If I Were You - Bonus Patreon Sample

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

This is half of today's Bonus Thursday Patreon Episode of our show. You can listen to the rest, or watch 35 other full episodes over at Patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to a sample of our bonus Thursday Patreon episode of If I Were You. There's a video version there. We also put the audio up on our Patreon page. There's about 30 episodes over there, but we wanted to give you guys, like, let's say half. We'll call it half of today's episode, just to wet your appetites, to get you interested intrigued and thinking, you know what, I got $5 a month. Maybe I'll contribute to the Patreon.

Watch the videos there, because it's not just If I Were You. It's also the Jake and Amir Watch episodes. We got My Speech at Jake's Wedding. We got Lonely and Horny Season 1 and 2. So if you've been waiting, you've been very patient for over a year now until there's enough content for you to devour, check it out. It's at patreon.com.j.a. All right, here's about, I'll call it 15 minutes of today's bonus episode for you, for free.

Enjoy. You want me to stand out? You're asking me to stand out? Get out of your seat. I'm not going to get out of my seat. Show me some respect. Get up, get up. I'm going to show you.

We're getting excited for the episode. That's what the music is about, you like dancing, you get happy. It's not me showing you respect. I don't want you to get up and give me a standing ovation. You didn't even do anything. Humboldt. You're not humbled. You didn't do shit.

You pressed the play button. Someone else wrote and performed the song. All right, all right, let's just get up and we'll start on like a whole new note. You're trying to like clear the air and then also asking me to do what you've been trying to get from the beginning. Watch that when you get up for the, because the mic's going to like. If I stand up, I'm going to leave. Do you still want me to stand?

No. I want you to stay, obviously. I wanted you to give me an ovation. I did ovate. I clapped. No, but not quite a standing ovation. Not at all a standing ovation. I saw you like considering it.

I didn't. Absolutely did not. You flooded a bit. I didn't float. Don't try to sneak deference in there for you. If I am ever a musician, I'm going to beg for a standing o. I was thinking, well, I mean, that's a little sad, but I think I'm going to become more of a musician.

I think like the art that we do is cool, but it's like mostly comedy, which isn't like that. It's entirely comedy. Yeah. I think I'm going to get more into like music and tunes and that kind of shit. Like funny, silly songs like I'm eating yogurt today. I don't love I'm eating yogurt today because it's not like it's not hot like seeing somebody in the club or even just like an emo like getting lost in the woods with someone.

You know, like, so you want to go for like comedy just to completely like sexy music. Yeah. Kind of like a father John Misty meets a Drake or something. But they never did comedy. Yeah. Well, Drake did acting and father John Misty did music probably from the get go, but I could probably dip in and do that. I could also paint.

There's something like or like photography. You're already moving on. I don't know how to sing is all. Yeah. So how hard could it be to take a photo? That one is photography. Okay. But you're still not going to get like a crowd about it.

Yeah. You're not going to get like an audience or a following taking photos of people. I could do like an artist. Well, if I, especially if I do like an opening where I have like a gallery of like these portraits and I also what's an example of a gallery of a portrait or an artist that is like a portrait. Yeah. I would go to like an old folks home and take like really, really like stunning photos

like HD of like the you can do that fucking geezer in there and like learn their dumb ass life stories. And I would like make a little quote about like the bullshit, whatever they did. And then like, it would feel really emotional because it's like it was like, oh, that could be my grandma, but she's like, did some other stupid shit that I would write about. Well, why do you want to harass old people instead of do comedy? I'm thinking photographs of them, but you call them dumbasses, geezers and stuff like that.

That looks like they visit your grandparents. My grandparents all passed. Sorry to hear that. I feel like a memorialized at my art show until I mentioned there was going to be a company album that I mentioned there would be an accompanying album. You can't take photos of my grandfather. He passed away before I was born. If there's a photo that exists that someone else took that you really liked and I could

just even like, what, take a photo of it? No, I wouldn't scan it. If I could scan a photo of your grandfather, blow it up, make up something that he did that sounded really cool or heroic or humble or neat. He did. He did a lot of stuff. You don't have to make it up. Okay.

He helped built towns in Israel. Okay. Before it was even a country. Don't worry about what you would write. I don't have to give him a quote, otherwise it's just like, this guy built a fucking town. No, I'll work on the quote. You don't have to come up with shit or make shit up.

I'll make up the quote, because otherwise it's going to sound so stupid. It's just going to be like, this guy helped do a town. No, I didn't say that. Actually, that's not bad. No, it's, yes, it is bad. I helped to do a town. This guy helped do a town. That doesn't say what he did.

It doesn't say what he did. Yeah, it could be a lot of the photos. It's like a lens flare type thing, almost like a, like a flash bulb went off. Like it was a really photo. What would that give you that comedy that hasn't provided? Like, what are you hoping to get out of this, I think, radical career shift? You were going to do music for like, probably 30 seconds. I started doing an album release at the same night as the show.

It's like the Gala or something. I guess I just like would be interested in having status and respect from hot people. You never really see like a super, super hot bunch of people at a comedy show. It's all like comedy nerds. Yeah. I'm like, they're not sexy to me. I think that like, like does Emily Ratianowski go to an improv set? I don't know.

She goes to a fucking Gala. And she would go to an album release party, especially if I'm doing it. Well, I'd have to have that. You're not a musician. You're not a musician. You're not hot. You're not hot fans or friends or followers. And don't fucking take a picture of my deceased grandfather and say he did a town because

that won't get you. Who was it? Emily Ratikowski. Ratchet. Whatever it is. Yeah. Gala, you said. Where they're my opening.

Where I have a fucking acoustic guitar and I'm doing an acoustic set of my songs. You can't. You can't do that. You can't do that. You're going at it the wrong way. It's usually like artists have like. Watch me. And then next time we do a podcast, next time we do a podcast, next time we do one of these

and it's time for us to promote our whatever shit. You're promoting your dumbass Twitter. I'll be promoting my fucking gallery opening, okay, and I'll be promoting my album that's not comedy album that has a fucking song called the black void on it. What? Okay. Because that's this fucking emotional thing, the black void. And then like, I did a town on the back.

You did a what? I did a town. I did a town. On the back of the CD. The fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm going to do a really bad car accident on the way here. Yeah.

Okay. All right. So. The little frazzled is all. My life flashed before my eyes and all I saw was a bunch of fucking UCB shows. You barely do that. You barely do UCB shows. I go to them.

Yeah. You go to improv. You want to go from going to improv to creating an album. Or doing a town. And a hot release party. Or doing a town. Yeah. And that's what you got out of your near-death experience that I'm assuming you caused.

Yeah, I caused it. You were tweeting while driving and you rear-ended someone. Tweeting about an album idea. Yeah. All right. Well, for now, let's focus on what we actually have to do. Right. Which is this bonus Thursday video, Patreon, sex-clusive.

Sex-clusive. That's right. That means it's sexy and exclusive. Answering questions. No breaks. No sponsors. Just me and you hashing it out. Let's go at it.

Question number one. This is from a guy in a 20-year-old college student in America. Nice. So we'll call him Chuck. Chuck writes, Dear Billy Goat Gruff and Goaty the Kid. Whoa. Goat show reference. I'm going to probably stop doing that podcast when I do my album and art show.

For now, Goat Show podcast, it's not a show. Why would anybody listen to it if you're going to leave at least a couple of episodes before I get my art show off the ground? I need a space and I need a recording studio and a camera and I need access to an old person's home. You need everything. You barely have an idea. I'm a 20-year-old college student from America.

That's how life is fleeting. What's that? That's how life is fleeting. Life is fleeting. It has no meaning. Now I'm at an old folks home. The music is fleeting. The songs about your other career?

No. What are you talking about, my other career? Your songs about the portraits you want to take. It should be more vague. It should be more vague. It won't be about the old folks home. Great. Life is fleeting has no meaning.

Is cryptic enough that it's about both? It's not cryptic. It's very specific. But that's connected and I won't do that it's at an old folks home. That's not my only note, by the way. So don't think you addressed every flaw in your plan. It has no meaning. Where do we go when we die?

Nice. I'm going to read this. Fine. I'm fucking thinking of songs. I'm a 20-year-old college student in America and I've been hooking up with my co-worker for the past six months. It was fun at first, but I knew from the start things would not last between us. Now six months later, I'm ready to call it quits.

But there's one problem. We have many classes together and we work together on campus and next year will as well. Why do I end this relationship without complicating the work and school life? It's not like there's anything specifically wrong with her. I just don't feel the same way I felt before and it feels like we're closing ourselves off from meeting new people. Help. Love.

Chalk. Life is fleeting. It has no meaning. Where do we go when we die? But where are we when we're alive? The crux of the song is that you're pondering your mortality, but really we should be wondering about what we do with our time. Anyway, this guy should break up with this girl.

Because he's much like the person in your song worried about the afterlife. How is it going to affect everything? It's going to be awkward. Yeah, but what you really have to be worried about is the now and you're upset right now. In the future, it might be bad or it might be good, at least that much is unknown. So you might as well untether yourself from the unpleasant experience that you know to get to the whatever potential experience of your future. Life is fleeting.

It has no meaning. Where do we go when we die? I know you're wearing headphones, but it's really high-pitched to listen to you. Where do we go when we're alive? Oh my god, there's two hot fans. No way. Yeah, from Sweden. Emily Ratchinauskiewicz.

And some jacked dude named Lars. Shit, did you bring your boyfriend? Fuck, people go to shows with their significant others. Yeah, don't worry about hooking up at the show. The fact that you have hot fans is good. Well, they're not worried about hooking up at the show. That's all I'm starting a fucking art gallery for. Worry about befriending these fans and then they'll introduce you to other friends.

It doesn't have to be Emily who's going to hook up with you. She could be like, anyone's hanging out. And then she has other friends. She's like, yeah, my friend Jake. We'll see, we'll see. You are married, by the way, completely unrelated to any of this. Oh, your fingers are so thick. They've thickened over the last year.

Protecting the ring. You've gained a lot of hand weight, which is hard to do. Hard to specify. All right. Next question. This one sort of is in the same genre as a falling for coworker situation. Okay. We'll call him Charles.

A longer name of Chuck. Here's my predicament. I'm 24 in New York and I've been dating my current girlfriend for the past four years. We've never had any problems and I was actually looking to propose this year. But recently I started to work with a friend from college and I'm starting to fall for her. For the past month we text all day, FaceTime nightly, hang out and watch movies together, go to brunch, etc. So you're already sort of cheating on your girlfriend.

I'm starting to have conflicting feeling towards my current girlfriend. No, you're not starting to. Sounds like you've had that for a long time. The only thing is that I don't know if my work friend feels the same way that I feel for her. Should I end it with my GF and give up everything we have for someone who may not even like me that way? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Todah. First thing you need to know is that you don't like your girlfriend whether or not you like this other person. Because if you did, this would be happening.

Just the fact that he's FaceTiming means that he's not too interested. At the very least, you should be single because you're behaving a little bit like a single person. What's the most... The work girl clearly likes him also. So you don't really have to worry about that. She's not FaceTiming nightly with her bud. There's nothing more flirty than a FaceTime nightly. Where's your girlfriend while this is happening?

Oh, sorry. Hey. Hey, man. Oh, shit. That's it. Gonna cut it off right there. Again, if you want to listen to the rest of this podcast and about 30 others, check out patreon.com.j.a. Video versions of these shows as well as some Jake and Amir watch videos, some lonely and horny episodes.

Enough to keep you entertained for just crunching the numbers back of the envelope calculations. Two and a half weeks straight. So that's pretty good. Alright, we'll be back with a normal episode as always on Monday. See you, everybody.