If I Were You - Testing Testing: Fatherhood

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

Back on a Thursday and testing our ability/knowledge about bringing a human into this world (or not.)Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Back on a Thursday. It feels good. Yes, it feels right. Yeah, it's been, God, it's been at least, what, a week since the last Thursday episode? I think so. Yeah, just about seven days. Crazy how that happens. Yeah. Nuts. So, in this episode, you have not just not one, but two.

It's a calendar quiz. A calendar quiz. Okay, let's start with what? January data trivia. We'll move on to February. No, I have two quizzes to test, really. They're around the same subject. I think one is more technical. One is a little more of a feeling type of deal.

Uh-oh, because, yeah, you already gave me an emotional intelligence test, which was a little too visually stimulating for me, actually. Seeing all those people smiling kind of scared me and put me off. So, I'm hoping this one is more auditory slash linguistic based. Let's hear what it is. What's the theme of today's episode? Are you ready to be a dad? Wow. Okay. Yeah. And this test will let me know that if I am or not?

Yeah, it's going to let you know if you're ready to be a father. Okay. And I think it's high time that you dadded yourself. I think this is your responsibility to tell me that. This is your decision to make. You're dragging your feet. I think it's time you brought another life into the world. This world won't even be here in 40 years.

Why would I throw someone into them? Can you imagine what they would feel like when they're my age? I mean, at that point, all the polar ice caps will melt. All of the sea kelp in the ocean will lead to mass. You're sort of proving that you're not. You don't have like the wherewithal to be a dad. But let's get into the technical aspects. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Amir, how long would you let your or should you let your newborn cry at night before picking them up? Less than one minute, five to 10 minutes, 10 to 15 minutes until they stop. Wow. So I have enough friends with babies that I've been able to ask them some of these questions. This one doesn't sound to like some of them, you know, they do sleep training. I know for the first three months, you have to literally wake them up every three or four hours

and feed them or else they'll be malnourished. That's the hard part. Okay. So this one is maybe more like, they don't want you to like cry and then rush in there and pick them up. Five to 10 minutes feels maybe right or 10 to 15. I've narrowed it down to the middle two because the last one is just ignore them all night, right? Right. Yeah. Until they stop. Let's go.

It's really a coin flip between five to 10. 10 is a long time for just unadulterated crying. But then do you really want them to go for 15? Okay. Five to 10 final answer. Five to 10. For the record, I think this is way off. Really?

Yeah. I think it's newborn less than a minute. It could be dying. I see. Oh, that's the answer? No, no, no. I don't know what the answer is. Oh, God.

Because you don't, you're not a father either, right? Yeah. I'm not ready to do that. Yeah. How many times a day does the average newborn need to feed? Oh, I know this one. I need to feed. I know this one.

It's three or four hours. Every four hours is one of the answers. Yeah. So you're saying we don't know the answers until the end of the quiz? It seems like it. Okay. All right. Of course this could easily be one of those.

I'm going to try to test the quizzes to see if they're like a, um, at the end pay for your results or sign up for this newsletter. But you know, there's no fucking telling anymore. Yeah. At the end it's like, all right, what's your address? And here's, can we have $80 to let you know if you're ready? Okay. All right.

So what's the number one never leave home without an item you should bring for an afternoon at the park with your six month old. Wow. Okay. Passifier. Um, well, let me give you the answers. The phone, uh, a muslin or other soft cloth. The video camera, which is, you know, the same as the phone must be an old quiz.

Yeah. A nappy or soft toys. This one seems a little subjective. I mean, I do need my phone. Maybe I need the other shit too. So don't like, tell me that I don't need my phone. Like I'm not okay without the phone. And then I just need a nappy.

Is this a fucking quiz brought to you by nappy? What are these answers? Is your wallet? Yeah. I need that. I need the phone. Like the stuff, like the everyday carry items will be, that's on me. I'll have that.

What does the baby need? Yeah. What does the baby need? Does the baby need a mus... The baby doesn't need your phone. This is sponsored content. Doesn't need a muslin. Yeah.

I guess it needs, I guess it needs a muslin or what was the other one? A nappy soft toys. It seems like it's up to the baby at that point. But I'll go fine. Give me a fucking nappy. Give me a nappy ass nap. Okay. Nice.

What size should you buy your nine month old new clothes? What size should you buy? Six to nine months, 10 to 16 pounds, 12 to 18 months or small. Quiz sucks. This sucks. Not you, but the way it's written really pisses me off. You want to buy a six month old a gift? What about your nine month old clothes?

Yeah. So do you get a nine to 18 or a small? Yeah. Six to 18, six to nine months, 10 to 16 pounds or small. This quiz was written by a newborn. They like don't know how to like write quizzes. Those don't even overlap, right? Like six to nine or 10 to 16 or 16 pounds or small.

That's right. There's not an option that is like 10. There's no option of months between nine and 10. Nine to 12. Yeah. There's just a little bit of a gap. I guess you get it a little large and hope the fucker grows into it. And now I'm starting to really resent the accusation that I'm not ready to be a father

because I don't think this person's ready to be a quiz. So 12 to 18 months or 10 to 16 pounds? They are eight dollars. The months one. The months one. 12 to 18 months. Nice. What sort of present would your partner turned mum appreciate the most?

Yeah. This is entirely subjective. You don't get to tell me what my mom. This is a quiz about the relationship. I guess it's a whole family dynamic. What sort of present would your partner turned mum appreciate the most? Let's hear it. An outfit for the baby.

No. A bouquet of flowers. Okay. A voucher to pamper herself with a facial massage or manicure and the time off to do it. Actually to buy the voucher, you can spend $80 right now and we'll give you the rest of the quiz plus the results. Let's go for the fucking voucher to pamper, although she would like the flowers. That's also a nice gift.

Don't tell me that it's not. I don't even understand what's, this is taking the weirdest turn. I think my computer has a virus. What to Greco, Perego and McLaren all have in common. Got it. So now this is just a cartrivia quiz. The quiz has gotten bored with itself and now it's asking me questions about something else.

Yeah. They were heroes in World War I. They make pasta and tomato sauce. They make sturdy push chairs or they are makers of fine wine. Let's go for the push chairs because I, maybe that has something to do with children. Oh, that's got to be right. Which one of these should you use to clean your baby's umbilical cord? Oh my God.

Clean the cord? Yeah. Clean the cord. Rubbing alcohol, antiseptic, plain water or mild underperfumed soap and soap and water or baby shampoo? I guess baby shampoo because it's already in the name baby. Baby is in the name shampoo. So give the baby baby shampoo.

Which one of these words just doesn't belong? I'm serious. This one shouldn't be here. Yeah. Let's hear it. Dula. Uh-huh. Babygro.

Yup. Pixel. Okay. Or swaddle. Okay. Dula I think is like some sort of spiritual helper to help the mommy give birth to the child. Yeah.

Pixel, no idea. The third one was swaddle. Last one was swaddle. Third one was pixel. The second one was babygro. Babygro. Um babygro. Never heard of that one either.

Um yeah I guess which one doesn't belong I'll say Dula and hope that the other three are products. Oh interesting. Very interesting. Definitely wrong but that's an interesting idea. Yeah. Pixel is not a product. It's a little a dot on a computer screen that one doesn't belong.

Too late. Where should the baby sit in the car when you bring them home from the hospital? On your partner's lap in the back seat, in an infant car seat facing forward in the front seat, in an infant car seat facing backward in the front seat, or in an infant car seat facing backward in the back seat. Back words in the back seat. By the way, I can learn all this stuff so it doesn't mean that I'm not ready to be a father just because I don't know it yet.

I was ambushed with this quiz for a podcast. The nurse can just give me the heads up if necessary. What should you always bring your partner when she breast feeds a glass of water to magazine? A voucher to get pampered. Her favorite beer or her phone or tablet. Now I hate you. I've moved on from disliking the quiz to hating you for giving it to me.

Yeah. Totally. This sucks to see. It sucks to hear. Don't tell me what my wife needs when she's breastfeeding. This is me passing the quiz. You're ready for it. That's right.

This quiz is meant to intimidate and annoy you until you stand up for yourself and your baby. Every good dad has a backbone like that. Yeah, I think my woman needs a beer, a fucking lager while she's breastfeeding our boy and it is a boy because he drinks Coors Light just like his old man straight from the teat. Tap the Rockies brother. What was the last one? Her phone or tablet.

You got water, magazine, beer or phone. Let's give her a water and if she wants a fucking beer, she'll let me know. And did I mention she doesn't read magazines and she definitely does not need this Google Fire tablet that I got as a Christmas gift eight years ago and don't know how to turn on anymore. Instead of a voucher. What's the average amount of time it takes for a baby to sleep through the night? Three weeks, three months, 12 months or two years?

I believe this one is three months. Yeah. I'll call it the fourth trimester. That sounds right to me. Got to keep the baby alive, awake and fed for three months. I know that. Baby blues refers to songs women sing in the delivery room. No.

A woman's sadness and moodyness after giving birth. Moodyness. That seems a little charged and mean. Okay. Yeah, definitely. Well, are you being moody right now? You're postpartum moodyness. You're being grumpy.

I have a beard and a bag. There's a Vogue and a Heineken. Cheer up, Charlie. This quiz was written by someone that was not ready to be a dad. The last option is infant Chelsea supporters. Oh, nice. So you got this from like a footballer, babycenter.co.uk, is what she wrote the quiz. The sadness one after having a baby.

Yeah. That makes sense. Your partner is so sleep deprived that she can't see straight. You call your glasses. Call my mother or her mother. Call your mother. Bring her her favorite beer. Is that true?

No. I'll sit down. But they are call your mother, ask your mother-in-law to come for a visit, offer to do the 2am feeding or hire a night nurse. I mean, those all sound fine. I guess calling your mother doesn't really do anything. That's just sort of you letting your own mom know what the situation is. You could call her mom, but that seems kind of fucked up like, hey, will you take care

of your daughter? She can't see straight. Come get your girl. The last two seem great. I mean, you take care of the 2am feeding. She gets to sleep a little more. I mean, honestly, the night nurse also sounds fine because then somebody else is taking care of not just the two, but the six, then you can sleep through the night.

Right. But four is probably better. So hire a night nurse. That's the answer. I mean, I doubt that's their official answer, but that's my answer, but let's go for, let's do the 2am feeding, then it's like you actually helping. Okay. Gotcha.

What's the recommended position for sleeping babies? Tummy side back in their car seat. Tummy side back. I believe it's back. I believe it is too. Okay. So thank God we do get the answers. Oh, Jesus.

How did we do? You've got, it looks like, all right, so you got the first one wrong. It's less than one minute. Okay. You actually got the second one wrong. It is eight to 15 times a day versus four hours. Okay. You got the next one, right?

The nappy, not a muslin, I guess. You nailed the new clothes, 12 to 18 months. Good stuff. Nice. You got the voucher correct. Oh. Yeah. That's the present.

That's good. That your significant other would appreciate this quiz new. Okay. They make sturdy push chairs. That's what McLaren does. Good stuff. Nice. You're going to want to clean the umbilical cord with plain water.

Interesting. Not even shampoo. Okay. Okay. The word that did not belong was pixel, not doula. Yes. Um, infant car seat facing backward on the way home. That's correct.

Nice. That's the water when your partner's breastfeeding. Good stuff. Not a beer. Yeah. Um, average amount of time it takes a baby to sleep through the night was three months, indeed. Nailed it.

Baby blues was the moodiness. Yup. Uh, offered to do the 2 a.m. feeding. You were right not to hire the night nurse and the baby sleeps on their back. Oh, so what? Is that 12 out of 15, 11 out of 15? Uh, yeah. Something like that.

Something like that. Does it say whether I'm ready or not? Uh, it does not, actually. Got it. So, I guess, jury's still out on that, huh? I don't know what a pixel is, so I don't know if I'm ready to raise a child. You lost your temper a little bit. You are not ready.

Let's say you're not ready. Actually, why don't you give me a beer and a voucher? We'll take a break and then you can give me another quiz on the other side of these messages. That's perfect. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the

doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So, Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute, honestly, like BuzzFeed Lite quiz.

I know how to sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it, ass. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Yes, this is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So, regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium, or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and

they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're returned, wow, two dads ready to have a chat, ready to have another test. Okay. Right. Now we're doing another, are you ready to be a parent quiz?

But this seems like it's more about raising than rearing. Is that the, those are two different things, right? Raising or rearing? I don't know what the difference is. Is that the first question? Rearing is like making it. No, no, no. I'm just, that was just me kind of like making the alliteration, but, got it.

So here's the question. Oh, this is like past newborn. Yeah. This is like, I think you're like having a teenager or something or like a young child. Okay. What age do you think it is best to become a parent, uh, 16 to 20, 21 to 30, 31 to 45 or 45 plus? 21 to 30, I mean, 30 feels good cause you're still like young enough to, um, have the energy

to deal with it while not being too old. What was the one above that? Uh, 31 to 45. That's a wider range. So I gotta go for that one just cause there's more options in there. Yeah. This, I mean, this is also subjective so far. Yeah.

Okay. Your four year old daughter. So congrats. You have a four year old is throwing a fit because you won't let her have three bags of chips at the grocery store. You've given her the option of one bag or leaving empty handed. She's yelling and stomping by the cash register. What do you do next?

I grab her little grubby wrist and I say, listen up you little shit. I already, sorry, I gave you the option. I gave her the option. It's the first option of this, of this quiz right here. Get a tight grip on her wrist and drag her out of the store while she screams her little heart out and all the other shoppers stand idly by with terrified looks on their faces. That's one of the options. I love that one, but let's hear what the other ones are, I guess.

Buy her the three bags of chips then on the way home, explain to her that what she did was wrong and temporarily confiscate the chips until she apologizes or until you feel she has understood what she did wrong. That one seems a little extreme by the chips and give her positive feedback. She's just a little girl. Let her have what she wants. Jesus Christ. God, this last one is so whispered to her that you hate her and are very, very mad and

that if she doesn't get up right now, she's going to get it when you get home. I honestly like that last one seems pretty fucked up, but like it's been like it's been week after week of this shit and I'm really I had it up to here with this fucking toddler really. So I have to what whispered to her that I hate her because she wants the chips. God, that's hard. I think I'll go with the second one, which no, wait, what was the second one is by the chips but explain that she was bad and then temporarily confiscate the chips.

That one also doesn't seem great. That one doesn't seem ideal. None of these seem right. Yeah. But that one feels like I guess the least mean because one of them is to grab her by the wrist and the other one is to whisper I hate you, so we're really down to two options and then the third one is just like give in to her, which doesn't feel good either. So let's go for the number two.

Okay. Cool. It's Saturday and you're going out with your little boy. You watch from a bench as he runs up and down the slide and plays with his friends. Then you watch him walk up to the man sitting on the bench across from you. Jesus. Run after him and give your son a rerun of the don't talk to strangers lecture in front of the fucking guy.

Yeah. Watch cautiously and wait until your son has stopped talking to him and continues playing. There are many people around. He wouldn't do anything, right? Walk casually up to your son and ask him a question or divert his attention. Tell him that you're going to go take him out for ice cream or challenge him to go on the big slide. Don't fucking spoon feed me so much of what I have to say to my fucking boy.

Just say I can go up to him and talk to him. I don't have to promise him ice cream and I don't have to challenge him to go on the big flag. Hey buddy, you want to go on the big slide? Don't talk to fucking strangers, Connor. You're scaring me. Last option, walk up to him quickly and hold him by the ear as you drag him away, then yell at him, take him home and promise never to take him anywhere again because he's

stupid and he never listens. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. I think I'm ready to be at the very least an uncle for these answers. I mean, easily you're a better dad than anyone that wrote these quizzes. Yeah. Just to be so fucked up that you suggest these things. I'm going to say go up to him, divert his attention, offer him ice cream and challenge

him to go on the slide. I mean, you're a boy after all. You can grow some hair on your chest. Why don't we play catch, Todd? Throwing a toy card his head. Wow, this is so funny. Oh my God. You and your spouse are going out tonight and your son, Alex, is going to stay home

with Bella, his babysitter. So now they're naming everybody. Yeah. You and Alex go over the house rules and you leave. You come home a few hours later and find that since you left, Alex has not been cooperating and refuses to take part in any of the activities Becca has planned for him, even though you know he loves those games. Bella has reported that he continuously repeats the phrase, you're not my mom and I don't

have to listen to you. What do you do? Option one, dismiss Bella and start looking for a new babysitter. It's absurd for her to be making such complaints of a child his age. He's only a little boy. What was she thinking? It's always like one terrible thing, two fine things, and then terrible in the other way for the fourth.

Yeah, let's hear it. Number two, have a nice chat with your son and offer him fucking lasagna. Before sending Bella home for the night, you talk it out with Alex and make sure he understands the problem. Have him apologize to Bella, promise not to misbehave like that again and give her a hug before she leaves. Send Bella home for the night with some extra pay and forget this ever happened. He'll grow out of it.

Sincerely apologize to Bella and tell her that you'll take care of the situation after she leaves. Drag Alex to his room by his collar. Oh no. Oh no. Shut the door behind him and let him know who's boss. Let him cry himself to sleep while you yell at him from downstairs. Yeah, I guess have a nice talk and make him apologize to the babysitter is better than

dragging him into his room, throwing him in there and letting him cry himself to sleep. They made, I feel like this quiz is going to give a lot of people a false notion that they're ready to be a dad because it's not hard. The bar is not high. Just don't physically and emotionally abuse your child. You've been trying to potty train your son, Alex. They didn't say Alex, but I just remembered from earlier that that's his name now. But he still wets his bed.

How do you react? Thread him to beat him up every time he wets himself. He'll get the message and try harder not to have any more accidents this way. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's either abuse or overindulging him because this next one is start a reward system with him. Reward him for every day that he doesn't have accidents. This way he'll be encouraged to use the potty more often.

Oh, that one sounds nice. Drown in a state of depression. Yell in the streets that your child is the devil incarnation and he's going to kill you. That's not true. That's not true. To God, that's what this says. I can't make it up.

What? Wait, become depressed, cry in the street and yell to strangers that your son is the devil. Yell in the streets that your child is the devil's incarnation and he's going to kill you. And the last option is try to use reverse psychology on him. Say things like, only little babies wear diapers. Jesus Christ. Big boys don't have accidents.

Oh my God, this quiz was written by someone who barely made it out of his childhood alive, I guess. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I guess the reward system sounds nice rather than throwing yourself into a fit of depression and yelling to strangers that you gave birth to Damien, the son of Satan. All right, reward system it is. It's dinner time and your daughter won't eat.

She was eating chips just moments before. You got her three backs for Christ's sake. How is this my problem? And you've taken them away from her because it was time to eat dinner. She says she doesn't want vegetables, she just wants her chips back. Chips back. She says, pick her up and drop her on her bed, lock the door and leave her in her room without dinner for the night.

Then go back downstairs and eat your dinner peacefully while in the distance your daughter is screaming and banging on the door. It's quite enough actually. I don't want to hear this shit anymore. It's such a long. I don't want to abuse this child. It's like, you know that the fucking, this is the wrong answer based on the first three words of it.

Yes. Don't touch her. Don't throw her. Don't yell at her. It includes something you do after you've done the wrong thing. Teaser her about her muscles and tell her that the only way she'll ever be strong is to eat her vegetables. Then race her saying that you want to eat them so you can be stronger and let her beat

you to them. Ignore her and don't give her any attention. It's happened before. If you don't give in to her, she'll eventually give up and realize that she's hungry and will join you at the dinner table. Negotiate with her. Tell her she can have this many chips if she eats this many vegetables. Let's do the negotiation one.

Yeah, I think so. That one seems nice. God, this is such a long question. It's a Thursday. Your spouse is away and you have an essay new Friday that you need to finish. Just you checked, sorry, last time you checked up on your daughter, she was sitting at the dining room table coloring in her new Barbie coloring book. You've only been away from her for 30 minutes at a time.

While you were working, you heard a loud crash like glass shattering. You run down the stairs and find your daughter standing in the middle of the room nervously with her hands in her pockets. When you ask her what happened, she refuses to say a word. You hunt around the house and can find no sign of anything missing for out of place. You're on the verge of tears. You're growing insane looking for glass. And surely no broken glass.

What do you do? Wait until your spouse comes home and then explain the situation. Then call her over and talk to her as if you've already know what happened. Did you break it or did it fall? Why didn't you tell me? Can you show me where you were standing when it happened? And from that, you will find out where it is and what broke. Sit down on the ground and cry like your life is over and you're going to hell.

Stop it. Absolutely stop it. This is not that kind of big of a deal. You don't have to fucking call your kid the devil. You don't have to break down in tears. Oh my God, threaten to beat her up if she doesn't tell you what happened right now. Threaten to what? Beat her up.

Explain to your daughter that you are not upset and the importance of her telling you what happened. Now I know something broke, but I don't know where it is, so I can't clean the mess. Do you want mommy and daddy to come home later and accidentally step on the glass? That would really hurt, right, et cetera. Let's go. Which one was the one that threatened to beat her up? No, actually let's do the last one.

Yeah, let's do the last one then. You know, this is truly wild. All right, your best friend is a kindergarten teacher. She asks you to come in and help her out one day and you've agreed. She tells you to watch the class as she goes out to pick up some things for the kids. What an insane situation. This would never happen. While she's gone, one child comes up to you and tells you every little thing that everyone

else is doing. How will you deal with it? Explain the difference between telling and tattling. Tattling is what you do when someone needs to be told. If someone is being hurt or made fun of or having something taken away from them, that's when you're supposed to tell, but tattling is different. Tattling is when you tell on someone for no reason. Like if Joshua was going to say, we get it, we know what tattling is, Chris, that's too

long of an answer choice, insane. This next one is the first time that something is written in all caps. It says, look kid, I don't care what he's doing. If you come up here one more time, I'll dot, dot, dot. So I guess that's where did you find this quiz? What website is this? This is not okay. It's called gotoquiz.com slash are you ready to be a parent one?

Jesus, one? There's more than this? It's one of a hundred. Michael, if you tell on someone again today, you're going to have to sit in the red chair by yourself and you can't play any more games. Not the red chair, please. No, not the red chair. Run around the classroom like a four year old with your hands over your ears yelling,

I can't hear you, la, la, la. Honestly they all sounded pretty bad to me. Not that they're done. Was it the first one? The first one sort of went on for a while, but maybe it was fine. Just explaining the difference between telling and tattling. Yeah. One seems nice.

Right. Okay, we have five more questions. Jesus Christ, okay. You and your daughter have just left the corner store. She was there seeking chips, this little chip bean. Is that true? No. Jesus.

You and your daughter have just left the corner store and you surprised her with a candy bar you bought for her. You expect her to get excited, but she doesn't. She pulls two chocolate bars out from her pocket and says that she already has some. When you ask her where she got it, she answers. Stepdaddy gave them to me. He lets me have all the candy. And you think I'm Satan?

The store has a lot of them. You know now that she stole them. How do you react? You know now. It's official. She basically owned up to the heist. Just read the bad one, I guess, because that's the most entertaining option. Okay, I guess this one seems like it's also pretty bad.

Talk to her about stealing and how bad it's a bad thing to do and that thieves go to jail and make her feel bad about it. Then have her go back to the store, apologize to the man behind the register, yada yada. Take the chocolate bars from her and yell at her for embarrassing you like that. Then while she's crying, pick her up and buckle her into her car seat, call her names and cuss at her on the way home. Jesus Christ, that's an awesome move. Tell her that it was stupid of her to go and do something like that and then leave

a $5 bill in the window of the store, then go home. Try to cover it up and to not make a scene of it that you're not faced with the embarrassment of a daughter who steals chocolate bars. Jesus Christ. Yeah, let's go with the first one. The one that's not calling her names and cursing at her, obviously. You took your son to the park today and saw him snatch one of the toys from the hands of a younger child.

You know him well enough and you know he's not much for sharing. You see the other boy pick up a different toy and he's not upset. How do you deal with your son? Later, walk past him while he's eating his favorite kind of candy and emphasize how good it is. Then when he asks for some, tell him no and explain to him that you don't like to share. He will bring up the fact that sharing is a good thing to do and then you make your point. You didn't share at the park, did you?

Oh my God, it's so fucking manipulative. Take all of his toys away from him and give them away to the other children at the park. Tease him and laugh at him because he has nothing. No, stop it. Enough. You're being too mean. The writing on this is amazing. It's so creative.

Ignore it and he'll be fine. The other kid's okay too. Yell, hey, that's rude. Yeah, I mean the last one's not great either, but it's certainly the less of all the evils, right? I guess. It feels like they want the right answer to be this weird fucking fucked up manipulative one, the first one.

Oh right, forgot about that one. I think these are all wrong. Do you want to say the walk past him with his favorite kind of candy bar and say that you don't share either or do you want to say, yell, hey, that's rude? Let's go to the first one. Okay. Hey, that's rude. It's like what you do to a stranger, a fully grown man.

Hey. Right. If someone steals your toy. All right. Come back here. Today after school, you went to your child's school to pick them up. You showed up a bit early, so you were just watching the classes. They're packing up their things and getting ready to go home.

On the side, you can see your son and two of his friends playing with one of the class toys, a green dinosaur. And then you see that your son has pushed one of the other boys to the ground and took the toy from him. What would you do? Similar to the last one, hold him by the ear and yell at him until you reach the car. Ask him why he did it. Explain there's no good reason to hit anyone and make him apologize.

Make him apologize and tell him that he's grounded and he cannot play any of his games for a week. Hit your head against the wall and cry because the world is ending. You made this quiz. It's obvious now. You sort of, you're trolling me into making this emotionally manipulative fucked up quiz. At this point, it's going to be really interesting if you don't get a hundred percent. I want to see what one we could have possibly gotten wrong.

Well, some of them are kind of debatable in that they're all pretty bad. There's usually one option choice per question that should land you in jail, honestly. At the very least, yeah, definitely at least one that lands you in jail, but this quiz at the very least has one answer that it seems pretty obvious they want you to choose. Yeah. So I'd be surprised if we didn't at least get that. Anyway, what do you want to do? Hold him by the ear, ask him why he did it, make him apologize, no games, or hit your

head against the wall. Let's go make him apologize because hitting your own head against the wall doesn't sound like a great idea either. Actually, the two of these have make him apologize. One is asking why he did it, explain there's no good reason to hit anyone, then make him apologize. The other one is make him apologize and tell him he's grounded. I guess the first one, that way you're like sort of explaining something rather than punishing.

It's nearly 9.30 at night. You tell your son to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. He cries and begs for more time than says, it's not fair. I'm not tired. And how come you don't have to go to sleep? Answer him with because then all caps, so it's because dot dot dot all caps, I'm big and you're small. Agree to start going to sleep at 9.30 every day.

Explain to him that you're already grown up so you don't need as much time to sleep as he does and that he needs to sleep so he can grow or scold him for even asking such a thing. Just explain to him shit rather than scolding him more. So yeah, he needs it so he can grow, I guess. I gotta say, I would be very, I don't think I'll be able to resist the temptation when I'm a dad to say things like, because I'm big and you're small. I'll have to just say it under my breath.

Well, it's easy to say what you'll do, but I think when you're sort of sleep deprived, annoyed and angry, people sort of resort to less than ideal measures. I keep hearing stories from my friends that are like, I'm a pretty level headed guy, but then I saw my kid do something really fucked up and that like it made me want to like, I don't know, like they said, lift them up and put them onto a bed hard or yell or raise my voice or grab him or do something bad. Yeah, definitely. Okay, you and your son are having a good day.

No problem so far. This kid is the devil's incarnation as we have established. Yet. Finally, he has a mood swing and feels like, like not listening to you. He ignores everything you say and denies anything that is deniable and says, I don't have, I don't have any, I don't have to do anything for you whenever you tell him to do something. What do you do? Give him the silent treatment and isolate him.

Do the same thing right back at him, sent him forcibly, if necessary, to his room and tell him that he cannot come out until he's sorry. Wrecking the house and throwing things because life is not worth living anymore. This guy wants to kill himself it seems. So don't blame your kid. You're like, obviously dealing with your own shit. But yeah, this is such a fucked up family situation. What was the nice one?

The one with the explanation and the sort of taking it easy, not the one where you threaten to kill yourself in front of your child. There are actually really isn't one. Just give him the silent treatment and isolate him. Do the same thing right back at him, send him forcibly, if necessary, to his room and tell him he cannot come out until he's sorry. Those are the other three. God, I mean the silent treatment doesn't seem good either.

But the other stuff feels so bad. The other things are like obviously wrong. So let's go silent treatment and just hope for the best. Yeah. You got a 96% Jesus Christ. Is it the one where I said I would hit my head and pass out in front of my four-year-old if she stole chips? It doesn't say, it does not say, it doesn't say which one you missed.

That's a bad quiz. Nor should it. That's a bad quiz. Because it doesn't let you learn. Okay, but yeah, you did kick ass. That's nice. Yeah, thank you. I think, God, I think I'm ready to be a father.

I know that you're not supposed to call your kid the devil and you're not supposed to sort of hit them until they faint. And I think that's all it takes, right? And knowing what the baby blues are and remembering to bring a nappy to the park. It's really all about bringing a nappy. I think I'm not ready to be a father, but then I look around and I think most people aren't ready and a lot of them already have children, so I guess maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

You know what? Yeah, definitely. I mean, I got a fucking 96 for crying out loud. It's pretty good. It's pretty damn good. Check back in with me in nine months when I'm delivering at home my boy and I'm giving my mom a fucking beer and a magazine. Oh, man, fucking nozzle.

Thank you. Thank you for giving me the nudge I needed and thanks to you guys for listening to another bonus testing, testing episode of this year program. Oh, yeah. Our first Jake and Amir went up recently, so check that out at jakeandamir.com. New one, new episode, I should say. Damn right. It's been a minute.

It's been a while. Yeah, it's been a minute. Check it out. And until Monday, we'll be back on Monday soon enough. So see you guys soon. Shit. All right. Bye.

Bye. That was a hit gum original.