If I Were You - 91: Rejection Notice

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

In this episode we talk about making money, making memories, and back pain.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. But then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts. Won't last it's effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Another podcast Each app different from the last It's the Swiss Army nightbook shows

Meet you two pathetic hosts Hey dude I wanted to have a pretty special guest on this episode I don't know if you remember Sugar Ray Mark McGrath Yeah of course Amazing There's so many questions to ask I just want to fly.

Every morning, there's a halo hanging up. So I had an inn with his PR lady. Who's that? Who I guess went to college with my cousin. Okay. And wanted to know if we'd be interested at all in having Mark on. I said, yeah, we're recording today. Yeah.

We're interested in having him on every morning. Every morning So I said that And she did not respond to the email Really I think she thought that Like I was referencing a thing that he did at 1997 But he's been like up to a lot of new stuff

That they wanted to get into Wasn't there a time when this kind of happened Oh yes now I remember We made you make a joke To somebody that you were getting set up on a date with And then she ghosted you I don't remember that But I do remember being ghosted

Wait, a joke? Yeah Wasn't it? Okay, so tell the story How you remember Okay, I'll see if it could jog my memory. We were writing the Jake and Amir pilot With Lizby and Rieger

Yeah These guys were older than us, They were in their, I think early 40s And we were in our late 20s. You were single and I think you're the only one that was single so we were kind of all like you know in looking at your Tinder

yeah your dating life et cetera et cetera vicariously then we had a friend who was setting you up with an actress I don't remember who it was I do but I'll let you know offline right for sure interest yeah and it wasn't a ghost it was a never responded we never actually met up right exactly

so she texted you I think to be like my friend so-and-so says that we should get a drink you got you said yes there's some back and forth and then I think at some point I remember I don't remember the setup but the joke was um like something like yes I am the cocaine guy I have the coke or something right to that effect something like drug related yeah like she made some kind of joke and the joke back was like to make it seem like you were insane and on cocaine when you texted yeah and then And she never responded. Yeah.

You don't remember the joke? I don't remember the joke. I do remember the non-response, which is I ended up becoming so livid that I found where she lived and would throw rocks at her window. I found where she livid. Yeah. And I said, do you have a problem with me? It's so insanely funny that you basically got like peer pressured by three comedy writers to make a response that was so insanely

dumb that like it didn't even read as a joke you made a joke that made us laugh and her be like whoa this guy's too intense i've one wonder if she even remembers this email too i wonder if i could find this email because it is an email it's an email wow so search for cocaine or the coke i don't even know if it was cocaine let's see oh i guess you searched her name yeah uh but i bet it had nothing her not responding to me has nothing to do we'll find it during one of the breaks yeah Okay. You found it? Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, that's so funny. Was that close? Yes, you are very close. I mean, yeah. Is it a funny joke? First of all, it's like a nothing burger joke that made me think like she was never emotionally available to see a new person, aka me. So this email was actually sent on January 6th, so now I have a personal January 6th.

J6. Happy birthday, Sarah, Rachel, and Liza. And it was set up through, do you remember who? Oh, that's a really good question. Might it have been Ricky? Very good. Nailed it. Nice. So Ricky emailed me and this lady and said, hey, this lady's name, you asked about that A plus cocaine I had and who sold it to me.

Amir C-Ced is that guy. enjoy the cocaine I see he made the cocaine jokes okay then I replied and it's still kind of funny to me now that I read it alt caps I have I have cocaine I have it on me Ricky is correct it's a plus

and I am the guy fuck yeah Amir so it's like I'm currently I on cocaine Alcalf is so good I have the cocaine I have it is a plus and I am the guy. Even if she wasn't interested in dating me, she should have given me a shot based on that one funny email.

Yeah. So there was nothing to, okay, this is, it's, it paints you a little bit better than I initially thought, where she reached out and your joke made her withdraw. It was actually. Correct. Ricky probably met her or talked to her somewhere, made the intro.

You responded and she decided that it wasn't really going to happen. No matter the response. No matter how good response is, because that is funny. Well, to put the ball back into my court, I then replied to my own email. How much later? Just two minutes. So it wasn't out of desperation. It was sort of a two-part joke.

Yeah, yeah. Nice. Hey, sorry about that. My caps lock button was broken. But if you want to cocaine or to hang out, let me know. P.S. I don't actually have cocaine. Just to sort of let her know. I'm not.

This is a bit, ha-ha. Yeah, but I've never tried this stuff. Well, maybe that's why she didn't respond. P.S. I don't have the cocaine. Maybe she ended up wanting cocaine. Yeah, maybe she needed the cocaine. Maybe she was actually looking for the hookup. And then looking on my email, we never corresponded again.

Yeah, so she never even once. Yeah. Although I do see that she follows me on Twitter, so it couldn't have been any hard feelings. Would you drop the name in the chat just for me to take in and witness? I have an idea of who it is. Yeah. I mean, it's not a super famous. I'm sure some people would know who it is.

Yeah, Margot Robbie. I knew that. Yeah. Did she end up doing anything after that indie feature that Ricky produced? I forgot she was in coffee town. She was in coffee town and that was it. She played a bathroom attendant. Whatever happened to Margo Robbie.

I heard Margo Robbie ended up marrying some comedians. I thought. Jeff Rubin. Yeah, not Jeff Rubin, but I thought she ended up like with some like UCB adjacent person, but maybe that's not true. Wait, Margot Robbie? Yeah. No, I think you're thinking of like Emma Stone married a S&L producer or writer or something like that. Right.

Although Margot Robbie ended up with a sort of normal guy. Good honor. Yeah, a producer, a director. Yeah, English producer. All right, cool. Good man. Actually, a really good man. All right, that was a fun little trip down memory lane to fucking embarrass me.

Are you happy? Yeah, I thought that was fun. Should I reply to the email now? Hey, I'm just coming down off this... Of the cocaine. 11-year Coke binge. Married, but still down to get a tea if you want to talk about, Holly Weird. I do love caffeine.

Which is kind of a natural upper, if you think about it, good times. Do you think that was your word? um rejection uh no probably not uh there were times when we would go abroad and we would run into uh ladies like i remember once in europe struggling to formulate a DM we're like oh this person sort of recognized us as english comedian american comedians in England and uh they said hi to us and let's let's you got her name let's try to DM her and see if she wants to hang out or something like that. So I would DM and they would like either not respond or we would not meet up with them.

I don't remember that, but that sounds pathetic. And it's like, do we DM? It's like, yeah, it's fine. She gave you her name. She was friendly enough. Like, yeah, but is it like stalkery behavior? Yeah, she told you her name, so you just searched it. Right, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Nobody's perfect, you know. That was what your DM said. I think those are literally the only two times I've ever been rejected. Did it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm trying to think the worst time for me. You've had like year-long crushes where you're sort of tepidly nudging versus like going to make a move, I feel like. Yeah. There was actually one time, this isn't necessarily a rejection, but I won't tell everybody how it panned out. But in the early days of Tinder, when everybody was just kind of figuring it out, Jeff Rosenberg and I matched with the same person. and we basically had a date with her, him and I, at the same time. Did you know? Yes, all three of us knew.

It was like an unspoken, it was like an episode of The Bachelorette, and we were just sort of quietly competing to be the one that she liked. So you both went out with the same woman? Yeah, just the three of us. I also recall some, like, Tinder, maybe somebody you knew, like waiting, for hours at the Whiskey Brooklyn and this person not showing up. Do you remember something like that?

And you're like, we ended up going somewhere else out later. And then you're like, we were supposed to be here at 8 and she texted me like at 11.30 like, hey, are you still out? And you're just like, this is crazy. No, I don't remember. I don't remember that. I think it was. I'll text you the name again.

Oh. I have to bleep. Okay. I see. Wait. So what was this? We were at Whiskey Brooklyn and I was waiting for her. You had a plan to meet her.

Yeah. Like she just didn't show up. And you're like, this is crazy. She's just not here. And then like four and a half hours later, she's like, oh, yeah, hey, sorry. You're still out and about. I had such a huge crush on her. I do remember this.

Because I was like, I never ever did stuff like this, but I was like pulling out all the stops. I think I was like, normally it would just be like, let's, hey, people are going to this bar. Let's all meet up or whatever. Casual. Yeah. I remember this night because I bought concert tickets. I literally never do this. And I was like, well, let's go to this concert.

There's like a DJ set. There's a show. And I think I did it because she had like told me about it. We had like talked about it. But it was like, do you want to come to this show? She says yes. I buy the tickets. The show starts at eight.

And I'm just like, all right, let's, I'll get a drink. I was getting a drink with you. And it's like, yeah, we're supposed to be. going to the show, but I haven't heard from her. The show was starting soon, and I think she's going to text me. Because you're like, I don't know what to do with these tickets. Should I just go? Like, and you were too afraid to be like, where are you?

Because like, that would seem desperate. Yeah, because I'd already texted once. Yeah. I was like, all right, no, she's playing it so cool that I have to be cool. But I was like losing my mind. And then I think you and I or me and Jeff went to this concert because I had the extra ticket. And I was like, yeah, I guess you're just not going to text me.

And then sure enough, at like 1130, she's like, hey, What are you up to? I'm like, well, I was just, it's a fucking copter and I invited you to. Remember my friend Jeff. It's not casual. You know what? I purchased. I'm going to stick up for myself unless you want to hang out right now, in which

case, I'll go to where you are. I'll be sober up and I'll come to the, yeah, you're in Hoboken. That's fine. I'll hop on the path. Yeah, wasn't there at times where somebody would text you like, they're in Jersey or really far away? You're like, I think I just have to go. It's like, yeah, there's no, I can't not go.

to an hour away New Jersey if somebody's inviting me there. Yeah, I would also, I would also do that. I think I one time took a ferry to New Jersey for somebody. And I'm trying to make a cool, like, oh, yeah, I'm just here, you know, what's up? Yeah.

I was near the ferret. I have to be near the different state that I'm in. You're also an upstate New Jersey? Damn, that's Joe. It took me an hour and a half to get here. What's Gucci? I have this NJ transit card. I hardly ever use it.

So this is actually a pretty good opportunity. It is 1.11 a.m. though. So like, are you going to stay out for much longer than that? That was kind of my M.O. It was like very, very high effort, like internal work with a very, very, very laissez-faire external attitude. Hey, what's going on? Yeah. Whatever.

Yeah, we could. I'll meet you up in, I'll meet up in New Jersey, whatever. I don't care. Looking at train times, fairy times. It took a lot of effort to be that effortless. And I was sort of the opposite. I was like, I'll do whatever. But then it comes across as jokey and kind of extreme, like the cocaine joke.

Yeah, interesting. Interesting. So you are cool, but you come across as neurotic. And I am actually neurotic, but I come across as cool. Yeah. It's kind of like how we've said before. I think that you dislike a lot more people than me, but you're very. charming and presentable and nobody thinks that you dislike them and a lot of people think i hate them and

i'm like i'm completely fine and i'm okay with them i don't really hate anybody yeah yeah it's true i hate i hate most people right and i like most people and most people think i hate them and nobody thinks you hate them yeah fascinating interesting no wonder we found each other but if you're listening i like you don't worry you're talking to the person that i emailed about the cocaine or yeah uh Marco Robbie. Yeah, she's definitely listening. Okay, let's take a break and we'll come back with more segments, the only segmented podcast with, I think, five episodes left.

Wow. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Damn right. Helix, your favorite mattress, Jake. You sleep on a Helix? The only mattress that I sleep on. That's right. That's right.

So you must have taken the sleep quiz. It asks you a few simple questions. Go on. Sorry. I was just correcting you said quiz. Yeah, it's a. Just want to make sure the talking points are clear. a little sleep quiz, they ask you how you sleep, and then they sent, sorry, yeah, they do ask you

a few simple questions. Talking points. It's important for the podcast advertisers that you state of the script. You're allowed to improvise, but let's just stick to the points. Well, we both agree that sleep is important, and mattresses are probably the most important part of that equation. So if you go to helixleep.com slash segments, you can get 27% off site wide. 27. Not bad. Yeah, you just make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. That's HelixSleep.com slash segments. Segments. Take that quiz, get a mattress.

Test. And sleep. Sleep, yeah, sleep better. Thank you, Helix. Thank you. And we're back. Yo. I was searching my Gmail for emails from our old agent because nothing funnier

than how seriously we took things that never panned out 12 years ago. And this is a perfect embodiment of it. My email, our agent, shared agent, emailed just me in 2015. Hey, dude, this feels low, but any interest. And it's an email from some Kellogg's PR person. Please find a social media offer for Amir Blumenfeld for a campaign for Frosted MiniWewee.

They are offering a mere $500 for the post, and I think we can go up. Please let me know. He will have to post it via their app, and they can explain it in detail if he opts in. And so I reply, for just one tweet, yeah, I'll probably do it for $500. But if we can get up to $1,000, that would be grand, cheeky. One grand, yeah. The other agent weighs in. I love mini, I love mini wheat.

And I go, cool, $1,000. in a box of mini wheat's for and then I say his name and then he responds okay I got him up to $800 we'll work on the box for the other agent and the other agent

goes says pass I need the weets and then the other agent says Amir can we close for $800 they need the post by Saturday and I said yeah just let me know to tweet and then 11 attachments

about the influencer program, what the tweet should be, how to tweet it, when to do it, approval, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. The guy responds, did I get my weets? And I said, I'll send you some. What's your address? And he goes, ha, ha, never mind. And then I just say, okay, can I tweet this like normal or do I have to do it via their Kellogg's app? Because nobody ever explained this to me.

And then our agent said, just tweet it like normal. and I said, it is done. And then I tweeted it. And I looked at the tweet and I guess I deleted it later. So that was 15 emails about a tweet about frosted mini-weets in which they negotiated in my right.

It's not. There's still frosted mini-weat-based tweet cash floating around. Then again, this was 2015. So I don't really know if that's true. I guess it's all over. There was this magical time where every brand thought that like the key to unlocking

like all of their profits was a tweet or an app or a mobile site and we just went in there and we told them that that was true. We said, yes. I have to tweet about it. Serial will go through the roof if 911 of my followers view this tweet that nobody will like so that Twitter will suppress it and nobody will see because that's not how the algorithm I can turn an AMPM gas station into a freaking Sonoco, okay? I will make you the McDonald's of gas stations.

Just give me my phone for five minutes and you're a billionaire, sir. Honestly, $800 is a pretty good deal. I'll probably still do it again, but nobody's really asking me anymore. Didn't you also realize that the tweets didn't move the needle? Yeah. Yeah, not a good return on their investment for the 800. bucks um i mean i guess we still do this to an extent with um podcast advertising but it's a lot more effective and and they've uh they've rained in the spending a bit more too yeah everyone's very

tight these days because they realize they shouldn't be just spending indiscriminate although they are spending more money on tv commercials so like if you think those are worth it then maybe if you appeal to kids i think all this stuff is way more like measurable now though like you can actually see like they're they're just they are stealing the data of everything we do so they're seeing when they dump money into things that it results in spending i feel like the days of right that like indiscriminate like whatever yeah we have a mobile site um we talked wait was it on this on the podcast or on our patreon where we talked about how much money we made from bickardi i think that was patreon because we watched the bickarty get together videos yeah well if you guys

want to hear the Bacardi saga. That's a really good one. Amira and I were both shocked to see how much money we made. Although that's like the complete up. This was like, will you tweet one thing once? And the Bacardi thing is, will you shoot and release 10 episodes of Jake and Amir? It was like three months of work about Bacardi and do it as actual Jake and Amir episode. So instead of a Jake and Amir episode this week about you shitting yourself, it's actually called the Baccarty. Carty get-together project, and Jake has to say that we don't get together much anymore. And that Picardy, like, not even adjusting for inflation. For what they offered us then, I would do it again in a heartbeat now.

Yeah, because I think selling out is more understandable now that. Yeah, I guess we've already done it for a long time, too. Yeah. You also used to get those, the Uber Bucks. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. There was something where you could. could tweet about Uber and they would give you credit.

It was like some kind of influencer. Competing with Lyft. Yeah, it was like an influencer program that our friend who worked at Uber got you into. So you never, you didn't pay for like a cab for a year, I think. Yeah, that was kind of awesome. They're like every time you tweet, every time you take an Uber, will you tweet about it so that like we win the market share over Lyft and we'll give you Uber credit to do it? Yeah.

That actually makes sense for them. Yeah, it was great for, I mean, it was great for me because I was getting rides with you all the time. You would just like, we'd be in an Uber, you'd tweet and they'd give you like $100 in your account. Did you ever side with Lyft or Uber or are you sort of agnostic slash you don't really take those anymore? I don't really take them, but now I think it, yeah, I have them both and I usually price compare, but only if one of them is like wildly out of like my, you know, what I think it should be. So if it's a, if it's like, In a range, I'm like, oh, that's fine.

I'll request it. But I use Lyft a lot more because they have the city bike integration. Which is? And I take city bikes everywhere. Instead of having like the city bike app or like the little fob thing, you just, you open up a lift. You press the bike and you can scan the QR code on the bike. And that is through Lyft the app. Through Lyft and I'm charged through Lyft.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And you could just steal one of the bikes, not return it and it probably wouldn't ever find out, right? You can even sell the bike. deal that. No, I don't think you could because I think it's like, you can sell a city bike because it's like in the system. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they all have serial numbers. I'm just curious if there's a way to make, because the serial cash has dried up on my end. And I'm wondering if there's a world where we go into business because you already have the Lyft app. Right. I feel like we

know that I'm the one risk money creating content than stealing bikes. Usually bikes. I was going to say stealing not city bikes. Oh, you want to just steal bikes. Like, is there a place where people give the neighborhood the benefit of the doubt more like there's not a lot of robbery in this area of Brooklyn or Manhattan so I'll leave my bike unattended or unlocked that's when we would go in take the bike I don't even want to use steal because that's illegal but we would take or borrow the bike and then sell it that that's illegal and then that's not our bike anymore oh why are you coming after me that's interesting that person that person has your bike no I I don't where's the bike I took it I bought I sold it yeah I didn't steal it I sold it I sold it

your honor yes exactly yeah is there a crime called uh taking and stealing or not stealing not you fucking have me saying it taking and selling not stealing second hand i don't even have thrifting i don't even have this i don't have to take it yeah you can meet me at the bike or if you like i can sign your bike like i took it and sold it and i i'm willing to give you a profit share they can yeah yes exactly they share in the profits and it might not be It might not be market value, but it's street value for the bike. And you can put that cash that you've earned through consigning your vehicle into the market and watch it grow. And that's actually over time going to be way more meaningful than having a fucking bicycle.

I mean, come on. So you see an unlocked bike and you post on Craigslist. I have 30 minutes to sell this bike. You never say that it's yours. You have the person meet you there. you sell it for incredibly under market value. Right. You could even say free bike.

There's like a Craigslist free, a Facebook free, and then somebody comes. But then they show up and they think it's going to be free. Yeah. And you're just like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to listen to this free, 20 bucks. Like, I have diabetes if that changes anything. Yeah, and it should. I'm using the bike to stand is the only thing.

Yeah, but you can have the bike for 20 bucks. And then you didn't steal, you didn't even take. you just brokered a deal between two semi-willing parties. 20 quid, mate. Are you really bollick? You're being thick, lad. Crikey. This is if the guy notices that you sold his bike.

Yeah, then you just say, oh, are you being daft? Yeah, no, I'm not being daft. That bike cost me $1,100 yesterday, and you sold it for 20 pounds. Currency I can't even use. Cheerio! And then you sprint away. Yeah. And he can't chase you because ultimately he doesn't have the bike anymore. That's right. That's right. I don't know. There's something there there.

There's a there there. As this podcast winds down, I wonder if there's other ways for us to sort of squeeze and circumnavigate the financial system so that we can still get paid without necessarily having to work. Yeah, right. I mean, the best way to do it. I want passive income, basically. Well, that's not very passive because it involves. work yeah that's a ton of work the best thing to do would be to kind of hire other people like a horde of minions yeah like the listeners to this podcast would become if they all did that and every time you made 20 bucks yeah and you'd give us 10% actually fuck it 50% because like I'm not your idea against myself yeah yeah it's RIP it's RIP and in this in this economy IP is so

important it's king basically yeah it's so important you could say you can RIP if you don't have IP do you know what I mean exactly yeah without like something to point the people to, you're kind of dead. So like the fact that we have this system, this proprietary art that people have to buy into in kind. So for $1,500, we'll give you the entire plan. That's the- It's basically an algorithm. Yeah, that's the bike theory. We have a few other things involving fruit and vegetables at farmers market. But that's proprietary. We can't even discuss that yet. You can pay for access to that plan. Yeah, it is basically taking the free fruit that they give you because they're like, can I try this.

Yeah, it's like samples, but you can putting it into a grab bag or like almost like it's a block baggy. It's all chopped up. If you get enough people, you can get all of the watermelon. It's almost like a fruit salad that you can sort of chop together and sell. I think you reconstruct it. If you create like a fruit salad stand, I don't even want to give the whole thing away because this is what people are buying into, the $1,500. Well, this is, you know, I think you can give a, it will give you the fruit salad. Why don't you keep talking? Because people do need to buy in.

People, I'm saying, I think that you should keep on pitching because you are, you're a fountainhead of shit like this. This is an aqua higher situation. Do you want the guy that thought of the farm stand consignment? Do you want the guy that thought of the bike resale? You'll have access to me through Jake. That's right. You can always text. You do not talk to him here.

I have access to, you buy access to me and I have the access to. And so for 2,500, that's $1,500 for the fruit for the bike theory. And then I have a few other theories that involve radio shacks that are going. at a business and i'll let you know and i'll let you know about them because you'll have to talk to him through me you can take that you could create the cash and then you can let jake know for access to jake it's a thousand dollars that gives you the access to the but not the control to the bike but not the control not the control you don't control me you have access to me yeah obviously for a control tier that's a closer to five 10 000 i don't want to talk about that yet because those numbers are

intimidating to people yeah but i want to be at a world where people are stealing fruit for me they're intimidating or they're aspirational like you can you can aquire to access and then you can level up to gain control exactly and the more people underneath you working for you like if you have 10 people working on the fruit theory and I really even hesitate to call it the fruit theory yeah it's more of a fruit salad plan the way you steal and sell the fruit uh suddenly everything funnels up towards yeah it goes from you to me it's a rising it's a rising tie straw yeah A straw with a smoothie as it gets slurped up to me. I drink your smoothie.

And I just need a thousand people giving me $1,000 a year to be a millionaire. So fucking bad. Yeah. And that's not that crazy to think about because there's 400 million Americans. Wait, dude, you're getting swatted. You're getting swatted right now. Right now. Oh, no, they're out of my door.

Undo the fruit thing. That wasn't me. That was my minion. That's barely even my IP. It's Jake's. Get them. Get them. I have access to him.

I'll talk. I'll fucking squeal like a pig if you let me go. I swear to God I will. Let's take a break. Let's take another break. Yeah. That was a lot. Got scared.

And we're back. Okay. We sort of. steamrolled through two pretty loose segments, but why don't we end it with something a little more structured? I honestly like the loose segments. They make me feel free. Okay. Here's one. These are just some questions that I'm pulling from Ask Reddit. This is what people, what's on people's minds today? Somebody named Fast Figure asks, what sucks the most about being you? Amir, holy shit.

Yeah. He's asking it to me specifically. He's asking it to everybody and you and I get to comment on it. Well, I will say probably recently it's my back issue, which I inherited, I think, from you. They are contagious, yeah. It really doesn't make sense. That is also, it's fascinating because that's going to, that was going to be my answer. Oh, really?

But let's hear about your back because mine. You turned 40 and then my back started hurting. That's interesting. Do you realize that that's kind of bizarre? Mine feels good, knock on wood. Yeah, I'm knocking for you through me. That's the stressful thing about a back, back issues. They used to arise every like two years from me.

I would have like a flare up. A flare up and I would be in a lot of pain. But then the last flare up has been like a wavy little journey where like there have been a flare up. Sometimes it's like once a month. Yeah. mini flares that are very annoying uncomfortable they don't knock you out forever yeah yeah for the first time in my life i bent down to pick something up and when i went upright it felt like god tased me yeah like uh us an electric seizure that it's as though i tried to lift the heaviest thing in

the world and pulled my back but instead i just bent over with no weight at all it makes me think was i just a fucking ticking time bomb and the next thing i was going to bend up would happen or did I do it in a very peculiar, specific one in a thousand bendover style way that got me? I mean, I bet it's a little bit of a combination. Like, you're, I think you were primed to go. You were primed to go. It probably wasn't one in a thousand. But I bet there was lots of like common bending that you were doing that your body was used to.

But then just didn't want to handle one extra twist. It was the straw that broke the camel's me. Yeah. So I bent over and it seized up. And I was like, oh, oh, oh. This was in a public restroom, so I was just like stuck sort of there. Yeah, at a restaurant. I'm like, I can't move.

I can't bend. I'm stuck. I had to like waddle back. I texted Avatal. I'm like, I think I'm stuck in the bathroom. Help. Come get me. I can't move.

I can't walk. I eventually waddled back to the restaurant. Had to get on a flight in three hours after that. No. Waddled home and then spent the rest of my day slash night into the next day, sort of just in bed, heating my back to get loose enough to be able to walk again. Jesus Christ. I didn't realize you were in public and had to get on a plane.

Did you have like the spasms when you were in the air? Yeah, it was spasms all the time. It was just the way things went. And I still don't fully understand why it happened, but you were able to coach me through the things that I should do. So I did end up getting an x-ray to rule out any spinal issue. Then they said it was probably some sort of, you know, like muscular thing where the muscles contract or get spasmed or strained, kind of like a strained quad or hand. string, but in my back. So I'm going to try to go to physical therapy tomorrow and see if they have any tips

or tricks to stretching slash strengthening the area so that it doesn't happen again. Yeah, I already know what they're going to give you. It's the hit bridges. It's the clamshells. It's the dead bugs, the bird dogs, and the pale off press. I could fucking do it for you right now. But if I had done that beforehand, would I have avoided it or is this kind of stuff just inevitable?

Because you do all this stuff and your back still hurts too. No, I mean, I do all this stuff, and it keeps it at bay. I think what's frustrating for me is that, like, I do all of this stuff, but it's, it's like, it's basically to stay one step ahead of it. It feels like I can never create a delta between me and the back pain. And then some people don't do anything, and they're fine. Yeah, some people just have. And that was me. When I'm in an episode of, like, my back flaring up, I will just, like, look at people on the street and I'll look at them walking and like, wow, their backs don't hurt.

at all look at oh look at this guy he's just walking normal he is oh my god he bent so terribly you should bend from your legs or you'll hurt your ah just yelling at you for giving you a tip sort of threw my back out yeah but and i also like i've now i've seen so many different pts and like one of the last ones i saw was like you know they tell you like there's the right ways to bend and stuff but really your body is supposed to be bendy like everything's supposed to be moving you should be able to bend you look at like elite athletes you're and nobody's lifting up a shoebox and they're doing a dead squat and going up vertically your body's supposed to be able to do like little things like that you should be able to bend over and grab something that you dropped

on the ground without like pausing setting yourself yeah yeah but i i think like and the way to do that is by keeping yourself limber i do think i bet your hammies were real tight i think you're yeah they still are like yeah now that's That tightness, that strain is being felt in my hamstrings more than anything. Yeah. Once your body's moving better, you'll be able to get some really nice deep stretching. And FaceTime me. I'll take you through my morning mobility routine.

Anyway, that's my answer. I mean, I think that's mine too. I think that's mine too. I don't think anything else sucks about being me. I guess it's, I... Or at least sucks that bad. The taking the trash, the recycling, and... the paper recycling out every Thursday is kind of my sole job.

Like, I don't split that with anybody. Every other thing that happens in the house is sort of like shared. Actually, I'm sure Jill does a lot that I don't have anything to do with. But that's one that I really hate doing, but I also feel like I would be upset if anybody else did it. I'd be like, no, I was going to do that. I feel some kind of like ownership, but I also really hate doing it. I'll, like, come home late on Thursday and be like, oh, fuck, I forgot. I have to take everything out and replace the bags.

Do you have to slice boxes? I break them down as they come in, yeah. But I have to, there are some weeks that are box-heavy, and you have to store a few downstairs, and then they have to come up. They've got to go in the bag. Sometimes the bag tears. Sometimes you need two. They need to be clear.

And that probably hurts your back, too, lifting, bending, pulling, stretching, breaking down. It doesn't feel great. No, no. In fact, I might pass the buck on because I feel like Jill doesn't do enough. She should at least do the recycling. Oh, man. We shouldn't ask her about cooking. I don't want to do that either. I think she does a lot of that. Okay, what's the next question?

One second. Here it is. Oh, well, also I want to read some answers. The top answer. I'm just lonely as fuck. Okay. It's nice to read other people's misery. It makes you feel a little bit better about your own. Yeah, because I just. I said that I didn't like taking out the garbage. And the second answer is getting used by people you thought were friends. Yeah, sort of crippling depression in situations that are untenable and unsustainable. It's a lot worse than that.

I'm 47, a virgin and still single, not ideal. Right. You don't want that either. But if you're at the bottom, there's no way to go but up. Having lupus, chronic back pain, and joint pain and depression. I have one of those. Yeah. Yeah.

Just lupus then probably for you. Yeah. Right. We got unemployment. We have chronic migraines and IBS. Obviously bad. Okay. You know what Avital tried for back pain that helped her?

Tell me. I don't know if I ever told you this. Fasting. Oh, yeah. I have, I've heard things like that. But I mean, I think that could, it's like fasting and or changing your diet. Like you might just be eating inflammatory foods. Yeah.

But fasting. after some research, she found out that fasting, after a certain amount of days, like your body starts eating bad cells in your body. Oh, interesting. And makes you feel better. Wow. The hard part is not eating for three days. Yeah.

But if the result is a pain-free existence, it might be worth it. Did she fast for three days? Yeah. So it was very helpful. That seems so hard. So hard. Yeah. Well, you can drink a lot of water and then sneak in some sandwiches here and there as long as

the rest of the time you're fasting you have a breakfast burrito of course that doesn't count yeah i remember i was doing intermittent fasting when we were shooting lonely and horny i think maybe even the first season and i remember midway through i was like i shouldn't do this because it puts me in such a bad mood to not eat i'm angry yeah i was just like on set being like i pissed off i'm like oh this is a really bad way to exist in this moment because you can eat some of the time but not all yeah Maybe if you just have a three-day weekend, you're like, I'm just not going to eat. I've also had a situation where I felt like I was under-eating, and I ate more, and I felt better. So you really, I don't know.

Okay, here's another one. If you woke up today from a 25-year coma, what would be the most unbelievable thing to find out? 9-11, Trump? The Raptors winning a championship. I mean, those are probably the three, and then I guess headgum for the Mount Rushmore, the big four. 9-11 Trump and that we have a Raptors and headgum

Yeah Yeah I think so it's a good point The headgum thing I feel like if you Showed me in 2000 That I was gonna Be successful I would have

Thought that was insane It didn't feel like that could happen Right That's probably Your parents answer too Yeah probably I don't know Does Trump seem that surprising

From like in 2000 If you said Donald Trump is going to be president, I would be like, oh, he's like a rich, famous guy that seems in line with stuff that happens. But he wasn't a politician. Everything was very like, you had to be a governor and then a president. He was just like a real estate guy.

Yeah. I think it probably would have been like, I mean, I feel like the thing that's surprising is that somebody that's as like unhinged and racist as him is the president. But he didn't seem quite, I guess he was always that racist. He didn't seem as unhinged back then. Yeah. Yeah. I think I would have just been like, oh, okay.

I barely knew the difference between, I remember thinking like George Bush and Al Gore. Like, that was the year that like there was that like stalemate and we didn't know who was going to be president. And I remember just thinking like, I don't care. Yeah. Hanging chads. That was the last time ever that I was like, I guess it doesn't really matter to me. I mean, I want Al Gore to win. But if it's the other guy, whatever.

Fourteen. Either way, I'm going to try to fucking find porn. Yeah. So I think I feel like the, maybe FaceTime. That feels like the most like. Futuristic. Yeah, it does to me. Like, because I kind of remember even like the slow creep of it being blown away like when I was in college in a long distance relationship.

And like my girlfriend got a computer that had a built in like. camera where we could like chat and i like went to staples and i got a webcam that i plugged in i was like oh my god we're having a video chat this is insane this is some back to the future too shit yeah so if i was 14 and you showed me like a face time where i could call my mom i would be like this is the future from your electric cars thin phone yeah electric cars are cool uh a thousand a thousand tv channels that nobody watches yeah i guess maybe HDTV anything with a screen all right one last one Okay. What's, this is interesting.

What's the weirdest thing someone has said to you during sex? The weirdest thing? Yeah. I really have a weird thing. I guess I don't either. Let's not, because I literally don't. A lot of these are about sex. That's awesome.

Yeah, okay. Sex. Okay. that's what's your NSFW secret that you're still hiding from everyone that's cool Jesus um no you have 30 oh okay this is good this is for us okay you have 30 seconds to ruin a first date what do you say this is actually perfect because I just wrote I think I sent it to you a few weeks ago I that I wrote a lonely and horny intro okay which I think is the best yeah I think this is the fastest way to ruin it.

I mean, we're professionals at ruining a date in less than a minute. Okay. So what did you write slash what should I say? I can't remember it exactly, but I think it was, you're talking about love languages. Oh, the date says like, what are your, what's your love language? And you say, I don't know, head. What's your love language? I don't know.

ahead either that or like uh acts of service so like i like when my woman breaks down the recycling for me how about sitting down and saying i have cocaine i have it on me ricky is correct it's a plus and i am the guy yeah yeah that sort of would ruin it pretty quickly yeah that could definitely do it follow it up with i'm sorry about that my caps lock was broken that would be a weird thing to say slash do that wouldn't be ideal but yeah lonely and horny is littered with those things yeah i want to see if i can find this script if i can't then we can just cut all of this okay moment of truth god holy shit what will it be what is he searching i found it oh my god fast i searched Shit.

Emails from me to you with attachments. This is, here's a lonely and horny script that will never see the light of day. Ruby, 42, bad, sits at the bar, across from his date, Melinda, late 30s, a decent person. Melinda says, and it's not just about which love language you speak, so we pick up in the middle of the conversation. It's not just about which love language you speak, but about which ones you understand. And Ruby says, I can't believe there's a whole language I've never heard of. And I'm already bilingual. Plus, I'm learning French.

And that she says, yeah, you mentioned that a lot. And you say, we. Melinda then says, but as to you love languages, what do you think yours are? You say, it's tough. I guess mine would be head. She says what? Not having listened at all to the five languages. Just what?

And then you say, I was, probably, probably have. She says what? And you say, I was saying, I don't really know. What are yours? And then smooth. But she says, right. So like I said, there are only five acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. And then you interrupt, you say physical touch for me, 100%.

And then, I literally hate the other words. 100%. Rubie smiles weekly and puts his hand on Melinda's. She draws her hand away swiftly. Oh, God. Melinda says, minor acts of service and quality time. I love when people show up for me. And then you say, yes, same. I think spending time together, touching and head are my taps. And it ain't that particularly close between those three. one is pretty far ahead if you know what I'm saying any ending there let's see so she says then it continues

Melinda says head isn't a love language and then you say it's an active service and it's quality and Good Dome is a gift I think Falacio has it all the French call an orgasm little death but to me, there's nothing deadly about it. And she says, right, how do you say little death in French? And then Ruby says, the parenthetical is bad French laugh.

So I say, oh, ha, ha, suck my blue. I haven't learned that one in duolingo. I broke my streak last year, and I haven't had the heart to open the app. And then I guess we keep on going. Melinda says, so you're not really learning French. Ruby says, not much for words of affirmation, are you, Melinda? Lo, below. And then she says, well, you don't need words of affirmation, right?

You mostly care about receiving oral sex. And you say, and giving it, but only in return. Only in return, Melinda. Nothing in life is free. The French have a saying for it, they call it La Dolce Vita. And that's where it is. Ah, Ruby, you fool. Yeah, you really, we found another character that you can just,

You can almost stream of consciousness, write him, because he's always horny and awful. He says, lowers things imaginable, but always. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for indulging. We appreciate it. We always have your back.

Let us know about the fruit thing. Let us know about the bike thing. If you want to join us in that venture. And if you want more of us, we're recording some bonus segments on our Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash J-J-A. That's right. Yeah, we got some stories there, us trying to figure out a crossword puzzle or two.

It's been fun. Let's get into it. Adding a Monday release into that content bucket. So enjoy that too. Yeah, let us know what you want to see. We are willing to listen. Yeah, that one's a video. So you can watch us there.

And we'll be back next Monday, y'all, for now. All right. Bye. Bye. some original.