If I Were You - Bonus: Pranks (w/Geoffrey James!) 2018

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Resident Dumbass Geoffrey James is in the studio to play an ice breaker, read a fan script, and discuss epic pranks. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a head gamma region. What is this a new if I were you podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up. That never unsubscribed so please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You recorded at our old studio in 2018. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I want to do.

If only I were you, shut that cup. We were all dancing. Yeah, we were all having a... We were having a... It was the fun little intro. Awesome time. Thank you so much, Rajepri. I feel like he didn't dance as much as us.

We're being here. He's scalded at me. That's a song. What? I danced a good song. It's a great song. It's a fine song. I just learned about Motown.

So I- Matt made you angry at all other music. Yeah, because you know what? I don't know if you've taken a look at the Motown catalog. No. Huh? I haven't. Do.

Because for me, it's a treasure trove. Okay. This sounds like a positive thing. Oh, f funk in our in B. Right. You found great music. You discovered Motown Yeah, but to hear that yeah Garbage. It's just different. It's not better You're so bad if you discover music that you like and it makes you angry look at your eyebrows Well, I'm not I'm upset. Yeah. And it make them, sorry, make a Motown theme song. Then I'll smile. So for the next half hour or so,

you're gonna be sour until we come up with a Motown theme song. Okay, how about u-bop or if I were you, but yeah, if I were you, it starts right down. How do you think that's good? Why do you smile?

Like that was perfect. Oh, town, Motown. Motown, holiday, you. I rock on baby mother till I have a question and I answer the email for now. It sounds like you like old hip hop, not Motown. Would you say that's safe to say? If that put him in a good mood for some reason, let's roll with it. Alright, fine.

Starting now, we're having a good time. I thought it would be fun to play an icebreaker game to get us warmed up, get us into the spirit. It's kind of like that word association game we played that one time. Except this time it'll be, I'm going to say one, say one two three and then we all say either the number one or the number two if we all say the same number we're on the same page wow all right yeah this is an icebreaker this is an icebreaker so we get to know each other buddy is it different kind of yeah one two three one one two three oh

we're playing oh keep going until we're all the same. Well, I like being on the same page as Jeff. Okay. One, two, three, two. One, one, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. One, two, three, two. Two, three, two. One, one, two, three, two.

All right, we got there. All right, now we get this system. We like tried, I tried to cheat, and I was just like, yeah, I was gonna steam roll two until you guys were like, whoever's the most stubborn. All right, now let's play, we can say 1, 2 or 3. Okay, okay, and I won't be in stubborn.

Okay, be fucking free-wheeling. All right, ready? 1, 2, 3, 2. 1, 2, 3, 2. 1, 2, 3, 2. 1, 2, 3, 1. 1, 2, 3, 1. 1, 2, 3, 2. One two three two one two three one two three one We haven't hit it yet at random we're supposed to get this like once in every nine One two three three

One two three three One two three one One two three two 1 2 3 3 1 2 3 3 1 2 3 2 Oh we got it Me and Jeffery have said the same one for like nine times I'm not gonna fucking play the game man I'm not gonna say three just because you guys are established we're going for three We got to get it right by chance. That's the magic. That's the sauce. It's such a thin premise for a game It's just a rule. It's such a thin premise for a game. It's just a rule.

It's such a bad game, but I'm having the most fun I've had today. One, two, three, two. No, I'm not playing anymore. Three. I don't want to do it. All right, how about one through 10? Let's try to really get it this time. Okay, we could say any number one through 10.

Okay. One, two, three, seven. One, two, three, eight. One, two, three, eight. One, two, three, eight. Yeah, we have a strategy. We can get it in three. Yeah. We did. Yeah.

Now we've gained the system. All right, now that we have the strategy set, sort of implicitly, just through strategy and mind games, we can in theory do it with any number. So we're gonna do one, two, three, then any any number but knowing what we've learned in the micro version so the game Okay ready? One two three two One two three two

One two three two Be so So for the strategy, yeah, for you, it was establishing eight. I mean, you got off on being a leader at the game. I think you could always get there in three because you go one, if you had said eight, I would get there in two because we should all follow you.

That could be the strategy. Well, I thought the strategy was, if there's two of us that said something the next time the person who didn't say it said it, because we both said eight. Yeah. And I thought you were gonna to join us at eight. But then I joined in my two.

Yeah. I felt like a mirror was going to join me at two because we made eyes. And then once we both said two, I would feel like you would feel the tide shifting. I have. And meet us at two. In my head, if I was like, don't say two because they're going to both be. Yeah. Yeah.

The closest you got was saying three, which is like the most you're willing to accommodate us. Yeah. Also, we just missed Thanksgiving. Oh, shit. Shit. Canadian Thanksgiving. So, that's fine.

But still. All right, now that we're here, now that we're warmed up, now that we're about seven minutes deep, we can finally start the show. This is a fire for you and advice podcast, the bonus Patreon Thursday edition. It's a video. It's an audio. It's ad-free. Unless you want something, just go for a sponsor

right now. Yo yeah, how's it? You're good? Whoa! A co-working space for the Road Slash Ages and you boys the newest member. Slash Road Scholar. Which I am not, but I aspire to be or not to Two one two three B

All right, here's the question. It's coming from my dudes. Let's give them a dude's name. Draftry. What do you got tracer? Last name gone Tracer gone. I am tracer gone tracer. God is God. You should have Anthony on the podcast. Oh, that's be good, that'd be good. Hey guys, I'm Anthony. I hate when you do an Anthony impression, you'll never be Anthony. Well, hey guys, Tracer here, I have a slight problem and I figured you two might be able to help me out.

In December of 2016, my family and I went out of town and we paid my best friend to watch our dog while we were gone. I thought I could trust him to come into my house and let my dog out. Make sure she had water and feed her. Unfortunately, when I came home, nearly everything in my room and my basement was covered in plastic wrap. Now, I'll admit, it was a pretty good prank because it took a while to unwrap everything, but it felt like I was taking advantage of. He let himself and our other friends into my house to pull this prank.

They were in my bedroom. It felt like a complete invasion of my trust and I was extremely mad. Anyway, we're going out of town again. And my mom wants to hire my best friend to watch our dog again. Should I tell my mom that my friend shouldn't be allowed to watch the dog? Or just let him do it again and hope you learned his lesson. Thanks guys. Lesson, keep up the grade. Learned the lesson by pulling an awesome prank. That's right. That's the lesson he learned that he got away with the prank

and it's still got the dog watching job. He learned no lesson. He's the word of a lesson. Maybe he felt bad, he got it out of his system. Well, he was paid for the job, which was just a prank. That's right. And now he got a second job.

So you get it. And an opportunity for another prank. And an opportunity attack. That's right. Would you let somebody who's pranked you before back into your life slash house? Have you ever been pranked as thus? Have you ever been the victim of one of those classic post notes everywhere, plastic wrapped everything?

Did we do what we pulled a prank on? Oh wait, was it Jeff Rubin at the old college room office where we filled all of the water cups on his desk? Yeah, or was it Josh? Josh? Busted T's Josh. Maybe, I don't know who we pulled that prank on, but we put all of the water, like, water cups of water, like filled to the brim.

Fill to the brim on his desk. He couldn't move it. Slash, get rid of it, quit. We wrapped Ricky's desk in tinfoil one time. Yeah, and every item on his desk in tinfoil. I think one of the best ones that we did was on Kunal, where we, after he left, we disassembled his desk and then flipped it upside down and reassembled it and like installed his computer or all of his monitor.

Basically, we just recreated his desk, but it was upside down. Wow, I don't remember that at all. So to get it back, you had to like take everything apart. Wasn't there something like, on the roof or something? Or am I making that up? Like a desk stapled or taped or something to the roof?

Or a chair on the roof? A desk, oh, taped to the roof? There was a chair on the roof, I think. Yeah, or am I just thinking of a famous picture from 2003. Maybe, yeah, they all run together. Pranks we pulled and the ones we just posted about. They're all my memories, so they're all good.

Did you remember the time I played baseball in the World Series? Oh no, I'm thinking of a different baseball highlight that I watched as a kid once. So you just assumed it happened to me. Which ever seems too mature to have pulled pranks like that. What about you? Have you?

No. Have you ever been the victim of a prank? Well, prank or like surprise birthday? Surprise birthday. Yes. That's the biggest prank of all. Joy. Yeah.

I don't like surprise parties. Anybody ever had a surprise party and got mad because they felt like they had been pranked. Yeah, Jeff sounds like he doesn't like So you walked in there like surprise you were like you tricked me. I've been duped Yeah, well, I mean I thought I was coming home to an empty house and there's a full spread a Cake that tastes fine That's beer that I enjoy

Yes, when I thought I would just kind of be watching TV in my room. So it was in that, I'm starting with fine cake and it's like that. I'm playing with the food that you like best. And your friends and a spread, you said? It was a peasant surprise. Ha ha ha ha. Um, nice.

I don't think I've been pranked. If I, if I really think of it. If I really think of it. You're pranking us by hiring you. So would you let him do it again? Or would you tell your mother, oh, mother, don't pranking us by hiring you. So would you let him do it again? Or would you tell your mother, oh mother, don't let him come in here again.

I would tell mommy, or would you act like it's no big deal? Did she not see the basement? Maybe, yeah, I'm wondering why the mom doesn't care or the mom doesn't know. Maybe they only surround wrapped his shit. They only messed up his stuff. I mean, they will prank you again. Oh, I have to do that again.

Here's a good prank story. I once, with a friend of mine, we slept over a friend's house, then he left the next day for whatever reason, a doctor's appointment, so we moved all the furniture in the house, one inch to the right or left, or something like that.

Not a prank. So there was a little off, and then the mom came home and blamed his little sister's friend, because I guess she's like fucked up in some way and ended up banning the sister's friend from the house. And that's really messed up. You moved every piece of furniture an inch to the left. That's right. Okay. And she noticed and blamed a little girl. But to us, we were 12 year old boys. We thought we like that was the ultimate prank. Yeah, yeah, that a girl had gotten blamed to

prank for the price of fun. Basically, yeah, yeah. That's the smallest prank. What other pranks have you done? Pranks are just, they're all mean. I slash the, I slash the single out of a bad time when everybody else has a good time. Yeah, like a washing attire is a whole person. Like a whole person.

Did you say you slash the tires? No, I said I moved a chair. I mean, you said it's slash the bus tire. Yeah, oh, that's like a little bus or? Yeah, more like a little. That's the destruction of property. It's endangering children. That's true.

It was while they were on the freeway. Right, I don't say that's true. Because we know it's true. You're like Anthony Hopkins in speed. That's not a prank. You're like, he put a bomb on a bus. Oh, that's really good. There's so much from a man. So there's a bomb Hopkins in speed. That's not a prank. That is like he put a bomb on a bus. You know, that's really good. So there's a bomb on a bus.

That's not a prank. These are crimes. These are atrocities. What's the difference? Committed against Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. In a documentary about the movie Speed. So would you like this guy in your house? What?

Is Anthony Hopkins dead ass? He's not at speed. He's not at speed. He's not at speed. He's not at speed. He's in shaft. No. Oh wait, it's Dennis Hopkins. Dennis Hopkins is dead.

Dennis Hopkins is dead. Who's Anthony Hopkins? Anthony Hopkins is hangable actor. And he's very much so alive. He was really good in shaft. Dennis Hopkins is great too. No, it's Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper is great too.

My girl. Dennis Hopkins is a guy that I grew up with. Dennis Haskins is Mr. Belding. Is that who you're thinking of? I think he was the bad guy in speed. That's right. He's thinking of Andrew Randalls. That's what it is.

Who's the one with the amazing voice and great hair? Dennis Hopkins. Hopper. Mario Lopez. My girlfriend's boss dated Mark Hoppas in the 90s. And I forget which blinks song it is, but it's written about her. Well, not Josie. Yeah, no.

I think it is. Call her now. This is insane. What is Josie doing now? She works at a label. Why am I sitting here talking to you when I know the real Josie now?? She works at a label. Why am I sitting here talking to you when I know the real Josie now? You're meaningless.

You didn't even have a hot piss on our podcast? No. Why? Hasn't he ever podcasted? If Josie asks, I feel like he'd have a few. I could interview Hoppiss about Josie all day. Okay, what would you ask first question? What happened?

What happened when? I would say Mark, let me ask you about Josie. And he would, he'd like get a little uncomfortable. Yeah, he'd settle in because we're here. And I'd say what happened there? And I would say it kind of like that cool include, what happened there? That's cool.

Because and that sort of like would allow him to be like, oh, this is a safe space, Drake actually wants to know, and then he'd tell me. And then I don't know what would happen from there, but something he would say would make me curious about another thing. Yeah, we know how it would be like. And that's the follow up question.

I'd also have, that's enough. We are not in touch. I wouldn't play a tactic wherein I wouldn't respond. Like he would say something that he would feel like is it's the end of a story. Like he would, I would say what happened there. And he would be like is it's the end of a story like he would I would say what happened there And he would be like we went our separate ways. Yeah, and then you think that I would like smooth it over But like okay, let's talk about damn which is what you should know, but I would just

You would stare that's bad and then he sort of gets uncomfortable again And he's like uncomfortable. That's what I was gonna say and then he like tell me more about Josie So that's a tactic that I would employ. You're using words like tactic and like making someone uncomfortable shifting body language. He doesn't want to be on the podcast if that's the case. Well, we haven't even asked him. You won't.

I don't have his contact info. Of course. But we know someone who knows this ex. Josie. So you want me? Josie, you're mine. Sorry. So our post frustration.

What were we saying? It's me, my girlfriend, her boss, and her boss's ex. That's four points of separation. And then on top of that, you're gonna ask him to be on a podcast. I wanna interview Travis too. You want more. He was ignoring you.

He wants more than Mark. I would like to talk to Travis. I want to talk to Tom. An acoustic Blink 182 reunion concert. That's all for you. I would just want to sit here and request shit. So not a play-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi-voi Can other people enjoy the music? It should really be for me. Can you invite a friend so that they can also release the podcast that we record together wide. You would have a wide release.

You've been staying at the W. That's right. You've been sending me your room service bills. You want to be tended to like a queen. Mm-hmm. Why? I love you. Yeah.

Would you let this guy back into your house? I forgot that this was even a question. I forgot that we had asked a question. Don't let him back in. Don't let him back in. All right. Just ask it if he's with him. That'll show me once Shaman, you fool me twice.

Shaman, me. Although, is it really shaming if he's just gonna dog sit? So it's like, you're not allowed to do me this favor anymore. You'd lost that opportunity, Bucco. Or is it like more of a punishment to be like? I mean, you have to come up with that. I mean, you have to come up with that. I mean, it's not that hard. You fill a punishment to be like? I mean, now you have to come up like, it's not that hard. You fill a fucking container with some food,

kick the dog and then, what was that second part? I say, you fill the container with some food. You guys are the first one. Water too, so food and water. You have to put in water, good. Kick the dog on your way out. Don't do that.

Get in line, fucker. And then, you get out. Let the dog out. You let the dog out. You let the dog out. You have to pick up the food. You have to pick up the dog. Walk the dog, kick the dog out. You let the dog out. You let the dog out. It's a doggy doggy. You have to pick up the poop. Walk the dog, kick the dog.

Don't kick the doggy. And then you pet the dog. It's here just so it feels like it's worth a damn. And pet the dog. So the dog is good. Now, I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog.

I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog. I'm cutting the dog You have to water the dog. You don't have to water it. You don't put water on a dog.

And then kick it. It's. Don't kick it. You spray the dog. No. If it's been bad. The dog isn't being bad. You're bad.

It should spray the dog barks at you when you come in because it's like, because it's used to you kicking it. Yeah. That's when you spray it. No. You don't get to prank this guy. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. I don't know if you guys know this, but life can be low-key stressful or anxious at times.

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And thank you to Squarespace. Bonus content. This guy wrote a Jeffrey the dumbass script because he's such a huge fan of the videos. I thought we could read it. Let's read it together. This is a cold reading of Jeffrey the dumbass Tinder. We've gotten a lot of these, and this guy's the lucky winner.

Yeah. I feel bad for other people who have sent in. That's okay. This guy had a question in addition to the reading. I try not to read any of them that I'm sent because I don't want to act like even subconsciously take lines from it. Oh, I see. And some of them are good. Yeah. All right. So this one is called every the dumbest in here. You did take a line. I had given him writing credit. Let's start off interior day head gum conference room. Jacob andir are seated at a conference table during conference call with their accountant.

The accountant says, after looking over the numbers, I can honestly say in the 30 years I've been doing this, I've never seen anything like it. You're on the path to complete and utter bankruptcy. I recommend immediate liquidation of all your assets. Jeffrey climbs from under the conference table and hangs up the conference call. What are you doing, Jeff?

Like right now? Yes. Jeff, that was a very important business call. Okay. What are you doing, Jeff? Like, right now? Yes. Jeff, that was a very important business call. Why did you do that? Bored. I mean, wherever you've been, by the way. The last time I saw you was two weeks ago, you showed up to the office at 4.45

with your suitcase. A camel-backed water bottle full of nail polish remover. And a plain ticket to Vancouver, shouting about how you're going to explore down under. You took a swig of the nail polish remover, then ran out of the office and hopped onto the back of a moving trash truck. What have you been doing the last 14 days? Been working on my threander profile. I love you guys's advice. Do you mind?

Of course we mind. We need to call our account back. We're ruined and you're sitting down. This is unwelcome. First thoughts, reactions, notes, all positive would be good for me. Right off the bat, you're not even in the first profile on your first picture on your profile. It appears to be a plate of vegetable fried rice with sriracha sauce. You thought this was a good idea for attracting potential women online? Exactly right. Oh Jesus. Take the phone and swipe to the next picture.

Eh. I guess this one's a little better. At least you're in the picture, but why did you think this picture of you and a bathrobe holding a copy of the movie Taken Three would be a good addition to your Tinder profile? It's obviously the worst of the Taken trilogy. I'm in a bathrobe.

Yes. I don't, you saw them. You still have notes. It shows my quirky side. How the hell does this picture? You know what, never mind. We haven't even addressed your Tinder bio. Let me read it verbatim.

My name is Jeff. I'm a 72 year old billionaire looking for a sad time. I enjoy long walks on a peach. Yes, and wearing shorts in my spare time. Swipe left if you're under eight feet. I enjoy long walks on a peach and wearing jorts in my spare time. Swipe left if you're under eight feet. How can someone be so irredeemably stupid? I appreciate it.

This is all good for me to hear. No. But why don't you tell me what you really think? What do you think we've been doing the whole time? We're telling you what we think. You're a dumbass. Why are you angry? Cause I called you a dumbass.

What have I done to deserve this attack? All right, look at all my matches. I can't even count there's so many of them. There's five. Can you not really count to five? Maybe, but maybe bot. Yeah, speaking of bots, four of these matches are obviously fake accounts.

You set up to trick yourself into paying money on campsites. It looks like you've fallen for it four times too. Jesus, how much money did you lose? Worth every penny to go to the one actual date I managed to set up through the bish. Where did you take her? Well, it started like every date of a red om, 45 minute shower, crying all time. Sad.

And then I picked her up at her place, right? Yeah. Guess what kind of car I drive? It's not in all times. Sad. Then I picked her up at her place, right? Yeah. Guess what kind of car I drive? Well, it's not in the script. Saturn. Then I picked her up at her place. We went out to grab a bite to eat. Or should I say, a bite of meat.

We went to a vegan restaurant. So it's not a bite of meat. Long story, George, I ended up getting lucky. Pepper spray and all. What does that even mean? Knock on the door our woman enters. Hi, I'm supposed to eat Jeff from Tinter at this address. Is he here?

All right, sweetheart, let's skip all the bullshit and get straight to the good shit. Jeff takes out a spray bottle and sprays himself. Woo-hoo! Woo! Woo! Woo! That's good.

Cutting back and forth, screaming and... All right, thoughts? Good. I'm glad that he ended with establishing the Jeff sprays himself with pepper spray. Yeah, I don't want to be a predator. In that moment, I was like, Jesus, what are we reading right now? But no, Jeff, I like that he goes on a date,

sprays himself with me. And then runs away. And that's getting lucky. I love the bio made me laugh. Oh yeah. I'm a 72 year old billionaire looking for a sad time. Long walks on the peach is pretty good. That is really good. All right, let's get to one more question before we have to get the hell out of here. All right. This one is from another dude. Jeffrey, a name. This one is from another dude, Jeffrey, a name. Gordon.

Any last name? Air. Air Gordon. Yeah. Hey guys, I said, Gordon Air. I said, you both a Snapchat and an email to Marty, okay? My brother and I, my brother and I had an less effective way to communicate with head gum

My brother and I had an idea for a podcast. It would be about our deranged perverted Nana who makes way too many cookies Resensor grandchildren and his borderline skits a frenic all in a gentle loving way Each episode starts with her making some random screech sound and or swearing at the neighborhood pigeon boys Eating the lasagna she left in the yard Picture Christmas dinner Nana Nana's prancing around in a towel. That's way too small completely unaware that at 6.30 and we were all already eating She sings a perverted parody of a Disney song the whole table turns to look at her and I say, Nana, it's Christmas, please put something on.

And she says, how about this motherfucker? It's another fan script. And flashes the table. Do you have any advice or could you ask your audience what they think about this podcast and whether it has potential? Sounds like a web series, more of the podcast. Yeah, it's a sketch. Yeah, but it's a web series more than podcasts. Yeah, it's like, it's a sketch.

Yeah, but it's a reoccurring character. If Nana does a podcast, I don't think you can, you can't box Nana in. You know, like she's gotta come up with her own show. What does she want it to be? A weekly racist diatribe? What is the Nana show? So you sit down with Nana and you say,

what do you want to get off your chest? Did you bring this up because we're trying to convince Jeff to start a podcast? Yeah. You won't do it. So this is one of our pitches to you, the Nana cast. Can you beat it? Would you co-host this podcast? Where's this guy from? He is from Iceland, Northern Iceland, in the Arctic Circle. So we could maybe ask him to come here or you could record a winter. Well, I was gonna say, Jeffrey could spend a winter in Accu-Rerry. So what do you say?

The you'd go. Guernsey? Yeah. So you would fly to Guernsey first thing tomorrow. You already wearing the sweater for it. Is that Icelandic lamb? Nice. It's not a Icelandic lamb's wool.

Okay. Oh my God. It is. Jake is allergic to Icelandic lamb. Oh, I didn't realize as Soon as he touched it. He sort of his throat started to glow. That was violent. Yeah, but bless you by the way. Thank you And I'm sorry. Yeah. Well, thanks. Yeah, Jen Carlo does he does does he do this in this is just because of me? Yeah, I didn't sneeze once he's never sneeze John Carlos John Carlo has been filming me for the better part of a decade Have you ever seen me sneeze?

No, so just on my episode. I guess some sort of allergy or something whatever man Nana cast What this what's the advice started or not not? Okay, All right. Yeah, no, Riley and I want to start a podcast, but I have to graduate first. And then once you graduate, maybe it can be about that, which is in 13 days.

By the time you start a 13 day, how many tickets do you get to that, that's it? I'd love to see you walk. I don't wanna invite you guys. Yeah, I think I should party. I'd know. No, not a party. I really wanna be at the ceremony of it.

Oh, you wanna be cool? Cause everybody does like a thing on the back of their hats. Oh, like a hat. Jeffries would be head gum. Oh, that's fun. So to me, the head gum logo, whether it be the logo or the name. And then like on the robe,

it says like download and subscribe. That's cool. And you take it off and you're wearing what's wrong And you take it off and you're wearing, what's wrong? You take it off and you're wearing a head. And this is all when he's like, he goes to like shake the diploma. Oh, and then he's a dabs on. Right, so he dabs the jeans hand.

He goes to shake the hands for the diploma. Not shake the diploma, I didn't say that. He did, no, it didn't. We'll play it. Rewind the tape. Rewind the tape, everybody. You know I didn't say that. At Jeffrey, if I did, and not, don't I. We'll play it. Rewind the tape. Rewind the tape, everybody. You know I didn't say that. At Jeffrey, if I did, and not, don't I say that?

At him. So you go to shake, diploma. Devin, he dab on him. He dab on him. And then, and then your, then your Dean is obviously, he's taking it back for a moment. That's cool. But then he sees you, and he's like,

come on, he does the Ponzi. Yeah, he hugs you. And then you, and then you see, then, yeah, can you the Ponzi. Yeah, he hugs you. And then you see, then yeah, can you take your arms and just go like this for a second? Oh! Oh! My nuts!

Amir, I would gladly have you at the ceremony. Jake, you're fired. This is crazy, you're an editorial assistant on the goddamn co-founder. I could fire you Yeah, but it has to be unanimous. Yeah between me and Jeff and Marty and I have already spoken out like without it I feel like I can at least object you can I can have jack you have to You have to object we heard that and we also have to take your computer and leave That you my phone go on take your computer and leave. That's your phone. Go on, take the laptop and run. Nice.

Yeah, we don't have any ideas for the podcast. But we need to do something. Graduation recently, graduate new person in the world, hardly employable, unemployable, very, and unemployable. Fun employable. That's a good name for a show. Fun invited.

That's nice. And it's all about how we don't get invited to shit. That's fun or... In general. Never mind. What about Jeffrey the dumbcast? I think we want to do it where it's more just us. Oh, and less in character.

Yeah. So you think you're not dumb. Never mind. Ask me any question about the world, something I should know and I'll know it and I'll tell you. What's the capital of California? Capital of California, capital C. What? The C is the capital in California.

Like the C, like the letter E means like you have to capitalize C. Capital C is at the beginning of the word. So, find out the C. Oh, the C. Yeah, that actually is really smart. Okay, thanks. Yeah. The sea is capital in California.

I think that's pretty cool. Yeah. I actually really like that. What are the three? In fact, I'm hired. This is your own job interview. I work in, we'll be in touch. Yeah.

We will be in touch. Let's just roleplay a job interview with you right now. Okay. Hey, Mr. Hurwitz, thank you for so much for coming in. We're really excited about the prospect open your eyes. You're nervous. I'm fucking dead serious about getting this job sir. Okay. If I had to fill this room up with pens, how many pens would it take? It only take one. No. That's the one. I mean, it's for my college and And I'll get this done. What? You're honor.

I will fill the room with one pen because I'll write on all the walls and I'll write a love letter to this company because I want to work here. I need to work here. And frankly, I already do work here. Now, where's my goddamn desk cost? How far is the sun for me here? A million billion miles, fucker. A million billion?

Fucker. You just swore at me. Get the hell out of my mouth. I love this guy. What? Your heart is ringing. What the team has needed for the better part of a year. A large pen and an attitude that won't quit.

And he swears for fun. We're out of time. I don't know what to say. Do we answer one question? We answered one. The dog, the saran wrap. Do we answer one question? We answered one. The dog, the saran wrap. And we read a script. And the nana cast, which is a no.

And it's a hard-known from me, a hard-passed on the nana cast. Jeffrey, thank you for coming by. I'm gonna talk to nana. I just don't want to talk to a reps anymore. Do you want to promote anything like your future podcast or something? Jeffrey, the dumb ass off days, obviously. Bowling Hornie Season 2. Naturally.

Um, Riley's nice podcast soon to be, soon to be named, soon to be existing. Uh, and, uh, I'm, don't play no James on Twitter. I am Jeffrey James on Instagram. Uh-huh. And Riley and I are beginning to write a web series. Okay. That we are going to produce.

Sure. Whoa. Is this, you guys have two roles As in your bangos with bread It's gonna be what sag new media after you media don't talk about unions when you look like that roll the credits. It's really over. It's disappearing. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, sharp dot com.