If I Were You - 92: Cookies

Episode Date: August 4, 2014

In this episode we discuss texting girls, swiping guys, and renting cars.This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com and Harrys.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Choose who have the time to listen to you whine About nothing, everything a lad wants This is one of those advice podcast shows But funny to them, oh no doubt about it Sometimes I need to seize the cheese Sometimes I worry that I eat beef If it all just gets too much You can kill yourself in a Starbucks

Now you know what I'd do if I were you We're gonna stop it right there Wow There's a second verse, I didn't want it to go on for too long So I'm gonna play the rest of it at the end A teaser, a cliffhanger Stick around, you can hear the end of that song That was awesome, right? It was by Ben Flowers

Ben Flowers, I legit think he's better than Green Day Is it crazy to say that? It's like what you said, if you can do an impression of a great singer Are you a great singer? That's what you said, right? Yeah, or is it what you said? I thought it was what you said Like if you could do a Freddie Mercury impression, you're a good singer

To do a musical impression, I feel like it's so much better than an actual impression Yeah Because it's talent, plus also you can sound like him Do you remember learning about that Earth, seeing that video for the first time in 1995? The Green Day one? Yeah, the basketball case Yeah, I thought it was like, oh my god, my mom cannot know I'm watching this This is about, there's a line about jerking it, I think

There was that line, I went to a whore, he said my life's a bore Whoa, whoa, wait, ah Isn't it funny to think that our 18 year old fans were born after that song came out? It's crazy That's, you want to feel old Billy Joel, Billy Joel Armstrong Billy Joel Armstrong Yeah, he's 68

Billy Joel's son, can you believe that they're related? Billy Joel had a son and he named him Billy Joe Armstrong And then his last name is Joel Yeah Billy Joel's son Is Billy Joel Armstrong Joel Holy fucking nuts I can't believe those girls

I can't wrap my head around that fact Yeah That's crazy It is a fact It's a fact, it's true It's true Yeah The truest part of all is that it's a fact

And vice versa And vice versa The fact is part of all This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast show on the internet hosted by me And me I'm Amir And I'm Jake Did I already say that guy's name is Ben Flowers?

You did Okay, he deserves another one He deserves another name And he deserves this song to be played at the end of the podcast I think you're being a little flowers aggrandizing Really? Yeah I'm too into it

To give him two shout outs and two a book end of the podcast I think he's good I think he's great I don't think he's Billy Joel's son great No No That's for Billy Joel Armstrong Joel

So how does this show work? Well basically I like what you're doing right now Don't stop Get it, get it People right in to our show If I were you show at gmail.com with questions They seek our guidance and advice

And we do our best to offer it on this here podcast See, you download it and you can listen to it on the go That's the best part On the go You could be in a car and listen to this show You could be walking down the street listening to this show Writing the subway listening to this show You could be at the gym listening to this show

You could be pumping iron as you listen to this show Yeah, you could just be, did we already say at the gym? You could be like home from a date Your iPods on shuffle, press play And then you're like hooking up with this girl Crash is playing Crash into me Crash into me

And then it's like Seize the cheese Oh wait, fuck, fuck, fuck I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wanted to go through every situation So that when someone's, everyone listening to is like That's what I'm doing You could be washing the dishes

Doing a chore around the house You could be doing a chore You could be driving to visit your father at his nursing home Mommy, hi mommy That's how mommy listens to it When's your mom's birthday? I love you mom I miss you

And what about your dad? Hey, hey dad Father Father, how are you? I hope you're well I don't know how the fuck you landed her Mom's a 10 and you're not on the goddamn scale, dad To say you're a zero is an upsell

You're not a number You're a pair You're a pear shaped dad You're a fruit You're a fruit daddy A fruit daddy and I'd say you were delicious But that's mom Mom, so to recap

Mom's a 10 You're a moldy pear Fuck, mom's a 100 Mom's a 100 and And you're a potato, dad Potato You're a spy Mr. Potato, dad

What's that line from our video? You're a chicken parm That's one of my favorite jokes I ever wrote You're a chicken parmesan We're so funny to us Yeah That's why we like us We like us

Yeah, because we're our fans I think you're funny because you have the exact same sense of humor as me Yeah, and likewise And then when we get together and do stuff, it's funny for me Because it's like some stuff I thought I laugh when you talk because it's like me Yeah It's like when I yell into a mirror and it's funny

Or I talk into a microphone and I listen to it later And I giggle to myself because it's funny to me So let's start Let's do this Let's answer some questions These are real emails From real people And if you have your own emails, you can email

If I were you show at gmail.com Also, if you have your own theme song, you can email that Same, same email address Alright What should we call this person? We want to give him a fake name to preserve His anonymity Anonymity

What about if we call him Dallas Dallas Yeah Oh, it's gonna be like cities Oh, you don't know You don't know Okay

Not capitals Well, who knows Houston is the capital of Texas, isn't it? I believe it's Austin Oh, yeah, that's right Alright, ready? Uh-huh Dallas writes

Hey guys, I need your advice about whether or not to tell on my best friend to his mom He's an Orthodox Jew who's been studying on how to be a pickup artist And he told me that he plans to spend the next year partying instead of attending college He says it's the last time in his life he'll get a chance to party like that I didn't want him to lie to his mom, but I was okay with not getting involved Until I heard that he had already lied to her about going to college the previous year His mother said that she'll kick him out of the house if he skips college again And it's not like he's dropping out of college to pursue his dream of a comedy career or anything like that

He just wants to party The school term hasn't started yet What should I do? Sincerely, Dallas Dallas Hmm Of course, this is a matter you have to take into your own hands Straight to the mommy

Yeah This is going all the way at the top I think this, of course, involves you Yeah I think this is not a familial order You're implicated I think, yeah I wouldn't even say a moral obligation

A moral right To A moral demand To what? You must tattle I must tell a tattle tale I must tell a tattle on his tail Yeah, I think I have to tell

His tail has been tattled and your friend might be rattled, but I think this business has been saddled Saddled? Saddled, saddled, saddled Porroja ta'a noi Eloche, why melechaloom We're confusing and offending people Oh, because he's an Orthodox Jew Yeah

Why did he include that part? Why did we have to know that? I don't know why we had to know that But it does make me understand him more Yeah, maybe to sort of like sense the It paints the picture Well, and the implications of dropping out of school and being a pickup artist You know, he's definitely going to go to hell

Maybe his family has sort of an expectation for him to go to school and study the talmud Of course, yes, very good Yes, you must Oi Oh, I have no son What are you, a pickup artist all of a sudden? Why don't you pick up a lesson? Oh, thank you

Yeah, you got to tell his mom You have to I think it's important that you be the person that do it, his friend You, I think the hardest part will be sitting his mother down Yeah And saying, I'm afraid it's come to this I have to tattle a tail It goes a little something like this

Mrs. Austin, I think you know why I'm here Dallas I've come here Yeah Yes, it's me, Dallas So look, I have a piece of news Then I think you're going to be happy that it's coming from me Your son's friend

It's going to shock and awe you Your son wants to become a pickup artist He wants to party He's planning on not going to college Sounds like if he wants to party, he should go to college Yeah, that's another thing Where else will you party? If you want to pick up girls, if you want to...

Yeah, college is a pretty good spot to do it Maybe you should be like, hey, maybe you should go to college if you want to... One, talk to babes and two, party a lot Yeah That's what you do in college That's a very, very good point Also, how is he going to get away with lying to his parents about going to college? Yeah, that's the money

The checks are getting cashed by a school That presumably knows he's never been to class It seems like a very tough lie to get away with I think I'm with Amir, you talk to him first You convince him of the merits of going to college Rather than telling his mommy on him It's so funny, it never once did he bring up the fact that he could approach his dad I have to tell his mommy

Is there anything you would tell my mom on me for? Oh, that's a good question What would I tell? I guess if you had a drug problem and you weren't seeking any help I would maybe email your parents and be like, hey, Jake's starting to lose grasp of what's important and what's good Yeah, that's fair You would probably have a conversation with me about it This is after I find out that you lied to me

I'm doing a lot better Oh, really? And then I go into the bathroom and I see a syringe I'm like, holy shit, he's killing himself I feel like you would loop in my brother You could call him Your brother's younger than you, you're not going to listen to what he says No, but maybe go to my parents as a unified front

Go with your brother to your parents Yeah, that's a good plan Maybe before you go straight to mom, if he's got siblings or anything Or anybody closer to the family than you as just his buddy If he's actually an orthodox Jew, odds are he has nine younger sisters and six older brothers All within like 11 months of him that you can go to talk to Yeah, perfect Go to siblings, friends first, no, him first

Then like other friends Then siblings Then mommy And ultimately, if necessary, daddy That's after the mom's like, whatever, I don't give a shit Fuck it Fuck it I don't care

Weird orthodox Jew mom Whatever, baby Valley orthodox Jew That was my gay skeleton thing again Skeleton Theodore Leslie I forgot all about Theodore Leslie And his twin sister Leslie Theodore

Who gives a shit as long as you're a pickup artist, baby Theodore Leslie, you have to please stop smoking that long cigarette in the house It's two and a half yards long Um, alright Ready? Yeah Wait, did we give this guy advice? Yeah, to not, to talk to his friend and convince him we're out of school

Then like talk to other people, not go straight to mommy and tell Okay, perfect We did it Yeah Alright, we got a question from a lady Oh Who will call Cheyenne

Asia Okay Asia Sorry, I said Cheyenne We'll call her Asia Okay, so it's not cities, it's just places is the theme So first one's a guy named Dallas And second one is this hot babe named Asia

Yeah, thank you Theodore Leslie Hey guys I'm having a big Tinder problem And since Jake is the one who convinced me to start using it in the first place I thought you guys could give me some advice So I got out of a really long relationship about a year ago And I have dated a little bit since But largely enjoyed being single

I started using Tinder a little bit ago and I met this guy I really like We've been hanging out a lot the last month or so And I think we have a really good connection The problem is I'm still using Tinder And every time I have a match that's super good looking And seems like someone I'd like I wonder if I should be getting any kind of serious with the guy I've been seeing I feel like I'm missing out on so many hot guys

Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship Or is it too early for me to be thinking that we're getting serious He seems kind of obsessed with me in a good way Also, the sex is really great I don't want to lose that I don't know what to do Can you help me out? Love Asia Ooh, Asia

What is quite a dilemma I like to hear what you think Well, she's suffering from what is the major problem with Like online dating in general Is that like it's so hard to choose one Because you know in your pocket is a million others And whether or not they're as good as this Like even though you might have found the greatest one

Would you rather have two through ten Right So like maybe it's a quantity thing, not a quality thing That's true So it seems to me like she, if she's still Like if it was really an awesome guy She would not feel inclined to Tinder as much That's true

Maybe she doesn't even think he's number one Yeah, I think I could equate it to like a big bucket of cookies Right Oh, I love it so far Fresh bucket of cookies Oh my god, all these look good You dip your hand in Yeah

You're like, oh wait, that one's a little bigger Oh, this one's a little more golden Oh, this one actually doesn't have as many chocolate chips as I thought Okay So it's like sort of you are in that dating pool You have like this cookie looks really good I want to eat this cookie But like what's the deal with this cookie

And there's like I see a quarter of a cookie down there That might be good Yeah, you just want to be trying all these cookies And if this dude was so super great Then he would just be a big ass cookie sitting right on the top And you would know for sure Yeah, and you would get like full off of it You wouldn't even want any other cookies

Because you'd be sick of cookies You'd be craving milk At this point So if you're not drinking milk Then you should be eating cookies That's all I'm going to say What's the milk in this metaphor? The milk was

His semen Tell you what Yeah, it's his seed Speaking of seeds Okay, actually here's another good metaphor for you We're planting a garden Yeah, we're planting a garden here And if you don't want to till the soil

Then you don't get to eat the salad And when it rains It pours So let me tell you what What goes better than the salad Than you got the tall glass of milk Oh, yummy yummy yummy His seed is everywhere

And if that salad was delicious It's time for dessert Here comes the cookie jar Don't get your hand caught in the cookie jar I need you to breathe I am breathing I'm breathing, I'm nervous About what?

About the metaphor Not going where I thought it was going to go I thought it was going to be a totally sound And then it's Well, I was imagining You know those metal tins Of Danish butter cookies? Those guys have a monopoly on cookie tins

The pretzel one with sugar on top The round one The round sandy one The sort of disc shaped They are the Swedish or Danish? Danish, I don't know The one that looks like a swirl Like it was pumped out of a puff pastry

A cone, yeah What other ones are in there? There's like one with like a weird reason in it The little raspberry thing Yeah We don't need that one It looks like a homintashe I say we go straight to the sugar pretzels

Give me a tin A red or blue tin filled with a sugar pretzel one Give me a monopoly on those tins, dude How much money do we have to Like how much of our like Our assets do we have to liquidate To just even compete with them at this point To take down this Danish cookie conglomerate

Monopolies are illegal Are monopolies illegal? Are they illegal? It is illegal It's not only a monopoly It might even be an oligopoly Yeah, it's a monopoly A monastery

A monarchy And a little bit of a monocle Yeah I think this is the most We've deviated into gibberish They're illegal in Koi This Danish cookie mafia Just fucking open your eyes, people

It's the same shit They put a hit out on the gingerbread, man Yeah I swear to god they did They could fit only three in But then they layer And the little wax paper that they use You gotta believe they're playing there

They're fed with the wax paper They pay somebody at the table for that That's not okay That's not free That's money I'm coming off the top And I wouldn't be surprised If it's blood money

Why? You ever heard of a blood diamond? Sure You ever heard of a blood diamond? Of course Well tell me this Have you ever heard of a blood cookie? No, never

That doesn't make sense Why would I have heard of that? Welcome to the future, my friend Or what? These cookies were retained Using means that were violent Sometimes fatal And a little bit Koi

And very Koi This is what we get for recording a podcast At 4 a.m. We are just loopy 4 a.m. England time But still Still So what should this girl do?

You gotta Would you say don't delay Or play your hate? Cause you know you could always Go on Ricky Lake The world needs one of you Is what I was saying Is the night

Is the night She is pretty fly for a white guy To say that What would you say? What is your advice to this girl Who wants to keep sampling? To that I say toda To that I say alright alright alright

To that I say Just keep swiping You say keep swiping go for it Keep swiping on the tender Cause your mind ain't made up girl And you know what maybe you just need A couple more dates under your belt Before you're like alright this guy is dope

You know what it is I feel like I'm sort of in the same place She just got out of a really long relationship About a year ago Same with me And I don't know if there's When you're out of a long relationship And you get out of it

You feel such joy to be independent And it's not just being able to hook up It's also just like doing whatever you want Like it's very liberating To be the master of your own schedule So maybe that's what she has going for her And she doesn't want to give that up just yet Well it sounds like she's already with somebody

Who's obsessed with her She says obsessed in a good way Right But I don't really like That's a dangerous thing to me I don't really view being single As being a master of my own schedule I'm like inundated with people

Who want to hang out and see me Right And that's like oh my god I'm a little stressed out But you get to choose who you hang out with I guess that's true You get to choose everything about yourself Yeah that's true

When you're in a relationship For better or for worse Usually it's like it's worth You know because you want to set a schedule With somebody else They want to do stuff You want to do stuff But it's just not all entirely you

If it were entirely you Then the relationship would be bad Right So you're sort of at the whim A little bit of somebody else's schedule Like hey I want to do this What's your opinion on it Right

And it matters It's just like very casual Like hey I'm going to do this Yeah I'm going to do whatever I want That's true Yeah I guess I think For me anyway when Whenever I've known

I've like known There was never ever like Should I be doing this Is this normal Should I take this step In this relationship It's always like beyond my control Right

So I guess in my opinion I don't know if I'm ever right Because I think I'm actually really stupid But I But If you Follow your heart It sounds like your heart's confused

Yeah I would just be like You know what If I'm like If I have doubts then That's the answer Even if the sex is really great You could buy great sex anywhere Oh

Tota Ain't that hard baby Ain't that hard Hey Gummy Gummy Gummy Yes I will I may be agree with you

I feel like we're on the same page of Keep Just keep swiping Just keep swiping You're not ready to be in a relationship yet And that's okay too That's okay That's beautiful

And that's life And you're like Uh oh you're going to die alone Because of it But hey at least you got the swipe For an extra six months That's worth it On your deathbed

What's your last words Oh actually Let me just match One more match Thank God I didn't settle for the guy That I loved That was obsessed with me You fucked up by listening to us

Is what we're trying to say So yeah you could be listening to this podcast Right in the train You could be listening to Washington dishes And you could be on your deathbed On your phone swiping on Tinder Who do you think is our oldest person Who's listened to every episode of this podcast

Not who it is But what would you say that person's age is Age is And let us If you're sort of in that age range And you've listened to every single episode Email us and let us know The oldest person who's listened to every single episode

Yeah I got a good guess Better Okay say You want to say it at the same time One two three and then say that Say our guess One two three

Forty two Sixty Yeah That's old I know I built with regret Sixty and it's not even like Doesn't know us or is related to us

Yeah my mom's not sixty It's not what she suggested It's not a bad thing I know it's not a bad thing But it's That's what See I had a theory that it might be my mom And then I didn't want to say her

Because I didn't want her to be sitting in the car And be like And think that I thought that she's the oldest person Alright so forty two If you're older than forty two You've listened to every episode Let me know Prove me wrong people

Prove Me Wrong What a boring experiment Yeah Boring for everyone but me Which is the point of the podcast right Entertain only me

Fair enough Alright Uh Third question Yes Third question Let's call this person The moon

I guess the theme is that they're getting further away Here's a funny story real quick I remember in sixth grade We had to take placement exams to get into seventh grade Private schools And I There was the essay question for it was If you can go anywhere in the world

Where would you go and why And I chose the moon And then I left And I was like Holy shit The moon's not in the world I flunked it And I think I did not do great on it

If you could go anywhere on earth Where would you go And I chose Literally one of the few places you could go off earth No I chose literally the only place you can go Not the earth That's the only place you can go right

You're either on the earth So my options were Every single thing on earth Or one thing On earth And I said the moon Well there's plenty of things that aren't on earth That you couldn't go to

Yeah we've never traveled any of the other places I chose the one place not on earth Yeah That you can go to It's in earth's orbit No wonder I never went to Harvard fucking Westlake Mom you were right

Oh jeez What dude You did go to Harvard Westlake Ah no I actually didn't get in Isn't it funny to imagine interviewing twelve year olds To see if they can get into your school They didn't Kids should have to deal with rejection that early

Yeah And yet here I am Anyway let's get started The moon's right You like Tinder Okay Long time listener Second time emailer

Anywho before I start the problem Let me give you some background info A die moved into my neighborhood One grade lower than me We talked a few times I've never worked up the courage to ask for her number Okay so here's the problem I got this very attractive girls number

By asking her friend And started texting her It was going pretty well We were talking about basic stuff How's your summer, how's school, etc Then she said haha to something I said So I said yeah back She never responded

It's been about three days I really want to text her back And maybe get her to realize That I'm a pretty good guy But I can't help but feel That she'll think I'm weird For texting her out of the blue and stuff What should I do

Text her out of the blue And hope she doesn't think it's weird Or wait for her to text me Jake, I know you're a texting wizard And the pinch of course But Amir, your advice would also be Helpful, thanks, the moon She said, he made a joke

She said haha He said yeah And then there was nothing I mean you're done dude That's it What did he say? You can't come back from yeah Yeah, she's like haha, yeah

I mean that's conversation killer Relationship killer That's it Sometimes it's a little hard For me to text with my claws lately But I can tell you I could use my two pinching claws And text better than that

Haha, yeah You're disappointed I'm bummed This guy can rebound from yeah It's not even her yet She said haha He said yeah Right

He's overthinking it It's like also You're worried about texting her Texting her out of the blue Which you did in the first place Yeah, you already texted her out of the blue Without even speaking to her You just got her number passively

From somebody and started texting her Then you made a joke which she laughed at And then you stopped And now you're worried about texting her through It sounds like you opened up A texting relationship with her You made a joke, it went over fine But this is a good little bit of advice

Maybe like a comedian You always end on the joke So you make a joke She says haha Don't respond Then two days later You feel a little bit better Being able to respond

Because you didn't end the conversation Yeah, try not to end it with like Also like You didn't ask a question Or anything like that She couldn't have responded to yeah Haha, yeah So basically the conversation

Was pretty much over What you did was put a boring period At the end of it Exactly You didn't need to say anything It's always good to not be the last one That texts That's a little bit of advice

Yeah, that's your theory I don't actually subscribe to that Same exact theory I subscribe to that theory I know you do Because then it's like Oh, I'm not constantly being the one That like texts

That initiates Oh, she said something And I didn't respond I have the world's smallest upper hand See I, well I wonder if this is like Just indicative of our Like

I like to say Give the last text Because that way It's like I've passed the ball I'm waiting on her text Right But I wouldn't

Well, yeah, so you You are like I think it's insecure So you'll be like Alright She said something I'm not going to respond Because I know I'm going to want to text her later

Yeah And she might not text me Right So I'm saying I'll respond last But I know she's going to text me Haha But what if she doesn't

Then you have to text twice in a row Then Oh wait It's never happened No Thank you But if you If you end it with

Their Their text as last I feel like that gives you a small Emotional and mental edge Like Oh, why didn't he respond to me Why did the conversation end On my last text message

It's small It's infinitely small But it is there It is It is still a slight advantage I'll admit that it's there I'll admit that But I'll also do you one better

And tell you that I don't fucking need it But let's say a girl says Your joke I would say Yeah Yeah, indeed A plus, brother If I'm going to joke and a girl just said

Haha I don't think I mean, I think yeah is a pretty dumb response Yeah Let me be clear about that Yeah, it's bad because you're just saying Yeah, it is funny Like I would have said something

Imagine a girl laughs at your joke In real life and you go Yeah Oh, yeah Every text they send Is better than that I do that a lot in real life When I get a laugh in a room

I will leave Oh, yeah I end on a high note It's true And that can be the same thing in the digital world But I also wouldn't say something Have people laugh and walk out silently I like to end on like a one liner

That wraps everything up really nicely Oh, like a nice conclusion All right, yeah Well, good luck with this thing that you just mentioned Insummation Yeah So hot Like a comfortable little joke

About something that they mentioned to me That they wouldn't know that I would necessarily remember Yeah, but since I picked up on that I'm one perceptive and two thoughtful enough To actually remember a little minutia About their lives That's right

So this guy Feel free to go for that second text Of course Two days later Yeah, you can send the second text You're fine, Geronofeld Yeah, if you can come up with something Something, does it have to reference

The old conversation Or can it just be out of the blue She's sexy Yo, you really did like that joke? Haha, shit Or was that like a polite shit? Was that a courtesy, huh? That wasn't you being bullshit, right?

Haha Yeah, go for it It's been two days You've played it cool But my suggestion is to not End the next conversation Jake doesn't subscribe to that theory No

That's fine Why would he fucking Sorry Listen to anything I have to say Alright Let's just What, dude Nah, just a lot of

Small shit Alright No, it doesn't seem like It's a lot of small shit It seems like it's one shit It's one shit and it's the text shit Haha It really is the text shit

To subscribe to my theory shit Yeah, watch it and subscribe Yeah Theodore Leslie, ladies and gentlemen Haha I don't subscribe to that magazine There should be a magazine called Theory Although I subscribe to that theory

Of an actual phrase Or is that I believe so I subscribe to that Ideology Ideology Ideology Now whatever

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Now, we just got back from Montreal Montreal kept it We kept it real It was a fun time Montreal was Montreal But you had a tough time getting there From what I understand I would like to take this opportunity

To say Harry's is a wonderful company And now let's do the opposite of an ad It's this is gonna be This is gonna be me doing some slander This is a Monday afternoon night blast This is a, yeah I'm putting budget on blast right now

Wow This is a full on budget blast Do you remember when You're okay naming names I'll name names Budget This is a budget blast Yeah

Was it Kevin Smith Put Southwest on blast Oh yeah, you don't want to mess with people who have like Social media followers Yeah, I'm trying to put Did you let them know that you had a podcast? I really didn't I should have

I assure you sir I have a podcast I should have just showed them my Twitter followers Or yours And like this is my friend And he's gonna be outraged He's gonna tweet So what happened when you went to budget

Which is what people call stuff that's bad You say that's budget Yeah, so it was bad I went to budget You chose it because it was the cheapest option Yes I rented a car A nice intermediate sedan

Oh beautiful Dodge Avenger Or similar Which I was looking forward to Driving up to Montreal Or similar Or similar And as I was leaving

I realized that I was going to be early For my reservation As we were leaving your apartment to get to budget Yes So my reservation is for 3pm And I say Oh I'd like to pick the car up at 1.30 actually So I gave them a call

I said is it possible And we were speaking on the phone The national budget hotline They said yeah Your new quote would be X It was $10 more expensive than my original one X plus 10

Yeah, so it was like X plus 10 And I said Alright great Is this just something I could take care of at the store And they were like yeah Go for it So I went to the store

I met an employee I won't name names But his name was X So I went to speak with X I told them That I was there Early for my pickup

And he said Oh we don't have Your car But we can upgrade you To this other model It's usually $40 But I can do it for 20 And I said

$20 a day And he said Yeah And I was taking this car for 10 days So I said That's a That's a lot of money And he said

Oh yeah And I was like Okay well it was only $10 To make my reservation earlier Why don't I just do that And he was like You can't do that And I was like

I was on the phone with them And they said I could So I went And I called the number back Changed the reservation This time It was a little frustrating Because it was $30

More expensive So when you call back You call like The national budget So I Not the specific branch Right Not this branch

Because actually when I Originally called that branch Nobody picked up So So they said it's $30 And I was like Fuck this is really getting Away from me now

I want the car So I said Okay yeah I'll do it And I went back And I told them Right my new time is $130

By that point It was $145 It's $145 So I'm here It's $145 The car And he said All right

So at that point It's going to be $230 And you just maybe spend $40 You maybe spend $30 extra Per day No just

The one time To get the To get the car Right then and there Right It's like yeah It takes 45 minutes For the car to get here

But that upgrade is here Right now He's like trying to get me To take that upgrade The upsell How much is the upgrade $20 a day Oh $200 total

Yeah So I'm like No I'm not going to do that So I sat down I was going to wait And then people start walking in And they're like He's like oh

Yeah your car's not available But we can upgrade you And I was like What did they upgrade from Is like Is that Does that mean an intermediate Is available now

Can I downgrade He's like no you can only Upgrade So these people upgraded From like Whatever to a full size car And then somebody else came in And he's like

Oh you're actually An hour late for your reservation We don't have your car It's So we have to upgrade you To a mini SUV And I was like This is a scam

This is me shouting Shouting to everybody In budget This is me yelling And me and him talking to each other And then there's just like Five other people in there Feeling very uncomfortable

Unfortunately though Four Because I was just like An asshole Yelling at him Saying it was a scam So everybody is like Oh yeah no

I'll take the SUV It's $50 extra days Like yeah that's fine Thank you so much This is great Thank you so much Like don't you see what they do And I was like

What What is everybody else driving What are the cars available Right now It's like we don't have your car And so then I'm still sitting Still sitting I go up there

223 Uh huh I say like Can we like get started With the paperwork Whatever He's like No your car's not here

I said it's not here But in seven minutes It'll be here at exactly 45 minutes after you told me It's like yeah I really think I think in seven minutes It'll be here

Me and him are just like Straight up smiling At each other now You're just like Lying some sort of Weird game of poker Unwilling to budge Both of us were like

Sort of getting a kick out of Like just tormenting each other So you're You were You were convinced of yourself That that car was already there Yeah Or that it was never even coming

Because finally at 230 I went up And he was like Alright let's get started Your paperwork and good news We're gonna We are gonna give you an upgrade And I was like

And I'm not paying for it He's like Nope We're giving you a full size Standard car And I just came out And I said To the

To the guy that worked in the garage Like where did this car come from Where is this Where do you keep the fucking cars Sir I don't work here I just came in here for a glass of water Midway during this Waiting game with

I went out to the garage guy too And I was like What cars do you have in the basement And he was like He knows in there I was like I don't trust that guy So what do you think this

And they do They just shrug They won't tell you I think the scam is That they like They hold all the cards So like if you show up Early for your car

Yeah Then they don't have your car If you show up late for your car They don't have your car If you show up right on time For your car They also don't have your car But then they'll give you

Your car for free So what they do is like Because they know people Are desperate They want their cars I think they also know A lot of the time That people's companies

Are paying for them So like Even though College humor Was paying for this car I was like Out of principle I didn't want

So if you show up early They're like Or if you want it now If you show up late Yeah, well your car's not here But if you want a car right now You can take this upgrade It's $15 a day

Right Or you can wait for 45 minutes And you're like I'll wait I'll wait I'll wait a whole day Oh Jude I'll wait

At one point I was like Do you guys have a bathroom? He's like No This is like an episode Of Seinfeld that seems like Or just like

George is like So stubborn And be like I'm not going anywhere He like camps there overnight It really was It was a waiting game And I was like

And I was also like A bunch of the time I was just like On the phone with the national Budget thing too Like what cars do you guys have I was googling other places To

I asked him for his name At one point It was great I feel like I've also been messed up By choosing the cheapest option And like It really just helps to Just like go for the

The medium option Because they're not as mean Totally Because you know what they do The cheapest option It's like That's their cheap estimate But when you get there

They try to Sell you on like Literally everything And then there's also A lot of like Hidden fees So like if you're Even 45 minutes

Or if you're an hour late To returning the car They charge you a full Extra day So like If your day rate is 50 bucks Then like You're an hour late

It's another 50 So you might as well keep it For another 23 hours It's just all that Like so they find ways To they devise ways To make you pay As much as like

The more expensive places are They're just They're just craftier To make it seem like It's the cheapest option online Car rental places I believe are evil All of them

In a way In the same way The airlines are Like You don't understand Like the inner workings Of that You know what it is

It's that thing We were talking about earlier It's a monopoly Where it's just like There's only four of them Well I guess it's whatever An oligopoly Or whatever it is

And there's three or four We can set up the rules Whatever we want Like what are you going to do Yeah they're all Like they're all the same people Like nationals also Budget is also

This is also that National budget And it hurts We're just all in this Thing It's just fucking God I think there is a

Seinfeld about it He goes to pick up the car And he's like Oh no we don't have it But I made a reservation He's like yeah I mean That's just a reservation And he's like

Well then anyone can Just make a reservation The hard part is To hold the reservation So rental cars were still bad In the early 90s They've always been bad What needs to happen

Is like a jet blue Slash virgin america Like a new person being like Alright the system's broken Right something where I don't have to like Go in Hand them my license

My credit card Give them like so much This thing My contract Printed out on like A 1980s printer's like Oh yeah And he fucking perforated

You tore the perforated edges Off of that thing for me This whole thing should be It should be an app I should be able to get A qrc code that Starts the car Oh that's cool

Oh that's a zip car is That's what it is This is a long walk Well if they had a zip car In montreal then I would have Then I would have gotten it That took us to way past Our bedtime

I'm so sorry That's okay It was good It was nice And you know what This is a short week So guys don't worry We'll be back on Thursday

Okay Thanks to our sponsors Like Harry's And like Slugbooks So uh Oh Once again at that Email address

If you have your own questions As if I were your show At gmail.com And if you have your own Theme songs We still want Slash need them The opening one

Which is also the closing one Was written by Ben Flowers Let's go back to that Sweet sweet green day parody See you guys Thursday Bye I've got a slow show

But she's bringing me down I wrote it to your show You said she had to go And now I've got a time To drive around town So if you need some sound advice You should listen to these guys They're a piece in that regard

And to guide us So go Now you know what I do If I were you If I were you So At gmail.com Hey everybody

I'm Nicole Pulizzi But you may know me as Snooki From MTV's Jersey Shore I totally feel like Snooki Doesn't exist anymore So I want you guys To get to know Nicole Download my new podcast

Naturally Nicole At podcast1.com A lot has changed in my life With becoming a mother Getting married Losing weight Being fit So be a part of my new

Fantastic, fabulous world Download Naturally Nicole Every Tuesday At podcast1.com That's podcast At podcast1.com