If I Were You - 95: Minnesota

Episode Date: August 14, 2014

In this episode we discuss new love, old photos, and dealing drugs.This BONUS THURSDAY episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com -- comfortable, affordable underwear.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

uh let's just get started this was a very awesome awesome episode things got real for sure but uh in addition to that they got a little bit fake which i think you guys will appreciate let's get started if i were you's about to begin we're gonna hear from two very good friends taking a mirror so let them your ear you won't regret it you might regret it you actually might regret it if i were you show starts right now if i were you show starts right now michael schultz michael schultz ladies and gentlemen he's cool keep your eye on this kid he's a rising star he's not uh yeah i guess keep your eye on this one keep your eye on this one michael schultz he's just got that cool like jason maraz like when he when he plays a song it sounds like he's

smiling yeah and he makes me smile keep keeping keeping an eye yeah all right he's having fun with his music yeah and he's having fun with his music he's not letting his music have fun with him oh you have notes you're so it's a dialogue michael it's a dialogue you have no you you don't have any authority on this yeah but i feel like guys would have a musical ear you have perfect pitch you have perfect pitch give me a note i'll hit it okay c sharp c sharp another one prove me wrong uh e e yeah again huh e again e you're the really is consistent thank you i can't prove you wrong because i don't know enough either thank you uh hey this is if i were you the only advice podcast

on the interweb hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake uh bonus thursday up in this i guess it doesn't matter people are gonna listen to bonus thursday up in here up in here y'all gonna make me post a podcast up in here up in here you all are gonna make me act a fool up in here up in here for dmx you're so worried about everybody uh making him lose his cool yeah i really feel like he he went there to lose his cool yeah i feel like he never had his cool right one two maybe outside maybe outside like you just wanted that's what you were getting at from the beginning dmx you wanted us to meet you outside from the get go yeah don't put that on me um cool should we uh no i think that's it you're you're in a dark place yeah what's the matter sorry what's Gucci bud we got high

yesterday and i haven't recovered oh we did get high last night didn't we let's say that for the break oh shit uh so how does the show work people email us uh in need of advice and we try our best to answer their emails yeah it's weird hearing it now wondering like what the hell else did we used to say i don't know well it's different every time yeah uh so these are real emails from real people and we are going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity and and and and and and so do you have a fake name for this first email let's do famous stoners just like us yeah this first thing that we're known for right we're uh in getting high comedies weeds this one comes from Cheech and Chong oh both of them Cheech and Chong one guy named Cheech and Chong writes hey guys i'm

from england and on my way to moving to australia we visited family in minnesota i matched with an absolute diamond tinder and after two days of talking we hooked up i really like this girl and i have the option to go to university in minnesota if i live in australia it will be easier to fulfill my career of being a pilot but if i come back i'll get the girl but have a harder time becoming a pilot is this girl worth it keep in mind the sex was great any help would be much appreciated sincerely cheech and chong cheech and chong you got it all wrong sorry cheech marin but you're a little bit too caring oh nice and uh chong what's his last name tommy chong tommy chong why already rhymed with chong don't do me wrong uh yeah sounds like you're

jumping the gun a little bit ace i don't know you did sleep with a girl should you not move to minnesota for her that's a decent idea i remember um when i slept with a girl i wanted to move to minnesota too yeah although she lived in california still oh i oh i was on the run on the lamb going ham it's a little excessive to match with somebody on tender sleep with them no matter how good the sex is no matter how much of a dime she is to change your life goals and instead of living in australia live in minnesota the opposite of australia so you're from london on your way to australia by way of minnesota and you're thinking hey fuck it i slept with one girl here i'll live here now i think this is me forever this is where i can go to have sex it's nice here

in july certainly the weather doesn't dip well below what 70 60 degrees i can handle the cold you are you're all weather focused i'm just you know this is just a dumb move you're you're obsessed with weather from australia to minnesota that's the opposite you can't have word that's gonna be so i feel like weather you're weather alone so like in a way no matter who he slept with you would be like no the weather is bad don't move there oh yeah in addition to that yeah you're i'm just anti-cold weather all right so imagine this happened in southern california he's on his way from from london i would think it's a slightly better idea really yeah you just hating on minnesota no no no i'm just telling nobody i'm just telling him not to live there

not hating on minnesota just saying they have bad weather no one should move there minnesota's great you're putting minnesota on blast the weather is you're putting all state on blast the cold it is it's an arctic blast it's a winter blast putting okay it's painfully cold i'll put him on blast for sleeping with someone once and then uh saying that you want to be in a relationship with them not just like if that alone is kind of insane to be like okay we live in the same town we slept together now are we now should i be in a relationship with this person you're talking about moving somewhere for someone and i'm putting your career on hold is this girl worth it uh does she even want you to do this if she found out she'd probably be like you're a little more this is yeah this is

a little too much this is like this on this girl's end it's like i slept with this guy it was all right but like you know he's in australia so it's kind of like a no strings attached actually i've been thinking about it he's from i think i want to live here now he's from england though oh very well then say max it i can only do one it's either american or not american it's either american or silly voice so uh yeah i think this is i think i'll stay here oh yeah hey uh hey chibi out in uh uh chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim churu move to minnesota to be with you uh yeah don't move to minnesota you can be a pilot you'll have plenty of sex that way yeah you're going to australia to become a pilot i promise you should have sex in australia

then maybe you'll want to live there yeah just yeah at least try to have sex in two different places and then you decide the best is at the beginning of a relationship you can only imagine that it's going to stay that amazing forever and ever right you only ever think i'm thinking about the good things yeah which right when you've had a tinder single tinder date that ends in boning you're like oh this girl's the best this is the best possible relationship yeah we'll just meet up have sex forever and i'll live my life in ten percent orgasm yeah ten percent orgasm in this dream state called minnesota in this miraculous city called st paul you know they're actually from monamony right monamony doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot don't move to minnesota

that's the final answer we'll say do not move to minnesota it it you know it gets better for a girl this is the opposite i'm not like you not gonna put minnesota on blast uh minnesota's got its perks yeah i mean it's great they're three months out of the year all right now moving onwards on to the next on on to the next we'll never talk about that guy ever again all right in our whole lives uh we need a lady's name is there a famous female stonesmith female stonesmith um elana glazer broad cities they're always getting high oh elana glazer writes hey guys i've known my current fiance for a good part of a decade but we've only been official for less than a year we recently moved in together i know i shouldn't have but being the nosy insecure person i am i went

through his things one day and found a mountain of pictures of him and his ex gf normally this wouldn't bother me being that they've broken up for years and that these pictures are buried in the back of a closet but i guess what gets to me is the fact that he's still friends with his ex gf on facebook and gmail and i'm not sure whether they keep in touch or not is it wrong to be jealous that he still has some sort of connection with her even if it is minor i mean wouldn't he be furious if i moved in and brought a bunch of pictures of me and my ex and was still friends with them on social networking sites should i tell him that this bothers me or is it immature and petty thanks elana what do you think uh one you can't be friends with someone on gmail so right off the bat that

doesn't make sense if they had an email relationship she'll be in his context yeah that's gonna be there too i think being facebook friend like it's weird that what bothers her is not the real photos that he kept but the fact that he's still facebook friends with this girl shouldn't it be the opposite like he can be facebook friends with her because that doesn't mean anything but keeping the photos is bad yeah well i just think this is always like a weird slippery slope like do you nobody ever thinks about their exes right that's not true it's just me you're doing the thing where you don't do something and so you assume nobody does yeah um i need to actually i need to get better at that what you have to think about your exes more no i need to start i need to stop saying

grand sweeping statements because they like sound cool because like i don't actually know what i'm like nobody does this yeah that's not true everybody does everything but that's good at least talking about it you have to make like like vast generalizations that way like people react to it that's exactly it yeah so i would say um for the most part i don't think like it's on his mind that he's got like a stash of pictures hidden away in his closet and and like he's got these amazing little secret relationships on gchat and facebook like he probably not thinking about it at all definitely less than you are right like when you break up with someone you put their pictures away and then you don't think about them anymore yeah because in that moment you're like oh well i can't

just like throw these all away right now it's it's too heartless so i'll put them in the bottom of this closet and then you're never going through your closet being like it almost be worse if like right now today he was like i need to throw away these pictures of my ex i have to get her out of my mind right she's already not in his mind that's why he hasn't thrown away the pictures that's why he hasn't deleted her on facebook or gchat that's the weirdest part about breaking up is that you have to just like throw away all these precious things not precious anymore but they were it's like photos of you guys together that like we're very touching sweet you just have to put them in a dumpster and throw them away right because they can't ever kick them they become garbage but they

become garbage not in like the sense that they're worthless it's even worse than that because then like they become painful garbage for somebody that you end up caring about to see right like oh this is harmful toxic waste you i should throw these away right now there's a there's a gift that one of my ex-girlfriends gave me of like a she like put she took this photo of me uh in front of like a nice natural setting and like made it look cool and like montagey and like framed it and give it to me as a gift and my mom still has it up in our house and like it's a little weird because it's like this gift from an ex-girlfriend is up in my house but like it doesn't really make me think of her when i see it right but if i had a girlfriend now and she's like she for whatever reason knew

that there was that still that painting that picture of me up that my ex-girlfriend gave me she would be very upset yeah potentially but it doesn't really quite mean anything it doesn't like i don't keep it up because i still have feelings for this i think all this stuff feelings for yeah but i think this all goes back to like not how you feel but how your uh loved one feels right so if you had a girlfriend who's found that out and she was like it really bothers me seeing that you're like oh it doesn't bother me at all but like knowing it bothers you makes me want to get rid of it like not that it matters either way right it's almost worse so i think like the the worst thing would be like hey i want you to get rid of that picture and you're like absolutely not it's part

of my past and i still miss this person in fact i would still be with her if she didn't dump me yeah well maybe that's another thing that i have going for me is that i've never been dumped yeah so like there's not really any like i don't feel any desire to hang on to anything because like i was the one that wanted things to be like let go in the first place but if somebody i mean i don't even think i have anything but somebody was ever like hey i want you to get rid of these like old love letters from your girlfriend that uh yeah sure uh it was trash i forgot to throw away yeah let's right yeah fine but why did you keep it uh because i forgot it was in there i also have my report card from seventh grade but that doesn't piss you off so you don't think that i like kept it for some weird

reason just because i dated my english teacher i miss her uh i think it'd be a different thing because she that mentioned like he would be hurt if i brought pictures when i moved in but like yeah if you like went through you found pictures of your exes pack them up and brought them to a new place it's such it's a little more like if you just keeping them as one thing but taking them with you that's that's where the guys had moved into a new house then i'd be like yeah it's a little weird yeah you don't want to do that he's just like a little hoarder boy do you have anything from xgfs that you're just like i don't want to get rid of this this is cool uh not that i know of i mean like there's a possibility that like maybe one of my exes like would have given me a book or something

or like or a toy that i still have but even something like that i wouldn't even know anymore like i right it's not a disassociated so much so like the only thing i could imagine is like if i had pictures of an ex-girlfriend somewhere i'd be like i would be happy to get rid of those because i know that they like shouldn't be around really right but it's like i would it's so far out of my mind so that's where that's just why i imagine this dude is this is why after a breakup you should just get rid of everything the great purge throw everything away yeah actually you might as well preempt it just because your relationship is probably not gonna last yeah odds are what are the what's the percentage of relationships that go not only through marriage

but that end up not even in getting a divorce right it's such a small amount yeah so throw everything away now so if you're in a relationship throw everything away now even though quote unquote burn all the books burn all the books burn all the books what if they're not even gifts from loved ones we should burn books oh you're saying even separate from anything like in fahrenheit 451 how did you know that that was the one book i didn't burn one book i didn't burn it's very very night 451 because it made me feel like a real hypocrite burn all the books except for that one uh so what would you tell this girl i would say if the pictures are really bothering you you could be like hey stumbled across these yeah uh could do like i don't really like that you have them

and it'll probably be like okay i'll get rid of them right i wouldn't go as far as being like unfriend your exes on facebook unfriend like because then you that right now your biggest concern is that the x is in that person's mind and heart and they're not but as soon as you bring it up as soon as you're like delete them on facebook delete them from gchat throw out that box then they're swimming in memories of their x which is your greatest fear and the one thing you want to avoid right actually if i were you i would just throw away the pictures myself i don't probably never know and see if he does notice yeah what a social experiment yeah it's almost like a bigger deal to unfriend someone on facebook like if i unfriended one of my ex-girlfriends now

on facebook it would be like oh i'm thinking about her still yeah to keep her because that's a change to keep her as a friend means i'm not thinking about her exactly throw the pictures away keep a friend on facebook burn all the books burn all the books those are the three step three steps to being uh in a happy loving relationship again uh so she you're saying don't say anything don't say anything throw away the books throw away the pictures throw away the pictures print the books that's an interesting thing throw away the pictures he can't get mad at you nor can he ever say that like i can't find them you should just like clean out the whole closet be like yeah i got rid of like some of this old stuff so i donated some jackets no i threw away

all the pictures of your ex-girlfriend because i don't know why you have those what should we do for lunch i'm thinking turkey lasagna uh all right next question we need another male's stoner's name another male stoner uh how about jake herwits do i fucking love getting high i love smoking weed i love doing edibles and honestly if i could i would marry thc but you know you can't i the only reason i don't is because i know i can't of course but you if you could marry the chemical that gets thc what does thc even stand for technically hot coolness thc stands for technically hot coolness i should have said totally hot coolness yeah you want to edit this should we edit that to uh to uh totally hot coolness yeah the first thing

i said totally hot coolness this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more

balanced life i've tried therapy it's been very helpful um so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if i were you you do that today you can get 10 off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's betterhelphelp.com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you

that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example i didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude.com i bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or i guess dedicated to anyone else in your life maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to

go to squarespace.com slash if i were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if i were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again squarespace.com slash if i were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if i were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace uh all right so Jake Hurwitz writes hey dudes i'm 18 and i'm about to be a senior in high school over the summer my dad signed me up for improv classes and they started about a week ago since i can't drive yet my dad drives me to the place and stays during class so he can drive me home my dad says that he it looks like a lot of fun and wishes he had signed up for the class here's my problem the

instructor let him join in during the last half of the most recent session and he was terrible he brought down the mood of everyone there and just made for a less fun class improv just isn't for him but he said it was so much fun that he was going to come with me next time with a check so he could join the class now i don't want to spend 210 on this because i just don't think it's for him and i don't want to waste his money i really don't want to sound like a brat as i'm very grateful for him to drive me there every week and pay for me but i just don't think he should do it so what should i do politely tell him he shouldn't do it or just let it slide and let him spend his money how he wants any advice would be greatly appreciated love jake oh what a sad situation

yeah we've had a lot of sad emails but uh this one's really sad sad dad emails yeah like my dad wants to help me pick out the car remember this that was the season the cheese original yeah god just like a dad wanting to do improv with his son and being so bad at it and then he's like that was great i think i'll join your class that was really fun son i bet you had fun improvising with your old man but you didn't know i had it in me huh oh i tutored my pants i'm gonna save that one for next class it's gonna be a lot of fart jokes from your old man certainly you can't get mad at me i am driving and paying for you oh the funny thing is if this kid kind of sucks the improv and his dad is decent his dad's killing it my dad's like improv is not for him i'm the funny

one in the class and everyone's like yo your dad's awesome and you're not that good nah that's not it so what would you do if your dad wanted to join in on your hobby um well i this see this is where i think that we can give real like i would probably be really happy now if my dad was like i want to i want to try no i'd be really scared my dad if we were doing a show if you're doing a college humor live my dad said he wanted to try out five minutes to stand up i think i would be supportive of it well that's one thing but like if you if you wanted to be a part of our set yeah not even a part of your set but a part of your class like eight weeks of lessons i'd be thrilled i think that'd be really funny but if you're a senior in high school yeah of course well that's different

you asked what i how i would feel me 29 year old jake i'm chilling that's cool my daddy yeah you never you never want to do anything that i want to do so now sure how fun for me dad for you to finally take an interest so yeah sure i'd embrace that i might point out that never in his life has he ever wanted to do anything i wanted to do so that's kind of cool that you finally do but i'd like an apology for all the past the the past transgressions um but yeah i think if uh this is kind of the opposite of what's going on in your life when you crash your dad's soccer games and he feels bad because you suck at soccer yeah um uh he will he uh he thinks it's cool that i'm there i think don't pass on the ball he doesn't deserve the ball

oh damn it he'll sometimes tell me to come to practice he's like you'll be skinned so don't bother bring your shirt so i'll show up shirtless ready to play and i and i see that everybody is just blacks and whites and i don't even have a shirt either color and it's like 38 degrees yeah and he's like oh uh you can just run home and then somebody's like i have an extra jersey and my dad it's like damn it and like but it's cool because i think he like he's saying damn it that he was like that he's making me borrow his friend's shirt not that i'm playing that's the saddest thing i'm so sorry this is this i i think you can first of all this kid's not like a total asshole no he's sort of aware that he's that he doesn't want to sound like a brat right and he and he's grateful

for the rides yeah i think you might be able to just be like dad i really appreciate the rides and i love that you want to do improv i think it'll like throw me and take me out of this like these scenes which is something that i've learned in improv that i need to be like really present for oh yeah that's and i think doing these scenes with my dad not that i don't love you not that you're not great at improv um but i think us doing it together is going to rob us both of that rich experience i think you should um take your own class after mine's finished that's a good idea that way you can say oh it's it's not that you're unfunny just that it's gonna negatively affect my experience yeah or and you know get your license dog you're 18 then you don't need to

worry about your dad driving in places that's what fucked it up to begin with don't you see if you didn't drive you couldn't see it i mean i didn't see anyone joining my dad if i was 18 my dad was just in the room watching yeah watching like that sounds pretty improv practice seems very high stress like forced funny and then to have your dad watching that and then like pulling up his jeans pants while he's walking onto the stage let me give this a whirl actually oh jeez yeah sure i guess i see well he's been to every practice so maybe he is like he's down to just give it a shot i also think when you're 18 everything that your dad says isn't funny so you should uh look around the room and see if other people are laughing if they are then embrace it yeah

there's i know a lot of cool dads and then they're like 18 year old sons or it's like the sons are like oh just give it a rest dad you're like no i mean it's fine it's funny he's cool no no no i'm like freaking dad my dad sucks ass trust me actually you suck a little ass kid impossible you're thinking of my dad probably just because i look like him all right so tell your daddy that you want to oh you should do something else with him but that your improv classes should be separate that way you can still hang out with them just not in such a very uncomfortable environment improv lessons uh all right should we take a break let's do it uh stonerings highs highs and lows musings on marijuana's

um well you got high yesterday yeah i think because i do it so infrequently when i do do it it hits me harder did you get like very stoned yesterday no i just have like cobwebs in the morning what do you mean like i feel like i feel yeah i feel tired and heavy and what did you do last night after you smoked uh i watched terminator two with streeter did you you're like you're it's like you're 17 now yeah exactly everything you didn't do then you yeah was it awesome yeah ruled it was awesome yeah i should have stayed up terminator two ruled but the last time i got high it was that uh that indoor football game and i got too high oh yeah well you guys you ate something yeah oh like animals are the worst why does anybody want to feel that way because in theory it's

good because it's like oh i don't have to put smoke in my lungs so like it's healthier all i have to do is suck on this candy but the problem is you don't know what how much is in it right if i have a joint i know like okay i'll hit this like three or four times and i'll be fine let's do it and then if i have an edible like i don't should i spit it out now have i gotten the appropriate amount of thc and also like i how all i had was the the a jolly rancher sized candy and after an hour i felt fine but then like after an hour and a half i was so paralyzed like my body was vibrating i went to go get food at a concession stand and i was like oh no i don't know what to get so i ordered two hot chocolates i've never ordered hot chocolate in my life i've never wanted a hot chocolate and i was just like

two hot chocolates i gotta make up for lost time i've never had a hot chocolate but right now i want to who ordered hot chocolate at an indoor football who goes to an indoor football game not a lot of people i will tell you that what did was it good uh it was too much the high or the game no the hot chocolate oh the hot chocolate felt great at the time because my in my brain i was like in a frozen tundra and every sip like made me really happy but it was not fun to be that stoned yeah no i'm never ever like feeling like that also like the timing is terrible you if you suck on a jolly rancher you're really high an hour and a half later yeah no if i want to smoke weed it's like an impulsive decision right then and they're like cool yeah i would

like to be high in the next five minutes great not okay i'm gonna do this i'm gonna i'm gonna suck on this now and in two hours i'll be dead for three hours i was dead for longer than three hours i was gone i was done for the rest of the night it was over for me that does not sound like a way i'd want to spend my time uh yeah but it's i guess it's more fun to eat something than to breathe it in i don't know no it's not we're discussing how it's not well i mean the act of it like i'd rather eat a cookie than smoke a cigarette oh i'd rather smoke a cigarette than eat a cookie really but it tastes good yeah but like i i love the aesthetic of like passing a joint around and feeling like that paper between my fingers whoa whoa whoa

you are advocating drug use right now drug use is legal here in minnesota uh yeah we's basically legal at this point well what's your relationship with it um i used to smoke a lot of weed when i was in high school that was your most yeah when i was in high school and like i guess early college i smoked the most weed and which is what every day um i probably smoked not every day but maybe like four or five times a week in high school like after high school yeah like after school and i was like selling it uh a little bit you get arrested that's that's oh shit did your mom know this did you tell her to turn it down um she knows well my mom and dad caught me caught you selling it yeah i thought i told you this i don't know if i know that your parents caught you

dealing drugs so i would buy like i wasn't like a big time drug dealer i would buy like an ounce which separates into like 27 grams you could sell a gram for like 20 bucks uh that was the price back then now it's i think it's less but so i would buy an ounce and i would separate it into little grand bags you had a scale yeah i had a scale and i had like a ton of little plastic baggies where did you get that uh i don't want to put this dude on blast in case he's in case he's still selling it yeah you know what i mean but let's just call him ricky the weasel which is not even close to his name so it was just this other kid in my school that was like his brother his like older brother was like moving larger quantities and he could like grab an ounce for me right

so i would get that it was separated into little baggies i would weigh it all out and then i would sell it to like uh kids at school basically you could have been arrested i guess but i was never like traveling around with like ounces in my car it was like a little bit i probably would have just gotten in trouble i was also i was like younger than 18 so i could have gotten in that much trouble but i kept it in like this drawer in my basement that i didn't think anybody ever went into the basement drawer the basement drawer the forbidden basement drawer and i went and i raised my did anybody break the lock on your basement drawer the nobody well here's what did happen i went and i raked my grandparents uh yard uh like a good little boy yeah i came home i was uh

unbuckling my seatbelt and like the next thing i knew was just the door was open and my dad was like grab he'd never like physically grab me but he like grabbed me by the shirt and he pulled me out of the wall you're selling weed whoa really yeah because he didn't just like catch me like yeah he didn't just catch me with like a little bit of weed in my pocket like you're smoking weed like they caught me with that like all the time my mom would wash my pants they're just like weed or i'd come home and reek of it it's like knew i smoked but like my dad found the baggies the scale and like four hundred dollars oh my god i'm definitely i'm caught i'm completely caught but the worst thing was that he he took like a full ounce of weed he ate it in front of you he you

do weed i want you i want you to look what it does to your old man he just started laughing and eating this is actually really chill i'd like to go into business with you son can we do this thing together but that was the worst part because i had like i had i needed to sell it to make my money back like i was in the hole like i think i'd split this package with somebody else so it wasn't just like my money that was getting fucked with i like needed to give this dude didn't your dad get that oh i had eventually just i went to him like i won't i'm not going to sell it anymore but like i don't i need to get rid of this you have to let me have it back he was like jesus and he let me he let you what he gave it back to me i needed to sell it he you he let you sell off

the ounce of weed that you had i think he i don't think he knew that i was like selling it to i think he thought that i could get my ass kicked he was like uh you can give it back to the guy who gave it to you or something did they did it scare you enough to never do it again um i i can't remember if i continued to sell after that i think what the real thing was that i was only making i wasn't like making enough money for it to be worth like the stress and the risk yeah like if you're still raking yards for cash yeah and my friends were such little shitheads like they'd call me up and like yo can i get a gram and i drive down to their house they'd come out of the oh we only had like 14 bucks fuck you man dude ricky the weasel's gonna have my thumbs for that uh but then i like the

real like i would smoke and i saw lord of the rings and kink they had and it's talking about getting old and dying i was like oh shit my grandparents are getting old oh no everybody i know and love is gonna get old and then i was like these like 10 minute hyper freakouts or i'd like go to the concession stand at the movies and be like everyone knows i'm high everyone thinks i'm high everybody thinks i'm a weirdo so like it became less and less worth it to smoke weed because i would have like these mini panic attacks and then at a certain point i started anticipating them too much and i would like give them to myself so i'd start thinking about things that would inevitably freak me out so now it's just like i don't want to smoke

weed i don't want to like overant i don't need to be over analytical of anything yeah you're already yeah there's no point so i'll smoke weed to like relax me if i'm already drunk but i would i don't think it would be very fun to like sit around eat do an edible and then yeah lay on the ground it seems like most of the quote-unquote pot heads that i knew like the ones that got high a lot uh telling them not to smoke doesn't do anything it like you have to smoke so much that they no longer like it right like those are the ones that actually stopped like oh i quit why because uh i just didn't like it anymore it wasn't fun it got boring right because it's at first it's cool so then you're like oh i want to do this it's cool and edgy even though it's not very fun

at least i'm cool and then when you're like reach that age where you're like oh wait this isn't cool and i don't like it why am i doing this i think i'll just stop right but then there are other people who smoke their whole lives yeah aka the president what yeah obama you know things fucking rip in a ghosty right now yeah a gravity bong jesus in the oval office that's so pimp all right that was our uh them's the break them's the break indeed uh one last question yeah oh this one's from a lady another stoner gal not a problem um good then there we go one time her name is jim brewer in a wig there's gotta be another stoner chick uh stoner chick yeah isn't that we're missing like a really obvious one and everybody's gonna

get mad at me alicia silver stoner alicia silver stoner writes i'm a 26 year old accidental virgin i say accidental since i didn't base this life life decision around any religious reason nor did i ever expect to be breaching my late 20s with that label still attached when i got to college i had decided that i wasn't going to have sex until i felt like i was in a committed enough relationship that wouldn't have me ultimately regretting the decision now don't get me wrong i pretty much did everything else with guys from random hookups to casual relationships just not the full deal so eight years have passed since i started college and little did i know i would be spending the first half of my 20s avoiding serious relationships like the plague

now that i'm finally out of school and focusing more on my personal life i've been dating pretty consistently and will most likely soon be faced with a dilemma do i tell the lucky guy that i'm still a virgin or will that completely freak him out love alicia silver stoner i don't know man would it freak you out if a girl you're about to hook up with said she was a virgin i might have some questions about it i might be a little bit nervous that happened to me a couple years ago i think that and did it make you not like the person it made me a little nervous because i was like this is a meaningful act to a lot of people who especially people who have been waiting even though like that could be wrong as it would be for a guy to assume that about this

girl like maybe she's saving herself for someone special i hope she doesn't think i'm special and i'm gonna be like seriously committed to her i think you just not say anything or is it noticeable well i guess it depends if her hymen is popped right or yeah because if there's blood and it'll be tight she might need to tell them so it's like more gentle than uh sex with non-virgins tends to be so you do have to say if she's still waiting for a committed relationship maybe she might as well tell the guy that right if you're if you want it to turn into a committed relationship you should start with being honest with somebody right either i could you just go to a jiggalo and just be like take this burden from me remove this scarlet letter sir pound it away

take my burden can you pop your own hymen with a dildo vibrator probably a vibrator actually rests on your clit so a dildo is what you're talking about oh interesting we vibrators probably can go in your vagina too it's just i'm thinking of like a rabbit or something uh so the question specifically is oh there's actually a follow-up is being a 26 year old virgin a deal breaker to the average non-religious sexually active 20-something male would you be freaked out if your next girlfriend was a virgin i'm sure it's it's it's not a deal breaker deal breaker what would you do i i think if i went on several dates with someone and then like we were already getting to the point where

it's like oh we're gonna like have sexuals then if she said that to me i wouldn't be like whoa get away from me no way deal breaker deal breaker to deal breaker combo breaker we should get that game uh so it's not a deal breaker i think you can say it if anything it's kind of like it kind of will maybe help like oh you trust me more than anyone else ever that's true but then a lot of guys don't want to be in that position where they're like locked into something they're like wow you are going to be inextricably emotionally tied to me do you know how many girls virginities you've taken no would you guesstimate a percentage of your total ladies probably very little like like zero to five percent i don't know what uh

you yeah i don't know sure because most of them came later when everyone was sexually active yeah right i so i think you you could maybe anticipate like these guys concerns which will be does this mean you're like i it's just a lot of responsibility to be somebody's first is there anything to not saying it no i i think she should say it but i think she might also be like and i'm not like expecting you to like be my boyfriend and commit to me and like do all this i just want you to know that i am a virgin but i'm totally right by saying no pressure like yeah this is where like a casual thing growing whatever i'm not trying to not that he should even have to i guess but like that would be my concern if i was dating if i was going on a couple days with someone

and it was like getting to that stage and they're like i'm a virgin i would be like my first thought is are you saving yourself for someone special because i'm not special i'm a piece of shit so i would want that girl to be like i'm a virgin i know you're an asshole it's fine i'm just but just by you saying that you're a piece of shit you're an asshole you're already special because most guys are that and they don't think so oh yeah yeah so i'm special i'm cool i'm not an asshole because you at least are self-aware enough to recognize that about where am i so big of an asshole that i know that saying i'm an asshole puts me in sort of a better light than other guys dig deeper you're saying dig dig there's a third turn where you're

an asshole again you look in the mirror i'm not there you flip the mirror a little bit there i am it's a third dimensional me but uh oh i'm still a piece of shit this is like when i called you a peanut m&m like on the on the shell you're hard and bad but there's chocolate underneath you right though keep digging and you will actually you'll see the core is a shitty little peanut that's me you're a peanut i'm a peanut m&m big and yellow oh yeah yellow because i'm a coward chicken chicken shit chicken schnitzel uh all right so let him know tell him it's okay right and i think as long as you're being clear about being a virgin like be extra clear about what you really want even beyond that uh yep cool great done next uh if you have your own own questions for us

you can email them to if i were you show at gmail.com we also start and close every episode with customized theme songs written and recorded by our awesome fans that first one was from michael schultz and this last one is from henry and james oh also i wanted to mention that uh Dave Rosenberg our buddy had a good idea that uh if there are any like talented visual artists as well as musical artists you can create uh and send us a cool uh thumbnail image for our podcast and whenever we post it to facebook we can uh actually use a customized thumbnail instead of using the same one over and over so if you have any ideas or if you think you want to take a crack at like making a new thumbnail for our podcast we'll use it when we upload it to facebook and people will

be able to see it that way uh all right that's it see you monday everybody bye sure love line is no longer limited to the coast to coast radio model that's true dr drew we are now global and on demand go to podcast one dot com we can download full shows write your computer or phone and take us with you on your commute or even to work or to the gym or grocery shop wherever you're going take it download it the same old love line show that airs nightly on the radio near you they're all now available whenever and wherever you want the free love line podcast only from podcast one at podcast one podcast on e dot com yeah