If I Were You - 93: Weird Name

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

In this episode we discuss taking drugs and being yourself.This bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com -- Delicious snacks delivered right to your home!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

And listen to if I were you, if I were you. That was Kylie Knox. That was very lovely. She had a beautiful voice. What are you trying to say that my voice sucks? God, you're sensitive. No. So let me quell your fear.

It is confirmed. Can I quell and confirm a fear at the same time? Yeah. To quell your fear, your fear is not knowing, but it is also confirmed that you have a bad voice. And I disrespect you as a guy, not just as a singer, but as a man. I disrespect you as a guy.

Yeah. As a guy, I disrespect you as a co-worker. I respect you. I do. And as a citizen, I inspect you. Whoa, move over. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by me, Amir.

And I'm the pinch. And I help from time to time. He's back. That's right. You're embracing the pinch. Some might say the pinch never left. I'm holding the microphone in an actual claw right now. Yeah, it's sliding in and out of your claw hand.

Yeah, I like the nickname so much that I decided to turn myself into a lobster crab man type of guy. I see that. Yeah, you got sunburned, I think. The tough thing was convincing a doctor to replace my limbs without a crustacean. Of course.

Yes, of course. I see you're slowly applying a exoskeleton. That's right. Yeah, other people's shells. I couldn't nearly find a surgeon to do it, so I had to ask a vagrant. Could you ask a doctor to do whatever he wants? Like, could I get my leg amputated if I wanted?

No. A doctor will not do that if I pay them. Just for fun? Not ever fun if I paid them a million dollars. Can I have my leg amputated? Yeah, they'll take off your nose and replace it with a new one. Hey, I'd like a new leg. Let me chop it off.

You're like, just kidding. Gotcha, loser. You hop away. This is blood slipping. Oh, there goes the iPhone. And now the magical moment where you find out if it's cracked or not. And it is.

Is it? No. No, no, no, no. The pinch don't crack his phone. Chop. Ass. Shit, shit, shit. So you're saying if you had all the money in the world,

you couldn't pay for, quote unquote, cosmetic surgery? Doug, if you had all the money in the world, you could do whatever the fuck you want, all right? I got 400 bucks on my bank account, and I feel invincible. Yeah. Yeah, all you need is a little bit of scratch, and you're good to go.

Could a billionaire get a tail? Could a billionaire fashion a tail? I'll do you one better. Does a billionaire already have a tail? Is that why he's so rich? I couldn't have been the first guy to think of this. Of course you are. Does a billionaire have a tail?

Yeah. Who else would have thought of that? Excuse me. Any questions? You said any questions, and I do have one. Do billionaires have tails? I meant history questions. This is a history class.

Historically speaking, has a billionaire ever had a tail? Do you have any questions about the French and Indian War? Has a French billionaire ever had a tail? He has, yes. He's had a tail. Tight. Yeah, I guess you can remove fat from your thigh and fashion into some sort of rod, a fat rod.

Well, I think as long as it's not damaging your health, maybe, I don't know. I don't know. That's the true answer, man. The true answer to every question I've ever been asked is I don't know for sure. And also, as long as we're on the subject of what billionaires do, does a billionaire go to the dentist?

Can you be at the dentist and you just have a billionaire? Or when you're that rich, does it just come to you? I think it depends. Yeah, I think a dentist can come to you. I bet some billionaires are like, I'm humble. I'm cool. I'm going to go to my old dentist, the one I went to before I made any money.

Yeah, before I only had $100 million. Now I have $1,000 million. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that billionaires have dentists just visit them, do home visits. I think regularly rich people. I don't think you have to have a billion dollars to have like a. But it requires x-ray chairs, specific equipment, and instruments.

You just have to come in. But you probably have access to a really, really nice dentist. Like a really nice office. So maybe you get a visit for the checkup. And then he's like, oh, you know what? I don't like the way this cavity looks. You should come into the office. No.

OK, well, give me a million dollars. We'll install something in your basement that you'll use once. Yeah, let's do that. The million dollars. You asshole, donate some money to charity. You guys wagging his tail. All the way to the bank. You waste money.

How did you get it to be waggable? If it's just fat, how is it? What is it connected to? I twitched my tailbone. My coccyx. I shake my tail feather. That's what I do. What is this podcast?

Yeah, I mean, so far we haven't given any indication at all. It's an advice podcast. People in sticky situations, difficult places in their lives, email us at ifireushow at gmail.com. We read these emails and do our best to advise them out of their terrible, terrible dilemmas. Good fucking intro, dude. Really?

I really like it. Dilemmas was not on purpose. I know you think I misspoke, or I can already read the tweets and stuff, but I know that I was just trying to sort of coolly say dilemmas. That's how you say directions, too. Oh, yeah. Do you have the directions?

Oh, you're saying that's how I say it? Yeah, that's how you say it. Oh, instead of directions? Yeah. I say directions. I also say Maryland, or Italian. Really? Yeah, Maryland.

I said that exact same thing this past week. They should call Maryland Maryland. Oh, really? Yeah, it's nicer. Maybe my weird accent is seeping into your subconscious. Maybe so. You're whispering Maryland into my ear as I sleep. Yeah, I'll stop doing that.

Yeah, you don't need to anymore. It's in there. It works. OK, so I'll stop. I already said I would stop. OK, I'm not trying to put you on blast. I know. It's been a minute since you were put on blast, actually.

It's been more than a minute. I have water coming out of my hair because I heard the shower dripping, so I went to turn it off, but I turned it in the wrong way, and I just soaked my entire left side of my body. And now I just still have water coming off of my. That's comedy. Yeah.

Comedy is tragedy plus time. Yeah, plus time magazine specifically. Actually, tragedy is time plus mad magazine. Imagine that. That would be funny. Wow. Alfred E. Newman as person of the year. I'm laughing, thinking about it.

Holy shit, let me see that notebook you have. You directed the conversation at this point just so you could make that one joke, and it wasn't even good. Tragedy is National Geographic plus Cracked. All right, let's give these real people fake names to preserve their anonymity. Very, very nice.

Do we have someone? A theme of sorts? A Thursday theme, a bonus Thursday thematic element to this. Oh, bonus. Oh, bonus. Bonus. You know what that makes me thinking of?

What? The bonus Jonas. Frankie Jonas. All right, Frankie Jonas. Right? Right. Hey, guys, I love your show, and I really need your help. All right, right off the bat so far, so good.

Love it. My girlfriend is a solid 11 out of 10, and recently she went to a festival. Nothing big happened, no cheating or whatever, but she did take a lot of MDMA. Nothing on Gucci with that. But it's how she takes it with her friends. Eight out of the 12 members of their group are male,

and they're the ones who seem to buy the drugs. They give my girlfriend the drugs via their finger, which she licks clean. If you were me, would you find that to be a bit too sexual? I can't get the image out of my head. She thinks licking guys' fingers is normal, but I can't imagine any guy getting licked by a hot girl thinking she's not into them.

Am I being a silly goose? Talk me into some sense. Peace. Frankie Jonas, is that what you said? I think that's the bonus Jonas. All right, Frankie Jonas. That's a good question. Yeah, it's very specifically hard, because it seems.

Because it's making me hard to think of it. Your dick is so small. That's it hard, huh? It's a fucking double A. Full mass. Yeah. Yeah, because as you're reading my reaction, it's like, oh, you idiots, it's so small.

But then I'm like, yeah. A hot girl licking MDMA off a guy's fingers, not nothing. I guess it's not. It's so weird, though, because how upset can you really? She says it's no big deal. Yeah, she's like, why is it a big deal that I take drugs? This is how everyone takes them.

It doesn't mean that I love you any less. Oh, is he candy dipping? Is that what it is? I don't know, man. She's licking them off a finger. Well, it's a difference. If it's a tab, and he just puts a pill on his finger, and he's like, sexy, like, oh, lick this off.

If it's candy dipping, you almost have to lick his finger. But she could use her own finger. I think the way you have to do it is that the guy wets his dick, right? And he dips his dick into the sugar. That'll get you rolling. Yeah. That's how you really roll.

As a goof, I sort of insert the drug penis vaginally. That way, it hits your bloodstream the fastest. That's true, and it gives you a yeast infection. It hitches a ride on an old sperm, sperm trainsmobile, and then it just goes right into you. And then as soon as it hits your uterus, that's when you start rolling the ball. I'm talking about a high school girl at a rave, buddy.

Buddy. You're puking. Shit, I'm so sorry. Here, give me your finger. No. Let's see how sexual it is. You want to lick it? Yeah, give me your finger.

It's disgusting. No, it's not. I wouldn't lick my own finger. Let me see your finger. No. Are you serious? What? It's me doing the licking.

Stick it out. And then you'll tell me if it felt sexual. Which finger? Your index finger. Get off me, dude. You really won't let me do it. What, you're going to lick my own index finger? Yeah.

You don't know what I've been touching. I turned the shower handle. That's the cleanest place you could touch. All right. I would say, I wonder how she did it. All right. We can wonder without doing it. No, yeah, I'm going to do it.

Look, I'm wondering right now. I'm not sucking on your finger. Well, I'm going to show you the two ways she could have done it. One of which was innocuous, the other which is sexual. Give me your penis. I mean, your hand. Pinky, I have a finger.

Penis, dick. Yeah. All right. Oh, OK. So what you just did was. Oh, it was disgusting. That one was like using my finger almost like as a swab, like you're cleaning your tongue.

Yeah, it was like a stamp. Yeah, you're scraping the pad of my index finger against the top of your mouth. And the other one, actually, to be perfectly honest, I'm a little disgusted myself for doing the first one. Yeah. Especially because you're a little sick right now. Yeah, I'm a little sick.

It's also just a little strange that we're alone. We're both shirtless wearing matching sweatshorts. So many just like, oh, wait, hey, I know those guys. Where's your, oh, oh, dear God. OK, yeah, so that was one way to do it. Microphone's not plugged into anything. I think you, I guess I would like clarification as to, I would be like, lick my finger the way you licked his.

Yeah. And what if she's like, no, that's fucking gross. She's like, no, it was so sexual. I would never do that to you. We're not there yet. Yeah, like no, because I'm not too known about you. I think I guess maybe I'd be more like disconcerted by the actual like, you know, the big picture thing,

like that she went to this rave without you, wanted to take drugs and like ingested them in a sexy way. It's like a lot of half things. Like going to a concert with eight guy friends isn't necessarily bad. Doing drugs without you isn't necessarily bad. Sucking on a finger isn't necessarily bad. I would say that's maybe a little necessarily bad.

But the whole thing together, like it starts to add up like three third discretions makes one whole. Right. And the other thing I've always said about relationships, it's like, it doesn't really necessarily matter if you're right or wrong. If you like have these feelings and you're upset and anxious and sad, and you express that to somebody,

and they're not responsive. Yeah, just like, I'm sorry that you feel bad. And like, you know what? It didn't mean anything to me, but going forward, I'll act differently. Because it can't be important to her that she keeps licking guys' fingers. Right.

Unless it's like a trust thing, like don't you trust me? I guess you'd be like, yeah, I trust that you won't lick anybody else's hands. I don't think it's a big ask. I don't think it's a big ask is what I'll say. I'm not sure how I'd react. But I think if it upsets you and you're like, don't do this again.

And she's like, I'm not making any promises. Then it's such a, ah, it's so weird. Because what, do you break up over it? No. But you also, it's like kind of hard to move past. If you're like, I don't want you to do that again. She's like, no, I might. And I'm like, ah, now what else are you going to do?

Darn it. What would you do if that happened to you? You have a lady friend. She goes to a concert with a bunch of her dudes. She takes ecstasy, which makes you already feel very open and sexually provocative, right? There is a sexual element to it. I don't know about sexual, maybe so.

I think it's beyond sexual, at least when I've done it. It's like, it's complete euphoria and you just are in love with everything. Drugs are bad, but it's like the most amazing feeling. But drugs are bad, but it's like, whoa, I'm just happy. Yeah, and you just can't attain that naturally. You're on a level of connectedness that you never dream possible.

Never do this amazing drug, they're bad. Right, but it's like better than any hike, better than any friend, better than any meal you can share with a loved one. Imagine simultaneously coming as somebody that you're absolutely in love with, and imagine doing that with 1,000 people that you love even more than you love that person.

That's ecstasy, okay, dude? No, that's not true. But there's a downside to it. Well, yeah. One, you can overdose and die. We should say that. It releases all of your happy at once, so the next day you're very sad,

and for several days you feel off balance, and I think if you do it enough, it definitely fucks with you. There was, I don't do it anymore, but last year I did it, and at a certain point I would, I guess I felt like I needed it to heighten experiences. I wasn't getting as happy as I should when good things were good.

Right, because you're like, oh man. Oh, I can feel it. It's pretty great. I can feel a bigger sigh. So I can like heighten this. I can feel even happier, and now that I'm like, don't do it at all anymore, I completely disagree with that mentality.

You can do that just with your simple other pills. Yeah, like if I smoke enough weed and chug whiskey, and I listen to Kendrick Lamar's song, I'm like, fuck yeah, dude, got a pulp, pulp, pulp, pulp, pulp, pulp, pulp, pulp, pulp. So sorry, I went on a tangent. If it happened to me, was that the question? Yeah.

If it happened to me? What would you say? What would you do? I think I'd be licking the finger, takes a back seat to the idea of like going somewhere to a concert with eight other guys and doing ecstasy, which is something, it's a drug that makes you feel in love with other people.

Right, connected. Yeah, emotionally. Maybe as a, I would be so conflicted, because I don't want to impede anybody's good time, but I think I would probably be upset. I would vocalize that to my partner, I would say. I feel like you had an experience without me, and you licked somebody's hand,

and that makes me feel sad, and you can do with that information what you want. I sure do hope it's you apologizing and saying you won't do ecstasy with eight other dudes, go to concerts without me, and lick their fingers. What about you, what would you do? I guess I would make it known that it also creeped me out. Maybe I would do the little ones that add up

to a big bad one, that little spiel. That way it's like, all right, if you want to do this again, maybe have me there, or maybe don't do the drugs, or maybe when you take it, you don't have to take it off someone's finger, or just text me, I'll come put the drugs on my finger, you lick my finger, and then I'll leave. I'll peace out.

I guess we'd be. Hey guys, just came to put the drugs on my finger. Was this guy? Have fun. Was this guy invited? I wonder if he was invited and he didn't want to go, or if he just lives in a different city. Right, or like he begged to go, and they said no. Right, or she told him.

Wait, so it's just her and eight guys? No, a group of 12, but eight of them are guys. Oh, I see. I don't know, because it's also weird to just not trust people's guy friends. Right, you don't want to get in that scary situation. Right, because once you start being like, oh man, I don't trust these eight dudes,

they're all trying to fuck you, then you're, that's like a weird self-fulfilling prophecy. Right, because then it's like, why would I want to stay with you? You're just paranoid and mean. Yeah, you're paranoid, jealous, pretty small. I want to be with this guy who's like cool at the moment. Right, yeah, he's not jealous at all until you're with him,

and then he's insanely jealous. But as of now, he's down, these things you're down to be like meddled with. Right, he's not possessive at all. Yeah, it's weird. All right, if it bothers you, let her know is what we would do. Yeah, I would say something.

All right, what's another Jonas brother name so that we can get to the second question? Jesus, I don't know. The Jonas brothers. We only know the non-sing Jonas brother. Frankie, I'm going to look it up. Oh, fuck, I should know one. Lucas.

Oh, no, Nick. Now that I told you one, do you know the other one? Nick, there's two more. Yeah. Nick Jonas, Joe Jonas. Yes. Tom Jonas. Kevin. Kevin.

All right, so this one's from Nick Jonas. Nick Jonas writes, Hey guys, I have a problem that weirdly gets in the way of having a social life. My name is unusual. I've always dreaded it. Nick fucking Jonas. I've always dreaded introducing myself to new people

because merely saying my long and exotic name sounds like a bunch of sounds haphazardly thrown together to my American peers. People at my high school only see me as that foreign guy, even though I was born and raised in the States. Even worse, I've struggled to get my D-wet via my female peers. How many white girls have you met

who dated people named Asir or Gibra Salazi or Hakim? I digress. Do you have any friends with unusual or foreign names? How do they confidently put themselves out there when a lot of people are giant assholes about it? Thanks guys, love Joe or Nick Jonas. Is this guy assuming that my name is normal? Wait, can you just tell me his name and we'll bleep it?

Yeah, his name is It's like a African sounding name. Very funny, hilarious name even. It's not as different as like Gibra Salazi, which I think is a long distance runner from Ethiopia or Hakim, although his first example is how many white girls do you know have dated people named Asir?

That's so close to my name. He must know that I'm named me. And you've dated white girls? Is my name more normal? Why does he need to date white girls? I don't know, maybe that's the only people he's surrounded with. Does he know, does he think my name is normal?

You're getting really hung up on this. Is he lucky? We're just as petty as he is. I wanna help you bro, but first you gotta tell me I have a normal name and thus I am a normal guy who can bone whities. Do I get a pass cause my name is Amir and not Asir? Dude, you have a, your name is Amir Shmuel.

Yeah. And you make it work for ya? But how? I think, he must be in high school, right? Yeah, or early college. Like you gotta make those, that's a cool name, you make it work for you. You have like something that nobody else has,

a cool foreign name, that's awesome. What about a cool nickname? So for example, when your name is Gebra Salasi, Gebra Salasi? You nodded like you were agreeing with me and then you took another route. I was like, it's a cool name, you gotta work for it. Be proud of yourself.

And Amir's nodding, like yeah. A nickname would also work. Yeah, change it. Like Ted, or Ryan. Why don't you call yourself Ryan as a nickname? Not really a nick, as much as it is a completely diff. So instead of a nickname, I'm choosing a pseudo name, a different name, an Americanized whiter name.

So yeah, just go by your middle name, go by a nickname. You could always do that. If anything, weird names are cooler, right? I agree. Yeah. I think it'll put you at an advantage in the long run. Definitely. Especially if your name is Gebra Salasi,

which once again, I think is a distance running champ. What about a seer? A seer, I don't know where that one comes from, but Hakim Alajuan. I don't think the dream had problems hooking up with white babes. Yeah, dude. Swoosh.

Yeah. Swoosh. Swoosh. Swoosh. 20 minutes. Swoosh. Swoosh. Fuck dude.

No, we gotta go one floor. He's making his career. 11,000, Jesus Christ. You gotta be shitting me. Cool nickname, based on your name. I'm not saying hi from it. Or I mean, why not just go by the flash or laser? Yeah.

That's kind of cool. As long as you're making shit up, laser's nice. They call me Rock Steady. Cool. Or, so let's say your name was Gebra Salasi. What would you tell people to call you? Gabe. Hakim?

Heck. Gabe. And us here. Gabe. So basically, our bit of advice, this is to change your name to Gabe. All right, this podcast has officially been named Gabe. The coolest name you can give something.

Hey guys, I'm Gabe. Gabe is so, I'm also Gabe. Gabe is so cool of a name, we're naming our episode after it, because you know, we can sort of choose any name we want and we choose Gabe. We're the Gabe brothers. Well, when you say it like that, it sounds not like that.

No man, I'm Gabe for you. You're Gabe for me, we're Gabe for each other. We're the Gabe brothers. You're Gabe brothers. Yeah, and we're Gabe brothers. There's nothing Gabe about it. We're just two men, acting and being fully Gabe. Oh my God, we're children.

We're children. Hey, look my finger again like that Gabe that you were doing earlier. Oh no. Um, anything else to tell this dude? I think embrace it, nickname, those are the two options. What more can there be? Don't do drugs.

Oh yeah, I didn't mean to make Molly sound like it was the best drug in the world. Please don't do it. Yeah. Am I behest? Please do never try it. That being said, I'm like one of those alcoholics that comes to talk at school.

Yeah. My word means something because I live the life. I've been there. All right, I hit rock bottom. But I climbed out of the well, didn't I? Actually you have a good story about it on Streeter's podcast which we can plug right now, The Talk of Shame. Yeah.

Streeter is a podcast, our friend Streeter, you guys know him. If you go to talkofshameshow.com I think. I did an episode, Jake did an episode. He's just comedians talking about their most embarrassing story and Jake's is about MDMA. And yours is about skinny dipping. Would you say MDMA didn't have you feeling like a champion?

I definitely not the next day. There was a time where I felt like I could take on the world and perhaps win, or at least I could have been a contender. It certainly is a dangerous delusion of grandeur. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a devil in the morning. What have you told the king at night?

There aren't there like people that take it every single day? Like if you don't have anything left to give, all your happy juices are out. Does it just not do anything? I'm sure it does. Maybe it just releases what little you have. I know they've rebuilt. Maybe they start to, I don't know.

I remember, you showed me actually once an AMA about it. Oh yeah, an AMA about an MDMA. Yeah. An MDMA. And you were saying there were studies where people were doing it every single day. Yeah, like microdose. And then it was okay.

I've been sort of ever since I learned about the thing, how it anatomically releases happy juice. I've been noticing throughout the day where I get a rush of that naturally. Oh, where you feel happy juice coming to you. Yeah. Yeah, just a surge of joy? Yeah.

Of course, all the time. What is that? How do you cause that? For me, it's as simple as a sunset or when a baby smiles at me. All right. When I look out at the ocean and I see the tide coming in and I say, that's constant.

That's forever. That's unchanging. When I'm masturbating to Isis Taylor or Alexis Texas, somebody with a huge ass in it, and I squeeze my penis so hard that it ejaculates, I feel the happy juice come over my brain and out of my body. Yeah. Tell you what, sometimes when I'm hiking

through the mountains and I'm just coming through that green pass into that open pasture and I sit down on my phone and I load xshare.com and I look up a picture of Christina Rose, or Isis Taylor again, somebody with a huge ass and I sit down on my masturbate. That'll make me feel really happy. It's the simple things, it's little things,

watching a bird fly overhead, seeing a dog happily wag its tail running up to its owner saying, I appreciate you and you appreciate me. And sometimes it's printing out a picture of Isis Taylor's ass and just going to town ravaging my own cock and, you know, just. It's happening right now, squeezing my dick.

Just you had a dogfrog with a printed out picture of Isis Taylor, the first just more and more rudimentary ways to jerk off to her. 1991 pornography, I remember my brother, when I was too young to even know what porn was, he was like in maybe fourth or fifth grade, like he figured out how to like get nude black and white photos from the internet

and he printed one out and like brought it to school and it was just like a picture, a printed out photo of a woman's boobies. Fucking magic dude. That's the constant ocean, that's the mountain hike. You can always masturbate, folks. Yeah. We're talking about a different type of happy juice though.

The one that doesn't come out of your urethra. Right. All right. Stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area,

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Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial, everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Third question. Third question. Third question, yeah, I'm different.

Third question, yeah, I'm different. Joe Jonas. Hey guys, I've been going to this coffee shop with a friend and we've both fallen in love with one of the cute baristas. She always talks to us and draws crazy stuff on our coffees. The last time we went, I ordered the usual mocha and she couldn't think of what to draw

so she drew me in my coffee, beard and all with what I believe were hearts as eyes. She even offered to send me a picture of it so I could have her number. But in my nervousness, me and my friend just gave her compliments and left. I know this sounds awesome, but here's the catch, I'm 18 and she's probably in her 20s.

I'm under the impression that my beard makes me look much older and when the seductress finds out my age, I'll be ruined. What, should I forget all that and just ask for her number or should I just forget it and go to college in three weeks with love, Joe Jonas. P.S., this is the coffee. Oh man, that's pretty cool.

We'll post this picture on our website. Yeah, that's awesome, looks kinda like you. Yeah. Um, what should he do? Well, he's putting all that on her right now, but you don't wanna be with me cause I'm 18 and you're in your 20s. She doesn't know how old you are

so you don't know how old she is, buddy. I don't know, what if she's 18? Why don't you at least find out cause then you'll know. Just like ask for her number, you guys are texting, you guys are chatting, if it comes up, it comes up, if it doesn't, hey, maybe she doesn't even wanna know. Maybe she thinks you might be young but she thinks you're cute.

You don't know what she's thinking, she doesn't know what you're thinking, but she drew a picture of you in the coffee so let's exchange numbers and see if you can exchange fluids. You know what I'm saying? Hey! He's dead.

His last words were the Kanye, hey, for what seemed like six seconds. Oh god, here come the crab claws. Like, like Jesus me, who lifted up to the crucifix, the claws are coming out in a t-shirt. People still designing t-shirts. I'd like a picture of me on the cross crab claw. Terrible picture, or terrible t-shirt,

but I would like to see that art. We have talented fans, make it happen, people. Here's the thing, dude, it is so rare in life that someone you think is cute actually flirts with you. You gotta strike now. Especially if you're going to college in three weeks, you gotta get this positive momentum going into college. That's true.

You don't know when this will ever happen again. Or, like, I think that's great because you can either go out on a win or go out on a loss and either way, you're gonna feel fresh and new when you get to college. Right. You're like, fuck, I lost that one. Fresh start, here we go.

We're like, fuck, I went out on a high note. Here we go, let's do it. And at the very least, you have this cute photo of you drawn in coffee. What is this, chocolate? I also kind of feel like people are so nervous that they will do anything to convince themselves that they're not being flirted with.

Right. Oh, that girl made eyes of me. No, she didn't, no, she didn't. I'm not gonna go over there. I'm not talking. Yeah, that's stupid. Oh, that guy, he just checked me up. No, no, no, no, he wasn't looking at me.

Right, maybe he was just doing that because of this, or he's just acting friendly because that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah, why don't you just always assume that people are gonna really like you until they give you a very clear sign that they don't have time. And then you just retreat.

But you should always operate under the assumption that you're good. Here's a good rejection story. This could lead into our break. We were in Montreal last weekend for the Comedy Festival. We went out and we were dancing. And at one point, these two girls were dancing next to us. And it felt like they were looking at us

and I couldn't tell if they were looking at us in a happy way or like an annoyed way. But I was like, I might as well just go for it, say something and see what happens. And so I went over there and I was like, I know it looks very intimidating to dance with us because we're really good. And then she's like, yeah, no,

that's not what I was thinking. And then they walked away. Oh. So that's an example of when it didn't work. Right, but that's funny. Yeah. Now you have that as a fun story. What is that?

You came back to the loving embrace of your dancing friends. Right, the good thing about that is that no one knew. And I didn't have to tell anyone. I just sort of lived with that quiet shame for probably the next 11 days. Oh no. Are you feeling better about it now?

No. Well think about all the times that you hit on somebody and it works. Yeah, yeah, I mean you have to try. That's something I'm not good at either is like biting the bullet and talking to ladies. I usually have my friends do it for me. Right, I'm also a lay and wait guy.

I can't go up and say something that's so hard. But I'm good at like being the guy next to the guy that does that. Yeah, totally, that's great. Yeah, I remember when I was in eighth grade we went on a field trip to New York City, the Big Apple. And my friend, one of my friends named James, he like, we were passing like a group of girls

from like another field trip. Right. And they were walking and like he had been like, he was kind of cute. He was like winking at girls all day and they were like, just thought he was sexy. And I tried it, I was like, hey, and then this girl just goes, you ugly.

Oh no, I wish I never said anything. Especially not, hey. Hey, hey ladies, you're ugly. Okay. That's like what, that's the one traumatic moment. I was like, now I will never talk to anyone again. I think it shaped the way I talk to girls for the rest of my life.

All right. I always. If I say, hey, they'll yell you're ugly. Oh, that reminds me, did we give this guy advice? Cause it reminded me of another funny story that happened in Montreal. I think we will say go for it. All right, great.

Do you remember my brother was in Montreal. So my younger brother was there with his. Micah, we've had him on the show. Micah was there with his nine friends. Yeah. Which is always fun to go around trying to get nine people into a bar at once. Nine guys into a club.

Yeah. So the first night. There's no easier task. The first night we were there, I waited in line with them. We went up to the bar, we went up to the bouncer and he just looked at me and I was like, yeah, you know what's up.

It was like, yeah, it's not going to happen tonight. It was like, there's no way we could, like our friends are up there. I don't know what's going on. Like we could just go in. He's like, not a chance. Like, all right. That felt like saying you're ugly to me.

So they didn't go that night and you came out and you got me in. The next night they went very early cause they wanted to go to this exact same bar. Which is smart. So they got there at like nine. And they still weren't allowed in. But this time they were with two girls

and they were like, they forgot her purse upstairs. Can we all go check? And they let a bunch of them upstairs to go look for this girl's purse under the guys who were looking for this purse. Micah ducked under the rope and followed them in. So he texted me, this, wanna find the exact exchange, this is pretty great.

Why did he duck under a rope if he said he had to go look for a purse? Well, there was nine of them. So they let some of, like a swath of them up and then like Micah ducked under the rope to sneak in just to go along with his friends. So. Sorry, excuse me.

You're crying. So he texts at 941, at apartment 200. That was the bar. Yeah. 941, at apartment 200. 947, six minutes later, LOL got kicked out. I texted him back right away. What, why?

Text me back. Long story, text me back at 7.02. 12 minutes later, got back in exclamation point. Pretty dope turnout if you wanna come through. Wait, 7.02 as in 10.02 p.m. Oh yeah, sorry, 10.02, right. All right, so he had gotten kicked out for they like found him sneaking under the velvet rope,

brought him back out, kicked him out, wouldn't let him in. And apparently he went back to the bouncer and he was just like, I'm sorry I was dishonest. All of my friends are inside. I don't know what else to do. You have to let me up. They took pity on him, they let him in. Wow.

So later on we got there and at this bar, one of the people who ran it was like a college humor fan and he came up and he bought us shots. And another one of the managers came around and found me was like, hey, I run this place. Like we're glad that you're here. They were like, they, I think they were like treating comedians well who were in town for the festival.

Right. And he was like, my name's Frank. Let's take a shot together. I was like, all right, cool. We walked over to the bar to take this shot. And as we were walking out, my brother, Mike, he came out of the bathroom. And I was like, oh, Frank, this is my little brother,

Micah, and Frank is the guy that kicked him out before. He's like, your brother's a limbo artist. But I love him to death. And so we took the shot, they like shook hands. And then I saw them having a conversation. I went and found you. Then I hadn't seen Micah for a while. I went back to the bar to try to find him.

He was just there, arms around, Frank and their arms around each other. They were taking another shot and he just, and he looked at me, he was like, you have to take this shot for me. His eyes just like glossing over. So I grabbed the shot and immediately, right as I took it from him, the bartender poured another one,

put it down right in front of him. I'm like, I can just shut his eyes. He was like, he was done. Micah and Frank, the limbo artists. Micah, if you're listening to this, I know you aren't. We miss you. Poetic. Felt like poetic justice.

We should say that Micah died that night. That was like the big story. I did wake up both nights in Montreal, like hoping that he didn't die. Cause both nights I left him and he was just drunk. We survived. He lived to see another day. 20 year olds are very resilient.

He's 21. He's fucked. All right, last question real quick. Right quick. Zero to 100. Real quick. Oh, also Tickets Still Available for our show and our live podcast in London.

More info on our website. So if you're in London. Go. Yeah, we'd love to see you there. It's gonna be an 800, it's an 800, it's not going to be, it is an 800 person theater, which imagine doing a podcast in front of 800 people. That'd be so fun.

That'll definitely be a record for me. Yeah. Our biggest crowd was like 200. Yeah. This is at least 30 times that. Oh. Last one is Kevin Jonas writes. Hey guys, big fan and surprisingly,

I'm not a 15 year old boy. I'm a 23 year old girl in my first ever relationship and I need your help. All right. I've been dating my boyfriend for about two months and we've been extremely close. Like as close as couples who have dated for a year. Well, recently we were talking about

when we first started hanging out. We had sex the first night and he asked if that was a normal thing for me. My tipsy self decided that this was a good time to reveal that I've had my fair share of one night stands in college. This made him second guess our relationship and he says he can't trust me now. I'm 100% committed to him,

but he says it will take a while to earn back his trust. So I guess my question is, how can I reassure him that I'm not a cheater and to fix this new view of me as a total slut? Also, why do girls get in so much trouble for a little sex in the past while guys are applauded? Help me out with that one, Jake. Thanks.

Kevinia Jonas. Is she saying that I would never not applaud somebody who had sex in the past? Male or female? I think it's beautiful. See this guy, this asshole turd boyfriend is what we don't want our finger like a guy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, the guy is cool.

The guy is neat. You gotta admit that. He's gotta earn her trust back. He slept with someone. She retroactively cheated on him. She's not after they were going out, but before. Right.

You remember back before they even met each other when she slept with someone? That's cheating. That's unlawful. You gotta re-earn my trust. And it's gonna take some fucking time. You better commit your past self to me and me only. I really hope that your past self will somehow

go back in time and unsleep with those people. Baby, would you tell me you're a virgin? Would you mind terribly telling me you're a virgin and actually meeting it? Yeah. You can't just lie to me. I want you to go back. Marty McFly style and kill your former lovers one by one.

Actually, this is a great movie idea. It's called The Terrible Boyfriend. Back to the future, part four. So you're saying this guy gives guys a bad name? Well, this guy gives guys, we don't want that first guy who's like, you can't lick other guy's fingers to be like this guy's. Like you can't have slept with other guys in the past.

Like we don't want guys to be jealous and unsh. Like say you have to earn my trust back. We get a lot of questions from jealous guys and guys are also the ones with the most abhorrent behavior. And girls, I'm not gonna say always, but by and large, at least from our emails, are the ones who are on better behavior asking questions like this, I am committed to him.

How do I prove that to him? Yeah. When you shouldn't have to. Yeah, you know? Just because you had one night stands before you guys knew each other. Back before you knew, that's the wild west. Doesn't matter, anything goes.

That doesn't mean anything. You don't have to re-earn his trust. You haven't done anything bad. Right. I don't know. This guy's a turd Ferguson. So that's what you say. You say, hey, I haven't done anything to lose your trust.

So I don't need to re-earn my trust. If anything, you have to now re-earn my trust because it's become clear to me that you're a doof. Yeah. You're a mean doof. But think about where this is coming from. It's a place of insecurity, doubt. He's not feeling very worthy.

He's not feeling good about himself. He feels like these other guys diminished him. And I know that you know that they haven't. We all know that's not the case. But if you want to placate him, which I'm not saying you do, you could say something along the lines of, this happened before I met you.

You can trust me. I love you. You only. And that's all you should have to do. If you want to be open and direct with him and tell him how you really feel, which it sounds like you're saying, I want you to know that I'm committed.

But I do not think that you should lose the angle of unimpeachable integrity in that you haven't cheated on him. You just slept with people before you even knew he existed. Right. He should know that this is, it's a big ask. He shouldn't feel like he's in the right.

If anything, he should be groveling, being like, I feel weak and sad. And will you please just tell me things are gonna be okay? I know I'm a coward and a loser, but just tell me you really like me and that nobody else was good at sex. I don't, I don't even care if it's true. Just tell me, make me feel better.

I want to be the best in your eyes. And then you can treat him like the baby that he is. But if he wants to be treated like an adult, then he can't, he can't like, he can't say that you have to earn his trust. Yeah, that's such a dick thing to say. It's just weird. I think a lot of guys when they get insecure,

he wants to like elevate himself. But you must earn my trust. But like what's going on in his body is his like, his dick is shriveled and his heart's broken. He's like, earn my trust, you little floozy. But he's like, oh shit, shit, love me. It's like Calvin saying that to his dad. You have to earn my respect.

It's like, no I don't. I'm the adult and you're the little baby boy. I don't like this guy. Or you could just play him this part of the podcast and be like, see, these guys think you're wrong and I'm right. Yeah, he's wrong. But a big part of it is understanding

where it's coming from and not that it's like, he's not necessarily evil, just very, very misguided. Also, why do girls get so much trouble for having sex in the past while guys are applauded? I don't know. Isn't that, that's like an age old problem. Right. I said we stop that right now.

We start applauding everyone for having sex in the past. Yeah, so it's not hurting anybody. Having sex in the past, that's great. Yeah. Good for you. In fact, let's make it better for girls than for guys. That way we sort of even the playing field historically. Let us be the first to offer this round of applause for anybody who's gotten laid.

A round of applause is both of us clapping, dude. One, two, three. Very to da. All right, let's. Hard to clap with these pinchers I got here. Just the sound of two plastic claws hitting each other. Yeah, that's our time. That's more than our time.

Thank you so much to everybody that wrote in. Oh, also did I say, oh yeah, we did. Kylie wrote that opening theme song. If this is your first episode, just know that we open and close every episode with original theme songs written by you. That's right, you can submit your own theme song and send it to ifirishow at gmail.com.

That first one is written by Kylie and this last one was written by Max Trepenbach. All right, Max, hey, thank you. Thanks, guys. We'll be back on Monday. Peace. Okay, if I were you to show, it's a podcast with a funker. Hey, donkeys, every Monday, so you just need to know

it's about to show off all the radio. Swimming, so much will seem like like a house. And I mean, look at yourself, do you need some help? Good, that's just where they excel. Pick you up if you fell, snail trail, that's now. Two smart quirky juice giving you an excuse to get loose to your bruise or maybe some l-l-lose and even light a fuse.

Fuck it, oh, listen to if I were you. Uh-huh. Okay. You're listening to if I were you.