If I Were You - Bonus: Cheese and Fish (w/Billy Scafuri!) 2019

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

This is a head gamma region. This podcast is brought to you in part by Audible, presenting Anne of Green Gables. A timeless tale reimagined. Anne of Green Gables is an immersive new adaptation of the beloved Canadian classic. It features an all-star cast, led by Sandra O. as narrator, Catherine O'Hara as Marilla Cuthbert, Victor Garber as Matthew Cuthbert, and Michaela Lushi as Anne Shirley. It's releasing now during the holidays, making it perfect for a family listening moment that transcends generations and celebrates the universal journey of self-discovery

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were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip, whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb to find something you won't forget. What is this, a new if-I-were-you podcast? Well, kind of, these are episodes that we're living behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up. That never unsubscribed so please enjoy this classic episode of In Fire You recorded at our old studio in 2018. Skiffuri writer, director known for triple kiss, the young Kislaowski, and eight more guys to avoid at a college.

Hold on, hold on. Are you reading? I am debuting as I am debuting. That's one of our best friends. You've been one of my closest friends. I just, I happen to know your credits. No. I feel like we met on the set of the young Kislaowski.

You played James, right? I don't remember. Okay. Um, so, uh, you're also in the couch. I see how almost every day I was also in couch. The couch. Which was a TV series I want to show you. Oh, it's the computer.

If you're not on the I have to go. Yeah, what are you on if you're not on my IMDv? As you can close it and then spun it. You're sure it's a side of the computer. You edited awesomeness TV, an episode? Oh, is that where we met? Yeah. In the edited booth of awesomeness TV at Nickelodeon Right, you really not remember some of these stuff's I'm not I was just playing it up for the that's comedy in the scene That's cool. Right. Can you what can you tell me about the couch?

The couch was Harvard sailing team my sketch comedy team was hired by YouTube to make eight videos and we said can we do a live show and then break all the sketches into the web series. And it's called the couch. Everything took place on one couch. Got it. So that was for YouTube. That was for YouTube.

Maybe YouTube read. I remember that. I remember YouTube. Yeah. What can you tell me about we the internet TV? Oh, like nothing. I have no idea what that means. What can you tell talking about playing somebody

in something called Lonely and Horny on, I think it's a TV series. Yeah, I remember the director. I remember the director of that series was like really talented. And I remember thinking there wasn't like a ton to work with with the actor. I was in scene with, but I remember the director.

I was like, I'm gonna try an actor. I'm gonna thank him on the email after the shoot. And be like, good job. Pleasure working with you director. I, yeah, we had a really nice email chain back and forth. Yeah, you did a really good job because I know there wasn't a lot to work with. I did my best, but I couldn't get out of my lead actor.

You were great. It's hard, yeah. Honestly, like working with you, I was like, he's finally giving me some to work because the going against what I was looking at, it was kind of like looking at the writing was bad. It was like looking at a white writing was bad. Writing was in path. It was kind of like looking at the writing was bad. It was like looking at a white writing was bad. The writing wasn't bad, the writing was like,

well I mean half the writing was bad. It was a really interesting way. I almost tell that what. That like somebody went in and tried to ruin every scene with like, kind of like Kamikaze stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of weird. It was weird.

Yeah, anyway, thank you so much for coming. Fuck, I hated to hear that out loud. It found three different questions that you might be able to lend your expertise to, a little bit more than other guests. Okay. I'll give you three options you choose, the order. Okay. Regarding my upcoming birthday.

Okay. Possible diets. And my boyfriend sucks at tennis. We'll finish with tennis, look at birthdays too, and let's start with diet. Love it. Yeah, very nice. So this is from a graduated with my masters in May.

We'll call this a 24 year old dude. Do you have a name for this 24 year old man? Master Mike. That's cool. Beast of Boys reference. That's right. Very cool. Look at that cool look. I've just had on Master Mike. That's cool. Beast of Boys reference. That's right. Very cool.

Look at that cool look. I'm here just out on his face. I got it. How was it for some you knew a musician? Oh, that wasn't Taylor Swift. He was like, cool, I know what that means. Mixed Master Mike writes, during my two years, sorry,

I just graduated with my Masters in May. During my two years in the program, my time was spent reading, writing, in class or working. My time outside of these activities was spent drinking to cope with the stress. Obviously, this culminated in an unhealthy lifestyle and weight gain. Now I am working to try to develop a healthier diet than bar food and beer. I have a lot of friends who have told me that intermittent fasting has worked wonders for them. I used to do triathlons and have started running again.

Any advice for my diet would be helpful. Thanks. Love. Mixed master mic. Okay. It's from a triathlons. Yeah. So I mean, he's running triathlons and eating bar food seems like he knows what health is. Right.

Yeah. I think that was something that I always, like every time I was getting unhealthy, I would be like, shit, I need to like learn a real, like a good diet. And then you like start reading, you're like, oh wait, I know. Like you know what? Yeah, right.

The hard part is actually doing. Yeah, the hard part is not knowing what a good diet is. The hard part is doing what a good diet is. There are ways where it's like if you cut out like carb sugar dairy, those things. Those are like diet. There are ways where it's like if you cut out like carb sugar, dairy, those things. Those are like sticky foods that you eat where it's like a lot of that will kind of like compound with other foods much worse

and it'll make it much harder to lose weight. And if you don't eat those, then it's much, it's faster to flush weight off of your body. If you don't have those in your body at the time. A lot of people say that like, they stop drinking beer and they lost like 10 pounds. Like a lot of it is just beer weight. If you drink several beers a day and get rid of that. It is easy to like, if you're say that like, they stop drinking beer and they lost like 10 pounds. Like a lot of it is just beer weight. If you drink several beers a day and get rid of that.

It is easy to like, if you're not gonna like, change a ton about your diet to just like identify what the biggest offender is. Right. And then you're like, especially if this guy's like eating a lot of bar food, if he gives up beer, he'll probably stop going to the bar. Right.

And then you're not eating as much bar food. It's a funny question because it's like, he knows. Like you said, he knows what healthy is in healthy means. So I like wonder what he honestly would expect from us. Like how could we, like what could be like a ground-breaking answer that we could provide where it's like, cut up this? Yeah.

When I eat healthy, sometimes it's sad. Like I'm making a lunch decision. Right. And I'm like, do I get a cheeseburger or do I get a Chinese chicken salad? The Chinese chicken I'm making a lunch decision. And I'm like, do I get a cheeseburger or do I get a Chinese chicken salad?

The Chinese chicken salad being healthier. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm not by much. And I'm like, do I want to eat just vegetables and lean meat or do I want to eat like a big fat sandwich? Right. And I'm never happy when I order the salad,

but I'm happier a little bit when the meal is done and I don't feel bad about myself. Yeah. Do you ever feel that way? You don't necessarily ever choose the healthier option. You just go with what you want that moment. You find it, and I don't know if you do, but I know you find it very funny that I eat garbage.

Yes. You eat full Italian dinners for lunch. No doubt. And you feel fine after. I feel right. You're in sixth grade. That's right. Your diet is a 12-year-old. That's right. spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. No, and you feel fine after. I feel right. I feel correct. Like you're in sixth grade. That's right. Your diet is a 12-year-old. That's right. Spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. Why? Yes. Like, does that sound crazy to you? A sleeve of Oreos for dessert. That's, that is

actually true. Two boxes of pasta. I had a few sleeves in, I was just telling you like two weeks ago, I don't know what happened to me. It's like I hadn't had a cookie like my whole life, but I had two sleeves of double-stuffs in a sitting, dude. That's like approaching. You weren't like, oh man, I feel kind of sick. No, I stand up and I'm like, I feel tall. You had 40 Oreos in sitting? Yeah, probably a 40, but like 20. You know that's like a challenge.

That's an eating challenge. There's almost a few things I just kept eating them and I was like, I like this, I still like this, I want more milk and I still like this. What am I supposed to do? It really is like you're, I still like this, I want more milk, and I still like this. What am I supposed to do? It really is like you're, I sometimes imagine like how cool it would be if like a food was healthy instead of unhealthy.

Like if you know that question, like if you could choose one food that was like eating good for you, broccoli. Right. What would you choose? Yeah, it's like, oh, maybe I would choose like macaroni and cheese or pizza or something. But like, it seems like that is, that's what,

you're ripped. Yeah. Well, Oreos are spinach to you. A girl actually made that deal with the devil. But where are you paying it off? Are you going to die early? I often say I'm going to wake up one day before 120 pounds. And you'll be like, oh, it happened today.

Like all events finally arrive today. Because you're also like 2% body fat. Yeah. So it doesn't quite make sense. You're not like running a half marathon every day. No, but I am working out a lot and sweating a lot first thing in the morning. I see. So that's a good tip. If nothing out, that is the tip.

It's not a diet tip, but if you can just burn like so many calories early, then anything you eat is just going to be refilling it. And so you're definitely eating more than you're burning. You're burning like at most a thousand and those Oreos sound like real. You're also, you're a freak of nature, but there is a kernel of truth in what Billy says. I think if you work out in the morning, all right, so if you wake up late, you just get started with your day,

and you're like, I'm gonna work out later tonight. Later tonight, all day you're making micro decisions that are pushing the working out further and further from actually happening. But if you wake up and work out, like you're not gonna have a cheeseburger for lunch because you wanna feel good. Yeah, totally.

And there's also the thing where it's like your body will tell you how hungry you should be after you work out. Like if I don't work out and then I eat, it's like I'm just trying to guess like am I full now? Like I wasn't exactly starving, am I full? But maybe I'll eat more until my bucket tells me I'm full But what I would have.

37 Oreos later. I guess I'll never be full. Honey, can you get another truck full of Oreos to the house? I don't know what it is. What does it feel like to be full for you? Light you feel like it starts to feel like boredom where you look at the food and you're like it's not as colorful and as fun as it was when I started So I think we're good here. You're never in pain. You're like, oh, I ate too much and I feel so lethargic and fat. No, well, I did an episode of Buckets after I ate five hot dogs at the Dodgers game.

And that made me feel sad. That keeps on me in like instant depression. Like when the fifth hot dog went in, I was like, now my mood has changed. Oh, that's so finally got to you. Right, it took five long. I mean, almost my body's height in processed dog. You eventually found your limit.

Yeah, and that wasn't just a hot dog. It's so far beyond anyone else. Yeah, really. It was like from ankle to ear in hot dog. But it wasn't just a hot dog, right? You put like stuff on. Oh, the crap. Yeah.

What are we talking? Cheese, relish, mustard, ketchup, all the crap. You sure you need dog sucks? Yeah, yeah, I like onion on the dog. Five cheese dogs you had. No, probably three, but you know, still good. All right, so my tip is to eat five cheese dogs. Yeah, about a lot of meat.

Like a lot of people take these keto diets or paleo diets and they're like, it's fine because I can still have a steak, which is like exciting. Right. So you can like just find the one thing that you don't mind eating. Have you guys done that? I'm for like a keto or something like that?

I haven't. I tried it for a little bit. Carbs for you. Did you like a crashed diet before your wedding? Or anything like that? You did? For a year before my wedding. Wow.

It's not considered a crash if it's a year. It's a diet. It's a slow crash. I've done a couple different kinds of weird diets. For a year before my wedding, I would only eat grains and carbs on Sunday. So like a cheat day. Monday through Saturday, I wouldn't even have like rice,

no sugar, no grain. Wow. But were you like red? Were you looking forward to meals or was it a sad thing? Were you like this sucks, but at least I'm getting through it. No, I mean, I started to like look forward to meals. There's like good stuff that you can have, but were you ever sad to miss out on the good stuff?

Um, I want to stretch now. Did you feel restricted? Interestingly, I was able to like recalibrate my brain to be like, that looks really good. I'm gonna have that on Sunday. No, that's what Sunday's gonna be. Yeah, and then like sometimes Sunday would come and I didn't even what Sunday's gonna be. Yeah, so you push that to Sunday. Sometimes Sunday would come and I didn't even want

like the fucking crazy cheeseburger. A lot of times I did, but I also like, I lost too much weight. I was like too skinny on my wedding and I did not like it. Oh, now I want to fucking mess up. Really? Yeah, bro. I should go on the billi diet.

I should, 60 boxes a week later. I'm a Oreo. Your wife's like, turns out I don't want to marry you again. That's turns out. You've changed. Is it shallow to say I wanted to know that you've gained weight? Yes.

You are going to have to gain weight, right? There's no, no, not necessarily. I have no, there's nothing, there's nothing that let's me. People throw out words like metabolism. Right. And genetics.

Do you think there's an actual truth for this thing? It's Bill is 58 and he's still a child. Right. And genetics. Right. Do you think there's an actual truth for this thing? Bill is 58 and he's still a child. Right. Right. It's coming out of you somehow. It's like a... I wish I could answer it. I'd love it.

To inspect your excrement if I could. Yes, by all means. Yeah, you're a regular guy. Yeah, I'll crap downstairs. For you guys? Yeah, I'll crap downstairs. Have you ever had food poisoning? I have.

A couple times. Once right before going to the Sahara Desert, if this was an hour long podcast, there would be a very fun story to tell. Wow. Right. But I got food poisoning right before going to the Sahara Desert, if this was an hour long podcast, there would be a very fun story to tell. Wow. But I got food poisoning right before we got the camels. She said that. And they told me that if you had gotten sick in the desert, you're dead.

Because there's no, we can't get you out of there nearly fast enough. There's no helicopter. We're in Morocco. And you're so dehydrated. Oh my God. Yeah, so I was lucky. Okay.

Okay, next question. So that's my tip. Yeah. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you're always sitting in lucky. Okay. Okay, next question. So that's my tip. Yeah. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want.

As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want.

As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much as you want. As much a freak. Yeah, I'll take it. This episode of segments is brought to you by See the Thing is. Ooh, very nice. Another podcast.

See the Thing is, is a podcast hosted by Grammy award winning R&B artist Bridget Kelly and podcast trailblazer Mandy B. Yes. They wax and wane in the stahlgic. They talk about political stuff, pop culture stuff, hot relationship takes. Nice. They have toxic political stuff, pop culture stuff, hot relationship takes. They have toxic segments and non-toxic segments.

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Rocketmoney.com slash segments. Sackments. Thank you, rocketmoney. Yeah. Thank you to Athletic Greens for sponsoring this episode of our show. Damn, right. Thank you to Athletic Greens for sponsoring this episode of our show. Damn right. Thank you AG. I don't know if you're in the market for, I don't know, better gut health increased energy immune system support. Always. Yes. Now if you want those things and more and you hate taking pills and vitamins, try to swallow them whole before better in the morning. AG1 has got you covered.

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You got a name for this California kid? Oh yeah. Kid Capri. That's cool. Kid Capri from Beastie Boys. No, but he's also a DJ. 18 going on 19 college student California my birthday is coming up and I don't have anything planned but I think some of my friends might be secretly planning a surprise party for me. Oh, because that's the sort of thing that we do for each other. Here's the issue. Yeah, the surprises. I hate birthdays and I hate parties. Is there any safe way to let everyone know that I'm not interested in celebrating my day is a social media PSA acceptable?

Like, by the way, on Facebook, don't celebrate me. No. Super transparent. This dude obviously loves surprises and birthdays and everything. He wrote an email about it. That is a common thing where you guys, like I don't like birthdays, but they do kind of like birthdays. And then some people actually don't like their birthdays. Right. So it's hard to parse which one this guy is. So the question is, should he post something on social media saying,

don't celebrate me? Or will that just cause people to surprise him? I don't think that will cause any surprises. Like that will definitely kill the surprise party, but also make you look like a kind of cramuginly asshole to go through. So you have to go through it. You have to go through it. No, you go what you do. There's like a nice clear answer here. Right.

This way. You go, you go right to your best friend, the person that you're closest with who you think is planning the party and you just level with them. You say, Hey, I don't want to do this. Right. Like find a way to call it off. You keep in a real with you right now. Yeah. Right. And then he's like, we weren't planning a surprise party. Yeah, that's satisfying. Really?

Plan more than cancel it? Just plan one and cancel it, please. Yeah, do you guys want not like surprise parties or two ever had one thrown for you? I've never had one thrown for me. Oh wow. I wouldn't mind it. It's fun.

I've had it. Oh wait, shall we? I thought that I did have a surprise party, but then I realized that we faked a surprise party for a Jake and a Mirror video. I was having a real party. You've experienced a surprise party. I just remembered I don't like parties. I just did in a video once.

It was like one of the very first, it was like the first year we were doing Jake and a Mirror. We threw you a fake surprise party. Yeah, it was like, I forget, I'm not having a birthday party, and then it turns into, there's a surprise party. Oh. But what we did was just had an actual party,

and then had all of our friends yell surprise. Yeah, exactly. That works. Cool. So yeah, I got a surprise. I got the emotional. Yeah, totally. Right.

Have you been surprised? No. Excuse me, a couple years ago, Marina. You just coughed an Oreo up. Right, I'll sleeve the plastic wrapper. These are shoves it back down. Double stuff, too, right? You ate the boss.

So that's like four regular sleeves of stuffing. I wouldn't say there's exactly a double Oreo. We're gonna do another podcast about Billy's diet. And not just like another episode, but like in a title like a series. I'll add me into that, there we go. It's good for my sleeve of podcasts, 20 episodes. Speaking of how much I eat for a birthday party,

it's a prize party, a couple of years ago, Marina, on my birthday, I woke up and she had a card and a knife. She gave me a card and a knife. Whoa. And on the card. That's scary or cool. It's cool, I trust my wife. What are you doing, babe?

She opens it up, you're dead. It said, on the card, I'm Pat, my year Tom, and she handed me the knife, and she said, meet me at this location. It was her parents' house in like five hours, and she bounced. Whoa. So she alluded to that something was about to happen.

That's good. I put the pieces together, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. When I got there, all of my friends were you guys there? I was not there. I got the invite I was traveling. Okay. Where in her backyard. I would the invite I was traveling. Okay, we're in her backyard. I would have been there, man. It was great.

And top chef, the television show Top Chef, was waiting for me. Does it sound good? We had 16 chef stations, two friends at each station. Is everyone making sandwiches? Italian sandwiches. Italian heroes. Marina had gotten X hundreds of dollars worth

of Italian cold cuts and toppings and breads and anything you could imagine. Wow. And we had a quick fire challenge. We had eliminations. We had chefs explaining their concoctions. Then we had the head-to-head at the end. It was role play.

It was completely role play. Everyone took it super seriously. I was Tom. I was asking questions. This was my surprise party. That's great. It was so much fun. So who won?

And what was the sandwich? I believe Clayton, early and Mike Daly of Harvard's Sailing Team won. I can't remember what it was, but the final challenge, it was a head to head, and you had to make a sandwich in a spoon, one by hole, like all the components where I would take one bite of the spoon, and I would say who had made the better sandwich.

This is the third round. And so they got really creative with it. And I remember Clayton and Mike beat, maybe he was Rachel Bloom and Gregor. I can't remember exactly who, but it was like a really competitive thing, and they won with Prishut and Riccata and an Italian. Wow.

Yeah, it was really fun though. But did you eat too much that day? Did you feel sick? No. Because you had a sandwich, you ate too many sandwiches. First of all, that was the day where you did, but the perfect sandwich is two Oreo cookies with a bunch of cream in it.

What is your perfect sandwich though? Because sometimes I see it on Instagram and it is just divine. Oh yeah, my Heikens sandwich. Yeah, my trademark, yeah, it's copyrighted. And I will see anyone who uses it. But it's just peanut butter, banana, chocolate chips. Oh, really?

Yeah. No jelly. Are you not a jelly guy? I could fuck with jelly, but not on this sandwich. It's perfect the way it is. Because the banana is sort of like, is it jelly, but it not a jelly guy? I could fuck with jelly, but not on this sandwich. It's perfect the way it is. Because the banana is sort of like, is it jelly, but it's a little less messy. It gives you that fruit.

And peanut butter and bananas, like the best. Yeah, no honey. No honey drizzle? We've done some honey, but I don't feel that it needs it. Avocado. You put an avocado or salty guac tuna in the sandwich with the banana. Banana avocado. Salty guac tuna. Little guac. Salty guac tuna in the sandwich with the banana. Banana avocado, guac tuna.

Little guac. Salty guac tuna sounds good, but that's what's on sandwich, Panna. You just want to have chocolate? Yeah, no. Peanut butter. Peanut butter and fish. Tuna?

I've never had peanut butter with fish, like salmon with peanut butter and jelly. Banana. And it's making me ill to think of it. On a tortilla, but it's like a great journey. It's like you're on the bite of the building party. Grape, grape fruit by the foot. Instead of beef jerky.

It's a beer's bad cop. Where I'm asking you the further questions that a beer job said, you ever have tuna with peanut butter kid? Why aren't we doing that? But peanut butter and sushi, you're listening at home, go for it. We put cream cheese with fucking salmon.

That's really bad. Nothing is worse than Philadelphia rolls. Oh yeah, let's talk about that. I think they're right. You don't like cheese in sushi. How did they get there? I have no idea. Like how did they like cheese?

Like cream cheese. It's cream cheese. I must be a Philadelphia. I could imagine like some cheese in sushi. Like there's a world where it could work, but it's not cream cheese. I could have sushi in just. What's the ideal cheese to add to sushi? American. Nelted American cheese to add to sushi? American.

Melton American cheese. Melton. Graff singles. Melton American would be better than a Philadelphia role. What's that? Not a lot of melted cheese in Chinese culture. Yeah, Asian food doesn't really have cheese. Yeah.

Yeah, no, there does. Coatija. Coatija, yeah. Yeah, that's a crumbly salty stuff. Yeah, that's like a little, a little, a little for flavor. Maybe that's it. If you were to say, what was the original question from this, I would have no idea. I don't know.

I didn't want to have a surprise party. And we're yelling at him not to put cheese on sushi. You know, every single time we get together, we talk about cheese and fish. It's the funny, it's right. The layoff fish. What the hell is happening? All right, well.

It is called the Philadelphia roll, right? Right. It's called the layoff fish right? It's called a California Fish Roll. It's a cream cheese company made that sushi. And now everything has to use that. Oh, it's got to be a marketing thing. Interesting. Yeah, I got nothing. Interesting.

I totally forgot that Philadelphia was a brand of cream cheese. And I thought it was just like a, like a popular sushi roll and filly. Yeah. I didn't put that together, right? No, very nice. Thank God I'm here. So he, he definitely loves surprise parties. and Phil and I didn't put that together, right? Very nice. Thank God I'm here.

So he definitely loves surprise parties. So I would say that, here's how I'm reading this guy. Can I be honest? Sorry, that's a very threatening thing. This guy loves his birthday and loves surprises, even though he says that he doesn't. This is my read. So much so that he thinks that his friends are behind the scenes

planning this party for him and he's like getting really amped up about it. Now he's getting so excited that he wants to make a post saying, don't do that even though we know. He's only served to heighten the surprise. Exactly. This is all for him. And now he went so far as say like,

maybe that's not even far enough. I'm going to email my two favorite comedians and tell them that I'm planning on doing this because he wants to extend this reality as much as he can. How good will a surprise be if we show up? If he's like so vehemently against the surprise, he's got to be so sure there won't be a surprise party.

And then ultimate surprise. Because if you're sort of expecting a surprise party, you're like, oh, like I can't have a fucking genuine surprise. Right, but if you're like posting on social media, no party, right to us, we're like, no party. There's no fucking no party. No party. No party.

Everyone's chanting as he walks into a bar, and then they all sprint away. I got what I wanted. Who's more annoying? The person who loves their birthday and makes the biggest deal, like a week long countdown, are the guy that's like, fuck birthdays. don't celebrate mine, don't give me anything. Good call.

They're both annoying. Yeah. I think that I would prefer hanging with a person that likes their birthday though. Oh, interesting. Because I can like get on board with a celebration. Yeah, I feel that. But if it's, I don't like the, it's my birthday week. Yeah.

That's, that's a loving. I would say that's a loving birthday, worse than hating birthday. Because hating birthdays less pressure on me, I don't have to do anything. But I always find that people that love birthdays love their birthday and everyone's birthday. It's good call. They just like birthdays in general,

which I think is nice. That's a type. Yeah, right. Totally. The celebratory. Those who are celebratory, love a reason. They love costumes too. This is your day. Yeah, we're gonna get dressed up. We're gonna do Those who are celebratory, loveries. They love costumes too.

This is your day. Yeah, we're gonna get dressed up. We're gonna do something. And I could get into that. How's it? Do you wear costumes to birthday parties? No, but I feel like it's the same gene. Okay. They're love Halloween.

Yes, love Halloween. If you love your birthday, you love Halloween. You're a type. That's right. There's a lane where you love all of these things. What are you more one than the other? Would you prefer to hang out with one than the other? I'm definitely not, oh, myself, I'm not a,

I love birthdays, I'm a big birthday guy. I would prefer to hang out with somebody who loves birthdays. Why not? What's wrong with a little positivity in your life? You gotta do shit. I don't, I don't like that. No, you don't, that's the thing. You don't have to prefer that.

It's their birthday. Otherwise they're gonna be bummed out. You have to just have to show up. You don't have to, like, I don't think anybody at RH is expecting like gifts and cards. Right, I anybody at RH is expecting gifts and cards. Right. I feel like 15 years ago, it was gifts and cards. Now it's like a link.

Here's a funny YouTube video. Yeah. How funny, Link. That's the best of you. I used to give people gifts. Now I give links. That's a fact. Yeah.

Facts. You used to give cuff links. Now you give you two links. Link links. Yeah. You used to give gifts. Now you give gifts. Nice.

Nice. Anything else? Just like in this motif, you used to give gifts now you give gifts nice nice anything else what just like in this motif You used to give this now you give that no I've run out of funny jokes. That's cool shit. Give me like 30 seconds Yeah, sorry used to give gifts you said right I said gives yeah Something like sites arties. How does jib-jab work into the jpeg? Yeah, there's the jib-jab You used to give hyperlink. You used to have hyper. You used to give gift bags. Now we give Gip-Japs.

Gip-Japs. Just to give gift bags. Now we give Gip-Japs. Gip-Jab, of course, being the animated card company. Yeah, you guys are giving it a Gip-Jab in a while? Yo, Gip-Jab is funny. Still? I hate to admit it. it's funny, really funny.

You don't hate doing a minute, you love it. I love to admit it. I love to admit it. I love to admit it. Jim Jam is funny. You're like putting your face on an L. Guys, yes, and it's funny, dude. It's funny, it's funny.

It's funny, it's funny. I know that we're conditioned to be like, no, we did that when we were 10. It's still really funny. Is it just L, still, or are they? Now they're doing other things? So now we have tears. Okay. For like $1.99 you can get like some cool

like living levita loco. Oh, those cool. Like some like sexy salsa dances. High end jabs. You're still getting free elves. The elves are just like, those come around. Don't even need an account.

I think it might be a year out now. Wow. I don't even think they care about the elf Christmas relationship. Yeah, they're just like girls. Okay, we gotta get to the one last question we'll have around at a time. Used to give gift bags, now I give jib jabs.

Okay, that's fine. At the ring. He makes that master mic. Tennis pro, we'll call this guy. Ten of hearts. So any tennis names come up and it's ten of hearts. Ten of hearts. So any tennis names come up and it's 10 of hearts. 10 of hearts? Yeah, like the card, the playing card, 10 of hearts.

Yes. All right. You seem like you've never heard of this term before. I was sort of like setting you up to like just say any tennis player. You said, it's a big card. Yeah, and not even a person. Well, not like the jack of space.

Well, the card is an ace, which is interesting. He didn't say ace. He said 10. It was a long road. It was a 10, tennis as a tennis and then hearts as in love. It's logic. It's logic, man. Love is nothing in tennis.

I'm quite excited next to Jake. It's kind of hearts, right? Right. Tennis is basically cards. There's so many of the same things. I completely agree with Jake. Yeah. Love to the show and the advice. I've gotten into with Jake. Yeah. Love to show it.

There's a show in the advice. I've gotten into tennis with my boyfriend. We're both 22. He's a very overconfident person, which I love and hate. So he pretends to be better than he is. On a daily basis, this fucker will hit our balls into other people's courts.

And today he hit three balls over a 10 foot fence. I love him, but his shitty tennis skills are starting to annoy me. How can I approach him about how bad he is without sounding like a bitch? PS, I'm not by any means an expert, but I am sick of having to apologize to other people for my boyfriend throwing balls onto another court. It's not hard. Much love.

He's ten of hearts. What? I think tennis is a sport for you. Yeah, first of all, what the hell? Do you play tennis? Yes. Are you good? I'm fine. There's good tennis players. Yeah. Who wouldn't like? Do you play tennis? Yes. Are you good?

I'm fine. There's good tennis players. Yeah. Who wouldn't like to do the real serve? Yeah. You know, I do like the, just to try and get it in the box. Yeah, you're trying to hit the box. Yeah, there's that guy who's like trying to do the,

yeah, sounds like maybe her boyfriend's that guy. But he's missing a lot. Yeah. Sending the ball. Home runs over the fence. Yeah, there's, like I grew up with guys that would just send it over the fence. You know, like we're playing tennis and then they would just hit a home run to left field.

I wonder if he's that guy. On purpose? Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah, you can tell him to stop. But I think it sounds like he's just not good with name. But she kept saying that over confident, like he's confident and he like,

he'd like talk shit a little bit or something to me. There's like, those all can sometimes be in the same cocktail of like dipshit. Yeah. Where it's just like I like to act big and grigarious me. There's like, those all can sometimes be in the same cocktail of like dipshit. Yeah. Where it's just like I like to act big and grigarious. Or he's trying to hit it very hard. And sometimes if your aim is off, fly's off. Are you guys just trying to volley?

Because if they're just trying to volley, he needs to turn the dial down to like three. What you gotta do is start with mini tennis, which is just the boxes. Just the boxes. And then it's a nice little warm up. Wait, what's mini tennis? It's just where you play on the service line.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, just like a nice little way to. Wait, what's mini tennis? It's just where you play on the service line. Oh, that's nice Yeah, just like a nice little way to get your double-zallie in addition or well It's not even like you're not even really playing playing but yeah, I guess actually you could you could play that double-zallies would not take the net down Well, you keep in the net up for the mini tennis You're going to the side to side. Yeah, the net is so go to the park and take the net down Still using the racket in this case many tennis obviously You're using like a little racket use a regular size racket balls Normal size balls not all anything is the same except you play a little closer

Yeah, yeah, I think just the playing field is a little smaller. Yeah, but you have to play against some sort of little person No, you don't yes You're a two and you're we're twisted fucking perverted logic. Wait, so sorry. Now you're coming at me. So what should this person do? I mean, it's not like she kind of likes it. Am I wrong in saying that to she like, she acknowledges that she is this gregarious boyfriend. He waxed it all over. She called him a shithead. What was like the term of an airman she used? Uh, shitty tennis skills without sounding like a bitch. Without sounding like a bitch. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like Billy is a Billy's

Theme here has just been reading between the lines The people who wrote in that they actually do want what they did. Yeah, and it's true I think that's true about most of the things they complain about. Yeah, we actually like it Yeah, exactly, but it's like we can't acknowledge it yet So it's like I'll frame this as a complaint and the passion exactly wants to be like fuck you You're about a tennis. Yeah, I want like, fuck you, you're about a tennis. She wants to hear, fuck you, I'm awesome at tennis. Oh really?

And then they call me home and they have like super hard sex. I think all of that is actually true. This is like when I sprained my ankle and you're like, I bet you fucking like it. I'm like, I can't walk, it really, really hurts. Can you please help me? You're like, no, I bet you fucking get off to the shit. Enjoy that shit down there.

It's really swollen, Billy. I think I broke a fucking bone. Yeah. I reversed my car over his ankle. I think I broke a fucking bone. Yeah. I reversed my car over his ankle. I'm any likes like this. I definitely like it. I guess the theme of my advice today is just to acknowledge all of these things

that everyone seems to be suppressing. Yeah, a lot of it is just quiet emotions. I hope people understand. Yeah, what should I do about this thing that's like really on my mind and like low key, I think I like it. I think you should acknowledge it. EGNOLOGY. Right, that's like really on my mind and like low-key, I think I like it. That's true. I think you should acknowledge it.

I acknowledge it. Right. That's a good overarching theme. I can almost say that for any question. And we will starting now. You've ruined the podcast. It was a good one. I'm happy to be here.

Perfect way to end it. Sure. Forever. I guess. Thank you so much for coming on. Is there anything you want to promote before we leave? There's only one thing I want to promote. Okay. Because I want to promote.

Okay. Is it couch? No. I've already promoted that as well. Okay. I have a Venmo account. Oh, I have a Venmo account. A lot of people, Jake, I don't think I've ever done this deal.

A lot of people come on their friends shows and they promote their Twitter and Instagram. Yeah. Boring. We've done that. We've seen that. Social media in general. So you want people to request money from you?

No, no, the opposite. I want to just send me money. A tip jar of sorts. A tip jar of sorts. Did you like what you see? It's almost like street art. Exactly. You like street art.

I'm street art title. Let me know. If you like that, give Billio Bucke. $0.50 a dollar, $2. That's right. My handle is at William Hyphen's Cafuri. Is this my camera? Yeah.

At William Hyphen's C-A-F-U-R-I, What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this?

What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? What's the most important thing to do with this? over a thousand people have done that before. Yeah. A few people. A few real people. Wow, that's amazing. That's cool. That's amazing. Yeah. Fuck, I kind of want to give my Venmo.

No. No. Billiards and bucks. Why not? We might as well, right? No. They're not going to do it with that as a whole. I have PayPal.

What's your Venmo? I don't want the cash. Let's all say our Venmo's on the count of three. OK. One, two, three. Atchames, curries. Knock it three. Okay. One, two, three. At James Curve. Not at all. What?

Thanks for watching, everybody. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I want to do. If only I were you, sharp dot com. That was a hit-dum-a-riginal.