If I Were You - Bonus: The Headgum Podcast

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

We started a new podcast featuring the Headgum staff! Join us every week as we wax idiotic on everything from pop culture to Marty’s SSN. Make yourself a drink and come hang!Check out the first episode here and then subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts:Apple PodcastsSpotifySee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to the headgum podcast, a headgum podcast. What do you think about that, Jake? A headgum podcast. A headgum podcast. Yeah, that's cool. I like that. That's really good.

If the intro is just, this is a headgum podcast, this is the headgum podcast, a headgum podcast. Okay, Riley. And it's just that for 45 minutes and then we do the rest of the show. Forever dog. Okay, Riley, you do Rose's part and then I'll come in as the host. Okay. This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to this is the headgum podcast.

I'm Jeffrey James. With me is never before is Amir Bluenfeld, Jake Hurwitz and Riley Ann Swart. Are you nervous? You've done this before. I've never had more than four in a remote session. You're also going through puberty, it seems. My drinking whiskey and going through puberty. Are the squares on your guys' face time drifting in out larger, smaller?

Yes, I really don't like it. This is not a good plan, right? What a weird feature. Yes, not ideal. It's like a screensaver, but it's us, so I'm sort of getting nauseous talking. Yeah. Which is fine. And you were sick before this?

Yes. No, I had a boat situation earlier today. I took my Trump dingy out to sort of protest slash own the libs and I got like pretty ill. Open the ocean. Yeah. Open the Pacific. It's time. Yeah.

It's like whoever's talking, it's kind of like zoom where it's like the box around it lights up, but it's like whoever's talking kind of gets center stage, so it's almost like if someone were to talk while I'm talking right now, they would kind of push me off stage. Let's see if that happens. Does it make my screen bigger? No. Mine always stays.

Wait, is mine bigger for you now? No, it's starting to gradually get bigger as you talk. Oh yeah, yours is getting bigger. If you guys think that part is annoying for me, now I'm just looking at myself because I accidentally pressed effects and it's not letting me move the screen at all. Yeah. That might be better. It was worse, but now it's back to normal, which is also bad.

Okay. So what is this show? This show is, it's sort of inviting the people who listen to Head Gum Podcast, who watch the Head Gum videos, who are fans of you guys kind of join us for a weekend happy hour of sorts. Let's have a drink. And why is this show? When is this show?

When is the show? What's the why now? Of this show? What's the why not? Why this play? Why today? Yeah. I will say it's late January when we're recording this.

There's this silly crazy virus going on in China. We assume it won't really affect us much, but I'm looking forward to seeing how everything pans out. 2020 vision, as in I've never seen my future clearer and I know exactly what's going to happen. Okay, what's going to happen? I am going to get rich fast and then I'm going to rest on my laurels. Canyon or otherwise.

Get rich quick and die young. Get ripped quick and get rich fast. I'm going to sell my semen. I'm going to sell my semen to semen. Sailors and Marina Del Rey are going to own part of me. Marines and Marina Del Rey. How are you guys taking the quarantine week to week? Because that's how I'm doing it.

I would say day to day, but every day not much happens. So like time, it's almost like somebody erased all the parts of a calendar that separate days and now it's just a giant square that said April. Right. I do my week by week and it's all weather based because I sort of have like a baseline baseline depression. And when it's 48 degrees in rainy, then I know that's going to be a sad day. But when it's like 65 and sunny, I'm like, OK, that's a day where I won't be that sad.

But you'll still be sad. Only a little. But not that. Not that sad. Not that sad. Yeah, not that sad. And that that's something I take a day by day because I feel like I'm going through. I've noticed a pattern where it's like I'll have three really good days

and then I'll have one really sad day. So it's like I'm on a high for three and down for one. And it's kind of that roller coaster where it's sad and scared because you're probably taking one pill every other day. The Molly that I gave you, you want a micro dose. So you're taking like break that up into thirds. And then because I'm sort of just constantly riding that wave. Right, right, right.

And like if I do the micro dose, it won't be the the. So there's the valley. Yeah, there's no even. I'm just like chill. Yeah, I'm chill right now. Yeah, I can tell they are tweets. Yeah, which read like a suicide note. Let me just pull them up.

Each one is blaming someone else. Also, Molly gave us for liquid gel. So we do have that. Jeff, how are you taking it day to day, year to year, minute to minute. I'm taking it year to year as in it's I'm smiling. And I'm eating corn. Smiley through the virus. I say cheese.

Oh, my God. Smiley virus. I I'm taking it week by week. I this week was not as good as the week before which was not as good as the week before that. That's going to get what I'm getting out. Yeah, that's a good question. Are you guys trending up or down in the grand scheme of things down?

Interesting. I'm trending up. I'm trying to get up. OK, yeah, I think I think the beginning the end of March was the worst of it because there was a lot of uncertainty. Yes. And now it's like I'm used to this lifestyle forever now. So no, now we're now we're certain it sucks.

Don't worry, we weren't 100 percent sure there was more hope. And now it's sad because there's not much. Exactly. Once you get over it and realize this is us now forever, it feels fine. Daniel Rashid, Daniel's dad, because I was we were facing with this family. And I think this was probably like Jesus, probably like a month ago, which is insane to say. But we were just talking about like, I think it was. Yeah, I was like around the end of March and we were all very sad.

And it was like thinking about like the new normal. And and Daniel's dad made a good point. And he's like, well, there's never been like a normal and things are constantly in flux. Like when people rode horses everywhere, like that was the normal. And then things are always changing. And it's like we're always adapting to what our normal is right now. So I feel like it's very strange, like, you know, it's May 3rd.

And we've been doing this for a while, that it's like this. It's I've hit the point where it's like it's I'm trending up because it's like, yeah, this feels normal to me right now. Yeah, if you compare us to the arrow that we rode horses, then this is better than that because at least we have a. So I'm paying your car. I don't use, which is good, which is good. It is different, but also if you have, if you if you get like a toothache,

you aren't dead, you know, beer was hot back then. Beer came hot and wood barrels. And now we can at least refrigerate the shit. Yeah, I was also going to talk about a FaceTime conversation I had with Mr. Rashid. So I'm going to. Oh, that's great. He just lambasted me. He dragged me through the mud for being sad.

Yeah, man. Yeah, he said, hey, man, I can help you out with this. And he thought it was going to be kind of a bro bro to bro therapy session. But instead, he just said, don't be sad. Yeah, he sort of like did this thing where he slapped me through the computer. It was a lot of like hashtag get over it type of mentality, which is like a kind of like a self-help thing that I'm pretty into, just like fucking man up. You fucking you fucking asshole. What you you think you're fucking so good.

This is a live tweet and revolves around you. Yeah, this is clearly about someone specific, if not, when the world gets coronavirus, you've got to grab the virus by the nuts. Get back out there and fucking open society. That's cool. Yeah, when you're fucking up by your bootstrap bonds and get back into the workforce. Cowboy out in the workroom. This is RuPaul's Drag Race.

Does anybody have a low point, a rock bottom of sorts from their week that they'd like to share? I don't have a rock bottom, but I have a people's elbow. Nice. What was the low point? Wait, I want to hear. I want to hear everyone else's first, because I need to temper how sad mine is. Yeah, I know me too.

I'm like, oh, do you really want to know? I think I'll never tell. Yeah, you are crying, though. No. Jeff, why don't you start us off? I mean, it wasn't a horrible week. I don't have a great one to start us off with. I think you guys should go with whatever the saddest thing is

you can muster to share publicly. Wait, just for the week or for the whole entire virus? Let's say let's say this week just to make it simpler. Great. OK. Then that that also doesn't go too deep in my closet. Yeah, absolutely. I noticed that I don't put my laundry away, so I'll just put clothes in a dryer and use that as my closet.

And then when I'm done with the clothes that are in the dryer, my washer is now full, so then I can just wash my clothes and put them in the dryer. So I'm sort of living this kind of vagrant slash depression lifestyle where I don't put anything away because I never have to because I never have to look good. That is kind of bleak, to be honest. That was a Twitter thread.

I can go find it at Bluenfeld on Twitter. Oh, I have a I have a good Twitter based one, but that one is the most real level of low. The Twitter based one is I I tweeted that if ignorance is bliss, then I must be smart as shit, lol. But there was a typo, so I deleted it. But then a friend of mine copied this screen grab of when it was up. If ignorance is bliss, I must be smart as shit.

I noticed that. So I was great. I bragged about being smart, had a typo, had to delete it. Now I can't use that tweet, which is honestly like 10 likes and 112 fucking retweets away from being viral. So you never see the typo. If you left up the typo, it would have been like kind of an esoteric smart joke. Yeah, yeah, I would have been ratioed.

I would have been absolutely ratioed for that. The whole idea of the tweet is like, well, I'm sad, but I'm smart. And then you're not. So you're just sad and dumb. Exactly, the worst things to be. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess my rock bottom is that I don't take out the trash that often, mostly because I'm scared of the outdoors.

And also, like, I don't want to. I don't want to take the trash out. So it's just piles of garbage everywhere. Yeah, there's a lot of flies behind you. I see that's like a rolling rock. That's like a rolling rock bottom. That's like a new like a new part of your life. And that's really the worst thing of all.

Oh, my God, you should definitely take your trash. It's disgusting. It's really not all over the place. It's just this kitchen trash, but it's all just like. But it must smell bad. It's weird to have a rock bottom that is so instantly solvable. The trash is already in a bag. All you have to do is tie it up and bring it outside.

But the issue is so much better if you take it out. I will. But the issue is it starts to pile up so much that like to get it out of the bin, it's going to like pull all this trash out onto the floor. So I'm avoiding that moment as long as possible. But it also gets worse when it happens. Yeah, look, let's you guys. I think I think we should have you take out your trash live on on air. It's such a visual thing.

On we save it. Let's save it for the end of the show, though. Fine. And then I'll fold my laundry. My low point this week, I mentioned it on Instagram, but I. I rode my bike around the city, which I thought was going to be very interesting because like the streets are all super empty right now. And I like as I was getting ready, I was looking for my bike lock key and I found it like an old Polaroid camera that Jill and I had.

So I was like, oh, this will be really dope. I'll like go into Manhattan and like take photos of the empty streets. And I took a whole bunch of photos and like as I was doing it, I was just like putting them in my in my hoodie pocket to develop. And like, I'll look at these later. I can't wait to like see how these turned out. And that's so. And I rode my bike for like two hours.

I came back. I like put everything away and I took out these photos. One of them, one of the photos, which was one of my favorite ones was just an all black and all black slide that says this is not a film. Like it was just the first. It was just the first photo in the wall that doesn't get developed at all. Right.

And then all of the other ones were completely exposed, overblown. You couldn't tell what any of them were. One of them you can tell is a building, but the Freedom Tower was behind it. And you just can't see that at all. So they were all completely empty. Yeah, they're all that's art now. That is that's modern. Yeah, that's modern.

I made the best of it and I posted it on Instagram, but I was sad about it. What about the you have to wear diapers? That's pretty sad. You didn't say that part that you have to wear diapers now because you sort of rendered incontinent by the sadness. That's a good one, right? I've never heard of that. Sorry, you don't.

Yeah, you don't know. I said this week and you started wearing you started wearing the diapers. Was it in late April? The diapers are actually a high point of this week because they're working so well. And I go do do and I go, wow, in my diaper. Yeah, even if you're incontinent,

you don't have to like do baby talk, right? Like you can just like take it as a serious medical issue. Also, try not to shift your way because I'm hearing like it sounds like a bag of ruffles every time you like move to the left. It's really crinkly. It's crinkle cut potato chips in your pants. Speaking of baby talk, Jeff, when we recorded our pod the other day, we were doing a bit and instead of saying hung like a horse,

you said hung like a horsey, which is really stuck with me. And I would love for you to never say that again. Well, well, OK, so hung like a horse means you have a giant dog, but I am hung like a horsey because it's kind of like a horsey baby like a baby toy. It's a small wooden toy because it's sponsored by Hasbro. Like a rocking horse. So that was part of the low of my week was hearing that.

But I think the the real low of the week was learning about murder hornets because my anxiety can only take so much. Now there's killers. Now there's killer big killers. And I looked at a photo of them because I guess I just I was on Twitter and like, oh, Jesus, I was on I was on Twitter. And I was going to do and I was on Twitter. I was looking at a Mio's existential duet on Twitter.

And I saw that murder hornets was trending. And I just decided to do a little old Google search and I saw the fucking monsters and I wanted to throw my. Have you seen what they look like? I saw I saw a photo on Twitter, but I I I did this smart thing and I did not click through. I saw that I was just like, no, not now, not now, two inches big. They are two inches long.

They're huge. They're the size they are. They look they I don't know what they look like. They look like a fucking Tamagotchi. They're the size and they and they be had bees. They decapitate bees. Yeah, that's not for me. And they don't pollinate either.

They don't even serve. No, they just kill other bees. It's insane. Yeah. I'm OK with it. I'm not a big fan of the bees. So that's ultimately popular opinion. They're doing our or should I say my bidding almost like they're getting rid of the shit that I don't want to deal with.

Yes. Sorry, Amir, I actually you sent a package to my house. I think you by mistake and it was packaged. The return address was from Japan. Did you bring these fuckers to the US, man? I ordered a few off of Weibo and doesn't matter where you got them. You did them and they're here and they're multiplying. Yeah, by the way, I still have that Alibaba login if you wanted to order stuff.

No, because I don't want to be attached to this, right? Because it's going to come out eventually. OK, all right. Yeah, let me know. What were the highs of your week? Is that not the Molly, not the Molly, but like what are the good the good like the roses to the thorns? I played a I played a few good Mario Kart levels last week. I was like, all right, that's this is good.

I beat you a couple times. That felt nice. And I'm starting to cement my place atop the head gum leader board, which feels right to me at this point in time to have that be the case. Are you down to play tonight? I would never. I retired. No, you just said you were starting to take it and you're tired. Yeah, because if I if I retire on top, Michael Jordan style,

then I'm officially the goat. That being said, I can't play tonight because I'll be watching the documentary about Michael Jordan. Agreed. Fine. My my highly. Oh, sorry. Excuse me. Classic Zoom issues. Oh, my God. They're in a fight. No, yeah, just try to stay out of my fucking way.

Yeah, we're all trying to have like a good time, but you're like really bring the neck. I know, let's have a good time, but I think we're going to go one at a time. We're going to have a good time, and it's going to be my time. All right. I've never heard him this upset. What was the question? I fucking. So you didn't have an answer.

I went boom, boom in my diaper. Yeah, so we're talking about the highs. Yeah, you were talking. Boom, boom. My God. I think my highlight was I went to like this like a club, like a little like rave thing, like an underground like a Barty, like a disco type situation.

Kind of like a distance like, you know, yeah, like six feet away. This is one of these things that it was impossible. It was impossible to be six feet away because it was just like such a fucking it was like a cuddle puddle. Nice. Yeah. So like we were all rolling, tripping. I feel I mean, I have like that, like the Suicide Sunday Mollie hangover

that's just like dry cough. And so no, that's not Suicide Sunday. Yeah, high fever, high fever, high cough. Kind of getting over the. You infected thousands of people. Harder lungs. And that's the highlight of your week. Hard to breathe there.

It's impossible to breathe. OK. One of your Polaroids that you took, the only one that did it develop properly was you falling off the Brooklyn Bridge because you were wheezing. And I deserved it. And I deserved it.

I should have done that. Now it's time for everybody's favorite bit. Did you talk to your ex? Jake, did you just yes or no? Did you talk to your ex? Yes. All right, Amir, did you talk to your ex? No.

Riley, did you talk to your ex? No, but I would love to hear that you did. I talked to my ex. Of course. Multiple. Did you talk to multiple exes or just one? I only have three and one of them is still raw. So obviously it was her.

It was her around 100% drunk last night. That's the one you don't want to talk to. Yeah, right. You really want to talk to me? Yeah. Not where it's raw. No, I talked to my high school sweetheart and she is a sweetheart.

Nice. Hot. What's the next segment? I proposed. And now the next segment is who's going to be my fucking bachelor party. Riley? I'm down.

I actually know an underground rave that we can still get into. They're definitely closed. Amir, you're kind of our resident scientist, germaphobe. And I hate to use this language, but nerd. Would you be interested in just enlightening people with what we know so far about rave the virus

on today, May 3? Well, I know for a fact that recently we hit our deadliest day in the United States. So more people died this weekend than has previously died. An April coronavirus was the number one cause of death in America. Surpassing every other disease. The amount of people that died in April

is like a certain multiple that's above what's even been reported for coronavirus. So people are assuming the death toll, although it's already surpassed. Vietnam numbers is actually low compared to how many people have been killed. And then despite all this mounting evidence that the disease and the numbers are just getting worse,

there's still so many people who haven't been infected yet that we're only seeing the beginning of this. And of course, coupled with the fact that people are desperate to get outside, we haven't even hit the first peak, but it'll be a lot lighter than what's in store for us in May and June. So if you think this is bad, it's just

the tip of not even the iceberg. We don't even see anything yet. It's going to get a lot worse very, very quickly and get used to hunkering down. Because if you think nine weeks is a lot, it'll be closer to 90 before you know it. And did I talk to my ex? No, I didn't talk to my fucking ex.

Because they don't want to talk to me. I'm a sour guy. I'm in a bad mood. I'm not lightening the day for anybody. They don't want to reach out and ask me how I'm doing. How am I doing? I'm doing poorly in the store there. You tanked the fucking show.

You destroyed this podcast. All you had to do was offer hope to people. All you had to do was offer hope to some people, even in a small way. Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you were asking for the reality of the situation. You want me to lie to everybody? Hey, we're all let's start relaxation.

And meditation will help you feel better or something. What did you want me to say to these ignoramies? Do you want me to just feed them lies? Never mind. Obviously never mind. I shouldn't have asked. Jesus, man. Should we introduce them after that devastating check-in

with Amir? Should we introduce them to our favorite new segment on Review Review? Yeah. We like to do a little thing on our show that I think we could bring. I think it would really. It should be on every headgum podcast, really.

It should be on every headgum podcast because it all comes back to the man the myth legend. This segment is called What Happened, Marty? So for us, it's usually about why hasn't he gotten us more ads? Why is he so sad? Why isn't he kind of getting out there emotionally, physically? So if you guys want to chime in, you just got to end it with a little come on.

What happened, Marty? All right. Why don't you guys start and then we'll take the third and fourth one. Marty refuses to get a Nintendo switch because a couple months ago he thought it was childish and it was a toy for children. But now all of us are bonding and having more personal experiences outside the office and he's missing out.

What happened, Marty? I texted Marty asking which was better, Wexler's deli or Maury's bagels. And he said, Maury's is a cleaner version of Wexler's. I said, how thin is the slice? And he said, the Nova's so sharp, they might as well call it cheddar. I said, because sharp cheddar and he didn't respond. What happened, Marty?

I know Marty stopped playing video games entirely. He was racking up a time debt on one of those games. He said he played over 100 hours, a thousand hours. I forget already. And then I asked him how it was going and he said he had to get to give it up. So he stopped indulging in the one escape that gave him joy. So what happened, Marty? I'm wondering what happened there.

I saw last time I saw Marty, I believe he had a tattoo of a rose on his forearm and I think maybe a tattoo of a lightning bolt somewhere. And then we were on a zoom call last week and he raised his arm and it looked like he had a quarter sleeve. And I'm just wondering how many tattoos he got in his first one was a year ago. So this is just like really wall to wall tatting and I wondering what what happened, Marty.

I went to the gym with Marty and we just lifted for for a day before quarantine and in the in the locker room afterwards, we were changing and I saw that he had two W's tattooed on both of his ass cheeks and when he bent down and said, wow, and I was just wondering what happened, Marty. So he was naked. He goat seat you. He was the only he got to me and he got me. So that was before he put on that was before he put on his diaper.

I don't know if you guys will take you're the only one, but I don't know if got to you if you've seen his music video back in the day. But he was naked. Yeah, no, Amir went to high school with got you. Yeah. Did you really? We were in ninth and tenth grade. Me got to you and that's really. Yeah.

And what bio? You started a list, but it was just the two of you. Did it wasn't like you and Jesse, Oh, for me and like got to you used to like do jackass style stunts. Like you would be like, we would like do fake interview man on the street shit. So like got to you would like ask them a question like, hey, can I can you name 31 flavors and 31 seconds and I'll give you $31,000. And then they would like freak out and mean got to you would sort of

snicker and run off and kiss each other behind a bush. What behind a bush? That's the craziest part. Jesse would shoot off fireworks into his own ass. And then everybody kind of crack up on camera. But then and then Amir would kind of do parkour and hurt his neck. And then it would be got to you's turn. And he would just kind of be like, I was the sort of the filming guy.

Yeah, got to you never got into like the pain stuff. He would want to do like the embarrassing shit. Yeah, he would like wake up his parents and kind of annoy them. Right, Margera style. Yeah, no one had the balls to do what Steve Oh did. No one had the balls to do what Dave England could do. Easy, easy, brother. You're clenching your your jaw.

There's a lot of tension in the jaw. Just loosen up, loosen your shoulder. What happened, Johnny Knoxville? What happened, Gattier? Yeah. Part of this podcast is supposed to be kind of like a peek behind the curtain. So if anybody has any head gum memories to share, I think it could be interesting to to the audience about just the inner workings of the Bish

and maybe something from our company retreats and shows at South by or Chicago or this year, I think it's going to happen this year, right? Atlanta, I think it's Atlanta or Toronto. Yeah, we'll be in Atlanta. So one of my favorite head gum memories is you had like the your prolapsed anus and you needed extra health care and you eliminated Andrew's health care to pay extra for your health care. You know, yeah, just try to tell that story without alluding to me having a pink sock.

But I do. I appreciate you calling him Andrew, though, because it kind of humanizes Pyle a little bit more to make sure that the audience knows that you took away his. Yeah. What do you really? Yeah, especially being an upstate in New York. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Pyle, his health care was eliminated because Amir had a pink sock. And yeah, yeah. He's talking about like, was there like a really loud fart in a karaoke party?

So I think silly. You know, I happen also too. Yeah. There was one time. But the prolapse is because you were you were using a prostate massager during working hours. So that's kind of like it wasn't even in the bathroom either. It was in the studio, which is where everybody needs to be. Oh, what?

What did you say? What a prostate massager. You're saying I I went to the studio, put my ankles behind my head and just sort of stuck a dildo in my ass. So to come in, it was actually an egg. It was an egg. We are we're being replaced by machines. All right. Does anyone else have a story?

No, I am serious here for a second. South by memories, Riley. Oh, that's so. Yeah, I mean, there's so many, right? Like all of us. Oh, you didn't go to South by South by together. Wasn't invited. Oh, yeah. Man, I mean, it's like Chicago.

Did you go to Chicago? I do have memories of because I was there. So that's the difference between me and the other other three things. How'd you know we were in Chicago, by the way? I forgot you. Why are you? Why were you there in Chicago? Why was I there? I saw you there.

But that was the first I heard about you coming because we well, we opened for you guys, actually. Yeah, that's true. OK, so I understand why you were there. I just don't understand why at the merch table the whole time. It was helpful to have you there in that capacity. That's true. OK. All right. Yeah, so that was awesome.

So you've been included forever. That's awesome. So we've established that Riley's always around, always. And basically, I actually do have a great. I have a fun little backstage mem, not necessarily backstage of a real stage, but back peaking behind the curtain, behind the smoke and mirrors. I do remember Claire Slaughter, a mere Schmelbluenfeld and I

took a lift from the airport to our hotel when we got to Chicago. And I remember our lift driver was like, asking asking what we were doing there and we were trying to get him to cut. We're like, oh, you know, we're doing like a comedy podcast festival. You should come. And he's like, oh, you guys, you guys do comedy. And we're like, mm hmm. And he was like telling us.

He was like telling us really long and kind of not great jokes. And we we didn't laugh. Because Claire is loving it. They were done first egging them on at night. And then like he would finish it and he'd be like, yeah, so that's kind of the joke. And like we were kind of felt like we had to laugh.

And all of us were texting each other like, is he should we jump out? And at one point, I think we like a mirror made a mirror, made a joke and just pointed to some abandoned building like this side of the street. He's like, oh, well, this is us. And it was like more of a joke for us. And the driver was like, no, let's not wear your snow. That can't be where it's staying. And we know it's not.

I didn't know if you were joking or not because you said you were funny is what he said to me. So that was a really powerful experience. That was a scary moment in time. It was a scary moment in time. Imagine being quarantined with that man. Imagine us us backstage at Talia Hall last year being told that we would that this is what we'd be doing on this day today, May the 3rd.

Yeah, wait, when was was that a year ago? Was it like June? It was June 15th or something like that. June 15th. So, yeah, almost a year. Yeah, fucking crazy. My favorite headgun memory was South by 2017 or no, 2018. I didn't say a person.

I said a time it was. It was all there. Simply put, well, the gang was kind of there. You know, everyone was there. It was like a lot of the perfect crew. That was when the vibes were still positive and everybody was on the same page communicative. Just like really, we couldn't mesh better.

That was the whole thing. Awesome. Yeah, totally. And it's so fun because I remember texting you guys there. One second. Jeffrey was talking. I was just saying that dynamics are such a thing. So to have.

That's what's so important. What's the company? Can you mute Riley? The bonds. The bonds are so important. And it's so cool that bonds can also stay over time and space and distance. My ear hurts. There's something that's like rating.

Jeff, what were you going to say? What was the South by memory? The only. Only South by. You guys mentioned bonds because our bonds finally kind of paid off at that point. Like we had bought them low in 2016 and by 2018 they were high. So we all sold out and suddenly we're like thousand years. Right.

And so that's right. Amir and Jake leave it lead a toast at the Airbnb in Austin. And you know, it's kind of the start of the weekend. We have a show the next day and the day after that, Amir raised the toast. And he's like, uh, like to good memories to the team, to Austin, to South by. And, uh, oh, yeah, we got the dough boys. And that was when the dough was assigned. You had guys kept it a secret.

Everybody got goosebumps. Marty said, China. It was a whole thing that was awesome. And I also remember that on the way Amir and I were had just finished that tour that we did with middle ditch. So we were, we flew from Vancouver that, like that morning to Austin and we were getting on the plane in Vancouver, uh, when we got the email that said that the dough boys chose, uh, head gum to go with.

And it was like, this is, it just bodes so well for the weekend. We were so amped. Yeah. That's so cool. In a dream world, we get so big on Patreon that we can let head gum die a slow death. Right. Like that's your dream world in a dream world. Like you can just sort of think big.

So like, why is in your dream world, head gum dies. I deal scenario. The burning thinking ship that is head gum. That's dream world. Yeah. I was allowed to be your dream is finally allowed to rest. Just to say in a dream world, everyone's successful. You know what to say?

Like more selfish to, to have something that's in pain continue to live. I feel like it's actually the selfless, like in a dream world though. Dream for it to die. Okay. I was just saying, all of my dreams come true. Head gum dies a slow, painful death. No. Slow, painful death.

Not in a dream world. And I make like 2000 bucks a day on also let it die or you would let it, you would sell it and let it live on just not under your guys. Sounds like a nightmare world. I would shudder it in this dream world. You want everyone else to be suffer. And you to be fine. If I have $2,000, I know what you're just saying.

Yeah, I feel like reiterated. You already said it. And I think everyone else's life sucks. And I have 2k. That's right. That's not like that. I'm a little bit better than everyone. That's quote best case scenario for you.

Yeah. Yeah. And if that makes me an asshole. Yes. That makes me a bad guy because I want other people to fail so I can just correct, just barely pass, but look like a success. You get exactly why it's bad. Then you know what?

So be it. Yeah, so be it. They call me a pink sock. And I guess I'm a colon of a man. So I thought that we might call one of our friends, especially someone who wouldn't want to be called. Jeff speed dialing his X right now. Take me back, please.

That would call one of my friends or at least someone who's supposed to be my best friend. Is there a call the last person I called five times and thin, but it was actually through sick and grim. Nice. He played John mayors moving on and getting over so that I can kind of get in the mindset that I was when I called the bish. Truly, though, I thought that we could give a gabris a call and see if he

picks up, which he won't, but even that. Love it. I would call gabris out of the blue. I haven't called gabris in months, years. That's the whole point. That's the point of the bit. This is why this is the time. That's the point of quarantine.

The point is that I'm going to call. No, he doesn't know. No, the whole thing is that he's like, why is a mirror calling me? It's fucking Sunday night. That's what he'll think. Yeah, that's what he'll think. And then he's on air and suddenly all his thoughts are recorded and he doesn't know until it was released.

He has to be on and like be funny because he knows he's on a podcast. And so it's like you're putting him on the spot. Putting him on the spot is exactly what I would want to do. You want me to alienate a friend. I want you to go out on a limb for your buddy so that they are embarrassed on the air and then we'll edit it out for the show, for this show. It's for the fucking swan song. He said we're going to edit it out for the show.

The show for the show. Hard to chant on this time. Yeah, there's a lag, a latency, if you will. I could call someone else. No, call a cabriolet. I didn't have my phone. My phone's charging in a different room. It doesn't matter.

Sprung this on me. Yeah, I sprung this on you like spring sprung on my ass. All right, I wasn't expecting March 21st. March 21st. You weren't expecting the day. I wasn't expecting the solstice, right? I don't know. Is March 21st.

Spring? I don't fucking care, but I woke up on a day, whether it was the 21st, 22nd or 20th, it doesn't fucking matter. But I woke up and it was somebody who was like, oh, it's spring. Every day you wake up on a day. Every day I win, win, win, no matter who. And I didn't know when. So I woke up and it was spring and it had sprung.

And I had a spring in my step. A pep in my eye. Day. Day. A glint in my belly button that I had to fork out with a fishing pole. Stop yelling. Plug in your mic. It's not plugged in.

It doesn't matter. The podcast is over. I stopped recording two hours ago. Take out your trash. Call your girlfriend. Take your trash out. Think you've had a garbage. Have you guys seen that thing that ESPN did where it was like, who's the most famous

person we could get on the stream? Of course not. Of course not. Of course I haven't seen that. I'm serious. I haven't seen it. I did see it. Katie Nolan did that.

Yeah, Katie Nolan did that. Who did they get on the stream? Who did they get on the stream? They ended up getting Dwayne Wade. They got Lin-Manuel Miranda, Ian Carmel, which is a little bit of a downgrade for that. You know. They got a bunch of people. A-listers.

And they just added them. They just added them to a Zoom call. Yeah. They texted them the link and then they unannounced. They joined. We're not even on a Zoom. For our version of, can we get a celebrity on here? That's just adding Jeff, who was already hosting the show, to the show.

And now Riley's disconnected. So far, this game has resulted in us losing people and gaining nobody. In a way, we've sort of lost the dead weight. So in this way, we only have three people. So now we add another one and it's like, it doesn't matter how it's recorded or if it's recorded. And it's gabris. And now we lost Amir.

So it's me and Jake. Wow. If this is how it ends, this is how it ends. But all I'm saying is that maybe you get Ariel Vandenberg on here. Maybe you get fucking, do you know, who do you know? Jake Left, obviously. Well, this has been one of the worst hours of my life. Thank you guys so much for listening.

This is obviously not how I intended to end it, but it is sad for me because it's not only like they hung up on me as much as they hung up on you guys and it almost probably has more to do with hanging up on me, which is fine. And I'm like, not bitter about it, but I will be sad. And I'm going to pour myself into pouring whiskey for me into me. So basically what I'll do is like, I'm sad on the inside. And so I'll pour my energy and time into pouring whiskey and then pour the whiskey into me. And I think that's good to have.

If you did like the show, please subscribe on whatever platform you choose and it would be a huge help as well. If you could rate the show five stars on Apple podcast. And if your review makes us laugh, maybe we'll even read it on air or we won't. It doesn't matter because the show doesn't matter. Maybe welcome any feedback, any segment ideas that you guys have that you would like to hear about any head gum inner workings, issues, plagues, not related to coronavirus, but more so just within the office, like a Ferris, like a Claire Slaughter.

Maybe we'll have them on the show and let them defend themselves in front of you guys live on air. So the idea of this show is just to hang out with us. If I can have a drink, pour a whiskey, pour a beer, have a wine, whatever you want, have a soda, a water, it doesn't matter. Listen to us make it feel like we're all hanging out because honestly in times like these, obviously we're all home and we can't all be connected, but in some ways we're more connected than ever.

And I wrote that down on a piece of parchment. So yeah, thank you guys so much. We'll see you next week or not, perhaps with a different cast of characters or the same. I think the idea is that we will rotate in and out different head gum staff members also just so that you guys can get to know them. Everybody at head gum is funny, charming, talented, hot. So thank you guys so much. We will see you next week or we won't.

It'll be interesting. Like America, this is a great experiment. That was a head gum podcast.