If I Were You - Bonus: Bruised Penis (2019)

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

In this episode we discuss pizza crust, screen time, and whether or not sex is like Tetris.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gamma region. What is this a new if I were you podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up. That never unsubscribed so please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You recorded at our old studio in 2018. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If only I were you, sharp dot com. Perfect. What are you looking at? I'm not just fucking out of my phone. Fucking around. This is the beginning of the app, man. Yeah, I'm fine. Let's fucking get into it.

What are you looking up or... I was just checking stuff. I was like, no, I was refreshing Instagram stories. It's not looking up or? I was checking stuff. Nah, I was refreshing Instagram stories. Not really anything. Nah, not really anything. I got to the end, so I was like, Let's go, baby.

This is a fire you. A video bonus Thursday episode. I'm gonna just check out my like, Discover tab to see if there's anything new to follow. Discover tab. Fuck man, that sounds like you're like. I'm like on Twitter. Bored.

It really seems like your border so shit I'm bored I'm bored I like I'm bored with you you're killing time I'm bored with you yeah do we do it is it started yes and no it started we did the theme song and now we're recording this part of the episode right so let's just do the first first question and then and then what after I'm gonna be back doing the second and third. Okay, sure. Don't you keep giving like a double, yeah, you are phoning it in. You're doing a lot of double takes.

Just don't look at your, you're done. You just changed from 1242 to 1243. It's kind of interesting. Why? If you're done with your feeds, like Twitter, all refreshed Instagram, all refreshed, no emails coming in,

they're not touching. So then you can look at the lock screen for what? your feeds like Twitter, all refreshed Instagram, all refreshed, no emails coming in, no test. So then you can look at the lock screen for what? Well, because the numbers change. That's not like an alert. That's not a notification. That's not to be an alert. It's like a change. What was your screen time last week?

It says it gives you your weekly screen time. What was it? 22 hours. 22 hours. 22 hours. That's so much. It gets in the productivity tab though. But I guess that's just like what they call being

on the Chrome browser. Are you on your phone when you sleep? I don't sleep. It's awful for you. I sleep for two hours, I'm not my phone then. Two hours a day? Two hours a night. Yeah, that's the same shit.

I'm talking about a full day. That includes day and night. Right, okay. It's just kind of weird, I guess. But you're not sleeping enough is what I'm talking about. I sleep for two hours at night. Obviously. Close your mouth.

You got like dental work done or something? I had a root canal. A lot of crowns. All crowns, one thing. You shaved it down. I forked my tongue. Like the drummer from, when are the bassists from Limpisket? Who is that guy? Oh, the black eye.

The fully black eyes. I don't think he forked his tongue though. I thought I was so sad if he'd made permanent changes to his face for lip biscuit. What's his net worth? Is he still fine? Is he? Is he making that cash? But it is West something. It's West. West from lip biscuit. West Portland. That's right. West. Howl. Portland. Son. All right. West Portland. Celebrity. Net worth. What are you guessing? Over under seven million. Under seven million. seven million less five million net worth

Wow, I did really good with the line. It says he has a net worth of eight million wow That's pretty good and I think correct me if I'm wrong, but This guy invested wisely This guy invested wisely. Oh, fuck. Jesus Christ. He actually bought during the dip of the economic recession. Low risk stocks and bonds.

He owns a four bedroom in Park Slow. An ETF account. There he is. He was an early robo investor. He got into crypto super early and got out. Yeah, wow, Jesus Christ. Good on you, Westmoreland. All right, this is if I were you,

an advice podcast after all. It's not just financial advice, though we are well equipped to give that. That's correct. We're also helping people out of there. Normal sticky situations like this person right here, a lady, we'll give her a lady's name. Oh, just like any any like a female even just like a croc.

Oh, a rock and roll of rock and roll. Yeah, like who's the West Portland, but like ladies. I would guess I would say I mean Cheryl Crowe never did like the freaky. Oh, you know what? Courtney Love. That's cool. It is probably a little bit more right courtney love the thing okay i just turned twenty five and unfortunately i'm still a virgin i'm not afraid of

sex or think it is scary in any way i've done plenty of other things leading up to it i was just a late bloomer and a little picky anyway i've kind of been trying to dump my virginity on this first guy sexual chemistry with because i'm honestly tired of not going through with it And I really don't want to make it a big deal I recently matched with a guy on hinge and we hit it off Texting snapchatting and all that stuff and he's seen pretty down to clown We went so far as to text a few times sex to few times

I should say and have sent nudes back and forth. Okay, but here's the twist turns out this guy's a virgin too And for some reason I'm rethinking the whole thing How dare he be a virgin as well What I wanted to just be a romp in the hay has now that has now has to be like this big deal because it's both of our first times And I know it's so hypocritical, but now I'm wondering why this seemingly normal 24-year-old guy has never found anybody to fuck. What are you doing? Even though I haven't either.

All right, so at least yourself aware. Am I terrible for kind of being turned off by this virgin status, even though I'm in the exact same boat? I'm hoping to do it with someone more experienced and just go along for the ride, pun intended. Should I go forward anyway? How do I make this experience not feel like we're two 16 year olds groping around in the dark?

Thanks. Okay. Well, if you were a 25 year old virgin, would you want to sleep with an expert? Or would you want to sleep with a virgin as well? I think I'd probably want to sleep with another virgin, or at least somebody that didn't have a ton of experience. I think that sleeping with someone that was like,

a lethario would be a little bit intimidating. It's hard, because when you're playing video games, you don't want to play against an expert, because you're like, this isn't fun. I'm just, they're too good. But if you're playing basketball, you also don't want to play against someone who's amazing. Yeah. But if you're too good, but if you're playing like basketball, you also don't want to play against like someone who's amazing Yeah, but if you're like collaborating like if it was me and you and we were doing something in a collaborative way

I'd want that if we were to be yeah to be something you were good at right like if it this was an art competition I want my partner to be really good. I think it was sex more like a video game or more like art really good. I think it's sex more like a video game or more like art. Very interesting question. Thank you for positive it. Sex is a video game. This is what the fundamental difference between the both of us. I think it's art. You think it's a video game. It's Tetris. I guess you're trying to make the perfect piss piece fit. You have weird sex. And I have a long straight one. And you got a little fucking T. Yeah, that's right.

Your dick looks like the small ass. You have a fucking square, man. The goat piece. I wonder if she had matched with somebody who she found out was a player, somebody who hooked up with a lot of people, if she would be talking herself out of it in the exact same way. It almost makes me think that she's just nervous.

Yeah, that maybe you're just not ready, or that you're nervous and you need to relax. I think two versions is good because you're you can't be like you're not in your head about like oh shit I hope I'm doing the strong because they also don't know. You know there's also nothing that says you have to have sex with this guy. Yeah. She made this promise to herself like I'm gonna fuck the next person that I have even remote sexual chemistry with. But you guys can just do other stuff

leading up to sex and if it's feeling good if it's normal and nice, then you can have sex. Yeah, but would you recommend it or would you say, fight, wait for someone who's more experienced? I wouldn't say wait for someone who's more experienced, but I wouldn't say that like you need to make a decision whether or not to fuck this guy now when you haven't met him. Like, but you might as well not write it off is what I would say. Imagine sending nudes and sexting

when you have one have never met and two have never had sex. Yeah, that seems, I mean, sending nudes, I feel like that time would have passed because now it's like the eye cloud, it's everywhere. It's just like so clear that bad shit happens when you do, like I understand why it happened initially. And the pictures are so good.

We're like sending photos, it's sexy, it's Snapchat, it's whatever, but then like after the leaks, just stop doing this. Everyone's, you've seen the devastation from it. And it's such high res too, it's not like a blurring with a good, yeah, you can seen the devastation from it. And it's such high res too. It's not like a blurring, so good. Yeah, you can really see the dick hole of it all. Why don't you get your new phone?

I thought you got a new phone. I did, but you remember I pulled my back last week? It just, everything felt like such a huge effort. So for me to like open a box and like plug in a bunch of wires and like download I just like didn't have the energy for anything. And I'm just saying so I'm gonna I'm gonna do it next week when I go back when I go back home. Are you gonna transfer the nudes or are you gonna like delete this old phone and then start a nude with the nude? Yeah, I think I'll start fresh, but I'll start fresh by like taking a few photos of my asshole. Yeah, hole. Just uploading to the cloud snapchat. Storage.

That'd be kind of interesting. To just have a photo of my asshole on my phone as your home screen or lock screen. No, no, it would just be in my streams. So if anyone's swiping, I'd be like, don't swipe, don't swipe. I'll hold on on my ass. Yeah, and then it's like, it's not just like a new,

it's straight up my asshole. It's a real punishment for swiping, you know what I mean? Someone else would have to take it if it was a true asshole photo. Right. You can't quite get it. I can't perfect. You'd have to like, because you want to be a little far away, dead on. You have a timer, self-timer and a mirror. Oh, that's cool. So you set it down.

A few steps out. Ass spread, or you're just bending over. Go see style. That's a good stakes for a bit. Lizard has to just slide in an asshole photo. With a little sign that says, why did you swipe the left? Would you rather have a photo of my asshole on your phone like that, where people can't tell if it's yours or my ass, or would you rather have a picture of your asshole on my phone where people couldn't tell if it was

yours or mine. Yeah. I think yours. Because everyone's on your phone. Everyone would believe me if I said it was yours. Like it's not like I, some of them know man, that's your asshole. I would just be like that's a mere asshole. Yeah, but they would, would they be like, why the hell do you have a picture of his asshole?

He put it there, he's an idiot. It's deleted. I don't know how. It's a fucking wood you rather shit. So you're saying, I'd rather have a picture of an asshole on my phone as long as it's not my asshole on the lielone. I'd rather have any asshole on my phone than my asshole.

I'd rather have my picture of my asshole on my phone than my asshole. I'm the same, I'd rather have my picture of my asshole on your phone. Because that way my phone is clear of the holes. There's no anus on my phone. I guess if it's like just the hole. No, you can't change your fucking mind. Take a picture of my grundle and make it your lock screen. My grundle. Because it has to be taint, hair, record.

You're changing the rules now. It has to be your home and orlox. That's the word you're making additions. That's an absolutely an addition. It's an amendment. All right, fine, let's call the whole thing off. Okay, have sex with the Virgin. Well, just don't write it off.

You're not to do it. But you'd also, you should not do it because he's a virgin. Yeah, it's definitely fine that he's a virgin. Case in point, you also are. Check out Amir's asshole. No! Thank you to see the thing is for sponsoring this episode of our show, that's right, our podcast is being

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There's nothing exciting about putting a pill in your mouth and drinking it. But AG1 gives you all the vitamins you need without necessarily having to take a pill, you just put a scoop of it in your water and you're drinking a good drink and then you're like, wait a minute, that wasn't just delicious, it's actually filled with all these things that I need to help my immune system, to help my gut, to help clarity and energy. Every scoop is packed with 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food sourced ingredients of the highest quality to give you major benefits like that mood support and boosted energy. Healthier looking skin hair and nails, people are often shocked to find out that I'm actually

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That's right, athleticgreens.com slash if I were you. That's right. AthleticGreens.com slash if I were you check it out, treat your body right and honestly it tastes good regardless of how well it makes you feel. So you might as well try it for that too. Thank you Athletic Greens. Alright, question two. Hey bitches, I'm a 19 year old dude and I'm currently a junior at Minnesota. Fred Durst. That's cool. I've gotten myself into a pretty sticky situation and I really need your sage advice. So here's thest. That's cool. I've gotten myself into a pretty sticky situation and I really need your sage advice. So here's the thing. There's this girl that I've been hanging out with

as of late and one of the first times we got drunk and fucked. See, this guy's completely different from the first one. They're already fucking each other the first time. I made a pizza after and this girl didn't tell me that she was a vegetarian until after I cooked the meat lovers pizza. So being the gentleman I am, I offered her the crust and she gratefully accepted, wow, what a gentleman you are.

You made a pizza she couldn't eat after having sex with her. I then gave her the crust. The saddest part of the pie. Seems harmless, right? Wrong. Since then, she has taken this as a meaning that she gets the crust every time. And I'm talking every time I make a pizza when we get pizza at a restaurant. Now, I'm not some fat ass who needs every last bite of crust,

but the crust is a great part of the pizza. And sometimes I'd like to enjoy it. My question is this, how do I tell this girl that I want the crust sometimes without having to hurt her feelings, and ruining this cute little quirk we have in our fledgling relationship? All advice appreciated, thanks.

Come to Minnesota. Why do people like crust? I like the crust. It's the worst. It's so bad. I like it because it's like, it's a nice like non-cheesy bite that ends the slice. It's a good crust.

As end of the pizza. You're not eating the crust? No, I would never eat the slice. It's a good crust. And if it's a good crust, ass end of the pizza. You're not eating the crust? No, I would never eat the crust. What about on the sandwich? You're eating the crust? Yeah, on the sandwich, it's fine, because it's still, it has all of the,

on a sandwich, on a good sandwich, the filling goes right to the crust. And if it doesn't, are you just discarding the crust? Yeah, I'm not gonna just eat crust. I like the crust. And if it's got a bubble and a little bit of sauce, that's a good crust. A little bit of sauce, I'm not gonna just eat crust. I like the crust. And if it's got a bubble and a little bit of sauce, that's a good crust. A little bit of sauce, I understand.

But like when it's just dry, you're just leaving it there. Of course. Of course. But what's wrong with bread? You'll eat bread. I'll eat bread, but I don't want it to be, I'll eat bread, but I'll have it with,

I'll have it be toasted with butter and with some peanut butter or with some vegetable mite. Shout out to my Aussie friends. What is the exact same thing? Some vegetable mite. Some vegetable mite mite. But I mean, Christ. Christ, you just have a dry bread, dry rye,

toasted hot, brown around the town. Dry rye, Miss American pie. Pizza pie. Pie around the town. Dry, rye, mis-American pie. Pizza pie. Pie crust is fine. So you're saying this guy should just sacrifice crust. No, I'm saying if you don't want her to eat the crust, like if you make an entire pie, one that she can eat,

she can probably have her slices and her crust and you have your slices and then eat your crust, it will not come up. Also, if you have two slices, like, and you have both crusts on the plate, she's not gonna be able to eat both right away. You have to eat it before she did. Yeah, you can like give her a piece of the crust.

You can establish a way where you start eating the crust slowly but surely you'll have a bite of your crust before you give it to her, you have two bites, you're giving her half a crust. Before you know it, you've changed the bite of your crust before you give it to her. You have two bites or you're giving her half a crust. Before you know it, you've changed the dynamic of the relationship where you have at at least three quarters of your crust and she has a bite to keep up with a cuteness. But on a whole pie, that's a lot of crust, bud. You'll have enough crust.

Do you prefer the square slice? Nope. No crust. Square pie. I want the middle slice. I love a Sicilian pie that's all cheese and sauce. Yeah. All right, would you rather have two slices of pizza

or two bites of every slice? Two bites of every slice. I don't, you do that sometimes. I had a family-style restaurant. You said you need this rat style. It's the shit in. For me, instead of have two bites of every slice and then I'm out for the day.

You know the table, the table in the middle, that's the goat bite. The one circle. Every, yeah. I want that to be a little cutter, cut everybody. Oh my God, you want the cheese, you want the sauce, you want the bread, but you don't need just bread. Otherwise, I'd have bread, cut everybody. Oh my god, you want the cheese, you want the sauce, you want the bread, but you don't need just bread. Otherwise, I'd have bread, not pizza.

It's a nice dessert to the pizza slice. I prefer the crust to the actual slice. I think the crust is, dare I say, the best part? That's insane. You just like fucking plain-ass bread. No, not plain-red, plain crust. Do you think most people eat the crust or don't? I think most people, if I'm thrown up a Twitter poll,

interesting. I think most people, I would guess they do. Yes! But it's close. I'm normal. I think it's like 55, 45. Or maybe it's like 60, 58. It's too high.

I think it's like 65% eat the crust and then like 55% don't. I know. That's what you were mispeaking and you clarified to a worst percentage. That's 110%. At most, 100% of people answer the quiz. Okay. So 100% of people weighing in, 30% don't eat the crust. Right. 40% do't eat the crust.

40% now. 70% do. Because there's only two options. It's 100 minus whatever you thought. What's the? Not eating the crust. I'll see. I still don't get it for this fun.

100% of people answer the quiz. Oh my god, come on. 100 minus 10. You don't know. Oh, no, I don't want to guess because I feel like I'll. Yeah, you should have to guess this what I'm saying. It shouldn't be a guess, right? But I feel like if I guess it's going to be wrong. Like if I just took a shot in the dark, it was, you don't have to, even if you got it right at this, if I was, I know you haven't learned anything. The fact that you're calling it a shot in the dark. Right.

If I just two plus four, if I take a stab at that, if I'm like, if I'm like eight, if I think it's eight, and it's right, then it's like, oh, Jake actually is smart. But if I, I feel like chances are, I think that now. Chances are, I would never.

Chances are that it's like, yes, it's not wrong. Cause it's five or six or seven and then I'm like And then I'm I know that it's less than 10 it saddens me to hear this part of you I just a lot of across like a like a fool. Do you see there's like little squares on your shirt? Yeah, could you count how many squares there? Oh, no, I'm doing it to yourself. Oh my god, you're a fucking toddler. How do you talk? Oh, you're crying. Let's get her in your back again. All right, eat the crust. Don't worry about it. That's what we're telling this guy. I would say it's a crest. This guy has a bruised dick question the third.

We'll call him Richard. Cautionary tale for question number one. A bruised dick for this thick prick make the ladies more than sick. I noticed a bruise on the base of my member this yesterday after having some rough drunken sex the night before. Ha! Indeed. I am writing with one hand as the other one is currently icing the base of my penis trying to accelerate

the healing process. My problem is this, I am currently on a bit of a roll with the ladies, and there are four girls who I have been hooking up with for the past month. Wow! How do I refrain from having sex with any of them without alienating them completely? So I don't re-injure my little general. Should I tell them about the Bruce and has this ever happened to you, Jake? Oh, I'm sorry, pal. But you can make fun of me for not knowing math if you want. That's fine. He's right, my dick's never been. I never had a Bruce dick, either, though. I didn't have like a in like a hurt dick once I feel like you'd have chafing more than chasing. Yeah, that's from jaying. Oh too much fucking pervert

You little lonely little prick bapping too much. Take your dick out right now. I'm sex and still be lonely and I resent that Okay, I was definitely lonely or when I was single Of course having plenty of sex So bruise dick are you familiar with this thing? Have you had friends that suffered from this? I feel like I've heard Bruce Dick before. It must be like hard and then like sprained or bent or the muscle gets torn or, I don't know, sounds horrible. I mean, there's like, you can really hurt your dick.

You can break it, you know? There's like, but if there's no bone there, what are you breaking? I guess the veins that carry the blood to it or something, there's like cartilage in your dick, isn't there? Like the same way that there's cartilage in your ear. I'll say no. Okay.

Here, harder cartilage, dick, just muscle. Just dick is just muscle. And veins, of course. Search if there's cartilage in your dick All right Whoa god it's so tiny. It's an ear I take a picture of your urine asshole down there is there cartilage In your dick is not even like top five. Oh god. Oh correct. Oh shoulder ankle ribs neck and wrist. Okay

even like top five. Oh, God, oh, correct. Well, shoulder ankle ribs neck and wrist. Okay. Despite all the charming euphemisms, your penis doesn't contain any bones or even cartilage. Instead, the penis is made up of blood vessels and spongy tissue. Can you break your penis was the question?

Interesting. But you can. Yeah. You can still break a penis. It sounds like a loud pop. And then there's a lot of pictures. Oh, geez. Sort of cross sections.

It looks like a little fly. Interesting. Yeah. So I guess, I don't know what my advice is here. I don't think it's hard to like, you don't have to tell anyone about it. Would you want to hang out with girls? Would be like, sorry, I can't have sex. advice is here. I don't think it's hard to like, we don't have to tell anyone about. Would you wanna hang out with girls? I'd be like, sorry, I can't have sex.

I bruised my dick. No, of course not. That's it. You can, I actually bruised the dick from fucking all y'all. I'll do hard. No offense on four of you. In my four of them to dinner. Can we do, can we get froyo?

And I'll get one cup for me at another cup to put on the base of my cock. Which one of you broke my dick? Let's figure it out. Let's do a Marsha. Like some sort of weird weakest link episode. The weakest link is your dick. The weakest prick.

Or would you not hang out with any lady, or would you hang out and be like, coy about it. So it's like, I feel like if you're balancing, hooking up with four different people, you can pretty easily balance not see, like you're already good at not seeing three of them, right? Like, just do that for two weeks, and but instead of like hanging out with one and ignoring the other three, just ignore all four for a few weeks and your penis will be fine. Maybe absence will make their hearts grow fonder anyway. Yeah. Or what if you hang out with one, and be like, you don't even try to sleep with them, then it's like, oh it shows that you're a nice guy. Well, that's dangerous if you don't want to like date them.

Because then it's like- Because then it's like- It's a serious, a serious relationship. So you're saying take a hiatus. Yeah, just stay abstinent for two weeks. It'll be nice, it'll clear your head. Why not? And the head of your dick.

That's what I meant. Really? No. It was a pun unintended moment. Count the rectangles on your shirt again. One, two, three, four, five. It's not that, man. I hate how rehearsed that sounded too.

I had been doing it in my head. Yeah, since we're ahead of your day. Pun intended. All right, that's it. Three questions. No ads. The end. This is after all a bonus Thursday video Patreon version of our show.

Thank you guys so much for watching. Of course, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, sharp dot com. That was a hit thumb original. Knock knock, who's there? It's Riley and Alfred from Headgums in Prov Comedy Podcast. Review review. Let me know. There's two of us. I could have done the who's there. Symantics. We're here to let you know that we have our first ever live show on Sunday, November 5th at 5.30 pm. As part of the New York Comedy Festival, we will be at the Littlefield in Brooklyn with special guests Kylie breakman and Ryan goll.

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