If I Were You - Introducing: Headgum Happy Hour

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Consider this your official invite to hang with us in the Headgum backyard: it's the Headgum Happy Hour, our new monthly stand-up comedy show! Hosted by the Headgummers you know and (we hope) love, Amir Blumenfeld, Geoffrey James, and Danny Sellers! In our inaugural episode, comedians Shelby Wolstein & EJ Marcus, Avital Ash, Liza Treyger, and Ian Karmel take us back to school for some stories to close out the summer. Along the way, the audience becomes an unwilling focus group for Geoff’s Shark Tank ideas. Grab tickets to the next Headgum Happy Hour taping on November 3rd. Watch the video version on Youtube Like the show? Rate and review it on Spotify and Apple Podcasts Check out Shelby & EJ's podcast Keeping Records, Liza's podcast Enemies, and Ian's Podcast All Fantasy Everything Advertise on Headgum Happy Hour via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Join us for Head Gum Happy Hour, a monthly stand-up comedy show featuring the talents of Head Gum staff and beloved stand-ups who were available that night. Head Gum Happy Hour is recorded live and dutifully preserved for historical posterity and your listening pleasure. Subscribe to Head Gum Happy Hour wherever you listen to podcasts or watch the video version on Head Gum's YouTube. And if you're in L.A., come see the next one live on November 3rd, tickets available at headgum.com slash live.

Enjoy! This is a Head Gum Original. Hi everyone. Thank you all for coming. We're so excited to have you. Are you also excited like we are? Alright, without further ado, the very funny people I work with. Amir, Jeff, and Danny.

Hey, how's everybody doing? Thank you guys so much for coming. How are we feeling? Is this on? Do you think this is on? I think it's on. You turn up a little bit. Yeah.

On? No jobs at once. She's right. Anya made dinner for everybody and then she's also in charge of the microphones. It's too much. Spread too thin. Now I can hear myself. Hell yeah.

How's everybody doing? Yes, sir. How you doing? Thanks for arriving. Hard to do that in Los Angeles, so we appreciate it. Where did everybody park? Because I'm afraid I might get towed. Don't ask like mundane shit.

Yeah, just make it small talk. We have to kill 45 minutes. Four comics bailed. They all said no thanks at the end of the day. No, what did you guys want to discuss? I'm sorry. I co-opted the conversation way too early. This is fine.

I feel like this is the three most random people in. We look like fucking power rangers. Yeah. There's always like the most ambiguous, like is the black dude, you know, it's the fucking random. Which one am I? You give like real blue ranger energies. That means Jewish, but I appreciate it.

That's hard, David, on your chest. You give off blue ranger energy. The flag of my forefather. Well, the theme tonight is high school. Back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Back to school.

Back to school. The theme tonight is high school. Yeah. My specific high school, you know. Go preppers. I guess that was the name of your mascot. Let's not talk about it. I did see that John Marshall over here in Lesfiel is their mascot is the Barristers.

Interesting. Which might be worse. Then preppers. Preppers? Preppers is nothing. Barristers is at least something. There's not a thing called a prepper. I don't like being in the middle of this.

All right, let's switch it up. I end up in the middle again. This is fucked. I was a piece of shit in high school. Yeah. No, I really thought highly of myself. When I was a freshman, we will they used to bring like speakers to my high school and to like inspire us to go into different fields.

One of them was like the GM of the calves. I'm from Cleveland. Kobe Altman. What's that? Kobe Altman. It was before it was before David Griffin, whoever that guy was Adam Smith or something. He didn't do well with the team, but he did come to speak to us and he was like, all right, well, let's do two more questions.

I've been raising my hand the whole time. My question had something to do with like the core was like Tristan Thompson. It's the core. A red velvet jacket and a smoking a cob. Yeah. One question. I had a basketball related question and they were like two questions. You and then you and pointed at me second.

First guy asks the question I was going to ask. They're like, all right, and you. And I was like, and I should have just said that was my question and given it to someone else. Instead, I was like, what do you think of the, what do you think of the name change from New Orleans Hornets to New Orleans Bellachutes? And he was like, yeah, I work for the Cleveland Cavaliers. I don't really have an opinion on that bell rings.

School starts. Just everybody's like because other people wanted to ask questions. So that was what I was like in high school, Danny. Didn't you like smoke like tobacco? Like I also smoked pipe tobacco in my garage out of a pipe. Let's talk about anything else than me smoking pipe tobacco. You look good, man. Thanks.

Yeah. I really needed to fucking hear that. I can tell if you're losing weight or just buying bigger clothes. Danny loved it. I thought the same thing. I'm like, what the fuck is this dude? It looks like you're an after picture, but you just might be wearing an XXL. What were you guys like in high school?

Popular dog. Jewish man. I was mad popular. I really had a great adolescence. I don't know. That's awesome. Played football. Yeah.

I was in shape. Yeah, that's awesome. Same. Same. Same. Well, flag football, but middle school. I was in 12th grade. They were in seventh.

I was playing flag football. You moonlighted as a parking enforcement officer, right? And sunlighted. Did you really, bro? No, of course not. Don't believe anything he says. Gleefully handing out $71, $281. That's a random young police officer.

Yeah, most people were in like a summer camp. Yeah, I was a tutor. All right. I have a question. I have a question. You're right to change the subject. Yeah. If there's one famous person that you could bully in high school, like you knew them in

high school? Physically. Yeah, or mentally. Okay. Who is the oldest backstreet boy? Ooh. AJ. Do y'all know?

Do y'all anybody hear them? Kevin. Kevin. No, Kevin could kick my ass. Who was the other one? Howie. I would outwit Howie. That's nice.

I really would. Ask me howie. Nice. Thank you. What about you? I don't know. It's just because you were talking about boy bands, but Taylor Hansen. He's smaller than the backstreet boys.

The backstreet boys were jacked. Really? Shit. The Hansen guys were like. Hansen. Lean. Yeah. They were, I think, 8, 10, and 12.

Really? Yeah. Okay. That I didn't know. Yeah. All ages. I just know um-bop. Yeah.

They were adolescents, for sure. Yeah. What about you? I feel like I would mentally torture the rock. There's no way. Before he got jacked. Just roasting my bro. You fucking can't find.

There is no before he was jacked. You see. He was probably 11. He was huge. He was 6'4", 280. But just roasting my bro. Your mom doesn't love you. Just like walk away.

Shit like that. Yeah, dog. Yeah, but you would have fed the fuel that led him to be what he is now. Yeah, that's fine. I want to ask everybody tonight who they wanted to bully. Okay. Who they could bully or who they wanted to. I would have.

We're all old as fuck now. Yeah. Back in the day. Some of us more than others. Somebody from my high school was on Shark Tank. And he got $750,000 for a tattoo moisturizer called Black Rabbit. And I figured if Oliver Zack could do it, then so could fucking I. So I have a couple ideas that I wanted to run by y'all.

And we'll settle on one. And I'll actually submit it for the deadline, which is in eight days, October 1st. Okay. The first one is SAG after paneer. So that's the only actors union that pairs well with non. What? Like or prop up. And what are you looking for?

Cash wise for what percentage of your company? That's going to be $400,000 for 25%. No way. No way. Doxed Martin. Custom boots with celebrities addresses on them. It's disgusting. Just like Judge Reinhart.

Yeah. Unlike a Chelsea. Do one more. Do your last best one. Get the show going. All right. Astro turf, artificial grass that somehow rockets JK rolling to Mars. Let's get the show started.

Introduce them. You guys know these people from Twitter, from TikTok. And as the host of one of my favorite head gum shows, Keeping Records, give it up for EJ Marcus and Shelby Wilson. Hey, thanks, Jeff. Oh, hey, thanks, Jeff. Thanks, Jeff. Hey, thank you, Jeff.

Thank you guys. It would be literally insane for you to know me from TikTok. I have three videos. If you guys were like, I know we're from TikTok. I'd be like, that's nuts. People do. Jeff and I are from the same town. And I went to the all girls school that was counter to his all boys school.

And he's not lying about preppers. That is true. And their mascot was literally just big boy in a suit. Like it literally is just like a white big boy wearing a suit. And our mascot, the Blazers makes no sense. I didn't like going back to school. Why? I literally, I loved it.

No, I didn't like going back to school. I didn't like going back to school because I went to summer camp. But when I got back to school, I just got to learn about everything everyone did without me. I was like, oh, that's awesome. They were like, I had sex this summer. I was like, I flirted behind a bunk for like 45 minutes. And it was sexy.

That sounds cool. That sounds really cool though. I mean, I don't remember a single thing I learned in high school. Like I was actually, I think mentally, I was like, I won't learn here. I was like, yeah, right. I dare you to teach me something and they couldn't. And I, it led to me being really stupid for a really long time. No.

Really? Literally. And sophomore year of high school, sophomore year of high school, I told my parents that I didn't know what month came after January. Stop. And they said, what? And I said, nobody has taken the time to tell me. And it's always written on the board.

Yeah. So I was like, I never have to know that. And then my mom got so mad at me was like, I can't believe I raised the stupidest person on the planet. Stop. She said that. Oh my God. She literally said that.

And I was like, I was like, no, like I'll learn it. And I went, I locked myself in my bedroom and I learned the most. Totally. I mean, I guess at this one, I'm 15 years old. At 15, I was like, I'm going to know what comes after January, bitch. I like asked my family to gather to be like January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December. And they were kind of like, yeah, thank you.

That's yeah. Whoa. Just you guys. I learned that. Yeah. Really impressive. I learned that because I my siblings birthdays were April, May, June, July. Easy.

You get that. Easy stuff. That's like simple. January, February, March, April was all I had to learn because then July to November is Jason and D Darulo. So it's January, February, March, April, May, June, July birthdays. Jason Darulo. That's simple.

That's really easy stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I totally hear you with like school not being like the most, I don't know, best use of your time at that age. But like, I guess I used it for like really, in a way, I guess I was doing sort of like research on my own. Like you could call it like an independent study.

You could have done that at home. I could. Well, but I'm transgender. So when I was in high school, I was fully, fully, fully closeted. So I was like, you know, other girls, right? As we knew them, other girls were sort of dating boys and doing that kind of stuff. And I was too. I was too for the most part.

Yeah. Like I was like fully partaking in that in a way in that I would sort of have like boy friends. And I would be like, why don't you put on my dress? Why don't you put on my dress? Just like do it. Do it. Which is super normal and okay to do.

And then I would just sort of like observe them and be like, God, you look good. God, you look good. Maybe like, do you want to make out? I'd be like, whoa, that's not what this is about. Today's about seeing you in a dress. Yeah. Today's about seeing you. Your body specifically in a dress and that's you guys can psychoanalyze that all you want.

But that's what school gave me. So I like super important stuff. I just feel like, like I don't think when I was a kid, the things that I was curious about was like, I was taking my razor scooter and running it over worms and seeing if I could bring them back to life. Yeah. Yeah. Insane.

But now I know you can't and they will live for way longer than you think. Once they're split in half. I think it's because they have like a bunch of stomachs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And resilience. But like teenage boys? Teenage boys?

Yeah. Are literally, they're in class for what reason? All they're thinking about is like, what does my dick feel like in this textbook? Do you know what I mean? Literally, literally. They're literally like, wait, what would my dick feel like on those curtains? What would my dick feel like? Like that's all that's good.

So it's like, it's not the right time to learn. Right now, I learned stuff on TikTok and I'm like, I'm curious. I'm now Googling. So like, I'm like, that's amazing. Yeah. And in high school, they taught me things. And I said, it is so stupid that you want me to learn that right now. You fought it.

You debated. I did. Yeah. I thought I believed nothing a teacher said in everything my peers said. Like, I learned in middle school, I learned that you could get pregnant from a hot tub. Yeah. Yeah. Someone said, you can get, if someone comes in a hot tub, it's a perfect environment for

someone to come to survive 48 hours. I said 100%, that makes total sense to me. I mean, balls are hot. And so I was like, that has to be able to happen. And then I was like, well, people keep saying like the Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mary. I was like, if it can happen. Yeah. If it can happen, it can happen to me.

And so my first pregnancy scare was when I was 12 years old and a virgin. Because you were. Because I was in a, I went to a hot tub on winter break, Bragg. Whoa. Bragg. You don't think I did. Really cool. I went to a hot tub.

Yeah. I should have known better. But I went to a hot tub on winter break and I then didn't get my period for like three months. And I was like, I'm pregnant. Yeah. And then I had a friend over to talk about it. I was like, listen, we got to talk. I'm going to have a baby.

And she was like, what? I was like, no, I was in that hot tub and whatever, whatever, whatever. Yeah. And we decided I needed to take care of it because I wasn't fit to be a mom. And. Oh, get rid of it. Yeah. That would be taking care of it.

I couldn't bring it even to. Yeah. Term. Totally. Yeah. This is a pro life on this. I forgot. They're all like, holy shit, she considered abortion.

She was 12. Okay. They're like, she should have carried that. Yeah. I'm like, I'm seeing the signs now. They're like, are you like people purchasing it back? They're like, wait. What?

She would have aborted that baby. She's fucked up. Yeah. She's got me immediately. Oh my God. They're really mad. Every single one of you was like, yikes. Submotions.

But I was going to get one. If I was pregnant at the time. Yeah. Thank you. An ally. But I had to get a ride to urgent care. So I asked for one from my dad. Sure.

And I was like, I need to go to urgent care. Yeah. Which, by the way, I don't think they would have performed it. But what did I know? And I went to my dad. I said, we need to go to urgent care. And he was like, are you sick? And I was like, no.

I just have to go to urgent care. And we went back and forth for a while because he was like, if you're not sick, why are you and I was like, just trust. And so then my sister was like, she thinks she's pregnant. I'm 12 years old. This is my father. And he was like, what are you talking about? I was like, I could be like, who's to sit like, I don't know how I would know.

And he was like, what are you talking about? We go back and forth. We're screaming. I'm flustered. And he goes, who's the father? And I said, it could be anyone. He stormed off. We never talked about it again.

I was like, I got my period like four days later and I was like, and he never needs to know. Yeah. That's a secret. I was tasked with asking you guys a question after your set for the format of the show. And I wanted to ask it for you guys because yes, we did basically go to what should have been the same high school, but wasn't. Was there like a teacher you guys liked?

And what was one quality about them that changed the course of your life? Serious question. Wow. Wow. I think that's fair to ask. You first. Yeah. Yeah.

I have to think. Oh my God. I mean, I had. Okay. I mean, I like to be honest, the first thing that came to mind was I had like a lesbian science teacher. Like, like literally, I was her life anti gay. They were like, okay, that's good.

She should be teaching science if she doesn't know that a man should meet with a woman. Um, no, yeah, she's lesbian. I just thought that was super cool. I was like, wait, okay, noted for later. Love that. Love that. Shelby. Yeah.

I know a little bit about your high school experience. Oh, yeah. It says to run to my high school. Yeah. Totally. Um, my you were cool in high school. Whoa. Really?

Oh my God. First time hearing about it. That makes so much sense. And you hated school. Yeah, that's kind of the whole point. So cool. Um, my favorite teacher, I mean, I loved all my teachers. If I'm being honest, that's the only reason I didn't get expelled.

Um, I, there was a thing in my school called honor council, uh, which was a peer, uh, a jury of your peers who got to decide if you were in trouble or not. The police. Yeah. They had a lifetime appointment all through high school. So you got nominated. The Supreme Court. Yeah.

Cops, cops, cops, cops, but, um, there, I would have, they say after you go once, they're like, you will get expelled after your next, uh, appearance. And I went nine times and the only reason I was never expelled was this guy, Dr. Wonderly King. There's no way. Dr. Wonderly. Yeah. He was my advisor.

He was made up character. And he was a magician too. Um, that was a stage name. That's awesome. Uh, it would not surprise me. He was awesome. He was so sweet. And he let me stop taking Spanish class and just do the worksheets in his breath.

Nice. Dr. Wonderly. Well, anyways, give it up for EJ Shabby. I was just saying that it's exciting to be here. Kind of our first arms crossed worst HR rep outfit I've ever seen. Yeah. Hey, so is this what you meant by roast famous people? Yes.

Roast famous. Dragging me and Taylor. Can I pitch another, uh, shark tank idea? Yeah, please. Uh, Jin Diesel, bottle liquor with a little rib tank top. Who says no? Probably Vin. He'll sue you for libel.

Yeah. And someone else will sue you for the label. I just, he hates the rock, so I thought that maybe he would try and like, do they really? Beef? Oh, they have huge beef. And the rock has, what is it? Dobos? Uh, the rock.

Uh, no. No. It's a tequila. No, it's a tequila brand. That one. Yeah. He's definitely trying to one-up him in that regard. So I think Jin Diesel.

Yeah. And if you don't like that. We don't. Then, uh, I'll come back with a couple more later. All right. I really do. I'll do my homework here. That's right, girl.

All right, well, let's get this, get this shit going, because this motherfucker with that. All right, this next comedian, he's fucking hilarious. You see him every night on The Late Late Show and Netflix. It makes some noise right now for Ian Carmel! How's everybody doing tonight? You having a good time? Yeah.

Immediately see the Portland, Oregon hat. Shout out, dude. Hell yeah. I'm, I'm from Portland, Oregon. I went to high school in Portland, Oregon. I fucking loved high school. I loved it. I was a gigantic football player.

Everybody liked Sublime, not just me. It was everybody. Now, you can't like Sublime. Liking Sublime is worse than being a pedophile. But back then, everybody liked Sublime. You'd walk into a party and Sublime would be playing. You'd leave a party and Sublime would be playing. You'd get in your car, Sublime would be playing.

You'd get pulled over by the cops. They'd hear Sublime. They'd be like, you're a good dude. Don't even need to blow into this thing. Everybody liked Sublime. I fucking loved it. I don't even have a joke about this. I'm just talking about high school.

I really, I really did enjoy high school. I loved it. I was, I was just smart enough to get by. I was not actually smart. I was jeopardy smart, which is different. Some people are real smart. I'm jeopardy smart. Like if the president called me,

it was like there's a meteor headed to earth. What are we going to do? I'd be like, I got you. Tallahassee is the capital of Florida. I was in tag though. Was anyone here in tag talented and gifted? Yeah. Good.

We all were. Everybody was. I felt very special about it at the time, but it turns out everybody was in talent and gifted. Talented and gifted means you're, you're here. Oh man. I really did. I love high school.

I, y'all, y'all ever, y'all ever, y'all ever now, now y'all ever, you guys ever see like pictures going around on Twitter of what school lunches look like in other countries where they'll be like, this is Japan and it's a well-balanced meal. And here it is in France. And there's a bernet sauce on the haddock or what like, you know, and then they show an American

and it's just like microwaved bologna and like a ketchup swastika or something like that. I know it's like hip to criticize America. You know, you guys are probably younger than me. I know it's in right now to look at the American flag and say I have some, I have some notes. You know, I know that's what we're all doing here. I know, I know that, but American school lunch,

that's not where we start, okay? We fucking knocked it out of the park with school lunch. I don't know what those pictures going on on Twitter, but we had chicken fried steak like three times a week. Nobody should eat chicken fried steak ever and we had it three times a week. We were rarely served anything that didn't have gravy on it. That's a fucking beautiful dream for a child.

They would, are you sure it was to save money? I'm sure it was to save money, but we had a thing called Bandito's quesadillas, which was just several quesadillas. I fucking love that. France, they're trying to give you like spelt and quinoa. Fuck off. That's why you guys aren't good at basketball.

I partied a lot in high school, which you can probably tell by how I'm much dumber than all of the privilege I've been afforded should indicate. I loved it. None of us had older siblings though. How did you guys, did you guys, who else partied in high school? Make some noise.

You were in a Hawaiian shirt tonight. I know you partied in high school, dude. You've been partying since high school. It hasn't stopped. That's my fucking man right there. What's your name, dude? Connor, your name's Connor? Have you ever had a Hawaiian shirt?

What are you doing here right now? Don't be open later, he says. Of course they will. Fucking Connor in the Hawaiian shirt. How did you get booze when you were in high school, dude? Older siblings. So you were like, hey, here's 20 bucks. Hook it up.

We didn't have that set up. We didn't have any older siblings. What we had was what we call them beer runs. What we would do was me and three other already pretty drunk friends would walk into a grocery store, secure in the knowledge that the employees of that grocery store weren't allowed to touch you because of ongoing litigation

concerning just that method of apprehending wayward youth. So we would walk up and down those aisles as though we were on a Friday at 11 p.m. grocery shopping trip, just three lads out for an evening, and we would fill our grocery cart with various groceries so people wouldn't get suspicious. But we weren't really paying attention, so it would be head of cabbage,

golden-gram cereal, orthopedic inserts, so much beer, beef jerky, and then we would at one point just be like, go! And then we would run! We would push the shopping cart out into the parking lot where another friend was waiting

and his mother's Subaru out back, right? Just around the corner from where the cameras were. And we would throw the beer in, and then we would close the back of the hatchback, and then we would push the shopping cart away, and then we would run after it, grab the beef jerky, get back in the car, and then leave. And that's how we did it.

And I did that like seven or eight times. And this was when I was like 17, when I also didn't believe in white privilege, so... The irony was as thick as the molasses they used on that beef jerky we ate on our ride back to the party. I think they need to do a better job of educating children in high school.

Myself included, my own generation, every generation. Here's how I... So Nelson Mandela! Nelson Mandela. I was recently looking into Nelson Mandela. I was reading... I was looking into... I was reading his Wikipedia page.

Cliff notes just for everything in life. I guess I was reading his Wikipedia page. Nelson Mandela spent 30 years of his life in prison. 30 years of his life in prison. And while he was in prison, he dedicated his life to education. He learned Afrikaans, the language of the people who were oppressing

the black people in South Africa. He got a law degree while he was there. He nearly went blind, by the way, because he was forced to break rocks in the yard of the prison, like very white-rug chalk, and the light reflecting off it damaged his eyesight. He slept on a straw mat.

30 years he was in prison. He was in prison for 30 years doing that. And when he finally got out, he was elected the first black president in the history of South Africa. That's when he was. And after a amazing tenure as the president of South Africa,

where he prevented a massive, violent civil war that almost surely was to break out, he stopped it from happening, and after he got out of office, he dedicated the rest of his life to fighting AIDS and poverty, not just in South Africa, not just in Africa, but in the world.

That is what Nelson Mandela did with his life. That's Nelson Mandela. And the Mandela effect is when you think the fruit of the loom logo has a cornucopia on it. But it did not have a cornucopia. It was just loose fruit. Civil rights hero Nelson Mandela.

30 years of his life in prison. A third of the luckiest people on Earth's life. 30 years. And that's what we fucking named after him. What the fuck? We are fucking dumb as hell. What the fuck? That's what we're doing.

What the fuck? Dumb as hell. That's like if we were like, look at that guy. He's a regular Martin Luther King Jr. He has a mustache. What the hell is wrong with it? Now we call it the Mandela effect because this phenomenon happened

when Nelson Mandela was in prison for so long that people assumed he was dead. So when he got out of prison finally, in the 90s people were like, wait, no, he died in the 80s. And they were like, no, no, he was alive because he was in jail for so long. And they were like, ah, forgetting.

That's what I will choose to take away from his sacrifice. You and I bet Nelson Mandela wishes he could forget being in prison for 30 years. Why do we ever ask famous people what they think about anything? What has that ever worked out? We shouldn't do that. Chris Pratt, I'm talking about Chris Pratt.

What was it? It was a long wind up, but I want to talk about Chris Pratt. What the fuck were we doing asking him any questions about it? We should ask Chris Pratt one question ever. And it's like, how fun was it to work with Bryce Dallas Howard again?

That's it! That's the only question we could ask Chris Pratt. We talked to Chris, we used to love Chris Pratt. You remember that? You were all there. We loved Chris Pratt. He was the internet's boyfriend. We were like, look at that guy. He's funny. And he's not that hot.

He's hot, but he's not that hot. And I like that because that's how I see myself. We loved Chris Pratt. People wanted to fuck him. People wanted to pee him. We loved him. And then we were interested, so we asked questions and it ruined it because he has dumb opinions. Because of course he does.

Chris Pratt belongs to a weird bad church. And of course, of course Chris Pratt does. Look at Chris Pratt. He's one of the biggest movie stars on the planet. And everyone else who looks like Chris Pratt coaches middle school football. I would believe in whatever God they put in front of me if that was my life.

He looks like he should be drunk in a grocery store, not on the set of a movie. That's Chris Pratt. Why the fuck do we ask him any questions? We did this to ourselves. You know what this is? This is exactly like a few years ago when there was those pictures

circulating on Twitter and it was like a big plastic bin in a factory and it was full of a big pile of pink slime. It was just a big pile of pink slime and it was circulating and people were like, guess what the pink slime is? And we were like, I don't know some sort of industrial solvent.

And they were like, no, it's chicken nuggets. We had to be like, oh. Gross? Gross. Yeah, that is gross. Don't fucking show us that. I don't know what I thought chicken nuggets looked like when they got turned into chicken nuggets,

but I didn't think good. I didn't think they looked good. You get 20 of them for $4. They come in one of four shapes. Every one of them is one of four shapes. God didn't do that. I knew that. I didn't think chicken nuggets were just like an emotionally well-adjusted chicken on a treadmill.

Just like, whenever I die, do whatever you want with me and you have my blessing. I didn't think that was it. We fucked chicken nuggets for ourselves and then we fucked Chris Pratt for ourselves. We got to stop doing that. You put your nose in a beehive, you're going to get stung a few times.

You know what I mean? Now I got to go. We should stop asking famous people anything ever. You know when we had proper movie stars in the 80s? Because we never asked them their opinions about anything, not even once. Sylvester Stallone, he was huge.

Nobody ever asked him anything. Not even once. Sylvester Stallone has never had the right opinion in his entire life. Never. Look at that guy. Look at that face. Look at his face. That is the face of a man who has said some words that we don't say anymore.

Nobody has ever asked Sylvester. Sylvester Stallone has had one good opinion ever and that opinion was, I should make a movie where I fight Mr. T and Hulk Hogan and he did it. Alright, I've been Ian Carmel and now I'm going to answer some questions. Give it up for Ian!

Alright, I have a couple of pre-planned questions for you. Of course. The theme is high school, writer, back to school, not high school. Thank you. You've inception us to be wrong. Can we keep his mic off? I think it already is.

I think I'm deaf quite frankly. What's the biggest thing you cheated on during school? The biggest thing I cheated on during school? Oh, I'd love to say like a girlfriend, but I didn't She wasn't that bad. I didn't have one of those. I was way more embarrassing probably.

I cheated on like lots of tests. Oh, you know what it was. It was I I was in like a algebra class that I had no business passing, but the teacher wasn't even a football coach. It was just a friend of a football coach.

And I had like a 59. And he was like, I got you dude. And he didn't even give me a C. He gave me a B minus. But I still don't know math. Last thing. Fantasy draft.

Your favorite. Headgun pocket. Top three periods in school. Oh man. No, I was actually a pretty good student. I really liked

I loved history. I liked AP history because I had this like great uni leader socialist teacher who just like made us read Howard's Inn when we were all like sophomores and that was really fun. She'd be like, that's bullshit. Here's the real story. You got a one

on the exam. I got a one. I did poorly. I did poorly. And so I love history. I loved English just because I'm reading is fun and like and like answers didn't have to be right. You just had to explain yourself enough.

You know what I mean? Right, right, right. You can lie. You can't lie in that. People could be like, what is this like sonnet about? And you'd be like, if you explained why you thought it was about the military industrial complex, which wouldn't come along for 500 more years, you still got points and wrong.

We disagree. Exactly. And then shout out to shout out to lunch, dude. Yeah. A late third round. Sleeper. Hell yeah. One more time for Ian Carmel. Great job.

Thanks. I appreciate you. And listen to all fantasy everything. Watch the late, late show. Watch Ian's specials. He has so many of them. Very funny guy. Killed it. I have another shark tank. Oh, yeah. Why? Yeah, why do you?

I wake sleepless at night. I got it. Okay, let's hear. A mammary foam. A mattress that you have to get screened once a year. I'm worried about you, bro. I'm not doing what? Yeah. Financially, emotionally.

I said nice like mom. Remember those like rom-com movies where the mom was like disheveled but like rich. She had like a t-shirt on. I want to dress like I'm in a Nancy Meyers kitchen. Yeah, right. That's a nice real street. Something really does have to give though in my life.

That's really good. Nancy Meyers. Give me one more. One more idea. One more idea. Glad you're at. Shirts. NPR is all thongs considered. A radio based

ass show. I should have capped you at the end. A mammary foam one. That was perfect. The NPR one. All thongs considered, was it?

Tom Clancy Feast. Sorry, what's that? That's wet cat food for military veterans. What the fuck? I'm glad we got there. Let's keep the show going. You want to see another comic? Yeah.

This next comedian was on the show. I love her if you can believe it. So treat her with respect. Let's give it up for Abital Ash. He defamed my character by saying we were lovers. I'm upset.

I was brought back to high school with this of Lime Talk. I couldn't be the only one. Driving around super high. One of the songs had sirens in it. Every time I was like, oh my god. And it would happen over and over and over.

I guess that's part of being high. You just don't remember shit. So that was fun. I'll hold it against the blind forever. My favorite thing is when girls are texting with guys that they like and they say ha ha to not sound crazy. Like, are you seeing anyone else?

Ha ha. Where does she live? Ha ha. No, like her exact address. Ha ha. I don't love it when a guy says I want you to come because like me too, I'm trying. But I'll still say

I want you to come when I mean I want you to go. I'm ready for this to be over. I think about what it was like when I was in high school and I bet lesbians in high school have it so easy nowadays. That's the end. No, like if I've learned anything from

80s movies, right, it's that to be cool in high school all a guy had to do was present his fingers and his friends would like sniff them to see that he'd gotten pussy. But as a lesbian you can just cheat, you know. How can you trust it? I have been watching some gay Roman

porn. I just saw two lesbians caesaring. I'm going to talk to you guys about porn for a while, so I hope that's okay. My sort of educational journey with porn because it started in middle school and we're going back to school.

Okay, so my first brush with pornography was a cartoon drawing of a breast that I saw in a magazine and tore out and hit away like some sort of porn squirrel. And I want to be clear that it wasn't porn. It was just porn to me

at the time. And I hit it in this heart shaped decoupage box, which I assume is what Kurt Cobain sings about. Works better if I say decoupage heart shaped box, but it's too late, you know. No use crying over spilled com.

I don't know. And then my next brush with porn was a while later. I think I probably squirreled away some more drawings here and there, but my first apartment in LA my neighbor J.D. was watching porn so loudly that I could hear it in my apartment

and I just hear at full volume fuck my ass it's right below my pussy. Which is how I learned that sometimes porn is just directions. And now that I've had more experience I usually

watch Asian porn and it's not like a fetish thing. It's just it's the most creative, you know. Yeah, like I think I really need something sort of off the beaten path to help me beat off my own path, you know. Like it's never American

or Dutch or Spanish porn where you'll see like a depressed naked girl soccer team, like listlessly putting around a soccer ball until the saddest looking girl with bangs loses, I guess and has to get finger banged in the gym. At least I think that's what's

happening. I don't know how to play soccer or speak Japanese but I think finger banging looks the same everywhere. Could be wrong. I don't actually know if they're speaking Japanese because I watch porn on silent the talking kind of ruins it for me

just like with real sex like I'll only participate in a gang bang if it's silent. I have a thought but there's one that I'm skipping and I don't want to forget it. You guys really need to know every nuance of this porn journey. Oh yeah, I like

I guess I like porn that's hard to search for where you can't just type like DP or cream pie you'd have to type like school girl peas on metal table while entire classroom watches or like man freezes time

and undresses women and then restarts time women don't know why they're naked. I should probably just that I like obscure porn so that I would sound like pretentious instead of like a monster too late. I become a bit of a titles enthusiast I have thoughts on titles. I had to write this one down because it's so long but

I saw one daughter swap big titted graduating sluts swapping and swallowing there and it cut off it's so long that's not a good porn title unless the goal is to make you click to find out what they're swapping

their stepdad's hot come I found out on the other end of the spectrum my favorite named pornograph my naked stepsister straightforward to the point sometimes less is more you know and it gives me a sense of safety because I trust that they'll deliver

the promise of the premise and when all is said and done I'll have seen someone's naked stepsister okay and then finally amateur wife is fucking while cuckold husband is watching I mean have they ever taken an English class it should obviously be

amateur wife fucks while cuckold husband watches right way more active sentence also what is an amateur wife amateur wife like a fiance from a marketing standpoint it just raises too many questions and a confused mind always says no

you know if I don't know what you mean how can I flick my bean if I'm confused I can't fucking come you know cool cool any of you get dick pics

do you get have you been yeah yeah from him when did you send her your first dick pic like the weekend after you met a week in waited for the weekend not a week dick pic was that

solicited oh you asked we stand an empowered woman asking for what she needs I guess I'll just tell you another way that I like to come you haven't heard enough I'm worried I like having hate sex I like when I despise the person

making me come it's why I'm so good at masturbating I'm finished we learned so much about you and me and that that was fun it was great I loved every second dying up there it was Marty

it sounded like a cat dying I was a little bit concerned but I'm happy to hear that it was Marty having fun at your expense it was the stuff about you I think so it was about the DPs of it all did you guys have any questions high school questions for Abital I know a lot but maybe you guys have something to get to know

about you were cool in high school right I was what kind of high school was it was it like only Jewish people or was it diverse Jewish school like through 9th grade and then 10th grade I switched to public school and I didn't have any friends I was like friends with older people that were not in high school

which in hindsight is creepy but I remember going to a restaurant with my best friend and when I went to the bathroom the waiter was like we were all in love with her and he was like her because I guess I was like cool and that I didn't talk to anyone I think it's like the boys I had crushes on were like that

were like loners and in a corner and hating that was my vibe that's my vibe really because you did yo-yoing remember a speed cup was back in the day random ass where you do like cups of pyramid

and then you deconstruct them and see how fast it goes speed cupping I think it was speed cupping stacking what a fucking cycle pack because I remember them coming to the schools and like testing the shit out on tables we were all kids like throwing up

so excited and these motherfuckers just like stacking stacking cups I want to interview that what were your extra curriculars if you didn't speed stack what did you do if any I really did a lot of smoking weed and drinking and just was like not

I did love my AP English teacher we were all in love with him so I don't know if that's an extra curricular thinking about your AP English teacher literally let's get to the bottom of it the cooler one I feel bad that I made it

that I tried to act like everybody was in love with me in high school that's not what I meant to say it was this one guy and I made him emblematic of my entire high school and now you all wish if anything everybody loved the English teacher yeah that's true you still text like did you hear about what he did

or like I found him on Instagram he's not on Instagram but I've seen the current crop of high schoolers hashtag his last name and I found photos of him that way they still love him he's still a stud I think he's very fit I remember in 11th grade

he walked into the classroom and all the girls were swooning and I was like ew and then I had him as a teacher and I was like oh so it wasn't just but he was also a fitness instructor so he was very fit that guy sounds awesome

he got offers from better schools but he stayed at public school where he could make the biggest difference but then he did leave to like a magnet school after I left that's awesome shout out to what was his name Mr. Shinoski alright well I am still here how are you

any final questions for Abital before we keep this show on the road Jeff has nine more stupid ideas to yell at you guys well you talked a lot about porn you said that you found it in middle school that's the best story oh yeah the flesh light story I was supposed to remind you of is it?

there's a lot of zillennials here I feel like I was born in 1997 same vibe here 96, 97, 95, 98, 99 so you guys get it I'm gonna do a sort of a call and response we all ordered a flesh light and our

and our Aaron's intercepted the package and sat us down at the talk so it was addressed Adam and Eve logo in high school you were this horny like no the hand is not doing it

no it wasn't Danny I smoked pipe tobacco when I was 16 when I was 12 I felt 40 I'm not feeling it enough I need some extra dog what I needed was knowledge I needed to know what I was gonna prepare for

did you ever think my parents might intercept this they said discreet packaging fucking the stock room on the side what am I supposed to do with that I come home I'm like hey bud did my flesh light show up by any chance

tracking says it was delivered it's like an Amazon thing we need to have a talk what did she say 14 years old it's not getting up we're fucking making out what was the talk you know what and this is the heartwarming

end to it it was a very good talk I don't exactly remember the details but I remember coming away from it being like that was pretty cool all things considered that's nice did she give you the flesh light did she give you the flesh light no he's returned it

daddy had that shit alright I'm gonna dispose of this I'll get rid of it tomorrow let me get this you're just a little son taking out the recycling later that's the box

I can't believe you would do this bring this in ma that's how my dad stood I would be a much different person alright we gotta get this get it from Abitah give it up yes alright

two mics Greg Kineer what's that it's sort of a varnish but it's also you know the star of the way way back yes so vinyer like Greg Kineer got it anything else Namaste

you were smoking fucking tobacco and like you're sorry I don't know if I've ever known who I am it just tickles it wasn't 15 and a half my shit is not getting hard like it needs to watching fucking

I also like talked it up to my classmates I was like you guys know what's coming in the mail today that's disgusting though next day they were like how was it I was like same boat as you brother I had the talk alright I'm sorry let me get this shit going

are we ready for the last committee of the night she is her fucking larry is thank you so much I appreciate it that's right has a podcast here called enemies you know Netflix makes a noise right now for Lisa Traeger

I honestly I ran up here like it was prices right and I didn't know that I was next like I do feel very flustered for no reason I do have a piece of paper I am a pod head and has ruined my life it's we pretend it's like from the earth

it's good and then it's like it will make you dumb and that's that I feel after 15 years of smoking weed I just woke up and I was Mr. Bean and trying my best so I got really lucky because I threatened to kill my

chemistry teacher before school shootings were popular and I feel really lucky I just got sent to school therapy but can you imagine today so I I'm glad that I'm a little older but Mr. Chung fucking sucked and he was a sexist

and he had weird little fingernails like flattened fingernails what it seemed like you were turned on by his fingernails that's yeah okay good good good you're chill ow okay

I am an immigrant I'm from the former Soviet Union yeah not well oh yeah she's just from there too don't worry suddenly it's like the movie true lies okay I that didn't even make sense

yeah I'm a Russian Jew from Ukraine not to you know ruin the mood but it is what it is you missed a lot the people behind you they might fuck okay but yeah so

you know my dad was born 1938 my mom in 1945 just like whatever they're old and immigrants I think you understand and the most embarrassed I've ever been was in fourth grade I played the viola and the night of the concert the conductor

came up to me and said please don't play just hold it and lip-syncing the viola for my immigrant family was a low point it's like so sad they escaped a war how sad were they to just watch me hold it what a bitch right what I've ruined

blue jeans blues that hard like we're fucking fourth grade so that was disrespectful moving on to fifth grade something bad that I did I'll have to confess we did ruin Mr. Michael's life because he had purple converse we thought he was gay and

we didn't we weren't nice about it and I feel really bad he also had a vintage Mercedes but because it was old we were like you're poor and so we ruined this man's life he broke a clipboard because I had

I just remember this I had a post note on my desk and every time I interrupted him I had to do a tally and then after a certain amount I'd get kicked out but whatever I didn't care so that was a confession I was home of phobic in fifth grade but

only to Mr. Michael but I wonder where he is I hope he's still married so I hope he's doing good he also had a mole on his face we were not nice to him and I feel me and Jovan I want to find out what Jovan's up to we really fucking ruined his life

but fuck him because during the talent show we wanted to do a dance to Barbie Girl and he said it was inappropriate and it's like we didn't know that then like I and I'm just pissed so we did something else okay killed Mr.

swim team okay I quit swim team two weeks before senior me because I missed practice to go to Oprah I got tickets to Oprah so I think we can understand what that meant and it wasn't just Oprah we got snacks at a movie theater to watch Shall We Dance

we got box lunches then it was Richard Gear, Susan Sarandon and Jennifer Lopez so I missed practice then the next day he goes you missed practice I go I was at Oprah like what and he said you said you try

to make it and I said yeah I tried what you want me to do get a private jet and he said you know what I'm sick of your attitude and so is everyone else and I said I'm sick of you and then I never I had to quit and so that's a story I got into a car

and the only address I remember it was 420 surf that's a cool street and so I went to my friend's house thinking I was going to get sympathy like I'd be like oh my god I got arrested it's so sad but she was midway through an abortion and I was like okay stealing my thunder

but she like did the pills at home so that was like a learning lesson too you know what I mean everyone always someone's in the middle of an abortion life's alright okay oh something terrible happened to me in second grade

this girl Jen Reese eventually she goes I've just been using you for erasers because we had like eraser collections and I was like heartbroken um so mean I did meet someone a couple weeks ago that listens to my podcast and they said something

and I was like oh my god that's so wild that you know that and she goes yeah you talk about yourself a lot and that's been going through my head right now but I love a theme um okay college but what is oh never mind I don't want to tell that whatever

I got arrested in college too after my friends picked me up they asked me for gas money that's mean right like I just was not raised like that um I like I've had a hard day alright

I don't know you'd be obsessed with that one um I hope I remember it but okay I'm gonna thank you so much I had so much fun I had a great high school career that was I think I went a little

I think I spanned all of my educational career I hope that's okay it was perfect I feel like you've led a thousand more lives than me you think so I was a nobody a nothing burger in high school um I don't think I was I mean I ate lunch in the library sometimes

that's cool yeah yeah but you did shit I wouldn't even go to the library like that's how little shit I did what did why what were you doing video games yeah a lot of video games some not even video games just staring at the television yeah nothing plugged in at all

did you go to the movies uh occasionally if my parents wanted like you know somebody else there with them okay you see you on date night what was the best high school party you went to that you didn't get in trouble for

I don't know if I partied I was on the swim team theater party is not good um I'm trying to think yeah when I was a senior my good friends were already in college and we had fun parties

honestly there's no stories here I'm sorry I guess I seemed fun and I'm not I really gave a good show but here I am I can't remember one party I remember drinking I remember drinking with people but I don't remember big parties there was one party I missed

but everyone was watching the dad's porn and I don't know if I wanted to do that like his collection or he was in the porn no collection you've done that I was joking I feel you I also swim oh yeah

and did theater wait were you a swimmer yes it's two days you never see the sun I'd say I'm denying it PM that's two you're lying well it was it doesn't matter but it was first first swim practice in the morning

school till 3 30 second swim practice till 5 30 theater rehearsal 6 to 9 oh my god nobody cares well I got in trouble because Charlotte's Web I was in Charlotte's Web as our conferences were happening

and my swim coach was like you've got to choose I'm like let me just be in this play I'm not that good at swimming I did get a JV record though what was it it was 118 that's hard what about prom homecoming

dances any stories thoughts or emotions it was like this is horrific I can't believe this is happening to me I asked this boy to homecoming and he said no

I'm sorry did he give you a maybe I'll think about it he said no which is fine but then he went with my group of people alone anyways I'd rather go stag in a group it's like psycho then stand next to you in a picture

he was one of those people like I'm going to join the military but then 9 11 happened and he didn't and it's like why don't you just join it you know what I mean now they need you more than ever fake military people are worse than you had to come here you're doing push-ups and thinking you're cool

but whatever I broke up for no reason it's all the bad politics of being in the military without any of the valor or self-sacrifice yeah sorry I have a whole assay about this I'm at war

how was the college application process for you did you go to college be honest I don't know what he asked I was going to say be honest regardless of what oh okay so I did go to three different colleges so I went to Iowa State

and that wasn't really for me go cyclones yeah there was like horses on the campus I was on the agriculture floor I was on the agriculture team no you weren't I'm sorry that's the only way I know how to talk continue

what was the second school and can I name their mascot that's all I'm thinking about no it's not a real school I went to Columbia College in Chicago not university did someone go to Columbia College my friend Amanda Ferry went your parents how old are you

he went to Columbia university or college and what did you study that's cool so it's like an artsy community college that's expensive in downtown Chicago and I majored in music business

I am tone deaf so that was dumb and then I was like maybe I'll just be a gym teacher and so I went to North Park University I'm fostering Kedzie in Chicago because that's where my gym teacher Mr. Tate went I was like I'll go here

and then it was an evangelical Christian college you didn't know until you arrived I thought it was like Loyola Notre Dame like you could still be normal but it's like a Christian college of America you could still be normal no these people are like I went in open minded and left being like I hate you

like they were out of control just like yeah, wild, wild Christians but then I found stand up and then I switched to sociology and that was chill and then sociology is fun what is cheating on a test

when you're majoring in music business look like is it you like under the desk hitting a metronome truly I can't even remember I can't even tell you I was a blur of a time I worked at a really cool hair salon though

I feel like you got a lot of great life skills during all three tenures you learned how to cut hair not cut hair, I was a receptionist but I learned how to schedule the big four well thank you so much I don't want to end on that

why don't you guys tell me why are you three words to sum up your high school experience people know so much about me um three words like sports

three words I'll say friendships nice savage that's a good one this isn't one word but we have really good bagels friendship bagels friendship bagels

and you know what Mr. Ortman my theater teacher yes love it fuck yeah I love bagels should I leave you give it up

give it up for bagels give it up for poppy seeds and Mr. Ortman I went to college was it tight for you? I met a lot of great people I have a quick question this is rumored as an athlete that the theater kids

was constantly fucking every theater party was an orgy yeah it was weirdly like real was that for real? for real? I was never part of it he was like in the corner of the orgy with a fucking fleshlight

Adam and Eve mobile I stole this from my mom it's not what it sounds like I didn't even know I'm here I didn't even get the invite it's me on the quad that Monday being like would you guys get up to this weekend you're itchy you're really itchy

I was on an improv team of eight people through college and so we were kind of like don't fuck each other damn nobody listened but not orgies I'm sorry do you guys feel like you're back to school do you guys feel like you're back to school

we're going to be doing these every month really what do you think for October November themes that's awesome that's really cool what do you think the next one should be what do you think we put it all in one person

they all yell Thanksgiving and unison it could be Thanksgiving in October no I think it would be fun Halloween we all get dressed up this is mad problematic this is why you weren't invited to the orgies man right

don't want to dress up thank y'all for coming this was fun give it up for yourselves and until next time peace thanks again hit dumb original