If I Were You - Bonus: Quiet Sex (2019)

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

In this episode we discuss angry parents and library books. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gamma region. What is this a new if I were you podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never gave up. That never unsubscribed so please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You recorded at our old studio in 2018. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If only I were you, sharp dot com. Hell yeah. Alright. Are you okay? I'm good. You kind of drunk a little bit, just a little bit. I really? Yeah.

Well, I'm not that drunk. Because I saw you, but to the right of the couch, which I could still see, you have a little, you took a little. I have a nis away from the last. I have a flat, can I have a handle over there? It's 240. I was vaping downstairs, I have a weed pen. Is everything okay? Yeah, if I'm feeling, if you can tell that I,

that I'm a little out of it, maybe I just need to, like, don't do another drug, yeah, if that's true. No, I would just like, fucking sc don't do another drug. Yeah, if that's true, I would just, I would just like fucking skull a rail of cocaine just like, to even me out. You're fine. If I just need to like, you're fine. Yeah. I'm gonna have to do any right. Well, I just skull a rail. It's kind of like this delicate balance of like, I get drunk and I'm like a little crazy and then I like to,

I smoke a little weed to mill on me out. But I get to mill every every day is that roller coaster. It's not every single day because I wake up and I am not like fucked up Because I like slept it off, but I never wake up with a headache. Yeah It's easy to get rid of a headache. You just fucking caffeine or a special or just juice. You just bang out a real Water It's not a line of cocaine. You use a humidifier Like it sort of doesn't it doesn't dry you out, so that keeps you hydrated. I wake up healthy. I don't get it.

I definitely, I wake up like over hydrating. I'm usually drenched in sweat. So I need the powder to dry my shit. You drenched in sweat means you're dehydrated, because your body is excelling on wet. Yeah, I wake up and I'm wet. Yeah, that's dehydration. If I wake up and I'm super wet, I'll try to do some blow.

No, it's not that you do it. It's not that you want to do the coca- like Arles and how you do it. I'll just room out for a little bit. Shroom out now. Yeah. So cocaine to transits abs. Acid.

Special K. Pills and alcohol. Daily. I didn't say anything about alcohol. and alcohol. Daily. I didn't say anything about alcohol. You don't drink? I have a little whiskey. Yeah, you say you had a whiskey in the handle.

I'm sorry, I'm feeling out of it. I feel like I need to do a bunch of blow because then I'll be a little more focused. To blow. Please don't do blow. All right, well, I just feel like maybe I overdo it on the weed. It's a bonus video Thursday episode of our show. Yeah, if I were you. That's why I try to stay a little sober for these cool runs.

A little sober. We're on video. Usually when we do the pond, yeah. I wake and bake. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, and that's like, we sometimes do it by coastal, so I can't like keep tabs on you. Right, exactly. Yeah, that's what I prefer.

What's in that? Juice. What's that? Zaddy's juice. What's that until the Zaddy's juice? Zaddy's juice is just jungle juice that I lace with cocaine. If you drink cocaine, does it also do what it does?

I would think not. Otherwise, people would just drink it. Interesting. Yeah. Putting in would just drink it. Interesting. Yeah. Putting in your nose seems uncomfortable. Like if you can just, then it's just that's, you put in your, if you snorted alcohol,

it would be like fast away to get drunk, right? I'll take a fucking line of vodka. That's just like, would it be as popular if you had to snort it? Can you butt chug heroin? I'm serious. Can you put heroin and water and butt chug it? It's a good question.

Who says no to that? Thank you guys so much for watching. These are as usual real questions from real people. Only differences. Every other Thursday, you get to watch us. And it is completely free of advertisements, marketing, get out of here. We're not here to sell out.

This is direct to consumer. They're paying us $5 a month for content. We're delivering it straight. We're not free. We're not trying to monetize every nicking fucking cranny. Yeah, right, okay. They do sell an ad. I sold another ad tight deal.

I don't even wanna call it branded content because that is such a negative connotation. You remember, you like, you ham up so much that we don't sell at and then you're like, I have one little ad. Like, you remember like months ago, I sold one and they wanted you to read it. Yeah, so that one went awesome.

That one was good for business. They sent me another one. Do you mind? I forwarded it to you. If you can just read it for old. Yeah, I do awesome. That was good for business. They set me another one. Do you mind? I forwarded it to you. If you can just read it full. Yeah, I do mind. I don't, because I don't want to sell. Because I sort of,

are you, like you didn't even promise to give me any money from that first one, by the way. So you'll pay as soon as they, the only thing is, like, it's not just you might have done this. I think it's not. Yeah, just give me a W9. I just give you a cash.

Are you, did you send them a W9? Yes. I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really too, because this has to be like, well, I won't be able to stare into the camera and read it, because you just entered to me. Do your best. Imagine a raisin, the size of a fig. That's cool. Now a little smaller, a little smaller. So we're getting to a raisin. I don't fucking know.

What you're holding is a new grapepe from the makers of Blastic. That's awesome. It's this... Try not to editorialize, okay? It's the size of a grain of sand but wrinkly. How? The answer is pseudo-science. Interesting. Shut up.

Shut the fuck up, actually. It gets better. For every micro-raising we sell, I love this. Two more donated worldwide. To I don't know, Canadians for all I care. Are you sure you didn't write this? It sounds familiar now that you're reading it, but I don't, I don't think I just forwarded all. So what can we do to help? Well, as of now this product is just a fever dream in the mind of a man in a coma and Vermont. Venmo a mirror or maybe even I'll set up a dummy.

I feel like you you sent me the draft instead of the final. Let's keep reading it. We'll cut it. And we can get to work because hey, when we're working together, there's no reason I shouldn't get rich off this. LOL coupon code cash. I really think this is so. I'm down to donate some to the cause. What was the Venmo name again? You said a mere. Oh mine.

Yeah. So you want people to Venmo you for I guess a very tiny reason to revive this guy. It's okay. So now it's like a go fund me for for a guy it's comb up for his medical bills to Venmo you directly. It seems like a circuitous route. Like if they could just give more directly to like the hospitalers. I wanna like present them with one big envelope

with the one big like, check. All right, cool, so this is nothing to do with the raisins. The raisins, the fuck are you talking about? You said imagine a raisin the size of a fig, now smaller, now smaller. That was to get people talking, I think. So don't have notes for me, if you don't even know what you're looking for. Now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller.

That was a big, now smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller.

That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller.

That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it's smaller. That was a big, now it,200. That's insane. For what? For this guy's coma? Well, I said that I was sick. All right. This is a separate scheme then. You have lots of different schemes to get people to Venmo you. I have like different avenues. You're a good one.

What did you do? You wrote like Venmo requested your entire family or you like wrote an email? Both, yeah. Independence is about having different revenue streams. So that one dries up. You're still getting your life. You're just more like, text savvy, a homeless person.

You're a text savvy bum is what you are. Yes. Yes. Yes. Instead of a sign, you're just Venmo requesting people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like getting Venmo. You said it correctly.

I'm getting Venmo requested for people. Okay, well don't agree with me. Like we're having a casual conversation about what. I'm accusing you of a crime, I think. Don't dance. This isn't a good thing. This is a sad day for you. You're happy because you got $1,200.

That's not a dag. If you're happy and you got 1,200, clap your hands. And if you're gonna get more cash, fap your hands. No, don't. Oh God, I hate that. All right, let's answer some questions. This guy is kind of in a sticky situation after getting down with the total dime piece

last night. Ooh, so we'll call him FDR. Why? Because he's on the dime. I'm getting down with the total dime piece last night and the gag is I still live with my parents while I'm at college. So I did all the traditional cover-ups, turn the TV on to mask the sound, try it to be as quiet as possible.

I thought I was in the clear because in the morning my mom was none the wiser and carried on as though everything was normal. However, on the way to school I received a a text from my dad, and it said, no more girls while we're home, too uncomfortable and disrespectful. Ooh, Ouch. So he 100% heard me. I'm embarrassed beyond belief, and I want to hear what would you guys do? Should I pretend that he's imagining things?

Should I just ignore it? And we never have to talk about this again? Has this ever ever happened to whether one of you guys Thanks for your advice love FDR cool. This happened to me all the time. You brought ladies home during college It was I think it was after yeah, maybe during college and then after college. And you would just hang out with them in your room all night. Yeah. Thin walls, old house, people heard.

Right. TV on to drown audio or that's also noticeable. It was, I mean, it wasn't like, it wasn't loud, but like, I guess, yeah. Were you trying to be a little quiet? Yes. But you were caught in. I guess you're trying to be a little quiet. Yes. But you were caught. We're trying to be a little quiet,

like actual like, no yelling wise. Yeah, I feel like that only works to an extent. Like we have to be quiet, we have to be quiet. And then at a certain point, you just sort of lose yourself to this act and you're like, oh shit, I think I screamed. Like you almost brown out. I think what ends up happening,

like if other rooms are completely quiet, even if you're not making that much noise, it's like, it's hearable. If you're utterly silent in your house, and you just hear people sort of like having a muffled conversation, you can hear that. Everything's hearable inside of house.

So like, there's not necessarily me like going, oh my god, but it's sort of just like this, like quiet. E, E, E, E. Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That kind of thing. Yeah.

So whether or not they heard, were you ever called out on it? Yes, yeah, yeah. Like the next day, my mom would be like, that was too loud. She'll say that to you. Yeah. And then you're like, sorry.

Yeah. But it wouldn't do anything. Well, maybe, I feel a little bad. It was a little uncomfortable, obviously. It was like, gross. Stop talking to me about this. Yeah. But she's right here still.

Not all eating cereal together. You know, Jill, she's married to me about this. Yeah, but she's right here still. Not all eating cereal together. You know Jill, she's married to me now, mom. Don't tell me that that was uncomfortable in front of her. Well, I mean, now I feel like I wouldn't get caught. It'd be fine. That's cool. They'd be encouraged. I think I was giving them grandchildren.

That's good, because it should lead to another generation. That's right. How did it go? Do you need anything, et cetera? Yeah, et cetera, et cetera. At this point, they're trying to another generation. That's right. How did it go? Do you need anything, et cetera? Yeah, et cetera, et cetera. At this point, they're trying to facilitate it. Jill, another glass of wine? Why don't you guys retire early?

It's 415, Mom. Please, please. So this has happened to you. Did it happen to you? No, I would never bring somebody home to my parents' house. You've never even brought someone home while your parents were home? I mean, girlfriends slept over, but, uh, I don't think we would have sex. You didn't even have sex.

You never even had sex in your parents' house while they were there. I can't remember that I did, because it was never like, I was there for a month with my girlfriend. It would be like, oh, she slept over for a night. Let's not have sex, because we're next to my parents for a night. Right. You know, logical things. Yeah, that's true, I guess, that's fair. Is this guy certain that the dad heard him

or is it just like they knew a girl was there and he said, don't? Uh, he said, it really matter. Yeah, he said, no more girls while we're home, way too uncomfortable and disrespectful. So I assume they heard. Yeah, I mean, that's a pretty forceful text. I think you just gotta say,

I mean, you can't do anything except say, I'm sorry. Should I pretend he's imagining things? Yeah, I mean, if you're on, what do you talk about? Dad, there was no girl here. The thing is, if you're uncomfortable, all you can do is be like,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Let's not talk about it, I'm sorry it won't happen again. And then it's over. But like, if you're uncomfortable and you're like, it didn't happen and then your dad was like, no, I heard like the headboard banging against the wall and you're like, that was something else. You actually locked the door.

Me and your mother will react when it sounded like that. Yeah, there's no like that just makes it more uncomfortable. There's not anything that like saves your dad isn't going to be like, oh, okay, I guess I didn't hear you fucking anyone. So would you even respond to the text? Thumbs up reaction? Yeah, I would respond and be as respectful as possible. I am really sorry, that was not cool.

It won't happen again. It was rude of me. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That you have to knock it off. And then you do have to knock it off. I mean, you didn't knock it off. You just apologized, moved on. My parents were way more chill.

I never got that kind of, if I'd gotten that kind of text from my dad, if he was like, this was really disrespectful, I think I would have done way more to hide it. I still would have done it. I would have done it. More to hide it. I was definitely more like,

it was, my parents like teased me about it. It wasn't like, it wasn't like how dare you. Yeah, it wasn't, they just aren't that like sober of people. How close were your rooms? I was, this was like when I was in the attic and there were rooms on the second floor. So there was to serve as some distance.

It a room is right below my. Oh my God. That's directly below. it's directly below. It's directly below. I don't know where this location, the room could be, it was directly below. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what they heard. I don't know, they didn't tell me exactly.

That's a mon. Mom, dad, no. Re-enact, please. They would be embarrassed. They wouldn't tell you what they heard. So yeah, you have to reply, don't ignore it. You have to say, quick apology ignore it. You have to say quick apology, quick apology. Take a beat. Yep, maybe one day you can find your own apartment. Yeah. And in the meantime,

just like don't have this stuff in your room. If there's an area of the house that's really far away, actually, you can get away with it again. A basement. A shed of sorts. Thank you to see the thing is for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right, our podcast is being sponsored by another podcast. Wow, what a time to be alive. See the thing is, is a podcast hosted by Grammy Award-winning

R&B artist Bridget Kelly and media personality and podcast trailblazer. Mandy B, twice a week, Bridget and Mandy have very funny, fun, interesting, informative conversations about political things, pop culture things. They talk about relationships between themselves and other people. They're not afraid to get controversial, but it's always very fun and funny, and their opinions on the show are real and brought to you by not only themselves, but guests that they like to call their friends with benefits.

So if you're interested in hearing them talk to Big Freeta, Remi Ma, perhaps Chloe Bailey, check them out. It's see the thing is, which you can follow and subscribe to on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or on YouTube. They got new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and video episodes on their YouTube on Wednesday and Saturday. So check them out. It's C the thing is. Thank you to Athletic Greens for sponsoring this episode of our program. I take AG1 as soon as I wake up because I don't really remember to take vitamins. There's nothing exciting

about putting a pill in your mouth and drinking it. But AG1 gives you all the vitamins you need without necessarily even having to take a pill you just put a scoop of it in your water and you're drinking a good drink and then you're like, wait a minute, that wasn't just delicious. It's actually filled with all these things that I need to help my immune system, to help my gut, to help clarity and energy. Every scoop is packed with 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food sourced ingredients of the highest quality to give you major benefits, like that mood support and boosted energy.

Healthier looking skin, hair, and nails. People are often shocked to find out that I'm actually 63 years old, because I look so young and spry. Thanks in no small part to athletic greens. So if you want to try AG1, if you want to make that part of your life, there's no better way to do that than by going to athleticgreens.com slash if I were you, and they give you a free one year supply of vitamin D and

five free travel packs with your first purchase of that AG1 powder. So just go to athleticgreens.com slash if I were you, that's right. Athleticgreens.com slash if I were you, check it out, treat your body right, and honestly it tastes good regardless of how well it makes you feel. So you might as well try it for that too. Thank you Athletic Greens. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Gosh, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace for the past 10 years and they've only gotten better.

You can pretty much build an amazingly professional looking if it's an online portfolio or maybe a website for somebody else, a website for an event you have coming up, you have something that you want to sell, you want email campaigns, blogging tools, 24-7 award-winning customer support. You can do it all through Squarespace and it's so simple, even Jake figured it out. That's right, and I can make fun of him because he's not here to defend himself. Actually not here to defend himself.com. It's probably available if you want to buy that URL. Or maybe you can buy the URL of a new baby in your life.

Somebody has a child. Actually, I made it. I'm gonna do that for Jake's child. Okay, scrap that. I'm gonna steal that one and hold it accountable for later. I'm gonna do that, but if there's somebody else's name in your life, you want to buy that.com. You could do it all through Squarespace.

And if you go to squarespace.com slash, if I were you, you can launch a trial for free. And when you're ready to pull the trigger and launch that website for real, just use that promo code if I were you to save 10%. You can save 10% off. They're already low low prices. If you just go to that squarespace.com slash if I were you, mess around, check out that free trial, and then when you're ready to launch, just use that promo code if I were you.

Sounds good? I thought so. You're gonna have to build a website soon enough, and when you do, just remember squarespace. Thanks, squarespace. All right, next question. Yep. This one's a party animal. Who?

So, who's the biggest party animal in your life? Uh, Jeff Rosenberg. Jeff Rosenberg writes, long time listener, second time writer, I'm an real predicament of my own doing. Almost four years ago, I threw a party and some kid was giving me problems in my own house. So like the macho man I am,

I warned him multiple times to not keep messing with me. He then proceeded to knock over some game of beer pong, I set up, but I lost it on this punk. I grabbed a samurai sword that sits on my mantle, and I gave him a small nick on the knee. It got blown out of proportion at school and people called me samurai for a while. Long story short, we made up and everything was fine.

Four years later to the current date, he's been selling drugs and I guess turned into like a drug dealer that hangs out with real thugs now. He messaged me the other day, saying he wants $200 or he's coming to take the money I owe him for what I did when we were 16. Like, what the actual fuck did I do? Is it stupid to want to fight him? Should I just give him $200 because I was a dick four years ago? I really don't want to hand over $200 but I don't know if I can scrap with real thugs.

Thanks guys. Uh, he sent a picture too. What a strange predicament. So this guy wants $200 bucks. It's a really small detail but I like that this guy thinks it was blown out of proportion. Yeah. This photo is pretty bad. That's a really small detail, but I like that this guy thinks it was blown out of proportion. Like this photo is pretty bad.

That's like a pretty deep cut. That's, yeah, like it was all blown out of, you attack someone with a sword. Yeah. Also, I like, that's, it's more than just a slice. That's like a slice with a little opening. Yeah. And there's blood on the knee. And there's gauze on the blood.

Right. And there's blood on the ground. Yeah. So,ze on the blood. Right, so there's blood on the ground. Yeah, so I think that your nickname of the samurai is earned. Yeah. What you should do is obviously tell this guy that you're going to meet him with the thugs and the 200 bucks. Uh-huh. And then go like superhero.

You show up, you have your samurai sword. No. Yeah. It's like, oh you wanted some of this? I sing! You remember me? Well, the story is not yet finished. Sing! Yeah, you owe me 200 bucks. Yeah, scraped my knee. Do you accept Venmo? Yeah, sure. Venmo, cash. As long as it's like a private transaction. Incoming Venmo from... Ding, ding, the samurai.

Well, it looks like a really heavy sword. Like you're having a kind of a hard time holding it. I have a thought. You cut yourself a little. Yeah, it's very sharp. Yeah, just your wrist hurt? It does. Amput holding it. I have arthritis. You come yourself a little. Yeah, it's very sharp. Yeah, does your wrist hurt? It does. Amputate it.

Also, it's a very matte sword. You're making all the sound effects of your mouth. You know what, keep the money. You're a loser now. See how that worked? That's cool. Would you give them $200? No.

This happened to you. Of course not. First slicing is leg open. You can't come and request it four years later. Yeah, but you also don't want to scrap with thugs. I don't think that meeting them and giving them $200 gets you out scot-free. Like there's no way that the thugs meet up again

and they're like, all right, who else should we rob? It went pretty well when we rob Jeff. Yeah. They'll be like, no, like they keep on going back to the well is dry. I would imagine what you have to do is just be like, that's not happening. But then what are you, what if they beat you up? I just, I, I sort of my theory is that they won't beat you up. They are, they're more like a threatening group. They want to threaten people to get quick, easy money

if they get it great and if they don't, they move on to the next thing. They're just looking for a target. They're looking for a mark. They're villains and that's why you have to stand up for the little man. That's what the superhero does. Zing, zing, zing.

Rain coming down, a hood just dripping right past your face, looking at the ground, as as a skew but then All it's on the ground Is there a finders be I kind of just saved you Where'd he go? And then yeah, then like the fucking, your buddy's head just rolls off his body. See you fucking decapitated someone.

He was a thug. Oh my God. They wanted $200 from the fucking samurai. We owe you so much more than that. Time for your earn the nickname. That's cool. The samurai coming soon to, I don't know, Netflix, I guess. What would you do if somebody?

What I wanted money from you I'd sell them instantly $200 leave me the fuck alone though Now here's the cash get out of my face jackass What tough guy? I'll give you your money just get the fuck out of here unless you want more and then you scram Yeah, there's 300 piece be with you change, but take your dumbass away from my town and don't come back now here unless you want a little more money in which case Venmo requests me from afar. Here's a thousand dollars. Keep my parents name out of your mouth. And just in case you need it, I'll write down their bank info, their routing number and their account number.

And you can set up a wire transfer, recurring if you want. Your little rascal. But if I see you, take one more time, then let's say 40 grand. Your ass is grass, and I'm gonna call the cops. Otherwise, you'll notice and shut you out. Sing!

All right, last question. Okay. Go ahead. Any time? What? Yeah. Where you at? Yes. Something? All right. Okay. Yes. It is. A. Yes, yes. All right. Yes.

It is. A guy who's concerned about his sister. Me. You, writes. I'm in a library, and everyone keeps, the library keeps everyone's reservations on the shelf arranged by a certain name with a card holder's name is clearly visible.

My sister's reservations were on the shelf over from mine, and I saw that she had on the shelf waiting to be picked up a book. That's right, the title was, quote, living with a narcissist. I know that she likes to read books about all sorts of things, so do I. But I was worried by this particular choice, as I know that she and her husband seem to have had some troubles recently. She's been spending a lot of time at work and less time at home, frequently going away on business trips.

It's to the point where there's a lot of pressure on their relationship because he's putting his career above his family. When he comes to family gatherings, he looks at his phone a lot of the time, is short with people, and doesn't say much. A few days after noticing the book, I asked my sister she's been reading anything interesting, but she said that she hadn't. So my question is, what do I do about this? I wouldn't really call it snooping to see a book in a library shelf because I was there too, but I don't know if it's my place to ask her about it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks. I got a lot of opinions on this, but you go ahead. Depends on your relationship. I should be. I should be. I should be. See me. All right, go ahead.

How close are you with this sister? Like, is it like kind of distant where you feel bad saying, hey, I noticed you read to that book called Living with a Narcissist, anything you wanna tell me, or do you like do what you just did, which is like, hey, read anything, interestingly, make yourself available

in case they wanted to talk about it. Yeah, right? Doesn't it seem almost like book aside? You don't have to get her to talk about the book. She's like, it almost seems like all the information that you need to ask her about her relationship is there. Yeah, like the guy travels a lot. There's pressure on the relationship.

He's mean at family outings. You don't need to be like, I saw you had a book about narcissism. Is that related? Yeah, that's about you. There's one called the snooping brother. How to keep a wheeze a lot of your family forever. You don't have to find the mystery behind the book.

If you're worried about your sister's relationship and you wanna have a check in with her, I feel like that's fine. But how much do you press? She's like, it's fine, whatever. Are you like, no, it's not fine. I wouldn't press. I would ask an honest, open question,

and let whoever I'm asking know that they don't have to tell me about it, but if they want to, I'm there, and I'm curious, and I care. And if your sister feels like sharing with you, then she will, and if she doesn't, then she won't. And if maybe your concerns are all for not, she'll let you know. Is there anything to the idea that if it's an older sister,

younger sister, your relationship will be different? Like, are you more protective of your younger sister than your older? I used to be. Now I'm like, if they're evening out a little bit more now that the triplets are in their thugs. Now everyone's like sort of an adult. Yeah, Michael's still a baby, but the triplets are 30.

It sort of feels like when I check, I don't have to like protect them an adult. Yeah, Mike is still a baby, but the tripletor 30, it sort of feels like when I check, I don't have to like protect them very much. They're all the same age as you. I probably didn't have to protect them for a long time, but I still felt that, like, it felt a little bit more like older brother relationship with them, like, we talk and I'm like much quicker to be like, I can help with this if you need it.

Do you want my advice on this stuff? Yeah. And my older sister, I'm way more demure. And I'm like, and I ask her about stuff, but when she has problems, I'm like, you'll figure that out. All right. I know you will.

You're the older sister. Here's the best. You taught me to like Billy Joel. Who talked to you, younger sister? I'll give him a knuckle sandwich. So a job interview? You want me to kill, you want me to kick his ass? It's a female boss who's leading the interview.

That wasn't very woke of me to assume. Please don't tell our older sister. She'll spank me. She's the boss of us. You did get spanked by your older sister a lot, right? I'm fucking joking, man. Oh my God, it is. No.

Sink. Do you remember the, was she ever, how old, she's three years older than you? Yeah. At a certain point, she was big enough to beat you up. Like when she was six and you were three. Yeah. Do you remember switching, flipping the script,

when were you stronger than her? We got into some scraps. Knock down, you ragged out. We did, I mean you were seven and she was 10. Oh yeah, when she was like 12, I think. No, maybe when I was, yeah, I feel like when I was nine and she was 12, I really think that we got into some fights.

It's rare because beating up a 12 year old girl sounds awful, but when you're a nine year old boy, it's just par for the course. No, I was never the first to, Hannah was more violent with me. Mom, she would kick my ass. She would kick my ass. Really?

Yeah. What would she do? Like push you, push me, slap me to face, pull my ass. Really? Yeah. What would she do? Like push you, push me, slap me to face, pull my hair. For fun or because you were mean? No, we would like get into fights over like who's holding the controller, who's turn it is, who gets to, who's TV show we're gonna watch. And like then she would sometimes hit me

and grab the her own, just to hit you in the head with it. Or like, oh, if I was on her spot on the couch, she'd like pull me off or something. But classic. So we would get into like, didn't your brother's ever kick your ass? Not really actually, I don't know why. They never pushed you.

I was definitely a turd. They never like pushed you. Maybe because one was eight years older than me, so like is a 16 year old, really gonna beat up an eight year old? I got it to some scraps with like a two on eight years older than him. What'd you do to him? Um, he was like bothering me. I had pushed him away. And then he started it. He's like, would hit me back when he was like eight. I when he was six, when I was 16 and he was eight, he like, uh, headbutted me

in the nose and give me a nosebleed. Yeah, I never did that. I never made my brother's nosebleed. Interesting. You were a bad sibling. Right. That makes me miserable. You don't deserve that.

I was always attacked. You were a crash test dummy of sorts. Yeah. Your family treated you as a scare pro of punching back. I was the a scared pro punching bag. Yeah. And rightfully soy. Because you are a soy boy. I was a soy boy. All right, bring it up. And you don't have to dig so deep. You can just, you don't have to reference the book either. Yeah, you don't have to bribe. That you wanted to know about the book. You could ask about the book, but the time has passed.

The time is no longer here. And thus ends another episode of whether or not you should beat up your younger sister. Bring it on. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submission, send them to if I were you show at gmail.com, regular episodes of our podcast every Monday on the main feed. Thank you for watching this bonus Thursday episode. Thank you for your patronage. Thank you for your time and we'll see you soon.

Bye everybody. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I want to do. If only I were you, sharp dot com. That was a hit thumb original. We're doing another head gum happy hour as part of New York comedy festival. Part of New York comedy festival? Yes, that's legit. We're finally part of a real community. Amazing.

Monday, November 6th, at 9.30pm at caveat on the Lower East Side. Classic. Wow, Monday at 9.30, that's a classic New York comedy. Yeah, it's like a little late. Yeah, but like, it's Monday. Yeah, I word the way for exactly. Hosted by us. Take it a mirror.

Whoa. We'll probably preview some content from our new podcast. Yes. Yes, we will. That's kind of curious about that. Yes, true. This show will feature Charlie Bardet, Natalie Rotter-Lateman, Eric Rahill, Jack Bensinger, and Jeanine Garofalo.

Jeanine Garofalo. How did we land Garofalo? I don't Garofalo know. Very good. That's probably with jokes like that. Yeah, that's good. And if you're not in New York, you can watch a live stream of the show. That's pretty cool.

Very nice. So, moment.com I imagine. Yeah, well actually tickets for that are at moment.co slash headgum happy hour. That's it. So, if you want to watch it from the comfort of your own home, not necessarily the same live show energy buzz slash that you know. That 1930 Monday shit.

Yeah, but if you're like in, I don't know, Orlando or Iowa. Orlando, yeah. And you want to watch it, you can do so at moment.co slash head gum happy hour. The video will be available for five days after the stream. Counting five, baby. So for more info and ticket links, just go to headgum.com slash live.

Right. Yeah, that's Monday, November 6th at 9.30 PM at caveat on the lower east side. More info at headgum.com slash live. Woo!