie Mack and Kristie Mack if you're listening Toda Don't hot to you and yours The email address again if you have your own problems is if I were you show at gmail.com I just realized we didn't explain what the show is in this episode. We'd oh, yeah, right We didn't we just had the only advice podcast on the internet. Hmm Maybe this is the time we start phasing it out

Though that being said if you're still curious as to what the hell that was we get emails from people who are Advice I mean, I guess we don't say like we had emails. No, we should probably say it So if you have your own problem and you want to email us It's if I were you show at gmail.com if you have your own theme song We still start and end every episode with a custom theme song Written for us by our talented fans. The first one was by Chase and Tanvi two people and this last one is by someone named Harris so thanks guys. We'll be back next Monday and Yeah, that's it later

Chicken a mirror of a podcast show They do sense They like to break up relationships and look at problems through the humorous lens Jake's a monster is good in a pinch. I'm is the robot was very things They protect your anonymity And they'll get you out of a cinch if I were you I wouldn't be a jerk I would kill myself in a coffee shop If I were you I would read a book and try to learn a silver lining

Hey, what's going on? I'm Brody Jenner. I am Dr. Mike Dow We are inviting you guys to come check us out. It's the Brody Jenner podcast with Dr. Mike Dow It is a fresh take on life's biggest dilemma love you got Dr. Mike Dow is a couples therapist You got me. I'm not the best, but I do pretty good job We'll have a different celebrity guest each week joining the conversation with us We are serving nothing but love and relationships on the Brody Jenner podcast go download it every Thursday at podcast one Com that is podcast Com