If I Were You - BONUS THURSDAY: The Headgum Podcast

Episode Date: September 24, 2020

This is a special feed drop of THE HEADGUM PODCAST with us, Geoff, and Marika. A silly great time for your weekend listening.If you haven't yet, you can subscribe to THE HEADGUM PODCAST wherever you listen to this show.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to a special bonus episode of If I Were You. Well, technically not If I Were You, but pretty much might as well should be If I Were You. This is an episode of the Head Gum Podcast, which is a newish podcast on the Head Gum Network. It's hosted by Jeffrey James, and every episode is a new round table of sorts featuring Head Gum, workers, podcasters, personalities. So this is last week's episode. It's me, it's Jake, it's Jeff, and it's Marika. And if you guys haven't listened yet, this is a good entry point into the Head Gum Podcast. Every episode is roughly like this. It's a little sillier, a little wackier, a lot of bits, and we think it'll be up your alley. So we thought we could slide it into this feed because, you

know, we're creatures of habit. So you're not necessarily willing to go to the Head Gum Podcast and subscribe yet. So I have to sort of like giving a dog medicine, slide it into this feed, get you hooked, get you interested. And if you want to hear more, there's I think 17 episodes now. So yeah, keep listening to this one. It'll be the entire episode from last week. And then subscribe to the Head Gum Podcast. You can listen to the previous 16 episodes and the future, I want to say, I think we're signed up for to make 2000 episodes. So sign up now, enjoy this episode, and have an amazing weekend. Without further ado, the Head Gum Podcast. Let me just pull up the theme song. You say this every week, but it's not the theme song. It's just

a song that you're choosing from Spotify. Welcome to the Head Gum Podcast. This obviously doesn't match the energy that you led in with. What do you mean? It was so amped. It was like so exciting. You head banged so hard, your headphones came off. Right. Just because it was this week, the trend by Relyne K. Yeah, obviously. Which I'm bringing up for an exact reason that we can't talk about. Marika, who did we pitch to today are going to next week? I don't know. I'm not on the And this is the part where you bleep out who we're talking to about creating podcasts. This is a meeting as much as it is a podcast. I think this is like the fastest censorship

that's ever happened on any podcast. Amir, say some shit. Don't just do other work during the show. Because you're looking down and you're typing, so I know you're not paying attention and I know you're sending an email or editing a script or something. Can I just interrupt, Jeff? Because Amir was distracted and I promise you he was not doing work. He was texting a basketball text thread or something. There's no way that he was just trying to get work done on the side. It was a basketball text thread, but it wasn't a basketball text that I sent. It was related to LeBron James about his off the court quotes about a game that he was playing later today, which I don't even know what sport that is. Basketball.

All right. What was the quote? I can't wait to play this game. I love talking about basketball. Watch me shoot the hoops and score the points. He didn't say that. He said that. That was a in a pregame presser. He was like, I'm looking for it to score. But the whole point of the game is to put the ball in the hoop and watch this shit. That's what he said. The point is to watch this shit. He explained in a press conference the point of the game. They asked him. It sounded like you changed directions mid quote that you were giving there, too. Me giving or LeBron? I don't know. Did he say that? I can't put my head. Say it. If you're reading the quote, will you read it again? Yeah. I can't wait to put the ball in the basket. The whole point of the

game is to check out the headgun podcast and watch this shit. That's crazy. If he said that, that's crazy. I'm just reading. You can't get mad at me. Read it one more time. Yeah. Here we go. Because if you're just reading, it should be word for word. Everything on time should be the same. Exactly. Orange circle. That's the ball. That's the rim. Coincidence. Now watch this drive. Listen to buckets on the headgun network. Oh, fuck off with the promoting of buckets. What is this? Marika just changed her background on the Zoom to the hot priest from Fleabag. It's Andrew Scott. I watched a play this weekend that was performed live in a theater to no one but broadcast around the world.

Whoa. It was a one man show called Three Kings starring Andrew Scott. We Three Kings of Andrew Scott. I think he's more cute, right? Hot, I imagine, like a big, tall, strong guy. He's more of a cute, shorter, sweeter. You don't want too many muscles, though. You don't want too many muscles. You want like... But if your name is the hot priest, I wouldn't imagine that guy. I think he's hot. I'm looking at Google images of him. He's hot. Where is he from? Ireland. He's from Ireland. I feel like that's the point of that, yeah, that like character is like,

he's not, I don't want to say unconventional, but like, it's like a different kind of hot. He's not McDreamy or McSteamy, but he's kind of like hot in his own regard, in his own right. He's not. I don't think he's hot. I think he's cute and sweet. Also, if I had my druthers personally, the original hot priest to me is from a television show called Grant Chester, starring James Norton. And he plays literally the description of the show as like a hot vicar who likes jazz, teams up with a cop, James Norton. Wait, James Norton? Yeah, it's so good.

Don't watch shows like that. I would actually listen to, I'd listen to a podcast called Marika's Druthers, where you would just describe what you would have if you had your druthers. Brownlee's druthers. Yeah, this guy's hot. This guy's hot. He's, he's tall and he has a squirch. James literally, James Norton, all he does in the show is bike ride with his dog that's named Dickens and like listen to jazz and drink whiskey. It's great. It's a great show.

This guy doesn't have fucking eyebrows. I don't think so. He looks like Dave Rosenberg. Yeah. Yeah, Dave Rosenberg is hotter than the hot priest. This is insane. Are you kidding me? He needs to dye his eyebrows.

He looks flat. He looks like a square pizza. Yeah. I love a square pizza. Although, do you see this picture of him shirtless? He's kind of thick, which is hot. No, his body's good. His body's good. But he's sort of a water priest. I bet Andrew, what's his name?

The hot priest from Fleabag. I bet he doesn't have abs. Is that safe to say? No, he has abs. I also saw a shirtless photo of him when I searched. What's that guy's name again? Andrew Scott. I think what people don't understand is that like it's easy to have abs if you are like a famous actor. Like it almost comes with the territory.

And he doesn't have abs. He doesn't have abs. I'm sorry to say. He has a flat stomach, but I don't see individual abdominal muscles. Yeah, I guess you're right. Also, not abs like the other guy. What's the shortest you can be and still be hot? Like you can't be 5'2 and be hot.

Not that he is 5'2, but there's a cutoff at a certain point. You're no longer hot. You're more cute. What's what is what's cited, you know, the song Short King? It's like I'm five foot something and I'm royalty. What is that something? Then we'll have our answer. Let's see. Short King.

I'm five foot. Nice. We'll keep this in. Oh my god. He says I'm five foot something, but my pills all paid. So we don't even know that yet. Yeah. Wow.

So it's really anything, anything five foot that's considered short. As long as you're, well, even this is already body shaming. It doesn't matter what the cutoff is. We're body shaming. Oh, we're saying they're royalty. As long as you're above five feet, you're royalty. Yeah, that's what you just said. It's what y'all are saying.

I haven't spoken about it. I didn't say I know what the song said. I think this is wrong. I think you're not hot unless you're seven foot two. That's the hot height. That's that hot. I'm not saying you can't be a, you can still be attractive. You just can't be hot.

I'm sorry. Like those are the rules. You can still be handsome. You can still be cute. You can still be sweet. You can still be good looking. You just cannot be hot if you're not tall. Who makes it up to Amir?

Why isn't your... I think it's five, 10 then. I think it's five, 10. And I also think there's a tall end cutoff. I think if you go beyond like, let's say six, six, you start to look a little alien. No, because like Serge Abaka is six, nine, and he's hot. No, Serge Abaka is 69.

He's actually six, four, fucker. He's hot because he actually is a giving lover. And I won't retract anything I've said so far. Why did you start this? Show will be out by the days. Oh my God. Cannot mention. Why did you start with a Reliant Case on

then talk about pitching someone and then instantly move off of both of those things? Because I mentioned in a content meeting, I actually don't think you were there about Reliant Case this week, the trend. And this show is supposed to be an inner look at the network, the inner workings, the cogs in the machine that is the network, including Hegamine Incorporated.

Let's go back to Marika's druthers. Give me another druther of yours. If I had my druthers, theater would be back safely. Are you, would you like, give me a timeline of when you'd be willing to go to a Broadway show. If they open theaters like restaurants at 25% capacity, would you be like, me first, I want to buy a ticket? No.

Test this thing. When there's a vaccine is when I will return, yeah. What if you found out that you had the antibodies and they opened to 25% capacity? I feel like I still, like in Nicholas Braun's songs, antibodies, parentheses, do you have that? I don't really understand what they mean. So I don't feel confident enough and would rather just wait.

What about a rapid test? A rapid test, everyone gets tested before they go in. So everybody in there is guaranteed doesn't have COVID. Yeah, the rapid test is supposed to be as effective statistically as a vaccine. I mean, that feels better. The thing, I don't know, I don't understand how the time period between when you have it, but like aren't showing

symptoms or wouldn't be able to get results that like showed. How would the test work if you had your druthers? I don't know. Instant read. I'm a scientist. 200% effectiveness. Yeah, of course. Imagine a dongle so small you can swallow it if necessary.

What is wrong with you? Amir is holding up a USB-C or USB 2.0 to a USB-C adapter. Yeah, you're saying that if it came to it, you could... He's biting it. It's in his mouth. So not swallowing, biting. And yeah, what Jake was about to say is right. A small...

A small angle. I like that a lot. Who's the guy from Lord of the Rings? Smeagol. Or Gollum. Or Gollum. Yeah. It kind of depends who you're talking to.

There's Smeagol and Gollum. Do you guys think Gollum ever skis slalom? Ask that again. You think Gollum has ever skied slalom? He would... It would be Gollum smeeing slalom. Yeah. No?

Gollum smiggling smoss. What the fuck are we saying? It's like we're recording this at 3 a.m. Yeah. This brings us to our first segment. Fuck Mary Kill. Inanimate object slash concept edition. Salsa guac queso.

Everybody has an ancero. Oh. An ancero? Just answer the question, Blu and Film. I haven't said anything. He kills queso. I know he kills queso. I would kill queso.

I'm not high on cheese, please. Don't need that sour cream in my guac, you mean? That wasn't even an option. It's not an ingredient. I'm just saying. I'm waxing. I'm waxing dairy. Fun queso.

Mary Salsa kill guacamole. Kill guacamole. Wow. I can get by without the salsa. I would fuck guac. I would also. Salsa is a little too wet for me, so I would marry salsa because I like that wet ass salsa.

And in terms of fucking a bowl of dip, what's better than a guac with my chip? How big can a bowl be and still be hot? How small can a bowl of guac be? I saw your fallus in the headgum locker room, by the way, and it is a tortilla chip. It's fragile. It has a bite out of it.

Yeah, it's a bowl. It's a tustida scoop. Is it protruding inward or outward? Concave. No, concave. No. All right. And then Jake, your final answer.

I marry the queso. I fuck the guac. And I think I can get by with no salsa, as long as I'm allowed to have a little chelula on the day. Are you putting chelula just on chip plain? Into the guac. Okay. I'm put, yeah, directly into the guac,

so I still get the spice, so I still get the zest. Gotcha. Technically, like, salsa is basically an ingredient of guacamole, unless you're not adding tomatoes, which some people don't. Yeah, but you really shouldn't. I don't add tomatoes, because to add tomatoes to it is to water it down into kind of a mush. To have that bite, the bite of a tomato is not.

It's not anything. It's nothing bites, because it's actually soft, and I'm not soft, I'm hard. I'm a hard one. I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran. Are you FMK for your, for you then? What is it?

Did you say? Oh, it's kill. Okay, honestly, it's kill salsa, marry queso, because you get to choose, like, you know, the best queso. Let's say torches, right? And then you marry guac. You married two. I thought you just married, you married both.

Fuck guac. I mean, fuck queso. You marry guac. Marry guac, fuck torches queso. Kill salsa, because it's just tomato, and that can't be for me. Number two. Clurbs, dives, or cocktail bars?

Ooh, God, that's easy. I know. And? Well, you kill the clurb. You kill the clurb. Yeah, yeah. You marry, you marry a cocktail, and you fuck a dive. Yeah, that's my answer.

Because you don't have to treat a dive right. And that's the beauty of the dive. Right. That's just a fuck buddy. That's just a no strings attached thing. And not the clurb. Cocktail bars are marriage material, to be sure. Yeah, they definitely are.

Actually, in a way, in the same way, I feel like you have your favorite dives that you'll always return to, and that's sort of like a marriage. But I actually know I go back. I think that's like a fuck buddy. That's comfortable. No, let's answer.

Let's do the third one. I say kill clubs, marry dives. And fuck queso. Fuck cocktail. And fuck cheese dips. Because I think cocktail bars are like, oh, it's sexy. It's the equivalent of like a cocktail dress, right? Or like a nice slim cut Ryan Gosling start

in crazy stupid love style outfit. You lost me, but I can back. But if you marry that cocktail bar, you're going to feel insecure. Actually, I will say Ryan Gosling in crazy stupid love was such a loser. If you watch that movie now, like he's just like a pickup artist, like fucking loser.

What's the least loser role for Ryan Gosling though? Because I'm thinking like La La Land, this white man that's teaching about jazz, people about jazz, like first man, he's got daddy issues or not. No, Ad Astra. Sorry, not first man. In Drive, he's just a Lyft driver.

I guess that would be my vote. In Drive, he's a cat. Yeah, Drive is probably, that or the place beyond the pines where he's like a carny that robs banks to support his like knocked up girlfriend. I think that's that's a little. Definitely not Lars and the real girl. Definitely not.

All right, 69 doggy style reverse cow girl. Let's skip this one. Obviously, it's very rude. It's inappropriate. It's not rude. It's open. We're being open with each other. Next one.

That's definitely pass. Yeah. Not that it's my answer, but just to say like fucking you fuck 69, Mary reverse. All right. Traveling, dinners with friends, concerts. With enemies.

Yeah. Okay. I have my answer, but I don't want to go first. Everyone else go. Marika, if you had your druthers. Okay. Oh boy. Kill traveling.

What? I knew you were going to be mad. Fuck concerts. Mary dinners with friends. I would kill concerts. Concerts are not good to me anymore. Yeah. Just like in a perfect world, they're not good to you.

Yeah. Yeah. No, even it. Yeah. Even pre Corona concerts are bad. And then dinner with friends is ideal. Sol Mary dinner with friends because there's nothing better than a nice dinner with some buds.

And then what's the last one? Traveling. Traveling. Yeah. Fuck traveling. No, it's supposed to be like you had you enter. Oh, you like it? Yeah.

Okay. So yeah. So I'd fuck dinner with friends because I usually end up masturbating in the bathroom and that's kind of that. That's the issue. Rubbing your tortilla chip in the bathroom. And then I'll marry. Traveler.

I'll marry a blues traveler. I'll marry a blues traveler concert. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. This one's really, I want to hear Jake's answer. It's Mary traveling, but what's the other ones? I would fuck dinner with friends and kill concerts. I think I'd have to, but it's tough because I like, I feel like I like going to one concert a year and I really like it. But I can live without that.

I really, I want to go to a concert with you, Jake, one day. I would love that too. God, one day we'll come back. Do you remember, Amir, when we went to in Australia, we saw Furnace and the Fundamentals? Just this insane Australian cover band. Oh yeah, that was a good concert. But that, we weren't even looking for a concert.

Yeah. That one, we thought was a bar, but we ended up at a fun concert. That's right. That's true. But that was like six years ago and we haven't been to one since. That's right. But that's, that's the concert I'd like to go to Marika with so she can really watch me freak out.

But you could argue that that falls under the category of traveling. That's true. I'm going to go marry dinners with friends. Fuck concerts. Yeah, it's hard. And I love traveling. I love traveling. But in terms of what I have to invest,

I think concerts have a better ROI than traveling. That's seeing the world. I also just like don't travel often. Like I definitely go to more concerts than I do go places. So. I just like being able to go like to the Hollywood Bowl or something in the summer with friends and like see dead in company or like mayor

and just like have that experience. And then I get to sleep in my own bed. Because when I travel, I have to do the hostels style, hostile and I'm hostile about it. I'm hard to travel with. Next question. Headgum LA, Headgum Brooklyn or working from home? Ooh.

Well, Headgum LA doesn't exist anymore. So kill Headgum LA. No, this let's, let's say for the sake of this one, we have the new Headgum LA office. It's somewhere really cool in Silver Lake. A new kind of Reno office style. Not co-working because we're obviously, we have our own private suite.

But what's that? Mary, Headgum Brooklyn, fuck Headgum LA and kill working from home. Obviously. Yeah. I think I would do that. That's mine also. But if we can change working from home to working remote

and I haven't killed travel, the nuts. These are all separate from each other. They're not cumulative. As long as I'm fucking Kato, married to 69 and working from Brooklyn. From Bar Harbor.

A bar with friends at Bar Harbor in France. A cocktail Bar Harbor. I got to say Mary, Headgum LA for obvious treasons, fuck Headgum Brooklyn and then kill working from home. And I'll only say that because we, I feel like if somebody needs to travel, it's kind of always been an option at Headgum to just work from home or remote or from the other office.

Yeah. So it's fine to have the office, you can work from home if you need to. This is where it's all project based, paced. I also like, previous to this, ended up working from home for like a year when there was no office. You just flipped me off.

Yeah. And that was not the worst thing I've said so far. Why did you do that? That was so rude. Sorry. It was, yeah. Maria could continue, but fuck you, Jeff. That's no, there's no point.

You spent, Maria's been in every single office in New York City. Yeah. Which was. Say for the very first like Adams recording basement, whatever. I don't, that wasn't even an office because I don't think, I don't think every single podcast even record there.

Maybe it, maybe they did though. Well, it was mold infested. So legally it cannot be considered a Headgum office because the health effects that it's had on the staff, like you don't want to be liable. Right. Yeah. Pesto, asbestos, and fresca, alfresca dining outdoors.

They're all so unrelated. One is an issue with the house's foundation. Another one is a style of eating. And the last one is a sauce. I also liked what I thought you were asking about fresca, the soda. Oh, that's good. Fresco, pesto, and asbestos. I would probably kill asbestos.

That seems bad. Yeah. And I would have a basil walnut oil puree. Don't call it that. On the day in a wedding way. In a wedding way. And an Italian wedding dressing way. What was the third option?

I don't like to say the F word. Don't want to say the F word, but you'll fuck me. Yeah. You'll, you'll flip me off. All right. 2017, 2018, 2019. Whoa. I'll go first.

Mary 2017, fuck 2019, kill 2018. I don't remember the difference between those. These are all three Trump pre-corona years that are mushed together in one 36 months chunk of time for me. Okay. Then let's change it for, it should all be different for everybody. I've only been an adult for four, five years. Okay.

So Jake and Amir, let's go 2009, 2012. Oh, you know what? No, let's go 2012, 2014. 2017. Wait, I mean, I had an answer for the other one. What is this new one? 2012, 2000, what? 14.

Forget it. 2009, 2012, 2014. Let's just. What about, okay, how about this? And these are, these are three different ones. Okay. 2009, 1999, and 1989. That way it's super different.

Which one would you fuck Mary and kill? Are you drunk? Yeah. Kill 89. 86, 89. 2006, 2009. Wait. This is a change of your time.

Jeff, what do you remember about 1999? I don't have a memory from that year. Like my first memory was from when I was three or four. So that would have been 1999 or 19, that would have been 2000. Jesus Christ. I also, I also don't have a memory from that year, but I was older and I probably do. I just can't think of it on the spot. Which is worse, to be young or to have such a shitty memory that you can't

remember shit from when you were five or six. Definitely. I'm sure it doesn't have a memory from 2019. 2017, 18, and 19 were all the same. This is too contentious. We're getting angry at each other. Okay. Hoodies, crewnecks, or cozy sweaters?

Yes. Now that's a real fucking question. Yeah, that's a good one. Good job. Mary, cozy sweater, fuck crewneck, kill hoodie. Really? Yeah. All right.

Honestly, same. I guess Mary crewneck, because I think I find myself in crewnecks more. But I could have a really meaningful fling from time to time with a cozy sweater, and definitely kill the hoodie. Yeah, I'm going to go Mary crewneck, fuck cozy sweater, kill hoodie, even though I love all of them very much. Amir, have you ever- I don't like a button down shirt.

I like these three items. I can't picture Amir in a cozy sweater. I used to wear in New York wool sweaters when it got cold. But yeah, I haven't worn a sweater. There's like some old videos of you in like a wool argyle sweater. That's right. God, 2009 was fine, so I would fuck that. 2006.

I'm staring, I'm staring outside and it's snowing ash. So like, it's hard to be funny when I currently see the end of days happening outside my window. It's gray everywhere, like it's about to start snowing, but instead of like grayish blue, it's grayish orange. And instead of snow, it's burnt debris. I think that's a good reason to kill the LA office. Entirely, yeah. Tomorrow's high is $192.

What's that? Too much. We're, it's a convection. I'm baking a cookie. Can we just set up shop in New Zealand? Like, why don't we just fucking all move to New Zealand? Can Head Gum do- Oh, I would love that.

Be a New Zealand based company. Yeah, like Queenstown was very fresh. We could link up with Melanie Bracewell. Yeah. The air there is so clean and fresh. It's like constantly either like raining or had just rained and everything feels nice and clean. Here, I can't open a window or I'll die slowly.

So like, that's not nice to have. Yeah, that's bad. But no, none of y'all like traveling. An interesting fact, Amir, about the where you live, and I'll cut out any specifics. This is, I might even not even include this, but just for the sake of the conversation. Yeah, don't include.

Don't include it then. No, it's interesting. If you're gonna say like, yeah, you don't have to say where- It snowed in LA. The last time it snowed in LA, I think I don't remember when I was in the 80s or something. It was like right behind your house.

Oh, really? I didn't know that. I thought it hasn't snowed in LA since the 30s. It might have been the 30s. It threes look like eights to me. Yeah. All right, I'll cut all that out. All right. Fuck Mary Kill.

Ice cold water, room temp water, boiling water. Get rid of that boiling water. No interest. How would you have soup? I wouldn't have soup. You can't have mac and cheese. You can't have Annie's mac and cheese. You can't have coffee.

I'll kill room temperature water then, Jeff. Yeah, there you go. Mary ice cold water, fuck boiling water, kill room temp. Last dance, TV, podcasts, movies. Oh, last dance, you mean it's the last one. It's the last fuck Mary Kill, and then there's two more seconds.

Kill movies. Mary podcasts, because in a way, we already have. Nice. All right. Slow clap starts. Conversation starters. Describe the perfect chair to you to have, to hold to own. I like a lounger that can like do that.

Whoa, like the back thing and then like the feet kick up. So a lazy boy. A lazy boy, yeah. It's thick. Suck. It's big. It's comfortable. You can sleep in it when the world burns around you

and you just fall away forever. It's beautiful. And then what was the last one? Your living room has like the most upright furniture I've ever seen. What do you think you have but want a lazy boy? You always want what you can't have. That's what I'm talking about. That's that sax point.

Shit. Anybody else? These are all optional from now on, I guess. Well, I want to hear Marika's druthers. I sit in chairs really weirdly. Like I never, I never sit normally like at my desk. I like either sit with my legs up or like hang one dangling over the armrest or whatever. So I think something that would accommodate that sort of sitting,

which I guess is also a recliner feet kick up with armrests sort of chair. I think there's nothing cooler than an Eames lounge chair. That classic lounge chair. I have a knockoff version of that. I don't have the real one. That's what I got from eBay. Yeah, but I've heard Pyle has the real one and he says it's like the most comfortable chair. Don't cough on the show.

Oh my God. I did it off mic so that it wouldn't be a big deal. You picked up on the zoom though, right? Disrupted the flow of conversation. No, just you did. By the way, I texted you earlier. I said I have coronavirus. Do I have to do this show and use it?

Trust me, do it. No one will mention it. It won't like alienate yourself. Take all the time you need. If you need to cough, I hesitate to even say this, but try to do it off mic with no pressure. Then I did and you stopped. You scolded me. That's exactly what you did.

You scolded me for coughing. What did I also say though? I said, I'll make it worth your while. Yes. Oh my God, you just venerated me $1,100. This is more where that came from. I haven't even talked about the second. I have another type of chair that I like.

Yeah, I want to hear your chair. I had another chair. I also like a swivel chair, like a little accent chair with a swivel. I mean, your office chair is absolutely insane. Jake purchased a saddle chair for the office. What does that mean? It's exactly what you think it means. It's just like a cowboy saddle chair.

It's shaped kind of like a saddle. There's no back. It's just that and it swivels in it. Rolls. So it's a mechanical bull. It is. It's like a little stool with, it looks like a little, it looks like a little child's like horsey play thing,

except there's no horse. So it is like, it's literally a saddle with a stool. It has like little legs that are downturned. So it guides your legs onto the stool. No back on wheels. It rolls really nicely. Smooth roller. And I will say when we were ordering chairs,

Micah and I opted for the saddle chair. We pitched it hard to everyone else. Marika said no. Pyle said no. They came and I regret the saddle chair. It's not as comfortable as another chair. Right. There was also an option.

They were at the same website. There was a saddle chair that was a like tandem saddle chair. So there was like a piece of wood on the floor. And then two saddle chairs coming up. And I wanted them to buy it so bad. They thought of all the chairs. It's a swivel rocking chair stool with no back and no lumbar support. Yeah.

You don't need that chair. It's a water bed. What is a non-political controversial opinion you have? Like a hot take. I think Trump is right about 60% of his policies. I said non-political. You should have cut them off, to be honest. Oh, I'm not even trying to be political.

I'm just saying his social, his social stance on certain issues. Like what? No. Don't entertain. Climate change. Climate change? You just complained about it raining ash. Avital or otherwise.

It did that. It did that in the 20s. What's the 40% of things you disagree with Trump on? What's it give me something that you don't see eye to eye? I don't love the Yankees. Yeah. And I don't love, love, love gulps. But I can sort of get behind an executive nine when there's time.

So you do love gulps. And did I mention I don't think beer tastes good? He doesn't drink beer. Exactly. So that sort of is my hot take non-politically and with regards to the Trump thing. I think I've said this on the show before, but I think that if your genes are comfortable enough, which honestly you should not wear jeans if they aren't comfortable and have a little bit of stretch, they're fine to lounge in and I do it every day.

I know so many people who like think I'm a monster wearing jeans in the house. Yeah. I literally have not worn jeans since I went into quarantine. And that's my main pant otherwise. Yeah. What are you going to put jeans on to sit at home? Yeah, I can't do it. It's counterintuitive.

I put jeans on from time to time. The reason I can't lounge in jeans. I've got the Levi's 512. You have a belt on? It's stretch. No belt, no belt on the day. That'll make it a little more comfortable. You don't like wearing shorts.

You don't like wearing shorts. Even when it's hot out, you don't like wearing shorts because you have thin calves and ankles. So that's why you wear jeans. I hate shorts because they frame my body in a way that make it like a square up top and then just these two noodles. Of course. So don't say it's because you like jeans. Although I got some umbros.

I got some umbros because I've been working on my calves. Your what? Thin calves. So I got some. You got one implant. I see it. It's behind you. You haven't fucking exerted it yet.

It was extremely painful and I couldn't make it through the second implant. So I got a right honker and a left thinker. Disgusting. Disgusting. All right, let's hear Jake's unvalid opinion and I can't wait to rail into them. You really come back to me. I don't know.

I don't know. I can't think of one. I'm very vanilla. I bet I can think of something for you. Yeah, give it to me. Oh, you don't like ice cream. Oh, yeah. I don't like ice cream.

You don't like ice cream? Doesn't do it for me. Do you like any kind of frozen dessert? No, I don't like dessert. If you had Marika's druthers, what dessert would it be? If I had to have dessert, I would have it much later than dinner. Like right. An hour before bed and I'd have like a chocolate chip cookie.

Yeah, it's going to say don't you like cookies? I do like cookies. But like if I'm at dinner and like and the plates are cleared and they're like now it's time for dessert, I'm like I have no interest in that. I don't want that. I want I'll eat something sweet a couple hours after dinner. Thank you very much. And I'll and I'll find my own way.

I don't want I don't want cake. I don't want ice cream and I don't want pie. I don't I have I want nothing to do with it. All right. That's enough for the third degree. I haven't said anything yet. All I said is that you don't like ice cream. You sort of been talking for three minutes straight.

Justifying the opinion. I can feel my ass blowing up. And my ass. You feel my ass and ass blowing up. Marika, have you had your druthers? I feel like I have so many very minor ones that I can't really think of. And the first one I thought of is that the last two seasons of Beep are very out of character and bad.

That's a good one. I would agree, though. I didn't I did not like enjoy watching the last two seasons. It was upsetting and I I've I've recently been rewatching it because for some reason I've decided that it's a comfort show for me in this moment, which is insane. It's not a very comforting show. But it is in a way for me, at least I like to see my friends make bad decisions. But going from like season five, which is I think when David Mandel took over to

season six, like he had a little more free reign. It's just like everyone is completely different and a bad person. And you know, it's a good show. Yeah. Sorry, continue this line of dialogue. And then I'll tell you what's a good show to watch in these times. We you just queued yourself up in the conversation, which makes us Neville Linney to kind of cut our things down.

Good question. Been watching West Wing recently. Why? So I wonder what it would be like to have a competent president. This is the perfect out. You're enjoying like, oh, these these people care about things and it's fun to watch. I mean, it's ultimately depressing because you realize the bad guys in the show are now running the country.

But it's nice to sort of escape into the reality of a Jed Bartlett led America. It's just such a fantasy. I feel like mine is more comforting because it's just also watching other things fall apart and I don't have this like idyllic sense of a world in my head. Yeah. I mean, it's everything is bad. So like there's only so much you can escape. But do they call him low energy Jed?

No, that was a nickname that Trump came up with 15 years after the show started. All right, this brings us to our last segment. Amir, you and I were just talking about your guys' true TV pilot like a few days ago. You were asking me about it. I wouldn't say we were talking about it. You were asking me to see it and I said, I don't think I have it anymore. And you said we should put it online. And I said, I don't think that's a good idea.

Is that what you're talking about, that conversation? I just thought because of those concerns. Yes, that's what I was talking about. That maybe we could kind of punch it up on the day in the edit room and I'd be happy to edit it for you guys. So I'm going to play a few scenes if that's cool and then we can kind of like... How do you have it? What's that?

How do you have it? Oh, I got it. That's bad podcasting to like go through the whole process and explain to you how I found the file, but I have it. So just... I don't mind. This whole thing is a bad podcasting. Tell me how you got the cut.

I just googled Jake and Amir on YouTube. And then somebody leaked it online? I think so. I just went to the first thing that came up. Jake and Amir on YouTube? Yeah, I don't think that's our... Probably isn't the pilot. It looks like it.

I mean, the production value is pretty good. Here we go. No, that's a DraftKings free roll. That's an ad. All right. Okay. Here it is. This is Jake and Amir's true TV pilot.

And we'll just punch it. I already heard it the first half second. It's a Jake and Amir video. This is not the pilot. It's just like an old video of ours. Q.R.S. Yeah. That's funny.

Q.R.S. Q.R.S. Q.R.S. I don't have to watch it now. You're worrying about bad podcasting? You watching an old video? This is an awful, awful podcast. It's also you're essentially just like stealing a thing,

but they might already have a note somewhere else. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not. Like this reaction doesn't make sense to him. Okay. So what do you mean? We can't reach you.

You don't know anything about... You clearly know nothing about, I mean, anything. Anything, really. You think this is the pilot and it's not. So like your notes are invalid. What do you mean? You are invalid. Let's just...

Two more lines of dialogue. We'll punch it up. Figuring it out. No, even if you get it, I'm not going to be impressed. Oh, that's funny. I clearly have a cold. But what if he started at R? Do you have a note about that?

That's your note. I think that's pretty funny. You said the line was funny. Same joke. Whoa, just got my cousin Leroy on a zine. Did you hear everyone? I said go back to work. You said two more lines and I watched you go full.

We didn't listen to what Jake said. This character, Jake, said something about an e-zine and then Amir was like, yeah, it's this online newsletter. No, Amir said something about the e-zine. So I just... Because something about comedy is that you have to listen. You have to listen, especially in improv. I think that these characters don't listen to each other at all.

Obviously. It's sort of like about disrupting the status quo, sort of keeping the government on its toes and stuff like that. Fine, what's it called? Ooh, now you care, huh? Forget it, forget it. It's called Poodle Tartar, okay? Because he's a raw dog.

Okay, so instead of Poodle Tartar because of the raw dogging joke, maybe it's like, what could the easy be called? We can wax about it for a second, just kind of come up with something funnier. Well, we don't have to. Now you're pitching Alts on a, yeah, Jake left. Of course he left. You embarrassed him.

You shamed him to the point where he didn't want to be here anymore. It's called the shout and that's kind of funny because it's like that could be an e-zine name of a publication. Rika's gone as well. I'm usually the first to leave, so this is kind of interesting. Bad, bad title, so stupid. He only writes it on weekends that he doesn't... Can I give an editing, though?

Um, I feel like you will regard Lucif what I say. This is more color correction. Um, your background's blown out, man, right? You're absolutely blown out by the background because it's like a floor-to-ceiling window. It's not the saying that this is your fault because obviously, well, it is a little bit because if you were the EP, you should have hired a DP

who could kind of handle the lighting, right? Yeah, we did it pretty guerrilla-style, so we just... You did a television pilot guerrilla-style? Maybe that's why it wasn't picked up. Maybe that's why it wasn't picked up. That's not why it wasn't picked up. They didn't think that enough people would watch it. It wasn't worth airing because it didn't test well

with the true TV audience. They basically polled people that loved impractical jokers. And, um, yeah. The audience there thought the Jake and the Mirror pilot was a little immature. The impractical jokers audience thought that the Jake and the Mirror pilot was immature. Yeah, in a way.

I guess impractical jokers skews older, and we obviously skew you younger. And so there was a disconnect there. At the end of the day, it was a business decision. And ultimately one that we disagreed with. But, you know, people with the money make the decisions. That's sort of the way it goes in this country. So we took that L.

We rallied the troops. We sulked, drank, cried, laughed, picked ourselves up from our bootstraps, and pitched them an idea that we knew that they would love. Went right back to true TV. And they fucking bought it in the room. It was a different pilot. More reality based, yep.

And we gave them what they wanted. A fucking cheaper, easier to digest, sillier, real, informative, infotainment type show. That would pair well with Adam Ruins, everything. And we delivered on that promise. And yeah, about a few months ago, we got the, we got word. Got word that it was picked up. Not picked up.

What happened? What was the test audience? They, yeah, they, by the time we handed in that pilot, the mandate at the network had changed. They wanted something a little bigger, brighter, more flashier. Like the original ticket of your pilot. In a way. It's tough because this, yeah, business things change

and projects move slowly. And yeah, you get to a point where you just feel a little fed up, like it's hard to keep track, keep tabs. And then by the time we went to pitch another idea, the executives had either been fired, reorganized, lost in the shuffle. And you sort of have to start from scratch. But no, I'm no spring chicken.

So we started this whole process when I was 23, 22. Uh, here I am, 37. Have you had fun along the way? Have you had fun along the way? Not quite. I don't think so. It's hard work and didn't pay off. The fun would be making the show, which we didn't get to.

Did you get, I mean, you don't, I can cut this out if it's like a sad answer, but don't. Yeah, it's fine. You can at least for the pilot, for your work at the pilot. We left every dollar on the screen. So we wanted to deliver the best product. So editors were paid over time out of my fee to make sure that we got the best chance at a pickup order.

Fool me twice. Shame on true, I guess, right? Nice. Yeah. So, um, if you're listening to this, uh, anybody, if you have a higher up at Turner, we have to wrap up actually, we have to wrap up. Thank you guys so much for listening to this week's episode

Sorry, let me finish. Let me do the outro because I'm the host. Maybe this is why true TV didn't pick up the shows. Yeah, I was a bummer in the room. Yeah, I was, yeah, I was kind of, I was, yeah, I was like kind of scared on the day. So like when they were making the decision, they, yeah, they realized they didn't want to do work.

You have to end up working with this person and why would you ever want to like sign up to deal with me for five seasons in a movie? So they came in with their like finished, their answer in an envelope, and then they were like about to present it to you. You were a little bit of a dickling in the room. And then they were like, you know what?

And then they kind of tossed the letter, which probably said yes. And they were like, we are not picking up the show. Yeah. There was a letter and they did toss it right before making their verbal decision. Which was no. And one of the guys said yes and the other guy said no.

And then they sort of shot glances at each other. And the guy's like, I guess no. I guess no. So I guess no. We'll see you guys again next week. Thanks so much for listening to the show. Be sure to listen to review, review, lackluster video, newcomer season two, uh, if I were you,

Bucket, Snadpod, et cetera, et cetera. Hell yeah, podcasts. What's that? Do you want to say it? Do you want to say it? Just say it. Just say goodbye. We'll see you next week or something.

True. Can't cancel my podcast because I own it. So the joke's on them. I didn't want to bring it up in the middle of the show, but I did get CC'd on an email. It's what it was about what it says. Let me just pull it out. It says you're canceled, fucker.

So the subject line, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. They must have sent it like in a fit of anger and probably rightfully so, but it says if I were you, for true TV is not considered non-consideration. And then in the body of the email, it says you're canceled, fucker. And I just checked. Yeah, I'm on art 19.

If I were you was gone, the backlog is deleted. Damn, Daniel. That was a hit gum original.