If I Were You - Bonus: The Headbutt (2018)

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Our first Patreon Video version of "If I Were You!" We embrace the visual elements by making faces, dancing dances, and not selling any advertisements. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a head gamma region. All new if I were you's, what the heck? Well, kind of. You see, about five years ago, we recorded 70 episodes of this year's advice podcast and release them ad-free for our Patreon, Behind a Paywall. And we figured, why don't we release the best dozen or so because a lot of people never heard these episodes and we'll slowly release them every other week on this podcast feed that you're hopefully still subscribed to as a way of saying you know what thanks for sticking it out it's kind of like the post credit sequence of a movie

you wait or a secret track on a CD, you waited weeks and weeks, so why don't we release some new ish to you potentially episodes of If I Were You. So this is one of those episodes. Thanks for listening. Remember, if we said something crazy, you gotta envision. These were recorded in 2018. I mean, what a different time.

So you won't hear anything about the pandemic or anything like that, but hopefully still enjoyable, Mander, Goat and Fluff. Show me that Billy Goat gruff. All right, ready? No, I quit. Ha ha ha. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I want to. If only I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, I want to hear you, It is the board dab. Yes. And since this is a video, people could see you dabbing.

That's right. And you want a dab. It is my burden that I must dab for the intro. It is my dab to bear. That was Stony with the theme song. We're going to stick with Stony for this theme song because he's the goat. And ideally these will be the goat podcast episodes. That's right. Patreon exclusive, we I don't know if you're listening to this as a podcast but

we're also recording this as a video. It's a video baby. So people can see everything I'm doing. So I'm gonna hold up a certain amount of fingers ready. Yep. Four. Yep. That's correct. Two. Yes, that's good. All right, let's get started. What's in between those two? We got the, we got the two plus here. One, yep, that's two. Yes, four, five, easy. And then lastly, give me the middle one. Boom baby.

Oh my God. I don't fucking remember It's tree three tree tree. Yeah, I triggered it. All right good As always these are gonna be real questions from real people But we can get a little bit more animated when we're answering it. That's right because of course There's a video component to it. So either way it'sless, baby. Oh, that's true. Adless. And Gladless. So, we're not happy, but at least there's no commercials.

I'm miserable. Oh, why? I'm miserable, Bob. I'm gonna make a lot more faces. Oh, that's good, because people can see it. I made a funny face when I said I'm miserable, everybody. Y'all saw it if you're watching the video. How about we just describe it in case we're doing

the audio version? Okay, so Jake's eyes are pretty open right now. They're wide. His nose is stretched down. His bottom lip is sort of swallowing his top one. His eyebrows are up. Yeah, it's a tight-lipped, surprised frown. That's what I would describe it as.

That's cool. All right, do me. Ready? Ooh, Amir is exposing more bottom teeth than top. The bottom of his mouth is wider than the top and the rest of his face is dead. That was an on purpose. All right, now he's doing sort of a dead eyed smile.

He's laughing, he's got a heart attack. All right, this one is called, my boyfriend got head-budded. It's from a girl. Do you have a lady's name? We're gonna give this lady a fake name just to preserve her anonymity. Let's call her Shasta McNasti.

The short-lived sitcom starring Vern Troyer. Yeah, very short-lived. May he rest in peace. Of course. Shasta writes, well, out at the pub with my lads, the whole group started talking about one girl from our old high school. All the boys were talking about how much they liked her, and my boyfriend said he didn't really see why they liked her so much. My best friend then proceeded to headbutt my- my best friend then proceeded to headbutt my- h-h- supposed to move on from this and be his friend again? Thanks guys,

you rock. You rock. You rock. Never been headbutted? No, what a weird way to attack someone. It seems painful because it's like a really strong bone your skull. Yeah, I got headbutted once. And why? It was like my friend, my friend Steve was just fucking amped. That's cool. That would be like the kind of thing he would do to me when he was like a football player. Our strong people skull more hard.

Like I imagine a strong guy headbutting me and then my skull breaks. But like there's no reason that my bones are softer than his, even though he's like a thick bearded hooligan man. There must be something in the physics of like, you are the momentum, and you like headbutt through somebody, right? Maybe. That's true.

If you're moving and the other person's not, does that mean his skull will break and yours won't? I mean, I think it hurts both people. Yeah. Because it's two heads hitting each other. Let's try it. All right, ready? Well, there's a difference.

I guess there's a difference of if like you're not expecting it and then I headbutt you. You know what it is, it's like where, because like maybe the front, the crown area, now that we're on video, I can show you this is the front. Right. So maybe this is the hardest bone. And then if I turn your head around and hit the side of your skull, maybe that's a softer part of the... Well I think I would, like if I was headburning you, I'd go my crown into your schnauz. Oh into my nose. Yeah, because

that's like, that's the most delicate part of your face, right? That's like, there's not really any bone here. Yeah, I'm a nose. I've seen it. And your nose will just break and you'll start bleeding your eyes automatically water. A skull doesn't have a nose, and that's like the beginning of a nose. And then, so what's going on? But you can still break your nose. That's like, what is this shape?

It's cartilage. Yeah. It's cartilage, what is that? What is cartilage? What do you mean what is cartilage? If it's not bone and it's not muscle, it's cartilage. Yeah. And where else is cartilage and why is it cartilage. If it's not bone and it's not muscle, it's cartilage. Yeah. And where else is cartilage and why is it cartilage? Is it your cock? What? I think your cock is all cartilage

when it's hard. No. Yeah. This is a video so I can jump everybody might. Pain is. Oh yeah, it's an ear. You have a little ear down there. There's a cartilage up here in the ear. Yeah It's just like super hard skin. It's so funny. It's like this the the body has bones Which everyone knows it's got the muscles in the blood But also just for like little finishing touches God gave us cartilage. That's right not quite a bone But a little flappy soft bone. Thanks God So you got the nose which which is the cartilage.

You got the ear, which is a little bit more cartilage. Yeah, that's the soft bone. Anything else? That's a soft cartilage bone. I really think you're cock. Just mine. You have a cartilage, God. So this person was talking not even shit,

but just saying, like, I don't understand why you guys don't like this girl. Yeah, and then this guy headbutts. It's clear to me that the boyfriend, the best friend wanted to headbutt the boyfriend for a very long time, and finally, finally got the tiniest inkling of a reason. And he seized the opportunity. What do you think about her? I think she's fine. Oh!

The f- Like rap! I think she's fine. Oh! The pop! Like rap! I said she was fine! You had butted me! It's just such a funny word, head butt, because there's butt heads, which is completely different. That's like when someone's having something like a nuisance. Yeah, butt heads is sort of more like a figurative.

And the head butt is literal. Is that the two meanings of the word but are they related there like to but someone? And then there's also a but. Yeah, it's like the butt of the gun too. Yeah, but so that is like the ass though. We should figure out the origins of the word but. Yeah, and is that cartilage?

Yeah. Do you, am I allowed to be angry at my best friend? Of course. Like you're allowed to be angry at your best friend if you like, shows up late to dinner. I think if you, if you, yeah, if you attacks the person you love, you're allowed to be angry. You're always allowed to feel an emotion. What? That's the best part about it.

Yeah. So like if I'm sad, that's also allowed. Right. And then happy or offended, I can do that too. Yes. And I'm allowed to be affected by your emotion. Or not give a shit. Well, if you own my own emotion.

And that's all fair. Yes. Because it's all legal. It's all legal. Why the fuck did he headbutt my boyfriend? Because he's in love with you. Because he's in love with you, Princess. How am I supposed to move on from this and be his friend again?

You don't have to be. If you're this angry and you're this confused, I can clear it up. Your friend physically assaulted someone, which is not good. If anything, he's not allowed to do that. You can feel anything. You just can't strike something. Right, you can't feel something so much that you actually inflict physical harm on somebody. Wait, did you say why your friend head butted you?

I was just excited, he was happy, like God, and we had good news. And he was like, woo, and he head butted me and it like really hurt. Yeah. It's a cool thing in football, like with the helmet, like to head butt someone is like, yeah, let's get ahead. Yeah. It's a cool thing in football, like with the helmet, like to headbutt someone is like, yeah, let's get out.

Yeah. And that was Steve. He was the football captain. And for some reason he was friends with a little Jewish nerd in school. And then did it make you bleed? Did it bruise? Did it break?

Did it crack? No, I think it just hurt for a while. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. That was cool. You're the man, Steve. I love you, Steve. I'm still thinking about you, Steve. Here's a question from a dude who's got a question about D&D. Nice. That's what's up.

So what do you want to call this guy? I feel like I've exhausted all the D&D names from my... No, I haven't. Scullis. Okay, Scullis, right? So I'm writes on a 16 year old living in Calgary, Canada, home of the dying Western spirit. I love D&D and subsequently NADPOD as well, and I DM a campaign with my two long time boys and GF of 7 months. I'll be frank, I don't think it's a very good relationship for either of us, even though I pined after her for 3-ish years. Ever since she was 13. Now that we've been dating, I feel unprepared and put off by how clingy she is.

She's always gilting me into talking to her longer despite never thinking of anything to talk about, and it's just not good for either of us anymore. I want to leave her, but she's part of this campaign. So I can't just hop on the midnight train to single bill as it would be unfair to my friends and would really mess things up campaign wise. What should I do? Do I need to man up a do it or man up and not do it? That's okay. Help! Do I need to grow a sack and then not confront her? PS have also been sort of flirting with other girls on the DL to feel some sort of romantic satisfaction. I know that it's super unfair to her,

and I wonder if I need to stop doing that too. All right, I think there comes a time in your life when it's worth figuring out the problems and the hiccups in a relationship and seeing if you can get through to a nicer, better, easier side of it. When you're 16, if there's even the hint of a problem, just break up.

Yeah, it's like, she talks to me a little bit too much, so let's end every day. Of course, why would you're 16? You're gonna have hopefully 20 more girlfriends before you have to settle down. So it's almost like relationships are a base or a foundation. And when you're 16, you have nothing. The slightest hiccup will just destroy the foundation. As it should. I don't think that that's like a problem. I think that's the right way. And then at age 30, or sorry, at age 30, then it's like you have a stronger foundation if things get wrong You can just like address it and talk honestly. You know she talks to me in a baby voice like well

She still might be a good person So why don't you just say that you don't like the baby voice? So what do you at age 16? Why are you more likely to break up and why do you think that's a good thing? Because I think you need more experience points and I think you need to Be single and I think you need to have like lots of breakups and and get together and flirt with people. So like yeah, even if there's a hint of something not being perfect. Yeah, I think when you're 16, it's maybe more time to like get to know yourself and when it's when you're 30, it's more time to get to know somebody like past the surface of their

of their idiosyncrasies that make you question if you should be with them. That's beautiful. Thanks. I'm glad I caught that on video. We stopped rolling. Awesome. Yeah. The eye's open.

Because dabbing is like just putting your eyes. Yeah, over the eyes. But for now, I'm going, I'm gonna dab to the ground See my sad face because you never see you never see someone's face during the day And that's what you don't want. I see it. It's like a camera over a blindfold the shame that somebody feels with their face when they find themselves in a deep dab What have I done here? The deepest dab of all would Would you stay in a relationship just for the joy of a campaign? Like, Murph and Emily are married in your campaign. What if their relationship hits a rocky point and it starts affecting the game? What if they

have to separate and then they can't continue the fucking campaign? That'd be really hard. That would be really hard. But I think this guy, like for me, I honestly, I don't know the answer there. I don't know it at all. It would be a sad thing. They'd have to deal with it. I wouldn't have to do. But they, but, all right, so this guy, he's only had this girlfriend for seven months and he's playing a D&D campaign with his two best friends. That's right. And he's the DM. This girl doesn't have to be part of the campaign. And your friends probably will be fine with it. Or if they're sad, they're gonna like survive because you're the fucking DM. Oh, he's the DM. So he's the like he's the game. Everyone else seems to get interchangeable. He's the dungeon master. I mean, everybody else adds a lot of flavor and I'm

sure they're like integral to the game. But what the game needs more than anything is the dungeon master. I mean, everybody else adds a lot of flavor, and I'm sure they're like integral to the game, but what the game needs more than anything is the dungeon master. He constructs the story. He creates the consequences. The bad guy's talking to his friends. Like, so who are you gonna choose? We already chose her.

Yeah, she's like a tiefling bard, and she's super fun. I think anybody can DM is all, so I'll do it. Because she makes the banjo noises with her mouth. All right, so you're saying, what should I do? Break up, when you're 16, it's never ever worth it. Like don't not, don't, you're also like flirting with other people. Yeah.

And you like that and you're having fun. So why would you be like, I don't wanna do that. I'll, I would be better if I was miserable. Yeah, I would rather be sadder in the't want to do that. I'll, I would be better if I was miserable. Yeah. I would rather be sadder in the campaign than happier and without it. Yeah. But you understand that.

Break up. You can start a new campaign. A new campaign with a new loved one too. What is a relationship with a D&D campaign? So you're rolling happiness points. That's right. What else is there in D&D? It's collaborative storytelling.

Which is a relationship. You're telling your story with your six-hikken outfit together, and you're writing a tale that hopefully ends happily. And you can roll with advantage every time. I actually sold a little ad myself, so can we do a quick commercial break? What are you talking about? I- Did you sell it to? To Starbucks. Yeah. This is ad-free. And you approach one of the biggest corporations. You're lucky. I fucking love Starbucks. So I stole a coffee and they were like, you have to pay for that. And I said, don't worry about it. I'm gonna plug it on my show.

And then you were chased out of a Starbucks. I said, what show? And I said, don't worry, you'll see. And then they chased me all the way down to my car and I sped off. So I guess, I'm drinking... Go to Starbucks Employee who's not paid to chase people through the parking lot. Yeah. I guess they would just... You should really just steal coffee from every coffee stand

because who's gonna actually go out of their way, take the apron off and sprint after? They don't have equity in their company. Yeah, you can steal. So you get your coffee, they're like, you have to pay for that. Like, what the fuck do you care? Why do you give a shit? I think Starbucks is going to survive. All right. And you, yeah, you have an hourly wage.

They're not going to fire you for not stopping. Oh, that's the manager behind you. I got to stop stealing from this specific Starbucks. Your hands in the tip, Charlie. What do you care eating a fucking breakfast burrito? What, there's like a one, a couple of fives in here. Give me a fucking break, ma'am. I'm gonna have a job application.

I'm poor. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. There's no better way to get that mental health you need to survive and thrive in today's very anxious and depressing world. Then by talking to a professionally licensed therapist and there's no better way to do that, then with BetterHelp.

I've had therapy and I found it incredibly useful, and odds are you will too. But it's hard to find a therapist and it's hard to find one in your area and it's hard to find one that you don't necessarily want to drive to, but better help makes it all easy because it's entirely online, it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You don't have to drive anywhere or wait in the awkward waiting room.

You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's affordable, it's safe, it's secure, and it's online. All you got to do to find more balance is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. That's better help help.com slash if I were you for 10% off your first month. Thank you, better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Man, I feel like we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace for decades. And maybe we have, because it's the best way to create a professional-looking website. If you want to launch an online store or maybe a portfolio or give someone a gift of

a website, Squarespace is the best way to do that. You don't really need to know how to program, code, design. It's all very simple, drag and drop technology. They got member areas. They have video studios, email campaigns, analytics. They've been around for so long and their product is so refined and great and affordable. If you want an even bigger discount, you can check out squarespace.com slash if I were you

for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your purchase of a website or domain. That's right. You can buy any URL you want, as long as it's available. Like Amir is a stinky dude.com is probably available. You can buy that. Or, you available like a mirror is a stinky dude.com is probably available

you can buy that or you know somebody else is a stinky dude it's kind of fun might be fun to buy somebody is a stinky dude.com or you know you want to give somebody a gift of an online portfolio presence store you can do that all at squarespace.com slash if I were you you get a free trial and then when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you, you get a free trial. And then when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code. If I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, thank you, Squarespace. Oh, here's one. There's a follow up pup.

We don't really do this on the podcast. This could be a fun thing to do for these videos. People who have written to us before in the past often give us a follow up. And then I never quite remember what our advice was to begin with, so it never feels right to talk about. But this lady not only told us that she wrote in before, but she told us what happened, reminded us. This is what she writes.

So, you answered my question in episode 304, and I wanted to give you a follow-up. Basically, what had happened was, I matched with this guy on Tinder, we fucked, and then he slowly stopped talking to me. I was heartbroken, but I decided not to hit him up and just move on. That was 10 months ago. This week I came across his Tinder profile again and swiped right and it was a match. He said we should hang out again. I said yes with little expectations and I'm glad that I went because it made me realize that he really wasn't shit and wasn't worth being sad about.

And he wants to hang out again, but I think this time I'll just not respond to him. Thanks for your advice. Oh my God, the ghost did, he comes to the ghosty. That's a good feeling. That's awesome. But I like the idea of a ghost or person, like every six months,

just like completely forgets his past. He's like, hey, we should hook up again. It's like, you ghosted me. It's like, hey, we should hook up again. It's like, you ghosted me. It's like, oh, did I? I don't know. No, I actually respawn. And a ghost becomes a human again. I guess every 10 months or so, we should hang out again.

So it seems like what we can tell people is to just wait 10 months and everything will be fine. That's true. 10 months is a solid chunk of time. That does sort of reset the clock a little bit. Yeah, and after 10 months, you get curious about like, what would fucking them feel like again? Yeah, 10 months is the most amount of time.

Like, what's longer than 10 months? 11 months. What's, yeah, but like, really? You didn't know anything was longer? 13 months. Yeah, but after 11. You're the numbers guy. That's the end of time.

Twelve months a year two years. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? How old am I? I said disappearing. Don't you make it to my hand? It was appearing in frame. Probably not. We don't know that SFX budget. Not yet. Support is on Patreon. All right, let's keep rolling. This is this is how we do it in the video episodes. There are no breaks. There are no pauses. But also, way to go. Thank you. Not you. I appreciate it. To the follow-up, but nonetheless, I do appreciate it. Okay. And I feel like you respect me a little bit more. I don't. And it's kind of cool that I got over what I was going through. And I was not knowing how much... Thank you. Okay. Thank you. But not thinking anything was longer than 10 months. Thank you. Now you're plugging your ears Plugging my ears doesn't work. I'm wearing headphones. You can only hear me louder

All right Another dude's name will call this guy Fitzroy McPatrick why because I don't know. Well, that's his actual name really Yeah, nice Fitzroy right. That's another thing. We're doing on the Patreon. We're outing everybody I'm a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a guy with a moved into one of the open rooms. He's 73 and well, well traveled. But unfortunately, very afraid of technology and evil chemicals. The man will not drink city water, use soap to clean his dishes. And once told me he convinced a man to stop taking cholesterol medication because he convinced it only masked the high cholesterol

and didn't actually lower it. He could have killed that guy. I do love our conversations where we talk about traveling because he's been to like 85 countries and stayed in 500 Hostels, but it's hard to get over some of these infuriating lectures about how something I'm doing in life is wrong. Anyway, This is all kind of annoying but pretty tolerable. On bad days I would add to a draft of an email to send to you guys, but never felt it was enough to ask the Almighty Advice Gods. But today, he blew it into the fucking stratosphere.

Oh dear. I picked up some toilet paper after work because I noticed we were running low and I let him know in case he was planning on picking some up soon. He then casually drops the bomb that he doesn't use toilet paper. Then I had to stand there and horror as he explained in agonizing detail that he reaches into the water with his hands and wets the working area with a wet, slimy hand then squeegees himself clean. I've been sharing a kitchen with this guy

for close to two months. I guess my question is, how can I get a 73 year old man to start wiping his ass with toilet paper Thanks for your help and much love Mr. Bonkulate I guess that's the nickname you gave himself. Oh, okay So there's a 73 year old that he's living with which is already kind of funny

He's kind of well traveled. He's well traveled any convinces people not to take cholesterol medication He's kind of a travel. He's well traveled. And he convinces people not to take cholesterol medication. At 73, your brain is hardened into your ways. This guy is convinced himself that science isn't real. I don't know if you can convince him how to wipe his ass at this point. You know on Twitter when people use the clapping emojis? Yeah.

That's what I want. I thought that was a prayer. I thought that was a prayer. Oh, like that. You need to move out. Yeah. So you clap emoji, need clap emoji. Two clap emoji. Move clap emoji out.

Clap emoji. Yes, you need to move out. Clap emoji. That's right. There's nothing. I mean, I do want to just say that I fucking hate when people think that they've unlocked the secret to life about like, Oh, like don't drink, don't drink unfiltered water, don't take medicine.

This is how you do it. Like actually toilet paper is really bad for you, so I stick my hand up my ass. This is like, I'll just, you know how they did it for 2,000 years we survived with just using natural spring water. But I, like, that does work. I mean, not the toilet paper thing, but some people are like, oh, I don't like need to take medication and like I don't get sick. Yeah. So you shouldn't either. But that's not true because everybody's bodies are fucking different. So just great you found out what works for you, but don't talk to me. Yeah, but the problem is that you said it's a generic and ass. Not only that, but this guy is touching shit with his shithead. Yeah, I mean, this guy is like, it's

worth through the looking glass with this dude. He's like, I would find him so infuriating, just for telling me that I was doing anything wrong. Yeah. And that's, and like, that's before he's touching my plates with poop. He's also so not aware of himself that he's fine admitting to it. He's like, if I was not wiping my ass with toilet paper for years, I wouldn't tell anyone because they would probably judge me accordingly.

It's sort, I mean, this is like, I feel like my ass is the cleanest after I've taken a shower because I've soaked my ass. Yeah. Holy shit. You're on his side. But I get, you think he's onto something. No, no, no, no.

You don't wipe your ass. He's doing like his own hand wash bidet. That's right. But it's the lazy man's bidet. Like, what he's doing is not effective enough. I don't even think it's good enough to clean his asshole. I think he did. Let's take a step back and think about it,

because he is washing his ass. He's not washing, he's not using soap. He doesn't use soap, it's just water. Yeah, it's just water. He said that he doesn't use, he said that he doesn't like hand soap, right? Yeah, earlier, or maybe it was dish soap with the dish soap.

Yeah, dish soap. But all right, so like, we've established that the guy has a general mistrust of soap. Yeah. And now we're talking about how he washes his ass with his hand. So we can assume, we can reasonably assume that he is not using soap for either the ass wash or the hand wash following. Yeah. But what if you did use soap for the hand wash following? Is that better than toilet paper? Arguably. But I don't think, and maybe the cholesterol medication does just

affect the test and not the actual cholesterol. And he is well traveled. It has been to 500 hostels. I don't know, but this is like, it seems like one of those things that he learned to broad where he's like, oh yeah, half of India doesn't use toilet paper. Like, well, people are so sick there. Oh, I guess I never thought one step ahead to realize that people are so sick there. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think you can teach an old dog new tricks, even if one of these tricks is wiping his own house. But we can teach you a new trick and that's moving out of your equipment. Which seems like it's going to happen anyway. This is why people don't live with people who are 50 years older than them. There's going to be some sort of cultural difference. There's going to be a generation or two gap. Yes.

The chasm is wide with this one. But God, this guy who's saving money on toilet paper, let's say I do just use the water. Because I mean, I do have a bidet, so that's rinsing my butt. Right. And then I still use the toilet paper to dry the butt. You have to mop it up. Yeah, you have to mop it up.

You have to mop it up and wipe away the shit. It doesn't just like fall into the toilet. It's shit's not that like, it's not that perfect. What if he's like, but dogs don't wipe their ass? And dogs have dirty assholes. Ha. You wiped his mouth. Really. You wife's his mouth. Really?

Start sucking on his fingers. Mm. Have you seen little, what's a dog's name? Rex. Have you seen little Rex around recently? And he's doing the whole, you couldn't think of a dog's name? Well, I was gonna say shoe.

Fido? Why shoe? Yeah, that's what I was saying. What could have been think of a dog's name? Well, I was gonna say shoe. Fido? Why shoe? Yeah, that's what I was saying. Like, I got stumped. Like shirt. That's not a dog's name. That's an item of clothing. Right. So a shoe.

Dazz. That's not even a word. Right. Dazz. Dazz is a bad dog's name. You're a Dazz. You're an absolute Dazz of yourself. So move out is the thing that we're telling them.

You can't teach this guy to start wiping his ass at 8.73. Unless you do it with a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit at that. Sort of a water boy impression. Eyebrows still raised. He's got a problem. We're talking to myself in under bite. Yeah, under bite no lips. High eyebrows. And a confused look. All right, that's it. That's 30 minutes up, 30 minutes down.

We don't have to thank anybody. We don't have to talk about any sponsors. It's just us answering questions. Yeah, hopefully you guys liked it Let us know what you think there's comments on these posts. I believe that's true. That's true So leave a comment. Let us know what you think we can adjust accordingly. It's just us too We can do whatever the fuck we want baby. We can end with a homemade theme song fucking Absolute Absolutely

That's a good t-shirt. Absolutely. Thanks for watching, everybody. Ciao. What I would do if only I were you That was a hit them original