If I Were You - 90: Random State of Mind

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

In this episode play a few games and stroll down the memory lane of various states.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet, but then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts won't last it's effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Seconds Another podcast

Each app different from the last It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows Meet you two pathetic hosts Let's get started You air-homped so much I'm really, really certain you finished It's uncouth

There is no video There is no evidence that I was air-humping or dancing or gyrating or doing any type of offensive motions. Let's just ease into the show. You're glowing. You have post-nut clarity for the first time in a year. I just partook a dry July. And now it's time for smoggest. That was close.

Actually, there's a Nadpod bit where our character. were doing a dry July, and Caldwell, I believe, coined the term Hoggist. That's good. That's why that show is so much more popular than this one. Yeah, I guess, sure. It's one of the reasons. The Hoggist versus Smogist difference. Yeah, because what is Smogis, really?

Yeah, it's a nothing burger. And Hoggist is a... I gave you a layup. And I blew it at the rim. Okay, sorry I'm chewing on One of my molars broke So I'm just chewing on the debris for now

Yeah, that's a bummer I see it Are you sure it's a molar? Because your front tooth teeth are missing No, those were my adult teeth That went away in a Tooth fairy scheme That didn't end up paying on

I have wisdom teeth and dunce teeth That's these other ones that grow in In an even dumber spot under my tongue I have one thick tooth under my tongue I have a narwhal fucking tooth how bad is that for my hinge bio I have a wall of enamel

from my right gum to my left just like a thick white slit I can use it to chop actually I'm going to be calling this month chaggist for choppy August That's not bad

That was that That's not bad That's why this show has Staying power Well actually this is like The third to last episode Oh yeah We are ending the podcast

I was I woke up and I was like Was that a fever dream Are we really ending the show Or is it like Yeah But not for another month I think September 15th

Is the last one So we still got some time Yeah So you can still If you were gonna miss our voice Subscribe to our Patreon actually Yeah And we can't

We can't give up right now Like we're on mile 19 of a marathon like it's it's too early to start walking yeah but one of us could faint and you would carry me across the finish line yeah and I might stop to take a piss or a shit and then it's like it's a really really hot yeah if we were running a marathon together and I fainted how close to the finish line would we have to be for you to like kind of try to pick me up and help me across is there a distance maybe like a hundred yards anything after that you'll

be too heavy and honestly I wouldn't necessarily like that would almost be mean if you fainted and woke up and the race was over you might be even yeah I fainted less than half marathon I fainted at mile 11 like I dragged you the next 15.2 miles my skin is just gone from my legs nobody stopped you they thought it was endearing I think we should do a fake viral video where you and I run a marathon and then I faint just before the finish line and then you kind of you pick me up and are dragging me over but it's so exhausting for you that then you faint and then me having been held for a hundred yards

I'm able to stand up and I look at your body and I just sprint ahead and finish celebrating and then you go back to me and do the suck it over my life like body rub it in your eye one motherfucker or oh oh that's the kind of shit we're going to have time for now that we don't have to podcast as much we're not going to replicate a dummy marathon i don't think right but we could yeah we could write it we could write it yeah we could write it yeah we could write it let your

imagination decide what it looks like uh okay since we're saying goodbye i thought it only made sense to play a game of sorts with our old friend the game boy indeed i'm wearing a hat this time oh did you say game yeah well i said game boy specifically i'm coming oh nuts and bolts coming out of your metallic mound uh okay this might be the hardest version of game boy we've ever played because we're not searching, you know, a few thousand emails. We're searching every eye message sent and received for the last decade. That's right. It's got to be hundreds of thousands at this point.

Ten years of text. Every single group chat, every single text that we've ever received or sent is archived in our computer, which seems kind of dangerous, but at the same time, I don't want to delete them all either. Right, exactly. every single spam text everything that has a stop to end but then seemingly doesn't actually do that for you exactly

you can search on iMessages which is kind of convenient for like the last day or two but sometimes I search like you know Yom Kippur I'm like holy shit 2016 plans with somebody I don't speak to anymore this is pretty intense so I thought why don't we play the Game Boy where we try to search a word that's only come up once in a text message history, an intergalactic hole in one, and we'll call it a golden win if that one text is between me and you.

Wow. Okay. Yes. So we can win with just one result and we can golden win if that one word that's ever been sent between the two of us was actually a singular word that no. nobody else is ever sent to anybody else in our phone book one word imagine one word so rare it only appears one time it's only ever been typed once or sent to you once is that possible search can tankerous in your eye message can tankerous nothing zero times even if you hit see more let's see well how do I spell can'tankerous but do I spell it right C-A-N-T-A-N-K-E-R-O-U-S

Yeah. Can tancorous? No. I like this us theory, though. Why don't you search fractious? How do you spell it? F-R-A-C-T-I-O-U-S. Fractious. Okay, I've never heard that word, and I'm glad that nobody's ever sent it to me either. So that's a zero. Okay. It's a nothing burger.

It's a nothing burger, and I'm searching for a something sandwich. So why don't you search the word? word, hippopotamus. Okay, I would make sure that I spell it correctly. Why? I spelled it, I sent it only once, but I spelled it wrong. Doesn't count, not a golden win. Wow.

You have one. What? A single? That's right. And it is not a golden win, but it is a win. Who sent you the word hippopotamus? My friend, Steve. who you met my old roommate from when I dropped out of college in New Haven, my high school buddy,

something that we used to listen to around Christmas time was a song called I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. And in Christmas, 2016, I guess he sent it to me as kind of a nostalgic goof. So it is just a YouTube link of Gala Peevy's song, I Want a Hiby's song. hippopotamus for Christmas. Wow. This game is over. I don't want to play anymore. Well, you can still...

I could still golden win. That's not going to happen. I'm not going to golden win. It's possible. Search pussy. Jesus. Obviously thousands. Thousands.

So many. I'm scrolling. 2015, 2018. It's awesome. Yeah, I use that word a lot. Okay. Let's see if any... If let's see if...

few have ever sent it to me. No, no, let's not play anymore. All right, here's my... Wow. These are really offensive. One second. One second. All right, let's search Scandinavia. Not Scandinavian, but Scandinavia. Yeah. One. Oh, no, it's Scandinavian, but I'll give it to you. Okay. Is it from me to you? It's located within the word. No, it's from Billy. Still laughing over Corvetti's speech, calling you Scandinavian. I guess at his wedding, one of his friends made a speech and he called me Scandinavian. That's really funny. That is really funny. Okay. So we are... It's tied one. It's tied. Give me another one. Try to go for that golden win. Frenching. French I-N-G.

Oh my God. It's a golden win. Are you serious? Yeah. It's only been sent once. It is once from, from you to me, or no, wait, from me to you. It looks like, when was this? May 24th. All right. It's a text message thread with me, you, and Ben.

Okay. It's when it was called, it's called, I believe that our text message thread is now called the Farty Boys. Yeah. It's on a text message thread with just us two called the Meatball Boys. Oh, you know what? I see this too. But I've used the word Frenching more since then. But it's interesting that you've not ever.

Okay. It's a selfie, Ben texts a selfie that he's going to Prague. And then... Okay. This is 10 years ago. Yeah, 10 years ago. I respond with the selfie of me and Jill at a wedding. It looks like it's Nick Rad's wedding.

And then you respond with a photo of you and John Carlo Our old editor and John Graham's friend And then you with the caption, having fun around the globe Ben said everyone is brought together by technology And I say John Carlo is crying And then you say or then Ben says where are you a mirror And then you say party at my buddy Justin's And then I say

And for no I guess I'm drunk at this point Because I look drunk In the photo that I sent you But I respond Pick of you kissing John Carlo And then you reply Frenching grim

So not only did I use the word Frenching only once But it's also me French and grim Who's editing this podcast That's a platinum win That's incredible It is all It's everything together

Also kind of insane nobody has ever said frenching to you since and you've never texted frenching to anyone ever yeah that's that's crazy i can't believe i never said the word frenching i guess you don't call it frenching anymore i'll see if i have making out hmm yeah i definitely say making out a lot a lot yeah well i think it's including making and out yeah yeah yeah yeah okay not really a quote yeah but that's a platinum win that is a platinum gold win congratulations you want to give me you want to give one more shot to see if you can match it. Fragrance.

One, two, three, four, five, six, six texts. Okay. Seeing if there's any funny ones, mostly an Instagram account called Jeremy Fragrance. A Wikipedia page where somebody made a fragrance. Let me change one letter. Okay. Two letters, actually. And we'll go fragrant.

Fragrant. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. fragrant it was a win not a golden win wow wow who is it too yeah uh it was from avital to me it was like a copy and paste of somebody posting on

Instagram something about let me let me change one more word what about fragment the revolution may not be televised but it will be fragrant is what you texted me that's good fragment fragment one two three four five six Okay. One of them is from me to you a year ago.

Really? It's when we were talking about cracking eggs. Oh, nice. Yeah, and I said, curious about the shell fragments in the omelette, and you said, none, and there will not be another conversation. That's enough. We were done speaking on this. Are you, because I was, I was asking if you were cracking eggs in the, in the pan itself. Are you still using that technique?

Oh, where I dropped the egg in the pan? Yeah. No, I'm not. I, but I crack it, I crack the egg on the counter. Yeah, I still don't understand that because doesn't that get egg everywhere? It's, I mean, I think you're always, you get egg everywhere when you crack it on the side of the pan, too. Correct. That's why I crack it in the pan.

That way, getting egg everywhere. Everywhere is getting egg in the pan. Oh, right, right, right. No, that's, I think that's pretty smart, but I, when I cook eggs, I'm providing for my family. I don't ever cook, you're a selfish person. You cook, what, like one or two eggs for you or whatever. I'm cooking. I microwave one egg a day, and I have half of it and throw the second half away.

You're only ever thinking about you. I make, when I make eggs, I make six to seven eggs. I have to. Seven. Yes. That's too many. No, it's not because it's half a dozen every time. Yes, it's three for me.

It's a seven egg omelet. It's two for Jill, is one for Gemma or three, two, and two. And how do you possibly keep track of the ratio when you're making it for three people? I really don't. I let Gemma. I let Gemma and Jill eat as much as they want, and then I house whatever is left. Not every day, but when I'm, when we're egging, yes. And I can't cook all of those in the pan.

I have to crack them all on the counter. Mix them into a dish, mix it. Mix it. Yeah, that's right. Then you mix some sort of like really uniformly yellow. Yellow. Yeah. And then we have a big.

Is it an omelet or scramble? It's a scramble. It's a scramble. Nonstick pan or are you seeing? It's a, it's not a nonstick. It's not that like teflon. Cast iron. It's not a cast iron.

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, um, it's, um, it's, um, it's, um, it's, um, your lies are catching up with you. No, it's one of, it's one of, it's one of those like caraway pans. It's like rubber, spatula, wooden. No, it's just like metal. Or using a fork and grading the bottom. You can't be using metal on metal. You can't be scrambling the egg with a metal. Oh, it's ceramic.

It's a ceramic pan. It's a ceramic pan. Let's take a break. Yeah, let's take a break. Because we both really need it. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yes, thank you, better help. You know, these are anxious, stress.

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of expertise. Yep. And right now our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash segments. Segments, folks. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash segments. Mm-hmm. Thank you. BetterHelp. Thanks. Losers Welcome back everybody It's actually a stainless steel pan That's what I'm using I believe it's a stainless steel pan

Next segment I think Let's keep on thinking about this Eggwise We played a segment On our Patreon last week Where we randomly generate a state And we have to tell a story From our lives

From that state That's right And we said, why don't we shift this over to the main podcast for a second? We thought it was so good, so fun, that we could take it on Maine. And then we can almost come up with a Maine-related story if the actual random state-generator should land on Maine. But for now... Well, it didn't. It landed on Oregon.

Wow, a lot of Oregon stories. first one that comes to mind was a show we did it was me you and marty was sort of organizing or helping us out as the salesperson or maybe manager or some sort of touring help and I remember being so hung over the next day that we went to go to like a diner or a restaurant that he recommended and I felt so sick that after the food came the smell of it was so nauseating to me

that I walked back to the hotel and you guys were just left with all my food in the restaurant. That's right. True or false. Yes, I do remember that. You were so hung over that you had to go home. Yeah, and then did you guys break?

I feel like I have a recollection of you bringing me soup from that restaurant. I'm like, I can't eat anything. I need to throw up. We might have tried to get you something. I can't quite remember it either, but it was, I thought that you got soup and we just, like, bagged it up and we brought it home for you. Maybe I got soup because I thought it would help my hangover, yeah.

Yeah, and then you're like, and you love soup. Yeah, and then you brought it to me. I'm like, I can't smell, so it's sort of thoughtful, but also kind of like a dick move. I had to leave the restaurant because I couldn't smell food. You guys brought the food to me. We thought you'd want it later. Yeah, after I beat, of course. And then I remember, we had like a show in Seattle the next day, and I thought,

felt so ill on the drive from Portland to Seattle. But as life seems to happen, after a few hours of drinking, resting, throwing up maybe, you just feel back to normal. And you're like, all right, I guess I'm okay again. I'll drink tonight. Time to keep drinking. Yeah. I'm not sick anymore. So I've learned no lesson at all.

Yeah. I feel like I remember this tour. Was it the Where the Miller's Tour? Oh, was it? That's why we had even less to do. It was like Portland, Seattle. Although we did Seattle then Portland for that one. Maybe it was a different one.

Oh, yeah. We did, for that one, I thought we did Seattle. Do we do Seattle, Portland, and then Sandy. Oh, then L.A. and then San Diego. Yeah, I thought we went down. We did. Maybe we did Portland first. We might have flown into Portland and then Seattle.

I'm not entirely sure. But I remember, at the very least, I remember that where the Millers tour, where our entire job was to just introduce the movie Where the Millers. Yeah, we had very little to do. Didn't have to perform at all. Yeah. And because I think this was also the beginning of basically when we were working at college humor and they were just selling things around us, they would like try to make us do things and then and like, you know, save as much money as possible. But this was when we had friends on the sales team because Marty was our buddy and he wanted to party also.

So he came with us. I'll go and make sure the clients are happy. Yeah. So he's like traveling with the sales budget. not the comedy budget. So we were like staying. This is like the first time I'd ever stayed in W hotels. I think for a long time I was like,

oh my God, the W is the most luxurious place in the world. It's too fancy. Yeah. We were used to like sharing rooms at like the days in or the Hyatt or whatever. But with Marty we were staying in nice hotels. We all had our own rooms and we're like going out to dinner. We should have never left IAC.

The bankroll was unlimited until the entire. until the entire thing ran out of money and then they had to fold everything and sell it to Sam. They had a great thing going. They had a perfect game going and we blew it. Are there any non-Portland Oregon stories? I feel like that's the only Oregon I know. My other Portland story is that Marty convinced me and my brother to go with him to this electronic music festival called What the Fest? Oh, yeah.

In the middle of nowhere? Yeah, it's in the middle of nowhere in Oregon. And we like drove his dad's Westphalia and he pitched it to me as like the best music you've ever heard. People like dancing in a giant pool is the middle of the summer. It sounded awesome. We got there and it was like 60 degrees in raining for three days. And the music, he said, I don't know why. this happened but he was like this is so much different that it was last year it wasn't like

electronic dance music that I knew it was like this weird kind of like all noise music that like even no matter how much drugs I did I couldn't get into you realize how bad the weather and music has to be for MDMA to have no effect yeah and nobody else seemed to like it either the we were in this, like, giant football field-sized, like, pool of, like, knee-deep water where everybody was, like, dance, supposed to be dancing in the sunshine, but we're all huddled together wearing, like, board shorts and rain jackets. Everybody is so cold, and no one, no one's dancing. Did you complain while it was happening?

Or did you sort of bite your tongue? Because you felt bad, yeah. I think all of us knew that it kind, that it was, like, underwhelming, but nobody was going to be like, this isn't as fun or we should leave early. Everyone is just making the best of it. But at one point, some band started playing that, what's that song? You don't want no problem, want no problem with me. Yeah.

Who's that, is that rapper? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It's, God damn, I have to look it up. This is the third thing you looked up. The answer to all three have been stainless steel. Grim's going to edit it down. it was that you don't want no problem song by chance the rapper and it was like people sprinted

towards this stage they were so happy to hear music yeah that they recognized and it had like words and a beat you could dance to and we danced for like 45 seconds and then and then it kind of like faded out into this weird like trumpet thing it was like a remix and I just, like, was so disheartened. You think they'd get a hint, be like, see how happy everyone was to hear a song? Yeah, no. Versus a beat. Not so much.

And then I also remember really vividly, like, coming back and going to his house in Portland. And we watched that, like, Mark Wahlberg movie about the Boston Marathon Bomber. And it was the highlights of the trip. It was just so happy to, like, sleep on a fold-out couch instead of a van. It was such an upgrade. Stead on top of a fan. All right, good tale. Let's pick another random state.

Ooh, I have Colorado. Nice. Really nice. Yeah. We did a show in Denver once, but I don't know if it stood out in any specific way. I've done a few shows in Denver. All great. Denver is a great crowd.

We did that show in Denver. Yeah. Where it was like in the basement of some random comedy place. Comedy Works, I think. I remember having that shirt, Comedy Works, Denver. Yeah. But I also went on a road trip with my sister, Sarah, when I moved from L.A. to New York in the summer of 2012, I think it was.

And we stopped in Denver. We stopped in Colorado. I think we spent the night at the Boulderado Hotel in Boulder, which is awesome. And then we went to this awesome swimming hole in the middle of nowhere. I'm going to see if I can find it. Let me guess.

You have to look it up. Well, I have to recommend it. Search swimming Colorado of 48,000 results. Each lake's smaller and more beautiful than the last. Well, the good news is that it's on my Instagram, and I don't post that often, so I can scroll to find it pretty easily. Because this picture is only from nine years ago, and you only post three times a year. Exactly.

So if you just scoot down, you could probably find it. Yeah, but when I was single, I was definitely posting more, because I was trying to, like, get those thirst traps going. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah. You're saying a picture of you and your baby isn't like a good thirst trap picture. these days. Me being a good dad.

Wow, it's really interesting going back to my Instagram. I'm looking at a photo of me leaving Burning Man. Do you post pictures of your child or do you do the thing where you cover their face with an emoji?

I don't really do either. I think I wouldn't cover her face with an emoji because she's out there in the world but I don't really post anything on Instagram. So I tend not to post her. Yeah.

And I wouldn't like go out of my way to post her face. If there's like a really cute moment though I wouldn't be afraid and you wouldn't go friends only for the story you'll go Maine I think the fear is that like people can take the picture

and do nefarious things with it yeah I mean I just think if if that's that's good that can happen at any point right so you're going to lean into it I'm not going to lean into it I'm just not going to live my life in fear yeah exactly

I'm so close to this fucking photo now it's It's incredible. It's insane how close you are. I am at the road trip right now. I'm on the road trip. I am there. I am absolutely there.

And it's in Washington. And I actually knew this name. Damn, I should have fucking said it. El Dorado Springs, everybody. El Dorado Springs. Okay. You jump in. The water is cold, but ultimately fine.

Well, no, it's a swimming pool. But I think it's a naturally fed swimming pool or, or it's, It's just a straight up pool near a hot spring or something. But it's really pretty. That's nice. All right. Choose another state. I got nothing for Colorado, but not in a bad way.

It was just nice. Okay. Let's see what we've got. Okay. Hard for me to get out of Oregon. Oh, there we go. Virginia. Whoa.

Virginia. That reminds me of one of our first shows, I think. If not our first, the one at UVA, where they, We're telling us how on campus every once in a while, or it's considered maybe part of the initiation of the school is that you have to run the quad naked. Yeah, you've got to streak the quad. It was, it's something, maybe before you graduate.

Yeah, that was it. It was, you're supposed to do it before you graduate. And we were there just before graduation. It was like May or, it was like May of that year. so I yeah we went we did our show and then I think people that were like in the Virginia like UVA comedy club invited us to like a house party their dorms are so nice it's they have these like ground level dorms on this amazing quad yeah and we were in there I'm like oh I should have gone to school here yeah this is this is awesome this is way nicer than Hunter and we were sitting there partying and we every once in a while we'd like look up and there would just be a naked person running past the window. That's what it was. So we would see naked people.

Yeah, they were like buzzing by the door every like half hour. That's awesome. It was savage. It was a great way to tell time. Then there's also the story about us going to James Madison and that's how John Carlo met his wife. Oh, yeah. That was also in Virginia. Yeah.

Yeah. That was the Ford Fiesta road trip. Yeah, that was Virginia as well. Yeah. Which I think we've talked. about on the podcast before, maybe it was Patreon because we were watching the Fiesta Road Trip videos. But the, we like juiced the numbers. I think the plan was the, the idea of the videos was like, we're going to go wherever anybody, everyone votes. So it'd be like,

vote for our next stop. And we would just like, we see, oh, somebody said UNC. We knew one person was going to say UNC. And then we're like people like UNC. And then people would comment on that. And we'd like, all right, we're going to UNC. Yeah. And I think. I think we had told the College Humor sales team that it was going to be like UVA, Chapel Hill, and Virginia Tech or something like that, like on the way back. Yeah. And then maybe Philadelphia. But Jeff Rosenberg was driving the car and his brother was at JMU. So we were like, let's, let's pivot.

And we went to JMU. And then I bought a keg with the money that we were supposed to use for hotels. and we had a keg party at Dave's frat house. And that's where you meet your future wife, people. Amazing. It's all about the frat parties. That's why I attended frat parties well into my late 30s.

Just hoping to God to meet somebody, anybody. You borderline did. Yes, exactly. And then at a certain point, you start aging out of them around 40, 42, 45. earlier than that for sure what's this uncle doing here whose dad is

this are you a cop etc fun uncle funcle becomes weird uncle funcle becomes one uncle real fast real fucking fast any other Virginia tales I mean those are the tops

those are the tops yeah it's going to be hard to beat that yeah let's save some states for more rainy days but those were three good ones you know it except for fucking Colorado El Dorado Springs folks Milk toast as I mean just the outline of that state

Just shows you what a fucking baked tofu Nothing it is Really nice state though And we have returned Yeah Okay Remember the year 2000 Sure

When the most popular Reality and game show was Survivor and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Yes. This was before every show was reality and every other show was a game show. Families crowded around the fucking living room

watching who wants to be a millionaire. Yeah. Seeing if someone became a millionaire. I want to be a phone a friend. I want to be someone's lifeline. So fucking bad. And then I remember the guy who ended up winning and the first time he won.

He used the phone or fred to call his dad, not that he had a question, but to tell him he's about to win a million dollars. Yeah, he lived down the street for me. Is that true? Yeah. He's from Hampton, Connecticut. Do you remember his name? No. Jesus.

John Carpenter. There you go. Jesus Christ. Did you see him after that? I don't think I personally saw him, but I know he, like, went around to, like, some of the schools locally and, like, did some kind of like, yeah, like Q&A's type thing. Media tour. Yeah. Do you remember what question he had?

No, I don't. So I found a website that does every million dollar question on who wants to be a millionaire. That one happened in 1999. The rest of them happened in 2000 or later. So these are multiple choice questions. Let's see if you can get them right. But here's the wrinkle. If you get it right, I'll give you a million dollars.

But if you get the done. The dummy answer that I've inserted, you owe me a million. Okay. So two are just from the game. We'll call it neutral. One is the correct answer and one is the dummy answer that I've put in there to cool you. I'm going to get the dummy answer so often. You're really good at needling me.

And a lot of these, they say like what they answered or if they got it right or wrong. The vast majority people just didn't want to risk it and they took the half a million. Wow. All right. But some of them did. get it correctly, including we'll start with your fucking neighbor, John Carpenter.

Which one of these U.S. presidents appeared on the television series Laugh-in? This is familiar. Yeah. So, we'll give you A, Lyndon Johnson, B, Richard Nixon, C. Jimmy Carter, or D.

Ronald Reagan. Okay. It's called Laugh-in? Yeah, and you can phone a friend if this guy's in your fucking phone book or something. I'm going to, can I call my dad? You can call. Can I eliminate two answers? Yeah.

You can't use any other lifeline except for calling your dad. Okay, wait. Give me those answers one more time. Unfortunately, ranker rules do apply. No. And I can't. If it were who wants to be a millionaire, I'd get to look at them. Of course, Regis was absolutely willing and able to answer the questions again and again.

So, Philbin was the man. Regis. So which one of these U.S. presidents appeared in the lab series, laughing. Linden Johnson, Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, or Ronald Reagan. I guess the answer you would think is Ronald Reagan because you knew that he was an actor. Who wants to be a millionaire? The Regis suits. They were so popular. The kind of monochrome. Yeah, the monochrome suit with like. I wore those. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like at College Humor Affairs in the like 2005 to 2008 range I wear a regis suit yeah it's got like a little bit like a sheen to it there's a sparkle

yeah there's a dazzle a shiny a shiny tie big philbin energy um I'll just I for some reason I feel like it was Lyndon B Johnson Lyndon B Johnson final answer do do do do do do unfortunately or fortunately you got it wrong but it wasn't mine okay it wasn't mine the correct answer was Nixon and I put, I guessed Reagan, hoping that you would put that in there. Yeah, yeah, okay. So I at least sniffed out the trap. That's right. Okay.

So we'll call that one neutral. Was Nixon, was that B? Was it answer B? Yes. Maybe that's why I remember it. B. So I thought it was Lyndon B Johnson, but it was actually just B. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, that's probably why you thought B. But yeah, he called his dad. He's like, I don't have to ask you anything. I just want to let you know I'm about to win a million dollars on TV. fucking mic drop moment never been a cooler dude than that guy no wonder he went for school to school that is so balzy

that is so balzy you like it's a million yeah you might as well just use all the life lines he had all three left because he had gotten every single one correctly what a fucking victory lap what do you go down to if you if you shoot for a million and don't get it what's like I think it's half a million oh it's wait no good oh that's if you take the money

I think you go all the way back to like 64 thousand or something. Oh, my God. You got to be real sure. Yeah. Okay. The Earth is approximately how many miles away from the sun? A, 9.3 million. B. 9.3 million what? Miles. Okay. Say that. The Earth is approximately how many miles? You yelling at Regis. A, 9.3 million. B. 3.9 million. C. 93 million, or D, 39 million?

I think it's the furthest one, because I think it's something like, it's like 9.3 light years away or something. I think it's insanely far away. So if we're just talking miles, not light years, I'm just going to go the furthest fucking possible. 93 million. Final answer. Unfortunately, you are correct because your light year thing was way. off. Your logic was not good, but it did land you in the right answer. So I can't be grudget it. You win a million dollars. What's wrong about my light year thing? That one was

actually answered on my birthday, January 18, 2000. And he answered correctly. I think a light year is like hundreds of millions of miles. It's how far light travels in a year. Okay, cool. Yeah. So 93 million is like how many light years? is the earth from the sun. The complete answer is it takes eight minutes from sunlight to reach Earth. So, yeah, really, really short brush. So I was super wrong, but it was super right, ultimately. Yeah, my fake answer should have just been 900 million miles, and you would have guessed it.

Yeah, probably. Okay, here's another one, just so I can try to get my money back. Yeah, do you want to double or nothing? Yeah, what country are all U.S. Major League Baseball is currently manufactured? Keep in mind, this was 2000, so it might have changed. A, Panama, B, Costa Rica, C, Dominican Republic, or D, Haiti? Hmm. I think it's Panama, but I'm not 100% confident, so I think I'm going to lock in the

500,000. Fine. I guess I didn't I didn't fucking say that you couldn't do that. So I'll send you 1.5 million. That's perfect. Instead of you guessing what could be the correct answer.

Was it Panama? Is that your answer? You're really to lock it in? I'm walking. And now you'll reveal it in. No, you have to answer. For the sake of this game, you have to answer one of them. Panama final answer. That was mine. You fucking. idiot.

No. The correct answer was Costa Rica, obviously. Panama? Yeah. They're not going to make a baseball. It seems like an industrial hub with their canal and all that. They're not going to make a baseball, of course not. Okay, ready?

Yeah. One last one. Yep. Who was the first NFL player to answer, I'm going to Disneyland in the popular series of TV ads? Mm-hmm. A. Steve Young. Mm-mm.

B. Marcus Allen. C. Phil Sims or D. Joe Montana? Phil Sims, New York Giants quarterback. You're sure? What made you even consider that one? Not that you've locked it in yet, but I'm curious why that one stood out. Because I didn't think it was Joe Montana or Steve Young.

And I didn't know the middle two guys. What was the other guy? Marcus Allen Sims final answer That is correct Wow New York Giants quarterback Phil Sims

Damn Good for me Is the first person to say I'm going to Disneyland You fucking won a mill I totally guess You absolutely won a mill Absolutely guess

One last one too For all the marble I thought you said No you said this was the last one And now that I have a million dollars You're trying to erase my fucking winnings yeah yeah you said this was the last one you were like this is the last one and then I got it now you said one last one no I'm walking I have a million fucking bucks holy shit you sue me

oh my god the judge sides with me listens to the podcast I'm ruined everyone's cracking up in the courtroom are you sure you don't want to keep going this is cold this is a really good The jury asked to play Ha'un again. It has nothing to do with the case. They just really like that one. All right, fine. They love Ha'O'N. You win a million dollars.

Are you happy? Yeah, I am. You can ask the audience what the last question is if you want. Okay. Which insect shorted out an early supercomputer and inspired the term computer bug? A, moth. B, roach. C, flee.

Or D, Japanese beetle. well the audience is going to guess not me if i were playing i would have guessed moth if i were playing but you're not playing i'm not playing you're not making that guess no for two bell i'm happy with million that's going to take me a long way potentially hypothetical you don't want to just because it could be right and then you could look like a fucking genius and there's no real risk if you think about it so you You almost wanted to lock in Moth. You owe me a million dollars.

I would have, I would have guessed Moth, but I'm not playing. I am happy with a million dollars. My wife would kill me if I left here without this mill. All right. Fine. Congrats. We'll let the audience play. I'm curious what they say.

Yeah. But I guess we'll never know because who's to say what the right answer was. You can tell everyone what the right answer was. I walked away. You owe me a million dollars. it was yours moth was your final i'm not playing

moth is probably yours that's why you're trying so hard for me to guess that is what i did last time and you did lock it in and you didn't lose yeah i'm not playing i texted you the right answer that uh that sucks to see that sucks to see

Of course it was Moth I could have been a two millionaire So fucking bad All right Good work Good job You're a millionaire

Thanks dude Ultimately That's two from Hamden Respect Okay For more bonus segment action You can check out our Patreon We're also watching

Jake and hear videos there Patreon.com slash JA And thanks to you guys for listening We'll be back next week Bye everybody Bye. That was a headgum original.

Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I have a new podcast on HeadGum called Next We Have. Now, this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge, Yelp reviews for callers. who had bad experiences with a business.

The Do Boys play a game called Meal or No Meal, and Steph Tolliv and I go head to head on a thought-provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds, and we probably have more fun than we should. But it's a great time, and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.