If I Were You - Bonus Segment Story Time!

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

Back from the great beyond (the paywall) with a sneak peak of our Patreon bonus segment this week in which we discuss this week's big wager, and last week's big fast... with Geoffrey James! For this episode on video, new episodes of Jake & Amir watch, and our new podcast "That's Funny" check out http://www.patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

All right, we're back on a Monday. Technically a segment, but is it really? Who knows? It's more of a Dregman, I think, because you're scraping the bottle of the barrel, and I want to say week two. Did you say the bottle of the barrel? We're scraping the bottle of the barrel.

Holy God. What would that look like? Yes. I think I said bottom. Really? I think shit. My AirPods are dying. You're dying

You guys is hearing And shot I have swimmer's earbud Royal Rumble-esque podcast where 40 people enter Every time you misspeak Or say something wrong You have to leave

That's cool This was an idea For the headgum podcast A.k.a. That's funny Called the Joyal Jumble Which is And it was supposed to be 40 people start

And people leave When they can't take it anymore So that's just survivor, but yeah, they have to leave themselves when they just can't handle it. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I didn't say that. I was just trying to clarify what you were. Or we could close line people out of the studio.

Yeah, I don't think that's feasible. Because we don't have a studio yet, right? Jeff, you're in New York. You were supposed to go to Jake's studio, but you haven't left your apartment since you got to New York over a week ago, right? Yeah, it's hard. It's obviously hard because it's not only like the, you know, the, you know, the sickness that I got that wasn't

COVID wasn't the flu I don't know what it was I'm still nasally I'm still dripping of course it's a nice it's not a post nasal drip it's a durring nasal drip it's a nasal drip yeah yeah and it's still there it's still there for sure

I'm gonna do something tonight for sure I'm gonna do something tonightus for sure I was just talking to somebody who went to the Rascal Flats concert at Prudential Center. I might see if they're still on. In New Jersey, you're going to East Rutherford? That doesn't seem far enough. I didn't know it was that close. Yeah. Well, your Arabian would be as in Trenton, we should say.

Marty used to live in Hoboken, right? Yeah. Oh. So. That should have been the first tip off. Maybe there's something there. All right, here's what I do know. I think we should put this audio on the segment's feed. So if you're listening to this only, no, you can watch the video on Patreon. video will still live behind that sweet sweet paywall obviously yeah and my atrial.com slash

ja exactly my my vision excuse me my vision for this kind of like uh group of guys talking together is like the three of us we're business partners now we are that's funny locker room talk it's well it's beyond lock it's board room talk it's executive board room status let's say shit that's kind of fucked up let's that's that's Yeah, I could see in his eyes he wasn't going to move on from locker room talk. He's latched on to that as an idea, yeah. You can say shit that gets people to subscribe. These are the two things I wanted to discuss in any particular order.

One, the Super Bowl bet, which Jake and I have made some version of off and on for the last decade. And two, I texted you guys about this, but I did a four-day-ish water-only fast. I didn't eat between Tuesday and Saturday of last week. How do you think that drives subscribers? I think people are like, whoa, that's interesting. Why? What happened? Did you lose weight?

What happened? Sorry, I'm not there yet. And that's also only for the subscribers, right? We could cut this feature right here. So I will. It doesn't matter. It's about how Amir didn't eat for a week. Yeah, well, half a week.

Bizarre. Four days. He said more or less, because it sounds like you had a little... I had an apple daily. Yeah. Okay. So it wasn't... Sorry, more or less wasn't the amount of days.

It was every day you had. I fasted. You told me you had a French dip on Thursday. On Thursday, I did. But on Wednesday, I took it up. You texted me. You said, should I get a double dip or should I get the au jus on the side? It's sort of a roast beef sandwich that you dip in steak juice fat.

The bread gets wet, and so will you. And how much weight does? Did you lose on your Zhu only night? I gained nine pounds because I had a rack of ribs on Wednesday. It's not about the weight I lost, though I assure you I am drastically skier. Is that true? Yeah. Do I look any different to you guys?

You look mangy. I did get a haircut in addition to it. You look a little gaunt. You look sinewy. Yeah. But you also look puffy. Right. There's something going on with your neck.

Well, that's because I'm malnourished now. In addition to my body. Your eyes are the same color as your skin. Right. I have jaundice. I have infantile jaundice. That's what I'm jordan. It's not infantile, yeah.

Your Billy Rubin is off the charge. Actually, my friend Billy Rubin is here to explain the whole thing. Billy. Come here. He's passed out. Yeah, so what do you guys want to talk about first? Well, I do want to talk about this. the water fast.

I want to dive into this water fast. Yeah. Why did you do it? I want to dive into this water fast. Fast. So Avital's done these a few times in the last year. It was actually really good. It was a tantric week and a half.

I don't remember any of it. It was clouded my entire. No, I don't even want you to kind of barrel through. What Jake said just there was really good. What was it? That's really good. That's water fast or something? Yes, I'm going to dive into that water fast.

Yeah. And you were like, that's really good. But I'm like, it's not just like an aside. It's not like throwing it away. It's not like that's really good. It's like, let's actually stick on that for a moment. Why? That's the least interesting part of this.

I appreciate. Water fast. Yeah. Right. It was, I mean, I barely even remember saying it. I don't think he did. It's because you blacked out because you were so in it. And I'll cut it out of the final edit.

Yeah. So she does it for like, it helps reduce. inflammation, your body starts going through this thing called autophagy where your cells eat itself and your pains and your aches and your chronic issues sort of get dulled down after a certain point. So she's done it three or four times in the last few years and she's always found it helpful. And I'm like, I guess I'm curious to give it a shot. I don't really have a lot of aches and pains. But like if it's helpful, then let's see what happens.

I've never done any diet of any kind ever. Like I've never been gluten-free or dairy-free. You've never even cut out carbs and you decided to only drink water. Yes, and not only that. You went on an Alcatraz diet. I went for, I was like, I'll try it for a day and see if I just want to give up. And then I was like, at day two, I'm like, I guess I'll keep going. This is kind of crazy.

Like, my body feels very different. And I started watching these YouTube videos about like what is cellularly going on during these fast. I'm like, I am intrigued to get to this level of like deprivation, wherein your body starts feeling things that you've never felt before. because I've never skipped a meal, let alone four days worth of meals. You've never skipped a meal before this? Not for dietary reasons. I might have not had lunch one day. But yeah, I pretty much eat very boringly all the time.

Right, right. It might be why your body had no aches and pains. Maybe. Which kind of means the fast wasn't for anything. Well, I do feel sore, like, after playing tennis or basketball, like, the next day my back's kind of stiff or my knees hurt when I'm walking around. Like, I walk around, like, I just worked out. But that's age. That's not going to, you know, you can not eat them as much as you want.

It's inflammation in theory. This helps reduce it because according to these YouTube videos that I found that I guess are scientifically back, but what? I'm not going to go into these studies and actually verify any of these claims. But they say that after 24 hours, your body starts, like, is running out of the food in your system and starts eating different parts of your body. And, you know, you go into ketosis. If you've ever heard of the keto diet, that's, I guess, better for your brain. And your body starts killing up. off inflamed cells and even potentially like pre-cancerous cells. And there's like some studies that say like actually reduce the size of like tumors. Again, not a doctor. No idea what any of this means or how it happens. But I did feel different. I did feel kind of better. And I wasn't very starving the entire time.

Like by day four, I'm like I feel like I normally do just like very loose and like limber and skinnier. Yeah. What did you? what did you feel like? Yeah. I almost felt like energetic and like less, I almost felt like I had just gotten a massage. So I'm like, oh, I feel kind of like loose and limber.

And like, you know when you eat too much and you feel like bloated and kind of like gross? Yeah. It was sort of the op the polar opposite of that. I'm like, I feel like skinny and hungry, but not necessarily like lethargic and slow and gassy. day two, day three. Oh, no, instantly. Like, instantly. I woke up on day one.

I'm like, I'm hungry. I should eat. And I'm not. And then by the end of day one, I'm like, this is crazy. I'm not going to do this for another two days. I'm hungry right now. I'm going to bed hungry. This sucks.

Did the hunger ever go away? It like waved. So like, in the morning, I wasn't hungry just because I'm usually not hungry in the morning. And then by lunchtime, I'm like, oh, shit, I can't. I'm fucking starving. And Instagram feeds you these videos where it's like, did you know if you take a pound of fucking beef and add cheese to it. You can make this giant bowl of pasta.

I'm like, oh, this looks so fucking good and I'm so hungry. And then I would go for a walk and it would go away. So all that is to say, Tuesday dinner, Saturday you start the refeed, which is day four. And you can't even eat very quickly because that undoes everything. It resets your immune system and your digestion system. so you can't eat a lot of food right away. They're like, start with a bowl of bone broth and wait two hours. That's taste.

So, yeah, so like we drank the bone broth. And it felt like we were high. I'm like, I've not only just had water, but you have salt water for four days because you have to have electrolytes because you need sodium, magnesium, potassium. So I'm chugging what feels like salt water for three and a half days straight. And then you have as much salt water as you want? Or is that like? As much as you fucking want, man. Is that true?

Two liters, three liters. Yeah, I was waking up in the middle of the night and pissing because I had so much energy and hydration. So it was just like coursing through my body. So drinking the bone broth felt like one of the most incredible feelings. I was like, oh my God, like the flavors and the nutrients. Like I just want to eat healthy for the rest of the day. And then I would like eat a blueberry and be like, oh, I have such a new found appreciation for food. This is incredible.

I was starving and now I could eat a blackberry for the first time ever. And then by the end of that day, I'm like, just give me anything. Like, I wasn't really appreciate it. Yeah, exactly. So you're supposed to use it as a kickstart into a cleaner living where you're not eating, like, processed foods, like potato chips, refined sugar, like twinkies and cakes and donuts. Yeah. I don't know how long that'll last. Every time I've learned about fasting, it, like, it gets me to the end where I'm like, oh, it's the same thing as just having a clean, lean diet.

Right. It's an accelerated course for that. Yeah. But your system flushes out anyway. Yeah, after 16 hours. That's the thing. Everybody fasts overnight. Like, so I don't understand why doing it for four days is good.

I can send you the video. Because there's a lot of harmful things that can happen when you don't eat. If you don't have the magnesium sodium and calcium, you can get like headaches and muscle pains because your body needs the nutrients. But if you get that from the water, then you can, some people have done like, month long water only fast. That's kind of crazy, but your body can't survive. It's just salt and water gets you the magnesium. Not just, it's like, it's like unflavored element. So it's like salt plus. I see. So you get like, but it tastes like salt. Yeah, a mix that tastes like salt water. I have. Whose videos were you watching on this? Was it Peter Attia or something like that? No, it's a much more alt-right person.

And he says that if you carry this on for a month, that you can literally have direct access to God. Somehow, I'm not even close to that, though. But I am starting a two-month-long. Great question. You can have calorie-free black coffee and tea. So, like, I would take a sip of cold brew every once in a while just to, like, feel the jolt. But I didn't necessarily need it because I felt so, like, lean and jittery. Right.

Yeah, you were already. How's your hunger level when you're not fast-me? Sorry, one second, because right now, like, you both are talking at the same time. And because I'm operating in ketosis, like, I can sort of hear. two people at once, but a lot of people can't. You said you ate a plus. So you're still on a fast. I really can't hear you guys anymore, actually. Yeah, I exited ketosis for sure.

What are your hunger levels like on a normal day? You think average or are they lower than average? No, pretty average. I mean, they're not like extreme, but I do like snacking. Like we went to a movie screening at a friend's house and they were like, here's a bowl of cookies that I made. Wow. Usually I would eat like, I didn't say any names. We went to a movie screening at a friend's house.

Like, you know that's obviously Michael Chichlis or something. Yeah. Yeah. You know. I did the name drop. You did. I didn't say a name. It's fucking like Alexis Bladell or something.

I don't know who that is. You do bring Bladell up a lot. You were like, I went to a movie screening out of friends. Yeah. I didn't say the movie. I didn't say the friend was in the movie. Right. So the friend was in the movie.

So clearly there at least B-list. I said they had cookies. I said they had cookies. In a bowl. You said in a bowl. Yeah. So I would usually have a few cookies and I didn't have any cookies. I went to a movie screening at my friend Ashton's.

It's like we know that's Ashton Coucher. Like you don't. Yeah. It wasn't that. I just got a text for my friend, Cher. Yeah. So who would that be? It's fucking Cher.

It'd be Cher Hyman. Your high school crush. She's an agent at UTA. Anyway. Weight loss. I wait myself every day just to see what would happen. I've never gained or lost much weight over the course of my life, as you know. Sure.

How many LBs do you think I dropped from Tuesday at Saturday? I unfortunately know the answer already. Really? Yeah. Price is right rules? I would say five. Ben Schwartz told me. It was 11.

I lost 11 pounds. You lost 11 pounds? There's no way this is good for you. There's no way this is good for you. What did you before? One 11. You're 99 pounds. Are you?

No, sorry. I consider myself 1.11. So, like, I'm a 11. 11 out of 10, man. I weighed 74.5 kilograms, which is, like, 165. And I got down to, like, 169 kilograms, which is, like, 154. Not only that, but I, when I started eating again, I kept losing weight. Like, on Sunday, I weighed less than Saturday after eating on Sunday.

the calories. There's just no way this is good for you. Then why does it feel great? I'm not recommending it obviously because you're dying slowly. But so slowly you don't even perceive it. I can send you the videos I've seen and they walk you through exactly what's going on and how to make it healthy and what you're supposed to feel like and you don't necessarily feel as positive of the effects as they say you're going to feel because they're described

It is like the ketosis is euphoria and you're post-hunger. No, I still had normal energy and I was very hungry throughout it. But I did feel better on Saturday than I did on Tuesday. And how did you feel on, but the days in between you felt worse. Like shit. Yeah. And how did you feel on Sunday after you were eating healthy? I sharded a cashew, whole, undigested.

My body did not know what to do with these nuts. The legumes that are supposedly good for you. Did you... Right through me like a tube. Did you guys get in an argument? What, me and Oviso? Because did Abital do it alongside you? Well, she ended up leaving on Thursday

because I was very, very angry at her at the time. She said, for I going to do this, I need a pee to tear in Airbnb. She completely liquidated our wedding fund. Right. Even today, all I've had to eat is a protein shake, like a premier protein, and I'm like ready to shoot a person.

Right. You are a slave to the three-meal system, which was cultivated through society, not through anatomy. You think cavemen were eating three times a day? No, because our DNA doesn't require. And they died at like 30. From leukemia, not from malnourishment. They're fasting every day and they're dying from cancer. Which you're saying you're doing the water fast to not have cancer cells.

Yeah, it's supposed to clean you up. I don't know if it's actually, although we also tested our ketones. So, like, that was actually something that you can quantify. That plus weight were the two things that you actually see. Yeah, the ketones were through the roof because your body is eating itself. And that's what supposedly throws you into the ketosis. Your body is eating itself. It knows to attack the weaker and inflamed cells first.

That's yes. You'd think they would just attack your, like, good, healthy muscle because nothing's ever good. I have to imagine it's doing a little bit of damage to everything. Probably both. Yeah. It's probably all. Yeah, your body can't be that. So if you didn't have aches and pains before and you don't suspect any cancer cells,

doing it probably is only increasing harm. No, actually not. It was a waste of your time. It was a waste of your time and it was a waste of hours. Which means it was a waste of their money. Subscribe to patreon.com slash JA. It's funny because last Monday, Jake's like, my one bit of advice, I guess, is to eat.

more. So constantly feed yourself in the morning. And I'm like, I didn't eat for half of a week. And I felt better. I guess there's no right or wrong way. Listen to your body. But there are some interesting arguments to be made. And potentially worth a shot would be curious to hear. Yeah, he's leaving. He found a fucking olive on the floor. I got, I recently got like a test, like a blood test that gave me my inflammation, which I thought might be high because of my soreness. CRP? Yeah. Yeah, CRP? Yeah, CRP. See, here's the thing.

That's not the only measure of inflammation. That's just the only, that's inflammation in your blood. But you can have localized inflammation around your joints or like neuroinflammation. There are ways to test neuroinflammation without tapping your spine, but they're like not available to people outside of research contexts. Don't know this much about healthy yet. But it's really interesting when you bring that up. But it's all like there, I feel like there's also like tension and just,

like, you know, bracing. Yeah, that's funny. That's like something that I explored and got more benefits from learning how to. Why not just have a fish? What? Why not just have a fish? Because your cells are not being cleaned out if you have fish. It's anti-inflammatory.

What's? Have some olive oil. Yeah. No, you are supposed to once you start eating again. I thought you're supposed to have lean protein. Unrelated to pet. The stress reduction of a mere seeing a nemo could make him non-anemic. And it could also get rid of your N head on you.

A coy? Yeah. A coy. Honestly, a coy pond outside your front door could finally start kicking up your property value. There's really nothing you can do. Like Jake has invested in real estate in a way that's, yeah, been incredible to watch. Like he's always kind of almost doubled his money. I feel like Amir bought into this sort of shack, really, and it's gone up and down.

You know, so maybe add the koi pond. Yeah. Well, actually, this could be a good transition to the Super Bowl bet where the loser has to sort of keep a fish alive for a month and a half. So I don't know if you guys want to, yeah, I don't know if you guys want to bet against the spread or just who do you think will win. but let's start with that. Jake, who do you think will win the Super Bowl? Sorry, the big game. I don't want to get sued.

I just pulled up your estimate. It's really, it's not the return that I would want to see. It's not for this area code. That you want to see as what? I mean, I don't think it's. That area is celebrity laden. It's the lot size. Yeah.

And you are bin Laden. I don't know if you could have. You've become bin Laden. done an addition like a second story. No, of course not. And you didn't legally permit the garage. It didn't have street parking. It's not an issue near where you live.

So turn the carport into a third bedroom. That would have to be a railroad-style apartment where you'd walk to the third bedroom through my bedroom. It wouldn't have to be built a hallway above the room. You have to have a third bath or a powder room. An escalator or a new mom. Tumonic tube where like, you know, things get sucked up. People are going analog, Blumenfeld. You need a phone room.

A foam room? A phone room. Like in the 1890s. I like the loser gets a fish bet. Because that way you have a fish. Yeah, that's kind of fun. It's like such a bad responsibility. Like if you travel, you have to give someone the keys to your house.

And Gemma, I like a fish. I have no benefits for that shit. Yeah, she would actually I feel like the best thing The best bet you guys ever did Was the Billboard one Yeah, that's never happening again The prices have skyrocketed

Jake, who do you think will win the game? I don't even remember who's playing It's the Patriots and the Seahawks So you do remember who's playing It's funny, we've actually had this We've done this bet before For the Patriots and Seahawks

Yeah, that's right? The Malcolm Butler Interception, right? Correct, the Patriots won. Yeah, I don't remember that That was a bad play. That was a beautiful bad play to run when you have Marshawn Lynch and you're on like a seven-yard line. Sorry for this game, but who do you think? Man, that was amazing.

Yeah. I guess I think the Seahawks again. Yeah, probably. No, sorry, not again. I think the Seahawks for the first time because last time I thought the Patriots. Right. So if we both think the Seahawks, the spread is four and a half. Do you think the Seahawks will win by five or more?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do. Okay. I'll take the other side. So if the Patriots lose by one, two, three, or four, or win, then I win the bet. Is that safe? Are you okay with that? Well, what are the stakes?

The stakes have to be either steaks or fish or honestly a fucking four-day water fast, but like Jeff has to join either way. What? So you spend half a week of your time in New York kind of hangary, cold, and miserable. Not taking advantage. I get sick again. I'll do one day of a water fast But not more

Do I hear too Not more I will go to bed Hang hungry And I'll wake up Starving Yeah But I'll eat

Well that's the thing You might wake up and be like Oh I feel better Should I keep this going That's what happened to me Yeah Okay five or more Loser gets a fish

Yeah Bull Gold all of it the accoutrement the tank the trout the little swimmer man

it's a multiple fish because first you say gold fish you got a trout a trout loser has to have a built in coy stream outside through and behind

their home okay that feels fair okay fish did we want to discuss anything else I know there was the idea of potentially suing another Patreon just to get some press done. Yeah. Put our ducks in a row for that.

We should tell people what they get by subscribing because there are people out there listening to this for free that don't subscribe to Patreon. Yeah, I mean, last week was pretty lit. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of insane. To the point where I almost quit. I thought it was a little bit too much. It was painted. I wasn't eating. I was malnourged and scared.

Yeah, look at how our Patreon took off the fucking day I stopped eating. That has to mean something. But we have, we had two episodes of That's Funny, the new version of the Headgun podcast. Are we going to keep that up, by the way? Are we going to go down to one episode per week at a certain point? I think it's down to one starting this week. I think that was kind of a first two weeks launching style thing. What about one, but it has to be three and a half hours long?

So it still feels like a lot. I want every episode to be three and a half hours long. I just can barely keep you guys on past 50 minutes. Yeah. So the only reason it's short is because of me and Jake. Yeah. In a way, yeah. I'm going to try to at least give the people an hour.

When I'm on the episode, when I'm not there, I can't fucking, I can't dictate how long an episode. When you're not there, that's when I need you to make it an hour even that much more, because you're not there. Right. When you're there, I can count on you.

When you're not. I am. I'm taking, I didn't tell you guys this, but I'm taking my comedy sabbatical every seven years. I take a year off. So this will be year 21 and I'm going to be gone from March 1st till the following February. What you took last year off? Yeah. Well, I did a double sabbatical because this is my 20 first.

So it's like one year off, three years off. A lot of these years off. Yeah. Because I feel like it's like you didn't quite bring it. You haven't really been working. Like you haven't worked any. When was the last time you wrote anything? Wrote like an email or a tweet or something or like anything, anything.

Or like red even. You are wrote. R-O-T-E. Yep. Jake and Amir rewatch is still happening. These bonus, whatever we're calling it on Mondays are still happening. We want to do more live streams. When is the Zoom party that you're doing, Jeff?

Is that this Friday? That is this Friday, February 6th at 5.30 p.m. Pacific, 8.30 p.m. Eastern. That'll be me and Riley hosting that whole Shabazz Napier. And we'll see, there might be even some special guests. Hasn't anybody yet? Yeah. Oh, that's all right. We don't need you.

Jake, if you're free, maybe we could get, can I has a Micah burger? I love that. Yes. Yes. Maybe Marika. I don't want to promise anybody, but these are the people I'll text and ask. That's okay. No, I want you to enjoy your first.

Friday and not be on the Zoom. I'm not going to do anything. Fridays are my least favorite day because everyone's doing shit. It's not because I think you're going to do anything. I just let's keep you away from the shit, right? Because I want people to come. Yeah. A lot of eyes.

My teeth feel very loose. I wonder if that's a little bit. Because I haven't had calcium in a while. God damn it. Yeah. Your body is eating its teeth at this point. You've always kind of had whale kind of brille. and anything else.

Oh, have we announced that zoo party anywhere? People want to know when it is. Yeah, it is. I announced it this morning. All right, cool. It's, you know. Get off his fucking back. And the theme is Valentine's Wank.

What? You guys know Valentine's Day? You know Valentine's Day? Yeah. This is Valentine's Wank. So that's the theme of the Vazardi. It's like, what, circle jerk? Well, not a circle, but yeah, everyone on Zoom will sort of

be cranking their shafts, kind of wanking hither than thither. Oh, I just refreshed. Nobody's in that tier anymore. And we haven't even posted this yet. So I don't know how they found out what you just said. That was awesome. I will definitely be there then. It's just me and Jeff.

We pay each other so much cash. Can you imagine how much fucking money we would make if we just started an only fan's version of this shit? Probably not a lot, right? Yeah, probably not. Probably less, I think. Well, you never know who's hung. That's true. On this week's, who's hung? Okay, that's it.

Let me edit this and post it otherwise. We're going to run out of time, and I'm feeling very faint and super damaged. That's what I was going to say. You actually ate a lot today, is the thing. I don't know what happened, but I flipped some switch on my body where now food makes me starving. It's just really messed. stop. I'm scared, but I'm excited to have spoken this out with you guys. Thank you so much. Thanks to you guys for subscribing. And leave a comment below. Let us know what you want to watch.

Goodbye, everybody. Ciao.