If I Were You - Bonus Thursday Patreon: Tom Cruise

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

Here's a taste of today's Bonus Thursday Patreon ep. As always you can watch or listen to the whole thing at Patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Back on a Thursday, thanks to Patreon, one more time. Okay. Every other Thursday, we're releasing a bonus video, if I were you. A special ad-free 30-minute bonus episode, posting it on our Patreon, but we give you guys a little sample right here on our main feed. Here's a little sauce, but if you can't wait till Monday, you can check out the entire episode on Patreon.com. Yes, and thanks to everybody that signed up so far.

As always, these are episodes that are recorded just for Patreon, and we video the whole thing so people can watch the episode as well. That's correct. And if you sign up today, you can officially still be a day one. How's that? Today's episode had these three glowing reviews. Let me just throw them out there. Oh, go ahead.

This one felt like one of the first few episodes of If I Were You. I loved it. Wow. Says Karlyn Compton. Thank you, Karlyn. Jonah writes, why are you guys the best? Beautiful. Yep.

Appreciate that. And then Camila writes, hey, y'alls haven't been to Miami yet. What gives? VTW loving all this content. That's true. We've never done a show in Miami. So why don't we do this? Let's go to the southeast just for Camilo.

We can do a little Miami, Atlanta, Charlotte, D.C., New York, Boston. New Hampshire, Nova Scotia, and then walk into the frickin' Atlantic, the icy Atlantic for a Viking funeral. That'll be the end. That'll be the end for us. Yeah, so we'll say. I would love to just be fucking buried at sea with you, brother. What?

Oh, what? What's it called? A Viking funeral? Yeah, Viking funeral. Well, I think that's, Viking funeral is like you set the pyre afire out onto the ocean. And this is what? This is just walking into the ocean never to return. Yeah.

I don't know what kind of funeral that is, but let's do it. A Hawaiian funeral. Sure. I'm in it if you are. You go first, because I get a little chilly when I walk into cold water. I can't go. I can't lead the way, brother. I follow you.

You go first, and I'll be right behind you. Aye-aye, captain. As the captain, I order you. I order you to go out into the ocean before me. Oh, no, captain. I get really chilly. You must lead your men, captain. I don't want to go in.

I trust you, captain. It's really frickin' cold out there. I just land in ankle deep cold water, get pneumonia, and die that way. Slow way. I die as a coward on the shore. Without honor. Bury me at sea. No.

You don't even give me that service. All right, let's get into this bonus episode, and thank you guys for listening. Ciao. Face dancing. It's a new trend sweeping the nation. Your dance nauseated me. Really? Yeah, I feel like seasick.

Was it too much arm motion? No, I don't know what it was. It was like, yeah, it was that. I feel like for whatever reason, like, I'm on a boat or something. It's face dancing. Yeah, it really nauseates me. You do, yeah. I feel like seasick from seeing you.

It'll cause seasickness. Why do you use that? Why is that a good dance to have? Oh, yeah, it's happening again. It looks like you're kind of having to puke a little bit. Yeah, that's sort of what the dance is. If you're listening to this episode, it means you subscribe to our Patreon. Thank you so much.

Namaste. Namaste. We should say that you're also able to view this episode. That's right. This is a video. So, unlike our regular podcast, we're recording this. It comes out ideally every other Thursday. You could be listening to it or you could be watching it.

But for those of you watching, I'll try to do a silly face that it's like a little added value. Oh, nice. Let's see something. Oh. So that's an example of like. That wasn't silly. Yeah. You didn't, your eyes died and then you sort of pulled your mouth apart.

Fuck. I started by fucking lip. All right. Let's, let's get this. Oh, yeah, you're, I, you was hiding behind the mic, but your top lip is just split in two. Half-pull. You have a forked lip. Let's fucking pass through.

You have to go to the hospital. I'm okay. Why are you choking now? I'm choking on my own blood. Of course. So if you're not watching it, you missed that. And this is also advertisement free, we should say. There's no original theme song because we don't want to lose anybody's great original theme song to the Patreon page.

So we use. This episode is brought to you by Casper. So let's just do the quick nine minute ad read. We said that there was new ads. Yeah. But we're going to do obviously a Casper ad. Well, we'll do branded. Branded.

Branded content. This is a Ray-Ban episode. We didn't say it can't be sponsored by someone. We didn't say it can't be sponsored by glasses. In general. And if I should happen to say that it's a Warby Parker ad, then yeah, but it's not like an ad read. I'm allowed to talk about brands on. I can say, I can say, I can say Taco Bell.

And that's fun. And I can say diesel pants. Which is good too. I'm allowed to say that. Any coupon code or? No. All right. Let's try to answer three great questions that we found for today's episode.

This one is about a guy who's worried that his parents are decorating his apartment. Not to his liking. The Gaul. The Gaul. We'll call this guy Gary Gaul. Gary Gaul. Right. A Harry C. Gaul.

Do girls like decorated apartments or were my parents just fucking around so that they can keep their claws in me? I'm 21 years old and my parents are so controlling that they stayed in my new city apartment over the weekend to decorate my apartment. I know first world problems, AF, huh? However, the whole time they kept saying I wouldn't get any girls to stay over if my apartment didn't look like it came straight out of HGTV filled with random ass pictures and decorative baubles.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents, but I think they really just want to fill my apartment with crap because one, they like decorating. And two, my minimalist yet meaningful style looks bad to them and their materialistic vision. How do I get my parents to stop trying to make my life the way they want to see it and are they at all right in saying that my bare walls would be a huge lady dehydrator? Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Love Gary Gaul. Gary Gaul. The reason I chose this question is because your mother decorates your places. That's true. She too likes to keep her claws in me. More than decorating, she's more about like, let me organize this for you. She comes over and she gets stressed out. No, this isn't right.

Let me organize your kitchen. I will clean. For her birthday, my gift to her will be like, you get to organize my kitchen for a day. And she's good at organizing that stuff. Yeah, she's good at it. And she's been training for that in her entire life. But at the same time, I shouldn't let her do that because I'm 35 and all. And even if it's bad the way I do it, it's still necessary that I organize my own kitchen.

Otherwise. God bless this mess. Yeah, what will happen one day when mommy's no longer here to organize my kitchen? God forbid. No, obviously she will live forever because I did my chores as a young kid. But there might be a day where something accidentally happens to her. Accidentally happens to mommy. Which is in the contract.

So she will live forever unless an accident happens. Right. Cause by you and likely something you did. Yeah. So if I mess up or if I swear or if I'm a nasty boy. That's gotta be you being naughty. That would be a result of me being a naughty nasty boy. Not respecting your elders.

So there's a delicate balance there of like, yes, letting mother help, but also no, you can't organize my entire kitchen. This guy's struggling with that same balance. Right. You have to find the balance. So your place is also minimalist. He says he likes a minimalist style. But for him, that also means nothing on the walls. For you, that doesn't quite mean that, right?

It means that everything is very intentional and serves a purpose. It's like, does it spark joy? Yes. I am very, I have Marie condoed my apartment or my house, I should say. Cause I live in a home. It is a home. I actually resent you calling the house, even though I did it. Yes.

My home is utilitarian, but also functional. It's also feng shui. It's also Zen minimalist. It is also Scandinavian. It's on fire. It is also hookah. No. Crap.

How can you, your eyes are amazing, but I know that plume of smoke is my house. It must have been the dry wood chips I leave around in order to fend away any evil spirits or some shit. So my house has all of that and then also D&D miniatures these days as you. And do they? As I am wont to paint. I have a Zen garden and I also have a dragon. And it sparks joy and it blows fire and it burns down my house. This is the nature of a dragon.

So I guess a specific question was how do I get my parents to stop trying to make my life the way they want me to see it? When your parents come over, do they make any design changes? Do they make any suggestions? Are they like completely hands off? Do you think they're fighting back an urge or they're just actually like that kind of? I don't think there's an urge. Like I have a very strong opinion when it comes to like aesthetics on like, I guess anybody's house. Like for a birthday present to me, I would also like to come into your house and like choose your rugs and your side tables and stuff.

Like I love doing that stuff. So my family knows to like back away. Fuck off. And they come to me for advice. Oh. Which is interesting, but like if this guy, if he didn't have any inclinations, if he's like, I don't care about style, but my mom wants to decorate my apartment. I think that's kind of fine because she clearly likes it and that's a nice way for you to connect. But if you're like, I have, I want it this way and she wants it this way and she says I'll never get laid if I don't have trinkets and gadgets.

A plenty? Yeah. Gizmos and what's its galore? I feel like if, I think if you have design inclinations, you should follow that because your house should be a representation of what you want to show to the world. If you have, like you, I think you don't really care about kitchen organization. You don't really like. Yeah. You like the way things look, but you're not really like, I have a strong opinion about this lamp versus this.

You like, you would rather give it over to a designer like your brother or Marty or me or something. Yeah. You make the decision. I'm good either way. That's my new Twitter bio by the way. You make the decision. I'm good either way. No.

Just I'm good either way. Because you're bi. Yeah. Right. It's just a joke. Yeah. It's just a guy. It's not funny though.

It's just for the people paying. You know what that means, right? Yeah. Just to like, you don't really care if it's a boy or a girl or something. Oh really? All right. What did you think of that? No, then I am bi.

Sorry. I thought it was like kind of like a nasty little thing. No, it's fine. I'm down for like people sucking on my toes or sucking on my mouth. Well, you are. Every option I'm down to do either one. I came in here and you were sucking Giancarlo's toe. You're right.

But that doesn't make me bi. It does it. Well, it makes you in a way it does. Because I didn't like to do it. Excuse me? I was just trying it out. Giancarlo has his toe out. Really?

One second. Because we are videotaping. We are videotaping this. So I can't. We are filming. I can only cheat it so much. All right. His question is, are they right about me saying my bare walls would be a huge lady dehydrator?

You got to put something on the walls. Otherwise you look a little serial killer-esque. Yeah. That's not really being minimalist. Minimalist is like choosing the one thing that's like going to look the best on your wall. Yeah. Or like, I think that like something small like serves to showcase the starkness of a

wall. If you wanted to do that. If you like just not putting anything on your wall and calling it minimalism, I don't think that quite makes sense. What about a seed? A seed on the wall? That's pretty cool actually. That's a good idea.

So he... That's not a good idea. You can't say an idea as a joke. Let me take that and run with it. I don't pretend like I came up with the idea. Just a poppy or something small. You're like backdooring the way into calling your idea smart by pretending I came up with it.

Now we're all on board and we're all talking about it. No we're not. I think it's a bad idea. Imagine a fucking sesame. It is a huge frame. Okay. Two feet by three feet and in the middle there's a mat. Oh a mat.

There's a white. Yeah. And then there's a fucking sesame. A sesame. Yeah. So you have the frame. A big ornate golden frame. What did you frame?

Oh, I framed a freaking seed. What's that? Did you paint it? No. I found it. I found it on a poppy seed bagel. So you didn't find it. So you didn't find it.

So you didn't find it. Yes, I did find it. Yeah, it's like that's where it was supposed to be. Finding makes it sound like it was like. Oh is a sesame seed supposed to be on a poppy seed bagel? I don't think so. I don't think so at all. All right, fine.

There was a mix up at the fucking bagel place. By the way, that's an everything bagel. So yeah, a sesame seed is supposed to be on it. Shit. All right, let your parents give them a little bit, ultimately make your own design choices. Yeah. Have them send you links. It's a nice way to be like, oh, they get to scratch the itch of intent, like you consider

their opinion. But then you like, oh no, I'm actually going to buy this. Were you ever messy? Were you ever messy? Did your mom ever come over when you were 19 years old and there was just shit everywhere? Old food containers? No, I was never really messy, but I definitely was not like a neat freak until I moved into my own place.

Interesting. I think because I grew up with so many siblings and the house was always so messy and then when I went to college, our dorm was always so messy that when I finally got my own studio apartment and I didn't have siblings and I didn't have friends that I was living with, I just became insane of keeping things neat and tidy. Do you know why? I don't know. No.

I think maybe my space was always neat and tidy because it was my little safe space, my one semblance of order and a crazy house. A crazy world? Crazy world. Because with so much tumultuous things going on, with chaos everywhere, at least we create cleanliness and order at home. I can always fold my socks really tight. I see them.

They're folded very tight. And so many times that they're wound, like they're wound and bound. That's right and that's how I wear them too. They're rubber banded to the density of a marble. They're small. They're toddler socks. They look like toddler socks. What size shoe are you?

On my right foot or on my left? It shouldn't be different, but yeah, on your right foot. Right's an 11. Okay. That's four. What? 11 on the right side. What did you say about that?

What would you call this guy? Golly Saul or something? Yeah. Gary Gull. How big is your left foot? It's four. It's four. In women's.

So that's a men's two on the left foot. I guess I'm sorry to hear that. I effectively have a peg leg. That's it. That was the taste. That's all you'll get for now. The rest of the episode, again, you can listen to it. You can watch it all at patreon.com.com.

We're inching very close to releasing my best man's speech at your wedding. We're just a few hundred away from that. So let's go. Do everybody a favor, sign up for the Patreon, enjoy the content. There's some Jake and Amir. Watch Jake and Amir videos on there and we're making new stuff there every week. So enjoy the stuff and thank you for listening. Bye.

That was a hate gum podcast.