If I Were You - 94: Ex-Girlfriends

Episode Date: August 11, 2014

In this episode we discuss weddings, parties, and inventions.This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com and SlugBooks.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Sometimes you're in a sticky situation, a diet straight. I am blazed, high stone, and gone. You can feel the straight head. If I were you, here's what I would do, go to Starbucks in a muck, then I'd tie the news. Advice podcast, with some nerdy Jews, fake names, make it so you don't know who's who. Ask them a question and they'll answer any sitch, even if a mirror's wrong you can ask the pinch, pinch a nipple, punch a cripple, email if you're in a pickle, mom turn off the podcast while I say that pussy trickle, cause I'm here to seize the cheese, and trust

me, that was the first time that I sneezed. This advice is what they say and they believe in, if you can't handle being put in blasts, you should leave. And uh, fuck the fucking beats, shit ass, put it back and put it in. Okay. He's on a joke. That's good. Jokey joe.

Jokey joke indeed. That was written, directed, produced, starring, recorded. Who, who had the flow is what I want to know. His name is Arya. Love it. His website is musicsafsaf.com. He has music.com as his fucking domain name. M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C-S-I-C-S-A-M-U-S-I-C

I feel like if you're gonna do music something it should be like a noun hmm like musicpie.com music worm oh let me check let me check if that's available music worm yeah yeah that's good is it is it available music worm music worm is it it is not available though you can buy it right now for $4,000 let me check if music pie is available music pie is not available either how much is that one for sale for it's not no they're not even making everybody they know they know it's a gold mine yeah you don't you don't just sell you don't sell art not when you got music you sit on it and you collect it give me another noun music curtain

music that's kind of that's a little cumbersome I don't even want to waste okay I was just looking around the room I need like a single oh that's good he's back music I didn't trust my gut that was the problem music fish is taken really music mucus music mucus you really want to use that I know but it's kind of it's kind of fun to look at now music mucus.com is available of course it is people don't really know how to spell mucus and how would you spell it? MUCHUS? MUCHUS? I spelled M-U-C-U-S all right let's do well look up how to spell mucus yeah we're just getting further into the

43 minutes later. Booger musicus.org look at how to look about a spell it you don't you don't trust me on M-U-C-U-S I do kind of mucus M-U-C-U-S to find those yeah mucus not or phlegm try a try with an H see if there are two ways to spell it yeah there's the old the old Yiddish way to spell it yeah MUCHUS mm-hmm oh that's much your thing you have MUCHUS gracias all right I remember on music plant yeah music oh that's good music plant music I can't believe how long this is going it's taken music button that'll be taken right it's gotta be taken no one is interested in this okay I got one while

spelling music button it searched music but and music but is available well music but that's really good hey so music staff I'm gonna email you before if you want more traffic to your website purchase music but calm I'll let you know before this episode comes out so you can you can yeah you know what everybody go to music but calm that's his new website music but calm thank you make it forward to music staff it's not hard that is our time thank you very much that this has been the domain name suggestion show thank you I am Roger I am Tom that is Ebert what I'm Roger you're Ebert okay we're coincidence we

were both named after yeah this is live is no is he still alive oh no he's dead and also Gene Siskel also passed a long time ago mm-hmm all right P hey this is if I were you the only advice podcast that you wouldn't know it on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Josh and we are just having a wacky wacky good time it's been a long day for us so we're a little bit loopy we're high off-life how does this show work people who are in dire need of our advice email us at a fiery show at gmail.com and then we answer those questions on this here podcast that is the best you've ever done that's the best you've ever done

if this is it please let me know you should we should reclaim that yeah record this in your head before every single every yeah like I'm starting for my bar mitzvah put it on a cassette tape and I'll press play I'll listen to it on a walk and before I go to bed it was so perfect so should we get this party started right why not well I'll tell you why not we need we need a fake name because these real emails from real people have to be disguised a little bit to preserve their anonymity oh that's true so why don't you give this person I'll read the first email you give me give me a fake name for them okay

it's a teenager that helps oh yeah a teenager we'll call him Roger Klotz oh I like that very funny we'll get to that later hey guys I'm a 17 year old girl from London whoa maybe we should change her name to Patty yeah you said I said a teen and you your sexist mind couldn't even compute the fact that a girl could write an email is that what it is let's keep her named Roger female named Roger writes I'm a 17 year old girl from London so please forgive me for my English grammar this Friday there's a party for 15 to 18 year olds in and around my burrow the hosts are calling it and after exam celebration I have a

few questions about this one will it be weird if I go to this party because I'm 17 am I too old to I'm not sure if any of my closer friends will be up for it I haven't asked him yet but I'm sure that I'll see people I know for safety and social reasons is it bad that I show up alone three as I'm sure you can tell I haven't been to many teen parties and that's where my concerns are coming from that first one I went to was for my friend's 18th birthday in May I had fun I danced and drank a bit but I got a little self-conscious because I saw a girl who knew me as a really studious person I felt somewhat awkward and I

kind of just sat down for an hour and a half until my mom picked me up I just really want to know how one acts at a party thanks love Roger Klotz tell you what Roger don't go to the party yeah I think after hearing your email you're not the kind of person I'd want around she can relax I'm fine I'm just I just want to know I just want to know what if somebody sees me and she thinks I'm studious yeah sorry so it's for 15 18 year olds and I'm 17 am I too old for the party if I go should I go with alone or with friends is that fine I went to a party before and I saw a girl that I knew there and I just freaked out so I

sat down for an hour and a half and then my mom came and got me I'm really looking forward to this party tell me if I should go I'm kind of nervous because I'm I'm in the age range but is that too old if you say that I should go I have a couple follow-up questions for you namely what time should I show up what time should I leave how many beverages should I consume and should they be beer should they be liquor should they be a wine should I smoke a cigarette if I'm offered should I take a puff of weed if I'm offered if I'm not high do I ask to smoke more weed or do I pretend that I'm high if I pretend that I'm high will people know

that I'm pretending that I'm high what if I get too high what if my mom comes and picks me up and she's late and I'm waiting for her outside and somebody comes up and talks to me how do I start a conversation what will I say to them you don't always have to ask questions you don't always have to know the answer sometimes you just show up at the party and you let the you go with the flow oh yeah that's where that phrase it's a little song I made up it's called go with the flow go with the flow oh oh go with the flow oh go with the flow oh oh go with the flow cut to her singing this at the party everyone's throwing I don't

know Scotch eggs at her what do English people eat at parties what are you nailed it with Scotch eggs it's a Scotch egg party I believe it's an egg that's rolled around in some sort of dough and then deep-fried I just love how I feel like everyone has these questions but their micro their micro thought of at the party they just like ruffle through your mind while you don't really consider them she's actually like taking the time to like sit down like yeah I'm not sure if any of my friends will go should I go alone when should I get there for safety and social reasons is it bad to show up alone like

these are the micro thoughts that you have when you're walking into a party but you can try to maybe that's what the alcohol is for it sort of numbs that analytical part of your brain and it just like says to yourself hey none of this stuff actually matters it's a party yeah as far as the age range is concerned you told us it's a party for 15 to 18 year olds you're not even 15 or eight you're not even borderline you're smart if you're not sick the perfect age 17 or the two good ages that's the sweet spot right there if anything 17 is better because then you're a little bit older yeah you got the upper hand you

have the perfect age for it 15 to 18 year old 17 prune perfect if it bad if I show up alone I guess it's a little weird you don't want to get you know I don't think it's fine I don't think you can personally handle it me or no this yeah this girl I think she's got her I think she's got too much on my mind somebody that way at the very least you can talk to them and have a glass of wine before you do oh yeah I get a little she's 17 I don't want to drink ages in London or what I'll 18 okay 18 don't do anything that I said then yeah obey the law yeah of course I think that'll be the most fun type of party yeah I know

obey the law party the law party none of it matters nothing matters we're all gonna die we're all here for we're all we're all pathetic little butterflies that are flapping our wings and and it nothing's important nothing lasts forever we're all dust in the wind do whatever you want I don't take the party so seriously but like honestly girl like you got it going on yeah like if you're like listening to this show honey I like yeah I think you're you're a dime you're a you're a dime or whatever that whatever and not a dime a dozen a 10-pence you're a dot you're a 10-pence a 10-pence piece yeah a 10th of a quid

you're a pound 10 of a pound specifically yeah chill out relax have fun you're beautiful you're gonna have fun at the party if you don't think so much and the more parties you go to the more relaxed you'll be the first party you go to you're gonna be a little you're gonna be a little freaked out that's why when you saw someone you know oh by the way you will see people that you know at this party to ideally yeah but don't freak out don't just sit down and wait until your mom comes a valuable thing that you that everybody should know is that no one is paying more attention to you than you are to yourself right that's

especially true at like dance parties if you think that that girl is saw you and she's like oh she usually studies what a this is a sort of so strange and then she told people she saw you and was like okay and then she was like deep into her own insecurities and like what guy she wanted to kiss her how much she was drinking or maybe her hips or the silhouette of her hips looks like a pumpkin yeah every wolf okay or something I know pumpkin yeah maybe everybody has their own hang-ups and you're getting lost in yours thinking that other people are thinking about your hang-ups but they're not they're just

thinking about their own and the best thing you can do is set them free and just go off and have a good time be like hey nobody cares everybody's gonna die we're all beautiful what's your hang-up when you walk into a party I guess I would like to be I don't know when I walk into like what am I insecure about yeah what are you hoping nobody or everybody notices about you I don't think I'm really thinking like when I walk into a party what am I thinking about yeah I guess I don't ever want to I don't want to look like I'm alone or like I don't know what where I'm going right so I wouldn't want to but I don't

really think about this a lot at all but I guess it would I would cross my mind if I like walked in somewhere and I didn't know how to get a drink I wouldn't like that I wouldn't be I don't want to be like oh where's the you don't want to ask anybody where's the bar and I'm walking around and I don't know what's going on I also don't really like to be seen waiting in the bathroom line that looks like a I'm like a weak guy with a little a bad little bladder like I'm going to do something private excuse me so you if you have to use the restroom there's line you just don't wait I I guess I would if I really had to use the

restroom but it's on my mind when I'm when I'm waiting but you know yeah so you don't like to be seen waiting yeah like if I'm waiting if I'm waiting in line for the restroom which I will do it's not like I'm above waiting in right but like I would feel vulnerable like if I was waiting in line for the restroom and like an attractive girl came up and she saw me she's like hey how are you I'd be like oh this is that I don't want her to know that I'm pee like have to pee because maybe there's nothing cool you could do when you're waiting in line like you're looking at your phone it's kind of like a yeah nobody wants to be

like the guy at the party I look at you and you're on Instagram yeah I would really that's maybe that's one of my insecurities at a party I don't want to be on my phone right very much don't want to be on my phone and it's hard because sometimes you're like that you meet people at that party too you're like oh my friends are texting me they need to know how to get here or even text texting which is relatively cool is still a little bad it looks a little lame you look everybody on a phone just looks lame at a party you look like yeah you look like you're you need it's like you might as well be playing a game on your

phone right looking at across like a crowded bar or something and just seeing like people's faces illuminated with the blue light of shame like oh no that person's not in the moment that person's not enjoying themselves that person does not have fun what's your thing maybe style like a specific thing that I'm wearing like remember when we were at the party recently and you everyone told me to button up my short sleeve shirt all the way to the top yeah so like when I have that going on I just can't not think about that and I hope to God one it doesn't look stupid and two if it looks cool it's not like oh who's that

guy trying to look cool did you think about it all night when you had it on maybe not all night but it like definitely like when I meet someone I'm like oh gosh they they're looking at that button that specific button that I have buttoned I have to like act like I created this trend even though I'm right right now the last person to join it maybe since then it's changed because it's been a week but yeah yeah right I think it looks cool and you thanks to appreciate welcome well I did it because you said it would look cool yeah yeah yeah all right moving on moving on oh I don't know if that toot picked up on

microphone but jig just toot it you toot it no I did not to it was your toot I didn't toot yes you did mine aren't high pitch like that I didn't remember yours you're you just minor will be cushioned no you just they're deep staccato I resent this I resent this might sound like the drum might sound like a drum you're really being really competitive right now still playing level 48 all right ooh another female baby bluff wow going that the b-side thank you baby bluff right hey guys so my sister recently got engaged and even though the wedding is in until next year I've been thinking a lot about it I am a lesbian

and my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now I love her with all my heart and I want to take her to the wedding the only problem is my future brother-in-law's grandparents slash family are very traditional and think my sexual orientation is a sin and that I will burn in hell I really want to take my girlfriend but I am worried that it will cause his family to be upset and I don't want to create any problems my sister and her fiance are very supportive of us but I'm still not sure I don't just want to take her and act platonically should I not go with her or just say fuck you and

take her anyway thanks baby bluff or should I just say fuck you to them and take her anyway quick answer fuck you take her anyway see that's what I thought you'd say but think about it a little bit she might ruin not that she will do it but bringing the girlfriend might ruin the wedding she doesn't want to be responsible for that it won't ruin the wedding it might if all these people are angry at her they won't be but what if they are then they can fuck off but they're they could rot in hell so they're the ones but if it because it's their hate yeah they're vitriol their hate but is it is it is it by bringing it

they can't dictate you can't dictate with hate all right so ever never so if they're like we will walk out of the wedding the entire family will walk out of the wedding if you bring the girl fun you would still say yeah that's on you yes of course even and then you feel like you're taking you are on the wrong side of history you're taking the moment away from you're not that I agree with no you're sharing the moment with your loved ones and they should be sharing the moment with their loved ones and that person's loved ones and these two loved ones aren't saying to anybody that you should invite your loved ones no

no anybody they're making this about so they're making about hate when it should be about love yeah and I don't I don't side with the quote-unquote enemy the biggest yeah but at the same time what if what if you bring them and then it just creates bring your girlfriend and it creates this weird situation where the wedding is ruining that you have that on your conscience a little bit I wouldn't be on your conscience it shouldn't be on your conscience you didn't ruin the wedding you just brought a date you brought somebody you love to the wedding so let's say you were dating I guess you can't be dating a lesbian let's say

you're dating like an Asian woman and your brother was getting married and the brother's wife's entire family vehemently hated Asian people and where they were like if if I see an Asian person at this wedding it's gonna create a huge chaotic mess well and it'll be it'll disrupt the wedding this is all not ladies head first of all that's true yeah this might not be true they might just like nobody like I don't think yeah it's insane for them to be like we hate lesbians so much that if one shows up at our wedding party leave yeah no nobody's looking at the at the groom sisters date right but I don't think it's

I think you're gonna fly under the radar more than you think but you can see why she's apprehensive she doesn't want to create any any like take any attention away from her sister all I can imagine is um I mean fuck the the spouse's parents right their hate yeah all I can imagine is her saying like to her loved one I don't want to subject you to their scorn right you don't deserve that right I wouldn't like any amount of discomfort that the bigots feel I think is justified and I think they deserve to be punched in the throat oh wow they think yeah I think the physical physical I think it's about time we rose

against bigots physically yes physically interesting theory is it is it legal to punch someone if they're being racist towards you racism is illegal isn't it I don't think it is right racist is not illegal thinking racist thoughts is not illegal right stupid freedom of expression and shit oh yeah why can't we just create a world where racism was outlawed should be can we just make racism illegal should be we should is that I wonder if that exists anywhere in the world where it's like if you have negative thoughts about other people based on you have a racist dream yeah would you say that's a utopian

future sounds like a little dystopian future if people can see your dreams it's an it's definitely an interesting philosophical debate for sure should racism be illegal I'm gonna Google that later we're gonna put up the question on musicbutt.com a message board way in so you're saying bringer of course I say ask your lady friend if she even wants to go to this wedding based on all the information you don't want to bring her there and then have like a blindsider with his hate what if I lay the cards out on the table but you shouldn't be like don't present the information in the way that makes it sound like you

don't want her to go to you don't want to be like hey this wedding is coming up this whole family doesn't even want you there do you want to come like hey this wedding is really important to me I would love to have you there I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable these people are bigots they these people are assholes but I want you there and I think we can still dance the night away and have a great time and you know if their hate gets the best of them it won't get the best of us yeah that's a good line they won't they hate won't get the best of us I don't think so if anything it should unify you guys and make you

stronger if anything you should get married that day what you want to steal attention from your sister you get married that's a good idea yeah you guys bump and grind on the dance floor yeah like as your mid 69 as the father is hanging his head in shame saying I would have been fine with anything but this you you've you've turned this entire thing into a mid-coitus yeah a sex show and then you say will you marry me to your girlfriend and you use the same priest that's all that's catering yeah so in a way that you're in a way this this bigot father actually paid for the wedding yeah hopefully

fortunately enough gay marriage is legal in this state that the that the other marriages though that wedding is happening you better believe you never want to be the last state that legalizes something right so finally Wyoming is just like fuck it all right everyone knows you were last Wyoming it could be legal and why we don't even know why I'm I would I would imagine it's not I would estimate it's an Alabama an Alabama or a Mississippi will be the last last yeah we're looking at 49 and 50 right there I don't know smart monies on Alabama I'll check the Vegas books see what they have what the line is on

last I think Mississippi Mississippi yeah cuz Alabama's got some colleges yeah yeah yeah liberal hubs for sure yeah Tuscaloosa good luck Godspeed let us know how the wedding is bring your lady friend yeah have fun do it it's a wedding you guys to do it weddings are fun because it's other people paying for you to have fun they're not fun for the people getting married right but they're fun for well it's fun to celebrate love yeah that's weddings aren't just fun because they're free shit well it's like a free dinner also weddings are kind of expensive you're not for you oh for the person going yeah well I mean you

just not if it's like let's say you're someone's getting married in LA I just slap on a suit go have a really nice free dinner right what about the wedding that we had to go to that we got in San Francisco oh that chore that was that punishment you mean yeah all right I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm can all night forever I love you guys you're almost booed out of that one for bringing your Asian lesbian girlfriend remember yeah but that was only cuz I just met her that night all right should we take a break or answer one more question let me check the time oh we can answer one more question okay we need to

name Skeeter Mosquito Valentine his name is Mosquito his real name is Mosquito mm terrible name I shall name you after the bug everyone hates the bee I guess bee is a nice name mosquitoes are bad one wasp also worse yeah wasps are the worst because they're just their ornery and their mean and they can sting forever yeah they're like bees but the boss the boss level in a bee game all right ready yeah hey guys I recently joined in on the Tinder game my initial intention was to use it to meet girls in my area who were interested in a casual one-night-stand type relationship pretty standard so far yep that's correct

last week I matched with someone almost instantly and got her number when we started talking I found out she lived about a two-hour drive away from Sydney Australia and was only there for the day although she said she came down frequently my problem here is this after about a week of constant talking I've started to develop feelings for this person I haven't even met yet I still want to have sex with her but I don't want to go too deep no pun intended and become involved in a not only serious but long-distance relationship we have a lot in common and both seem to find each other very attractive so do I continue

on further down this rabbit hole of emotion and uncertainty or do I abort and keep on swiping advice from both of you is appreciated and even though he cops heaps of crap for these kinds of things I will take a mere's advice just as seriously as jakes thanks for your help you got to be careful here dude you do not don't it sounds like you guys are in the fast track towards marriage you said you've been messaging for a week and you haven't met yet but you find each other very attractive and you have a lot in common so that sounds like you guys are I mean exclusive at this point to be sure at the very least in love I

say you pull the pull Dave Coulee and cut it out cut it out you got to cut this bitch off dude it's not only in the bud but before the bud she's obsessed with you right now and it's not healthy it's not good you're she's suffocating you I mean it's been I mean it's been a couple days now I'm I'm I'm I applaud this guy for being so against relationships that he's willing to cut off a relationship because he has something he likes this girl over text what you have is called a crush yeah it's I have to stop it right now I can only only sleep with people I don't like it has to be completely meaning yeah it has to be

absolutely platonic God can you imagine worst-case scenario I meet this girl and I don't even want to say it but like her yeah there's a zero tolerance policy here imagine if I like her I can't imagine that and then what we just just get along yeah right now we we don't hate each other yeah but he is trying to be very pragmatic and avoid a long-distance thing so early on in the game well yeah you don't you're he's being pragmatic he's being neurotic he hasn't even met the person yet right but if what if he does meet her and he does end up in a long-distance relationship God forbid you meet her like her and

fuck her I mean shit that'd be horrible right I think you have the you've got this incredible out of I don't want to seriously date anybody that lives two hours from me oh that's a good one there you go sleep with her or don't sleep with her just to sleep with her but I mean meet up with her hang out see if you like her see if you guys vibe see if she likes you see if you guys want to explore that part of a relationship that's all good that's all cool and then if you know she wants more and you don't then you can be straight up with her and just say I don't want to get into a relationship with somebody that lives so

far away but you do sort of understand a little bit like if you're in a mode of like I don't want to be in a relationship and you start liking someone don't you also find yourself sometimes like wanting to cut it off before it gets too serious I've never ever had the problem of like starting to like someone by accident I always don't like anything I don't know what that is to be like oh no I'm getting close to you and I didn't want this it's just like oh okay I don't like you or care about you at all right you can just good you never did or you just turn it off after bonage I can turn it on and off like like lights yeah

actually easier than lights because sometimes you forget to turn lights off yeah while you always just constantly dislike people this is sort of these are automatic lights I don't even have to think not even the clapper that requires they're not a clapper there's not they're not a dimmer these are these are outdoor garage lights yeah the automatic ones that you feel like you've never had to replace you never have to think about on and off yeah convenient and they are they are fluorescent so when I start to get emotional it's just nope it's black I'm not yeah just abject you can't even tell if your eyes are open or closed it

is just pitch pitch tar empty my eyes are open my eyes are closed my heart is broken and so is my nose your nose is really is broken yeah yeah you walked into the garage door yes too dark the lights did not go on so what would you suggest I would keep talking to her yeah worst-case scenario you like a girl no point in cutting off somebody off before you even meet them that's very very premature yeah that's crazy premature you downloaded Tinder to have a one-night stand you accidentally been chatting with the girl for a couple days that's okay see what happens yeah I don't think you're getting too

close right now I don't think that's happening at all yeah but hmm he is doing it right he's awesome he's in Australia so I can only assume everyone so it's very attractive yeah I've never met an Australian that was under six foot five 210 we should go to Australia right oh yeah we should go to Australia I really would like to go let's make a pact right now we never go to Australia because I'm afraid of meeting this girl yeah and falling in love with her yeah right now I'm sort of into like that we're getting close with her that single life though yeah that's like that's a little life though oh all right

now we could take a break thank you finally is there anything you wanted to discuss or stretch our stuff out I don't know if there was anything we wanted to talk about specifically this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to

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that is to go to Squarespace comm slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace comm slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace what else summer is almost over it's crazy it flew by didn't yeah we were looking forward to summer all year long and by the time this episode comes out it'll be mid-august we're recording this in January by the time this episode comes

out in mid-august it's good it is it's crazy to think about August when you're in high school August sucks yeah August is so God it's over it's over this is it and it's a what now August is the Sunday of the summer have I said that before and your birthday is in August yeah is that a bad thing my birthday was always early enough in August that it was okay and my family also would always go on vacation in August so I was in a way be like excited a little bit but it was yeah it was bittersweet like the the end of that vacation was really the end of the summer for me it was like we'd get back have three days before school and

did you dread dread dread school yeah like it was like back to school shopping like gave you hives oh yeah I would I was like a those like seeing starting to see those commercials like in July and August it's the opposite of a Christmas no didn't you he loved back to school yeah I was like I was the one that was like mommy take me to staples today oh I don't know it's still July oh who cares and I was just like flying down the aisle like with one of my feet on the cart just gliding down the aisles wide-ruled college rules the highlighters dividers they're all great and they're all now

dividers had a weird story that you had where you like went to school at the oh yeah have I told this on the show I don't know you told it to me once it was so sad I was like this is like the ultimate like son of non-Americans my parents don't know what rules are for American schools they're just like we got this class list and it was like supplies and it was like come to school with two notebooks and so my mom just gave me two notebooks and I was like all right these are this is third grade so it's like the first time we ever had to bring notebooks and I was like wide-ruled notebooks or college ruled

notebooks like all right sure I come in and like I have like one notebook that has like Marvin the Martian on it like the spine is at the top and it's like a three and a half by five index card size it's like the kind you give to like little kids to like pretend they're playing detective and the other one is like even smaller than it's like a booklet it's like a book of coupons it's so small and I was like all right take out your take out your notebooks everyone has their mead wide-ruled standardized notebooks and I'm just like oh shit I just like slide mine into my cubby and be like I forgot mine at home

you didn't even try to bring out the Marvin the Martian no imagine my shock and horror and shame if I brought that out and be like this is my notebook bitches I never recovered from that yeah you still carry around a notebook to this day yeah people still call me Marvin oh my god you know what's a good thing is that I have some friends that always have a pen on them I think I'm gonna start doing that it's a it's a convenient thing when it happens yeah but it's inconvenient when it explodes in your pocket okay never mind I'm not gonna do that anymore smart I've got pens I've got pens like on my around me I

have one I always keep one in my backpack that's good I always keep one in that that tin box in my room of course the tin the pen box I always keep one in the in the glove compartment of my car or in the center console of my car yeah so you always have my orbit I know where they are the backpacks usually the most convenient you know what I'd like is a pen holder in a shoe I'd like my new balance shoes to have a pen holder I can slide it in slide it out I always got a pen on me because I always got my shoes I don't know my shoes I'm at home I got my pen at home if I'm out and about I got my shoe you got a shoe pen this is

me on Shark Tank a shoe anyway the shoe pens retail for $295 obviously it's a regular shoe that we do a lot of work on after the fact I want you guys to buy 5% of the company for $1.6 million no fun way to start that is sharks the one of you have a pen they all do okay give me all give you all give me the pens all right sharks does anyone here have a pen no I do all my writing on my phone one of you guys still has a second pen how the fuck where do you keep it I have one of my shoe at all times really so it already exists my god I should have researched the marketplace now I feel like not so much of an early adopter

it's not a crazy idea it isn't it isn't it isn't the most a dumb idea I can see it in like the invention convention yeah the con invention yeah is that a thing the invention convention you never had it no oh is that a high school thing no we had it in third grade oh third and fourth grade I think it was the invention convention and everybody comes up with an invention we make a prototype and then you have like the convention you when you go on to the statewide mash you remember what the popular ones from your school or anything better than a shoe pen try to think what the I only I can only remember

mine and it was really bad mine was a harmonica but there was a post-it note at the end of it my well my initial one was the beach cart and it was a wagon that you could bring on the beach that cuz it had like bigger inflatable tires a wagon yeah it was like a kind of like a you know how wagons have thin wheels that you wouldn't imagine being used on the you can drag a wagon across the beach yeah but then like you could have big inflatable tires that would be easier to move on the beach so that was my invention but it had existed sharks how many of you here have a wagon right now who here's dragging their wagon don't

make fun of me yet because my second mention was even worse save your insults it's called the bookshelf organizer okay and I guess my mind I thought a problem that existed in society was if you had a shelf with too many books on it you can find the titles that you wanted okay so this was so far this is a somewhat of a problem I can understand you yeah this thing just had slots so just sort of imagine a bookshelf I'm already way ahead of you ever since you started talking about bookshelf okay so instead so then there were also these other vertical compartments sort of like dividers and

dividers throughout but it was on a sliding scale so you could you could remove one of the think I use like it's almost like the like particle board you could like slide it over and have like all of all your books it's almost like a vertical dresser yeah yeah you could say sliding stuff out sliding stuff out vertically instead of horizontally I think you're giving me too much credit I want you to fare it back just a little realize how it was really just a divider it wasn't like a drawer of books oh so you pulled the divider out yeah it was just like another little it was like a sleeve of particle board mm-hmm so like

you could have three books and then a piece of particle board and then two books a piece of particle right five books a piece of particle board but if you wanted to you could remove the piece of the particle board so there'd be like eight books in a row right two books it's very multifaceted yeah yeah two five literally any number of books you can well and yeah there was like an unlimited number of slots so you can move the particle board yeah at your whim so there was yeah so sometimes you could have like a small compartment sometimes you could have a wide compartment the bookshelf organizer not really organizer

as much as it does just group the books the books yeah it's a decompartmentalizer it's it was it didn't win I got it definitely got second place it did not win no ribbons for you not second place I don't think I placed yeah it was a disgrace and it backfired of my and actually my books were all misplaced all right good solid so that's the break that's the break that's the ideal break that was the brakes yeah then was the break one last question let's do that even though we're already at the 40-ish minute mark and I'm delirious are you just delirious right now yeah I'm delirious we had a full day a full day

that started at noon all right but it's 11 yeah that's true 11 hours also we need a last name or sorry we need a first name we need the last first name give me a fucking name is it a guy or a girl dude it's a guy mr. dink nice thank you Lamar bone himself all right boys buckle up so I've been dating this girl for two years when we went to school and did the long distance thing Miami New York while we were at school we kind of had a don't ask don't tell policy so we both knew that she had gotten with a couple people but she thought that I hadn't been with anyone actually I had been with 15 ish we picked up right where

we left off during each break but once summer came around she decided that things weren't the same and broke up with me shortly after the breakup I left my phone at a mutual friend's house after a party she ended up with my phone and realized that I had been with other girls at school she got super pissed that I had lied about those girls my question is am I in the wrong is there anything I could do to remedy that I apparently hurt her also how long is normal to wait to see a new person once broken up you know being respectful and all thanks mr. dink mr. dink you're a saint he's a saint right why is he a

saint because he's like still concerned he this is none of it is his problem none of it's his fault yeah it's not I mean it's not nice that he slept with 15 ish people and said that he hadn't hooked up with anybody although it was their part of their policy right it was a don't ask don't tell so why did she ask you didn't have to tell you viewed him as a saint because this is kind of you well it's a don't ask don't tell but I think he's just mad that this girl's mad and I'm like am I in the rock like why is she pissed at me I didn't do anything wrong I'm yelling back at her and she doesn't get it so she hooked up

with people at school because they had a policy that was don't ask don't tell yeah he did the same thing but he did he held up his end of the bargain yeah not to tell right which it sounds like she didn't hold up her end of the bargain if anything you should be mad at her yeah because she telling she asked and told she asked and told she asked you didn't tell that's fine then she comes home she breaks up with you okay whatever she had she got your phone went through it and she's upset with you yeah you're not my girlfriend you're just a stranger who went through my phone and you can't do that and fuck fine if

she's your ex girlfriend she can be mad at you it doesn't matter your ex girlfriends are supposed to be mad at you they're supposed to hate you your ex girlfriend doesn't even count as a person your ex and I'm not saying because it's a girl it's like your ex is she's a shadow they vanish she's a shadow on a wall to you both of you two you don't exist to her either you guys shouldn't exist to each other wow you're gone that is yeah nothing just zero y'all are ghosts you understand that you don't exist you're invisible she's dust in the wind you guys don't have a relationship so she's not a dead friend she's just a

stranger she never existed yeah so she's dead dead implies that you had something that was gone so yeah exactly sorry are you mad at me you are you're you're I don't know you yeah it's the equivalent of me walking up to someone on a grocery store shaking them we are how dare you yeah exactly like I do I don't know you who are you who are you is what you would say so she says you hooked up with 15 girls at school you say sorry do we know each other and she says yes we dated for three years off and on remember my phone back all right here you go that's what you say all right tough love from Jake to you to her what do you

say grovel beg for her forgiveness she deserves better than that you monster you monster man now I was I mean I was gonna say yeah you got it you nailed it which is you don't owe her anything because she's you know Jesus Christ that's my fart dude that's my father Jesus she's a fart to you farting is an honor of a broken fart is there any oh and then I love the second question how long is normal to wait to see a new person once broken up you know what was being respectful and all you don't have to respect anybody once you break up yeah you can do whatever you want you're straight to a next relation

that's the best part of breaking up they they're feelings don't have to matter to you anymore it's fine to respect somebody and like them and not want them to feel hurt but you don't have to worry you're free you're just your own person again yeah we're getting right into another relationship seems not I mean I guess it's not disrespectful I just wouldn't recommend it right it's not necessarily healthy I don't think you'd have fun doing that but hey what do we know I I mean it is it's weird to be like I just got out of a relationship when you break up with somebody don't you feel like you've been out of a

relationship for a long time anyway oh because in your brain it's already been over for a while yeah especially this whole long distance don't ask don't tell I'm surprised that didn't succeed that's usually a solid foundation of which to build any trusting relationship time you break up with somebody I'm so over that person that well you've never been broken up with it's never blindsided you right have you been dumped no god no I mean I would never be dumped right I've never been in a relationship where I thought things were going great and then they just ended abruptly but you've been in the other side of that maybe

where I were oh the person I'm with yeah wait what are going great I still like you why is this happening yeah maybe yeah yeah but what would you know you don't have any ex-girlfriends you just have ghosts just dude RIP we just killed the club all right all right be all right be rest in pussy that's cool toji thanks guys for emailing us in that email address if you have your own problemos is if I were you show at Jamail.com the G stands for Google we never actually specified that y'all don't know that huh yeah Google owns Gmail I swear over the fucking internet so you could even if you do searches that's the same shit yeah all

part of the G Google Gmail Chrome yeah that's all Google yeah and I swear they make bang dude if you have an I if you have an Apple iPhone then that's Google too now that's Apple but like a lot of Google a lot of Google searches it's cash for dude I know I swear like Google is free but they have cash you get money Google and let me tell you don't get money they get money if you don't think that you're not okay with the right parts of my I am I totally not if you don't think that Google Google Apple I know I'm not saying and Disney are all the same fucking company they're all clear channel I was I swear they really

are company all right horizon this is what I'm gonna tell you right now I know this is a lesson and you're everyone to learn okay okay I feel like you're stealing my actual the entire world is owned by six you oh my god Rupert Murdoch you're Bill Gates you know Warren Buffett Barack who's saying Obama by the way and and and the rest what am I at four yeah okay five five is the Jews what yeah so your oh yeah is every Jew yeah uh-huh less Moonves six and um let's say you said six seven you said six people all right and then you know all the people and then two million people and then one more person the

mayor may not be Jewish himself Rupert Murdoch anyway Google stealing your cash you heard it here third we open and close every theme every every episode with new theme song custom theme songs made to us by our talented fans that first one was from aria at music but calm and this last one is from Grant muster see you next week y'all oh Love Line is no longer limited to the coast-to-coast radio model. That's true, Dr. Drew.

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