If I Were You - Bonus: Funky Toenail (2019)

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

In this episode we discuss our grandparents, our feet, and our weddings.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Ready? Yeah. Songs over.

You were like still dancing in this really jovial fashion. Let's get down to brass tacks. I'm not saying like Get Dead Severeous Like be super sober and like All judge like about it I'm just saying that like it was I was just saying we have a Job to do

And I'm I was ready to do the job and then you were like I'm eager to do it You weren't that eager because you were dancing past when the song was finished For me there's no difference between me getting shit done now And like my great grandfather being a blacksmith I'm at work and I have shit to do So I'm going to put my head down

and whether I'm funny or not your great grandfather it doesn't fucking matter to me. You made a product. You have a fucking Patreon. You coward. You loser.

You Jew ass. And you Jewess. Thank you so much for watching our Patreon bonus video version of this year podcast, if I were you. It's a video version of our weekly advice show

which is available for free everywhere. We're now biweekly. if you subscribe. That's right. Biweekly is twice a week or every other week? Yeah, and bi-monthly is twice a month or every other month. Insane.

We should... There's got to be a better way. Have figured it out. America. And this is what it is. Okay. Bi-monthly is every other month. And if you want to do something twice a month, we'll call it die monthly.

Why die? Because it's like... Oh, no. Oh, my God. That was half real. Never mind. It's fine. Jesus.

A truth came out. For what seemed like a second here, but an eon in my mind, I was attacked by the ghost of a dictionary. A ghost of your great-grandfather, the blacksmith. And I learned and forgot everything, 30 times over. I made a lock with him. I made a lotka with him. So let's keep it as is, and we'll just, bi-monthly can mean either.

It's fine. You can figure it out with context, or you can ask a follow-up question. And blacksmithing is a harder job than doing Patreon. Well, anybody can hit a hammer against a horseshoe. Right. Well, they can hit a hammer against a horseshoe, yes, but not anybody can hit iron and make a horseshoe.

Well, I don't want it to be too hot in the room when it happens. I don't want to inhale the smoke. It's actually really hot here. I think that anyone can do is have friends roll a camera. Oh, did you really just... My shoulder hurt when I went like that. You were waving away

faux smoke. Smoke? Oh, I'll literally think the smoke. God, the bones popping out. All right. Your great-grandfather was also a bad blacksmith. He was also a podcast. died last year.

All right, this is an email from a Canadian. And she actually provided us with a picture. Oh. So we'll call her. Amelia Earhart, who took many photos. That's not true. She was practically famous for this shit. That's absurd.

We can show the... Historically inaccurate. We can show the photo as I read it. Here we go. I'm a longtime fan, and I was wondering if you can give me some advice on what to do with my toenails. So I've had this long-standing issue with my big toenails. I've been to doctors and podiatrists about it, on and off meds, and the problem remains. Basically, the issue is that there was a disruption in the nail bed

so that the nail growth got messed up and they don't grow properly. As you can likely imagine, imagine, they look pretty messed up and frankly kind of disgusting. Recently, I got a professional strength electric nail file and I try to shave away

some of the horrifying nail. The problem is that recently, after shaving the nail, I went too far and I noticed a hole right in the middle of one of the nails. Oh! Like a little mushroom.

I'm a little disturbed now. with the sight of my own nail and I don't know what to do. So my question is, for you, is should I get the nail surgically removed entirely and never ever wear sandals again or leave them with a gross hole in one and do nothing? I've attached a picture of the nail with a mushroom-shaped hole to better inform your advice giving. But I will advise that it is not a pleasant image. So if you are squeamish or easily grossed out or maybe leave that file unopened

and believe me when I say it's disturbing to look at. So we're going to show it on this Patreon. There's a video. I don't want to look at that. And you can, I won't show it to you, but you can close your eyes. So when I'm counting to three, we'll superimpose the image so people can look if they want and not if they don't. Okay, ready? I'm going to count to three.

It'll be five seconds long. We'll leave it up there for five seconds. So I'll say one, two, three, and then it'll show it during four, five, six, and then it'll disappear. Oh, only two seconds. The countdown is a warning. Right. And then a three-second image. All right, ready?

Yep. One, two, three, four, five, six. Okay. And now it's back. I didn't even see the photo and I just felt squeamish imagining it. So would you rather have a nasty toenail or no toenail at all? I do want to see the toenail. All right, here we go.

Okay. It's gray, it's thick, and it has a hole in the middle. I mean, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Yeah. Why doesn't she just paint it? Because there's a hole in it, I guess, and it's shaped weirdly. The hole seems like it's... I don't know enough about nail beds, but I feel like the hole's going to get filled in.

Eventually? I don't know if the nail is dead. I've lost toenails plenty of times. You've lost toenails, haven't you? Yeah, like when you drop something on it, then it turns black and blue, and then it eventually falls off. Yeah. But the big toe? Yeah, I've lost a big toenail.

So would you rather have no big toe nail or a funky big toe nail? Probably no big toe nail Because then you get a fresh start That's good But what if the nail will never grow back? If the nail is never going to grow back Then I'd probably want no nail Rather than have like the dead nail on top

Yeah What about acrylic nails? Did your mom ever have that The fake nails were like a cliquity clacked against like No and I know you have a big aversion to those Yeah But couldn't she do something like that on her toenails Like a fake nail on top of her nail?

Yeah it seems like you probably could I feel like you just go to a pedicurist to be like, hide this. Help me. Yeah, they would be able to figure it out. It's probably a step above pedicurist. This seems like a podiatrist issue. Right.

But like the thing is, she hasn't said anything about the pain. Yeah, no pain. So it seems like it almost could be a pedicurist issue because it's a cosmetic thing. She wants to know whether she should have it removed entirely or leave it with a gross hole. I'd probably notice less no toenail than gross toenail. plus hole. Yeah. I think we're talking like just,

yeah, in terms of like what you notice. Yeah. Can you paint the toe nub if there's no nail there? So still a paint. You can paint anything. Yeah, you'd paint it. You can paint anything? Yeah, you can paint anything.

Can you paint this? Yes, it's your finger. It's your middle finger. It's a rude thing to do, but yes, you could paint it. Okay. You definitely paint it. I was going to be like, have you gotten paint on your finger? Well, then paint this if you said.

Right. Well, I can, yeah. Really. Right. Have you ever painted anything? It's a paint on you? What? You can't paint my love for you.

You could paint like a representation of it. Really? Yeah, people paint photos or pictures of us all the time. People like drop that. Drop stuff. You can't paint like a fucking huge ass house. I mean, of course you can. Yeah, over time.

It has to be. Yeah. Because otherwise it's just a house that's unpainted. How often you see unpainted houses? All right, all right. I'm just talking out loud. I'm not saying I'm right or wrong. You are just talking out loud.

You're talking out loud. I'm just saying, let's figure this out together. Why don't you figure it out by yourself? Okay, that's interesting. Because I don't need to be part of this. Could you paint a piece of wood so big and thick? This really feels akin to a big ass house. Yeah, I was going to say like this big ass fucking wooden house.

It's one thing that we established you can absolutely paint and people most often do. Right, I get that. So remove the toe now? I'd go removal of the toe. But would you put it... Not even the NL. The toe has got to go. And why stop there?

Fruit by the foot? No. You have a fruit by the nub. Oh, yeah. A peg leg that ends at the knee for you and me. Remove an appendage the size of a baseball bat, starting at your thigh and going splat, splat, splat, splat. Hell, why don't we start at the thigh and go up? I'm talking for the rest of your life

You're just a goddamn foot Yeah What We sort of separate her like she's Siamese twins Knee cap up Is Amelia She's her old Quirky Self

Filing away She's got a filing problem She's overthinking everything This is Amelia Yeah And then the other Is Amelia 2.0 The knee, the shin

the foot, the toe, the nail. She's taking the world by storm. She's Amelia's old foot. That's good. So like, you know Courtney, the name? Yeah. This is Just Knee. It's just the knee.

Yeah. So Just Knee is like, kind of a fun person to have around because it's just like a foot. Yeah, it's a foot. Yeah. But like you really want Amelia there too to help run interference. They don't have to be together all the time. No. And ideally they would take some time apart.

So you have your leg removed and you carry it around in a bag. So you're still all there. Yeah, the bag is like filled to the brim with like a vasling or a gel, like a gel type substance. It could also be like, what do you, how do you pickle stuff? Do you leave it in water or wine? Yeah, water and salt. Okay, so like she could brine her knee, her shin, her foot, the toes.

So final, yeah, final bit of advice. You tourniquette, the, the leg above the knee, tight, tot, with a rubber or like a rubber piping. Yeah. You can't. You cauterize it. Exactly.

And then you stand, you put that dead, now dead foot into a tub of salt water with a little bit of acid, a little bit of brine. And that'll slowly start to eat away at the skin, but you turnic it,

so from the knee up, that's a different person. Right. And it'll eventually just, that tourniquet will get tighter and tighter and tighter down to the bone, which will soften into the brine, and then it'll come off almost like you're ripping

paper. And then someday you'll, you'll, like, have somebody, like a secret admirer. Oh, that's funny. That's cute. Like a, like a Valentine's card. That's cute. And he'd be brine. That's good.

Meanwhile, you're bleeding out, right? Right, because that's a tourniquet. Yeah, it couldn't hold. You really need to do that. You're not a doctor. That's insane. Tell me again about the Valentine's. Oh, I was going to say, won't you be behind?

That's good. That's cute. That's a nice way to end it. Yeah. She's bleeding out. She's passed out. That's why I said, way to end it because it's over. It's over for her.

All for a toe. The foot is gone. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. You could do acrylic also. For the nail. Or even just paint the nub. The nub. Yeah. The nub. I think the hole is probably small enough that the paint will do. What is it good for? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. It keeps infection away from the foot.

Huh? Yeah. The tone ill acts almost like... Say it again. Yeah, there's like a shield. That's like yeah, it's like an enamel layer that everything serves an evolutionary purpose. So like a lot of times you'll get hit and it sort of protects a very nerve-filled appendage

of your body so that it like provides not only shielding but housing in case it gets wet or infected. The species without the nails died off obviously because they were more prone to these diseases. And so the nail which is still probably very necessary today acts almost like as a buffer

between you and the outside because you said absolutely nothing but it's actually incredibly important to have nails what are they good for you yeah no I'm telling you absolutely nothing it's a lot it's like imagine wearing a helmet I'll sing it again I'll sing it again so you don't have to say it again

but I was just doing like because of the song a joke yeah they're actually really no yeah absolutely everything right yeah I didn't realize that so that's why I did the song just trying to get that Let us know what you end up doing. I'm really curious about this toenail. Yeah, me too. But don't worry about it.

A lot of people won't even see your toenail. Oh, yeah, as long as it doesn't hurt. I think that's fine. Yeah. The HeadGum podcast is coming to San Francisco Sketchfest. January 18th, Amir's birthday, hosted by Jeffrey James, with special guest, Jake Hurwitz, Amir Blumenfeld, Riley Anspa, Ali, Khan, and of course, Anya Zero.

Go ahead and get your tickets over at sfskest.com. We'll see you out there. Stay classy, San Francisco. Kind of like an anchorman. Stay classic. I said your name twice. Yeah, Ron Burgundy says, stay classy. San Diego, I think.

Yeah. But it's kind of like, I don't know, I did my own little spin. It's not your own because it's just plagiarizing the movie, but then quoting you wrong. Yeah. Right. Well, I'm curious. There's something there for. But this is it.

This is the final ad. Okay. Yeah. All right. Ooh. This guy is a nice Jewish boy. We'll call Schmuel. Schmuel rights.

I've gotten myself into a sticky situation. I will be traveling to London soon and will meet a few friends there. I am an American and I'll be meeting an Israeli, a few Brits, and an Irishman. The Israeli and I will be staying out of British girls' house. However, this is where the situation gets tricky. I accidentally slept with the British girl over a... A binger, sorry, after a binger over the summer, about a week later, I got romantically involved with the Israeli. We're all in our 20s. We were all friends with each other, so I don't know who knows what.

Should I mention anything to anyone before our trip? How do I operate the situation without it potentially blowing up in my face? I don't actually want a three-way. I was just hoping for that to be an attention grabber, because the subject lines is a London three-way. Oh, got it. I really like the Israeli, and I want to see how long I can take the, this long distance thing before maybe closing the distance someday. Also, anywhere cool I should go in London, your favorite nice Jewish boy, Shmuel. Okay. So he's going on this trip with two ladies there that he's hooked up with, but he doesn't know if they know about the hooking up situation.

I guess if they're all friends, then they do know. Oh, you think they know already? I think they might know. But I also think it's fine. The only time it could really bite you in the ass is if you're a... like actually doing that trying to have a three-way thing and you're just like I'm just trying to fuck them both then you're bad but if you're like I slept with this one when I was drunk one time but I like the this girl and that's what I'm going to visit your intentions are pure how do you

navigate like if you're with a current lover and you run into an ex lover and do you just say oh that was a friend oh that was nothing do you not say anything does it come up naturally if you're at a party and there's three people there do you point it out do you not say anything at all if they ask you about it because it's kind of weird. Do you fess up? Do you just lie about it? Yeah. I do all of those things. It runs the gamut. Sometimes you lie. Sometimes you tell the truth.

I do whatever, like, is the less mean thing to do to the person I want to hurt the least. Yeah. Like, do they want to know that you hooked up with someone else at that party? Yeah. Like, if it's like a big house party and somebody says hi and they walk away and they're like, how do you know that girl? Like, I feel like saying that's my ex-girlfriend is just as like, it's basically the same as being like, it's an old, like, oh, it's just somebody that I know.

How do you know that person always seems so like you think something's up? How do you know that person? It's never just like a casual. How do you know that person? But then like, so that's like, if it's a big party, somebody's like, how do you know that person? I don't know. They're just like a friend of a friend, whatever. Because then it's like the party could be weird the rest of the time.

early on you're like, that's my ex. Yeah. Then nobody has having any fun. But if somebody was like contacting me, asking to like get a drink, like, who is this person? I would probably be like, this is my ex. I don't know what they're doing. Don't worry. I won't see them.

Or talk about it if you want to see them or something. You can tell the truth if there's like, if there's merit to it. If you feel like the information helps. Sometimes I've gotten like dug myself in a hole like, oh, that's nobody. It's a friend of a. a friend and then they find out later that I like had slept with them or something. It's like, then why did you lie about it? Now it's a bigger deal than it ever was. Yeah, that does happen. But it's also like, you didn't ask me if I slept with them. You asked me how I knew them.

They were a friend of a friend. That's really good. And then when you said, did you sleep with them? I said, no, we didn't sleep. We just had an amazing nightstand. That's the worst answer. If your girlfriend says, Did you sleep with her? Like, well, we didn't sleep. We were up all night, thong. I had food poisoning after a date, and she helped me with my diarrhea. I didn't get a wink. I didn't get a wink in edgewise.

So would you mention anything to this lady? If it's a trip with a shared house, it's not just a party. You're going to be there for a bit. I guess if it were me, I always err on the side of not telling him. anybody anything and asking for forgiveness later. That's good. That's what I do. Are there any lies that you tell yourself?

Oh, all the time. Of course. Like, this lie that I keep from somebody will be to their benefit. It would hurt them too much to know this thing. Yeah. And that's not something you genuinely believe. You just want to avoid the confrontation on the day in a way to that person. I don't know.

I think there's a gray area. Like, it is true that, like, if you cheated on somebody and you don't tell them because the information would hurt them, you're right, it would hurt them. But then also not telling them is bad, of course. Well, not telling them is interesting because it doesn't hurt them. So if you cheat on someone, you're then presented with these two options to tell them or to forget forever. and it's almost more beneficial and nice, I should say, to lie forever. Right? It would seem so.

This is me pleading with a police officer who caught me with a prostitute after my wedding day. Right. So I'm saying. So you're trying to get advice. I guess the reason you tell is because there's always the chance that it comes out another way. And then you're considered a little. liar. Then it's more hurtful.

The web of lies. The deceit. The deceit is hurtful on top of the cheat. The deceit in the cheat or the cheat and the truth. That's that's sort of the options. Once you've done the cheating. Of course. This is all having had. This is also not necessarily

the person asked for. Oh yes. I've just grown it into a larger question about morality. It is. It's very interesting. I feel like nobody tackles these issues, but us I think we're probably one of like, we're on the forefront of this kind of like I don't think anybody's even addressed cheating ever age. Yeah, I think that like us

are like millennial relationship, but like what if the new thing is just cheating and not telling? That's cool. And we were like, we were the first people to do that. We pioneered that. Advocated. Yeah. I can be like sort of like on the Mount Rush more of cheating. Because like that, Dan Savage

does like the Savage love cast. And his is like. And it like super Honest. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, influencing a generation of people. We could be at the forefront of dishonesty.

Yeah. I want to be the face of a dishonest man. So like a hurtful man. Like the mascot. The mascot for lying is what I want to be. Like a lion. Awesome. Ryan.

The lying lion. Well, I'm a Leo. So like Leo is a lion. That's cool. So you're Ryan. The Lion. I don't want to be Ryan. I don't want to be Ryan.

Lion. Ryan. The Lion, Lion, Lion? Yeah, and it's like, you're the face. What about Leon, the Lion, line? Because then it's like, it's better like... You're not a Leon. I'm sorry, like, no one's buying that.

Why am I not a Leon? You're a Ryan. So stop trying, all right? Okay. So Ryan the Lion, Lion. Yeah. He wants to avoid crying. He doesn't want to deal with sadness.

Doesn't like flying. Doesn't like crying. That's right. He can't be sad and he can't be in the air. His M.O., as it were, was to be a dishonest, nasty man of sorts. And that's sort of what we're pioneering here today. What we're pion, earing.

That's really good. Thank you. Okay. So if you ever, we should say if anyone has ever cheated on someone, you can always point to me or Ryan. The lion lion lion, the lion lion, doesn't like Ryan. As sort of your figurehead, the face, the body, the head of this new cool movement. in which dishonesty is the right policy.

Namaste. I see nothing wrong with this. Yeah, I think it could work. Yeah. Or not. Yeah. Whatever. No skin off my back.

I'm fine. Yeah. I think this guy should, I would not say anything, but err on the side of the feelings of the girl that you want to start the relationship with. That's cool. So, like, don't hide stuff from her. That's the only advice.

All right. Let's get into one last question. Shall we? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh, uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Right, racist wedding guest, uninvited. Sounds like you already made the right choice. We'll call this guy.

Unless this guy's the wedding guest that got uninvited. Just because I'm racist. I can't attend this. Deremony. Racist people call them racist. They don't say like, oh, I'm a little racist. Yeah. Is racist just our term for them?

Or do they proudly think that? No one. I feel like very, very, like, even the people that are like straight up in the KKK are they're not like, oh yeah, we're racist. That's like our thing. They're like, they view racism as like whatever their like truth is. Yeah. It's not racism if it's like.

If it's accurate. Yeah. I feel like even doing a bit about what their thoughts are is. We should have a racist on the show. No, we should never. Let's give him a platform, I should say. You're already on the show. And I'm only a little racist.

All right, we'll call this guy certi. Why? That's right, C-E-R-T-Y. Concerning the aforementioned wedding and the fact that Jake just had his wedding, I feel like you guys would be perfect to help me out with a sticky situation I'm in. My fiance and I recently sent our wedding invites out. We're getting married in Vegas, so a few days prior to the ceremony, we're going to have our Bachelor and Bachelorette parties.

Oh dear. Her cousins are organizing them, and they are coordinating with a guest. One of my friends said some really weird shit in a Bachelor Party group text. It was so weird, in fact, that her cousin said that he didn't really want to deal with this guy. Fast forward to me doing a little research, and I come to find out that this friend went off the fucking deep end. and is essentially a racist slash white nationalist. He's associated with all the white nationalist groups

and even changed his name and deleted his picks on Facebook because he didn't want to be identified or doxed, as he says. Jesus. Now, this guy was once a really good friend who I actually worked on lots of comedy projects with, so it's a little unnerving and disappointing to find out. Now, I have to uninvite this guy to my wedding. I'm really struggling with it

since I have no patience for people that have a racist mindset. My question is, how should I go about it? Did I say I'm not really struggling with it? Or did I say I'm really struggling? I think he said I'm really struggling with it? Okay, so he said I'm not really struggling with it since I have no patience for people with a racist mindset. Oh.

The question is how he should go about doing it. I want to be straightforward and just call him and say that I don't want his racist ass at my wedding anymore. My much smarter fiancé says to not do that because this dude is a little nuts and he keeps hanging out with anarchists and doesn't want an incident. How would you guys uninvite a racist white nationalist to your wedding? Appreciate the health. LNH Season 2 is pretty great. Cool, thank you.

So how would you... It's funny to imagine how unfunny these old comedy videos featuring a racist guy must be. Yeah, you never think of a racist. This guy's unfunny, you know? Yeah, you've never seen a racist that's funny. That's accurate. So would you be honest and blunt Be like, I'm not inviting you to my wedding

Because you're a racist Or would you be like, I'm afraid of you So I'm going to lie to your ass Please don't kill my wedding There's a I feel like there's a nice middle ground here Okay Because he's willing to do this call He's not afraid of confrontation

So that's great I would just call him And rather to be like You're a racist asshole You're not invited I'd be like Hey you know you have a polarizing Huh?

Oh with my Do I be the role play? The texts So this is about the tax We're gonna do improv. Yeah. Sorry, do you like black people? Huh?

This is about my Facebook, right? Yeah, I'm just asking if you're okay with. I have no issue with black people. I just happen to think that white people are the master race. All right. And I feel like you're attacking me. I didn't know you're gonna do that. I didn't know you're gonna do this.

I feel like you're out. You're not invited. And you, Amir, are not invited to do the podcast anymore. Oh my gosh. For what? Yeah, I think you could just say you're not invited because I feel like there's going to be a lot. of conflict with you coming to the wedding.

And I'm really, I mean, it's so weird to, like, be polite to a racist. Yeah. But I get where the fiancé is coming from. Yeah, you don't want to piss off a racist person. Yeah. If you get, like, a skinhead crashing your wedding, like, he's already got the invite. He knows where it is. Yeah, that's dangerous.

You almost just have to, you know, keep him there. No. And hope he keeps his mouth shut. No. Hey, Ryan? You comes with a fucking tattoo. You got to knock that off. at my wedding. None of that weird shit.

Everybody's name is Ryan. None of that racist stuff, all right? You're a garbage man. I would probably check out. Hey, Ryan, can you cool your jets with the races talk? Thanks, Bob. I think I would be too afraid to uninvite him and say it's the race. I wouldn't want to antagonize

the racist person. Well, I think there's a way to do it that's just polite on the phone. And before you maybe do the role play thing, and I just I don't think, yeah. I would say weddings canceled. I'm leaving. her because she's not racist enough. Do you think that's a good reason to?

Yeah, he'd love it. Let's go on racist Tinder. I knew it. I knew there was a racist Tinder. You're uninvited to my wedding. You sort of trap them like that. Oh, that's good. Gotcha journalism style.

I would be too afraid to do it in an honest way. So I think I would probably say to him, hey, this is so embarrassing. We invited too many people to the wedding. And I don't think we have room for about like 40% of the people that we invited. Oh, so you make him believe that he's part of like, a mass layoff. A master layoff.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's what I would do. That's not bad. I think as long as he's fine with confrontation, there's a way to let him know that his attitude is what's making him uninvited, but it's not like,

fuck you, you're racist, you're not coming my wedding, because that makes him be like, fuck you too. Yeah, but at the same time, you want to make his life harder for him being racist so that he realizes that. Yeah, that's why I think that's saying,

like, I don't like the person you become just do it in a polite way, almost like an intervention type thing. Oh, that's good. So he's like, wow, I'm like losing my friends. I'm not invited to their weddings because of my attitudes. I think that's like for the greater good of society that he knows that. Yeah.

I want to see like a movie about somebody becoming not racist and how that happened. Because it seems like American History X. Is that? Does he like, he starts racist? That's literally what the movie is about. He starts racist. You never seen it? I remember the curb stomping thing when that's about it.

So it's about a racist person who becomes not racist? Or is it about this kid who's sort of like towing the line he likes his brother and his brother is racist? No, it's the first thing. He starts racist and becomes not racist. The family is super racist. The big brother. The whole family. Yes.

Well, I mean like the sons are more racist. They're like in this like they're in like the KKK or whatever. Skinheads. One of them goes away to jail after murdering black people. And the brother who's still in their skinhead clan is like getting more and more indoctrinated. Big Brother comes out, shows them the error of their ways, having learned in prison to not hate black people. Oh, really? Edward Norton is a good guy at the end.

By the, I mean, he's not good. He murders like three black people in cold blood. But by the end, he's no longer a racist man. Yes, in the end He ends not being racist That's cool All right So I want to see that

You have seen it You just only remember The curbstoming It's a very iconic moment In film history I wonder you were so easily You so easily slipped into the racist Bigot role

I just I want to make sure That Ed Norton didn't change his mind Because of a wedding on invitation Because of like that's what's That's the only thing that it takes To completely Turn this racist man I don't know how long he spends

he spends in jail, but it doesn't seem like enough time. Actually, the rest of this podcast is going to be notes about American history. If you guys don't mind. All right, so you would tell him you would be more honest? Yeah, but I mean, I'm so much a coward. I'd probably do it in an email. Just be like, hey, you're not invited, and this is why, and be as polite as possible. But tell them the truth.

Okay, so this is what I would do, best of both worlds. You uninvite him in the fake way. 40% of the people can't make it, yada, yada, yada. And then after the wedding, so he can't crash or ruin the wedding, you say, listen, it wasn't actually because of that. It's because you're a little racist. And that's not good, Buster. A little racist?

It sounds like he changed his name to join, like, white anarchist groups. Well, I'm starting to dip my toe in the water of being completely open and honest with him. So he's like, what are you talking about? Like, well, this is all the bad stuff you did. And so you're uninvited. That's why I uninvited you to the wedding. So you still get a little bit of the, eye-opening. I also kind of feel like the numbers are on your side. Like, your wedding is the one time when all of your friends are in one place. And if, like, one dude tries to come and crash your... Like, imagine if somebody tried to ruin my wedding, I'd have just eaten them.

Yeah, but what if it was, like, a whole mob of them? You don't want them there at your wedding. I don't think, like, you could get your white nationalist friends to crash a wedding. Is that what wedding crash was? This is another movie. I don't quite remember. Like, do the nationalists end up all attending? Wedding. Yeah, Wedding Crashers is about like Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn doing like a Trump rally at a wedding. Yeah. That's right. All right. That's it.

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