If I Were You - Bonus IF I WERE YOU (from Patreon)

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

Back with another bonus advice pod! We're chatting blizzards, threesomes, and garbage...And yes: you can watch this as a video over at http://www.patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Yeah, dude. We're back like we never fucking left. We kind of did leave, though. Yeah. Yeah, we needed a. We actually really left. Yeah. We abandoned you. We left you. But it was because we needed time to heal. We needed to go. We went to couples therapy. Should we tell them what we did? We went to couples therapy. We had a really, I went to couples therapy.

I went to couples therapy. Jake was too busy. Jake had things to do I yeah I showed up But my mind was elsewhere I think it's what I was there But I was absent You said you were showing up by paying for it But that's not what I needed you to do

I didn't need you to pay for it I need you to be there during it You're always trying to fix things with your cash And your support from afar But I need you in the shit with me I need you here and now down the well, up my ass and around the corner. Wow.

All right. I hope you missed us. If you're listening to this, I'll post it to the semi-defunct, dusty ass segments RSS feed. So you could be confused and scared and wondering why it's there. That's why we're posting it there as well. But we're also putting it as a video podcast episode on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. John.

What are you going to use for the thumbnail art? Like it would be kind of cool to do like an old school, if I were you, art, right? Yeah, it'll probably just be like a frame from this edited video that I put together. Okay. So, yeah. I mean like for Apple, for like when you put it on the RSS. Oh, yeah. I don't choose individual episodes.

It'll just be the segments one. Yeah, that seems like. It's actually really, really easy to do new cover art. Yeah. You can do it for one specific episode. Just like when you're uploading it to, I'm assuming you're going on to Art 19. It doesn't matter. So when you put the wave.

You're getting two into the weeds. And you should put the high quality wave on there. I wouldn't do an MP3. You do the wave. It's due compress. Yeah. Let Art 19 handle the compression. Yeah, and then you can replace the image as long as it's 3,000 by 3,000 pixels.

That should suffice for Apple's deliverables. So let's kind of try to do it right. All right. We've been gone for a long time. We've been gone for a long time. And I think you should upload the episode properly. In fact, I will upload it properly. Even thinking about how you might not upload the episode, right, is making it.

me feel like you deserve a dirty. Sorry, even thinking about how I might not upload the episode, even though I will, is making you think that I deserve a turdy. And let me guess. Yeah, let me guess you deserve the opposite of a 30 for what thinking that I, I think the, I think the quality control guy who actually gives a damn about the show gets a golden Mike. I think you do get a golden mic. Why? That's entirely your rationale, your mindset. I'm doing everything right. You're thinking

I might make a mistake, so I get a turdy and you get a golden mic. I want to thank everybody for this. Means a lot. I'm actually chuffed. And I'm pretty cheered about it. And I'm humbled. I'm actually jubilant. It's pretty neat. These are, uh, yeah, we asked for questions on the Patreon, actually. So these are patrons themselves coming to us. And, uh, these are the fans we appreciate the most because they're willing to pony up the dough to have direct access to us. Yeah.

They're not just the day ones. They're the day a hundred and ones. They're the day a thousand and ones. They are, they continue to have our back. And that is why they get the access to ask the questions now. For that access, Alaskan Emily writes, I live in a quadplex. That's her real, she already gave herself a fake name, I guess. Alaskan Emily.

I live in a quadplex and one of the neighbors has been absolutely stuffing the bins every single week with trash. I'm not sure who it is. But it seems to be something new that has happened. The landlord basically said they aren't going to do anything about it. and we can't get any more bins to increase capacity. I really don't want to confront my neighbors or have some kind of witch hunt about it. I'm on the verge of having a come-up part over this.

What should I do? Please remember to give me actual advice. Love, I'll ask an Emily. Okay. So there's a bin-stuffer of foot. Sounds like this is not America because we're talking bins, we're talking come apart. And so I can't give, like I know in New York

what you could do. You call your county selectman or your assembly person and you can actually complain about the trash. You can call 3-1-1 and the city can give somebody a citation. So that super, that landlord who's saying, I'm not going to do anything. If there's actual trash in the street, they'll get a ticket. And then I bet they'll do something because it's their cash on the line. Now, I don't know what they're doing over in the UK

post-Brexit, but obviously the country has gone down the shitter. Okay. I think there's been scarcity in quadplexes in America too. I think I've only just lived in homes and large apartment buildings where I just threw my trash down a shoot. I've never dealt with the quadplex, this sort of like team, four person, four unit, maybe even a three or two unit. mini um mini um you're getting a phone call you're getting a phone call and it's coming into my my headphones and that is if i hadn't already given you a turdy you better believe you'd have one right now wow

um look at him he's gorgeous let me or take off your headphones oh yeah crazy i won't be able to hear it just take off your headphones Ben had he had a question for me i don't think i can do it anymore i don't think you can do it anymore be friends yeah he's just Yeah, it's a lot. He's a lot. It's too much. It's like a succubis. It's like a auribus of like he just keeps eating his own ass kind of like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like an infinity. He doesn't give ever. He takes and takes it. He takes because I'm holding on the headphones. It's like giving a mouse to put your headphones under your, put your headphones. Put your headphones under your feet. Can you stand on your headphones if you can hear us? Stand on your headphones.

Yeah, look. What do you do? What do you do? You've been friends with him for so many years. What do you do? I think you have to. I mean, it's a mixture of having firm boundaries,

but also just like letting it wash over you. Because he's not going to change. There was such a long time where I was trying to make him change. You can't make him. And I just accepted. Yeah. That's like a robot. You can't change short circuit.

You can't change Johnny 5. He's a robot. Yeah. Wish you could reboot him like a robot. I thought you guys don't. What are you doing now? What is this? We're recording a one-off,

if I were you, where we're answering advice questions for Patreon. Okay. Patreon and we're going to put it on the main. Amir, put it back on. Amir, put it back on. Now he's going to take his sweet-ass time. It's like, yeah.

Okay, Tommy, give me one of the questions. Just want to do one of the questions, and I can get back to work. That's awesome. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Let's do a freshie for Ben. Are you doing questions that you've done before? Are we eating Kees soon, Amir or no?

I mean, we can, but again, we do have to get to a few of these before I can leave and then I'll have some time I think. Although last time we went to get Kish, they had run out. A question? A question? Just a question at this point. Hey, all, I'm a 22-year-old guy. Oh, right.

What should we call this person? Oh, Ben, what do you think? Oh, he's got a 123-year-old guy. Honestly, we were on thin ice and a razor's edge. like anything could have. The funny thing to hang, you do is to hang up really whenever we reference that again. So it would have happened.

You should have done it as soon as you put your headphones back on. If I had one note. I'm a 22-year-old guy and I've been in a long-distance relationship for eight months at this point. We're nearing our four-year anniversary and on the drives up, but listening to Old If I Were You episodes. All right.

Nice. To spice things up as we only see each other one to two times. the month over the past eight months, we recently got in a situation ship with a mutual friend of ours. As my girlfriend recently came out as bye, we've had a couple three ways and really avoided all the problems that come with having a three way with your significant other, the jealousy, the possibility of leaving a significant other for another person. So it's all been a good situation overall. The problem is the girl we've been hooking up with recently started seeing my best friend from back home. I was his roommate for three years during college and I've known him for

longer than I've known my girlfriend. The most recent time the three of us hooked up was after I told them that they were exclusive, definitely an issue. So here's my question. Do we still see this woman? They're not technically dating yet. I'm supposed to come in soon for some celebrations, my birthday slash anniversary. I know it's a bad idea because my friend doesn't know. about the extent of the situation. Really all he knows is that we are all friends with this girl. I'm literally always down for whatever happens. Yeah.

Feels like birthday threesome is good, but anniversary threesome is not, right? Yeah, unless it's the three of them's anniversary. Right. I mean, that's an interesting one, because the thing is you're stopping your fun early for the same. of them maybe having a good relationship but it's not like you're you know they aren't falling in love per se no you're not doing anything wrong yet but i guess i guess what i would do is like look into my heart and be like do you want to have this conversation someday with your best friend i think the

answer is probably no so i would stop yeah but you have to be so certain that you're stopping a three that it really, really has to be polite. Because think of the pro and con, the benefit cost analysis of not having a threesome. Yeah. Well, I mean, if your girlfriend is by and threesomes are kind of on the table, then it's, you know, there's many fish in the sea, as they say. You could theoretically have a threesome with somebody that's not even dating your best friend, which would be kind of the best of both worlds. because I think the only threesomes, while great, you do want to avoid all of the, you know, the costs associated with them, like the guilt, which you've avoided thus far. Yeah.

And if you're going to have, you want to have the guilt-free threesome. That is the gold standard. That's what you're looking for. And this has been tainted. It is not, it is no longer a worry-free threesome. It is a worryful threesome, which is still pretty good. But you can get better. This is my fear about, quote, spicing things up.

I've never had a threesome, but it seems like it's the kind of thing that it's hard to then go back to a duo from. Like, how do you go from a three-way party back to a two without it feeling kind of muted? Right. I mean, I think they're, I think, I think, I think it's like, it's almost like over. overeating or partying too much. You're like, just because you have a really amazing meal doesn't mean like, you know, I think it's closer to having a really amazing meal than it is to like flying first class. Sometimes they say flying first classes.

Like that ruins flying for me because now I know how good it could be. I think it's more like having a really nice meal. We're like, wow, I don't, I'm not always going to cook this for myself, but I do love it on special occasions. Yeah. Like it might be too rich the lobster and the steak and the surf and the turf. But do you ever feel so grossly full? Like is it a thing where you're so full that you feel kind of sick?

You're like, what have I done? I've had a threesome and now I'm absolutely like I'm overflowing with joy. Well, you mean, you might have the surf and turf come down if you have that threesome with your best friends situation. Yeah. What about, you know, they used to say like, maybe they still do. Like, don't have sex on ecstasy because it ruins sex going forward. Like it's almost too much for your brain to handle. Have you ever heard that? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. And I also have had sex on ecstasy. It didn't own sex. Because it's still. I hate sex now. Because I'm not on ecstasy. Actually, I hate everything now that I'm not on ecstasy. Don't take. make ecstasy. It ruins existence.

I think you can kind of separate like ecstasy experiences from real life ones. You're like this is such a heightened level. You couldn't live like that all the time and you wouldn't really want to. But maybe that's like a maybe that's just me looking back on it with old age and wisdom because maybe when I was like 20, I know that when I went up when I was like 26 and doing it, it did feel like kind of something I was trying to do every single weekend. Yeah. So, yeah. So I really don't know. I wonder if you can microdose MDMA in a more responsible fashion now that you're a parent. It's like, okay, let me take some just to feel a little bit of joy without overflowing my brain with serotonin and then feeling depleted the next day.

Yeah. I mean, I think people do microdose like that with like mushrooms and stuff. but it all seems like a slippery slope to me. I like being able to focus on where my joy is. I feel like when you were on, the part of the joy of being on ecstasy was like I actually didn't have a care in the world. And life was amazing. So I feel like if I did that now,

I would feel some type of like responsibility pulling me back and keeping me from having a ton of fun. Basically, the ecstasy hangover would be a million times worse and it's not really worth it. the agony and the ecstasy. The extremes are too much of a swing. Yeah.

What's the last time you did ecstasy? Probably 2014. You did, yeah. I haven't, uh, yeah, it was 2014. Yeah. Jesus, we're kind of due. Yeah.

Be kind of cool. We would really not need a lot. Yeah, really just a few drops and then like a tab and then a few pills probably should get it done at this. point, right? Yeah. And then going to a McLemore concert, which should... I think you have to test for fentanyl now because things have gotten a little scary out there.

Yeah, yeah. I have friends that still partake in different drugs and they... And like the... You do have to be really, really buttoned up. Unless you want the fentanyl. And then you test for it and it's like, yep, this is fentanyl. I don't think anybody wants that. Yeah.

I mean, fentanyl is a drug. Okay. Here's one about weather. Finally, something that's right up my alley. None of these three some fucking questions anymore. I recently moved from Winnipeg to Melbourne. Look at that. From Canada to Australia.

What a huge shift. And learned that I prefer... Winnipeg too. I learned that I prefer, quote, the peg for heaps of reasons. He prefers Winnipeg, I guess. My best friends, all my family, my girlfriend, and my cat live there. Hard to mention that my favorite jacking spot is there, too. What's jacking?

I guess a place where he jerks it. No way. They say Melbourne is better, and I feel stupid and ungrateful like I forgot something. Any advice for some guy who prefers blizzards to heat waves, thanks. Eskimo Joe. Okay. So the question is, is it okay that he likes Winnipeg more than Melbourne? Yeah.

Well, I guess it's more of like the overarching theory that the grass is always greener. They're like, why are you living in Winnipeg? It's cold. It's desolate. It's lonely. It's isolated. Melbourne's got it all. It's got great weather, awesome beaches, whatever, new places, restaurants.

And then he's there and he's like, I miss everybody from back home. I'd rather be over there. even though there's you're currently experiencing a blizzard yeah and nowhere else i'd rather be the new york city you know in the buck in winter actually no i would definitely rather be somewhere else but i think it is it's about your community and your people so melbourne as great as it is is only it's only going to be as great as the people you're surrounding yourself with i think you could on one hand be like this means winnipeg is better because all of the people I love are there.

And then the harder thing to do, if you really feel a calling to Melbourne, is to make a family and find loved ones and deepen relationships there. It takes time. It's going to be hard to beat your best friends, all your family, girlfriends, and your cat. That's a really, that's almost everything, I think. It's a strong showing back in woodland. Maybe you can convince at least the cat to come to Melbourne. Right?

Like, Like doing in Winnipeg. If you could just drag them to the nicer city slash better weather, maybe there's something where you can have the best of both worlds. Yeah. Yeah. But I think you're also allowed to just to have, it was really brave to go there.

You're allowed to go there and be like, I made a mistake and you can go home. Nobody's going to be mad at that. That's what I did with L.A. I moved to L.A. I stayed there for like eight months. I was like, I don't want to be here.

anymore and then I just like toughed it out for another four months because I was like it's gonna be so lame if I go back before a year I need to say at the first time you it the first time the 2012 or something yeah I was like I gotta stay here a year so everybody knows I gave it a shot and then like I just toughed it out four months go by and I was like okay I'm gonna go home and nobody cared that I stayed a year everybody was just happy that I came home that's the lesson I learned but then you moved to L.A. again. So why did you move back? That time, when I moved back to LA, the second time, it was because you were moving, like a whole bunch of our friends from college. Here we're moving. It felt like

a better time, like it wasn't going to be as isolating. I think we had just sold our pilot. The first time, I felt like I did it just a little prematurely. I followed a girl out there, and I was like, I'll figure my life out, and then I kind of didn't. And then the second time, life brought me to LA and I was like okay this is good I'll keep the momentum going right and more specifically how's the blizzard been because there was a historic amount of snow and cold in the last few days yeah this one was better than the last one because the last one I think caught us all by surprise it was like I don't know 13 inches of snow it was a lot of snow and then the next two weeks it was like negative 10 degrees.

So it turned to like Antarctica was really, really hard to do anything. The snowed never melted. This was like we kind of learned our lesson. So it snowed even more. I think it's not almost 20 inches. But yesterday all of the neighborhood was out, shoveling the cars out, shoveling the walkways. And already today it's like, we're like infinitely more walkable than we were last time.

Do you look forward to the snow or is it annoying? Like, it's going to snow again. Or you're like, awesome, it's going to snow again. Or you're like, I need this to end. I was looking forward to the blizzard because it was kind of cozy and it was like, that's like almost like a historical event. I think it's one of the biggest record snowfalls in New York. So I was like happy to be here for it.

Because I know the last time was like, last time there was a big one was when we were living in L.A. and I kind of, I was sad. It was like, oh, man, I want to be a part of that. So I was happy to be a part of me. But now I see that it's going to snow next week. And I'm kind of like, I want this one to be the last one. I don't really want to keep on salting my front steps. Yeah.

What's the snow, like, what's your shoveling situation? Do you have to, like, you yourself take a shovel and start digging? Yeah. Yeah. But you do it when it's all powder, like early, early enough and you salt. So it's like it's more of a, it's more of a push to the curb.

We don't have, I mean, our house is like 18 feet wide. So it's not a ton of ground. You could do it. Yeah. I wouldn't say quickly, but yeah, you can do it. This time I also did my backyard because last time I was like, oh, that's fine. It'll melt eventually.

But then it didn't melt for a month. So this time I shoveled a bunch in the backyard. So dingo could kind of like pee out there and stuff. Where do you push it if it's in your backyard, just up in your backyard? against the fence. Yeah, you just toss it onto like the big bushes and stuff. You realize you're going to L.A. and Australia soon.

So that sunshine is going to hit like sweet, sweet, probably the ecstasy you haven't felt since 2014. Yeah, and I might try to have a threesome when I'm on my flight. With Molly on Molly. Yeah. I mean, why the hell not? Well, you're traveling with your whole family. Right.

Yeah. They are going. But it's a red eye, so they might be sleeping. Also, they're going to be in coach and you're going to be in first class because, like you said, you can't just go back there and they've never experienced it. They're actually premium select that I'm way in the back of the plane. I'm slumming it. I want it to be in steerage. Also, another peer behind the Patreon curtain is that we're going to be able to shoot some Jake in mirrors when you're out here in L.A.

That's right. That's right. That's a big thing. So if you needed yet another reason to subscribe to our Patreon, you can get it for just $5 a month. We're going to be making some Jake and Mir and some Jeff and Riley and Jake and me sketches. The plan is in one place. Yeah, we're making a lot of stuff. We're trying to make J&A Studios a hub, and I think we're not even done.

So keep your eye on this space. Stay subscribed. Would you say right now it's a nub, but soon it'll be a hub. hub? Yeah. Yeah, I think it is a little bit of a nub, but I think it can be a hub. Well, here's the rub. Yeah.

I am going to be really, really sick next week, so I don't know if I have the time or the energy to record the episodes we're writing. And it's like, it seems like we at the very least have to do a March Madness, but like, I think I'm going to get you very, very sick before you go to Australia. Yeah, before my flight. Yeah. Ideally, I have long COVID during my Sydney I'm a house show.

I feel fine now, but I could just see a world where I go to CVS and take deep, deep huffs in the prescription pickup line just to see if I can get anything, get anything going. You want to hurt me, I see. Yeah, I'm going to be doing the equivalent of licking a subway pole in Los Angeles. I guess we have a subway here. I'll just do that. Right. Okay. This was a pretty eventful 30 minutes. We answered some questions. We had some good kish talk with Ben.

That's right. And we'll be doing it again. So, you know, don't be shy. Ask your questions. Would you say in this thread or maybe we'll post another one? No, you can reply to this one with some comments. Yeah. I mean, we'll just keep on coming back. So if you subscribe to the Patreon, there's a post calling for if I were used submissions. Yeah, or you can reply to leave a comment to this here darn episode as well. Oh, that's even better. That's even better, man. Wow, I feel bad giving you a attorney. That's a really smart idea.

But it has been doled out, it has been dished out. You can't really take it. They usually did at the end of the episode. What do you mean? It's really clear. You just, you give out the award at the end of the episode. Having had a holistic view of the entire, like, affair. Now you can tell what to do and who to give it to.

But I was able to. I was able to dole it out early because I saw the writing was pretty much on the wall, just the way you're behaving. And sometimes you give out two golden mics. I wonder if there's a world where you can give out two golden mics. I could give out two golden mics, but I can't give them out. You can't receive a turdy and a golden mic. That's a no-no. You can get multiple golden mics per episode.

It's not a common occurrence, but I think, yeah, it's happened to me a few times. I'm obviously humbled and honored and chopped and she's pretty jubilant to be sure but of course you know rules dictate you can't win a turdy and then get a golden mic

it's a really dumb question they say there are no dumb questions but that is about as close as you can get to a really stupid fucking question man yeah see you guys what yeah it's kind of a bummer to hear that right at the end of the episode we'll leave people with that but

Right. Well, they could be happy knowing that I got the other than Mike. Thanks, everybody. This has been pretty cool. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening. We'll see you soon. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I have a new podcast on Headgum called Next We Have. Now, this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone.

I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't. Because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge, yell, reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The dough boys play a game called Meal or No Meal, and Steph Tolliv and I go head to head on a thought-provoking game called Guess That

Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds, and we probably have more fun than we should. But it's a great time, and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.