If I Were You - Bonus Thursday Patreon Episode: Flip Off

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

A taste of our bonus video episode available in full over on Patreon.com/JA! We discuss book clubs, Vermont, and yes, joy.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Back on a Thursday with another teaser-taster-sampler of today's bonus If I Were You that is available in full on our Patreon. The Patreon has been hustling and bustling recently. We have new episodes of the EPL podcast with Thomas Middleditch and Humphrey Carr. We have new episodes of Jake and Amirwatch with Ben and Thomas. We're reliving Movie Date, the episode that they both did together. And of course we have today's If I Were You and about eight other If I Were Yous available to watch, listen to, however you enjoy your content.

All at patreon.com slash ja wanted to release a little bit of this week's episode for free here on this main feed to give you guys a preview of what to expect. If you do decide to head over to patreon.com slash ja, we are dangerously close to the 5,000 Patreon mark at which point we release the speech that I gave at Jake's wedding. So hopefully if you're on the fence, you can join and help us push towards that number. All right, without further ado, let's get into it. A bonus Thursday If I Were You. Cool.

Let's get started. You flipped me off. Yeah, you said fuck you a few times. I didn't say that. I mouthed. You did, because we're rolling on video. I forgot we were doing the video. I was just doing like we usually do for the podcast.

You usually say fuck me. I usually flip you off to get you. To what? To get you ornery before we shoot. Yeah. I like you when you're ornery. What do you mean ornery? Like when you get cornered, you get really defensive.

I get ornery when I'm cornered. Yeah, you get cornered. You think I'm corny? Yeah. You think I'm corny when I get cornered ornery? I actually didn't say that, but see, this is sort of what I'm talking about. You think I get cornered or horny when I get ornery, right? I didn't say anything about corny.

I didn't say corny. You didn't say ornery. You didn't say cornering. I said corner. Cornered. You say cornered. Right? When I get cornered, I get cornered.

You don't get cornered. I didn't say cornered. I don't even know what that would mean in this context. You cornered me. I got hornery. I got hornery. I didn't say you got horny. I got corny.

Yeah, corny. Things that sound the same, so it's funny. You know you're doing the pun thing. What? I said cornered, and I said ornery. It's sort of a rhyme. But you said horny. You said quartered.

All that other stuff. And corny, you also said you're putting that on yourself. Yeah. All right. Yeah. We're caught up, though. Cool. I didn't appreciate the flip-off.

Yeah. Or is it flick-off? I say flip, because you flip this. There's no way that's a flick. Yes, it is. That's exactly what it is. You're flicking. No, there's no way that's a flick.

There's no way that's a flick. Well, you don't really... This is not a flick. You don't flick. This is a flick. Let's see what you do. It's a flip. Your finger flips up.

Flicking you off. Flip. No, flip. Flip. It's a flip. It's fleeting. It doesn't last very long, because I'm fleeting a foot. Yeah.

Fuck off. All right. What's the actual answer to that question? Or do you think it's both? It's regional. It's got to be regional. Flick you off. Or flip you off.

It's already auto-filling. People have asked this before. Mm-hmm. Which one is correct? Flip or flick someone off? My theory is regional. Let it be known. I've used both interchangeably, says some random guy.

And I'm down to believe Seth Kalkins in August of 2017. Oh, so there we have it. August of 2017. What a different time. Yeah. Everyone was saying flick that year. It was the truthiness of 2017. That was truthiness.

Very good. Of course, if you're listening to this, thank you. If you're watching us. That means you're a patron. We appreciate that even more. We're a patron. What the fuck is it? Patron.

Yeah. Patron is the website. Patron just feels sort of like formal. See, you're what? You're a Patreon subscriber. Yeah. You're a day one, baby. And we appreciate it.

This is, of course, a 30 minute ad free version of our podcast. If I were you, an advice show that we regularly do on Monday. But every other Thursday on this Patreon page, we're giving you guys a bonus Thursday episode. Here it is. Here's one. We need a guy who's in a book club with a coworker. So give me a male author's name.

Ernest. Ernest? Yeah. I don't know. What author is that? I couldn't think of an author, so I just did, like, from the Ernest moods. Oh, that's funny. Ernest goes to camp.

Yeah. And there's another one where he said Christmas. Hey, dudes, for the past two years, my coworker and I have been exchanging books that we think the other would like. We have similar tastes, mostly history, so we've always enjoyed the books that the other brings in. However, this most recent book she lent me is straight up stinky. It's poorly written, poorly edited, and it's a real slog.

I honestly don't want to finish the damn thing, but I really don't want to be rude either. She is kind of a work mom to me. I'm a 26-year-old guy, and I really value our friendship. What should I do? Is there a polite way to give the book back without finishing it, or should I suck it up and push my way through the next 400 pages? Thanks for shaping my humor over the last decade.

Love Ernest. P.S. Loving the Patreon. So this guy is a patron. I would say this is a solid candidate for a lie. A lie. Yeah. So I gave you a long, bad book, and then in two months you do what? No, two weeks.

Three weeks. Three weeks, you read a 400-page book, and you give it back, and you're like, hey, thanks so much, that was great. Did you like it? Let's do the next one. Did you like it? That was great. That's my favorite part.

The beginning I really liked. You already read it yourself. That's my favorite part, in the beginning. The chapter about the U-boats, I thought that was really cool. How'd you think it ended? You thought it ended well? Well, yeah, it was a history of World War II, because as we established, I like history books, so I thought it ended pretty well with Hitler killing himself and the US of

A winning. It ended in 39, the book. You didn't read it. Well, I'm talking about World War II. You didn't read it. Oh, come on. You didn't read my fucking book. You did my work, man.

Oh, you shot me in the face. Christ! You think that's how you'd react to it? You didn't shot me in the head. You'd be dead. That's my fucking brain. Ow! Ow!

Knock it off! No knock it off or no out. Get out of here! I don't think so. You're acting like I flicked your eyes. Voiced! All right, that's fine. Perfect.

Yeah. What's your advice? Remember Clips Notes? Oh, yeah. So, growing up in the early 80s, like I did, we didn't read. We didn't have to. That was Reaganomics. All right?

This was... You voted for Reagan, right? Yes. I was born in 71, raised in 83. We had these things called Clips Notes. I don't even know if they have them anymore. Is it just Clips Notes? It's not Clips.

I think it's Clips. It's a guy named Cliff. Let's check the internet again. It's Clips Notes. Clips? Clips? Cliff made all the notes. Uh...

Who the hell is Cliff? Why'd he take so many notes? That's good. Seinfeld. Yeah. We kind of dated... Jeremy. By the way.

Started in 1958. So, Clips Notes were these, you know, abridged versions of famous stories so that people didn't have to read books in high school. You just read the Clips Notes, the abridged version of these famous novels. Then later on on AOL, they had like Barron's book notes where they had it all online. You didn't even have to buy the Clips Notes. Now I don't know what kids are using. Wikipedia.

Oh, yeah. You go to like the Amazon review of this book and just like get all your talking points right there. So, there probably doesn't need to be a service that abridges books for you because every popular book probably has a Wikipedia page that summarizes it. So you could just always do that. Again, you're lying. Right.

Because... But I think there's not real... Like, so this book club has been going on for a little while, right? So mom isn't like suggesting her favorite book anymore. This isn't like going to really hurt her feelings if you didn't like it. So I think you can read about it. You know, don't hurt her feelings so much by being like, you recommended a lemon and I want it.

I want it out. This is a bad book. You just read the Clips Notes or the Wikipedia, whatever. So you go back to her and be like, I finished it. Yeah, it wasn't my favorite. I had it like, there were some good parts, but this, this, and then we're like, that's book club. You talk about the book.

Okay. You're getting very antagonistic towards the work mom. Okay. You have a lot to have an opinion, right, mom? For crying out loud, you shot me last week. By the way, you ever apologized? You shot me in the head. Yeah.

I thought you were dead. I am sorry, I guess. Have you ever read something out of obligation to someone and then like gotten a third of the way through and you're like, I can't do it anymore? Yeah. After high school, it's hard to force yourself to read a book you don't like. I was like sort of dating somebody who was really trying to convince me to read Infinite Jest.

Oh, that like 1200 page dense novel that doesn't really make sense. Right. But changes some people's lives. Yeah. And it's like, you have like, if you like, you want to know me like this, like read this book. It's my favorite book. It's a very uptight thing to think.

Like if you want to know me, read this traditionally impossible to understand book and then only then will you know how complicated I am. I totally stopped hanging out because I couldn't finish the book. You couldn't get to know. Talk about a Seinfeld episode. Yeah. Somebody gives you a book that you don't want to read. But then you can't like, or he reads it, but he stays up all night and then he doesn't

do well on the date because he was up all night reading the book. This could be the pilot episode of our TV show for sure. So it's our characters. Somebody gives me a book to read to get to know her. Actually, I think this was an episode of Friends. Probably. That's where Rachel writes Ross a letter. Oh, yeah.

That's sort of it. Yeah. It's like, I want you to read this letter. It's not quite the same because that's like, he really should have read the letter. It was a really long letter, but he basically like implicitly agrees to saying he cheated on it, right? Right. No.

Not implicit. It's an admission. You have guilt that they weren't on a break. Yeah. Friends is a great show. Yeah. David Schwimmer, are you kidding me? Ross.

I think don't actually force yourself to read the book. Say you did. Onto the next. Yeah. Here's a question for you about Friends. Yeah. Did Marcel, the monkey, last one season or two? You know, one season or two?

I actually know the answer to this because Friends has been on in my household for the last few days, and Marcel existed primarily in season one, but there was a mini story arc in season two where Ross visits Marcel on the set of his movie, and they have like a little date together, and then he drives off in a cab at the end, so they say a final goodbye to Marcel. I would not have put Marcel in season one. Yeah. Marcel was like the OG of season one.

I thought that would be like a two or three. Yeah. Yeah. That's like when Ross was just an animals guy. That was his character. He loved animals? He loved, like, it was his paleontology nerd, like, focus on that for a whole season. So he had a pet monkey, he worked in a museum, then they slowly got rid of the monkey.

The dinosaur stuff became de-emphasized over time, and he just became a general nerd guy. I see. All right. Next question? We should do a Friends podcast. That'd be awesome. Yeah. We'll call it what?

Let's read the next question. All right. Here's a guy who lives in Vermont. Give me a famous Vermontese man. Stephen King? Give me a famous man from Vermont. Stephen King is from Vermont, isn't he? Sure.

I'm not going to look it up. Cool. Or is he from New Hampshire? Or is he from Boston? No, I think it's either Vermont or New Hampshire, he's a big Boston fan. I've already looked up enough stuff this episode. You have to look this up. Where is Stephen King from?

Where is Stephen King from? And does he say flip or flick off? That's another thing we should look up. And it looks like he's from Maine. I'll search famous people from Vermont. Yeah. Whoa, it just says LOL. I guess there's no really famous people from there.

Trolling Vermont. Oh, actually, here we go. Calvin Coolidge is from Vermont. He's a president. Not anymore, but yeah, he was the president. Right. Well, obviously. Obviously.

He's dead. Yes. What number president was he? 30. 30. No chance, Blumenfeld. He was absolutely 25. It seems no.

25 was McKinley. No. McKinley is 24. Who was our... You're thinking of Herbert Hoover. No, Hoover was one after Coolidge. Who was our 25th president? I used to know these all.

I know, that's why I'm fucking with you by... It is McKinley. Really? Wow. But wait, what number? It was Coolidge. This is our fucking... This is a whole other podcast.

I'm shaking a mirror up. Look up stupid shit on the internet. What number president was Calvin Coolidge? What number president was Calvin Coolidge? 30. What did I say? I think I said 30. No, he didn't say 30.

I said 30. He said 30? Yeah. John and John Carle are both off camera, shaking their head, but you did not say 30. We have video and audio proof of it. Did he say 30? I said 30. Yeah.

You piece of shit. Yeah, laugh it up. You're making me look like a fool. I'm just kidding. I don't think it's funny. I'm just kidding. Yuck Yuck. Yuck Yuck.

What number was he? 28. You think in an infinite timeline we'll have a president named Yuck Yuck? Yeah, because in an infinite timeline everything happens. Wow. Do you think in an infinite timeline we'll have a president named Yuck Yuck and he'll eat his own shit during a debate to be elected? Yeah, because if time is truly infinite, which you're postulating that it is, the universe

grows and expands at infinitum, I think any permutation of U.S. and world history can and will and has happened. So the Yuck Yuck thing is happening, the eating this shit happens. It's happening during a debate. Yeah. During a debate. Sometimes it's televised, sometimes it's just a radio debate. Right.

Yuck Yuck was like, this is what I think of your policy. That's right. Yuck Yuck. Yeah. And he's the president in this specific universe. Crazy. Yeah, that's cool. All right.

Calvin Coolidge writes, that's it. That's all you get. You coy little divas. But for the rest of the episode and everything else that's ever been posted to our Patreon, you can check it out at patreon.com slash J.A.