If I Were You - 92: Blind Rank

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

In this episode we discuss hot sauces, long pees, and Jake’s old hobbies.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. But then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts. Won't last it's effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Another podcast Each app different from the last It's the Swiss army nightbook shows

Now let's you two pathetic hosts Well Well well well Four episodes to go Is that true? You keep guessing and I'm not really sure I think it might be I'm actually yeah I'm not you're right

It might be like five. I'm not positive myself. This is the 25th. Yeah. So then there's the first. Yeah. And then the eighth and then the 15th. I think that is four.

So this is the on the Mount Rushmore of last episodes left. Yeah. That's a big deal. Yeah. Basically. It's a big fucking deal. One month left until we don't have to talk to each other anymore. Probably ever, but maybe at least for a decade.

Yeah. Well, I mean, we're still going to do. the Patreon twice a week. So I think we'll be talking to each other, frankly, the exact same amount. Really? Okay. If you get something in the mail from me, promise me you won't open it until... So I opened that yesterday.

Fuck my ass. Yeah. A severed horsehead. Yeah. She's pretty messed up. I didn't think we were going to talk. Yeah. And honestly, I cut it super close.

Yeah, you did. Because at the very least, we'd have four more. episodes left so like what's the point I think you got giddy you jumped the gun the hard part was finding a seahorse that small that it would fit in the little envelope nice that's disgusting come on grow up what's the biggest animal you've ever murdered uh does a glue trap for finding a mouse count yeah it does okay so probably like a hippo I went big game hunting in uh South Africa on Safari right yeah I can see the I can see your taxidermy trope behind you.

You're the guy that killed Cecil the lion, right? For my anniversary, I want to go big game hunting with Avital. And she's like, she's pretty pro animal. So it's, it's an uphill battle for me to drag her and like having her kill a moose or something. Yeah, but she doesn't have to kill it. It would actually be perfect for her because she could see the animals and then she'll shut her eyes as you kill them. The thing is, we're just helping control the pet population in those certain areas. Like, those animals need to be killed in order for the other animals to survive.

That's really smart. Yeah. Is that their defense? I think I've heard something like that, yeah. Cool. And honestly, I mean, I guess it makes sense. I'm not an animal tition. Like, you tell me what's good.

I'm sure the antelopes appreciate it. Exactly. What am I going to get mad when a lion kills a zebra? Then why are you mad when I choke out the neighborhood cat? good stuff it is sometimes funny i think about how carefully i deal with luke's health situation and then also there's just this orange cat that lives on the street that looks great and fine i'm like yeah that cat eats garbage just do they have diarrhea because i spent a lot on medicated food for luke and he's still not doing too hot so like how is that cat i'm cooking rice for my dog

But this robust cat is absolutely thriving on the trash. The Heathcliff diet when you just walk around. And by the way, the coyotes are everywhere. This cat seems to be fine with that too, even though they say lock up your animals because there's coyotes around. This cat's fucking fatter than ever chilling on my front stoop. Do you consider him your cat? No, because I think he retreats into a house somewhere around here. So it's like an outdoor cat that belongs to somebody.

So you don't feed that cat? I don't feed the cat. Okay. Okay. At least not our purpose. Yeah. I do throw out a lot of cat food, so maybe he finds his weight of my trash can more often than not. Yeah, because Luke's diet for his stomach is catnip, right?

Is discarded cat food, yeah. Yeah. Leftover cat food from this cat. This is segments, the only podcast that literally has four episodes left. That's right. I'm taking, borrowing, stealing this segment idea from the, TikTok Instagram Reels universe so I don't know if you've seen it before it's kind of like ranker but it's a it's a blind rank so I throw items at you and you have to rank them without

knowing what's coming up next what's coming next yeah yeah I have seen this because the the admin for the Tottenham Instagram I think is plugged in so every single meme online yeah I have seen but through the soccer players doing it okay yeah and what were they ranking when you saw the video um i think they were ranking like best soccer players of all time got it okay so this is like that but i opened it up to anything in the world yeah okay anything so i'm gonna give you 20 20 things and you have to blind rank them and i'll write them down so you can see how your list is at the end of the list okay wow so it's anything in the world like swimming and jewism yeah yeah yeah it's all over the place got it yeah okay okay ready i'm in my i'm in

Intrigued. Yeah. Okay, first one. Let's start it off. Oh, and I should say you can play at home. Let's start it off kind of simply. An umbrella. An umbrella.

I'm going to go pretty low on umbrella because I don't even use them myself. Like when it's raining, I just kind of go out loose into the world. Really? I don't care. What if it's pouring? If it's pouring, then I'll find a way to not go into the rain. I see. You won't find.

me walking down the street with an umbrella. Do you have an umbrella? Yeah, we have several umbrellas. You need them. Jill collects them. Yes, of course. And Gemma has a little umbrella. And the only reason I might go up is because one, I don't know if you're going to put

something really fucked up on this list that I would have to go. Evil at the end. Yeah. Like if I'm going to end up ranking like Nazis 19 and umbrellas 20, that's that stands. That's legal. That'd be a, yeah, that would be a gotcha. Journalism moment, yeah. So I'll put umbrellas at 18, actually.

They're going to go up one because a beach umbrella is kind of nice. Though I'm a new convert to the Shibumi shade. Oh my God. We have 19 more. Have you heard about these? Have you seen these? I assume it's like a hut or a tent or something. Oh, no.

It's a single pole that goes, that arches across the sand. and then draped in that almost like a curtain is a sheer wall of fabric that lifts in the breeze and it blows like a like a horizontal flag and creates a spot of shade on the sand they're pretty neat Legos 12 12 wow that was so fast we heard you wax about shade you obviously don't want to engage with me on shit So, yeah, 12. I mean, they're nice. Legos are pretty good. I don't have a relationship with them anymore, but some nostalgia for them, for sure.

So 12 for Legos. I think so. A croissant. Ooh, that's high. That's high. I mean, it's up there with... Legos. Potentially...

And the Shibububi's shade. Is Shabubi on this list? I mean, it could be. It's my... favorite food, I think. It's really up there with my favorite foods. My favorite might be mac and cheese, but they are neck and neck. Have you ever had a cheese croissant? Of course I've had a cheese croissant. I've had a ham and cheese croissant. I've had a chocolate croissant. I've had an almond croissant and I've had a Zatar spice croissant. So I've had them all. I've had the ball. Those are

all of them. That's every possible one. There's only five croissants on earth and I've had a The croissants I don't like either. Like I have been to Paris and I've gone to the Mecca. I've gotten like the croissants. And then I've also just, I'll enjoy the Starbucks croissant. What about like a Starbucks on 7th Avenue, you know? What about like a saran wrapped croissant that tastes like a roll at the airport or something? I've also had something like that in like when we're flying through Iceland or Spain.

Yeah. You know, they're not good chrassons, but they remind you of. because they're the shape of a croissant even though they're not actually legally a croissant i'll go croissants four wow pretty high yeah uh okay dandruff dandruff now i'm sure you know that i've struggled with dandruff i am a dry guy you're an oily man you do you care to share that with everybody that you're oily I have an oily tea zone to be sure but my scalp because I've been shampooing less than less can become dry as well as well as beer dandruff let's not forget beer dandruff yeah beer dandruff that one is real that one is real and I have the nervous

tick of rubbing my beard often yeah you ever scratch your chin and like you're in the light at a certain way and it's like oh my god I didn't realize how much dead skin is just falling out of my yeah Yeah, I'll do that like when I'm... When it's cold an hour. Yeah. And actually when I drive with the croissant, I kind of exit the car with my chest covered in dandruff from the beard from scratching. And then my gut covered in croissant crumbs. But the croons, I don't mind because they're...

They're just part of my aura. And the dandruff messes with my... Riz. Okay. I think I like my dance. What did I rank umbrellas? 18. 18?

Wow. I now I kind of feel like you're going to come at me with some really fucked up ones, though. So dandruff, while I don't like it, it's manageable. And I have a shampoo that I use that keeps it at bay. And I even have a proprietary beard oil that helps if I remember put it in. so I'll put I'll put dandruff above umbrellas at 17 so you prefer dandruff to umbrellas I think so it's it's more manageable less cumbersome I can hide it with a hat I can't hide an umbrella with a hat I've always said that a solid dog poop after some diarrhea um that doesn't

really track for me at all you don't seem to care I imagine that's really satisfying with ding I dingo has a pretty good gut i think i've seen him have diarrhea like once or twice in like three years of hanging out with him or maybe two years i guess he's only we've he's yeah he's two wait has it been three years i think we've had him for three years happy anniversary dingo this is right around our um our his the time that we got him wow um but yeah you know what i actually researched recently because around my neighborhood there's a lot of signs that say don't let your dog poop here like no poop or pee zone be respectful uh no poops you're on camera but they're all in kind of this like there you know that little like square strip of of grass and dirt on the new

york city streets yeah i like searched to see who actually owns that and it's not technically the homeowners it's public property yeah it's maintained by the city or I mean, it's not really maintained by anybody. Some people plant little gardens, and I don't want Danko to poop on their gardens. But, like, some people just have, like, dirt and debris in it. And it's like, I'm going to pick up the poop. It seems fine if he shits here. Also, dogs really love pissing on signs that say, don't piss on this sign.

And then it's like, oh, somebody does a dog pissed on that sign. I'm going to piss on that sign. And nothing makes dogs want to pee more than that sign. Right. It's how they talk to each other. So anyway, I. I think because he has a pretty reliable gut, I don't really mind any about this poop stuff. An occasional diarrhea.

So I'll just put that at like, yeah, I'll put it at 15. Okay, a solid dog poop. Yeah. Okay. A long bike ride on an autumn day. 19. Oh, my God. You knew that there was a Faustian bargain at the end of that.

No, I like, I, yeah, love my long bike rides. I if I'm being indulgent I actually prefer them on hot days because I like to be sweaty but a nice crisp sunny autumn day where I can get hot and not overheat and go on a long ride maybe up the Farmington canal shout out to Connecticut that seems pretty good I'll put it at five below croissant yeah because I'm usually riding my bike to earn that delicious croissant I was walking the dogs the other day and one of them pooped in a neighbor's driveway and some guy like just from across the street

I guess owned the property. He's like, can you make sure your dog doesn't poop on my yard? I'm like, oh, sorry. He's like even if he's not pooping like other dogs smell the pee and like try to like poop on the pee. I'm like, okay. Where do you think dogs poop and pee, sir? Like this is all, they're not going to do it in the middle of the street.

It's all somebody's driveway That's where they poop and pee Like there's no other place Unless I like lift them up and bring them to a public park They're gonna all every neighborhood dog Hoops and Bees on your driveway, yes That's you got me But every other dog is gonna do that

Wait and one of the dog was peeing or pooping I think peeing and he's like can you make sure your dog doesn't poop on my driveway I'm like he's not he's just peeing He's like yeah because even if you just pee's like other dogs want to like use that area as a toilet yep that's what to do they use that area as a toilet they go outside yeah that's you know what can you really do you just have to be respectful what about like you're gonna pee your poop there if you can clean it up then that's like sometimes I feel bad that's all you can ask if a dog pee's on like a car's wheel do you feel bad about that a car's wheel

not really the like that's pee is fine so yeah he's really not a big deal yeah I think yeah no I I I wouldn't really think twice about it I've seen he's tried to pee on like a motorcycle that's got one of those like tarps over it and I that's where I drew the line you're like because that guy's gonna have to put their yeah that's yeah that's like cloth that's gonna stain yeah that guy has to touch it um what about like a couple having a picnic are you okay with them like getting pissed on a little bit actually the last week uh a dog came over, I put my, I was, took dingo to the park. This is like early in the morning before they, they have like, dogs don't have to have leashes on early in the morning before, I think it's before

8 a.m. That's really dangerous. That's really dangerous. Yeah. It's, New York City off leash hours. And they're lovely and the dogs can run around and play. And it's not that crowd in the park near me. So I brought my, I brought like the chucker, thrown dingo the ball. And I was like kind of, of swinging my legs and doing some stretches while he was running around. So I had like my keys on my phone and I was wearing a hat, but like all of that was getting cumbersome. So I took my keys, my phone, and I put him inside my hat along with Dingo's dog leash. And I kind of just put it on the ground. And I was stretching my legs out and just kind of like swinging my arms, cracking my shoulders. And a dog came around behind me, just lifted his leg and pissed

directly in my hat on everything. Everything wet. Yeah, just like full on marking my hat. But it was it was cradling all of my shit. It was the most inconvenient thing for me to have put there for this dog to piss in like a little toilet. Did you look at the dog's owner? It was like, hey, your dog pissed on my hat. God damn it.

The guy like ran over and like, like, and pulled and was like yelled the dog's name and apologized to me but I was like I mean it's I was asking for that it looked like a toilet he was asking for hat I put my hat right on the ground yeah I that's the type of shit the dogs do they love that and I was kind of like I was I felt like it was safe because I was near it so nobody could steal it but I wasn't really thinking of a dog just walking over and casually pissing in it oh Zempic um I don't care about it at all so I guess it's kind of neutral I'll do 14 I guess it's it's good that it exists for some people who need it what are you trying to say like I'm on

diet discipline are you on it you have a Zempic face I have a ozempic teeth in that every one of my teeth is a GLP1 inhibitor and I just pop them out and take it like a fucking cyanide capsule. And guess what? My craving to eat food, to gamble, to fight is muted a little bit for that day. I guess I could do it for like my cell phone addiction. That would be interesting. Yeah. And I guess it has other pretty big anti-inflammatory health benefits beyond just the curtailing of food. So maybe we should take it actually. Yeah, I guess it's like the more people study it, the more it shows like other, the side effects are all somewhat beneficial. That's fascinating.

Obviously not, all the side effects. I do battle inflammation. Right. That's what I'm saying. Did you try the fast that I recommended last week? It was a three-day water fast. Yeah, no, I did not. Let's take a break.

Let's take a break. You have to sit and think about that. Yeah. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. damn right helix your favorite mattress Jake you sleep on a helix the only mattress that I sleep on that's right that's right so you must have taken the sleep quiz it asks you a few simple test go on sorry I was just correcting you said quiz yeah it's a I want to make sure the talking points are clear it's a little sleep quiz they ask you how you sleep and then they said

sorry sorry yeah they do ask you sure you stick to the simple questions talking points it's important for the podcast advertisers that you stayed at the the script you're allowed to improvise, but let's just stick to the points. Well, we both agree that sleep is important, and mattresses are probably the most important part of that equation. So if you go to helixleep.com slash segments, you can get 27% off site wide. 27. Not bad. Yeah. You just make sure you enter our show name after checkout, so they know we sent you. That's helix sleep.com slash segments. Segments. Take that quiz, get a mattress. Test.

And sleep, yeah, sleep better. Thank you, Helix. Thank you. And we're back. Right. We mentioned earlier that the podcast is ending the Patreon survives. We were able to do a coupon code for the Patreon for those of you who want to test the waters. Whoa.

How does 50% off sound? That's way too deep. You did not run that by me. That is not an okay number. We are. Instead of $5 for the first month if people are interested. It's not.

Yeah. Well, what if they buy it for the fucking year? Yeah. You thought about that? Maybe I honestly don't know how this works. I just know that I set it to the coupon code is segment, which should give you 50% off your purchase of our Patreon. Wow.

Baller. Baller. And keep in mind, there are, what, seven years of backlog at this point? Yeah, there's hundreds of videos at this point. So you can always just get it for one month, download, scrape and download everything using a third-party app and then create like a terabyte hard drive,

an external hard drive and just watch that. Yeah. And you can upload that to like some kind of like a list of file sharing like place. So for 250 you can basically financially ruin us. Yeah, exactly. High-res, high-deaf.

Finding a $100 bill on the ground. That doesn't do anything for me. I'm not motivated by cash. I would actually be more excited to find a croissant on the ground. You realize with money, you can buy lots of croissons. Is that true? Okay, I'll do that three then. How do you think money works?

Have you been stealing croissants? Have I done 13? I'll do 13. That seems fine to find cash, but 100 doesn't move the needle. But $100, that's pretty exciting. Have you ever found a Hyundai? No, definitely not. I found it 20 before, and I'm pretty sure I was very excited.

Yeah. But you're still putting it below Legos. Yeah, because I don't know. That's just like, it's cool, but inflation this day and age. What can you do with $100? I mean, it's better than Osama. Buy lunch for three days. So right now, your 12 to 15 is stacked.

Legos, finding $100 bill, OZempic, a solid dog boop. 16 is blank. 17 is dandruff 18 umbrella and then in the top five you have blank blank blank at one two three croissant in a long bike ride okay i like yeah my middle is definitely a little off because i don't it seems like i like ozempic more than my dog having a healthy bio yeah which isn't right but what are you going to do it's blind i can't yeah i can't go back correct okay how about this one Cologne. Not interested.

God, it might even be 19. I act like it makes me feel a little ill. Interesting. But I'm going to reserve 19 and 20 for something really bad. I think I'll put it at 16. Okay. But it does nothing for me and I actively dislike it. Down there with dandruff and dare I say umbrellas.

I think it is, I think it all started when I was 13 or 15. 14 and I maybe 15 I got drunk for it was my early days of just you know beginning to steal my parents alcohol and drinking 15 is pretty young yeah when I think about it now that I'm 40 especially because jemma's what 14 at this point imagine her doing yeah yeah I was I was hung over it but I had also just started wearing cologne I think it was called cool water and I don't know if I was wearing the real cool water for it was a knockoff from like coals but um I was hungover and I sprayed my cologne on me to like kind of mask the scent and it smelled so bad that it made me throw up like in almost instantaneously because it is kind of alcoholic smelled yeah it's it's just like I don't know yeah it does I feel like you don't people don't smell that bad unless they're like sweating a lot like the natural sense are fine yeah but some people do have like a scent like I always wear this cologne and you're like oh okay that's it could be kind of nice yeah Maybe if it's insanely subtle, insanely subtle.

So much so that nobody realizes it. A Tottenham Hot Spurs game-winning goal. Wow. Game-winning goal, that is, it's euphoric. But I feel like you're baiting me to like rank it above Gemma's first steps or something. There are a few things in the world that give me such delight as a good. Tottenham game winning goal and they're they're few and far between um so when they happen they really do mean a lot um I'll put it at number three all right so now we got

three four five and 12 through 18 and every other slot is available oh man the relief of a long pee the relief of a long pee pee um okay in or out of the potty. Yeah. I think there, that is a really, a really good one. Sometimes I text my sister

because her and I both have small bladders and when we have a really satisfying one, we just text each other the words sweet relief. And we both understand that like the other one had been in a dire situation and got to a potty on time. Add me to that thread. You think so?

I'm usually not a sufferer from that, But I would like to know when your sister has a sweet relief. Yeah. I had to piss in a parking garage yesterday. Would you care to know what happened? Was it a bottle? Was it the just corner of a parking garage? Was it a toilet or a hat that you found, perhaps?

I pissed in my hat. Because I smelled a dog. And I had to mark it as mine. I was at the doctor. and I was, I needed to piss, but I had already been admitted into the room where I was to meet my physician. So I was waiting and I was like, I want to go back out, but I don't want to miss him. It seems like he is busy. I had already waited for 20 minutes.

So I was like, I'm just going to wait. So I waited, saw the doctor, and then they let me out. And I actually had to schedule a follow up, which was taking a little bit longer than I wanted. to and I was like and I really had to piss yeah so I was just like tapping my foot scheduled I was like I didn't even look at my calendar as like I think this is clear and if it's not I'm just gonna have to call later because I have to piss so bad I have to leave and then I'm leaving she's like oh here's I have to pay I pay start leaving she's like wait let me give you your receipt I'm like oh okay she's like this is you need this for your follow up appointment she's like takes it she prints it out she folds it into thirds she takes out an envelope oh not exactly to do that. Do you mind if I reprint? Yeah. Here's the card and this is your receipt. It goes out. It's on another piece of paper. She gets a stapler. She staples it. She's folding it. I'm like just I need to go out into the hallway to the bathroom. I go, I rush out into the hallway where I noticed there were two bathrooms when I walked in. But I see the, I see like one of the first nurses who saw me waiting in a line. There are two, they're both occupied. And I'm like, this is, I can't wait. I cannot wait.

I have to go downstairs and I'll piss in the lobby. So I, I'm like, at this point, I have like tunnel vision. Like, I need to piss so badly. So I press the button. I go down to the first floor and I ask the doorman, like, is there a bathroom? And he says, no. He says that there's one on the second floor. And I already know that there's a line that I don't have time.

And I was like, all right, I'm going to. to go outside and just find a restaurant but I'm like so chill with him like oh no it's all good like don't yeah don't worry about me like it's not an emergency I walk outside and I'm just like I wish I had a camera where is this this is on it's in Sutton Square like 60 60 second in York okay almost the river yeah basically the river like one of those dead end streets where it goes to the FDR drive and I go outside and I'm like I literally just didn't even know what way to turn because everywhere I looked there was just nothing that I like know where I could piss it was too far away. The river was taunting you. I start like kind of walking thinking I might be able

to find a building that I can piss in but there's like people everywhere because it's New York City yeah and then I turn and I'm like oh maybe like the parking garage has a bathroom but I'm just Like, I, like, starting to, like, squirt a little bit in my pants at this point. I'm like, I, if I don't go right now, I'm going to piss my pants. So it's either pissing in public or pissing my pants. It's over. And I just, like, darted into the corner of the parking garage. Wow.

On concrete. On concrete. Right by the opening, right by the sidewalk. People saw you for sure. For sure. But I, I mean, I've seen people piss on the street before. I'm never like, you can't piss there. Right.

It would take a guy talking to a dog. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'm not pissing here because I'm like, because I'm not defiling this sidewalk because I don't give a shit. I'm a man who didn't want to piss in his jeans and I had to do it. Because you get a handcuffed to be arrested. So this, this like the sweet relief thing, it is very real for me, but I do find myself

having to piss all the time so it's not even it's a really familiar feeling it's it wouldn't rank above a Tottenham goal I think it might even be like seven volunteerism what volunteerism it's the idea that you sort of put volunteers with tourists so it's like I'm going to Haiti but I'm there to help um i don't know anything about it i'll put 10 it seems good but i don't know you can see how it could have like a blowback in some way yeah maybe it's just like give everything and help when you want to help and then be on vacation when you want to be on vacation you know right but it seems fine. It seems good. It's not for me. It seems fine. No. Neither is Cologne. Yeah. But it's 10 because it might be for others. Your birthday. Ooh. I don't like my birthday. I don't I don't care for it. Always or

recently? I think pretty much always. I like being around the center of attention. I like being kind of part of the moment, but if I'm the singular focus, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Yeah, you like it. It's like somebody else's birthday, and you're there to celebrate. This is why I always try to plan the family Nantucket trip around my birthday, because then it's kind of like, oh, we're on vacation and I'll get to celebrate my birthday with my family, but I don't have to be like out there in the world being like, today should be all about me. What should we plan? What about your birthday, Instagram? post that is I guess I didn't say that to be nice or you're like this is now an obligation that

you wish you could stop it's um no I found it to be nice but I I will not do one next year I think it's over oh that's it how many did you do 40 or I mean I got up to I didn't do 40 I think I've done 40 I know I know how much you turned right how many pictures you've taken I got up to 40 from 27 so that's oh wow i didn't realize it was over a decade yeah 27 28 29 30 all the way to 40 yeah holy shit and it's not that i i i like kind of like marking that with a photo and and they've gotten more like i kind of like reflect on them more these years where i'm like oh okay i want to have it in this thing because that's who i am that's who i've been this year like right have you done like a collage where it's like all 16 of them or whatever 14 of them in one grid no but

I thought about doing a post for it on substack again remind me what your substack is because yeah I'm I'm so interested in reading it yeah and I'm and I'm not I'm curious to subscribe right right now well I'm while we're together because you just open a new tab my hands are like filled with I'm slicing carrots I should say why we're recording so substack com slash at Jake Hurwitz. Yeah. Are you still doing one a week? Not in the summer.

It's been every like two weeks, maybe even every two and a half weeks. Okay. But maybe I'll get back to once a week. But with the travel, it was too much. So yeah, the 27 through 41 might be a fun progression to see all laid out. Yeah. Or through 40, all laid out in a grid. Yeah.

They really do mark a moment. The 2021 is me in a mass. So it's There's one outside of the house That Jill and I worked on So yeah there's definitely like And then you can add They tell a stuff right

Yeah And you already baked in 14 years So it's like do I just abandon this running thing It's like a built in tradition I don't really post on Instagram So like You can see if you like go on my Instagram They used to be like every 10 post

Was a birthday post It was like you know It went in a year of posting Right. But now I think like there's like one or two posts and then my birthday last year. So it's usually me looking pensive in between. Yeah. So if I were posting more, I might do it.

But since I'm not, I don't think I'm just going to keep Instagram because it's a place where I post my birthday photo. Yeah. Your birthday, Graham. Anyway, my birthday, I'll put it at, did I ever say eight? No. Because that's in August. So we'll put it eight. August.

Okay. Eight. That's good. Yeah. Uninterrupted long sleep. that's another one that I think I just I guess I take it for granted I pretty much get it when I haven't gotten it's been pretty sad so I'll put it at six I value it yeah wow so do I have three four five six seven eight oh okay I don't have nine or eleven it's pretty

symmetrical right now so you have no one or two and no 19 or 20 then you have three through eight a space for nine volunteerism right in the middle at 10 11 off then 12 through 18 okay okay now I mean this is some high stakes shit yeah this is this is this is serious it's time to buckle down serracha hmm saracha was a big a big part of my life when I first discovered it way less so now but I don't dislike it it's I think there was a time when it went on everything. And now it goes on cuisine that I think it warrants syracia. So when it's around, it's pretty good. But I don't seek it out or need it. So I'll put it at 11. Are you a hot sauce man still or you just don't do it as much as you used to? I like, I think I'm a, I'm a sauce man.

They don't have to be hot, but I think it can't be dry. But I like, I like an aoli. I like a hot sauce. I like balsamic. I like this I like the, excuse me, I'm not even close to done. Rock climbing. Completing a route in rock climbing. I think it has to go nine because it's not one or two. And I wonder

if I might have to put it all the way down at 19. I retired from climbing. Whoa. When were you going to tell us? I guess yeah. It hasn't come up. I haven't climbed in, I want to, since March maybe. So did you know that that was your last time? Did you just hurt your back? And you're like, I don't want to risk it again.

Well, I hurt my back. And I like went through the PT and I've like built back up. And then I like went rock climbing and the swinging of my hips and the press and the standing on my legs like irritated my back. And then I like did the PT. The stretches got good again. Went climbing like tweaked something. I was like, oh, the rinse repeat.

Maybe it's just my body telling me that climbing is not for me right now. And it's like I'm also, I've plateaued. There was a time when I was like getting better when I trained. And now I'm just like. Yeah. And I'm also not. I guess I went climbing outside last year. I think that's when you almost died.

Yeah. I feel like I would rather go climbing outside once or twice a year than like train at the gym two or three times a week, which was what I was doing. So I like cycling and weight training more now. Okay. So 9 or 19? I guess it's a nostalgic feeling which would make it feel 9, but maybe 19 because it's not, I think I'm going to put it at 19. I feel like I'm going to want to put something else at 9. Antidepressants.

God damn it. That's, I'll put that at 9. I feel like they're good, but I have never, I have no relationship with them. We should take them for the last few episodes, see what we feel. Yeah. Because maybe we're depressed and we don't even know it. Right. I'm sad that the show's over.

Right. So this could be like help with that. Do they make you feel nothing? They don't make you feel happy. I think they make you feel less sad. That's good. Pornow videos. By the way, you have one, two, and 20 left.

These are high stakes class three. I feel like I famously like porno videos, but I can't. can't in good conscience put it at one or two yeah so I think I think they have to go 20 and they are fraught you have to appreciate only the right kinds of porn videos I've I really the new porn video that I like are more community-based porn videos couples making amateur films rather than the big industry ones so I'll put it at 20 has COVID changed Porn? I think OnlyFans and Patreon and like fandom and paying people that you like

changed porn. Now people don't have to get like caught up in the industry. You can actually just like be Give direct. Yeah, your own creator. Jillian. My wife. Yes. I can't imagine anything beating that out. Yeah. That's a very easy number one.

You're not going to like this last one. Oh, wait, I already did porn. It's chocolate croissants. Finding a mouse in your French fries. Shit, I wish I saved that one slot. I guess I have to put it, I have to put it number two. Yeah. This would have been number two.

Yeah, the mouse fries. All right, but at the end of the day, finding a mouse. and your fries, I'm rich. I would take a video of that. I would sue the establishment. I think I can... So you'd be rich from that around. Yeah.

I think if that event happened to me, it would be a good thing. Net positive. Okay. So this is your final list. And let's see if there's any alterations you would have done had you known the list like ranker. But this is blind rancor.

Number one, Jillian. Classic. That locked. That's good. Number two, finding a mouse in your... your french fries might not have gone that high yeah i think that would have been 19 number three hot spurs game winning goal still euphoric enjoying it yeah i think that's right four croissant five long bike ride six long interrupted night's sleep yeah these are all good seven is the pee pee

yeah so that's pretty that seems right oh maybe actually my birthday is probably over pee i would swap that yeah birthday above pee uh my birthday is eight antidepressants voluntary Tourism, Saracha, and Legos, right in the middle. Yeah, I would maybe just fully reverse that. So you'd go Lego, Saracha, Voluntourism, and Antidepressants. Yeah, that feels good. You didn't know. Yeah, you didn't know.

Yeah. Finding 100 is below all that. Oh, I guess that would probably, that would probably go above saracha. Not that I think about it, yeah. Then 14 through 20 is Ozempic. Uh-huh. A solid dog poop. Okay, dog poop above Ozempic.

Cologne. Cologne is good. Dandruff 17. Umbrella 18. I guess umbrella would... Seems low. Yeah, probably go above Ozempic. Still not above Dandruff, though.

19 is finishing a rock climbing route. Yeah, that would definitely go a lot higher. Yeah, it's very least better than an umbrella. And definitely better than Cologne, which you actively hate. Yeah, for sure. And last, your favorite thing, porno videos. Right. video would also probably need to go maybe above volunteerism.

I don't know. That's another good one for your substack. What's better? Porn or volunteerism? That's actually really interesting. All right. I think that was good. We learned a lot about you, your bladder, and whether or not you still rock climbing use hot sauce. Yeah, that was good stuff. Thanks, man. A lot's changed since your first birthday picture. That's right. Did you pull it up? No. But my pitch for your birthday picture is to finish it with a four by four grid. Because 14 is kind of a weird number to stop at.

I see. I see. So what do I need for a four by four? 27 to 42. Yeah. Every four years is a row, a four by four. Yeah. That's definitely possible.

That's definitely possible. I am just going to find that first birthday photo. It looks like it's right around here. Oh, wait, no, that was, wow, 28, that was a, that was a big one. That looks, they really all show exactly who I am in that year. And then who's taking these photos and how many options are you getting? And like, when it's time to take the photo, are you like, Jill, will you take my 40th birthday photo today?

Or is it like, Jill's like, you got to take your 40th birthday photo. Come on, I'll help you frame it up. It's a little, it's kind of like both. It's like leading up to it, people are like, what are you going to do for your birthday photo? They ask me. And I think about it a little bit. I'm like, oh, maybe I'll do it here. Maybe I'll do this.

And then do you buy clothes or a Kutremaunt for it? Like, I want my bike. I want this shirt. I want these shoes. No. I was just like, I think this year I was like, I actually took a different birthday photo with Micah that morning at the beach when we went surfing. And he got cut. I was after dinner.

I was like, you know what? This feels more like who I am just in the yard. And then I saw the bike with the baby seat. I was like, oh, I should just do it right in front of the bike with the baby seat. Because that bike has actually featured when I was 34, 35. Same bike, no baby seat. Same bike, no baby seat. And Gemma was in it last year.

That's right. No, wait, wasn't it two years ago? No, maybe it was last year. No. Gemma was in it when I was 38. Yeah, Gemma was in it when I was 38. Last year was after a bike ride in Nantucket. So the bike has featured more heavily than the daughter, for sure.

There's been more bikes than Jemma, though this year was a double feature. It was an homage, a nod to Jemma and the bike. Is she in that babysit ever? That was actually a birthday present. So my family gave that to me in Nantucket. We put it on the bike, and she wrote in it twice. Scary. Seems scary.

I don't know if I would like that. She fucking loved it. Yeah, of course. I was a little scared. It's like any slight fall is a very serious injury. The stakes are super high. So like it's a weird little moment where you're like, you're at, she wants to do it. You're like encouraged like, yeah, this is awesome, right, babe?

Because you don't want her to be scared. You're like, this is fun. Are you ready? And then you hop on. You're like, oh, my God. I ride my bike all the time in way more dangerous situations. But now I'm just going to go straight around a circle. Yeah.

But if I slip, I'll maim my daughter. All right. Would you do it in New York? No, no way. Never. It's crazy. You go to like Amsterdam and it's like three kids on a bike and like a crowded street with cars whizzing by. And people do it.

And people do it in New York all the time. I see them in my neighborhood. I just, I feel like I ride my bike too much and almost get hit all the time. Right. To feel like it's a good idea. Are there little helmets and elbow pads for Gemma? She has a little helmet. No elbow pads.

pads or anything. I'm sure they exist. We just didn't do it. Yeah. It's really cute actually now that I think about it. It's fucking adorable, yeah. A tiny helmet, the size of an ice cream bowl at Dodgers Stadium. Her cute little head. All right, that was it. That was our segments for today. It's actually just one segment, which, you know, sometimes we say that we'll do is just one long segment. Yeah, dude. One big, beautiful segment. And if you want more, there's us trying to do crossword puzzles on our Patreon now. That's right. That's right. We're still trying to crack that Monday Puzz. Yeah. And that's a video too, so you can watch those as well. Yeah. And if you want to get 50% off, $5 is too rich for your blood to test out the waters, then you can always use our

coupon code segment to get 50% off on our patreon.com. Good stuff. Patreon.com slash JA. Boom. And we'll be back Next week, we can say that three more times. That's right. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye, everyone. That was a Hidgum original. Hi, I'm Alana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan O'Sullivan.

And this is the outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum. You know, we're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that. Every week, we're going to bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of. Some you definitely have it. but all of them are going to help explain why America is like this. See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba, to Las Vegas. Gay bars.

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