If I Were You - 95: Final Episode

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

We go out with a bang, discussing poetry, wedding invitations, and guessing ages.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. And all things considered, their success is more than fair. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Another podcast Each app different from the last It's the sweet songy nightful shows

Each you two emphatic holes Damn The theme song on the last episode Hit Different, right? Let's do another year We have to, just for Ferris We have to do a year more We have to do the Monshire

I know we made a hoopla, a hula baloo, a hula about it being the last episode, but I'm really starting to get cold feet. We're not ready to go yet. No, don't make me go away quite yet. It's too warm in this lime life. I'm in a jacuzzi, and I said I would get out in 30 minutes, but like it's freezing outside. Yeah, yeah, and you were getting wrinkly and pruny, but it's better. than freezing to death. You know when you get wrinkly and pruny in a jacuzzi,

your ball sack is actually becoming smooth. It's like it basically turns smooth skin, wrinkly, and wrinkly skin into that smooth tot. Like it looks like almost like my palm. It feels like you're just trying to get me to like pull out my nuts in a jacuzzi at some point and get fucking seriously blacklisted from the Marriott. Actually, I'll take a picture.

Speaking of Marriott. We got a really nice card. I haven't even told you this. Oh. Look at this card that we got in the mail. Whoa. It's red and it's written in ink. It's handwritten.

Wow. Front and back. And there's a picture of these two lovely people with us in Chicago. That's right. I see the headgum live shirt. And a wedding invitation. Anna? That's right.

They bonded over us. Holy fuck. Yeah. When's the... Anna and Edgar? When's the wedding? It is really soon. It's in October.

in Illinois. Wow. Yeah. Are you going to go? She writes that back in 2017, when they had just started dating, he mentioned his favorite podcast was If I Were You, and she reluctantly gave it a listen, but realized how entertaining and funny it was, and it was the go-to podcast for themselves. And together, they get to enjoy segments in the car. They've had an amazing time at our Headgum shows, and I know segments is now coming to an end, and I look forward to listening in on your next endeavor cool thanks that's what we do it for that's what you know what fuck it let's actually not end the show i know you were kidding before but they listened to it in the car it obviously it's the one thing keeping edgar and anna together yeah we've been doing it for 12 years i thought like

our time as this podcast we owe it to a close we made a decision the people out there since late July. Yeah. I feel like I can't do Edgar dirty like that. You just, you, you met him years ago and didn't even know. What will he speak to his fiancee and ultimately wife about, if not my life? Our Patreon actually. Oh, all right. Perfect. You know, we're still making content over there. So shout out to them for giving us another reason to plug patreon.com slash ja. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not, we're not dying. Not yet. No. Okay. Final episode, we thought we'd hit some of the classics, including but not limited to poetry or noitry. Hit me. I'm kind of nervous. Like, this is the final, final, final one, you know? Yeah. Are you going to go out on a W or will you go out on an L? Will I go out on a W or an L? I'm actually, I'm considering cheating. I'm thinking about that.

So I'll sort of type key phrases as you write as you read the poems and I'll see if any of them come up. Who says no? So for this last batch of poems, unlike hogwash and a haoon, or sorry, just haoon, unlike haoon, these three poems have a theme which are new beginnings. I see. Springtime. Correct. Springtime, new year, new starts, fresh beginnings. I do love a new beginning poem.

So I'm actually, this is in the pocket of poems that I really, really respond to and that resonate with me. We'll see if you can, we'll see if you can make me weep. I'm already crying a little bit. Oh, I don't know if I'll make you weave. I was just hoping that you would be able to tell someone that's real bawling. They're all so beautiful. I think I'm just in an emotional place right now. Okay.

Poem the first. Running into a New Year by Felicia Trevino. Oh, wow. Fake name, of course. Are you going to give me all of titles and authors? That's right. Okay. Running into a new year, Felicia Trevino.

Hold on. I'm just Googling that. Nope. This is a fake one. Yep, real. Next. Next poem. You don't even have to read it.

I skimmed it. It was pretty good, actually. All right, let's see. I am running into a new year, and the old years blow back, like a wind that I catch in my hair, like strong fingers, like all my old promises, and it will be hard to let go of what I said to myself about myself when I was 16 and 26 and 36. Not you. At all. Even 36, but I am running into a new year, and I beg what I love, and I leave to forgive me. Oh my God, that's a great poem. You had nothing to do with it.

wouldn't it be great it would be i mean if you wrote that i would be i mean yeah then you just you would absolutely deserve to win holy shit do we even have to read the other two yes let's find out advent by cj tenorovich okay it's hopeless the stars the books about stars they can't help themselves and how could you not love them for it here in the new week With animals burying food and everything outlined in cold, and even friends, it's hopeless, this mess, this season, all that is lost, and tickets and strangers, what can I say? Only sitting here on this dark bench, waiting for what I don't know, I want this world to remain with me, this holy tumult, which does not know it loves me, and you, friends, spectacular driveways, an orange, the vanishing evening. that's also really good let's hear your poem oh the calendar's January isn't that sick I want a milkshake that's pretty damn thin I sped home from my school at a New Year's Eve

party Frenching Sadie arrival by Nia noaba leaving for the final time with everything but the register she arranged detailing each nuance hourly milestones forged with midnight ink like evaporated stains ceramic set behind her a stillness that belied the plan a roundabout and torturous rambler a down and outer with a singular source her own is that it the end that one's you that one is you I really it's

I have to go out like this I'm so convinced that that one is you we can let's eliminate are you so convinced that you're willing to put money having heard the poems

would you bet cash on your hunch how much throw out a number $150. And you would take the bet? Depending on what your hunch is based on what you listen to. I guess it's kind of obvious which one you think.

So I will, yes, I will. I bet $500. $500 that I wrote the first one? No, not that you wrote the first one. The first one was not you at all. Sorry, sorry, sorry. The last one that I wrote. The last one that I read, which is the first one on my list.

I see. I hold on because if I say it are you is it getting locked how are we how are we solidifying this bet you're like I'll do 500 on the second one oh what a savage turn for the final episode no I'm not going to bet any money I'm going to just go with my gut and my love of poems and I swear to God if you wrote the first or second one then I really do commend you because they each one moved me. And the last one didn't do anything for me. I wrote.

The last one you should have bet. It was right there for you. $500. I was really afraid because I was like, I'm going to say $500 on the last one just because I wanted to see what your reaction was. But I was really afraid you were going to be like, great, lock it in.

It wasn't that one was real. I wrote the second one. I definitely would have lied if we actually about $500. Yeah. Well, that was definitely a way to go out. Did you, when you were reading the first two, were you like, he won't know the difference because these poems aren't good?

Yeah, I'm like, oh, this sounds like something I could have written because it has the repeating words and it's like simple language and it doesn't rhyme and it doesn't seem that great. I actually ran these past a few people and only one of them, Avital, guessed mine. Interesting. The other ones all guessed, I lost my tickets and strangers waiting for a dark bench, an orange, the vanishing year. Yeah, that one, it was, I think like that was definitely, it didn't, it was a little more meandering, but everything that it was like calling back to was really significant. The vanishing year, that's, that's, that's, that's a, that's pretty.

pretty beautiful and your poetry radar rung yeah and i also thought you'd think this one was mine because it says when i was 16 and 26 and 36 even 36 yeah like that seems like something i would write which because it's numbers and repeating words and stuff totally but the things catching in your hair and asking for forgiveness and stuff that's that's just really really good that's like coming at you fast um and nwunga poem, the last one, Nguunga? Yeah, Nia Nwaba. Nia Nwaba.

How did you choose the name Nia Nwaba? First, it was David Nwaba, who was a professional basketball player. And then I'm like, oh, I'll make it about a woman. Yeah. Leaving her house for the first time slash final time or something like that. Something that I have no basis in, so that hopefully it trips you up. Do you know the poem, The Orange by Wendy Cope? The Orange by Wendy Cope.

I sit and lie and stare at an orange. It seeds, its fruit, its pulp. It calls to me the juicy inside, the tangible leathery exterior, a sphere that I call my favorite. Not even close. The orange by Wendy Cote. At lunchtime, I bought a huge orange. The size of it made us all laugh.

I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave. They got quarters and I had half. And that orange, it made me so happy. as ordinary things often do just lately the shopping a walk in the park this is peace and contentment it's new the rest of the day was quite easy i did all the jobs on my list and enjoyed them and had some time over i love you i'm glad i exist does that that make you cry as it makes me cry no it's that's an incredible poem one of yeah okay yeah they all feel fine to me i can't i don't have the poem reflex from like, I can tell that that's a poem versus not. Yeah. So I, like, I think there's been a time where I almost included that in one of our, like, when I was trying to fake you out.

But I was like, no, that's too good. It's a, he would know it. He would, he would see this poem. Right. And just know. Yeah. But I guess it's not true. Let's hear your poem one more time.

Nia Nuwaba. Oh, Arrival by Nia Nuwaba. leaving for the final time with everything but the register she arranged detailing each nuance hourly milestones forged with midnight ink like evaporated stains ceramic set a lot of these are words that I just found in the the thesaurus so like I said like leaving behind a list oh instead of list make it register yeah behind her a stillness that belied the plan belied yeah that bumped about and torturous rambler a stillness that belied the plan that's it's more it's more pros than poetry you know interesting okay sorry go on still in this step belied the plan a roundabout and torturous rambler a down and outer again these are all thesaurus dot com synonyms for circumcircuidus non straight roots a roundabout and torturous rambler a down and outer with a singular source her own yeah it's it's definitely It's cool.

It's a poem. It's a poem. It is a poem. And it's kind of cool. You can't say I didn't write a poem. That is the, it's a finale poem. We are leaving behind this register. You and I, two down and outers with no source but our own.

Damn, that is actually pretty dope. Yeah, I didn't think of it that way. You're crying. I should have read it first. Will you send me those first two poems? They're really good. Yes. I will. Oh, I should give them credit because they were written by not those names.

The first one was written by Ross Gay, a name I thought of giving myself so that I could trip you up. Yeah. And the third one was written by Heather Christie. Okay. Ross Gay and Heather Christie. I don't think I know them. But I'll check them out. Okay. So I didn't even have to hide their names. I will check them out. Okay. Let's take one of our final breaks. Yeah. And we'll be back after these messages. We sure will. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. For those of you who don't know, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors you're spending.

Exactly. And it helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. Exactly. So you sign up for Rocket Money and then it says, by the way, you're spending slash wasting a lot of money on these subscriptions that you might not have known you forgot to cancel. Mm-hmm. Guilty. Yes. It's not just me and Jake.

It's five million members have saved a total of 500. million dollars that's half a billion dollars damn in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to seven hundred and forty dollars a year when they use all of the app's premium features think about what you could do with that seven hundred and forty dollars i mean my god yeah you get a cavity filled or a bed or a bed or cavity actually not in this economy but yeah nice try yeah yeah but something like that it can go to something important like that of course indeed so cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Just go to RocketMoney.com slash segments today.

Right on. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments. RocketMoney.com slash segments. Thank you. Thanks, Rocket Money. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Indeed. Jake, you sleep on a Helix mattress.

I certainly do. So you know how freaking comfortable and affordable they are. They're perfection. Yes. Yes. And the best way to check it out for yourself is by going to Helixleep. slash segments, and then you take their sleep quiz and they send you the mattress that's perfect for you. I'm going to stop you right there because it's more than a quiz.

It's a test. It's not. Everybody knows. Let's move on. You keep saying that, but it really isn't. I'm going to stop you right there. It's a sleep quiz. Before you go, stop right now before you go any further.

Yeah. I don't think so. So if you go to helixleep.com slash segments, those low prices you see are actually going to be lower because they have a 25% off sale right now. Mm-hmm. That's their Labor Day extended sale by going to helixsleep.com slash segments. Yeah. You can upgrade your mattress game for a pretty darn low price for a pretty incredible mattress today.

Boom, baby. Again, that's helixleep.com slash segments. Yeah. Thanks, Helix. Later. Funny. And we're back. Yes, we are.

Also, because this is our last episode of segments, I was able to procure one final ad. Whoa. And these will be, and these will be baked in. It's not the one that just ran either. Okay. Yeah, this is like, it's a baked into the episode. So they paid a pretty fucking penny for it. Yeah, baked into the finale.

That's going to get a lot of plays. I'm happy that. Yes. It's not dynamically inserted. This is a part of the episode. Anytime anyone ever ever. listens to our final episode, whether we send it into space or the Smithsonian or you just listen to it on Spotify, you're going to hear this advertisement for this product.

I don't want to spoil it because they gave me some pretty interesting talking points that Jake and I are going to read now. I hope you don't mind. I only send it to you now. What is it? Rocket Money Helix. It's kind of like that, yeah. Okay.

Maybe Miundis is back. That'd be cool. Okay. Here's the copy. oh my god it's a yeah it's a i'm gonna cream it's a product that's yeah huh yeah i was gonna say it's a product that's a little off the beaten path i see they didn't want to go through traditional channels they paid me in crypto i see okay all right you could start uh yeah so i oh my god i oh my god wait i'm gonna cream okay cream my pants that is yeah that's what i figured yeah i see a little stain i can't help it

if today's product is so orgasmically joyous so wetly hot you'll have semen in your seams it Just say what it is. It's a website that helps you organize your cloud storage, okay? That's the most boring thing I've ever heard. There's no way that's orgasmic. With a twist. Okay, let's hear the twist. In order to incentivize this dull product, I mean, who cares about organizing cloud shit?

Right. They send you little hot gifts. Gifts, like presents? Gifts, like animated images of chicks kissing or dudes. it's fucking. So porn? In a way. Not in a way. You're talking about porn. Can't say the P word, but when I, but I get where you're coming on. So how does it work? It's kind of simple. For every gigabyte you organize or not, we'll throw in 10,000 hours of HD 4K pornography. So it's, you said porn. Mm-hmm. Also, we'll throw it in. Come on, man. Me and my dad. This is a family product?

It's mostly my idea. My dad just helped us form the LLC so we don't get sued for stealing and selling. Sorry, not selling, giving away terabytes a fairly illegal pornography. Sorry, legal Zoom. What? The product is actually legal Zoom. I don't admit to anything nefarious. Way too late for that.

Actually, do you know anybody that can edit what I said out of the podcast? Yeah, I mean, grim edits everything, but I don't see a world. But, but, but what? But what? I'm in a shitload of trouble and you're going to gatekeep the one guy who can save my ass? Why? So you can take half of my ransom?

What the hell are you talking about? I'm in a bad place, man. I started doing Adderall recreationally, you know, to help my focus and energy. And you know, one thing leads to another with me. I can't do shit halfway. I've got to go all in. I just need somebody to help me form an LLC, dad. Are you okay?

No. I mean, yes. Kind of. Use the coupon code. segments, a checkout. For what? Service. Legal Zoom. Fine. Oh, I'm also trying to sell low-carb croissants if you're Pinterested. The trick is that they taste like shit, but I have a sideways truckload of them right now that I'm selling for pennies on the crofon. Focus. I am. All right, pretty good ad. Now that the ad is over, can I finally get something off of my chest? Whoa, is this real or are you still reading?

I'm not reading. This is from the fart. Just kidding. It's actually from the heart. Okay, I'm ready. to listen. I'm not the man you think I am. Who are you? I think billionaires should not be taxed. Why? Because capitalism is God. And if you win the game, you should be rewarded in kind. What about those in need? I'm only saying this because this is our final episode. But if you're not me, you ain't she. What is that even mean? I'm selfish to a fault and that's our time. Bye everybody. The episode's not over. Shit. Okay. That was what a way to go out. I kind of burned the whole thing down, lit a match. Yeah, I wanted you to go scorched earth. Yeah, it feels like that. In a way. It feels like you don't want me to have any goodwill or influence moving forward.

You want people to write me off. You want to villainize me. Yeah, I wanted to get to the point where even if we do like restart, reinvigorate, reset up a new feed or something that you're not uh you don't have the the loyalty built into that next project wow wow yeah um you basically you're able to sort of um make it so that you can never go home again in a way i get that i and i get that i appreciate that uh but the reading itself was great yeah thank you i think the brand itself will have no notes we got it in one legal zoom cloud storage porn and that was a cold read of course it was ice cold um all right you had a game i

certainly do one of my favorite games that we hasn't played in a long time uh is when i read old jake and mere quotes and you guess if they are real or fake we do like the real or fake thing we do it seems a common theme um so i've got a couple here uh okay we're we're gonna keep it short and sweet because we have a lot to get to. First one. Six nil. You get one point for being a bitch. This one's for the skunk, though.

That is real. It's from the ping pong episode. Correct. Correct. I shouldn't has this. I hasn't has this cheeseburger. It'll give me bad cholesterol. I can have bad cholesterol.

That is real. It's from the poster ideas episode. Postor Ideas episode. Yes, indeed. Yeah, I casitas, yeah. I make bank while you, mimming masturbation, make wank. I would have believed it if you said made spank, but wank? I can't imagine I've ever said something so blue.

You can't get behind that. That's correct. That's fake. Yeah. Then you announced to the entire party that you had colon cancer as you pulled a crumple-up newspaper clipping of colon powell from your anus. no really fake colon pal colon cancer yeah that seems too too real for us to make a goof about it's true it's fake yes thank god what if you said it was real my grandfather needs that oxygen tank to survive you went up to him during dessert and said hey scuba steve let me take that tank for a test swim you ripped all the

tubes out of his nose, stuck them up your butt and farted. That's really funny, but it doesn't strike a bell. I'll say fake, but let's keep it for a future episode. That's real. It was already in an episode. Shit. Scoop is Steve? What's with the 69th degree? Since when is stealing from someone less fortunate than me, a crime? Not unlike the ad you just read. 69th degree

I'll say that's real maybe from like the hurricane fundraising episode it is fake wow I wrote it this afternoon that's good a judge ran over my face when I was six want to know the saddest part ran over just my face

not my head just my eyes and nose and ears Is that it? That's it. Want to know the saddest part? Yeah. That one's real. It is real.

And my response, you say, a judge ran over my face when I was six. Want to know the saddest part? And I say that you survived. Oh, yeah. And I go, ooh. That did hurt. Okay. I have long COVID and gonorrhea.

Long COVID. I think that's fake. We haven't done that many COVID episodes that I wouldn't remember that. Correct. That one is fake. We have For some reason I actually thought this

I was like Didn't he say this joke It's I have Beber fever and pneumonia I think is the cadence of it I have long COVID Yeah I have Beber fever Yeah

I have Beber And pneumonia Okay that's it You actually did really well Only missed two Yes Yes You owe me $500

That's right We did a We ended up doing a bed on that one instead Okay, let's take a real break. Thanks some real sponsors. Not that the last one wasn't real. And we'll come back with our final segment of all.

Wow. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. I don't know if you know this, Jake, but these are kind of anxious, depressing, and potentially stressful times. I could see that. Yes, and the best way to deal with these emotions is to speak to a professionally licensed therapist, but they're hard to find. unless you have BetterHelp.

Exactly. Better help is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's flexible, it's affordable, and yes, it's convenient because you can do it from home. You sure can. And it's very, very useful to speak to somebody. Take it from myself. I've tried therapy, and it's very, very helpful for me. Yeah.

So. Helped a lot. You were, like, insufferable. And now look at me. My head is on straight. Yeah. You're the man. So find your.

your therapist today with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash segments. Nice. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash segments. Segments. That's right. So if you find yourself anxious or stressed out about a certain work, life, love situation, speak to somebody who can help you.

And the best way to find that someone is BetterHelp. Right on. Thank you, BetterHelp. Thank you. All right. We've returned. The time is winding down. The clock is about to strike 12, but not before we play probably the most controversial polarizing and popular segment we've ever done. Yeah. We want to leave you with something special. Something memorable, something that's 100% unequivocally us. One. Where like love it or hate it. Two. Yeah, I was going to say love it or hate it. All right. Yeah. Let's just play. One, two. It needs no introduction as all. Let's go.

One, two, three, fifty-seven. Interesting. One, two, three, forty-four. Oh, really close. One, two, three, fifty-one. Yeah, I was going to say, I think we're starting to. Yeah, we were trying to meet each other. I thought, I thought we were kind of inching closer.

No, because it's not like an average thing. It's just like random numbers. Totally. All right, let's have fun. Let's stay true to the, the spirit of it. I was hoping that we do it in two and, like, go out on a I know. Yeah. Well, we might be able, let's, that game is a,

wash because I was I was like I wasn't really oh those were just warm up rounds I was yeah I'm like I have like brain fog so I was just trying to like clear my head I forgot about that how is that going by the way I forgot you had cog fog yeah cog fog vertigo um anal rosatia yeah so I'm going to an acupuncturist and an ENT I'm gonna get my chakra rebalanced but I feel like before I do all that I'm just going to try to focus, one, two, three, seven, six. So like, yeah, it's being worse. Okay, that's fine. Diveraging.

One, two, three, fourteen. Okay, that's good. One, two. Why was that good? Because it's just like, we're now, now we're playing the game. You know, I'm guessing independent is clear, basically. And I think now that we've established that's what's happening with this game, let's start fresh right now. a new game. There was one warm-up.

Do we have to get it right before we end the show? Yeah, I think we have to get it right before we end the show. Because it would be weird if we just did like 12 guesses. Yeah. None of them were right. And then we just said bye. Right. One. But at the same time, like forcing it might take so long. That's true.

One, two, three, eighty-eight. I already said 88. Yeah. It's probably in my mind. Let's start fresh. You inception to my ass. One, two, three, sixty-nine. 1, 2, 3, 93. 1, 2, 3.

25. 1, 2, 3. 33. You said 33. Yeah. I said 34. That's really good. That's really close.

That's honestly worth not ending the show over. I really think we have to continue the fucking program. two on the same page the spark is there we have to we have to keep at it yeah one two let me do some one two three three yeah i think that's what's fucking us up i think that could be one two three seventy eight one two three forty nine seven one two three twenty two one two three twenty one two three 59. One, two, three. Sixty.

One, two, three. Forty-five. Ooh, the Michael Jordan numbers. One, two, three. 82. One, two, three, ninety-six. I'm worried of ending the podcast on a whimper or, like, weird note. Because, like, even if we get it at this point, it won't be an impressive sum.

Right. Yeah. so like we shouldn't keep this game like we backed ourselves into a corner where now if we keep it in it's a anti-climactic but even if we get it right it's not that big of a W right because if we get it right in 20 I think the only at this point the only thing that would be interesting for our finale is if we played for the next hour trying to get it so people load the podcast it's a three hour episode it's a poem it's a game an ad And it's an hour and 42 minutes of the guessing thing.

That's kind of the only way we save it at this point, because if it's just a 45-minute episode with half of it being this. That's normal. Yeah. Yeah, that's casual. Right. We can. And I think people discount the game because they don't count this rambling,

inter-guessing conversation as part of it. Yeah. Right. No, I think. But this part is almost more important. Yeah, because we're talking things through. we're engaging with one of another. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what is the strategy to randomly saying a number and hoping your friends says it? I think I sort of clear my mind and think of a grid, a 10 by 10 grid. And then wherever that ball should land in my mind's eyes, when I whip it out. That's cool. I'll try doing that. Okay. Okay.

And let's do a backwards count. Okay. Three, two, one, 779. Yeah, worse, I was going to say. Okay. Three, two, one, 40. That's pretty in line. Something.

Yeah, that's definitely something. All right. Three, two, one, nine, and three, eight. Ooh, all right. Three, two, one, six. Eighty-one. Three, two, one, twenty-seven. Okay, okay.

Let's, let's pump the brakes. I feel like you're guessing randomly and not like with a clear conscious you're like trying to force an issue thing I'm not trying to force an issue I am yeah I'm clear headed

full-hearted are you guessing what I'm trying to guess or are you just guessing because it can't be you can't try to figure out drunk off my ass I'm wasted I am okay

because it's 421 so I didn't know if you were actually hammered yet I'm plastered so I'm I'm gone and faded I am obliterated Okay

I am Okay Do you see my eyes? Yeah Nobody's home Okay I'm not here I was gonna say

The poems weren't that good But they were really affecting you Yeah Yeah Yeah I was I was weeping Yeah 3

2 1 62 Wow close 3 2 1 184 3 2 1 49

Two, one. Forty-six. Three, two, one. 80. Like, if you hate this, what a terrible way to end. Like, it's just on and on the monotonous sort of nothingness. Yeah. And it's like, you start getting resentful.

Like, why did I? Why am I even still listening? Yeah. Like, I gave them years and years of my life. And this is almost a spit in the face. repay me with nothing like that you know in a way it is in a way it is i i would have to i mean i almost agree with it except for the fact that our ethos who we are who we have always been has been we make each other laugh and this is the way to do it and hope our audience laughs right

so we can't then i can't turn our back on that no and i can't i can't argue with somebody who doesn't think this is great and say no this is really good because correct i i don't necessarily think it is but there's something about it that tickles me and we laugh when we do it so it's it's true to our core value which is i try to make i try to make a mere laugh that's what i do i try to make you laugh i try to i try to entertain this duo right here what's weird is that this game doesn't do that. No. We're not cracking up. Well, we're, but we are, we're feeling something. Right. There's a connection. There's a spark. There's a connection. We're intrigued. We want to finish this. Yeah. Three, two, one. 38. Three. Yeah. I was going to say we have a common desire. Yeah, exactly.

Whether or not it's entertaining is sort of almost moot at this point. Three, two, one, sixty, four. A hundred. Yeah. I thought that was part of it. We can say that. Yeah. I was saving it. for a special moment. Totally. I thought that you felt that too. Yeah. Three, two, one. 12. What'd you say?

I said one. One. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're playing the game a little bit too much. Ready? That time I was. That time I definitely was.

Let's have you do some counting in. You can do one, two, three, or three, two, one. Or even a ready set go, I think works. Interesting. So it's not even numbers, because the numbers might be affecting our guesses. Yeah. Ready, set, go. 99.

Yeah, I thought you would do the one, two, three thing. Yeah. Okay, ready? Ready, set, go. 47. Ready, set, go 57. Ooh. Close.

Ready, set, go 62. Ready, set, go 31. Ready, set, go. 23. Ready, set, go. 55. Ready, set, go 56.

Ready, set, go 43. Ready, set, go 29. Ready, set go 31. Ready, set go 34.

Ready, set go 58. Ready, set go 62. Ready, set go, 42. Ready, set go. Go 46.

Ready, set, go 73. Ready, set, go 82. Ready set, go 29. Ready set, go 52.

Ready set. What did you say? What did you say? 50. God damn it. I don't think we've even nailed the last digit yet. Like I said 42.

say, 52. Yeah. I don't recall that. No, that's happened. I think we've done it with 50 and 60. That's cool. I'm scared, man. Like, I don't know what will happen next.

And I fear change. Yeah. I think we have, we've definitely painted ourselves into a corner because now I'm not even having fun. This is. No, and nor can we stop. Yeah. Because the only, the worst case scenario is stopping.

And the second worst is happening, which is getting. it. Neither of which are great. Yeah. We literally can't stop at this point. I thought it would happen by now. Let's just do rapid fire. One, two, three, thirty-six. One, two, three, fifty-four. One, two, three, seventy-three. One, two, three, sixty-two. One, two, three, twenty-five. One, two, three, twenty-five. One, two, three, fourteen. One, one, three, One, two, three, 18. One, two, three, 16.

One, two, three, 39. One, two, three. Eighty-two. One, two, three, sixty-two. There's that two. There's that two. Don't say we didn't do nothing for you.

Guys, thank you so much for listening. No. Yeah. No, it can't be that. I would rather cheat and literally sign to you what number I'm going to do. Yeah. I'm not going to do that though. Right.

Because that wouldn't feel right to me. No. It's not fair. And we can't make up for it next week. This is all we got. Yeah. Three, two, one. 501.

By the way, I thought you were signing to me because you were putting your hand up like this. Yeah. And then you looked like you were doing five. And then you said, and then you were like ready to go. would not I would never that's why I said 51 I would never yeah okay it wouldn't have felt good right yeah I mean I I felt conflicted about it but I was like I'm gonna guess because ready set go 29 ready set go 31 ready set go 36 ready set go 48 ready set go 74 ready set go 93 ready set go 55.

Fuck! I almost said 55. I was so, I was. I wonder why. I was, I think I've said 50. Is it because you fucking secretly resent me? I said, I mean, there's literally no other reason to do that. It's hard not to, I feel like out of 100 numbers.

Yeah. I know there's numbers I haven't said. Of course. And I know there's many numbers that I keep on repeating. Yes. And I'm like, I think I've, I've said 55 already. so yeah i i just went i just went one up and i shouldn't have okay and i fucked that up three two one thirty one three three two one you said 33 a lot i do yeah yeah i like that

number yeah it's a go-to yeah three two one thirty nine oh three two one forty two three two one sixty one six four oh three two one forty eight dang Three, two, one, Ninety-three. Oh, at 1983, that has to mean something. It's going to be exciting when we get it again. That's true.

Because it's rarely lasted this long. Yeah. It's funny. Three, two, one, fifty-five. Three, two, one, sixty-six. Eighty-seven. Three, two, one, seventy-four. Three, two, one, forty-eight.

Three, two, one, twenty-five. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty. 25. That was close. Mm-hmm. That was close. It'll be good to get it because at that point we'll be so done and everyone else will be so done and we will get to just be like it's it's it's almost a happy ending because we're ever putting ourselves and everyone else out of their misery, you know? Mm-hmm. It's like a, um, um, um, it's, it's, um, it's, um, it's, um, it's um, it's um, it's um, it's um, it's um, it's um, it's, um, it's, um, it's, it's, um, it's, it's, um, it's, it's wished for at this point. It's merciful.

It's, three, two, one, 29. Oh, half. Oh, that's kind of cool. Should we call it? No. Three, two, one, 99. Nine. Nine and 90.

That's interesting. We're getting cosmically closer. Yeah. I wonder if these people want to set the wedding anymore. Probably not. The card is evaporating. Three, two, one. Back to the future style.

20. Okay. Three, two, one, thirty-six. Three, two, one, seventy-eight. Three, two, one, forty-seven. Three, two, one, seventy. Three, two, one, seventy. Three, one.

31. 3, 2, 1. 49. Let's read the poems again. We need that. I think we need a palette cleanser. Something about an orange. Wendy Cope.

Or a car. What? Wendy Cope. I love you. I'm glad I exist. It's something that I wish I felt now. 3, 2, 1. 84.

56. Shit, I thought that was it. I thought we just had to take a. of beat. That would have been awesome. 3-1-37. 3-2-1-76. 3-2-1-80.

3-2-1-29. 3-2-1-22. 42. 3-1. 18. 3-2-1. 76. 3-1.

18. Three, two, one, thirty-three. I'm never going to say thirty-three. It would be a safe guess. You should just start saying a number that you've heard me say a lot because that's- No, because then it doesn't feel true. I want to say a number we both haven't said before. A new number.

A new number. Fifteen. Said it. I know. Three, two, one. Fifty-nine. I've said that 59, of course. Three, two, one, twenty, three, three, one, twenty, three, one, forty-one, nine, three, two, one, fifty-eight, six, three, two, one, forty-nine.

What do you want to do, man? Like, it's kind of gotten to the point. I want to end, I want to end the podcast, which is what we're doing. This show is over, okay? we are scraping the bottom of the fucking burial barrel now okay the burial the bottom of the burial yeah and time is it is up yeah it's we're absolutely done one two three nine two you say nine a lot by the way you say nine a lot and i'm not even talking about this game forgot about the ready set go part yeah yep ready set go 67 ready set go 82 oh we're there

ready set go 28 ready set go 33 ready set go 31 ready set go 70 28 ready set go 78 ready set go 73 okay okay no I get it now okay ready ready set go 37 oh okay 37 yeah yeah right ready ready set go 49 ah 48 okay okay I get it ready ready set go yeah 29 oh 29 okay gotcha got you ready ready set go 38 18 oh 38 okay I got it I got it ready set go 61 you said nine again oh 61 yeah I got it I got it yeah 61 okay I got it yeah Yeah, 61.

Okay, I'm on the same page. Ready? Here we go. Three, two, one. 24. All right. Super close. Stuff to landing.

Super close. Is it? 22 and 24? That was close. That was close. Is it? Yeah, it is close. It is close.

I think everyone listening now is impressed that we've gotten this close. First, they were mad. Well, they're getting madder, but I think in the long arc of history, the fact that we ended with one of our least popular segments. You think history will remember as well That we went out trolling I don't know Yeah I actually don't know I really don't know

It wasn't popular at the time And I'm worried that it won't be popular later still Yeah the last episode ever is just us Guessing random fucking numbers for the last Yeah for half of it Yeah Well it wasn't even supposed to be that long It really wasn't

We were actually planning on doing it as a joke Yeah we were planning on just saying it to irk people And now we've actually been playing Yeah. Now we have to almost. Again, we have to do it. Yeah. Three, two, one. 17. Ooh.

Three, two, one. Forty-six. Three, two, one. 85. Three, two, one. Ninety-five. Three, two, one. Fifty-eight. Oh, my God. Did we get 58 before?

I want to say. Doesn't it sound familiar? I know, because we play that. Or is it the, who's 58 games? The 58 game. I think the numbers we've gotten were in their 80s, I think. Yeah. Maybe it is.

Actually, that could be a good natural transition to play that because that's another one of our favorite segments that we haven't brought up today. Yeah. And I think that's a better way to go out. Right. That's more exciting. And we owe everyone an apology. But we had to see that through. And I think they understand.

How about whoever loses this has to give a $100 gift to Anna and Edgar who wrote us this lovely card. And wedding. Oh, that's nice. All right. We'll buy, yes, whoever loses will buy you something off of your registry. The knot.com. Should I say what it is, or is that kind of doxing them? I think it could be doxing in a way that's not.

Okay. So whoever loses this bet will pay for something off the registry in the $100 zone. Yeah. And hold us accountable, Anna and Edgar, let us know. Because I think I'm going to win and I don't want Jake to sort of skimp. I'm not going to stiff you. Don't stiff. Don't be a skimp like a chimp.

Okay. We'll ask Siri, which is always a fun way to hear it. Okay. Okay, I'll guess just right off the bat, John Favreau. Nice. Really nice. Siri, how old is John Favro? John Favro is 58 years old.

Okay. I have one guess to... That lasted so much shorter than the get... Like, people love this game and it ended instantly. Yeah, that's kind of messed up. The numbers game, which is universally, I want to see, reviled, lasted forever. I thought you said it was controversial like some people liked it. Two liked it.

Two. Ninety-eight hated it. That's a lot. That's not really controversial. Yeah, at that point. It's polarizing. Okay. I can snipe this.

Are you just going to go Vaughn? Can you not go Vaughn? Who? Vince Vaughn, his best friend from Swingers? Yeah. No, it seems like you. But what are the odds? they're the exact same age.

They do sort of look the same age. Yeah. I think that's a good call. I have to go Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn. Yeah. Siri, how old is Vince Vaughn? Vince Vaughn is 55 years old.

Wow. Younger than I thought. Good for Vinny. I feel like I should get one more. Yeah. Because you kind of... Let's go David Spade. I believe he's in the 60s.

Wait. Wait, then wait. Then wait. David Spade is 61 years old. He is in a 60s. I think it's going to be John Ham. Serial is John Ham. John Ham is 54 years old.

All right. Let's just end this damn show. It's cursed. It's a hundred dollars for every wrong guess. I'm buying them a friggin... A yacht. A stand mixer. Because newsflash, I'm not.

Okay, that's it. We squeezed as much as humanly possible out of this idea. We squeezed as much as possible out of this fucking episode. The poetry, the games, the guests. the numbers, the fucking invite. It happened organically. It ends with a gift. If you didn't like this episode,

at the very least, Anna and Edgar did. I hope so. I hope we did right by them. And if you're still listening to this, if you are a true day one, either day one of Jake and Amir all the way through to here, which is almost 20 years,

20 years, which is too much. Wow. Thank you. And we're kind of sorry. We're sorry to have wasted your time like this. We should have appreciated you. appreciated you more while it was happening. Our bad, but we can still be friends over at Patreon.

So it's not all over. Yeah, we're not done. We're still making stuff at patreon.com slash JA, trying to crack the crossword. It's kind of like the numbers game, but we look more stupid instead of just unlucky. And I think we should also say that the show ending is it's actually, it can and will and should. and hopefully does represent a new beginning for Amir and I. Because we've had a weekly obligation like this in some shape or form for a very, very, very long time.

And I think it'll be really nice for you and I to get back to basics and to just write and work on things that don't have to be released immediately. So you're saying the pressure of the podcast eventually like erosion wore us down to such a thin slice, a rock without a hard place. We were softened over the years to the point where our energy, our creative output was so depleted, we resorted to guessing fucking numbers for fun. I think, yes, I think it can become kind of rote and what doesn't,

even dream jobs like this. So I think if anything, it's going to be nice. Who knows what happens next? But it's nice that we're going to put a period on this. one and keep on working and making stuff together and then hopefully they'll be more soon and you'll hear about it in this feed again we need another decade long project the videos were one decade the podcast was a little over a decade what's going to take us to our mid 50s and dare I say 58 58 I want to play this game someday and guess me I put a fucking bullet in my head oh my god

he was 57 really shit I was so fucking out of it. I didn't even realize I didn't make it all the way. My God, man. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. We're sorry and ultimately thank you. Indeed. Shout out to Grimm for editing these

podcasts for all these years. Shout out to Ferris, who wrote the theme song. Yep. Shout out to... Anybody else we have to think? Shout out to you, man. Shout out to Blumenfeld for showing up and shout out to the fans. I think that's everybody. I think that's everyone

that helped us even a little bit. It was Grimm, Ferris, and you. And you, the little boy in a hot air balloon, holding on for dear life. Just to long for the ride. And everyone says, what's Jake doing with those three? A long good night. Now, shout out to you, too, because you made yourself available. You have another podcast that takes a lot of time to record.

So you had to squeeze these sessions in. more so than me. Yes. And you didn't miss a fucking day. Did we not miss a day? I think I did one episode with Ben seven years ago when you were sick or something. Yeah. I think that's right.

I don't know. Yeah, I was sick and it was like we used to record on Sunday sometimes right before the episodes came out. Yeah. You can always knock our quality, but you can never knock our quantity. Yeah. Our output. We are, we're the Cal Ripkin of podcasts. Actually, maybe we should do.

one more episode, just because the 58 thing felt forced a little bit. I wonder if we can get it in three. Yeah, we should. I feel like we got to keep going until we get it in three, right? Our record was like, was three, wasn't it? Three. Yeah, I mean, that's so good. We should have never played again.

We got it in three twice. Twice we got it in three. I mean, we've never done two in a row. Yeah, that's true. God, we could play for fucking ever and not get two in a row. Yeah. And we are currently on a one match streak. Like, do we fucking go for it?

Right. Or is it like crazy? Because what if we get it wrong? Yeah. Then we have to go until we get it again? I mean. I don't have the fucking time. No, no.

We wouldn't go until we get again. We might as well just go one more time. And because the last thing we've had was 58. Yeah. So we are on. We can end it on a high note. No, we're in pole position right now to get to in a row. Correct.

Well, this is our only chance to. get two in a row. So we might as well see if we can get two in a row. But if we get this one wrong, then we ended on a missed guess. That doesn't ring true either. I don't know. I mean, I think it's, I think it's, we didn't end it on a miss guess. We ended it going for glory, shooting the moon. I have a pretty good number too. Really? Like, I think I got it. I could see that. I could absolutely see that. I don't know why, but it feels right. Yeah. I've narrowed down to three basically. Right. Yeah. Are they ones that I say a lot? Yeah. No, I don't even think that. I think it just clean slate just like a number we might not have even said today. Yeah. God, I'm like kind of...

I'm nervous to go for it. I'm nervous to not. I'm scared of being here. I'm scared of ending the show. I'm scared of keeping it going. Let's... One, two, three, six... Ninety-one. All right. We fucking got it. We fucking God, it's 64, you idiot. That's Nintendo 64. I would never say that. Yeah, that was actually why I said it. I was like, that's kind of cool. It's actually pretty dope.

Yeah. Okay, stop. That's enough. That's enough. Enjoy. Thank you. Thank you. We'll see you guys, I'm sure, soon enough.

Stay subscribed to this feed because we might get fucking desperate after two weeks and just restart something. Just miss it. But appreciate you listening. Thanks for being along for the ride. for as long as you have been. Indeed. Good job. Chow for now. Bye.

That was a Hidgum original. I'm Tignotaro. I'm Mae Martin. And I'm Fortune Feemster. And together we're handsome. What is handsome? Well, it's a state of mind. It's how you feel.

It's whatever you want it to be. Hansom is also a podcast hosted by us. Three stand-up comedians you may have seen. on your TV. We swap stories, share life updates, and occasionally laugh until we cry. Every episode, we answer a question from a celebrity friend. People like Sarah Silverman. It's Stephen Colbert. It's Reese Witherspoon. My name is Mindy Kaling. Hello, Hanson podcast. It's Jen Aniston here. You gorgeous, devil you. So if you're looking for a positive, joyful show guaranteed to make you giggle. Check out handsome. Jump right in with whatever episode tiggles your

fancy or start from the very first episode listen to handsome on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on youtube new episodes every tuesday and friday and don't forget keep it handsome