If I Were You - 99: Violence (with Brian Murphy)

Episode Date: September 1, 2014

Brian "Murph" Murphy joins us to discuss hurting people emotionally and physically. Mostly physically.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, MeUndies.com, and HuluPlus.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

So you've come to a fork in the road, yeah, yeah And you're wondering which way you should go Well, if I were you, if I were you There's only one thing I know I would do Yo, do you muster right into If I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, show at gmail.com Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Bowles

I was gonna say Brian Murphy Oh, you wrote and you starred in your own theme song for your own episode That's a first That was actually Michael, Michael Buono Michael Buono Was Michael Buono Very good Brian Murphy on the show

Yeah, what's up guys? Finally, shit dude Not gonna enough for the big hundo though, right? The fucking 99 spot It's better you're like right at the crest of the mountain That's weird that you think it's better because it's not Who's in the hundo spot? Jeez

Is anyone on the media? I want to know who's more important I want to know who's more important I want to know who's more important I want to know who's more important I want to know who's more important You came out swinging I wanted to be on this to confront you guys

You're just the only reason I said it Why it took so long and it wasn't a milestone? I was like are they they're saving me for the hundo spot? No, we wanted you to get as close We wanted you in the top hundred The first hundred Right So with that

So I would just get washed away with like everyone else It's like hundred, that's a milestone 101, start of a new era Potentially, right? Yeah, now you're sort of We're burying you in the past Yeah This is the 99er

This is the old guard You're the Wayne Gretzky Yeah Which last time I checked was the greatest hockey player I agree I agree because I know nothing about hockey Mike Richter was good, right? Yeah, he was never

We're raking up He's also the greatest, right? We're recording this in a freezing ass office It's not too bad right now Are you guys cold? It's pretty cold We're not out We're out from under the vent now

So it's not so bad You thought it was really cold But you set up the microphones directly under the IC Yeah I figured We tucked ourselves away into the corner Where there's a little patch inside And the little thermometer thing

Only has two options It's a moon or a snowflake So I don't know which one's supposed to be warm Dark cold night Oh shit, it's so hot at night You know it's hot at night And it's cold and snowing during the day It's New York day during the day at winter

And then the night is just a cool Denver fall Those are the two options We just pressed a little arrow all the way up to 90 And nothing's happening It's a dummy box We can do blizzard or breezy night That's the best we can do for you That is the

It's such a bad design I can't believe somebody was paid to make that There are four buttons One, an up button, a down button, a sideways button And then the little moon slide at night button The moon slide, it's a snowflake button Yeah, they're like Alright, here it is

We've designed it Up arrow, down arrow, right arrow or moon flake I think I quit So take it or leave We'll take it We will take it Don't worry It won't actually turn off or on the vent

It's just sort of a dump It'll just always be cold It's a dummy box So Murph, have you ever heard this podcast? Oh, I've heard it, yeah Okay, so You basically get how it works, right? People email us

In need of advice And we sort of dispense it as best we can Sometimes it's just us And sometimes we have our friends That our fans demand we have on the show Right But then you like wait like You know

Yeah, we've Months and months But long enough And then finally we're just like Fuck, we don't want to have them on the new era Right Yeah We don't want to like

Or golden era Yeah We want to have them in the dark age Yeah You want them on Simpsons Season 1 Not like Simpsons Season 3 So, thanks for finally coming on Oh yeah, it's a pleasure

So I actually I've been on your guy's subreddit And I tried to post something And I got downvoted Like To hell For saying that I was myself

Because I guess people just I was just like They buried you I don't remember what it was You have to get your butt on that case I was like This is This is Murph

This is what happened Or whatever like Defending myself Or just Talking about some video And then Really Emily The actual Emily

Said this isn't Murph And then we got into an argument In the comments And they downloaded both of us Wait, who are What's your What's your screen name on it? I think it's

Brian underscore Murphy And nobody believed you And no one believed me And they just downloaded me That's so funny And then someone was like If this is the real Murph You need to go through the mods

And I was like One step too much effort The mods Of course You have to go through the mods We should have them We should have them verified Yeah

I don't know how to do it Let's get in touch with the mods Yeah I think someone should That's my name I think Brian underscore Murphy Some other Brian Murphy Just got there

Yeah This is Brian Murphy Just makes the name and Slanders my name Here If the mods The mods are The mods might be listening

So Let me make sure I'm pronouncing them The mods are always listening Fail spy Lava swimmer Take the ride X If you're out there Please verify

Brian underscore Murphy They can't take any more Freaking down votes man And what is Emily's I don't know Whatever one was arguing with me It's the only like

My only comment history Is trying to defend myself That it was me All right All right You want to get to get to some of these questions We need fake names To preserve these people's anonymities

So you can go with a theme Or make up any random name At the top of your head Let's go with igneous rock Oh What's that It's a type of rock So just igneous

I know two types of rock So I got two names I hope you don't go more than two questions I'm gonna go on a I'm gonna go on a freaking rant on this one I really think you could If you racked your brain Come on with lots of

It's like I don't know What You know I'm not gonna waste my rocks on you right now I need to save them All right Here we go

Hey guys I was suspended from school last year For beating the shit out of a kid Before you jump to conclusions I did it because He wouldn't stop making jokes About a good friend of mine And those jokes were about suicide

And said friend had committed suicide About three months before Jesus Now I got back It's so dark Now I got back to school this year And I found out the kid was still making jokes And then also started making fun of me

I'm writing this email Not Not to ask a question But to request permission Do you guys give me permission To kick the shit out of this kid again? Thanks so much Igneous rock

He was making fun of his friend Who was dead Yeah Oh jeez Louise That's pitch black Yeah I don't So do you give him permission

To kick the shit out of him? I think violence Well I don't really think violence is the answer here Yeah I think the the kid is clearly Trying to provoke Igneous He likes getting his ass kicked

I think he Yeah I He wants to get it I think he's just trying to make you mad Right Yeah I don't want to tell

How old is this kid I don't want to be like You have 14 year old kid Go beat the shit out of some other 14 year old kid But like part of me is like I know I know I was It's like

Well if it's If it's you Right If you If I were you If you were this guy What would you be doing? I don't know

I mean I was How do you ever beat this shit out of someone? Tiny when I was 14 I'd probably get the shit kicked out of me You were the one making jokes You were the one who was getting made fun of And then when you did something about it

You got this shit beat out of you Yeah this story is exactly the same Except I get suspended for getting my ass kicked And getting blood everywhere For being a pussy Yeah You got suspended for being a puss Have you ever gotten this shit beat out of you?

Yeah How? Why? Well I never I wasn't making fun of people for Their dead friends That's really fucked up But I was like I was a shit starter

So I had a lot of friends who were like on the football team And they were a lot stronger than me So I would Pick on them like as a joke Like to make them mad And then they would Destroy me What do you mean you hurt you?

Yeah well here's the thing Is that at a certain point I got a reputation That Like I wouldn't shut up Unless you Basically just punched me in the face How old were you?

I was like 15 or 16 I didn't actually didn't get punched in the face that many times Like maybe like two or three times That's a lot That's a good amount Yeah it's always my It was always my fault So I would

I would kind of Make my friends Angry to the point that they would physically attack me But then I would keep doing it Because it would be so funny To keep making fun of them While they were beating me up So this is your

Were you afraid of getting punched in the face? Well that's the thing That's when I finally stopped Is when I showed up to a party one time And I just loudly called out My friend Bill And he just ran outside and decked me What did you say to him that made him punch you?

Because I called him out I just like called him up What does it mean? I like challenged him to a fight on the front lawn Like as a joke You know the lawn And he just It was me and another friend

These are your friends? These are all my friends Bill to this day? I haven't talked to him I haven't talked to him in a while But we're still friends So your friends used to beat you up? Yeah

I was a shit starter But Oh But these were actually Are you waiting for me to have some like revelation That I didn't have any friends And just got my ass kicked all the time? Yeah they were my friends

I was a shit starter I was kind of a cool dude You know that I didn't have the station that I would just bully people until they punched me in the face Why was it? Everyone loved Murphy Old shit starter

He used to just run up to his teeth I was reading for a high five But everyone's just hitting you Oh Easy does it They call me the human pinata They would just wail on me They would wail on me always

So why were these people your actual friends? You would hang out with them? Yeah they were my friends I would hang out with them And then they would also punch you in the face? And then they would also Well they would only punch me in the face If they had like

Except that one time Where he just came out swinging And decked me right in the head Other than that It would be like They would kind of wrestle me at first Like they'd be like They'd be like

Dude stop And they'd like keep punching me And I wouldn't stop Because you had the punch And then it would escalate What was the most hurt you got ever? Probably just that one time Getting hit real hard in the face

That hurt a lot Like did you break a bone? No Did you hold from the body? Yeah It was Basically I had a group of friends That were like

Cool And then I had another group of friends That I hung out with more often And me and the other not cool friends Would mess with the cool friends This just sounds like I just got my ass kicked by the cool kids all the time Which I guess they did But I understand

I wasn't sort of in a similar boat Just like Almost like in both groups Right You were like Breaching the popular kids a little bit But like you still had your nerd friends And they were the core friends

The popular kids like to have you around for like So I was Comic relief Right So I was like Cool kid of my nerd friends And like The bitch of the cool kids

Right You know what I mean? Who would beat you up? The cool kids The very busy social kids The cool kids would beat me up Would you beat up the nerd friends? No

I beat up no one It's funny because as you described this story You're lifting up your hand And I just see bruises all over your arms Yeah You're bruised I am bruised Yeah

I started I started doing Fujitsu You're still fighting But yeah I'm still fighting But it's all I mostly train with people who are like Like purple and brown belts like

People who have been doing it for a while And I So I still get beat up So you're It looks like you're getting purple You're You are this kid's bully You like getting your ass kicked

Yeah You got some kind of pleasure out of it I just don't mind it It's just I just like You like pain A little bit You like wrestling

I just like wrestling around Yeah But you also like the WWE Yeah And like you just like I don't know Pain I just like physicality

And I love You guys know I love jacked dudes Yeah More than Jake probably Or would you say you guys have that in common? I'm more like I don't know I'm more interested in like

Cut dudes I think we're He likes some otter mode Not cool What's that? Otter mode is like Like girls like otter mode What's that?

It's like you know Runners and like Oh yeah yeah like just athletes Like it's like a skinny six pack Right A nice lean You're all like usable muscles Climber muscles

Yeah Usable muscle I'll tell you what usable muscle is Fucking strong men Moving Pulling, pulling trucks He's like a rope Like the big show

That's a body that's big No it's people who see like the cover of muscle and fitness And be like look at that monster And I'm like This is prime male form Just an absolute specimen Triple H with super wet greasy hair Shugging the water and spinning it out

Just always wet Just the absolute perfect man Triple H just gets out of a shower Drives off and he's just still soaking wet He's always just wet It's funny because in our web series You play that same guy Yeah

It's not that Except for the fact that like we're friends And I'm not actually violent Yeah It's more just The jokes come from a very real place Yeah It's true

Which is love Love being Jack loved hurting people So what would you tell this guy Green light to beat the shit out of this guy? I think it's not doing him any good I think he's dealing with a real Shit bag here Yeah

Maybe he can get him in trouble Tatl That's what I'm saying Tatling is the ultimate The ultimate beat down This kid obviously needs attention If he's like making suicide jokes And all that stuff

Like You don't want to give him any kind of attention Positive or negative Because that's what he's looking for Yeah that's true Ignoring him is probably a really good way to go That's exactly what he Then when he lets his guard down

This is what's going to happen If you ignore someone He's going to keep on needling and needling Because he'll know that like that blow up Is finally going to be so Like if I'm just sitting there like Stoic not saying anything He just keeps on needling

He knows how satisfying that is And I finally explode He'll go for that So just try to outlast him And if you can't Tatl Tatl I think there's a

A pride in tattling Yeah I think you can It's a quiet It's more of a shameful pride I know I think it's a loud pride I think you should straight up say to him like Alright

Keep on making those jokes I will tattle on you I'm not afraid of being a snitch I'll get you in trouble I'm going to tattle I'm going to record you making fun of me And I will tattle You think you're so fucking tough big boy

Well I'm going to tell the principle on you I'm going to record And I'm going to show it to everybody So everyone sees how heartless And mean you are And I'm going to tell the principle Not kids Kids will like you

But it's all only tell adults Who will yell at you And make you go to therapy or some shit I think he could maybe turn everyone Against this other kid Like just act super mature about it And if the kid makes fun of him Be like wow

I think that is incredibly offensive That you would joke about something like that Oh say that Say that as a child You should start almost like telling other people Like if he says something to you Just like turn to whoever is next to you Like hey did you hear that?

Like this guy just made fun of that dude And then like Just start telling everybody what he's doing Tattling Cause I think this guy is like quietly trying to Pressure you into getting upset But if you start like spreading this whole entire Like make it bigger than just him

Yeah You sort of want to ruin his life Yeah Make him be ridiculed Yeah I mean if this If Igneous

Was Suspended for beating this kid up The kid probably just wants him to get expelled So he's probably just trying to piss him off So we can get beat up again That's true Yeah Don't fight him

Don't fight him Igneous Tattle Tattle There you have it Alright Next question Oh wow

What's another type of rock? Metamorphic Rock Bitches These are all violence related Was that a coincidence? No Yeah you chose them

Hey guys Long time listener, first time writer I'm one of your day ones And it seems I'm in need of some advice So here's the problem I've been dating this girl for a month or two now And things are pretty good We were friends for a long time

Before we started dating And so I thought Things would be great when we finally got together The problem is she can be incredibly violent and aggressive She's super into play fighting But she always gets too rough Often slapping, punching And hitting me in the face

But as a guy there's nothing I can do back to her Or is there What should I do? I'm practically being abused by my girlfriend Thanks, metamorphic Okay I just want to point out Not only do I not get the hundo spot I get like

Domestic abuse and suicide And suicide questions Every other one's like I'm trying to give my boyfriend a blow job But I don't know how to do it This dude's getting beat to shit by his girlfriend And I gotta find a way to make it funny So far so good

So far so good I'm out man Can you hit back? No All you can do is restrain And then like that Ends up hurting her I think he said they've been dating for a month

Yeah Break up Break up so hard Right? That's the ultimate fight This is not Slap it in your face I dump you

Yeah exactly You're done That's what you can do Taddle Cause it's only gonna get worse right? Cause what month long problems Are you having that they're resorting to like violence? Maybe that's just like she likes physicality too

Don't you ever wrestle with your lady? Didn't Not in like He said she's getting She's getting rough to the point that he's reaching out to us And he's thinking of hitting her back So we're thinking We're dealing with two crazy people here

Can't do anything Right? Right I'm not asking All these For advice I'm asking for your permission Why do all these kids just want me Want us to tell them that they can beat this shit out of people

They all want green lights This should be another podcast we started Whether or not we give people green lights This actually coming out of this podcast part of me was like Oh what if we get like some kind of like sex question or something That's like That's a lot of responsibilities like Having to like give teenagers like advice on this stuff

I don't want anyone to ever do anything Because I say something And then people are just like Do you Can I can I beat the shit out of this person? Well that's nice cause it's pretty black and white Yeah Can I punch my girlfriend?

No No The answer Permission denied Permission always denied Yeah I I think you could lay some ground rules

I think you'd be like Yo I'm down to I'm down to fight Like this is fun Uh-huh Uh Don't hit me in the face

Right No scratching If I If I have like a scratch or a bruise that lasts a long time We're gonna We're gonna stop Right The other thing

Go limp Like if she's a bear I really think she's only resorting to the scratching and the punching Because he's like He's trying He's trying to fight back and she wants to win She's competitive So you should just go limp

Is this Does this remind you of anything from your own life? Has this ever happened to you to any extent? Um I used to I guess I Like wrestled with girlfriends Everybody like wrestles with a girl

Sure It's kind of fun and playful And you'd Everyone does it at least once I guess if it's If it's just like Playing around and she gets a little bit rough But the end of that email where it's like

Can I do something about it? Instantly made me picture just The worst Domestic abuse situation And I completely forgot about the play fighting It just like went out the window Right Did this happen to you?

The closest thing or what it reminded me of is like Uh Being With a girl who likes to like tickle me a lot And like I can't What do you do? I don't hate being tickled but like I

Giggle I laugh I can't breathe And like I can't do anything but like Shove someone to stop Who did that? I can't say I'll sleep

I'll sleep the name out in post I'll mouth it Really? Yeah I mean it's just playful Like oh you tickle tickle tickle I stop it I can't breathe I can't breathe

And then like I slap her up Yeah like I have to shove you You're forcing me to shove you Did you ever shove her and she was like You really shouldn't push me You shouldn't shove me like I think it probably got real once Where I like would grab her to stop

And it was like a tense moment Like oh I'm squeezing her wrist Right This is the weirdest episode You abuse someone I would never harm someone on purpose But I just it She made me giggle to the point where I couldn't breathe

I think I think If you want to win It's just submission holds You can't like I think You can't you can't put her in like any pain But you can like

Yeah you can't counter attack You can only block I think it's like similar to like When I used to wrestle my little brother Before he could kick my ass Yeah Like I wouldn't I never wanted to like put him out

I never wanted to like Punch him and lay him out And like Have him hurt But I would want to like I would usually just like Wrap his arms up and like Hold pin him down until he was

And I was like Are you gonna stop Are you gonna stop Are you gonna stop And then I could Then you could walk away Right

The whole like Stop hitting yourself thing Or like So I think you could pin her down I think you could pin her down Not let her move Nope And I think you could say

I win Here Admit I win Call it true Here's what I'm saying I'm If it's just the play fighting Stop play fighting

Because you guys don't know how to do it Yeah If it's more than just the play fighting Which The end of the email Would lead me to believe Breakup Uh-huh

It is It does seem like the play fighting Has gotten to his head That he's spending alone time Writing up the email Just like I don't I don't want to

Just Have a break We've been dating for a month Three weeks in that month Typing with his pinkies Typing with his pinkies Because his wrists are in a cast Ah

Oh Ow Could he just say like I Hey I don't want to do this anymore Just the play fighting Just the fighting

Maybe Maybe it's something she used to do With another boyfriend And she thinks it's cute Or maybe it's just something She's like Started to do with you And she thinks you like it

It might be that You could always just have one conversation It sounds like it's just to say Hey Why is this happening And I don't like it It sounds like it's just a bad situation Anytime anyone has a problem

And they've been dating for a month I'm just like Yeah Break up But like what if you What if he goes to break up with her And She hurts him

And well What if she's like She really likes him He says Hey I don't want to go out with you anymore She's like Why is it anything I did?

It's like No No I'm just I'm just not really feeling this And she feels awful And she would have changed She would have done

Playfighting differently Uh-huh Like I think you should always I'm reading it I guess I'm reading into this more She needs a performance review Just one performance review

Okay A warning A warning before you punch her Yeah Yeah Fair warning But don't actually punch her Don't ever do that

Yeah I think we can all agree that We shouldn't hit anybody Right Right No one has permission to beat anybody up Never If this next question is just like

My dad's been giving me lift He's a 90 pound weakling My grandfather's on life support He's making my dad's bank account go dry Why won't he just pass on? Do I have permission to punch my grandfather's heart? At what age do you think you could Have beaten up your dad?

If at all Um I don't know I think When did it? You still couldn't beat up your dad Your dad's in shape Yeah, my dad's fit

My dad's like My dad's in shape but I am like He doesn't do He doesn't do as many like pull-ups and push-ups as I do Right And I'm tall So when do you think what What age?

Sam Who has a more killer instinct? He's smarter than I am He tells me that all the time Uh, I think I probably could have beat him up Once I went Once I That was probably like four years ago

The first time I could beat him up Oh, so like even throughout college you could have I was pretty unhealthy I think he would have been able to I I feel like we talked about this on the podcast I beat him in an arm wrestle like two years ago For the first time

Oh, that's exciting That was big What about you? Um, Jerry's still out What's your dad like? My dad I just imagine like He's a retired cop

Oh, he's a retired cop Oh, really? Yeah, he's like a pretty He's a pretty big dude I imagine like Norm from Cheers Like George Wintes is your dad No, not Norm from You know what he's like?

He's like the dad from the Wonder Years Oh, wow He's the best way Does he have any He's a big guy Yeah, he's a pretty big guy Does he have like thick fingers? Yeah, he has thick hairy fingers

Big hairy knuckles He has pretty big sausage fingers Uh, what is his Does he have facial hair? Um, no, not really Cool But he's uh Yeah, I don't know

I'm in better shape than him I'm definitely stronger than him now But he is an intense dude And I need to like He just like won't lose He'll find a way to win Yeah, it's exactly Exactly

But how much did you weigh When you were at your peak like a year ago? Well, I like to think I'm at my peak now Well, your peak weight When I was your most When I was fat as hell Yeah Your body has changed so much

I know I am Would you say you went from like Wait, what did you say? At your lowest before that peak You're at what, 150? I was at like I weighed like probably a hundred and fifty five pounds

Then I ballooned up to a hundred and ninety pounds So you gained thirty six five pounds And how long? In like a In like two years Okay Yeah Um, but the last

The last like twenty pounds of that Was in like six months It was like not healthy Yeah, it was thick Yeah, it was thick And then from 190 Which was a year ago around? Last summer

No, 190 was October or November Of this Also, I guess that's been close to a year Yeah Yeah 190 And then in the last year

What are you down to now? Like 165 See You're over 155 To 190 To 165 Yeah Of course of like 30 months

You're Christian Bale It But with like a shitty body So it just like had I had like bigger arms And a huge gut And now I'm like I look

I work out like six days a week But my diet is so shitty That I look like a guy Who just you know Like lifts air conditioners for a living Like I look like kind of hearty But not really You know what I mean?

So what made you want to go from 190 Back to 165? That I looked gross I looked gross I had like a big gut And it was just diminishing returns So it was you know When you first start lifting and stuff

You get stronger just by lifting Just by doing some physical activity But then at a certain point You need to eat more So I started eating like Like a thousand more calories a day Than I needed And if I was eating like

Chicken and salad I would have gotten sliced Like I would have looked good But I wasn't I was eating like chicken parmesan Which is Yeah exactly

And then so I got like A little bit stronger But mostly just fat What video if people are curious Are you Is you at your fattest? Me at my fattest is Insulting the boss with a punk rock video

You'll see me It's me and Streeter Sitting across Looking not that different A desk from Sam And my gut looks really fucking big And that was that Was that an eye opener?

That was an eye opener That was Seeing myself on camera there Was not cool Was not nice I think I just thought everything Was gonna work out Like everything was just gonna settle

Like Like it was all just gonna come together And you still don't diet now? I do I do to a certain extent I probably eat like One bad meal a day Instead of like

Eating six meals a day And two of them are bad You know what I mean? Like I eat like a normal person Now I eat like three meals a day Right And then one of them is not quite healthy Yeah

But sometimes I eat Sometimes eat pretty healthy That's sort of what I am at It's like Oh I'll have a salad for lunch So now I can have pizza for dinner Exactly But I'll never have like a salad

And then another salad I have to reward myself Being a jacked dude Is a lifestyle It's not a hobby And I can't I can't abide by the lifestyle But I want it so bad

But you just don't want it So bad that you don't want I want pizza no more If someone was like If someone was like Murph Would you rather be Like on SNL

Or be so jacked I would I think I would choose so jacked You idiot You could have said both But you still just like Bad for you food Yeah

I just love it Yeah It's like is it worth it Is the pros of being jacked Worth the cons of not eating Sandwiches ever Yeah The answer is no to most people

That's why they're not jacked That's why No one's jacked Let's take a quick break right now To do a quick commercial And then we'll come back and do questions Three and four How's that sound?

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Thank you, Squarespace It's And we're back That was insane Alright Yeah People don't know But we take six weeks off

In between that commercial break I weigh 230 pounds What happened, dude? Everything changed I'm ballooned up, man Alright, let's try to answer some more questions Can I get another I believe guy's name?

I wanted to give like another type of volcanic rock But Well, this guy's name is Magma Dirt Magma Dirt writes I've come into a bit of a predicament Yesterday I got back from a week-long vacation Please don't beat the shit out of your friend

Please While I was away My brother was supposed to feed my hamster every day When I got home I found that my hamster had been starved to death In a fit of rage I attacked my brother No, no

And he ended up in a serious concussion What the fuck The issue here is My parents don't know about my hamster And I was keeping him in my room secretly Because They told me I was not allowed to have any pets Now my parents think

I attacked my brother for no reason And he's just going along with it They're even saying They're going to send me to therapy or some shit What do I do? Do I tell them the truth? My parents are extremely strict And I'd probably get into serious trouble

And lose my Xbox Help What would you get into more trouble for? Having a hamster Or beating the shit out of your brother for no reason It sounds like I don't know The hamster

The hamster No way He said he's going to lose his Xbox But like I don't think I don't think having a hamster is a good enough reason to beat Like If you are like

Homeboy killed his hamster I beat the shit out of What was this? This guy's name was Magma Dirt I beat this shit out of Lava Dirt Lava Dirt

Because he murdered my hamster That is just going to be like You weren't supposed to have a hamster It's not a good enough reason to beat the shit out of someone It might be like one of those things Where it's a tragedy Because the hamster died So maybe you won't get in trouble

Like did you ever like Yeah Like maybe if you like weren't supposed to like go out Or something that night But like you snuck out But then like You broke your arm It's like your parents

Aren't going to be mad at you They're going to just try to help you Oh they're going to be like Oh you idiot You got yourself into trouble again Exactly But it's like You learned your own lesson

If you have a hamster It'll die Your brother will kill it Parents really love honesty So even if you've done something wrong Like all they'll be thinking about Is like That you came clean

So they'll be really happy So you just sit them down and be like Look I know I wasn't supposed to But I had a hamster And they're like What? And

And lava Lava starved him to death And that's why I hit him I know I shouldn't have done it But I just wanted you to know I had a reason Right Also not Also not cool that he beat

He gave his brother a concussion By beating him That's bad right It's really bad yeah If you're upset Because your brother didn't care for a life You just didn't care for his life Do you understand?

And you're a human He's a human He's a human not a hamster The hamster I could step on 90 hamsters today And everything would be fine No I could kill

No I'm not gonna do it But like They're pretty inconsequential As an animal That's where our animals are concerned I think it's okay You still shouldn't starve

His brother's Everyone in this How much does he know that the brother starved it? What did he do? He came back with a This thing clearly starved to death Like I don't know It's a hamster

Sometimes they just die Did you just get it from a pet store? The hamsters are fat little dudes He was a skinny little dude It's like Murph He was 100 He was like 190 pounds He was a

He was a freak He was a welterweight He was a He was a fat swole Little hamster When he left him He came back He was a bitchly

165 pounds 160 He was a bitch little hamster You know it Lava You know what Garrett? He probably came back And he's like

How's my hamster? And he's like Oh shit Like can you imagine the Fucking deer and headlights Look That That brother game

Which is raised to Oh So full on race to the cage Oh yeah Oh it's fine It's fine It might be No

I'll get him some water I'll get him some water He's probably just been playing on the wheel I'm good guys Mother Mother Where am I? I like that the kids stuck to his story too

He's just like Yeah I beat the shit out of my brother for no reason I was mad at him And I beat him I beat him until he was hurt Until he was concussed You know your parents should send you to therapy

And then you can tell your therapist the truth And see what you should do You should absolutely tell your parents the truth And not that You shouldn't have beaten up Your brother What he did was not cool Yeah

What you did was not cool It's less cool I would say But I think give your parents some context Yeah Because at the very least they deserve that And then they can decide if your actions against your brother were Justified Well they're certainly not justified

But maybe the punishment will be different Maybe now they won't have to waste their money sending you to therapy Though You might need therapy Yeah Obviously you have rage This hamster Rage over that

Think about how bad of a life this hamster must have had Right? Like What was he kept? He was kept like under a bed or something in the dark Like in a closet Yeah The hamster wanted to die

The hamster did want to die Right? Like What does hamster do? That hamster wanted out Do you guys ever have a hamster? What do you feed a hamster? Like pellets

A little pellets Yeah They also run on a little wheel that makes a lot of noise So I don't know if he Disabled the wheel He definitely had a The hamster scratched into the wheel

Avenge me Avenge me magma Think of the stress of Like what? How much joy do you get out of a hamster That it's worth the stress So Like

Hiding a living thing Forever Like Bags of feed Just like Like hiding in his bag All it does is sit in the cage You go try to grab it

And it runs to the corner You'll hold it no pee on you And then And then you You just have to Empty its shit out This is you as a dad talking to a four-year-old boy As a kid, I loved pets

I would try to get as many My mom once let me and my sister buy two mice And we went into Petco And we were like We want a male and a female And my mom had told us to only get two male or two female But we got Male and female

They had a bunch of little Pink little mice They got terrible We starved each and every one of them We fed them to our other pets Like it was only exciting to buy the pets Then once that we had the mice They were just kept in the basement

Like by my dad's workshop No, I never even Saw them or fed them Oh, God So we're saying Do the Tell your parents the truth At the very least

You don't have a hamster anymore So they can't get that mad at you Yeah, you don't have the hamster anymore And then, too, your beat down is slightly more justified Though not entirely You want a reason for why you flew off the handle, right? Yeah Like, I think it's

Less crazy for you to have broken the No hamster rule Than it is for the I beat the shit out of my brother For no reason Straight up, no reason There's also a chance your parents know about the hamster Kids

Are not as smart as they think Parents know more than kids Yeah, they just walk in They hear the little Like a hamster Uh, that was Showered for 45 minutes, mom Yeah

I washed all of my Stuff and I didn't masturbate in there So Good day The water's cold because I took a long shower Because I was very dirty Not because I was masturbating Also, the semen in the drain

Was not because I was masturbating I fell asleep And As young boys would want to do I had a wet dream I had a wet dream In the shower And I ejaculated in my sleep

It wasn't even a minute It's fine, you jerk off, Brian Go to your room Go to your hamster How do you know about him? I don't Don't have a hamster I'm just

I just purchased this small scarf As a sort of little Chachki for myself Good day Alright Break time What do you want to ask Murph during the break?

I just wanted to hear the story of him And his fiance Now we can skip that We're just running out of time Let's do a question Excuse me It's just cool that they met We wrote Brian and Emily into a video

Yeah We wrote them becoming engaged in a video Yeah Are you going to show that at your wedding? No Emily Wayne Dalton Yeah I'm going to do ten minutes of stand-up

Then we'll have to video Do you have pressure to not be funny at the wedding? No If anything When we first announced that we were engaged A lot of people thought that we were kidding And it actually made me kind of mad I'm like

Human, capable of love of being serious Nah, it's a bit It's a bit It's not a bit, dude But your first kiss ever is on camera That's true That's very rare You can show that to your kids

Yeah Where are your kids, by the way? What? Where are your kids? They're feeding the show to each other They're in the houses Oh, shit, I forgot to feed them Yeah, I also...

Yeah, I kissed Jake, too Yeah, shit, we had our first kiss before you and Emily Yeah, I think so Or no, was it after? No It was before, me and you kissed Oh, yeah And then the next night was your kiss scene

Do you think you still would have married Emily If we didn't write that? Um Just the fact that you're a considerate means We're priests We certainly spent a lot of time together Because of you guys So I'll give you that

That's cool Yeah And that was just a throwaway joke The first instance of it was We had like a picture of Murphock It was like Secret Santa, too Oh, yeah, it was just... The idea was that

You gave Emily a picture of your face And it was a really ugly picture of your face But you chose Emily out of the blue Yeah, but also We just Wrote it in the script as it's like a really ugly picture And Emily improvised Being attracted to it

Oh, it's a picture of Murph And he looks real good Yeah, I was just like, it's a picture of Murph And then the joke was just to cut to you And you have the same face Yeah, Emily was like, it's a picture of Murph And he looks really good That's you

And you have that same face It certainly... I will say it made everything easier Because With like the The relationship On Jake and Amir It was like I could read into those things

Like even though none of it was real I'd be like, I'd be like, oh, well She kissed me a little bit longer Than I think she would have kissed somebody Who she didn't like So it probably gave me some false confidence Honestly Or was it true?

I guess it was true confidence Was it justified? Nah, probably Emily Opened the door, she's asleep So, okay, so me and Jake are responsible for that What else did we do good? Well, if they ever have kids one day

Yeah, that'll be our doing That's us as a godfather I would think so At the very least a godmother That's fair If I should like On the first one, just name him Jake and Amir Or if I should just hope to have two boys

Or just any two children Although, yeah, you don't want to name One kid Jake and Amir I bet that's a little weird Jacob, Amir, Murphy Hurwitz Amir, Jacob, Murph Emily

And we'll both be taking Jake's last name Jake Dolphin And Amir Dolphin Emily Wayne Dolphin I wanna For the rest of my life That was so hard to get through When's the wedding?

Next month Where's the wedding? I don't want to reveal that Come on, dude Everybody on Reddit Well, we wish you A Merry Christmas The best indeed

Namaste Honeymoon Honeymoon Europe Going all over that shit Berlin, Amsterdam We're going to Berlin Yeah?

Yeah That's actually a good time to talk about We have a show in London coming up Perfect Yeah, if you're in London September 8th, Monday Come hang out Live podcast

Sold out, maybe Live show before that Not sold out We still take it's available Is it not like a good one? What's the deal? Why is it not sold out? I think because it's an earlier show

It's at seven Oh, I was gonna say Because it wasn't a good one But yeah, it's good And then if you're in Berlin We'll just be hanging out there From September 10th to the 17th Is that when you're gonna be in Berlin?

Ooh, you're just gonna miss me I'm gonna be there like the 23rd Oh, shit I should leave you something Like a cracker or a note Yes Definitely a note Yeah

Let's do a note If it's between cracker and note Leave me a cracker on the The rocks of the Berlin Wall You just If you just walk over near there And find any cracker That'll just be from me

Here, let's do this Walk into the Holocaust Museum Okay And then just keep turning right Until you find the first bathroom If there's a paper towel dispenser I'll leave you a cracker Are you gonna go to the Holocaust Museum

Just so you can leave Murphy a note? Or a cracker Or a cracker I should really just try to take that experience in I will after I leave the note Right No, no, no He doesn't want to have to think about the cracker

The whole time he's at the Holocaust Museum That's why he's gonna get rid of it early Here's something you were talking about You give yourself a haircut always You just buzz your head Yeah, I just buzz my head But for your wedding, you can't do that? I can do it

I'd like to look Not like an idiot, though You're gonna just pay a guy to do it for you But he's gonna do the same thing I guess so There's probably the subtle differences I know that every time I do go To get an actual haircut

They're like, my god What have you done to yourself? Because there'll be just little hairs That are way longer than the other ones Or I'll have a little bit of a mullet thing Going on in the back I think you can't tell the subtleties of it now What do you do when you cut your hair?

You just shave one size all around? Shave the top with a five The sides with a three The rest of it is dealer's choice Then my lady straightens it out in the back With a zero I guess the straight edge, yeah That seems fine

I think you can get married on that You think so? I mean, you're wedding so soon anyway Isn't it like in a couple weeks? Or a month, you said? Yeah, so I guess if I could You grow your hair for a month and then get a haircut Like the day before?

No, I'll get a haircut like a week before So I don't have that Because I look like a 12 year old boy Every time I get a haircut And in general I never get a good haircut, yeah You should go somewhere nice to get the haircut Exactly, that's what I'll do

I'll splurge fantastic exams I'm just gonna go We'll send you to a barber On our dime For being a guest number 99 Wow I'd like to Do I get a hundo spot?

Oh, you mean 100 dollars? Yeah, 100 dollars We'll give you 99 dollars Seriously, who's on the fucking hundo spot? You don't want to know, dude We're saving it Emily Is it really?

That'd be so funny Should we get to one last question? Yeah, I think there's time I think especially because this one's not about violence Yeah That one took such a turn I was like, hamsters, thank god Oh no, the hamster's dead

Oh no, he beat the shit I think I should involve Alright, here we go Question number four The relationships did get more intense Friend, girlfriend, brother Yeah Alright, next one

Okay, I'm trying to Oh, this is a lady We need a lady rock name Okay Slate.com Slate.com I am 24 years old I am in a relationship with a great guy

We have been together for seven months And I don't see our relationship ending Anytime soon However, I was on his laptop the other day And I started typing something into Google And as soon as I typed EXE The first thing that popped up was Exercises to lift breasts

I looked at the search results And the first five links had been clicked Not only that But the last few times we had gone to the gym together He recommends that I work out my upper body What the heck is going on? I'm five foot two and I weigh 110 pounds My breasts are very large for my frame

And naturally large breasts tend to not be As perky as small ones They are by no means saggy But I am not Rihanna I actually take a lot of pride in my breasts And no one has had a problem with them in the past I also started thinking about his last two girlfriends And realized now that they both had small breasts

Now I feel self-conscious when I wear a bra Now I feel self-conscious and wear a bra when we have sex Is he even attracted to me? What should I do? I don't want to make things awkward But I know I have been acting differently towards him Help me Jake and Amir and Murph Love

Slate Slate So the search was exercises to lift breasts And they've been in a relationship for seven months So you can't tell them to break up I think they should break up Right? What do you mean to lift breasts?

To make them less saggy? She's saying she has large breasts So naturally they're going to be a little saggier Than little boobs Right, because there's more gravity And more weight to them That's just the way We're not being sexist

This is science Yeah Trending very lightly Are going to be lower down This guy is the sexist one He's trying to secretly give her exercises That he thinks will Like what an odd thing that he can think

That's such a weird thing for him to do You know that exercise that sucks fat from boobs Back into your body? That is real I'm a little miffed by it too Yeah, I think it I'm as always reading into this Sure

And I think this He's probably very like picky And particular and controlling He's like smaller boobs Can you No, I think this This has to lead into other things I don't think there's any guy who's just like

Like my girlfriend's breasts Need to sit a little higher I'm going to look up all kinds of exercises for her And when we go to the gym I'm going to have her do-set exercises Until her breasts lift Right, that's not the one thing that he's thinking about There's got to be a million

There's other stuff So Like what? I don't know I guess he's like My girlfriend drives a Passat But I really think she should be in a Cadillac Meaning

I don't know Just micromanaging every little part of her life Yeah, maybe he's trying to micromanage her body You know Well, she's getting an issue because of it A body issue I'd like to see what the first five links said Well, you want to lift your breasts

That's completely understandable Is it possible that he has breasts And he's trying to figure out how to make his breasts go away? I'm guessing she could tell from the links Like what it was leading to, right? Like, I don't think she's clicking on those five links And it's just like a dude with huge pecs Here's an exercise question for you

Are there exercises that target specific kind of fat Or you just exercise and then your body genetically chooses which fat to get rid of I'm not I don't think it's super effective to try to burn fat off of particular areas You can definitely gain muscle in particular areas from working them Right, but like Can I lose fat in my stomach versus my face? I don't know

I don't know I think You've been doing sit-ups with a medicine ball on your face Yeah I've been doing facial crunches for the past year and a half But I... Well, also, let's address... Oh, no, okay

She wasn't really snooping on his computer She just typed in something Yeah, she typed in EXE and the autofill Exercise is the lift breasts No weird shit popped up It's not so crazy that she could mention that to him Yeah, I think she needs to bring it up with him Especially if it's giving you these issues

Like, he might... The thing is bringing it up is going to be the cure Because either he's going to just ease all your fears and say Oh, no, I was doing this totally innocent thing Or like, oh, I just had this one concern about this And he's a good guy Or he's like, yeah, I want your breasts to be high And then you could be like, okay

They're not And you're not my boyfriend anymore Right I think that you take it or leave it Yeah, clarity I think this will be a... Bringing something like that up with him will be a true test of like Kind of what he's made of

Is he just like being nitpicky about this one weird thing And he'll like, apologize or back off Or you'll... It's kind of a weird thing for him to be searching that, honestly Right Is it crazy to say that she should get a secret breast reduction And say that the exercise is freaking weird? Oh, shit, I'm going to beat you up

What? This whole podcast has been a... Permission to beat up Amir Granted For ever saying that, I think you get punched You be you It's like the corollary of you do you That's what we should tell her

You be you You be you That way Well, Yodyu sort of encompasses what we're saying here Just so you know Just so you know Don't think of it as a corollary, but sort of a subsection under the umbrella of you do you Imagine how shitty you would feel if you were put in that position

Like you knew something about yourself Like me, I have like really big stupid teeth If I just like went on my laptop and like Emily was just searching like She said still surgery Exercises to make teeth smaller Ways to make teeth smaller and less pointy That would be the worst

Look, that's because you're but you're like aware of I don't know if you're insecure about your teeth That's almost like the biggest fear ever Like if you're like I'm insecure about my teeth And then she's looking up ways to fix your teeth Yeah This girl's like proud of her breasts as she should be That's how they sound great

I'm into it Yeah So it's sort of like a surprise She's like, wait, what? I would think that's maybe even worse That's true, yeah Yeah, it's almost like Right, something that you don't even want to change about yourself

It's exercises to fix and then it's something that you like about yourself Like for me, it would be my hair Exercises to fix your hair Yeah, I would freak out I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's perfect It's fine It's better than you

But if it was like exercises to make your face look less like a chipmunk I'd be like, okay, I get that I kind of like that I understand you want that I know why you want that Is that why you're asking me about a burnt fat in your face? So by the way, where do we land on that? Vis-a-vis chiseled jobs

For this bit, how would you say you lose face fat? This is me eating an acorn talking to you Yeah, the end The end, I think Episode 100, we did it, guys Oh no We did it, guys Episode 100

We might put this one up a little early Weird We might hang on to it and do it for 102, actually No, I feel like I feel like 100 What if we just date down to episode 58 and we put this one up there Or we really back-barry it Yeah

We realized that episode 72 was missing So this one is actually 98 You just post an old one as the new one And you bury mine among the other old ones So you have to go search through the archives to find it So one super fan on Reddit is like, I was re-listening to episode 53 Turns out Murph was on it He was talking about how fat he was in November

But it was in November, which was weird Anything you want to plug? Maybe your wedding? No Is that crazy? Keep in mind that people listen to this show So what you say right now will be heard I just want to promote my Reddit account Brian underscore Murphy, that is really me

Oh, that's good I hope it's really me, I haven't been on in like months And if it's not, I would be slandered Jake, do you want to plug anything? The London Chose, that's it What about our Vine? Oh yeah Our Vine

I want to promote our Vine Thanks for asking, Amir Oh, did you want to mention our Vine? Yeah, the Vine is Jake and Amir Either Jake and Amir or Amir Blumenfeld, I'm still not sure Alright, so look him up Thanks for coming on the show Yeah, thanks for having me

We'll have you back on episode, I don't know, 198 or something Something sort of close to a big deal but not Thanks so much for listening everybody We'll be back later Oh, shit, the closing theme song and all that other stuff If you have your own question or theme song submission You can send it to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com We're also still accepting thumbnail submissions

When we post our episodes on Facebook We've been using custom thumbnails that you guys have been making for us That opening theme song was from Michael And this closing theme song is from Hoon Kong See you guys But they're very sincere It's called IfIWereYou Every Monday to see the cheese

Don't ever hesitate If you ever need real advice Just email IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com Hey everybody, it's Nicole Pulizzi But you may know me as Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore I totally feel like Snooki doesn't exist anymore So I want you guys to get to know Nicole Download my new podcast, Naturally Nicole, at podcast1.com

A lot has changed in my life with becoming a mother, getting married Losing weight, being fit So be a part of my new fantastic, fabulous world Download Naturally Nicole every Tuesday at podcast1.com That's podcastowne.com