If I Were You - English Premier League Podcast (w/Rahul Kohli!)

Episode Date: January 11, 2019

The pilot episode of our newest series about EPL Football! Our first guest is actor and Liverpool fanatic Rahul Kohli--He is in the studio answering our questions about British Football and his favorite team. Episode 2 is online as well over at Patreon.com/JA. Enjoy!The hunt to find our new favorite team... is on.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. All right, kind of a new episode today. This is not just in If I Were You. This is big. This is the beginning of a new podcast mini-series, potentially called a subcast. It might be a Maxi-series. I don't know how into this we're going to get. Man, this might be the main cast.

It'll be a new show that'll run parallel alongside If I Were You. This first episode is going to be released right here, just on our natural If I Were You feed. Main feed. And then after that, we're going to head to patreon.com.jp and the rest of the episodes will be there. Correct. The show is, of course, me and you diving headfirst into the magical world of English

Premier League. Football. Football. Not soccer. Not soccer. You will never hear us call it soccer on that fucking podcast. Actually, we accidentally call it soccer a lot. All the time.

We've been brainwashed. 30 plus years of living in America will do that to you. We are sorry in advance. But we're trying. We're trying to learn. We're talking to our friends. We're talking to other fans. We want to become English Premier League fans.

We love football from the World Cup and we want to try to dive headfirst into club soccer and this is our attempt to do so. Yeah. I've talked about this on the show before, how we wanted to get into football. We do. I really, like I had never heard from so many people. So many folks slid into my DMs and I want you all to know that I heard you and that I read the messages and that I told Amir that we should definitely do it and here we are.

So thank you for your passion. So our first guest, this pilot show is Rahul Kohli, super funny, huge Liverpool fan. He's going to be answering a bunch of questions we have about the EPL and about his favorite team and he's going to try to sell us on Liverpool. That's right. But it doesn't stop there. We're going to be talking to as many people as possible, trying to get as many opinions as possible as to who we should root for.

For instance, if you finished this episode with Rahul and you like it enough to check out the second episode, which we did with Chris Smith, that's in our Patreon feed right now. So there are two of these podcasts out now. That's right. The first episode here and first and second episode on Patreon.com slash JA. He's more of a Chelsea fan. I don't know.

Everyone makes a good point. We want you guys to chime in as well. Let us know who you think we should root for. Leave a comment, leave a comment, tweet at us, slide into our DMs. We are for sale right now. That's right. And if you are interested in this podcast and that makes you go to our Patreon, then good news, you get all of the other shit that's already on the Patreon.

Yeah. We're not creating a new tier just for this show. We want very egalitarian. For the 4.99, you're getting the bonus if I were you. You're getting the Jake and Amir watch videos, including the back catalog that you might have missed out on. And then starting today, new episodes of this show. So check it out.

Let us know what you think. Slide into every DM possible, leave a comment in the Patreon and we hope you enjoy this soccer podcast. Let's get started later. All right. Welcome to this currently unnamed podcast idea right now. Yeah. We started very haphazardly.

Yeah. This was an idea that we sort of wanted to get serious about 90 minutes ago. Yeah. Tweeted about football slash soccer said, does anybody here know any fans and comedy of football? A lady whose name I should probably pull up right now suggested Rahul. I'm like, yes, he is a fan of football slash soccer. Texted you.

I thought you were going to say he is funny, but you just went for the, I don't know what soccer is. Anybody can be funny, but you're funny and a football slash. I feel, we should just decide right now soccer football. There's no decision to make. There's no decision to make. Football. You're not saying soccer while I'm sitting.

I won't call it football, but I think it feels wrong, doesn't it? I don't know. I think I actually, I like football. Okay. This is good. I get to forget the name of a whole entire sport. Is that because it's easier for you to, like with football being the fact that we sort of kick it for 90 minutes.

Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Kick it for 90. Kick it could be the, all right, we're going to talk about names of the show, but kick it's a great one. We'll pitch this stuff later, but the lady is Kathleen. Kathleen Awesome is the one who suggested Rahul two hours later. We're talking to you about football.

She ruined my brunch plans. The idea was Jake and I are sports fans in general. We love soccer, world cup soccer. Football. Fuck. Dude. Dude. We're already out of top to a bad foot.

People are, people are unsubscribing from this podcast. Uh, so we're like, let's, let's, uh, document this journey where we decide which EPL, do you say EPL? Did you say Premier League? I did. I abbreviated the English Premier League. Okay. The English Premier League, uh, which squad, club, team, squad, club, which club, let's

go soccer. Let's go squad. Let's go soccer squad. All right. This episode's called squad goals. Uh, okay. Which Premier League team, club, squad we end up rooting for. Our fandom is for sale right now.

Okay. We want to become fans. Do you want me to pitch my, my club? Pitch, which is another pun because that's the name of the soccer field, aka the football pitch. That's right. Yeah. Is that real?

Wow. So we're learning a little bit. And then in, in so doing, we learn about the EPL in general. So why don't we start with our general questions? Cause you know, we see it from afar and I know some things, but you can clarify others. True or false. There is no playoffs. Uh, no, not really.

So the, the end of the regular season, whoever's the number one team just wins. Yeah. It's just, it's just points based. Yeah. So you, in the, in the EPL, you have 20 teams and, um, they will play each other twice. Okay. So every, yeah. So every club will play 38 games, one's home and one's away.

It's so simple. All right. That's great. So a win gets you three points, a draw gets you one point and a loss leaves you with no points. Penalty kicks. That's something completely different. Overtime.

That again, more, more different stuff there. So regulation, 90 minutes, it's over. If it's a tie, it's a draw. There will always be added time. So added time is for, so it's for stoppages. So if you had an injury or substitutions are taking too long, they had that in the World Cup. Yeah.

They will add on. It's usually averages probably about two to three minutes, probably about three minutes. But there's no 15 minute overtime period. No, because there's no, not for the league, that will always just be regulation, 90 minutes plus added time. Okay. And that's it. So as you can end in a draw, the only reason you would ever have extra time and penalties

is when you can only have a winner kind of out of that game, whereas you're allowed to draw in the, in the, in the Premier League. Right. If it's like a tournament where you need a winner, you go to penalty kicks, but if, but this regular season, this EPL that doesn't have a playoffs, it's just 3.1 point total points at the end of the season, whoever has the most wins. So there will be a time where like, there's three games left in the season, but this team is so far ahead for now three weeks.

People are playing meaningless football games. Pretty much. Yeah. So you can, you can win some, some teams have won almost like, I think, don't quote me on that. Like 10 weeks early. I mean, you can mathematically do it. Wow.

If you're like 30 and one, that doesn't sound very American. Yeah. Well, if you, yeah, I mean, if you, yeah, they, they, they will actually do that. But they'll, they'll be a game usually it'll, one of the big boys will, will just steamroll through the season. And then they'll be like, all right, well, they've mathematically won now, but we also have relegations. Right.

So that's what I wanted to ask you about too. What tell me about relegations. So every year, three teams will be relegated to the lower division. The bottom three teams. Yeah. It's like the minor leagues. Uh, sort of, I guess. Are there 40 teams down there too?

Not 40. There's, oh shit. Okay. Now I'm being on this. So you've got the minors until your team is there. So you've got, so yeah. So you've got the Premier League and then you've got, uh, the championship. Right.

And that's its own. And there are, there's more than 20 teams, I believe, in the championship. And then you've got division one, uh, two, one, two, it just keeps going as you go down. But the Premier League is the, is the top spot. So do the, do the bottom three teams of. Get promoted. Oh, the top three teams in the lower league get promoted and they go up and three go down. And what about the bottom three teams in that league?

Do they get lower? Yeah. They can go all the way down to the dark black pit of the world. Absolutely. The last three teams just play bowling. They don't play soccer. It's red. You're so bad you can't play football.

You don't get to play this sport anymore. You become a mailman now. Cardiff City. Uh, has your favorite team ever been relegated? Like what is that like for a season? Not in my lifetime. Okay. That's such an exciting.

So are the big boys like top five all the, like, tell me who are the big boys. So right now you'd say it's probably the top six. So Manchester City, Liverpool, Tottenham, Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United. Those are the ones he's heard of. Like those sound familiar. Yeah. I feel like right off the bat, we're going to choose one of the big boys. We're not going to.

You are. Yeah. Hutterford. What is the. Huddersfield. Some of these names are like, I've never heard of. There's a city named Crystal Palace. There's a team named that.

Crystal Palace is a team in London. That's a really cool name. They're my favorite. They're never Casino or something. Well, it's, you know, like you've got Arsenal, right? Yeah. Well, they're London. So London just has like six teams.

Yeah. They've got a few. Yeah. They've got Watford, Arsenal. Okay. Here we go. West Ham, Arsenal, Chelsea, Tottenham Palace. And they're all.

Fulham. There's a few. So let me ask you this. Do they have mascots like in basketball or football? It's like the Eagles, the Bears. So does anyone call Arsenal? It's like, oh, I don't say that. I say they're the, what are they?

Well, they have, everyone has like a nickname. So the Arsenal fans would be called the Gunners. Okay. Or the team would be called the Gunners. Because they're, I'm going to get so, my own people are going to be very upset with my lack of knowledge here. But Arsenal's badge has a cannon on it, a gun. Got it.

Which wouldn't fly in America. The bullets had to change their name to the wizards. Like it, Gunners forget about it. And we're, that wouldn't fly in America. That's right. We have the Redskins. Yeah. Redskins.

The bullets, the bullets isn't racist enough for us. What do you have in an ethnic slur about Indians? But, yeah. So they, so everyone has this like, like nickname type thing. Yeah. Liverpool fans. Well, actually we get that. It looks like you have, you're wearing a Liverpool sweatshirt right now.

I am. Yeah. That looks like a dragon or a griffin. A phoenix of sorts. It's a bird. It's a live a bird. Live a bird. Live a bird.

Which is the national, it's this Liverpool city symbol. Got it. What kind of bird is a live a bird? Is it a bird of prey? I have no idea. Is it fictional? You guys are making me look really fucking bad right now. It's just going to be hard to get me to root for a team that has a bird.

You got birds in it, falcons and... Yeah, falcons, eagles. Eagles. Yeah, hawks. Those are birds of prey. The hawks. Yeah, the hawks. Is there, there is no, I mean you got like a rooster or a cock or something.

They're like the San Diego chickens. There is South Carolina Gamecocks, right? I know the Gamecocks. Here's another question for you. Players not getting traded but getting purchased. What's that about? Okay, so yeah, it's an open market basically. So every...

Okay, so in basketball, a player has a contract. Yeah. Steph Curry, five year deal, 180 million. So if you want him, you got to trade for him or he becomes a free agent at the end of that five years and you pay him his money. How does it work in the EPL? So you guys, so trading, so how does the trade work just real quick? Let's say the Warriors wanted to trade Steph Curry.

They try to get players of equal value back for him. Okay. And they have to like the money that he makes has to match up. But they never actually, they're not paying out any money to buy him. Correct. That doesn't exist. What is that? The buying of the player.

So what would happen is, is say you were, you know, the head of Liverpool or whatever, right? And you wanted Messi. Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi. What team? You said Lionel Messi. I've been told I look like him.

Lionel. So there's that much. You are Lionel Messi. Yeah. There's a little bit of Messi. Yeah. For sure. What team does he play for?

He plays for FC Barcelona. Not even this league. He's not. No, he's in La Liga. Could you buy it? Yeah. You can buy it from anywhere in the world. Okay.

So what is that? Okay. Let's say Liverpool wants him. What do they do? So what we have to do is... That's like the NHL buying Steph Curry. Like, all right. You don't change team, but you also change.

You're going to be in a different league. It's like buying a European player, drafting them. You've got two windows of opportunity. There are two transfer windows in a given season. Okay. So it's before the season starts. Uh-huh. You've got, I think they reduced it this year in the Premier League, but you usually have

between July and then the end of August, I believe, is when the transfer window shuts. Okay. So you can do your business, and then it reopens for one month at the beginning of Jan, and then it ends at 31st of Jan. So right now, currently, the transfer window's open. So say Liverpool wanted to buy Lionel Messi. Okay. What they would do is...

It's to do with his contract, too. So he would have signed... He's probably... I think he signed a new deal, so he's going to pledge his entire career there. So they will set... He may have a buyout clause in his contract. So they might say that his buyout clause right now is €500 million. So who gets that half a billion euros?

The club. You've got to buy his contract out, because that's a buyout clause. And then you have to pay the player. Then the wages are a completely different thing. So just trying to get, just to buy him, one, the club can decline at any time, particularly if the player's in contract. But so they can buy him, and then Lionel Messi could just be like, well, you're going to have to pay me a lot of money because I don't want to play.

Yeah. You would have to negotiate. So you can buy a player and then also not get them to play for you. Or is that all? You wouldn't buy it. A player can be sent against their will, because once you buy him, you buy him, right? So let's say Liverpool does. Okay, half a billion, that's worth it.

Okay, so what we've done there is, all we've done is we've triggered his buyout clause. Okay. I'm just assuming that that's what he has in his contract, because he may have had, it has a contract where there is no buyout clause, there is no set amount to how you can trigger negotiations. Got it. It could be completely open-ended. Wow.

Maybe after a week ago, hey, 500 million for Messi and they're going now fuck off. Wow. Six, seven, eight. It can just keep going at that point. What's the highest buyout that's ever happened? I have no idea. But I know that I think Neymar went for the most money so far. I think he's the highest.

Yeah, what was he? Is he in the EPL? No, he's currently in the French League. So who's the best player in the EPL? In the EPL? Yeah. Right now? Yeah.

That comes from, that's bias though now that you're going to get. Yeah. Because it's hard to look at. I'd say there's a couple at City. There's Silva, Kevin De Bruyne. Oh yeah, I know. I'm from Belgium, right? Yeah, from Belgium.

Yeah, Kevin De Bruyne. World cup. World cup. He's good. We currently probably have the best centre-back defender in the world. Most? No, Virgil van Dijk. Why do I not know that guy?

Where's he from? Did he play in the World Cup? He's from Holland. He did. Holland even didn't work. I sure hope so. Oh, they did not. They were.

That was a big deal. Yeah, you wouldn't have seen him. They were. Wait, just to go back a second. I pay him half a billion dollars. That's the buyout. That means his contract is void and now I have to negotiate with Messi. Now you have to negotiate.

Yeah, so that's the set fee that the club said. If you want to talk, that's how much you have to pay. So you've kind of already just paid that. So that's now you talk to Messi. And then you also have a billion to get him in the room. This is like the difference between you and I. Like, you care about the money and the contracts? Yeah, I'm curious.

You don't want to talk about the players? I don't know about that. I want to know who the hottest goalie is. Oh, Alison Becker. Google here. Alison Becker, 100%. I want you to Google him. He plays for Liverpool and he may pass a resemblance to someone.

I don't know. Maybe. Let me see this guy. Alison Becker. Isn't that also the name of a comedian? It is. Alison Becker. That guy's got, oh, look at his hair.

Alison Becker. He's got that kind of like dark hair, dark beard, kind of six foot four. Oh, yeah. I see why you're so taken with it. He looks white, I should say. He's from Brazil. I can just ask you about the players that I know from the World Cup and ask where they play. What about Harry Kane?

Harry Kane plays for Tottenham. Tottenham? Tottenham Hot Spurs. Are they good? London Club. Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. Not much.

What about Mbappe? Killing Mbappe plays for Paris Saint-Germain. Different league. Different league. League or French League. But then these teams sometimes play each other, right? And now that's the Champions League. Oh my God.

This is a fucking mess. We've got to find a way to make this concise. The EPL, we know the top. The EPL is easy. 20. You're looking for a Premier League team, right? Yes. But the team with the best record wins the EPL.

Is that like a big, I mean, that must be a big deal. It's huge. I mean, but only people in England would really care. So here's the weird thing. Champions League. This is why it's very un-American because America created the Super Bowl. They can sell commercials. They can make a big deal out of it.

They own it. They can monetize it. With the EPL, you don't know when the Super Bowl is going to happen. It could be a random Thursday at 4.30 a.m. The team clinches the best record and they're celebrating like they won the championship. And you don't know if that's going to be on March 3rd or April 15th. That is, okay. Yeah.

That's a fair point. I mean, the day the club lifts the trophy, for instance, or wins, wins the league. Yeah. It is random. It can happen on the final day. Do they get the trophy that day? It depends. It's mathematically impossible for anybody but you to win.

Here's the trophy. I think what they'll do is they'll either, they could win, say they win, but their win is dependent on someone else's loss that was playing at the same time. Yeah. They could lose and then somebody else loses and then they get, they lost, but they win the world the championship that day. They could in theory. Yeah.

Are they celebrating as though they won? You could, you could draw, I guess. And then start celebrating. And the other team could, and then we haven't even got to gold difference yet. Oh my God. Like in, I'm just like comparing this to American football where like your team could basically be at 500, you know, like five and five, but you're not mathematically you could still win the Super Bowl.

You know, like you just got to get lucky at the right time. Your team could kind of suck and go all the way into the playoffs. No. Yeah. No, that's not going to happen with the Premier League. You need to be super consistent. And as a fan, are you invested in every single game? Like what if, if I chose.

Yeah. Right now I am. The margins are so thin right now. So what if your team is just consistently like 15 and 15 or whatever the. You're not even close. Yeah. Like do you watch the final weeks? Do you care?

I guess you do. I mean, it depends if you're a mid-table team. I mean, the support and the passion will always drive you through and the feeling of a win is always good anyway, right? Right. Regardless of whether you're competing or not. But there's not just that. So fucking out.

Okay. Are you ready for this? So top place, you win the trophy, right? You win the Premier League. Yep. But if you finish in the top four, so two, three and four. So right now it's Liverpool, Man City, Tottenham and Chelsea. That's right.

So right now those four have a spot in next year's Champions League tournament. Which is like the best of the best. Best of the best. So four best in Italy, four best of this, four best of that. I think the amount changes depending on the league. Not everyone gets four complete entries. So that Champions League is with the French. Yes.

You'll get Liga. FC Barcelona versus Man City. And the United States. Absolutely. Are they in there? They are not. The LA Galaxy doesn't play? They're not.

It's only UEFA, so it's only the European teams. So the Seattle Sounders are not going to be playing Bonermouth, for example? No, they will not. When does that start? So that plays at the exact same time as the leagues are going on. So you're going to play midweek. So if you're good, you're actually getting hammered. Because we will play a game where we might play City, Manchester City,

who are one of the best teams in the world. We might have them on Saturday. And then on Tuesday or Wednesday, we may play Barcelona. So they're going out at the same time? No. I veto that. That's insane. But once for the Premier League and then once for the Champions League.

All right, so for the Champions League, how do you win the Champions League? That's absurd. So the Champions League is different. So the Champions League is a pot and they mix up the teams, right? So you're in these tiny little leagues made up of four teams. And the top two from each of those many leagues will go into a knockout tournament. So it becomes you'll get to the final 16. So that one's like a little World Cup action.

It's exactly like that. And that happens every year? Every year. So what's considered better? Would you rather Liverpool be the number one English Premier League team or would you rather than win the Champions? Okay. So the Champions League, we are currently, we've won the Champions League or the European Cup because it's changed names over time. But Liverpool currently have won it the most times of any team in the English Premier League.

That's great. We have it for five. Five. Yeah. And we made it to the finals last year where we lost. Two. Real Madrid. They most saw us one of is our best player.

Sergio Ramos dislocated his shoulder and took him off the pitch in 30 minutes. Sounds like you're over it anyway. So what's a bigger deal? Winning the Champions League? I think it depends on the team because Liverpool, the problem with Liverpool because I'm going to pitch you my team because I want you to be Liverpool fans. The problem with Liverpool is they haven't actually won the league in 28 or 29 years. Wow. It's a bogey.

Wow. All right. So even though they have the best record in the Champions League? Yeah. But they did most of their good work in the 70s and 80s. So Liverpool were the juggernauts of football before I was born. Won everything. And by the way, so another thing, it never used to be the Premier League.

Premier League only started in the 90s. What the hell? It was just the first division. It was just called League One, I guess. How many teams were in there? I have no idea. I assume it's similar to what we have. It just became its own thing.

Interesting. All right. So Liverpool haven't won since it turned into the Premier League. So people hold that over us. But if you take what that cup is and what it represented for all the years, we've won it 18 times. When it was a different league? Yeah. That's kind of like football.

There was like before the NFC and the AFC created the NFL. There was like a football league before. Yeah. So your records still count to a certain degree. So they still were the winners of the top league in England. It just wasn't the Premier League. I like a team with a chip on their shoulder. That's kind of nice.

We absolutely have a chip on our shoulder. All right. Because Man United, who are city rivals, now they're the deep hatred between Liverpool and Manchester. Like, fights, riots, that kind of thing. Why is that? I think it's to do with, I don't know, obviously I'm from London, which upsets people that I support a team that's not from my city. But it's to do with, I think it's to do with the docs and employment.

There's a whole load of things going on with that. But they also became rivals because Liverpool are on top. And so there's this big city rivalry between Manchester and Liverpool. And then when Liverpool stopped winning, Manchester United had Sir Alex Ferguson, probably the greatest football manager ever, and he won it. Sir Alex Ferguson. That's like Bill Belichick. It sounds so much cooler.

Is he mean? Just like Billichick? Wait, how many times did they win? They are up to, so if we're 18, they're 20. 20 times. On top of the EPS. So Manchester United, I think, is the Yankees. Do they spend the most money too?

They haven't in recent years, I think. There's been an influx of, there's been, so Manchester City, different team. They had Arab owners come in and just throw in like billion. So now they're just like, they just buy who they want. Chelsea had it way back when with Abramovich, he was a Russian oil guy. You need the billionaires. You do, you need that investment. Let me ask you this.

Oh, sorry, you're going to go. Yeah, I've got, I'm very, I'm enthralled. I'm trying so hard to make this interesting. We're just throwing questions at you. I've got some geography questions for you. I don't know the exact opposite. Where is Liverpool? I truly, like, I have no idea where anything is.

So when you say there's city rivals, are Liverpool and Manchester, like, in the same part of the country? Well, firstly, England's small, right? Yeah. London being south. Where's Huddlesfield? Where is Bonermouth? I'm serious. You're actually going to have to Google some of this stuff, because even I don't know where Huddlesfield is.

I'm not great on geography, but you know where London is, right on a map. Yes. Okay. So, and you know where Wales is? No. No. Okay. So London is what?

Southeast. Right. Right. And then Wales is there, which is the furthest side. The opposite side. Yeah, it's the opposite side for way out west. Liverpool is like northwest. Got it.

So it's above Wales, I think, and it's about a three to four-hour drive from London. So it's actually not, if you think about it, it's the same drive to Vegas, except have you heard the accent change? No. Let's hear it. I can't do it. You'd have to type in Liverpool accent. It's the Beatles. It's the Beatles.

But even theirs isn't as strong as what, like, a player like our legend Stephen Gerrard's is. You probably wouldn't understand him. Really? So that's a four-hour drive. If you go just an hour, have you watched Peaky Blinders? No, I've seen the pilot episode. So you heard that accent, right? Yeah, I guess I did.

Let's hear that one. Again, can't do it. Okay. But that's only an hour and a half drive from London, and the accent completely changes. An hour and a half. Are you like, I mean, you're a Liverpool fan, even though you're born in London, but for the most part are people born into their fandom. Yeah, they usually do.

Because you're born in Huddersfield, are you? Yeah, more than likely. The reason, I think, people like clubs like Manchester United and Liverpool tend to have supporters all around the UK is just because there's a lot to do with immigration as well. A lot of immigrants, when they move, don't really have an attachment to their city. So I know a lot of Indian people, when they immigrated to the UK, Liverpool are on top. So they just like... You just like that team, right?

Yeah. But the UK is almost your... That's like your new home, the whole entire... Yeah, and I mean, you don't fucking know. Who's winning right now? It's not like Civic Pride quite yet. Exactly. It's like everybody was a Bulls fan in the 90s, because Michael Jordan was there.

I am a Bulls fan. There we go. Okay, salary cap question. Yeah. Is there a hard cap, or can you spend as much money as you want? I think you can spend as much. There's no limit. There is a rule now.

Fair play rules, fair spending rule, which is you can't spend above your... It's not really enforced. Kind of, yeah, you have to... You can't just overspend, but it's not really enforced. It's just fiscal responsibility. Just a general rule. Yeah, what's your income? What's your in-going, out-going...

Don't debt yourself. But it doesn't really... I don't think it's monitored properly. All right. Sexy soccer player question. Yes, I can do that now. Who's the most jacked player? Jacked?

Yeah. I know who's got the best legs. Oh. You want to see the best calves? Yeah. Who's got the best calves? Shaqiri. Oh, I know Shaqiri.

I know Shaqiri. K-I-R-K-I-R. Oh, this is the short dude. Yeah. Look at his calves. He's so short. Cavs. What team is he on?

Is he French? Liverpool? Oh, Liverpool? No, but... Oh, he's Swiss up. Oh, Swiss. I think he's Swiss. Yeah.

Cavs. So, he's got the best calves. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. He's... his calves look like arms.

Oh, my God. They're ridiculous. So, what can you do with that on a soccer field? I think you'd sprint. I feel like you could do short bursts of just power, right? Look at his thick legs. That looks like my torso. Jesus Christ, it's so bulbous.

It's ridiculous. And he's... you think it's because he's short. I asked him fucking good questions on his pockets. I think he works on them. I don't know if that's just the way he is. You've got to do something to get that. Yeah. Calf raises forever until you die.

Yeah. He's just constantly doing calf raises. And then on the other side... A lot of dudes can get implants though, right? Because you can't... That's really hard to work out. I know a lot of jacked personal trainers who are really upset by their calves.

Yeah, that one is like natural more than anything else. Like you either have thicker legs or skinnier legs. Like your penis. And you can't... yeah, like my... Or someone's. One's penis could be. Who's got the biggest dick in the EPL? That's a great question.

Yeah, does anybody's dick ever flop out of... It's come out. Really? Who's dick come out? Someone's dick famously flopped out. Manchester United, Gary... Paul Sculls, type in Paul Sculls penis. How do you type that last thing?

So Paul and then S-C-O-H-L-E-S, I think Sculls on... Paul Sculls? Paul Sculls? Penis is not a bad name for this one. I think, yeah. Who's penis came out? Football players photograph with their penis out or erect. I didn't ask for it to be erect.

Wow. Oh, under their shorts. Yeah, there's a whole, like, message board. There's a dark web for it. I think it was Paul Sculls. I think his penis came out. Yeah, that awkward moment when your dick is the tweet. And then, there's no photo attached.

There should be. I'll dig around. Yeah, just google images. Yeah, images, dude. Turn off the safe search. But you had to turn it off to Persia Curious Cabs. They're that dangerously hot. Okay, let's now get to you selling us on Liverpool

or perhaps throwing some other squads under the bus. I'm not going to throw another squad at you. No, no, under the bus. Like, do not choose. So, if you had to choose one, two. So, let's say, even if we don't choose Liverpool, just tell us one team that you would really, really hate for us to choose.

United, Manchester United. And what's, tell me, because you're talking to a Yankee and a Laker fan. So, like, anything's in play for us. Yankee and a Lakers fan. Yeah. What do you guys think of the Boston Red Sox? I hate the Red Sox.

Oh, this isn't good. Fenway Sports Group. Bad, Boston bad for both of us. They own Liverpool. Ooh. Whoa. Tough start. Yeah.

But that's kind of interesting. There's like an American connection there. Don't Fenway own LeBron James or Manicham or something? Not that I know of, but maybe there's some sort. Sure, there's a connection between Fenway and, because LeBron is a major shareholder in Liverpool. Oh, okay. Now I'm back in.

I'm playing dirty. Now I'm back in. So, have you seen LeBron Liverpool? There's pictures in wearing the shirt. He tweets about it. He Instagrams about it. Yeah. There is some connection.

Owns a piece of the team? Let's see. Yeah, he's a major shareholder. I think he's a major shareholder. LeBron Liverpool connection. That's a good selling point. Yeah. His investment in Liverpool.

We also are sponsored by Dunkin Donuts. Come on. Ooh. That is a Fenway. It is a Fenway. Right? Very, very much. Okay.

So, Manchester United is the don't. That would be my bogey team. Yeah. That would be my don't team. But you know what? United, as much as I, I've got a bigger problem with Manchester City. Let's hear that. Why?

Because they're like, they're like a team in Madden or FIFA and someone's turned on some sort of fucking cheat code for unlimited spending. Oh, so they just, that's the Yankees. That's what they say. Oh, that's what the Yankees are. There's no salary cap in baseball. They're like, all right, if there's a pretty good player, we'll give them $300 million. Yeah.

But what's happening is, is that they are, why, why you should watch this year and why I think Liverpool are a great example is because we have spent money. I mean, we went out and, and spent like, what was it? $75 million on Virgil van Dijk, which was the most money ever spent for a defender. For one year? No, no, no, no, no. We signed him for like a five year deal. Five or seven.

That was just, that's not his wage. That's just what we played, paid the club to get him. That's this buyout thing. Yeah. Oh yeah. That was their, either his transfer fee or we triggered his buyout clause. I think that was just his transfer fee. So 75 mil.

That's what they said. So they would come back to us and say, he's not leaving this club for less than this. And then Liverpool said, sure, let's do it. And then you have to pay him how much? Then you have to pay him his weekly wage. Weekly? Yeah. And you don't know what the week, so the number that everyone talks about.

You can type in van Dijk, V-A-N space, D-Y-K-E type in wage. And I think he's probably at, maybe he's less than 200,000 pounds. You get a weekly salary? Yeah. It's funny because everyone talks about the big figure, the buyout figure, but they don't really know about the contract amount. And in American sports, it's like the opposite, everyone knows about the contract amount. But you don't know what OEC.

There's no buyout number. Because you want to know how rich your favorite player is. Yes, exactly. So 75 million pound figure makes van Dijk the most expensive defender of all time. Liverpool has additionally handed van Dijk a handsome 180,000 pound or 250,000 per week salary. Quarter million a week. Yeah.

That's cool. Yeah. So you probably would have, you would have also had to have paid him a signing fee. In addition. Yeah. It's 250K a week. Is that through the season or like the whole year? That will just be, yeah, that's his wage.

Does he get a wage playing in the championship league too? I believe it's, I feel like it's all inclusive. Yeah. Your money doesn't go up. Like you, all right. So you're playing one game a week. They'll get bonuses. I'm sure they get bonuses.

Yeah. I'm sure he'll get a bonus and he'll be on a, on a. I just, I'd hate for him to struggle for anything. That's really sweet of you, Matt. Yeah. I want him to make sure that he's getting paid in the off season. But yeah. So there's, but there's bonuses as well.

Like he, if he keeps a clean sheet, which is, you know, they, no one, we don't concede a goal throughout the game. I'm sure he gets a bonus, maybe a 10 grand. That's a clean sheet. He'll get something. Do you have a favorite player? Currently. Yeah.

Probably Virgil van Dijk. So since he's come in. The problem with Liverpool is firstly, we have probably the best manager, most charismatic guy you'll ever meet. What's his name? His name's Jürgen Klopp. And he's from Germany. Yep.

He's from the, from the Bundesliga. And he came in three years ago because Liverpool been struggling and what he's done to that squad without doing the man city way of spending half a billion or whatever. He's just got them playing probably the most interesting attacking football right now. I'm getting Greg Popovich vibes from him. If you know who that is, he's the Spurs basketball coach. They don't have the best team, but like they never miss the playoffs cause pop is like the king.

He's like the most intelligent strategy guy who gets the most out of his players without necessarily spending. We've got a few, I think like we're not, they're not, he's up there with like, I'd say right now, he's probably in the top three in the managers in the EPL. Pep Guardiola, who's Manchester City's manager. Pocicino, who's Tottenham's manager and Klopp, who's our manager. They're probably the three best, but ours has the most personality and people just love him.

What is, what are Liverpool's colors? We're red. Red? Just straight up red. Straight red. Just red. Yeah. I feel like every other sport in the world is two colors, right?

Well, the red socks are just red. They're red and blue. We, so Arsenal are red and white. Okay. Red and white. Red and white. Manchester United are red and black. Okay.

All red, black and white. The red and black. The yellow is just straight up red. The yellow is straight red, always. So the shorts and the shirt will always be red. Do you have a song? We do have a song. We have a very famous song.

Let's hear it. It's, it's You'll Never Walk Alone by Jerry and the Pacemakers. Sorry, you just took another real famous song and made it your song, or they wrote it for Liverpool. We took a famous song and made it our song. Yeah. It was, I believe it was the most famous Liverpool manager ever who took them from nothing team to like a top, top, top side way back when Bill Shankly, he's the most revered manager

of our club's history. I guess he's like the Vince Lombardi of the Pacemakers. Got it. Got it. Yeah, the most famous coach of all time, Bill. His favorite song was You'll Never Walk Alone and that became the team's anthem. What about like a chant or a cheer? Yeah, there's a few.

We got, we got one for Mo Sala. Like when he scores or when he like gets introduced? Just during the game. Just like it breaks out. And it's always to, yeah. And it will always be to a pop culture song. So Mo Sala's one is the same theme as that song. Oh, sit down.

Oh, sit down. Oh, sit down. Sit down next to me. That song. Sure. You heard it? Yeah. Yeah.

Sit down next to me. So the Mo Sala song is Mo Sala, Mo Sala, Mo Sala running down the wing. Sala, Egyptian king. So that's Mo Sala's song. Who comes up with the songs? I think he's like, I don't know. I just feel like he comes up in a chapter. He's just like, these guys are fucking idiots.

This has said one true thing since he got here. A weekly wage. I think it's, I saw it on, I joined like the Liverpool official club, like official reddit or whatever. And there someone submits lyrics answers to this anthem. And I don't know. I still don't know the internet. How does it become the real, Mo Sala goes on ball.

They just, they just, it just happens. And then you hear it like, it feels like, I don't know. I actually would love to know. Cause there's this synchronicity where it's agreed upon by the fans. And then it's just done in unison at one point. And everyone's like, oh shit. So like Steven Gerrard had one, which is a great one. He's my favorite player of all time.

And his was, and you'll just hear this. He'll go Steve Gerrard Gerrard. He'll pass the ball 40 yards. He's big and he's fucking hard. Steve Gerrard Gerrard. And they'll just repeat that. So little kids and girls are singing fucking hard. He's fucking hard.

It's like this weird, weird Al element of Yusra. Yeah. And we were so close. This breaks my heart. I should note cause people will comment about that. I didn't mention this. So we were very, very, very close to winning the Premier League in 2014. We're, it's happening again right now.

We could win, but in 2014 we were going to win. And Steven Gerrard, who is our best player who lifted the Champions League for us. He, we beat Man City. And during that game, we were so close. We were points away, right? Just keep it, keep going. Just keep winning, don't lose. Three games left.

Right. And we were a top. And he grabbed the group together after we, we snatched a win. And he screamed at the players and he said, this does not fucking slip. And this is a famous sound bite from him in a huddle. And this really upsets me. You're crying. The next game we're playing Chelsea.

I think it was the next game. And the defender passes it to Steven Gerrard's. And we have to win this game or at least draw. We have to keep, keep, keep going. And as he passes it, Steven Gerrard, he slips on the floor. And Denver Bar picks the ball up, the opposition player and goes and scores. And we, we lose. So he's literally slipped.

He literally slipped. So, so, so now they sing Steve Gerrard Gerrard. He slipped on his fucking ass and they changed the lyrics. Wow. Wherever we go, they'll keep chanting that. And anytime I tweet about Liverpool, someone tweets me a gif of him slipping. You could type it in and say Gerrard slip. It's bad.

And it breaks my, it's my favorite player of all time. Is he still playing? No. He's a manager now. He never got to lift the one trophy that he so badly wanted. Yeah. I can't watch it. Don't even turn that around.

By the way, Denver Bar would also be good for K-Sara-Sara. That's true. And so would Mosola. The best, the best song ever in football are their brothers. One is, his name is Yaya Tore. And the other brother is Colo Tore. And they have the best chant ever in football. Let's hear it.

It's just Yaya, Yaya, Yaya, Yaya, Yaya, Yaya. It's Yaya Tore. Colo, Colo, Colo. Because they used to play on the same team as well. And that's it. And it just goes over and over and over again. Is that a British thing specifically the song or do other countries do? I think other countries do it.

So like, are there like ancient ones too? Right? They have been around that long. Yeah, there are. I mean, you'll never walk alone. It's been all right. They'll sing that. Every time we enter, we go on the pitch.

And then also the club, the fans will sing it at various points. Every club has a song? Even Bonermouth? Bournemouth. I've been waiting to wondering what the fuck is Bonermouth? I'm like, yeah, Bournemouth. Right over here. Number 12, Bonermouth.

Bournemouth. That took me way too long to go. What the fuck is he talking about? Most clubs have a song or a Manchester United's one. I think the most common one is they sing a song called Champion A or something. It's about being champions. You're so dismissive of the other side. Man City sing True Blue.

Yeah. Blue. Yeah, there's a few. I think it's more common with the, there's this stigma against teams in the south. So particularly like London based teams tend to be, they're not very loud. They're more posh. Civil. They don't give it up as much as the northern fans and northern fans are the loud ones.

It's like Game of Thrones, right? Oh, that's Jax. The north. Yeah, the north. The rough and ready. They're down for Friday. If Liverpool's the Starks, then I'm a hundred percent in. Yeah, I feel like they would be.

Yeah, they're up there. They're definitely like Winterfell. All right, cool. We're up north just before Scotland and all of that. North before the wall. There are no Scotland teams in the EPL. No, they have their own Scottish league. There's only really two teams in Scotland that anyone cares about,

but it's based mainly with to do with religion. It's Protestants and Catholics. Tell me about this teams. Every team seems to be named after a city. And then they're at number nine is just the word wolves. What's going on with that? Wolverhampton. So there's mascot is the city.

Well, I believe I could be wrong. The Wolverhampton wolves. Was there two teams? Wolverhampton Wanderers. Yes, there were two teams. Oh, wait. Hold on. Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Yeah. But wait. See this shows. I'm not prepared to just come in two hours and know about the wolves. This shows how quickly we started this podcast. We like texted you that we're thinking about starting it and then asked you to come in. Yeah. And I only really know what I know is enough to impress an American.

Yeah. Back home if people listen to this background. You're an expert to me. Yeah. For sure. But I am like really poor. So you're. I play more FIFA than I watch football.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. But your endorsement basically is Liverpool and then your anti-endorsement is Man City. Yeah. And Man City. Yeah. Because I believe that they are ruining football. Okay.

Manchester United and Manchester City in the same city. Yeah. And then they would be considered Derby rivals. So when Arsenal play Tottenham, their rivals because of the distance they share the same city, right? So one, they're both North London clubs. So that's their rivalry. In Liverpool, our city rivals are called Everton. Everton I've heard of.

So that will be Everton, Liverpool will be considered a Derby game. But then there are deep rivalries that are not related to necessarily being in the same city. So that would be Liverpool and Manchester United. Got it. Let's talk names. We need to name this show. This is a few of our brainstorms. I should say mostly my brainstorms.

Jake's favorite, want to be Hooligans. Want to be Hooligans. Okay. Hooligan is just any soccer fan or a rowdy drunken one? I think. Is it British specific? Yeah. I mean, there's football hooligans.

Football hooligans. Sure. But yeah, a hooligan can still be a hooligan. But I think it's usually associated with football. Okay. Yeah. The great British kickoff. I like that.

Okay. Great British kickoff. Yeah. The soccer football show. Ooh. New fan who dis? Don't. Likes that one.

I just, after want to be Hooligans, every single title is from a mirror. I have not come up with a single one. New fan who dis is doing way better in my mind than I should. Okay. Club fan witch. It's kind of like a club sandwich pun, but also asking us which fan. Club fan witch. Which club.

That's really strong too. Okay. And lastly is yours kicking it. But I feel like maybe there's already a soccer football podcast called kicking it. Who said kicking it? I think you did at the top. I did not endorse that. I could do better than kicking it.

All right. You said kicking it and then we said it should be. I think it should be football in it. Football in it. Football in it. Question mark. Or soccer in it. In it is, deconstruct that for us.

The word in it. Yeah. Well, you know I use it a lot, right? Yeah. Is that isn't it? It is. Yeah. It's isn't it.

And it would probably be used as a substitute for right. Got it. Football, right? Yeah. Ain't it? Ain't it? Yeah. How would you spell it?

IDN apostrophe T? No. It would be I double N, I T. In it. Oh. In it. In it. Football in it.

N, N, I T. Yeah. In it. Okay. Are we imposters for using that word or is it okay for us to appropriate it like that? Football in it. I'm letting you.

Oh, you'll allow it. I'm endorsing it. I don't think anyone can say anything. So that's what I would throw out. I like the club, Sam, club football. Club Fanwich. Club Fanwich. Fanwich, IG.

It's just, it's a good pun, but a terrible podcast. But this podcast is not going to last forever. We can get a little disposable. The podcast has to have like a name that's like, oh, what's that new podcast you listen to? Club Fanwich. It's Club Fanwich. Like, hey, check out this new podcast.

Like you got to, it has to have a name that you're not afraid to say. New Fan Who Dis is, I'm not afraid to say new Fan Who Dis, because this is where it's trying to survive. But is that, is that kind of... Yeah, it's not football. And is that also aged? Yes. Yeah, it's dated.

I think it is. I think like, do you, is it, is the cover image you dabbing? In a perfect world. What about Fan Daniel? I'm wearing Opa's sunglasses. Opa football style. Fan Daniel back at it again with the club fan. Boatermouth USA.

I had a question for you. If you're going just purely on your location where you were born, what team should you be a fan of? That's a great question. I think I could get away with, you don't know, I'm not from North London, I'm from Northwest London, but it would be completely acceptable if I supported Arsenal because it's not that far on the tube, right? So like in London, it's a matter of like blocks.

I mean, there's so many teams in London, like Chelsea, like I said, I didn't even get to like Queens Park Rangers, which would be really close to me. There's another club called, well, Fullham, Fullham's. Fullham's 19th, they're going to be relegated, dude. Yeah, Fullham aren't doing well, but they were also newly promoted, which is a struggle. So they've just come up. And how often do you just come up and they're like, all right, back down with you? That happens a lot.

Although a few years ago, and I'm not pitching for you to support this club, but Leicester came up, were newly promoted and then won the league. That's right. There was like a 500 to one shot. It was insane. How did they win? They just went on a, there was a, I think they had a great manager they had. And the thing is the league below them is probably harder than our league in its own way.

It's so competitive. So you, I think if all of the teams are just mediocre, trying to get to the, to the top. But then I think they're all actually really good. Oh, like, so there's another, okay, fucking hell, okay. DPL Premier League. Yep. So Liverpool, for instance, when they start a season, right in August will be available for four separate competitions at the exact same time.

You have the Premier League, which they'll be doing, then they have the Champions League, which they've progressed in. They're now in the knockout stages of the last 16. They're also in the FA Cup and they're in the league cup. I think they just crashed out of the FA Cup yesterday. These are where you will play in their English, the FA Cup in the English Cup and the league cup. The league cup will be played.

I don't know why the league cup is the most stupidest one. It's just those same 20 teams playing, I believe, but the FA Cup lets in. So you'll be playing teams in the division below you. I can't. I can't. You're doing that. We got to stick to the EPL. I can't wrap my head around these four leagues.

I know. There's, there's, so there's two tournaments. There's three tournaments in one league. You'll be in three tournaments in one league every year. If you qualify. Jesus Christ. Just focus on the big six. Don't you have like seven, you guys play seven games.

You play way more games than we do. In basketball, it's 82 games. 82. Football, it's 60. Isn't that, isn't that not a little excessive? In baseball, it's 161. Wait, 181? Why do you need that?

Yes. Jesus Christ. But why do you need that? You know, because you got to watch something every summer day for three and a half months. Wait, is it every day? Every day. Sometimes they play six days a week. They play games in a day.

A double header. It's very easy to play baseball. You don't have to watch. Not on the pitch. It's not in it. Don't they fuck up their, their shoulders? Yeah, their shoulders are once every five days. If you look at any like baseball players, bodies, they're pretty much weird looking out

of shape. Yeah. You can be a fat 47 year old and play baseball. There's just no way. There's no way like football players, our football players can play that volume of games. Yeah. What's the oldest, what's the oldest football player? Depends what position you play.

I think goalkeepers tend to have the probably the most longevity. 38 maybe. Yeah, they can go into their 40s. I think Buffon, he's an Italian. Oh yeah, bald dude, right? No, no, no, no. Good looking guy, beautiful eyes. I did a commercial with him.

Whoa. Yeah. That's pretty cool. I'll give you an exclusive. Okay. I had a cigarette outside with him while he was in season. Whoa. He was just fired.

We haven't even posted this episode yet. A weekly wage cut in half. But yeah. Is it General Luigi Buffon? Yeah. He's in his 40s. Wow. So goalkeepers tend to have the most longevity.

It depends on, it's usually with speed as you start getting slower. So there were positions that it's okay to lose your speed a little bit. But usually most people start looking at retiring in the early 30s. I guess it's just like any sports. How often are players bought like to another league entirely? Oh, very often. So like if you have a favorite player, they could be gone. I guess what's the average?

Like your favorite player, will you be able to watch them for a few years? Or is it like? You'll usually, I think you'll get, you'll probably get between three and five. All right. From when you buy someone, unless something crazy happens. So you're usually going to see that guy for about three to five years. Mo Salah is in his second year. But are there the, are there the lifers that this guy's been on the team for 15 years?

Oh yeah, for sure. You'll get, you'll get the guys that just won't, they'll hold their position. I'll stay there. I mean, Stephen Joe, I'd never, didn't leave us for the fuck. I think he might have played for us for 17 years or something like that. Jesus. Yeah. From, he came on the pitch when he was, not like that.

He walked on the, when he was, he walked on. That's the one I was looking for. He was like 17 and I think he retired from us at 33 or something. That's cool. So there are some similarities to like the American football, the American basketball we watch, but then there are some things that just don't compute. I think the closest, I mean, in terms of, for me, watching being in America and what do I identify with?

I think basketball and ice hockey, be all like the ones I can grab the most. Yeah. Ice hockey, definitely. I find that really enjoyable. That would be my sport once I immigrate into your country. The Canucks, are you going to be a Canucks fan, a Kings fan, a Ducks fan? Ducks. Nice.

And that is not just because of the Disney movie. It is. I tried, I wanted to have a cool excuse, I don't know. There's literally no other reason. Yeah. It's to do with, what's your name? Joshua Jackson. Yeah.

All Josh, Jacks, PC. Emilio Estevez. Yeah. What was the name of the code? Gordon Bombay. Yeah. Gordon Bombay, that's it. Which is your nickname?

That is. Gordon Bombay. That's your porn name. That's funny enough. That's also where I get my eyebrows done. It's called Bombay Brow Club. Really? Yeah.

Good man. Great eyebrows. Thanks, man. All right, Rahul, thank you so much for joining us on this first episode. I feel like you've learned fuck all. No, we've learned a lot. Because we went from absolute zero. Yeah.

What have you got now? We have, we know. You know how to sing the Mo Salah song. That's all we need to know. We know that Liverpool is red. Mo Salah, Salah, that's not, that's my pitch. You've switched players and songs there. We don't have a title for the show yet, but at least we've learned a lot about football.

I'm going to throw out for you guys soccer in it. Soccer in it. Soccer in it. You've got an English word and you've got a typical English word and a very American word to smush together. Oh, smush together. Kind of, yeah. Like East meets West style.

Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Club sandwich. It's growing on me. It's growing on Jake. We just need a song for it. Anything you want to promote?

Anything you want to talk about? Discuss? Shout out? Yeah. No? Last season? Who cares? Senioritis?

I don't really care. Just my, yeah, my Twitter and my Instagram, I guess, rollkoli13. But even that, I don't, I'm not even using that much anymore. Yeah. What are you taking? You've just got me at a really weird time in my life. We got you. In between.

You just want to call out AT&T for giving you shit the last few days. Yeah. No service. Tell me to wait for a technician. Yes, they didn't show up. Well, you're here because he didn't show up. So I'm a little bit thankful to them for that. Thanks so much for listening, everybody.

This premiere episode will be on our regular podcast feed, and then the starting now afterwards will be on our Patreon feed so you can listen to the rest of the episodes on Patreon. This is a higumpukko. Oh, we don't have to play Rose now. We got it. Nailed it. If you have your own suggestions as to which clubs, squads, teams we should... Does anyone call it squads?

Yeah, people do. Yeah, yeah, squads. Yeah, we'll say squad. We're still for sale, we should just say. Oh, I didn't know what... I will like a team for cash. What's that? I will like a team for cash.

Oh, that's pretty cool. Buyout plus a weekly... Nancy has the most cash, right? A weekly salary. Can we get that billionaire to pay Jake 20 grand a week to be a fan? Probably. He's an influencer. He can do that.

Yeah, you're an influencer. The oil wells run deep in his country. All right, we'll be back soon. Bye, everybody.