If I Were You - 91: Meddling

Episode Date: July 28, 2014

In this episode we discuss honesty, honestly.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com! The easiest way to create an awesome website.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Uh-huh, you'll have one last problem after this, girl! Jake and Amir is gonna help ya, they really wanna help you That's why they started a podcast that is called If I were you tell them your problems And they will solve them with their humor And a lot of jokes at your expense The head in the clouds got no weight on my shoulders Things do just strange as I listen to online

I got one last one last problem Thanks to Jake and Amir, send your question to If I were you show at gmail.com Peace! I'm outta here! Well, I mean start the show, that's what I meant Phillip from Sweden Very, very, very nice, very Phillip From Sweden

That was very classic him, wasn't it? Isn't it good that other countries have to learn our language? That way they can sing our songs and submit to our podcasts and listen to our shows You're a bad person, I don't want to Can you imagine if we had to learn the languages of all of our fans? That would be a waste of our time What if our fans in Thailand You don't deserve to have fans

Let alone worldwide audience Because you're not happy that you have them, you're just happy that they speak your language I'm Mr. Worldwide actually I have lipstick stamps on my passport I think I need a new one Because look at all these stamps on it, it's ruined my passport It's unusable Plus I'm due for a renewal anyway

Border control doesn't accept this Lipstick stamps? Where were you? The Virgin Islands? Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Jake And I'm Amir I like that we swing now Not talking about the intro, we literally, we swing

Not talking about dancing either We swing, I'm not talking about a tire on a tree either Yeah, we actually We fuck each other Okay, I was talking about golfing Oh We go golfing together It's golf swing

We fuck each other afterwards I don't think that's swinging though That's just something we do Swinging is if we had wives and we switched it up Yeah, the opposite of swinging, we just fuck each other Would you ever swing if you had, if you were married And things were getting a little stale and then another married couple came over Maybe if things were getting really, really stale

And I didn't feel threatened by the other dude You'd imagine a world where you could swing I'd have to really, really, really, really want to fuck this dude's wife Yeah, of course Yeah, I don't know, that's sort of like If you had a wife and you could fuck Natalie Portman I would do it, sorry What was the question?

You had to kill your wife I would do it Sorry, what was the other question? You had to kill your wife in order to fuck Natalie Portman I would do it You're a murderer Fuck it, I'm gonna fuck my wife and hope for the best I feel like it's gonna lead to the Portman blow

At least At the very least, we'll go to third base How about I strangle my wife, she goes into a medically induced coma And even if nothing happens with me and Portman You know, I'll go to my grave knowing that I tried At the very least, I'd like to finger her for a strangle I'll strangle for a finger Anybody listening has a line out there

So how does it work? We get emails from people And these people are in desperate situations They email us at a fireyoushow at gmail.com They ask our advice And this is the show in which we do it Interesting, this is the show I wouldn't say it's better

This is the show in which we give it This is the show in which we do it Alright In which we give said advice In which we, people email people Excuse me You're high People email us in their questions

Asking for advice This is the show Where we do it Then we have another show Where we don't do it That's a different show entirely Just the one you did with Ben This is the one that we do

The advice one It's funny how 90's some odd episodes And still, still perfecting the explanation Not quite 100% I would say it's charming I think we perfected the art of charming through the intro Yeah I mean at the very least we got expensive microphones

That's pretty good That's an improvement That's saying something Yeah, we spent money We spent cash, honey The idea, this voice is good What? Nothing actually

Dude, let's do the whole entire podcast in that voice Alright, let's treat me like one of your lovers Fuck, alright Fuck, I'm locked into this Oh no, baby I don't even know what I'm trying to... What do you imagine when I do that? An old drunk lady?

Yeah, I guess an old... Or like an effeminate younger man? Yeah, I think I was imagining more of like An older effeminate man Yeah, either way I'm smoking a cigarette out of Like one of those cigarette extenders Right, definitely Yeah, bitch

What was that about? What are those? Like what's the point? So I don't get cigarettes in all my fucking fingers Is it? No, no, no Just like a really long e-cigarette though An e-cigarette extender

What's the point of the cigarette extenders? Is it so that your fingers don't smell like cigarettes? Maybe Maybe it's like just kind of sexy looking I don't know, I'm not an expert in that Or in anything Hey, let's answer some questions Alright

This guy says he has a quick question So maybe we should start with that one That sounds good Just a quick question What should we call this dude? Keep in mind he's English Let's call him Let's call him the most famous English person I know

Hugh Laurie Winston Churchill Winston Churchill Is a close second to Hugh Laurie Hugh Laurie it is Hugh Laurie writes Hey Amir and the pinch Here's the situation

Here's the situation Got my Tinder game on point And I've been talking to this girl who's pretty down to bang Problem is I'm not sure if I want to Due to the fact that I don't find her attractive Should I just hit it and quit it? She's made it clear she wants a relationship But I don't feel like she's the one

So am I a diva scumbag for fucking her? Thanks, Hugh Laurie Hugh Laurie Yeah Mr. Laurie, how's MD himself? He's hilarious Wait, he said He said this girl's down to bang

But I don't find her attractive She wants a relationship Is it on Tinder? Yeah You don't have to have a... No, why does she... He's worried that she wants to have a relationship He's worried that he shouldn't fuck a girl

That he's not attracted to Because it's like Oh, he's leading her on in some way I think he is attracted to her Oh If he wants to fuck her then he's attracted to her He's just like Oh, but she's not conventionally attractive

So I wouldn't want to date her Or bring her around to my friends But if he's gonna fuck her He's like I'm not attracted to her I fuck ugly people Yeah, I fuck ugly people all the time But I'm attracted to them

Would you say But having you also slept with people You're not attracted to? Oh, yeah, definitely But I'm attracted to them in some way When you get drunk you get attracted to them Well, yeah, that's pretty easy But also like

Even when they're ugly I'm probably attracted to them In some like Deep, dark corner of my body Yeah And the deepest, darkest corner of theirs Just, yeah Well, yeah, definitely

Right Our genitals The deepest, darkest parts So I guess it's weird Because it's like Oh, don't sleep with someone You're not attracted to But by definition

If you sleep with them Are you attracted to them? Yeah, like I'm not Sorry, I'm just like Really not into you Oh, my penis is hard Your vagina's wet

I guess we are Yeah, anatomically Our bodies are saying that we are So I guess I am attracted to you So you're saying If you felt If he feels this way It's just for a moment

Maybe you could be with someone Maybe you could like be around someone Like, oh, this guy's gross This girl's gross And then like Something happens You're like, whoa, I'm riled up I'm turned down

And then you do it And you like come And then you're like, oh, shit I wasn't feeling that As much as I thought it was Yeah, I feel bad So maybe he can see that He can see himself doing that

And he's worried because He might feel bad Because she wants more Right He's quote unquote Leading her on, perhaps Well, it sounds like They have

They've matched on Tinder And she wants to bang And she wants to A relationship It doesn't sound like it's that serious You're probably not like So maybe this is what he should do He should say

Hey, I really don't want a relationship But I'm down to hang out Right That means like Hey, I'm down to sleep with you But I don't want to see you Ever again after the fact Yeah, it's like

Hey, yeah, let's meet up I just like If you're worried You know, I think you would say Something like Hey, let's meet up Just to be totally upfront I'm not looking for anything serious

But I think it'd be fun To meet up sometime Oh, yeah Then that's like the That's the vague, polite, socially normal way of saying I don't want to date you But I'm down to bone once or twice Yeah

And if she responds to that Then you can go for it You don't have to feel bad You're not a scumbag Right But if she says no Then it's like Okay, you don't have to lie to her

And be like No, never mind I do want a relationship And then sleep with her And then Yeah, I think you go with this This is the method The path of least resistance

Right Which is the honest truth Always Almost always the truth will set you free Except when it doesn't In which case the lie sets you free And I can actually get behind that, bitch Yeah, it's like American

Or English is not your first language No, yeah, I learned it like Club 30 years ago So how old are you? 48 But I've been 48 for 12 years You're dead

Yeah You're an old gay skeleton That's what that character is I'm melting Alright, next question Yeah This one's pretty great What, are we just doing British people?

We're giving these real emails From real people fake names To preserve their anonymity In case y'all were wondering We're giving these real people British names To preserve their British anonymity Yeah They're completely untraceable in England

But you know who they are everywhere else in the world Another Englishman Perhaps an Englishman who went up a mountain And came down, or went up a hill And came down a mountain Huh? It's a Hugh Grant movie I was gonna say Sir Edmund Hillary

The guy that climbed Mount Everest Okay, that works too You're choosing Sirs and I'm choosing Hugh's So Hugh Grant writes Hey guys, help out if you can I cheated on my GF of three years Like three weeks ago With someone I met at work

Got her number and had sex like three hours later Never saw her again She was in NY for a week And she moved back to Oklahoma or whatever So I felt like she would never find out Since the girl's not from around here But she like fell in love with me And kept texting me

And I was all like It was a one night stand Like chill and deleted her number And my girlfriend read one of her incoming texts On my phone Saying I miss your dick or something crazy And found out that I cheated on her After talking to this girl who told her everything

I wanna get my GF back It's been two days And I explained everything honestly In emails to her That I did it like a hundreds of girls Before that word DTF And it was a one time thing And I really do love her

And I fucked up It's been two days And this other girl has been sleeping over At my crib I've been seeing two And wants to be with me Like waiting for me In my girlfriend to break up

But my question is How can I get my GF back After cheating on her Because I really do love her And I want to be with her And is it cool for me to be with this other girl While me and my ex are on a break Because, you know, I need that sex

Like question mark, question mark What? Love Hugh Grant Hugh, that guy's probably our coolest fan Right? It's funny to say that this guy who's serial Cheats on his girlfriend is our coolest fan Yeah

But yeah, he is Definitely Yeah So this girl be like What? And then his girlfriend be like What? And now he has this other GF

Girl who's over Can I sleep with her? I deaded like a hundred girls Yeah, that's like a That's a cool Yeah, it's a cool word To say I deaded I gotta dead that girl, man

Imagine being so attractive That you have to come up with a word For rejecting the girls that All want to sleep with you That is really cool Yeah Three years, cheats on her once With someone that you thought

It was safe because That girl was leaving town Yeah, moving to Oklahoma or some shit I think that doesn't make it Okay, that almost makes it worse That you're that careful And also he's still very cavalier About it

He's like Now since we're technically on a break You know, because she's pissed at me For cheating on her Can I sleep with this other girl While I work to earn My girlfriend's trust back? I explained to her everything in email

While this other girl was blowing me Yeah It's like Hey, one out of a hundred snuck through That's a great rate, babe If you can't handle that Maybe we shouldn't be together That's nice

Put it in that math term for Yeah, like a one percent Yeah, you're deading ninety-nine percent Of possible honeys Deading ninety-nine percent But this bitch was one Yeah, this last one She is the one percent

This girl who is DTF They're all DTF Yeah You know, this guy's such a pimp That you can't have a one night stand Without the girl falling in love He can't shack up With some girl just like

On the side without her wanting him And his girlfriend to break up Like I got a magic dick Yeah, he's got that magic dick I got the magic dick Whoa, is that what that fucking song's about? Oh, the magic stick I just realized that sort of sounds like

A dick and it's a slang for a stick Oh my god And when he says, I'm going to the candy shop Keep going till you hit the spot Yeah, I'll let you lick the lollipop What is that? Yeah What is he talking about?

I think they're talking about popsicles, bitch Who is that guy? Why is he dead? What's his name? Theodore Great Oh, that's his last name Oh, what's his first name?

Leslie Leslie His name is actually Leslie Alvin Theodore I also kind of like Theodore Leslie Theodore Leslie the second You mean junior? Honey, if you think that You got another thing coming

What are you talking about Theodore Leslie? Theodore Alvin Leslie Doot doot doot doot doot Leslie Guaranteed to brighten your day Great show I wonder if you'll ever have the problem of Three girls trying to fuck you at the same time

You know, I've never dead in a girl But I've put some in a coma At the very least, I put a few in a coma At the very least, I'm talking about my wife Who I strangled in order to finger Natalie Portman Put her right in a coma Medically induced, but still Yeah

So what should this play up do? I feel like this player needs to play I feel like he shouldn't be in a relationship Even you calling him a player Yeah, I feel like this dude is my dude You just brought him down a level Keep in mind this guy listens to podcasts Yeah, so how cool could he possibly be?

Yeah As we say into microphones, we record a podcast Yeah That's much longer than listening We're huge losers and our fans are regular losers You guys are cooler than us Yeah, that's a win Which is a small, small honor

Microscopic So I feel like this guy should just let this girlfriend go And instead of deading girls, just livin' him up Totally, live your life Take him off life support Aren't in love with your girlfriend because you cheated on her And now you're shacked up with somebody else

Can you cheat on your girlfriend if you're still in love with her? Or do you have to fall out of love in order to cheat? I... You know Coming from somebody who's never cheated on anyone Ever It's really tough Can you put yourself in the shoes of someone?

How do I do that? How do I put myself in the shoes of a monster? My feet wouldn't fit in those shoes Monsters have large feet, I have regular sized feet So I don't have a lot in common with a monster I don't sleep under the bed, I sleep on top of the bed I don't hide in the closet

I get my clothes from the closet I guess Yeah I'm not a monster This is a new thing, like daily affirmations Yeah, I've been doing daily affirmations Do you still do this? Um, no

I haven't really done them since I moved to Los Angeles I hear they're good I heard on, I think, another podcast Maybe a Pete's podcast that he does daily affirmations And it helps Yeah He's like, your subconscious doesn't know the difference between you telling yourself you're awesome and other people That's pretty cool

And it does make sense I mean, I don't think, I don't do the daily affirmations the same way I used to But I do, like, a random, like, daily sentence to yourself Yeah, to psych myself up Out loud, but he's talking about out loud into the mirror Like, you're awesome, people like you, you're very cool, you're funny, you're friendly I'll whisper it to myself in the car Oh, is that like

I'll say it out loud in the car Sometimes I'll give myself a pep talk in the car But it's always in the car It's never, like, standing in the mirror being like, you are a do-gooder Yeah Go get them today You're capable of making a positive change in the world Yeah, wow

No, I'm a piece of shit I do the opposite I tell myself I'm a garbage man And I don't mean the kind that pick up your trash At least those people are productive members of society Yeah, I'm less than a garbage man I'm a garbage can Yeah

I belong in a garbage can I belong in a dumpster And I belong in a landfill Yeah, call me Oscar because I am a grouch Yes I'm grumpy and then with due cause I have nothing to look forward to Nothing to be happy about in life

Yep I am a trash garbage man And I don't even think people can learn a lesson from my sad tale Because I'm that stupid that Everything I do is pretty much common sense Yeah So Can you tell me how to get to Suicide Street?

Where were we with this guy? I tell him that he wasn't in love with his girlfriend Yeah When you cheat on somebody You I have no idea Psychology is not really my strong suit Yeah

I cheat on people all the time and I think I'm in love So I'll love somebody and then cheat on them With somebody else that I'm in love with Right But for me love is like Micro spurts I'm in love I'm in love

I'm in love Like a little burst of micro love And it sounds like this guy might have parts to that He's like Loves this girl for three years but then he's like Been sort of You know Deading a lot of girls until he meets one that's like

Gonna leave town so he's like Oh I'll see what's up here To Oklahoma or some shit Yeah And now you're like Oh as soon as this girl's broken up with you You're like Alright cool I'm single

I'm gonna fuck somebody else until we get back together It seems like you're sort of like Taking advantage of this opportunity But I think that's okay You're broken up Stay broken up Do your thing I'm totally with you

We agree For once Go hook up with that Hocla homin' again Hocla homo Hocla homo Hocla homo Yeah

Johnny Do it sooners What? Do it sooners Rather than later Yeah Yeah cause they're the sooner state Yeah

Absolutely Thank you You said psychology wasn't your strong suit It is now What is your strong suit? Um Er Not really a suit

But I'm pretty good at looking up Looking up pornography Yeah it's not a suit Finding clips that get me off Not really a suit But I've been pretty into Solitaire lately An iPhone game Yeah all my strengths are

Kind of embarrassing But I know a lot about porn Yeah So that's good Mm-hmm Porn is like your sports for me Yeah Yeah

Just good It's nice It's good It's nice to have something in the bag there Yeah You know it's useless how much you know about sports Exactly And it's at least you're doing something with your

Your knowledge It's not like I'm jerking off To Like Kobe's 81 point game You I've seen you jerk off to that On YouTube

No that was his 62 and 3 quarters game He had 62 after 3 vs Dallas Your dick's growing right now I'm like a perverted Pinocchio A basketball Pinocchio Um I'm trying to find the third question Are you ready for the third question?

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Squarespace Here we go Ooh, a lady's name A lady British A British A lady Britishman A lady Britishman A lady Englishman

A female Englishman A female Brit Does that even Or is it like British people are men And then like the girls are like Is it like the lounge I think it's a girl Britishman

And a dude Britishman A male I think no Girls Girls That's what a Scottish person is Dame A Scottish person is

A female British person Oh, I see We'll figure this out Before we get to London Yeah, you should On September 8th We're gonna give her a name Oh, oh, we're not talking about that

Yeah, yeah Yeah, let's give her A female British name Who is the most noble British woman of all Ooh, Kate Beckinsale I was gonna say The Queen Jerry Halliwell

Oh, very good The sporty spice Who is Kate Beckinsale? Kate Beckinsale is in serendipity She's cute Very hot Would you kill Natalie Portman To finger Kate Beckinsale?

Wow I feel like that's such a common question Yeah, I think so Holy shit I'd love if she got arrested for it I would never hurt anybody I would never put my harm A woman, a man, or a child

Even if they were picking on someone I loved, I wouldn't fight back I'm sort of a passive pussy Oh So let's say some bully is hitting Literally abusing physically A brother of mine Even my father or mother

I would yell at him I would say stop it, sir But I would never physically harm anybody You're a pacifist Yeah Jerry Halliwell writes Yes Hey guys, love the show

Back in December, I ended things With my boyfriend of six years We went on a while without talking But over the last few months We've become friendly again We do normal things together Eat lunch, occasionally grab drinks, etc Nothing serious, totally platonic

There aren't any romantic feelings From us on either end My problem is that his new girlfriend Has no idea we've been spending time together Or that we've been talking again She's in Texas They do the long distance thing currently Whenever we hang out

He tells her he's with the guys or at work Do I have any obligation to tell her What's going on? I don't want to cause problems for them Or even be involved in their relationship at all But if I was in her position I definitely would want to know Thanks for any advice you can give me

Love Jerry Halliwell Jerry Don't lie to us Jerry She lied to us or to herself She's lying to us She's like, I don't want to cause any problems I don't want to tell her that we've been hanging out

It's totally not romantic Should I tattle? I don't want to get involved I know I'd want to know Maybe I'll mention that he lies to her And hangs out with me You know what I should do is If I just tell her we're hanging out

That's kind of weird and platonic Maybe I should sort of as a goof Kiss him in a casual way As a bit In doing a silly little goof bit And then it's like, now I have to tell her I don't want to get involved I'm just going to let her know

I'm kissing my ex-boyfriend And then let's see what happens Maybe that'll lead to them not being Cause I'm single So actually that would be kind of convenient We live in the same city And I still love him I'm still very much in love with him

She said that they only hang out all the time Platonically Just dinner, drinks and then he lies to his girlfriend About who he's hanging out with That's platonic And you're at the point where you feel uncomfortable enough That you're considering telling her So that sounds platonic

It sounds healthy It sounds like you're not involved And it sounds good I'm happy you guys are over each other And you're living your best lives This reminds me of all the ex-girlfriends That I hang out with on a one-on-one basis You remember that night that you had dinner

With three of your exes and your current girlfriend Isabella, Theodora and Kelvina Yeah, Kelvina especially Yeah, we had a nice I had a breakfast, lunch and dinner date A lot, a date obviously You went to sushi but you found a way To order huevos rancheros from

A diner next door And had it delivered via seamless web So you are You are meddling You do still have feelings for him Or at the very least he still has feelings for you And you know about it Yeah, at the very least he's aware

That it's not good for his relationship To hang out with you so he's lying to his ex So you're meddling If you feel bad You don't have an obligation to do anything I don't think because this isn't her relationship The dude's asking you to hang out If I were you, I would be like

I don't want to do this Just because it's stupid Why do you want to hang out With your ex-boyfriend as Friends, you should be out there Meeting new people This dude already Was with you, you guys decided

To work so what are you doing What if she does like him and she's like Maybe I want to get him away from his girlfriend Is that mean Or is it just like Opening up the possibility And then it's his decision I don't know if it's me, it's unhealthy

Is it mean to try to steal a guy away From another girl if you're a girl I feel like it's probably Like if you don't have malicious intent And you actually like a guy And he has a girlfriend that's long distance Mean to try to break them up I think it's mean to like

Tear at the fabric of a relationship And like Metal with it to the point that it falls apart And then like you've manipulated it To a certain point Where you can insert yourself I think that's mean spirited, I think that's bad But I think I can see where you're saying

Like You come in, pure heart rule You say would you like to go out sometime Even if you know that that person has A significant other That person sees You know what, maybe I do want to explore this relationship Maybe then it's on them

To like Start moving away from their significant other If he wants to explore some other relationship But I think it's, I don't think it's good to be like Metal, metal, metal, metal You know like That passive stuff, the planting seeds Being weird, being shady

Quote on quote platonically Yeah, I think that, like to have a long con But to kind of, but to lay out your Everything on the table, like By the way, if you are in a relationship I think we should date, do with that information what you will Yeah That's, that's much better

And also it will be ultimately better on your psyche Because then you're not like Stringing out and wondering what's going to happen with Some platonic friendship Yeah, but don't even want to give yourself the best chance at that Like if I barely know a girl She's not going to want to be with me But if I'm like, oh maybe if we're hanging out a little bit

She realizes what a better guy I am Than her current boy And then I Want to be with somebody that like Could be that easily Wooed away, wouldn't you be worried then that Well I would think no, because she's only wooed because I'm perfectly compatible with her

And I'm her perfect mate Have you done this before? No But I'm deaf considering that I'm sort of I'm trying to find a dating site that like Has people's sleep Relationships Isn't that Ashley Madison? Yeah

But I don't want to cheat I just want to break up other people's relationships I think it's a little sleazy It's a little tacky It's More than a lot coy I don't think I like it very much But if two people are perfect

Like if that's how your parents met Wouldn't that be a romantic story Your mom was dating someone else But I got in there and she chose me Like oh yeah your mom was going to prom With Tom Evans but I But I said I cut in and I said May I have this dance and then she danced with me

The rest of the night and I took her home Like oh you guys are crazy You little teens But it's another thing to be like I'm 31 My Crush is 28 Her boyfriend is 5 years older than her And they've been together for 4 years

And they're thinking about getting married But I meddled and meddled and meddled Destroyed a relationship But if I can destroy it then maybe it wasn't meant to be Yeah Don't you want your relationship to be unmeddlable Alright Or is every relationship meddlable

Like if you're an earthquake There's an earthquake and a building falls down You're like well that building wasn't structurally sound It didn't have a good foundation Yeah but like you don't have to build Structurally sound buildings everywhere Because there's not always supposed to be earthquakes Oh so you're talking about

This only works for couples in San Francisco Along the San Andreas Falls It's just like it's not necessarily fair For somebody to have like a normal Seemingly healthy relationship But unfortunately it wasn't built to withstand This onslaught of you Being like

You tearing down the walls Okay What if the boyfriend is a loser You didn't say that Yeah Then of course What if it's an asshole and you're like Oh this guy's kind of a douche

Everybody's kind of a douche all the time You know a guy that you don't like If his girlfriend was awesome And you got along with him Why are you dating this douche Wouldn't you try to break them up I don't know because I don't know what guys are really like When they're just with their girlfriends

I see people for like 30 seconds At a time And if they say one sentence that I don't like This is shit in my mind So they're in a relationship Where they're talking for hours and hours And he's opening up about his relationship

With his mother and his hopes and dreams And like maybe he is like A beautiful person because I don't think there are a lot of people In the world who are inherently evil Or a douche loser All the time So I don't know It's a tough one

It would really depend how tight Or pussy was No, I really wouldn't want to mess with love Is what I'm saying Love is sacred What do you think America tweeted us What do you think? You think it's fine

I think it might be fine I think if a relationship is Meddlable Like if this guy is seeing this girl Hanging out with this girl If I was in a great relationship I wouldn't hang out with my ex-girlfriend If a relationship is meddlable

He's opening it up to get meddled with And it deserves to Have this outside force Perhaps try to chisel away At the very fabric of the relationship If you're If a relationship is meddlable I think you at least, this is like perfect world

Because this never happens You would owe it to the guy To be like, hey I'm gonna start pursuing your girlfriend May the best man win And he's like, alright good Game on, I'm gonna start courting her All over again, buying her flowers

Doing everything that That's cool for her Because she gets the benefit of Two guys trying to woo her Here's the basketball analogy There's free agents Free agents can sign with anybody But then there's something called

The restricted free agents Which means If you're the team that has that person Anybody can pursue that free agent But you have the right to match So what you're wanting is A restricted free agency where it's like Any guy can come aboard and make

Their case, but if they offer them A dollar amount or a love amount Or a personality, at least Give me the opportunity to match so that she can choose me I think that's fair, but that's meddling What this girl is doing is meddling What this girl is doing, yes, she's meddling I think if you are genuinely saying

I don't want to meddle And I don't want to be involved in their relationship Then what you should do Isn't tell the girl Like you're of course becoming Involved in the relationship If you tell her that you're hanging out If you genuinely don't want to be a part of it

Stop hanging out with him Make a new friend Let me say this caveat Meddling is okay if you want to be in a relationship If you want to replace that relationship It's not okay if you're just trying to Like fuck the other person And then get rid of her

Cause then it sort of fucks the other person over Cause then it's like, oh get rid of your relationship So that I can sleep with you And then you have nothing I'm saying it's meddling is okay if you're able to Provide something better than what you are meddling That's true, but also like Then you should be aware

I mean I don't completely agree with you But you should also be aware of the consequences When you start meddling The consequences are they break up So if you want them to break up And for this person to be single Or lover to be heartbroken And you want to like pick up the pieces

Then I guess I think you're stupid but go for it And that's slightly better than somebody who's like I'm just going to meddle until they break up And then I'm going to fuck her and go away Right, that's bad I mean I don't think either of them are good

I feel like there are enough single people out there That They should, that's That's the dating pool But doesn't the pool also involve People who are just sitting on the edge Dipping their toes in Who are in a bad relationship

You know what The pool's a wacky place I don't even think it is a dating pool I think it's a dating beach Because the waves are rocky The tide is strong And there's a couple sexy lifeguards patrolling the area Don't you think?

I don't know I sort of got lost in the metaphor Yeah What do we do now that we're at Like near the 40 minute mark And We haven't taken our break yet Do we need to take a break? We could just power through to the fourth question

Or we should just do a break and then Because breaks are kind of chill Oh that's nice, well yeah Do you have anything you want to talk about on this break? Yeah, let's do a little break you break Before we have to go I think Anything that happened to me in basketball today

I play basketball With a bunch of... That's cool Yeah, basketball is cool With a bunch of 11 year olds I had an elementary school And nobody's really good but I'm not really good either So it works out but everybody's Like the locals there are all pretty cool

Because you know, they play basketball And they're cool or whatever Cool high schoolers, cool college kids So I'm always trying to be a little bit cooler Than I am and today We were playing 5 on 5 and somebody goes What's the score?

And I said, instead of 1 You're supposed to say 1s if it's 1-1 You say 1s or 1-up Or 1-0 But instead I yelled 1sies And nobody said anything But I felt like such an idiot

The way I talk normally in this place Because I would just be like 1sies And that's fine But for me to yell 1sies In a like a pick up basketball game I wanted to run back to my car Drive off a cliff No one said anything the entire time

I mean there were... I don't know I yelled it so people probably heard it But I don't know if it registered to them that I was a wiener God to be so funny if as you're getting in your car Somebody said good game 1sies I didn't fucking say 1sies I said 1sies I said 1sies

Your nickname on the court is 1sies I show up on the next day Wearing a 1sie A wrestling singlet Oh man that's sad 1sies As you twist your ankle You get a ball in the face

Oh my god what happened Did you twist your ankle? People snickering Shut up dude it really freaking kills Put this packy of ice on it Oh no Oh I wanted to say that we're still going to London In Manchester too

London, Manchester, Berlin Just for fun Yeah we decided on where to spend a week after Our London shows And it's This is in Berlin Oh Berlin ya You Americans have so much fun

But you can't quite understand How well we eat Germany y'all So that's going to be fun We're going to be just sort of doing oppressions and shit On the Champs Ely Boulevard And if y'all need me I'll be eating a vener schnitzel

Twice the side of my head Bitches Oh no Theodore Leslie's Coming back Full sparkle Theodore Leslie Leslie Theodore Theodore Leslie and his twin sister Leslie Theodore

Why do they have different names I guess because Leslie So Theodore Leslie And Leslie's name Was Leslie Leslie But she married someone named Theodore So Theodore Leslie And Leslie Theodore

Amazing Both wearing onesies So come out the shows are still available And all of them? Actually Manchester might be sold out by the time this comes out Don't quote me on that Don't quote me on that That's it we're out of, we're over time

We only answered three questions but we delve deep I actually do want to know if you guys can tweet at us What you think About meddling is it okay I think it's okay Or is it never a good idea Or is it never nice It's not illegal I just think it's fucked

No yeah I don't think it's fucked I think it's fine You think it's fine It definitely exists in the moral gray area Yeah But what do you guys think My Twitter handle is at Jake and Amir And Jake's is at Jake Hurwitz

That's right Follow me on Twitter everybody I need the followers I'm working up my courage to send out a tweet Yeah It's been a while It's been a couple since uh yeah But you're big on Instagram you love the Gram

Same name Jake Hurwitz I appreciate you Follow Jake on Instagram And you know what follow Amir on Instagram His handle is Jake Hurwitz Yeah dude if you want to follow either of us on Instagram It's just Jake Hurwitz Let go of me

Okay that's it that's our time The first did I say who the first Oh yeah we did We're still accepting theme song submissions Every show starts and ends with an original theme song We always need more Please keep sending them Uh in Sweden

And this last one is from Marcus and Laura And they want us to give a shout out to DJ Penguin So thanks Marcus and Laura and DJ Penguin And if you guys have your own questions Or your own theme songs that email address one last time Is ifirishow at gmail.com

See ya later If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you