If I Were You - 94: Penultimate Episode

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

Enough memory lane, in this episode we look forward to next week… and beyond.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. And all things considered, their success is more than fair. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Another podcast Each F different from the last It's the sweet songy nightful shows

Each you two emphatic holes Yep That is the second to last time You will ever hear that theme song The Penn Ultimate episode The Penn Ultimate theme song Shout out to Ferris Monchi for composing them one that's right the goat the og uh ferris because our show is sort of tied intrinsically to ferris

and like the theme song as the show sunsets as will monshi monshi monshi will mon shy that's when monchi dies yeah it's sort of a a suicide pact so jesus me plus jake no plus ferris plus segments take issue with that are you going to thelma and louise this shit Put the theme song in the back, drive off the cliff. I don't think so. When I'm gone, when I'm gone, you're going to miss me when I'm gone. The cup song? Yeah.

You have to get a cup. Let's hear it. Actually, I was going to email Ferris and ask him to do a new style of theme song that could be... For one last episode? Yeah, cup themed for the last episode. Do you think that's... Oh, that's cool. Unnecessary or kind of cruel?

That he can do for school credit. even though he graduated 10 years ago. He has to be able to do it for school credit. Okay, thank you to everybody that's listened. We told y'all last week, if you didn't listen on Monday, you weren't a super fan and you shouldn't be listening to this episode.

True? Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah. What about this idea? Instead of paying your student debts, you can pay them off with college credit after you graduate. Meaning?

It would kind of open up the playing field for like, you know, you could get hired somewhere because you're like, I will work for my debt forgiveness. So you, okay, let's say you went to, what was the third college you went to? The third college I went to was the, oh, Hunter. Okay. Yeah, Hunter. So let's say you have $10,000 that you still owe Hunter for going to school there for a semester or something.

Right. You can't pay that off. If you say, hey, my podcast is actually ending. I don't know if I have the cash. I don't know if I have the capital to make it happen. Yeah. And they say, okay, instead, what do you do? I go to a job that I say I want to work for the New York Yankees.

It's a cool place to work. I like the company culture. I like the team. They don't have any job openings. They don't want to pay me a salary. But I say, I will work for college credit. And they say, but you're 40. And I say, yes.

but I owe $10,000 on my student loans. And each college credit that I get, I can pay down those loans. What's so funny? Makes no sense. Well, it gets my foot in the door at the Yankees. It's no skin off their back. I'm basically working for free.

They have a side deal with the government. Why are you laughing? They should be paying you in cash. that you could be using to pay down your student loan. Instead of cash, they're giving you college credit for a college you no longer go to so that you can take that and give it back. And I use the college credit.

It goes back to the college and they forgive the debt. They forget the debt because they're so fucking confused as to my ideas. I guess if your idea doesn't have to make any sense, you can come up with a bunch of ideas. Like any idea can be, like the heart part about ideas is that they have to make logical sense. So you can just be like, What about this?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Go ahead. Give it a try. It's a car, but the wheels are squares instead of circles. That sounds fine. Oh, it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work.

Yeah. Yeah. What about the moon for every individual house? Like, what is that? You get your own... I like that. Every house has its own moon. How would that work?

It wouldn't. Neither would the Yankees thing. They wouldn't pay you in fake college credit for a school you no longer attends and why would Hunter accept college credit instead of money just make money because it's the fucking Yankees

why would they accept it it's because it's the fucking Yankees dude this is you're creating a Jake in a mirror episode in which I come up with not even business ideas I don't like to not even a side hustle

I don't like to fucking paint myself in a corner slash draw myself in a box these are just like try to solve the world's problems. It's philanthropy. I'm thinking inside the bun. Inside baseball. So it's like a

sandwich shop meets a Yankee stadium or some shit. How would that make money? It doesn't have to make money. It has to make the world a better place than you found it. I guess that part makes at the very least it's nice to

think about. Yeah. Okay. Last week we thought about, or we went down memory lane, I should say, looked inward and backward. This episode, I want to think outward and forward. Okay. So September 15th is our final episode. That's what next week? Yeah. Today is September 8th for those listening. And then we have one episode left of the show on September 15th. We haven't planned anything. Yeah. We have, we're going out with the opposite of a bang it's a senior slide we have to admit that we have to admit that this is a senior slide it's a silent but deadly it's a wet it's not even a wet fart because those are funny it's an sbd it's the kind that just hurts and burns and smells and something is fucking i don't know what happened yeah something is it signals you have something in any issue yes exactly something i either ate something wrong or my diet has to change but like we have nothing planned and i'm kind of scared. So I thought we could spend the majority of this episode, since we rarely actually plan

episodes, the majority of this episode can be in service to the final episode. So what kind of things do you want to see? So it's a brainstorm for the finale. Yeah. How long should it be? Like the idea of like a extra long episode sounds kind of exciting. Maybe we can come up with a duration to try to hit. Obviously two hours. 24 hours. But like five hours. That'll be kind of annoying and nobody will want to listen to it. And our energy will wane. So that's probably too long. Yeah.

Two hours is kind of interesting. But I have to look at my schedule next week because it might be a non-starter. Two hours that I commit to you. Yeah. Like you don't have a two-hour episode in you. No. Okay. No, I could probably do it.

Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. And then we also can come up with actual segment ideas because it's hard to come up with potential segments that are like if we come up with stuff and it just doesn't feel like it lives up to the final episode hype then we sort of get paralyzed with the choice and paralyzed with the fear that we didn't create something good enough so oftentimes we'll sort of mail it in I mean look at this episode yeah penultimate episode we have nothing planned this is nothing this is nothing we're brainstorming episode

of the finale, which is what, episode 92? Yes, that's not enough. Of this show? No. They deserve more. I liked my idea that I had four minutes before we started, which was an episode where the first person to make a joke loses. Well, I guess we could do that because we haven't made a joke yet, right?

No, I thought you're... Did you just laugh? Oh, yeah, wait, the... Well, I wasn't kidding about the college credit thing. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, it's funny by accident. Right, but not a joke. The Yankees giving you college credit to pay down a story.

student loan without money. From Hunter. Yeah, from Hunter specifically. There's something there. Okay. So what I guess calls to you as the most necessary segment or part of the big finale that we can do? Well, it feels like the favorite segments have been poetry or nootry.

Yeah, I feel like I got to write a poem. Yeah, I think you have to write a poem. And I think you have to get it. wrong. Like, I think I gotta tip it to you where you actually choose somebody else's poem and say mine is good as like the grand finale or something. That would be pretty beautiful if I hadn't already lost to you, I think like twice. Yeah. Ends well yet. Yeah. Still haunting me. Yeah, we can talk about our favorite. Actually, has enough time elapsed that I can do three poems of my own, one of which was written 18 months ago that you've forgotten.

I feel your poems have all been pretty memorable. Like Ha'un, Sadie. Yeah. They are really good. You're right. I guess I didn't think of it that way. I didn't say that. Ha'un, thinking back on it, was not a bad poem.

Chalk Towers. I like that. It's good imagery. Yeah. And there was also, weren't there the three poems about Los Angeles? Yeah. Yeah, that one you guessed pretty quickly. Yeah.

You knew right away. Yeah. Right. Traipsing as she flies or something. I wanted to do one about like three sports poems since like you always assume I'm going to write about what I know. If I can find three poems about basketball, maybe you can, you don't know enough to know which one I wrote versus. Yeah. Which one was an award-winning basketball poem?

I actually feel like it's harder to write about something that you, that you, that you don't know. you like, though I guess you kind of, I feel like the best way to do it is to just write something that pours out of you and then find two thematically similar poems. Right, sort of muddy the water. So it's like, what's, what's going on? These are three poems that are vaguely about the same thing. When I wrote what he saw, which is an award-winning poem at this point because- Which one? What he saw. Zhang He saw the world. It was, it made you cry. Or well up at the very least. He saw. No, no, don't.

We're not laughing this episode. There's no jokes. So please take that back. We didn't commit to that yet. Okay, so well, poetry or nootry, hogwash or haoon. It would be nice to have a mystery guest. Yeah, but who could have, like, there's only so many mystery guests that are, like, worthy of the final episode. And then you would just guess those people.

So then I'd almost want to do a mystery guest that's like a nothing burger, but then that's also kind of anticlimactic. Yeah, right. So maybe no mystery guests. I love that. Let's do a mystery guest. And it's like, oh, it's, remember that accountant we worked with right after your dad, set up our LLC? Yeah.

Charlie? Hey, dude. What's up, man? It's our final fucking episode, dude. Yeah. Did I give you that. 540 estimated, by the way. September 15th deadline is coming up for the quarterlies.

We keep getting a letter in the mail that says like we owe 800 plus interest at this point. I'm just trying to make sure that everything is tied up. They've taken out a lien on my shares at the company I see. IAC. Because I tried to fax them a check back in 2019. Not that I have you Also are you 511 or taller

Oh no I already guessed you are I don't have to ask Me? Oh Charlie Yeah that was you trying to figure out who Charlie is Yeah so mystery guess seems like it would be fun But also could potentially Not fit the final episode Extravaganza

Main Trail Would have to do another main trail Man Trail was a hit But you also You've already traveled from one side of the country to the other. Yeah, but now it'd be like, get from South Dakota to Nevada, then to Taiwan, yeah, flyover. It's always getting back to Maine. Like, yeah, you've got to lead me through the country to get to Maine. Actually, let's do that as an actual live show tour, the main

trail tour. So we actually drive from California to Maine, stopping every night doing a live show. I don't hit that. The ones in big cities will be a hit. The ones in the middle of Wyoming, Montana, Colorado, they'll probably be very ill-attended. Yeah, they'd have to be. But if we don't have to pay for a venue, then everything is profit. Right. So we just post up in a parking lot and ask people to Venmo us 17 bucks. We just go to a Denny's. Yeah, exactly. And basically we're, we are traveling buskers. Fort Fiesta style, town to town. Yeah. Right. We're still going to colleges, only this time it's gotten way creepier. You know how John Carly met his wife on our cross-country road trip that we did.

Yeah. I just saw on Instagram he posted that their three children are going to like elementary school. Those are our kids. We can take credit. There's one set of twins, so that's on God. But at least two pregnancies were down to us. Yeah. And honestly, twins are almost.

antithetical to God if you think about it. Like, it doesn't seem natural. It's almost like the devil's worst workplay in that regard. You know, you want to know something crazy? So my sisters famously are triplets. Three of them are triplets. Yeah. And my sister, Eliza, married Dan, who did you know is a twin?

No, I did not know that. And did you know his twin sister is pregnant right now with triplets? what isn't that crazy when were you going to tell me i wanted to save it for the penultimate episode of the podcast dan has a twin sister yeah does that even who's having triplets i think that's pretty crazy it's crazy to have triplets at all but yeah let alone that your their aunt will be a triplet and they'll be a triplet yeah it's pretty wild that's crazy um if not to switch subjects too, like, suddenly. But if you and Gemma's relationship end up, like, one of your sister's relationship with

your father, will you consider that a successful parenting job? Yeah, yeah. So if, like, you and Gemma have the same relationship as choose a triplet at random, let's say, fucking Rachel, Rachel and Sam, if they, their relationship is your relationship, you'll consider that a checkmark on that part of your life. You'll have done your job. Yes. Yeah, because Rachel's got a good head on her shoulders, really great values, ton of talent, and also she, like, loves my dad unconditionally. So if Gemma turns out to be a great person and loves the hell out of me, I think that would be, you know, that's best

possible case scenario she rarely calls your father rachel directly yeah jemma will rarely call you oh okay so you're out of sight you're out of mind so i won't hear for i think well it'll be after it would be different it would have to be different she'll rely on you yeah until she's found her own partner you'll give her away to a man that will replace you on the day the thing is my dad's offspring have there were many of them and they've spread far and wide so he might not have the daily contact with rachel he might not have a nightly zoom with your sarahs he may not get the text every evening from your liza or your hannah but jemma i think is she's He's pacing to be an only child.

The very least an only daughter. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. So I think we'll have, I will be breathing down her freaking neck. I am going to be helicopter parenting her until I'm dead. So she'll, yeah, there'll be a lot of contact between us. Hey, hey, chew that well.

Dad, I'm fucking 28. You're going to choke on that pizza. Christ. Gemma. Come on. Hey, honey, that's sharp. That's sharp. Be grabbing it.

I'm 42. I can cut my own steak. Let me do it. Jill, can you get me the fucking... Don't stand. That's too high. Give me a blunter steak knife. God damn it.

I guess I do that, actually. I don't even let Jill climb the ladder in our house when we like get stuff out of deep storage. You're already a helicopter husbanding her. Yeah, I'm too afraid. Everybody's going to hurt themselves unless I do it. Yeah. And I'm the most likely to injure myself. And you constantly do injure yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I have terrible balance, and I'm up there teetering on the ladder. Of course. This is why you shouldn't do it. Because it's so scary. Yeah, like when you scraped your knuckles against the wall. Oh, yeah, Jesus Christ, they're much better now. Okay, let's take a break, come back and see if we can plan something else on the back half of this episode.

What, I can burp, it's the second to last episode. Right on, right on. Okay, okay. And we're back. I wanted to ask you some hard-hitting questions as your career in podcasting and writ large comes to a close. Yeah. This, the sun is setting on Blumenfeld. Is that fair to say?

Yeah, I'm definitely on the back half of my life for sure. Yeah. I don't see a world where I reach like 84 forget about it. I'll be, if I make it to 52, you can fucking hit me in the. back of the head's so hard I die. Jesus. God, that sucks to hear. Literally, you have permission to throw a brick against my skull until I forget everything.

What do you think were your best years? Well, best years creatively, best years personally, best years health-wise. What are we talking here? Let's go, let's say most fulfilling and enriching years. Ooh. Moving to L.A. was pretty solid. that year we were working on our pilot, we were launching headgum, we were living together maximizing joy, maximizing creativity. Energy is still a high because the world hadn't

started sort of sinking into this existential dread slash depression that permeates everything with this low grade level of anxiety, almost like when you hear like a buzz or a hissing noise in the microphone. You can eventually sort of start to tune it out, but every once in a while you'll hear it like some sort of emotional tinnitus. So this was like 2014, 2015, before things started sort of slipping downhill in our industry and our lives personally. So I'll say when I was 31. Yeah, 31. 31 was the peak. Yeah. Okay. Now, follow-up question just based on that answer. Yeah.

You mentioned the low-grade emotional tinnitus. Yes, exactly. The hissing noise, the stress, the depression, the anxiety that sort of lives deep inside you. Yeah, the hiss. What drives that for you? Are you, like, tuned into the state of the world to, like, a big extent? It's the gradual aging of everything.

So dogs becoming older, parents becoming older, me becoming older, things becoming harder, things becoming less fun, things becoming more painful both physically and emotionally, days where we're carefree going from 300 a year down to 150, down to what, two at this point? If you're like on a bachelor party with the boys, everything else you're like stressing out about this, that, or the other. And if you're not, then you can always find your mind drifting towards, oh shit, wait, what about this? Okay, like, for example, let's say we didn't succeed in selling TV shows and movies in Hollywood. This was 10 years ago, fortunately. We pulled the fucking ripcord early enough to start into podcasting. Yeah. We were smart in that regard. But now we've been there for 10, 12, 15 years. Now, the rest of

Hollywood is starting to sink. No sitcoms, no comedies, no late night shows. People are fucking abandoning ship starting their podcasts, we're already off that life raft. Yeah. Okay, what now for us? We've already been there for 10 years. Our life raft is already adrift at sea. We got to either double back and like head back towards Hollywood, although there's very little of it left, or now make a transition to the next thing.

But the next thing is even worse. Like it's like vlogging, TikToking, what's comedy, what's content in like in 2026 and beyond. Is it vertical videos? Is it just making your own shit on YouTube and gradually losing money because content isn't profitable? Is it shifting entirely? Do I get a job in advertising? Should I become a lawyer? Like, what are we dealing with here? What drives you? You weren't listening to anything I said. Yes, I am. You're staring at a note card. I've asked you the best year of your life, your best years. You said 31 when you were making, creating, having fun, things weren't stressful. I said, what is stressful? You said the world kind

of imploding, things getting older, harder, more stressful. What drives me? That's a really good question. If you used to be happy at 31 and if you're unhappy by the fleeing of Hollywood, the feeling of jaded, what will propel you forward? Oh, I'm already, I'm not unhappy. I'm post happy. So I'm like sort of over it. It doesn't make me sad. because I'm sort of a n-aise. Yes, exactly. I'm blaz-a-to-a-flase. That means nonchalant to a flaunt.

I'm basically over it. What drives you? What drives you? I mean, I downloaded the Waymo app. I'm sort of interested in something like that. I haven't quite pulled the trigger yet just because everything has to be pretty localized because they can't get on the freeway. And at that point, I might as well drive myself.

So there's Waymo's in L.A.? Yeah, there's Waymo's in L.A. now. Do they call them L.A. Moes? And on the east side. I actually almost, I drove past one on my street. Wow. They're getting everywhere. How did they get? I mean, your street is so narrow. That really seems hard. I know. It pulled over. It pulled over and everything. It knows. Wow. Good shit. A lot of automated stuff. Like, it's hard to avoid the AI automated this. Like, is there something that we can use or lead into there? But then even with AI, there's so much back.

to that. So it's like everyone's focused on creating stuff that's so unique that like AI can't even possibly like we once tried to feed chat GPT a bunch of Jake and Mirr episodes that it I guess it watched because it's they're on the internet. Yeah. And it tried to spit out a few scripts that were not great. Yeah. So so far it can't it hasn't replaced us as sketch writers yet. Yeah. Ideally not. It is an interesting conundrum where they they just keep on saying. that AI is coming to take everybody's jobs. Yeah. But I don't know. I don't know how we're supposed to feel about it. Like, are we supposed to let it just take the jobs? I don't. I'm, my new job will be like a robot repair man.

So like I'd like to, I'm working in service of the algorithm. I will be their fucking lackey. I'll be their assistant. I'm doing happy endings for I robot. I did not murder him. No, I did not finish. him. I'll sort of spend my entire day as a flesh bot for a robot. So they're not the sex dolls anymore. I am. Now that's hot. Yeah. I'm not. Our final form is we become sex bots.

I will say making the headgum sketches for the last few months, we're on our, the headgum Patreon has been very fun. Like I rarely find myself not having a good time making those. Like Yeah. Creating those videos, the outtakes, laughing, trying not to laugh is a feeling you rarely get as an adult. The trying not to laugh is a very childhood or free-spirited emotion that is kind of a driving force. You want to put yourself in a situation where you're cracking up uncontrollably. Yeah. You're in search of that childlike wonder. Yes, exactly. You're seeking joy. Now, what would get you to move to New York City? Because I think there's something there to the fact that you and I are our soulmates were intrinsically linked and we've been separated for nion seven years. Right.

Is there anything to, you're basically. for lack of a better term, your downfall has been the separation physically of church and stay from yours truly. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I would say, you have a better shot of convincing me

to move to a new city that you'll move to to, too. Okay. I don't see us, me or Avital, I guess she wants to live in New York. Oh, interesting. Me plus and or Avital and or the dogs to move to New York because one of a lot of them. of the things that excites me...

Your wife wants to move to New York, and you are kind of blocking that. Yeah, she's never lived there. That would be a great thrill ride for her. Really nice for her comedy career, yeah. One of the things that excites me about leaving L.A. is finding a place that's more affordable and finding a new place. New York is somehow less affordable than L.A. and also a place I've lived in before. So it feels like... Right, so not new. Yeah, it doesn't excite me. It's like, okay, 20s were New York, 30s were L.A., where's the 40s going to be?

Let's switch it up a little bit. What's your criteria? Good weather. Okay. Pass. Awful food. Maybe. And an ass that won't quit.

And she has a flat head so you can put a fucking beer on it. What's a place that has good weather? Because I think, in fairness, L.A.'s weather is actually not great. Yeah, L.A.'s warm, for sure. I don't mind the warmth. I'm more of a... And on fire often. Yeah, the fires are not ideal either.

Southern states like San Diego or It's not really changing much Parts of Texas Where ideally it's not too hot New Orleans, Atlanta You know like stuff where it's like You're going to feel the weather

Somewhere or another And that's going to be It's either too hot in the summers Or too cold in the winters Would you consider a North Carolina Would you consider a Chapel Hill Yeah that would be nice That would be fun

That would be like, yeah, at least the summers are nice. You still get some snow occasionally, but it's not like blistering wind or freezing cold. Yeah. And now just back to the New York of it all, what about upstate New York, which is affordable, new, different. I guess it's cold, but the food's bad. Yeah. Which I know is important to you. I've been upstate, and it's nice for like a weekend getaway, but it's too small town, too humid, not enough options, not enough excitement.

Okay. So maybe North Carolina. What about Chicago? That's, I mean, that's, that's cold. It doesn't get cold there? I haven't read into it. But I think it's kind of like, uh, it's nice. What about Toronto? What about fucking northern Maine to the point where you're borderline in Nova Scotia? What about red deer?

If you had to leave New York, where would you move? Like someone said, you got to raise Gemma in a different city. New York's not it. Yeah. Where do you, you have to move somewhere else. I mean, probably New Haven, like... Go up 95 to where you grew up. Yeah, I mean, I borderline want to do that anyway, but I have a kind of push and pull to New York.

I don't really want to leave New York, but, like, living in the suburbs sounds nice. Portland, Maine, also really, really nice. We have some friends there. And then the North Carolina thing is interesting to me just because I have two of the four sisters down there. Oh, two nephews. Oh, wow. I didn't realize there were two of them over there. Yeah.

and Rachel. And did Liza move to L.A.? Yes, Liza lives right around. I don't know, really close to where I used to live over near Mount Washington, like the Highland Park area. And her sister-in-law, the one that's having triplets. Yeah. She in California? I'd love to visit her. Buffalo, I think. You could do that. It doesn't get that cold there. And the food is decent, but I'm sure you can find some shitty restaurants. You're like wings? No, whatever. I think there's something, I think there is something to the joy, like, because we think about

our best years, and it's always when we were working together with our friends. And then you, but you think of like, oh, well, it's different now because we're older. But it's like, I don't, most of my life, I don't, my age doesn't feel like it's making me any less excited about life. It's the distance that's grown between me and my friends. We don't gather in the same room. as much anymore. Yes, exactly. And that can happen for you and me if we go to the same city. We just have to decide on what it is. Maybe that's our next project. Look at you right now. You're recording in a

office that you rent out to yourself. You go there by yourself, record alone into a Zoom. Yeah. I don't know. When was the last time we even saw each other, IRL? Has it been over a year? We can't even tell because Zoom has fucking warped everything. Yeah, probably has been. It's been, well, maybe less than a year, because when was our show in Chicago? That was in 2019. That was six years ago. So that's a long time. And we moved there, right? Yeah. The fact that you don't even know that is really troublesome. We did have a show in Chicago recently, didn't we? Yes. Yes, we did. Yes. But then if, like, let's say in this fantasy world where we got all our friends to live in fucking Denver and we made stuff. again. Would it feel as good as it did in our 20s? Like, are we just trying to hold on to that

feeling of being 24 again? Which is impossible to get back. Maybe it wouldn't feel exactly as good, but I think it would feel, I think it would feel really good. Right. It would be better than not doing that. It'd definitely be better than going in my office by myself. Yes. Which is fine, but obviously not ideal ideal. I wonder if there's, if we can, like, you know how like when we were working together in our 20s, it was college humor that was paying our salaries. Yeah. We sort of need a Barry Diller billionaire-style figure to give us enough money to live in this new city together to fund this entire operation. Or at the very least, college credit.

That's another problem. Yeah, the college credit thing, again, it will never work. We don't need credit and we don't owe money to a university. It's a triple net negative. It's a bad idea. Okay. Asked and answered Yeah

There's less money in the economy Like to marketing to content Websites don't exist anymore So it's hard to just sort of People monetizing like How do we get the cash to do that? Yes exactly Like there used to be some dumb money

In the business Quibi CISO YouTube was given influencers Like a million dollars to make content That well has run dry Right They don't just splash the cash anymore it's kind of annoying yeah it's like everyone realized that they're either owed the stock

market some sort of bottom line low maintenance high profit lifestyle in which they steal from the bitch and give to the whore and it leaves the middleman without much of a fucking grease to make the wheels a little less squeaky and then we're left wondering okay what do we do now because we're not working for a website we're not we haven't sold headgum to a corporate overlord yet. We couldn't even settle out if we wanted to. How sad is that? Say we sell headgum for $300 million. I would take a billion dollars from Planteer or whatever that evil AI corporation is, but they won't return my texts. I would make sponsored pods for Monsanto if that's what it took. You think I'm above shilling genetically modified corn syrup and

longevity pills. Oh, I do not. Yes. I'll do anything. I'll fucking stick myself with a GLP inhibitor right now if it meant that you'll give me $5,000 a month. But nobody's offering it. I mean, so many places are doing reboots and stuff. We should just do a hardly working house. We gather everybody. They're all insanely busy and successful, I think. But we just get them together for one summer. A summer house. That way, all of our friends that write for S&L and stuff would even be able to come because they don't work over the summer. Yeah, and maybe Streeter could pay

for everything because he's the head writer at S&L and he's probably loaded. Right. He could do whatever he wants. Plus, he's so successful that he can fund the entire operation and I'm sure he's fucking sad as shit because like That's what I'm saying. What is he doing like in his spare time? Like is he even having fun? I haven't spoken to him in years because

he won't return my calls. Yeah. Oh, we could also be in, we could be interns at SNL. That kind of answers everything. We'd be working with our friends. friends yeah yeah um and you're in new york which is what i want yeah but don't like you have to work kind of late hours yeah i mean well i would just need to be home for jemma's bath time which right now is around 630 that's when they start that's what they start i think right so i guess i could go i could go in after bath time as long as i'm they're down to have me arrive and i would

arrive having had at like 715 don't worry about but then i would need yeah i'm just saying They don't have to, they would give me obviously a per diem. Do you guys have any keto options because the snacks in the kitchen are pretty carb heavy, which kind of makes me crash. Interns do work for the free lunch and the credit, even though you're saying I wouldn't really be able to apply it to anything because I don't have any outstanding. Yeah, you don't have to. It's not even a debt thing.

It's you don't go to college and they don't know. Because I would never pay you. My college was basically, it was all paid off. Yeah. So there's no reason I couldn't get. You paid per class. Your dad already paid it in full, probably. Yeah, and I paid him back in full.

In kind. But, yeah, as long as I could leave by like 10. No, there's no way that the show starts at 1130. Well, because I have to wake up pretty early. Yeah, you wouldn't. You wouldn't do that. Yeah. I don't want to change my lifestyle.

I'm down to work at SNL if you guys have the episodes on at 2. Can you do it within my schedule? I know you're shaking things up here. The way the fucking Drew Barrymore show does it. So like it's on at one or two, I think, and they can batch record. That's a good idea. We should host the Drew Barrymore show. There's no way.

What if you and I, our new daytime talk show hosts? Okay. Who says no to that? Probably the people funding the entire operation. Again, it's very hard to convince people to give you money. And if the premise or the idea is us hosting a talk show together, they're already canceling more successful talk shows because they're not profitable. Right.

They definitely don't want to give us one. Also, do we even have the sense of humor or sensibility to fucking interview authors and sea list celebrities and act engaged? It wouldn't matter because we're willing to take such, they have to pay your Drew's or your Donna Hughes or your Ricky Lakes or your Oprah's or your Ellen. Right. We have to pay them so much. Dr. Phil has such a high fee. He has a high quote. But you and I are willing to work for pennies on the dollar next to free.

I will work for room and board. The company? Yes. The couch and credenza company. I'll work for a fucking apartment to be if they'll have me. I actually have some pretty dope furniture ideas if that moves the needle at all. So it's a chair that's blue. I also have one where it's like a white couch.

Did I mention the chair swivels? It is funny to imagine somebody is actually doing that and doing it earnestly. It's like, I do have an idea for a new, like, aren't all couches kind of the same? Yeah. Like, what are they doing there? Right. Well, this one will be tufted. This one will have a skirt.

Sure. This one will come in boucle. Yeah, these are all options that have existed before. What do you, it's like when I see a new bar opening, it's like, what are you doing? What do you think you'll have that the other six bars don't have? Well, this is us with this is us pitching a show. What does your show have that the other ones don't? Yeah.

And I don't know, nothing. But maybe maybe people will like it if you just give us a shot. And if not, then I'll sell furniture. And if not, then it'll become a sweet greens. It doesn't matter because it used to be on TV. Turn on MTV right now. You know what's on? A fucking ridiculousness rerun, probably.

Probably, yeah. That could have been us. Why is it Rob Deardick, who's, introducing prank videos. Yeah. I used to be able to do that on MTV. Why did they cut me off? Because you didn't know how to skateboard.

Really? That's it. We were never multi-hyphenates. We needed to be able to sing. We needed to be able to dance. We needed to be good at extreme sports. Otherwise, we have nothing to pivot to except for us goofing around in different formats. But you don't know how to sing like I do.

You don't know how to dance or skate like I can. and that sorry for saying this has brought this partnership down but if you are willing to move to meet me in New Haven in your in your Bangor in Nashville really cold up there have you been there in Vancouver yeah or maybe hell why don't we go to Melbourne why don't we go to London yeah why don't we go abroad I can teach you to skate you don't know how to skate we can figure it out together. I actually, I'm pretty bad at wheels stuff. I can hardly even stand on a skateboard.

I have very poor balance. Yeah, you also, you don't know how to bike. Yeah, I barely know how to bike. I can sort of keep it moving, but it's hard to start or stop. And I feel like that's ultimately not what the audience is that MTV wanted to hear when they were deciding between me and Rob. Yeah, like, so you can't take a BMX bike out of a helicopter? No.

As long as it'll land with the wheels moving, I might be able to. But getting it to go from standstill is tough. I can try to learn how to volley better tennis-wise if that moves the needle at all. Like, I don't know if you guys want to see me sort of try to put one away at the net. Like, does that do anything for you? I'm also down to antique my dad, if you want to give me a camera to do that. I can try slapping my uncle when he's taking his shit a lot. I don't know if you like seeing that

If I set up a GoPro in the shower And I come out of the shower Like a gorilla And I slap him a lot While he's taking the shit There's something there There's something there But we have one more week to figure it out

So again Everybody that listened last week on Monday And half the people that listen to this week You guys can move forward Matriculate to the big finale which will be next Monday, our last episode of segments. But if you want more, we're still on Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA.

Damn right. So we're still making stuff there. We still haven't quite cracked the crossword, but I feel like we're getting close. Yeah, yeah. We'll get there. We'll give a shot. Bonus segments, bonus videos. And if you use that coupon code segment or segments, I think they both work, you'll get 50% off your first month of our Patreon.

So you can check it out for the low, low price of a couple bucks. That's our fire sale, baby. Okay, that's it. That's it for now. I think we got some good planning. We got some good ideas in the can. And if nothing else happens, I'll meet you in North Carolina on the 22nd. See there, brother.

For Jewish New Year. Until then, we'll see you guys next week. Yeah. Bye, everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum original. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney.

And what's up, everybody? I'm back behind. And man, ooh, I'm... I got, we got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on Headgum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast?

Yep, and that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast you'd be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep, guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Brunie Brooskey, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter, and Tim Balls. Landon Axler. Jony. Joni McGreeze and Dender.

And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah. I'm going to go do it right now.