If I Were You - 98: Underwear (with Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: August 25, 2014

Friend and star of "Silicon Valley" Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss technology, fidelity, and stealing underwear.This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com, SlugBooks.com, and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you have a worry or you're troubled by strife You should ask Jake and Amir what to do with your life And if I were you, I'd do that too If I were you Was that good enough for you, Tom? Or do you want better shit? That was palpable You're crying It doesn't matter

I had a rough week and that was just It spoke to me You were staring out the window that entire song You were crying before it started too Yeah, I cried when I got here That guy's name was Danny Cole And he says, look me up on YouTube And his last name is CLL without the E

Danny Cole Look me up on YouTube You're as good as he is No, I don't think so No Holy shit, this is your email address It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter I've got an email

It was palpable She wants to be in the middle Are you a good singer? No, not really Can I tell you she wants to be in the middle? I was hanging out with the old B Schwartz Ben Schwartz, the Bean Everyone calls him the Bean

Danny Bean I'm starting out The Bean We went to a symphony We went on a date to a symphony Why? We met some people but it's through him He's got a strange life

And at one point a lady She wanted to take a photo And she said, can I take a photo? And they're like, yeah, where do you want to be? And she goes, I want to be in the middle And then as she's walking over Ben and I, we knew what was going on We said, she wants to be in the middle

And that's been in my head for a week now Straight, I didn't have my girlfriend singing it We're all just walking around the house singing She wants to be in the middle Is that an existing song? No We just had the exact same song Up in your head, like the same weird range of tunes

That's amazing Do you ever, like, fans ever come up to you Like a comedian friend and you guys just do bits Past when they come And they're like, alright, that's fine Okay, bye And then you're still just riffing and doing bits And they're already like, yeah

We're not doing the song They never meet your heroes Yeah, exactly No, I don't even, I don't really talk to the fans I don't need to Play that song again Thomas Middleditch, back on the show Part three?

Part three Holy shit You're a regular streeter Seidel now That's what they call me Yeah, the being in street That's what they call you when Ben on the street It's true, the being the street and the old Middelstein The last time you were here was the day before

Silicon Valley debuted Oh yeah, we did before And we were talking about the poster and like Yeah, yeah And then we did it kind of during almost or just before Did we? Oh, we've done, I thought the second time was right before The first time So we did double before

Like he showed us the photo of the poster on his phone Right before it was just plastered everywhere All the way down And then The second time was the day before it came out Right And then we called you like the next week Like, hey, we should do another one

And then you called us back from your convertible And you're like, sorry bro, I can't hear you right now His personal assistant called Oh yeah, he's like, let me get Jerry on the phone They're like, Thomas doesn't do podcasts no more But then you put us in touch with your lawyer, your agent Your manager and your publicist Can you hit 250?

I'm like, what are you talking about? Hit 250 Like that's Tommy's going rate That's my usual listener cat 250 people Which is great Which is huge That's a room, that's a theater

And that's what I get whenever I'm on my soap box out in downtown Screaming away Yeah, covered in silver paint The end is nigh I'm from another planet Yeah, and now it's post Now it's post Silicon Valley Let's talk about it during the break

That'll be a fun little discussion How your life has changed Sure, sure babies Sure babies Baby boys Spread your little legs open for me Both of you guys have such wide sitting stands You both, yeah, but you're in shorts

Just a modest state Close them up You're a conservative little boy I just, you know, come on You Canadian Look at you dude Take off that hat dude No wait man, it's how I maintain my fresh style

Brother, you've been on the show You know how it works We get emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives And they email us at a fire you show at gmail.com And then we answer other questions Sometimes it's just me and Jake And sometimes Thomas Middleditch is in the haaaad Wee woo

Wee woo indeed Wee woo, she wants to be in the middle She wants to be you Wee woo, wee woo, she wants to be you I'm very excited, I love this Yeah, this is fun, right? It's super fun for me It's fun for us and it's fun for the audience

I hope it is That's a triple win I hope people aren't like, oh, what? We already got enough of this fucking ass show The show gets better when we have repeat guests Yeah, because the chemistry's there Yeah, the chemistry's there and there's a better flow to the show It's not people discovering it for the first time

The show's got good flow For a show For a show For a show A flow It goes You know My nose

My nose Oh, wait Alright, let's get this She's a hemophiliac I'm a mo, Mary mo Mary mo Whoa, a scorpion just came out of your nose Shit, put it back in

I'm made of scorpions You weren't supposed to see that Until 2016 Scorpion controls my every move Oh, dear Alright Oh, this is a fun part too Tom gets to make up names for these people

We're right into it That's the preamble Now we're into helping out the folks Now it's the U.S. Constitution, baby What? The preamble to the Constitution Hey, look, I'm from Canada You said it earlier

Is Canada to have a constitution? Or are they just like, everyone just be nice This is so bad, I don't know You are American now I don't think we have a... I can't say, I don't know When you study history in Canada in elementary school and high school

is it Canadian history? We study a fair amount of Canadian history I just didn't pay attention I remember Louis Royale, the Metis fugitive and John A. MacDonald, the first prime minister We, we, we No, he's Scottish Bite down on this, bite down on this

So yeah, we got a little, we got a little bit We know that you guys try to annex us Dude, that was a joke Relax I want to say we repelled you I'm the only Israeli in your Canadian I'm the only blue blood here You're blue blooded?

I don't know a blue blooded Alien, you are controlled by a scorpion Burn him Tail attack No one could have seen that We should do a video podcast, a tail attack A classic tail attack which does 40 plus 3 damage

Oh no, he's getting nerdy Well, let's see, Jake has a strength of 12 which is higher than average That's not bad He's got a fit advantage I'm playing a lot of Gerps generic universal role-playing system I am currently game mastering a campaign

where my friends are cavemen and they've got to go on an epic quest to save their village because the seer stone was stolen Oh, this is real! And yet none of it is You do it during the day? We try and do it every Sunday

But you know, people go out of town Once a week, it's not insane You're not doing it like 12 hours a day inside This is your poker game Yeah, it's my poker game That's cool And all the haters can go

suck a egg Suck a egg Suck a egg, Hater You are an elephant Hater Hater Bill Hater What was that?

Oh, didn't you want to do a podcast once? That was this game? I did, I did People couldn't make it happen but maybe one day it'll happen I'd love to do, yeah kind of what Posein does with his Dungeons and Dragons

except taking it a little bit more seriously, guys Yeah, because a lot of it is like they're just having fun but this is something about fun Do you hear this? Do you hear this? Your fake nerd voice You're calling Thomas a nerd right now

This is a guy who says fucking four eyes Who do you think is more nerdy? Me or Thomas? You guys are both like quiet nerds because you're like You're like an attractive hipster guy with your backwards hat and your thermos and you are like

secretly getting really buff Yeah, I'm getting cut Got a cool mustache, good haircut I don't know Well, you're because this goes on what we were talking about earlier You're like a counting

money management nerd I'm a Jewish nerd You're a Jewish nerd and I'm like a shy kid fantasy nerd Yeah, I think your nerd dump goes deeper than mine It does go deeper

and into classic nerdy stuff But numbers and actually, maybe Thomas is nerdy because your nerdiness is numbers related like numbers and math and stats really excite you That carries over into sports

So you can see the stuff I wear shorts Give me two numbers so I want to multiply them in my head But being a sports nerd as much as you are is a little bit cool because it's sort of masculine I like sports

I like hockey so fuck It's pretty masculine The only fantasy I'm involved in is fantasy football Well, I play a lot of soccer video games I play FIFA 14 like a madman

and I go to renfers in garb So I think I'm edging you out I'm edging, I'm edging, I'm edging Alright, give us a female name so we can answer the female Trisha Smear Named after It's so pretty to begin with

Oh, Trisha And what's your last name, Trisha? Smear I'm sorry, what? Smear I'm your substitute teacher Miss Smear Alright, Miss Smear writes

I'm a college freshman who recently started classes My mom was kind enough to get me an iPad for a high school graduation When asked if I wanted a mini or a regular I asked for a regular Although she suggested I get a mini

I'm regretting it It's bulky and heavy with a case My college is checking mini iPads out to us for the semester and selling them to us at a greatly reduced price in December and I'm considering selling my iPad and getting one of those

It would be more convenient but I am afraid of hurting my mom's feelings I really appreciate that she got it for me but I'm kind of embarrassed because she was insistent on getting me a mini and I refused Should I sell mine? and just avoid showing her

or would this be rude and disrespectful? Thanks to your time, Trisha Smear What an aptly nerdy question following what the heck we were just talking about The smallest problem you can have I want to meet Trisha Smear and be like, you have the best life ever This is what you stress out about

Oh, white people problems, man Yeah Maybe she's black, I don't know They sell iPads to everybody, I guess Yeah, there's no racial divide between iPads and... But it is like that so... That's great

No, she has a problem She took the time to write the email We have to give her sound advice That's fair, let's go ahead and look at it I think, actually, you could spin this to be like Mom, you were right And now she's sort of sitting My first lesson in college is that I got to start listening

to you, mom My mommy, yeah, exactly I told you so, but that's the bullet you have to bite in order to maybe get to You fake sell your other one Yeah, baby, and you say, mommy, I lost my iPad Can you give me money for a greatly reduced iPad mini? You were right, I was wrong

If I were you Why did you say the name of the podcast? I'm just plugging it for her, mom For all the listeners, they got to know You're a listening team Yeah, that was a station identification You were right You could spin it like that

Or just like, fucking chill, man I have an iPad regular and it's like In no way too bulky I don't know what you're talking about Yeah, they're not that much bigger It's just so bulky Yeah, that's the problem with Apple The iPad is the sleekest, smallest, nicest piece of machinery ever

But now there's a mini And now yours is big, and it's bulky And it's thick Isn't that like the weird... But that's just like that weird language Because they could also be like And the screen is huge And it's fast

And it's got a lot of storage And you're like, oh shit, I want the biggest iPad Yes, you're touching on it perfectly This is all... We all get manipulated by advertising This is all it is, man You don't need it No, fuck that

What are you using it for? Going to class, typing notes I'd love to see you like, whip out the mini And type two hours worth of notes on that fucking thing Your hands, your ankles I'll type with my feet Your arm ankles Yeah, your arm ankles will be...

You're just her broken Broken Just like a big stump Sneer Sneer Sneering it all over the place And let's be honest, there are no Samsung So you're not doing those swipe typing

Come on guys It's getting into it It's always going to be smaller It's always going to be bigger But the point is that your mother's alive And she bought you one And that's really nice Yeah, it's good

And to be honest, you don't need it No And you've got a perfectly functioning next gen Regular, fat, clunky, ugly iPad Which you probably have a case for You know that mommy bought a case Let's go with a little notebook Just an old school composition book

That's good for notes I have one of those I have like a Lenovo mega laptop It's very bulky But you're talking about You write it down I'm talking about like legit pen and paper Ooh, I love it

Old school It's classic It's so vintage Retro, throwback Etsy Very Etsy Yeah, I mean that would be the jam If you show up to class

Everyone's got their little note Their iPads and stuff And you pull out this like Italian leather Like hands-bound Etsy notebook You blow dust off of it Like it's an ancient book of spells Exactly, it looks like it's You get some of the cremuses of other people's iPads

Short circuiting everything It's got a monogram of like Giuseppe Bonavoni Italian explorer And it's his line of like notebooks Oh, that's just It's not his notebook It's not a used notebook No, he used to do a lot of adventures

Giuseppe Bonavoni And in his post-adventure life He makes really nice notebooks He makes bank-and-buys iPads Yeah, yeah And he's got like a He's got an online store Giuseppe

Etsy.com So just take out your big bulky iPad And go Etsy.com And buy yourself Did you guys take notes handwritten in college? Of course we didn't have iPads then No, but did you have laptops? Did you have laptops?

They had laptops Maybe, some people did Not for me I think probably laptops were like Kind of like maybe not permitted in class Even if you did have them Yeah I imagine that's a very big

Distraction thing now You have your iPad Or your computer with the internet on it And you're trying to like pay attention To like an economics lesson I think I had like one class Where we had Where we brought computers

And it was like I feel like typing class Was 2004 like the early day of Wi-Fi? Yes, it was like I remember that once One of the classes had wireless internet I'm like, wait, what do you mean wireless? Yeah, that was the first time I used it

Like what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah There's doesn't need a no-wire? So how does it get in? How is it here? No But it was also good Because when 2004

Facebook hadn't come to my college yet So I didn't really have a lot I guess I had porn But I wouldn't You're watching porn on a laptop in class The two things I did with that computer Was download scrubs and watch porn That was all I did

I would imagine for the good kids Come there to learn a laptop Or an iPad would be very good But for the baddies Ugh Yeah Tyler, get off your iPad So I don't know

What's our final advice for Trish? I think I'm with you I think she could like sell this Definitely spin it as a You were right mom Yeah If you're really obsessed with this fucking mini Yeah, you could spin it

Also, if you got a good deal Give her some of the money back Then you Then it's a nice gift to your mom Like, hey mom, you were right And we actually There's this great deal at school I was thinking of selling the bigger iPad

Getting this one for cheap And giving you the extra dough If your mom is I mean, if your mom's a reasonable person Like, as if As any woman is Any mother Yeah, you could maybe sort of

Talk to her like that Just how we did Two rational men Yeah, talking to each other Alright, so we're all in favor Of selling your iPad Getting the mini I don't know

I am actually not I love my iPad regular And I don't know what you'd want It's a little too big Why would you want a mini? It's a little too big It's not Just wave to her

Post me on her name And deliver two boxes for you We got two boxes at the door Should I go grab them? Let's see what they are Yeah, sure, why not? We just hear a huge explosion See them where they are

On the podcast Yeah Sass it all over my face It's the Bjork Stalker We should do a separate iPad Or separate podcast Where we just talk Until the mail comes

And then we go through the mail It's called Waiting for the Mail With Tommy and Amir Oh, well I'll be damned It's a mail box There's George and Amir They're both for colleagues Oh, open them

That's our neighbor We can open them Open them Ooh, a dildo I love this It's a little big and bulky She should get the dildo mini Alright

Question number... Question number Deuce? Deucees We need another female's name Maureen Pavlanovich Wow, this girl's hot I don't really... She has a goddamn smoke show

Right up Amir's head Pavlanovich? Eastern European dude? Give me some mo Give me some mo at my mouth Hey guys My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months He's the first nice guy I've ever dated

We met in college I graduated in May And my boyfriend still has two years Everything was going great Until I noticed he was covering Slash tilting his phone When he was on it I got suspicious

So I broke relationship advice Don't snoop He left his phone at my house one night And his phone kept getting texts I couldn't resist So I looked The text was from a girl And the past messages from a month ago

Had provocative conversations With him being the initiator I confronted him about the messages He begged me not to leave him He said he'll never do it again And he realizes how important I am to him Do you think I should give him a second chance? If so, how can I trust him again?

Let's all answer with a yes or no on three Ready? Should I give him a second chance? Yes or no? One, two, three, no! Are you serious? Why, dude? It's because you haven't been down this road

Just texts Just texts? That's it You know what? I'll say that she didn't break relationship Rule number one Don't snoop Relationship rule number one is don't cheat

He broke it You think he cheated by texting a girl? I think he had an emotional affair I also like who knows Who knows Like if it leads to anything more than that Who knows? Yeah, I guess she doesn't know

I mean, look It is, it is, you know I suppose you could argue I don't know the extent You don't know the extent Maybe it was like hundreds of messages And it was really intense and stuff like that Then that's something

If it was like Yeah, I would have I'm in a relationship You know, you're very great Maybe in another life That's not that bad You don't know the extent But I gotta be honest

If he's gone down the road But now he's so bad and he's so scared Find another dude, honestly It had been like a It was prolonged behavior It wasn't just like a one conversation Like, oh man, I shouldn't be doing this Like we're done

It was like He multiple times initiated A steamy conversation with someone Who was then texting Like many times throughout the night When he left his phone Wow, she was there too Because he's shielding

That's my cold dog Shading is cold, man That's the sneak that don't look You'd never want to be doing that As soon as that happens She's got to remind herself That that dude's still in college Oh, that's another thing

She's two years older than him He's still in college and she's not Yeah, or maybe he's a late bloomer In college late But either way, he's in college For a couple more years and she's not She should be focused on getting herself a job And herself a career that she liked

That's right You know you got to You know, come on Come on, yo Boy, if it could suck an egg, man Well, yeah, I'm proud He's just got a brand new spanking degree, man She's got the world

He's the first nice guy ever dated He only cheated on me Yeah, imagine what the mean guys did to her Watch out for the nice guys We're tricky We're lying, we're all scorpions We're a little tricky We all go through phases

You know, we're all young at one point Can you be a nice guy and still do this? Or does that mean he's not a nice guy? Yes You could still be a nice guy And be a rotten bastard But does that mean you're a nice guy? Yeah

Or you're just better at disguising it You just like don't know how to like Confront your feelings on women And maybe you want to still be a nice guy But also want to be a bad boy You're conflicting These guys have evil tendencies I mean, he could donate to charity

And then send illicit text to a stranger Or something I think if he's a nice guy And this is the worst he's ever done And he feels so bad, slash When you feel bad You just mean you're scared straight, basically He's basically too afraid to do it again now

But that's not the relationship you want to be in anyway Yeah, also it's going to matter How she's going to conduct herself moving forward Like are you going to be able to trust him? If he says I won't do it again It won't happen again Are you going to be like, okay And live your life and be calm and present

Or is she going to be like always like What's his phone say now? Yeah, like his phone's just buzzed What's he typing right now? This stress is now forever going to be part of it And to be honest, this is dark But like when you've been taken back There's part of you that feels like

Oh, I can probably get away with this again Oh, like you can get off to the back Or you feel like this person's weak And like, because if that had happened to me I'd have been like, fuck you, get out of here From a text message conversation? Depends, I don't know the actual texts But yeah, if I caught my sweet, sweet tender love

Girlfriend And I saw like a steamy text I'd be like, yo man, it'll be bad news You gotta go Maybe, I don't know That's what I'm saying, one night of steamy texts Maybe, I don't know, who knows like All I'm saying is if it happened multiple times

Several different initiated text conversations With this girl But with one girl Yes, fuck that of course I changed my opinion to be adamantly Fuck that, don't give him a second chance Multiple times Shielding his phone, texting some other girl

Maybe that's how he gets off Yeah, great, that's how he gets off He should be in an open relationship I'll never be with a girl, Saul, just text It's sort of like a sex chat There's plenty of people like that And more power to them I'm not saying you should be condemned for having a thing

I'm just saying you should maybe be honest when you're doing it Yeah, he hid it from her knowing it would hurt her And then still did it but decided to hide it And then couldn't hide it anymore but now it's hurt her He was a dummy for sure He was hiding, still is a piece of shit Nothing's changed, he's a nice guy He doesn't need to be persecuted

Again, we're all, we all go through the phases Have you done this? Yes You've done the text while in a relationship Uh-huh, and it's bad news And you get out of it and you're like, wow, I hurt someone I really, I learned a valuable lesson He needs to learn his lesson

When that's happened to you, did you feel like you deserved a second chance? I begged and pleaded and sometimes I got it And guess what, I was like, oh this person's weak I don't, I don't, don't give him a second chance No second chance is ever It's like being grounded When I was little I would get grounded all the time But it never really stuck

So I never really learned consequences Yeah To my, to my actions Yeah So what should your parents have done, break up with you? If they had kept me grounded I'd be, I'd be different So thanks mom and dad, I love me

You put me on a leash so loose I could do whatever the fuck I wanted You told me there was an electric fence But there wasn't, that ran into the woods Is it still considered a leash if it's the diameter of the entire fucking earth? You might as well not be wearing anything at this point Well I'd say to the lady, don't worry there's gonna be other dudes And there are nice, other nice guys

And to the guy, hey you messed up, one day you'll learn your lesson And one day hopefully you'll be like Jake and I Who are reformed baddies and now are hell bent on being goodies Yeah, okay, alright so Well said So you got two, two hell no's And one, maybe so And I think that's okay

It's your soft amir The weirdest thing is that like this guy did something that you would never do Give him another chance And this guy did something that me and Tom would have done And we're like fuck him But that's because we know in those situations We didn't deserve another chance No

And you've never been in that situation That's the thing with life If you end up being a scoundrel and a baddie You've chosen, you chose to shoot the guy Now you gotta go to jail Yeah Sorry Yeah

That's what you get That's what happens I agree and this isn't like choosing, this isn't like a heat of the moment Crime of passion Like this guy just said something awful and now I shoot him It's like a well planned Yeah Like nightly ritual of texting someone

Obviously he's conflicted, he's pulled multiple different ways You know, that's not his fault But his fault is him not sort of stepping up to the plate And being doing the right thing Doing the right thing starting Meg Ryan, Kim Basonier And Tom Barringer Where is he?

He should be in my movie He was an inception What was he an inception? Tom Barringer God, I like I can't keep up with your brain After McCoy's, you see that shit? He was the best part

Barringer Who's Barringer? Barringer, he's in one of the families But he's just sort of strong, silent Sort of like, oh man, we gotta go get him If you wanna get him Like spit now Was he the one that was like, don't...

We'll talk We'll talk We'll talk, we'll gab Should we go to the third question? Was there a break? Should we talk? After the third question Yeah, let's do one more question

Then break it up Break it up Break it up Break it up Whoa, is this another... Oh no, we got it guys We got a dude We got a dude

We got a dude, dude Give me a doo doo name Oh, doo doo name Shit Xavier inch practice Inch practice? Inch practice So is that one word or is it like

It's the last name, inch practice Like a stout British name, compound name Xavier inch practice Right Actually, do you wanna read it in a British accent? I'd love to Did you see that animation? You did the South Park animation of you

Reading that question That was great Isn't that amazing? What a treasure What cool fans That's really cool That's nice Dear sirs

I'm a 21 year old guy in college With an unusual problem I like the punctuation already I have never had a girlfriend Or even been on a date I had my first kiss Now I understand why Poor guy

Okay, I know a dude like this Okay, I don't know I don't think I'm unattractive It's just that I'm a coward With no guts to ask a girl out And I also don't meet very many girls in my social life As I'm a huge nerd Bre John

As such, I have two questions One, how can I man up and gain the balls To ask girls out Even though I have no experience And two, how do I deal with girls Who will think it's weird that I'm 21 And have never even been on a date Two A's

So maybe just a brief spell check before you send it in Can you help me with this conundrum Or should I resign myself to a life of loneliness And drowning my sorrows in Mike's heart lemonade Sincerely, Xavier, in practice First man, get in the beer Oh my god Take a girl out for a Mike's heart lemonade

Aww Did you have a girlfriend by age 21? No I lost my virginity when I was 19 And then scrambled to play catch-up So that's why I was a bastard I was like, I've done it all wrong I'll use women from now on

A girlfriend, a real girlfriend at 21? No, I mean I had a couple like, pseudo's Right, so 21 is not terribly late There's still time to turn things around Yeah, I wouldn't beat yourself I think there's I think you'd be surprised about how many people are in your position I think society and sort of

Like, I don't know, culture puts a lot of emphasis on like Early sex, early experiences, living hard, die young But I don't think many I think you'd be surprised about how many people don't do that Yeah So what can he do? How can you ask a girl out And how can you gain the balls

And how can you do that? What about online? Isn't that an easy way to do it? Then you don't have to actually physically talk about it Tender, tender, tender, tender, yeah But if you do stuff like that, if you do online Cause online is a great resource It's linking people who normally don't go out to bars for example

I'm not a bar guy I never met any girls from bars I met girls after comedy shows or like online Right You just gotta be realistic with your tender When you tender Don't swipe like Barbies and hot girls You know you're never gonna have anything in common with

Oh, you gotta match the girls that would like you Yeah, if you're a nerd and like Gerps Like myself Swipe right the Gerps Swipe up the nerdy artsy girls Who look like they might like Gerps Or at least be open to liking Gerps

If they don't know about it That's a good tip You know what I'm saying? Like that's online only Cause I see a lot of people that do They're like, yes, all that girls So I'm like, buddy They're just matching the spots

Never gonna happen Yeah, exactly Dude, I'm matching four chicks And they all got cam shows tonight How's your Sunday looking? Loser I'm alt-tabbing all night Multi-tabbing

Mike's hard Jurgant Drinking one Using the other I'm not gonna say which But I am butt-jugging Jurgant Yeah, I chose that question I think Cause you also

You blossomed very late You're like, you're peaking right now at 31 Yeah So At 21 I was also a nerdy dude But we didn't even have Online dating back then, right? Wasn't there?

We didn't get girls in like weird Like AOL chat rooms and stuff But I don't think there was anything That was real There's definitely no like Yeah, there's nothing like there Meeting girls online for me Came when MySpace sort of was big

Oh So you were doing it even in like 06 Yeah, I was like, I don't know 23, 24, 25 You can meet people on MySpace It's not just friends Dude, MySpace was rad Now it's all bands

But like you could go like I'm searching for female, single Within this age range Within this height range Within this weight range Whatever they put into their profile You could sort of like That's pretty awesome

It was a It was a party palace MySpace MySpace used to be the place It's kind of a bummer No, it's not anymore I'm completely devoutly in love But still whatever

But my god I'd love to search all these people In this zip code age range, height range Weight range I asked it myself as an absolute maniac As a total psychopath 5'7", 131 pounds Scar above her right knee

Oh, there she is MySpace has categorized life And I can see in a database Everybody that I want Yeah I would say to this dude A, don't worry about it Like you fretting about it

Is kind of like bad That's what I was going to say too He has a self-defeatist attitude right now Yeah, he's afraid I don't think he needs to bring up To any girl that he goes out with That it's his first date Or that he's never had a girlfriend

Yeah Just like go out And you're a guy And you have hobbies and interests And that's good enough And you don't have to be like Nobody cares I don't think I've ever gone on a date

And been like So who else have you dated? Have you dated any other people? I would actually rather not know That can be a fact That you share later on Like if you guys hit it off Like be like

Actually, you know Whatever That's when you're comfortable And you're talking, you're chatting Yeah But the thing is Once you hit it off And you're like

Actually, you really like cute smile And they never had a girlfriend They're like, oh my god I want to be your first girlfriend Or like work for you I've never had a boyfriend And they can be part of Like a quirky, cute romantic comedy

Where it's like two shy people Meet each other Under the veil of night Never being That's true Never being out in the day There are shy, nerdy girls too We've never had boyfriends

I was just gonna say We're current We are fortunate enough to live in In an age where you can find What you like and what will like you That's the big thing I learned Actually out of getting out Of high school

Of that microcosm world Where you're forced to be with this Like, well for me A small town crew That is like, they're the same Yeah And even out of college Is like, you can find your people

If you don't even like the idea Of going online You go to whatever Like here in Los Angeles You're gonna melt down comics And like, meet your girls Who are into comic books And comedy shows

Stuff like that Or you go to wherever That you think like-minded people Will go to Or you find them on the internet You can find your tribe And then you'll see All that like crazy anxiety

Goes away Cause right now he's probably Looking at like Vanessa Smear Trisha's sister Super hot sister When she- The smallest iPad of all Yeah, she's got the super smallest iPad

It's an iPad Nano And she's like a sorority girl Or whatever I don't know man I'm probably judging unfairly But like he's maybe looking at Just the wrong type of me Like I'll never get that

I wanna be like I wanna be like Jake Hurwitz I can't You're not Jake Hurwitz I'm not Jake Hurwitz No one can be him He's a guy I'm not even Jake Hurwitz

Jake looks at himself in the mirror And goes, who are you? No one knows I wanna be you And then he reaches towards the mirror And he's disappointed every time That his fingers reach the glass Yeah

And then he goes through And then he's in Narnia And then Mr. Tumnus is like Would you like some porridge? Dear old Tumnus Tumnus Tumnus I mean he sees strangers into his land

And that little Seder Welcomes them into his home Seder Yeah, it's a Seder S-A-T-Y-R Oh I see I thought it was a Seder Like a Passover Seder

No dude Yeah Man, wait a fucking Jew it up man Jesus Christ Can we have one conversation? He's Jewed up everything I do You're talking to two wasps Yeah man

You guys are flying So online And don't tell anybody Well not don't tell anybody Like it's a secret But just like that doesn't Yeah, it doesn't have to That's not who you are

It's not like That doesn't have to define you Right Yeah, yeah Some of many other experiences I was talking about like Sort of like life after college Life after school

There is that ability To find your people in college especially You can find it I'm sure there's a million social activities That aren't like froth and stuff Like you can go watch obscure movies Here are nerdy things to do Watch the cool obscure movies

Rent movies from a library Would be a nerdy thing to do If you were to rent a VHS Or a DVD from a library Yeah, Magic the Gathering Clubs Probably those are a bunch of other dudes But I don't know There are things

There are people You know what? You know what's strange? And I did this when I was in Los Angeles Before all this Before Zola Valley Before all this shit And I had no friends

I went on meetup.com Wow It's like I'm plugging this thing But like there are Other social sites like this Where it's not about like dating It's like events

And you sign up to be part of the group That tells you about events And you can kind of do like Groups that have like a certain wheelhouse Like there's like You know nerdy cool stuff That you can So what was the meetup that you went on?

I went on there to find a Pick up soccer game group Oh that's pretty cool Which is like super cool And like a total job But because I wanted to play I just wanted to play soccer But there was like

Cool nerdy stuff to do There's all kinds of shit And you can just get on these little groups And get told about it In your area meetup.com It's convenient, it's easy It's free, it's meetup.com

I just got paid $200,000 Oh my god Come fuck yourselves So that means we only have to oil you 50 Oh is that not how it works? Cool That's it

Now it's break time This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself In a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself Out of that difficult place

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Check him out Thanks, BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace For sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way for dummies like me

And potentially you That don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio For yourself or a loved one Or you wanna sell stuff online You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support

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And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you wanna give somebody a gift This season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that

Is to go to Squarespace.com Slash if I were you For a free trial And when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code IfIWereYou To save 10% off your first purchase Of a website or domain Again, Squarespace.com

Slash if I were you Free trial Everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code IfIWereYou To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright, Silicon Valley

Has your life significantly changed Since the show came out Or is it more or less the same? It is a bit of both One, it's the same in that Nothing I do day to day Changes really I still do all the stuff

For a while I was very, very busy Now it's chilled out And I'm waiting for season two to kick off The main thing that's changed Is that strangers will come up And say, hey, good job Which is great I love that

Sometimes it's like a lot And unexpected places Like some bar in the middle of Louisiana People are like, I made a lot of your show And I'm like, really? Why? You're watching HBO Just right after Game of Thrones? You?

But you know, it's been pretty cool So if there was a documentary made about your life 24 hours last year and then 24 hours this year Is it noticeably different? You would take today? No Because you did this podcast Well, I mean, almost

I'm still like, you know Spend a lot of my days Either playing video games Writing or doing whatever I mean Yeah, when is season two? Here's what's changed I'll go to fancy Hollywood parties

That they just send a bunch of e-vites out To get people to come So they want stars to be there? Stars of teenagers I've gotten like ten times more suits Oh, that's fun I have like a stylist now And they make me suit

And stuff like that That's cool I have a publicist Although I haven't used her They're just like someone there Just in case Just in case something goes really wrong Just in case you know me

I go in my math bandage Well, how does a stylist work? A stylist will say Okay, so for the Emmys I'm going to the Emmys Sunday Monday Oh, shit

That's the day this episode comes out Cool Watch the Emmys Watch the Emmys and come Listen to Jake and Amir Ifirium.com The stylist will be like Hey, I'll go meet her

She'll have a ton of suits From all these different companies Like whatever CK, Valentino They'll have a range of like Juju Juju La faconable

La faconable La cantonelle And la poupée Poupée's suits Yeah, they're just It's like you're not wearing anything It's like incredible A lot of it is

You're actually not wearing anything Yeah, it's just a tie You're just trying to find Like, you know, an agreeable style You know Do you have to pay for it? Um, typically So they're like

These one I believe for a couple of these events She's been hired through HBO, so HBO's Helping me out Oh, that's awesome Which is very kind So HBO wants you to look good

You're gonna be on a TV show Oh my God, be with HBO Because you're the best So like we'll pay for your suit Because we want you to look good Because you're a fucking schlub And otherwise you'll show up And sweat pay up

We don't show this to you I got a tie on Um, so that'll happen Occasionally we'll get like Free stuff Like magic The Gathering, for example Heard that I played magic

I played magic The Gathering, for example Heard that I played magic on set And then sent me a box full of magic cards Wow But you don't play magic I play it from time to time I'm very grateful

Thank you, Wizards of the Coast But, um, you know, things like that You get a couple free things here and there That you're like Oh, I wouldn't have gotten this When I was poor But now I can have a chunk of change Then there you go

Which is ridiculous And part of what I want to do And what about new professional opportunities? Are there more like auditions coming your way? Career-wise, it's been That has been a total game changer of the show Not that I'm like Going to be on Guardians of the Galaxy 2

Right It's just that like People that wouldn't even consider Holy shit Yeah, man I'm actually Chris Pratt bowed out Weird You just didn't want to do anymore

So sick I was like, it's such a successful movie He's like, I don't like it So I was like, I'll do it I could bulk up Um, things like that, like, you know I'm just at least in people's eyes A possibility to be cast in X-Roll

Or Y-Roll That's awesome So that's been cool When do you get offered parts versus audition? The only parts I've been offered are like Parts in movies Where people I've never heard of are involved Oh, so you still have to audition

Like $5,000 budget and stuff like that I still mostly have to audition But I don't mind that I kind of don't mind auditioning Really? I mind proving myself It's clutch I like clutch situations

Well, that's cool It's sort of like the closest you can get To like being an athlete as an actor Yeah, I'm draining trades Like a pressure situation The quarterback wants the football Give it to me I'm the exact opposite

You're the guy who's like Just tries to stay next to his defender on basketball I was like, no, I'm sort of covered Don't pass it to me As long as I'm, as long as I didn't Fuck anything up on behalf of you Yeah I want to be on the court

I want to be the Christian Leitner On the dream team We won I was on the team Didn't play But I didn't ruin things either Yeah, that's good I want to be the John Stockton

Six feet tall And white That is I'm so close That's just one inch taller than you are now But imagine Imagine, your imagination knows no bounds Imagine, one inch taller

A Stockton-esque six feet Get bigger shoes No, it's not that easy He's six feet tall, barefoot Doc Martins Oh, that could work All right So when does season two start?

We're going to start filming end of October Oh, shit, that's soon Yeah, and then we'll go to the end of January, I believe And then that's, I mean, that's it Then I have like the rest of the year Save for when it comes out And there's like press, but But that's an exciting schedule, right?

Three months of hard work And then nine months of chill-axing Well, I mean, hopefully if people would If Hollywood will let me The ringleader Mulholland Drive If you've seen the documentary, Mulholland Drive No

Hopefully I'll be able to like do other stuff In the other town, like this summer I've done a couple movies Oh, that's awesome Final Girls And The Bronze Check them out They'll be out next year

Todd's movie, Todd Streltsilson Exactly What a good guy Yeah He's a very tender man If you ever meet Todd Streltsilson You'll say he's tender No, he's like, he's wound tight

He's like a rubber band He could get on the podcast Yeah, yeah He would be great He'd be great for our empathetic suggestions In terms of what to do Oh, yeah Oh, for the guy who's having trouble

Meeting girls Start a watching party Inviting boys and girls Inviting not just you and a bunch of girls Inviting mixed gender Watching Party 4 The Quest What's that?

You've seen The Quest? No What are you gonna say for Silicon Valley? Oh, yeah Of course That's the... I mean, no brainer Come Springtime Game of Thrones

Silicon Valley, come on That's the one-two punch I mean, it's the one-two-three punch But for now, for the summer Like start up right now The Quest It's this reality TV show Where it's essentially

LARPing Like live-action role-playing They got all these actors In garb, in the castle The whole storyline But they've got contestants That are like trying to compete To be the true hero

It's incredible It's your favorite thing ever So they're like You've got to come and get the seventh Sunspear Otherwise, like, Gazoo will come And destroy us all And then, like, the regular people are like

Yo, man We gotta get the Sunspear So Gazoo don't kill it It's incredible Why are there regular people there, too? Because they're... It's a reality TV show Where they compete in challenges

And then get eliminated and stuff Oh, so it's like some people are into it And some people don't know anything There are a couple of people Who are like really buying the narrative And it's like, it's real to them It's Bonnie Ugh

What a treasure What channel is that? It's not on a channel It's on ABC Really? Yeah That's what I'm watching this summer This in Bachelor in Paradise

Which is such a fucking gang show What is that? Just like watching Another reality show It's the next Bachelor But it's like all the... All previous... Like, not previous Bachelors

But previous people were on this show It's like Bachelors are all stars They're in this like Trapped in this resort And they're like Loving one person next Like hating on it It's like

Oh, god Watching mania Emotional mania unfold in front of your eyes I mean clearly there's some Clever writing going on But on top of that You're just watching You're watching people come apart

Remember come apart? Yeah They're all having a come apart You can come apart Come apart It's like Two hours of coming Each episode is two hours

And I guarantee you Two hours every episode I promise you After each and every one You're like I wish there was another one It's so insane I'm actually going on a flight soon

To London The 11 hour flight And I'm like I'm looking for a show That'll just make time fly I'm here Everyone says Game of Thrones But you're saying Bachelor

Have you not watched Game of Thrones? No But it may be this Bachelor thing sounds better No, no, no, no Watch Game of Thrones Don't be an idiot Don't be an asshole

What I'm done with that Don't be a pooey asshole But when you're done With Game of Thrones I'm telling you What's it called? If you're going to trust you At anything

It's like Have I had to seen any Bachelors? No No, no I don't want to be behind It really doesn't matter No, no I don't want to miss the plot

You should really watch Bachelors Season 1 through 8 9 was missable But I'll give you the It's like the wires You'd only be like Oh, yeah Veronica, yeah

She was a basket case Since season 7 Or whatever Right But they kind of give it When they introduce them They give you a little recap It's

I'm plugging all kinds of stuff But Jesus Christ Meetup.com Yeah The Quest Bachelor on Paradise And of course Game of Thrones Don't be an idiot

And lastly Lastly, Silicon Valley Yeah, sure At the very end Peter Dinklin Oh, I thought that was I thought that was your daddy Or something like that

Like you were My dad's a short man Is he short? I don't know He's a Dinklin He's a short man Look at him Well, he has to fit on a shirt

So I figured they squished him down For that reason I didn't know that he was Actually that small Coming sacrilegious Should we answer one last question? Oh, yes, yes, please Even though

We're already long But it's having fun But it's having fun It's the most important thing People love it It's just mainly about having fun People love it Even after we're in court

We'll still answer these questions Oh, you know what? I forgot We have to take a quick little Commercial break To thank one last sponsor For sponsoring this episode And then when we come back

We'll do the last question Will you stay around for that? Keep in mind It won't pass any time In real time So I'll just Put a pause Edit in a commercial

So you don't have to do anything But sit down for another two seconds Me? Real quick Let's thank One of our personal favorites MeUndies.com Definitely

A new favorite But a very personal favorite It's rare that the company Will send us stuff And then you say You know what? I feel bad asking for more So I'll spend a hundred bucks

On more products Spend 80 bucks How to coupon code So, yeah So right from the horse's mouth That's right Don't embarrass yourself When you drop your drawers

It's time you knew About MeUndies.com Basically, it's comfortable Cool underwear A lot of underwear I used to wear Was just from the gap It was gray And it was baggy

And it was not good And it was ugly Actually, I'm wearing MeUndies right now Oh, let's take a quick, quick look A little gander Oh, those are cool It's basically stylish It's like a nice way

To upgrade your Your underwear game Which you can either do yourself Or you can buy Your friend a gift Yeah, that's true Your boyfriend, your girlfriend They have women's underwear as well

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You can change your underwear drawer More than once every seven years You know, that's how often On average, guys would Replace their underwear Foul That's not okay Foul

So, last time The promo code was MeUndies.com Slash Amir You felt slighted You felt betrayed You created such a No, not slighted, not betrayed

But just sort of Irked And Treasoned Yeah Of course And a little bit coy When all was said and done

So, you created So much of a stink That MeUndies Had its programmers Update their promo code URL Now you can go to MeUndies.com Slash Jake

Pretty good For this pretty good Not good enough for you You're like a little baby That got a little miss And you're not It's too little too late And you still have

A URL Of course So it's So for one For the first week It was MeUndies.com Slash Amir

And nothing And then for this second time around It's Still intact Still good And MeUndies.com Slash Jake You want to get rid of

My promo code I want at least One run Where you don't have one No, it's not What if people listen Just the older episode And they go to that URL

And it's not there anymore I don't care Of course you don't I want to glory Your trivial So what's the deal If you go to MeUndies.com

Slash Amir Or Slash Jake Before September 1st You can get 20% off your first order That's 20% A quick way to do The math on that

Use the decimal point Over 1 Then multiply by 2 So at a $100 order It's a $10 Times 2 $20 off You got that?

Yeah, I spent that An $80 order $8 times 2 $16 off So let's do Real quick $15 order 20% off

$15 order 20% Move the decimal point 1.5 It's $3 off That's right That's how fun it is Math is fun

That wasn't fun That was stressful I hated that Well, they guarantee You'll be happy with them Trust us Trust them TrustMeUndies.com

Once you go black They're black They're specifically their black Boxer briefs You'll never go back Back to the episode Back to Tommy And we're back

Wow What do you think of that ad? In terms of an ad Seamless, right? Me personally I'd give that a 10 out of 10 Would you guys always have

Such clever banter When you're doing the news ads? You like snacks? I like snacks You do listen to the show Of course I do You only listen to the ads I only listen to my episodes

But I try and skip out Any time you guys talk So I really only Wow, that's so hard My voice Nah, it's easy When you're this obsessed You'd be surprised

Alright Last question Well, real quick Next time we should do A video podcast with Tom Yeah, that's true That'd be really fun Would you be down?

Alright, great Last question Last question Do you want to read this one? You chose it I hope another creative person Does something creative with this podcast I was really honored

That that guy took all the time To animate it Isn't that cool That's on our site I really like this so much That I'm gonna animate this Did you see the South Park Book of Mormon? Some guy did Hello

The first song in Book of Mormon As a South Park animation So it's that same guy Oh, was that too? Oh, really? That guy did a Version of Thomas on our podcast An animated version

We have fans that are that talented And then also ones that Write a question like this Well, just as if you ever Want to do something creative Either drawing or animating Or whatever You just send it over to

Ifirouatgmail.com Ifirouashowatgmail.com Nice Or you can tweet it at us We found it on Twitter Oh, tweet it And we'll post it We'll promote it

It's gonna get the eyeballs Because people love to see it And so do we We put that one on Ifirouashow.com That's right That's the official web It was almost an all-girl episode

I need another name For a lady right now Oh, Misty Rivers Misty Rivers A porn star, probably Misty Rivers writes Dear Jake and Amir I love the podcast

And would really appreciate Some help with my sticky situation Ew, Misty's sticky I was over at my friend's house The other day And we were in her brother's room Looking for a movie I opened up a DVD case

That was shoved near the back Of the bookcase Was a pair of underwear And not just any underwear My underwear I know this because It was my size, brand And it was a distinct pattern

That I had lost I sleep over their house a lot So I can see how he would Get his hands on it But why? Here's the worst part There was a white streak Across them

And they smelled horrible What was this? I took the underwear And threw it away We were both freaked out So he left his room Why did he have my underwear? What was on it?

Seaman? Is that why it smelled bad? Help me, Misty Rivers This guy obviously Was gonna do A arts and crafts project Yeah So you get the underwear

Yeah He doesn't want to buy it So he took it from this girl He was gonna bedazzle it Yeah He was gonna do He got through the gloop part You know, the Elmer's gloop

Yeah So he did a streak of the stinky You know, the seaman gloop It was a birthday gift And you're being selfish and rude You know, it could be a little See, she's jumping to conclusions That it's his mess

She could have had a little Femm smudge on there Oh, shit I forgot about it Then it's been sitting in a Fucking DVD case But it's... Rotting

So she's, like, smelling her own Shnizz And being like, hey, this guy's gross Really, she's a stank pot Yeah, you gotta recognize Sometimes your shnizz Smells bad, too Yeah

And especially if it's been in a DVD case Just rotten away You sound like the brother Trying to justify it How do you know You didn't go Go with Michael

Holding the DVD case Over his direct penis Michael, the point is You stole my underwear Well, I was trying to I was gonna watch it I just forgot about it Put it in a DVD case

And give it back to you I was gonna mail it I can't mail it raw I'm gonna put it in a case I can't just write An address on underwear Send it off, willy nilly Think about it, you dumb bitch

Like, he's like Turning her a real dick All about it Use your mind Use it Oh, God, Jake's dying I just love him getting So defensive and angry

Oh, slams the door Fuck, fuck That's the best thing to do When someone accuses you Of something disgusting Is yell at them louder And we're just The fucking idiot

And the initial question is like Hey, um, so we found my Underwear in the DVD Fuck, God, Misty What the fuck are you even talking about? Oh, I don't know how it got there I don't know what it smells like Gross, you fucking idiot

God, a maniac smells an old underwear Holy shit, this next email's From this guy who said This girl came over And started sniffing around Underwear What's she doing? Why's she sw-

Why'd he snoopin' in his fridge? She left it on the fucking ground And just put it away In a DVD case Cause I didn't know where else to put it Look at me having it in my room Not a slob He said it was in a DVD case

Well Well? Like in the- Like you open up a case of a DVD And instead of a DVD It's dirty panties Yeah, so it scrumpled up panties Young kids, like teenagers

Do some weird shit to jerk off They're- It's weird Well, you know what Here's the thing It's like, for me I never- I never did panties stuff

But when I was a teen You hear it a lot Like you hear like Oh man, the thing to do Is grab panties Or something like that You know, it's like It's in the air

But it's like no one ever does it But he was like Oh cool, that's what you gotta do Like he actually wouldn't Did it What a risky maneuver What was he thinking would happen Like how do you-

When you sleep over You take off your underwear And then you just leave the next day Yeah, but she's like Oh, I forgot I lost my bra Whatever But- But-

You don't bring two sets of panties On a sleepover Maybe she does Cause she's fucking so nasty Down there leaving streaks She's- Hershey's dude She's gonna leave-

Not nasty But- Hershey's in a booze Swampy Yeah, she's a rainforest Swampy She can brew a beer Down there

Oh god Awful We're like totally attacking her Like one of us The kids look perfect You can brew a beer What a horrible Misogynistic response

I don't- Man, that is a bit of a sticky situation Literally Well, are you- Are you honestly gonna confront the kid And embarrass the poor boy Yeah He deserves it

No He stole your underwear And jizzed it It's innocent What are you fucking- Are you guys insane? Why do you want to shame him? He gives you something awful

It's not awful Stealing a girl's underwear And jizzing into it It's so passive It's so passive It's not like he's spied on her In the bathroom or something Then I'd be like murder him

But he- He was like- He's a quiet little boy He put- He put underwear You say I found out I say if you want to- If you want to confront him

Don't like shame him I just- It's like I found out But like, you know Maybe give him playful shit He'd love that, I'm sure Like if you kinda like Sorted him into it

Oh, I should give him another pair Of your underwear Why did you get- You made mine dirty Yeah Oh my God You awful man Oh, you should fucking blow him

What is that? Like, that's how porn starts Like, oh, what are you doing? You- My fucking underwear, you pervert? You probably love this Grapefruit him You seen that video?

No Oh, watch out Go online, Google How to grapefruit your man What is grapefruiting? Just watch it I can't even describe it Is it hot?

It's weird Just watch it I'm going to It's sour Everybody, all the listeners Go Google it It's bitter and it's sour Um, jeez

You know what, you guys Want it to be like the sandlot Where, like, he plays a prank That got him kissed And then, like, the next day The girl, like, gives him That little coy smile On the way to the pool

Yeah, then we end up getting married I think that could happen A sandlot response, honestly Would be so much better Than shaming that kid That, like, is going to bring So much more weirdness to him You know, I think it-

It matters how old he is If he's 13 Which it sounds like he is Hopefully will be That's- I think that's not worth Like, don't shame him Just, like, he's- That's so innocent

Reverse those numbers And he's a shi- Yeah And you're my age I bet if he's older than you Confront him, if he's under Than you don't confront him That's good

Ask him when his birthday is That's fair Hold it then you- What's your birthday? Okay, never mind I'm 40 What are you- See, it's so creepy

If it was her friend's dad Can you imagine that? See, that's what I'm saying That's, like, a Todd Salantz movie That's, like, happiness If it's bad at a certain age It's bad at every age That's not true

Yeah, it's like Oh, it'd be really bad if he- What are you fucking talking about? That's the- that murdered him It sounds concise But it's so wrong Oh, I murdered him But I was 13

That's okay But he was 40 That's one example Yeah, I stole her underwear And jerked off into it But I was 13 Oh, that's fine I was 20

Whoa, that's fucked up If he does it at 13 He'll do it at 20 No, look And maybe- What's wrong with jerking off the pants? I'm just saying it's not nice It's not good

It's not good But it's like It's so- It's passive, shameful He's a kid who likes masturbating Here's the thing If it bothers a girl And she doesn't want it to happen again

Yes, she can confront him But I would strongly urge him Not to, like, shame him and make it Like, do it- don't do it in front of his parents Yeah, don't do it in front of his parents To say, hey Or you can tell your friend Hey, man, this is weird

I tell my aunties Don't worry, I'm not- I'm not mad, I'm not gonna post it online Or whatever Just don't do it again Because it makes me feel strange Yeah, that's fine That's nice

That's fair That's how you really feel He's just gonna do it again He's like such a- He's not gonna do it again He's got the underwear He's just drunk top He's such a sweet boy

He's probably a little Amir Like, with his glasses Like, he just got done his math homework And he's looking at the DVD case And he's like, I don't know Well, I guess maybe one more And he does it You're weird about jerking off when you're young

Oh, but the guy that was texting a girl That guy's a serial cheater He doesn't deserve a second chance That he does it over and over and over again But this guy who jerks off into his sister's stolen friend's panties You know, it's a one-time thing It's cute

You're just saying it in a mocking voice But yes, that is my opinion No No I wonder You need to do an online poll on the website Oh, shit To see if Amir is in the right

Or Tom and Jake are in the right That's a good idea Yeah I would love to see what the populist thinks On both these issues Yeah, agreed I would say they would agree with you on the first issue And me on the second issue

I think we're gonna get agreed with both times Of course you do I think we're a little bit more- I think honestly I think we're a little bit more understanding We are Let's see if you have a $0 policy And then more understanding

I'm not saying For the cheater guy Like that he should be hung up I don't know what you're saying You say one's striking your out I'm just saying One's striking your out Well, yeah

But in this one it's kind of like a serious strike Cheating and stealing a pair of underwear Is different Very different Well, let's ask the public Especially when you're young And you kind of don't You kind of still figure it out

I remember when I first jacked off The very first time I stopped when I was about to come And I was like Oh, fuck What was that? I broke it I broke it

And I like got out of the shower Like, tried off And be like Well, that'll never happen again And it didn't And it didn't And I'm filled to the lid With semen

I remember when I did that Every time you cough A little bit comes out Oh, shit Oh, shit I'm just like When you fill up a cereal bowl All the way to the lid

So that the meniscus Is pouring over the bowl That's what you are Even as you walk around There's sometimes a semen It'll slosh a little bit Yeah, yeah I don't jog anymore

It'll just leak out Nose eyes Sometimes when I cut my toenails I'll like cut too far And a little bit We'll see back Oh, gross, man Wonderfully gross

Well, that's it Those are four good questions Fun, different answers I'm glad we disagreed Yeah, disagreeing Let's ask the internet Who's right Yeah, because morality is an abstract

You know, last time There was a record Last time we did Was it on Twitter? We asked if it was okay to Oh, metal Yeah And most people agree with me

What do you think about that? What's metal? If a girl's in a relationship Yeah Can you go after the girl? AKA meddling Without knowing any other information Than just simply that

Because there's a lot of circumstance Yeah, there could be Like if you could be in a bad relationship You could be looking for a way out Or whatever In a non-married relationship Honestly, I think it's okay There it is

There it is Finally, vindication I don't think I don't think It's bad form Yeah It's a bad thing to do But I've been in situations where it's like

This girl's looking to get melted Meddled Oh, melted Oh no, you've done a terrible thing Melted And so I chain her down in the open patio And put a magnifying glass on her I think that's what I said

Is that you can present yourself As a really solid option If that person wanted to leave That's meddling I don't think But it's not saying like It's flirting Come out with

No, you're saying like 100% Go after a girl in a relationship I don't think that I'm kind of thinking about it more Well, we actually are out of time No, thank you so much No, no, no, no As a younger man

I would have meddled and did meddle But now, like if I was single I found that out That's poor form Because you've got to put yourself In the other dudes' shoes I'm not saying if this girl's In an abusive relationship

You shouldn't be like Hey, you should not be with that guy And I don't mean like Actual physical abuse Because that's okay to meddle But if a girl's in a solid relationship And you're like I just think this girl's pretty

I'm gonna just poke around At this Oh, that's bad But that's one extreme Another extreme is This girl's with a guy Who's obviously not great And I'm so much better

And we get along very well Should I just leave her alone Until she breaks up with her boyfriend Or should I just continue Hanging out with her Hoping to go out Even in the bad relationship Even in the bad relationships

When I found out That the girl's like Immediately with someone And that, you know, it's like She was essentially being meddled With while he was I'm like so mad And even though I was

Like a dick hole Or something like It is bad form It's not gentlemanly behavior I'll tell you that Poor form for sure And I'm saying So if you want to be a gentleman

Which is my new Was my reformation It's a hard note I'm sorry, I rescind my answer That was insane What a complete turnaround No, baby Well, I think it's because

It's a question that you sort of like As soon as you get more information It's easy to change your mind Yeah, yeah I mean, there could be like If she's in a great relationship And you're a bad guy It's not worth it

But if she's in a terrible relationship And you're a great guy And you guys get along Are you even a great guy As soon as you start to meddle Are you necessarily a great guy Well, you said a nice guy can cheat Yeah, but then he has a consequence

Of having the relationship ended Thank you What do you want me to say, guys? It's us versus you, dude You guys go off to lunch together The thing is, Amir Mankind We're all

So many different shades Of gray Of gray There's no black and white, man Yeah, yeah 50 shades of gray No, no, no So many different shades of gray

It's a different book It's my time, Weisman Thanks for coming back, Tom Thanks so much for having me What a joy It was fun to have you It was fun Do you want to plug anything more

Than you already have? Meetup.org So it's on value.com Well, I've plugged a couple of shows Websites Grapefruiting your boyfriend Yeah, how to grapefruit your man Middle Ditch on Twitter

Yeah, at Middle Ditch on Twitter At TomBeanieTOMBINI On Instagram On the Grams Yeah, I don't know Watch the Emmys See if you'll see me I don't think I'll be

They might glance past me You do look like Seth Meyers Who you wearing? Not nice, I don't think so, man I see everybody It's because we have a long Angla face Who am I wearing?

Oh, fuck What am I? I think it's actually like a Valentino suit I think it's like a fancy boy suit That's fucking dope That's fucking dope It's very slim fitted

I look kind of like a Jonas brother What's the look now, though? I don't want to look Sockless? No socks? It looks more British Than what they would ever Put on their silly bodies Well, so look out, look out for that

And if you guys have any questions Of your own that you want us to yell about If I were your show at gmail.com Or if you have any theme song submissions Or if you have any thumbnail submissions We've been using those When we upload them to Facebook That opening theme song was by Danny Cole

Without an E And this last one is by Sam We-Ah That's how he said to pronounce his name Sam We-Ah So thanks guys for listening Thanks Thomas again for coming by We should have you on one more time And that's it

Really? One more? Yeah, just for Okay I'll take it Deal, please I'm begging you We'll be back soon Later guys

Hey guys, it's Kristen and it's Marnie From the Ask Women podcast And make sure to check out our podcast For all the advice you need to give us And if you have any questions Feel free to ask us If you have any questions Feel free to ask us

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