If I Were You - Testing Testing: Psychopath Test

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Back on a Thursday and Jake is testing Amir's emotional IQ. Then a few ink blot tests to determine whether or not Amir is a psychopath so he can stay far away from him just in case.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. All right, we are back on a Thursday. On a Thursday. Hell yes. Nice. This is an official tradition at this point. This will be our third testing testing Thursday bonus episode. I think it's four.

Is it four? But who's counting? I mean, clearly not me. This one's kind of a special one because it is your birthday as well. An August 5th episode of our podcast. That actually is a pretty big deal. Yeah. I assume in this week you're going to be testing me on something.

Last week I gave you a porn quiz. You did pretty well. But not too well to the point where it was embarrassing. It was normal. The week before you gave me a scuba quiz and then the first week was me giving you a spelling beat. That's right. I'm really curious to find out.

I still don't know what you're going to be testing me on today. Yeah. Well, because people often talk about you as if you are a robot, you know that reputation that you have aside from Chipmunk. Yeah. Emotionless. Never feel high. Never feel low.

Middle of the road. So we are going to be giving you an emotional intelligence test. Wow. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know that such a thing existed. Now I'm feeling kind of, oh, you just shared your screen with me and I'm starting to get freaked out.

Right. You see what I see. The reason I had to share my screen is because this test has images that we'll have to describe to people. I see. Okay. Okay. So we're going to test your emotional intelligence.

Facial expressions are a universal language of emotion. How well do you read other people? Oh, interesting. Well, I think this is, I'll be good at this because much like the Terminator, I'm able to sort of read facial cues and sort of analyze them in real time. So you see this face? Yeah. It is a woman who's, well, actually, I'll let you describe, well, no, I can do that.

All right. So yeah, she's smiling. Yeah. Her eyes are open. She's staring at you. It's not a wide smile, but it's tooth smile. And we're asking, this face is expressing flirtatiousness, interest, happiness, or politeness. Wow.

Okay. But I fear to guess flirtatiousness just on a standard rule. I'm like, I can never just assume someone's flirting with me, so I can eliminate that one. But the difference between all of those and politeness is very severe. Yeah. I mean, this is almost like a test of this lady's acting ability, too. Like, what if she's trying to pull off politeness, but it's actually happiness?

Or interest. Yeah, you're instantly putting if you get it wrong on her. That's good. Yes. This is her fault. But I guess, I mean, it's any smile could be happy, like you could be interested and also happy or polite and happy. Politeness?

I don't think so. Interest? Maybe. I'll go fucking middle of the road. Let's just start with a softball. Happiness. She's feeling happy. Correct.

Yes. This quiz says that you can tell by the muscles tightening around the eyes, pouching of the lower eyelid, and the lips. The corners of them are pulled up, and that's what we would call in the industry a smile. No, I know what a smile is. Yeah, I get it. All right. I see.

I think I was almost overthinking this quiz. Okay. Yeah, this next person is clearly angry. He's expressing. He's an Asian man, and he looks really mad at me. Eyes are narrowed. Okay. He's like a main anger or disguise.

You think anger? Yeah. Okay. That is correct. I know that. The reason being, you've got the muscles contracting to furrow the brow. Okay, next guy. This guy is, he's got a middle part.

He looks to be a little older than me. He looks like your older cousin. Yeah. He's wearing a black turtleneck. Yeah. This is Barry Hurwitz. He's sort of demure, eyes closed, smiling. Right.

And is he expressing embarrassment, sadness, amusement, or shame? Wow. Well, he's smiling, so it can't be sadness. Amusement feels weird because his eyes are closed and his head is cocked to the left. It could be shame. He sort of feels bad about himself or embarrassment. What's the difference between those two, really, if you were to describe shame or embarrassment? I think embarrassment.

It seems like those are very close. Yeah, but I think embarrassment is a little more lighthearted. You can laugh at yourself when you're embarrassed. Yeah. Oh, there I go again. Silly old me. Yeah. Shame is like deep.

I have something fundamentally flawed inside me and I feel this sense of anger guilt towards something. Which Barry might have, but are you expressing that now? I don't know. He's smiling with his mouth closed, so I'll go embarrassment. All right. That is correct. Nailed it.

Yeah. Head moves down into the side. You know, I sort of use these context clues when I play poker as well, so I have been training for this kind of the last 20 years. Oh, that's interesting. That's very interesting. Yeah. Reading people.

If they're nervous, they might be bluffing and if they're confident, they're just sort of cool and collected and they have a good hand. And actually, that brings us to our next lady who is expressing maybe pride, contempt, excitement or anger. Yeah. Which you might have with a poker hand. This is the lady who was smiling earlier and I said she was happy. Now she's sort of mouth closed, head cocked back, like telling me what up, like what's

up. She's not excited or angry and she's either proud or pride or contempt. I think she's proud. She's sort of like half smiling. Of you? Yeah. And that is correct. Wow.

Head tilt back, thrusted chin and corners up in a slight smile. All right. I'm kicking ass at this. You really are. Maybe I am emotional. Oh, wow. Here's... This guy's also in a black turtleneck.

Yeah. I guess maybe they all are. I didn't see the last person. I've been looking at their faces. Yeah. Do you think this guy's expressing fear, interest, surprise or compassion? This is classic surprised, mouth agape, eyes open. And did I mention a black turtleneck?

Yeah. Correct. Absolutely correct. Our jaws drop when we're surprised, but our lip corners go sideways when we're afraid, making the emotion... Yeah. No, I know. ...look tighter.

I mean, I didn't know that. That's interesting. That's interesting. Eyes go wide when you're surprised. This is one of the easiest ones. I can't believe there's 15 more. Jaws drop with the mouth not tightening. Yeah.

Oh, this lady... What is she? Also in a black turtleneck. Yeah, black turtleneck. She looks like she just fucking crop dusted a yard sale. She's given us the side eye. She's given us the side eye. Her mouth is closed and she's mad at me.

I'm going to go with disgust. Disgust versus content. Not sat. Yeah. Contempt is like what? Like you're kind of unhappy about something that's happening. Yeah. I hold you in low regard.

It's kind of like disgust light. Yeah. Okay. Incorrect. It was contempt. It is contempt. Yeah. She's not quite disgusted with us yet.

Lips tighten on one side of the face, but not the other. If the tightening were on both sides of the face, the person could be swallowing or salivating. Am I disgusted? Or do I just see a hamburger? All right. Whoa. This guy. Oh, yeah.

This is the angry Asian guy from earlier, but his tongue is out. That's the only difference. Right. Anger, pain, disgust. This guy's disgusted. Yeah. That's the face he's doing. That's the tongue out.

Yeah. I'm curious to read why the tongue goes out. People often confuse disgust and anger, but anger tightens the mouth and lowers the eyebrows more significantly and raises the upper eyelid. With disgust, the mouth opens and the tongue comes out. Just in case you need to throw up. Jesus, that's really disgusting. That's interesting.

Oh, here we go. Oh, yeah. All of these people look like they are smelling a fart. Yeah. This quiz could also be described the type of fart these people are smelling. This lady is giving us the side eye with a smile. She's sort of like, who me? Oh, that's really funny.

Maybe playfully touching my elbow. She's made flirtatiousness. Although one of the options is love, so I'll go flirtatiousness, although it might be love. There's also desire. Yeah. These are all kind of similar. These are all kind of like come hither looks. Yeah.

Yeah. Flirtatiousness. Flirtatiousness. Yeah. Head turns to the side. What conveys flirtatiousness is when someone turns his or her head away to signal, I'm not interested in you, but simultaneously makes eye contact. That's a universal display that reflects the ambivalence of flirtation.

The flirter avoids and approaches someone at the same time. Yeah. I think this is like a quiz for sociopaths. I can at the very least fake my way through this answering these questions. This lady looks like she swallowed something terrible, like a pill is not going down properly. I'm supposed to guess whether this face is expressing shame, anger, sadness, or pain. She looks like she's like mid swallow can't look up at anything. It's going down wrong.

I'm going to go with pain. Yeah. Pain. Okay. That's correct. Correct. All right. Yes.

I'm nine of 10 right now. That's pretty good. Not bad at all. Oh, Barry's back. Your cousin's back. Yup. Fully looks constipated, eyebrows up, forehead wrinkled, lips pursed, nostrils flared. Is Barry expressing compassion, sadness, anger, or interest?

He honestly looks like he's trying desperately to take a shit and it's not coming out. So I guess that's compassion. He feels bad for us. Oh, like that kind of face, but like a little bit too. That's correct, but I definitely, Barry, he's not the strongest performer. Here we go. Black turtleneck is back. As always, this lady is head back, cracking up.

She's her mouth is open. Her eyes are lit up. Same lady as the flirtatious look actually. Yes. And she's amused. And she's engaged. Absolutely amusement. Yeah.

Yes. Totally. We've seen that one before. At the live shows. Yeah. Oh, yes. People are happy to be here. This one's interesting.

All right. Very subtle. They're getting a little more subtle. Yeah. The lady who couldn't swallow is now just staring at me with her eyes open, almost in a way that's saying, are you for real? Are you really saying that right now? He's got surprise.

But none of these are, none of these are what I'm gathering. So I'm supposed to guess whether surprise, interest, desire, or happiness. Happiness we saw already. There's no smile. This one looks more skeptical. Desire definitely not. And not surprise. So I think just by process of elimination, I'm going to go interest.

Interest, yeah. I think so too. That's correct. Yeah. And it's the slight forward tilting of the head and the face. That was the telltale sign. It's the slight forward tilting for me. Oh, Barry is back and he is sad.

He was just there for the day rate. This is Barry. You're overdoing it, Barry. Barry looked like he's just absolutely droopy, sad. Barry is sad. He's very expressive. Yeah. Definitely.

Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, dear God. Oh, painful to swallow lady and happy lady is back and she is licking the corner of her fucking mouth, staring at me. So the options are must be. It's got to be desire. I mean, she is.

Yeah. Come hither. Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. That's correct. And their note is open mouth with tongue sticking out. Like, yeah.

It's got to have the tongue. You need the tongue to stick out. The mouth is probably so strongly linked to desire because of the connection to kissing. That's right. That's right. That's right. Quiz. Good job, Berkeley.

Thank you. I actually made this quiz when I was a sophomore in sociology. Oh, dang. Another. This guy looks sad. Yeah. He's sort of looking down at the ground, mouth closed, wondering what the fuck went wrong. He was hired to be an actor and now he's taking photos for this really rudimentary quiz and

he's not happy about it. I'm going to go with, I mean, it could be sad, it could be embarrassment or shame, really. I guess I'll just go with, he's not making eye contact with me. So maybe I'll do shame. Nice. Avoid the gaze. You're starting to pay attention to more than just the mouth, you know what I'm saying? And that is correct.

Yeah. Looking downward. Yep. The expression is frequently confused with sadness, but shame doesn't involve the muscle movement of the sad face. The eyebrows pulled in and partly up with the lip corners moving down. That's, yeah, that's sadness. That's interesting.

Sadness is like, if nobody comes to your birthday tomorrow, that'll be sadness. But like, if you cause them all to leave because of your nasty behavior, that's shame. Right. It's exactly it. It's exactly it. I wouldn't be frowning if that had happened, you know? We have a new person here who is expressing. This is just a random 14-year-old they threw in.

The photo is smaller than everybody else. She's still in the black turtleneck, of course, and she's giving one of the worst smiles I've ever seen. She's like, kind of a skew, barely teeth, kind of not. If this is happiness, you've got to find a new actor. You have to find a new actor. It's got to be politeness because the lips aren't actually, like it's not actually curved up into the smile.

Yeah. She's just sort of being like, thank you, dipshit. Hi. That's, this is basically just making a face that says like, hey, so I'll go politeness. Correct. Yeah. The muscles remain relaxed in the eyes. Look at that.

This is a non-duchenne smile. They got names for this shit. Wow. Oh, this guy's being coy. He's looking down and to the left, smiling, touching his cheek, almost asking for a kiss or something like that. We've already done sadness, shame, and embarrassment. So is this, God, is this love?

Is this love? I would not have guessed it, but it has to be just by process of elimination. Incorrect. It's embarrassed. He's embarrassed. Why is he happy? He's kind of smiling. I guess love and embarrassment are very similar, right?

Are they? I mean, embarrassment, can you can smile through embarrassment? All right. I think we have two more. Oh my God. Barry is back and he just sucked on a lemon. His eyes are fully closed. His mouth is pursed.

His face is being sucked inward towards the middle of his head. That is, I don't know, I guess either pain or disgust, but let's go pain. It looks like he just stubbed his toe. Yeah. Get up. That's a good move by Barry. Okay. This is the last question.

I believe. Holy shit. Okay. This lady is just smiling at me. She's just happy. It's either satisfaction, flirtatiousness, love, or compassion. Let's go compassion. That's a new one and it looks like she feels a little bit happier, sad for me.

I thought Barry showed you compassion. I think it's love. Oh wait. Yeah. We never did love. I forget. We guessed love, but it was wrong. Right.

So this lady is in love with us for sure. That's probably the hardest one to convey. They're like, show me love. I bet she like kind of cried a little bit for a second because it's beautiful and yep. Correct. Love. That's nice. Yeah.

Okay. Your score. Nice work. You seem naturally well attuned to others emotions. A vital skill for forming compassionate connections. You scored well above average, but still have room for growth. No. Research suggests that people can improve their emotions.

I blame the actors. Recognition skills with practice. I obviously blame the actors. Yeah. So keep an eye out for our forthcoming empathy training tool designed to boost your emotional intelligence. Very cool. Fuck that.

I can't discuss it at the quiz. So I actually, and now to find out if you are a sociopath, I have another. I have a sociopath test that we can take after the break. Okay. Great. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the

doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz.

I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God.

Thank God I took that test. If you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix.

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All right. After pretty much acing that emotional intelligence quiz, you're now giving me a test to see if I'm an emotionless sociopath, which is basically someone that just feels nothing. I remember reading an explanation of it is if somebody dropped to their death right in front of you, you'd wonder if you could have their shoes or something like that. So you're just completely unfazed by extreme things in front of you. I think I'm probably close on the sociopath scale. Oh, interesting.

Okay. All right. So this is what a sociopath test you're giving me? Yeah. It's like a police test, maybe, to see if you're psychotic. It's a Rorschach test is what it is. So I've shared my screen again. What you need to do is memorize the image that is in front of you.

Yeah, which is like an ink blot, and it sort of looks like a bat that's flattened with ink. Okay. Nice. That's actually great, because now we have a list of things that you will choose that it resembles. I choose what would be the best description of the image you just saw and mark it in the column first.

If there's a second description. A bat is one of them. Yeah. That fits well too. Mark it in column two. That was basically a bat. I do think it was a bat. And number two, I'll go a pelvis.

Oh, nice. And yeah. Okay. And you don't have to say anything after, if you want to. You can. Okay. All right. So here's another.

Yeah. This is a very visual test. This is like a real visual quiz, perfect for a podcast. Okay. So right now we're seeing, it looks like a clown sort of wiped his face on a napkin. And that's what I'm seeing here as the image. Okay. All right.

So now we have a bunch of options here. We've got like a bug someone stepped on. Oh, look at that. Two clowns is always one of them. What? Really? Yeah. Two clowns.

Wow. Look at that. Yeah. That's fun. All right. So that's the one. Is there anything else? And I'll go black and red for number two.

You can kind of see which one is the psychopaths. Yeah. Because one of them is a bloody spinal column. Ask me. I know what that looks like. I've seen it. And I felt nothing. Yeah.

And also one of the answers is always nothing at all. If you're saying nothing at all to every question on the Rorschach test, then you are guilty. Yeah. All right. Memorizing this image here. This looks like two ladies with their butts out sort of at a pottery wheel. And yeah, there's a red bow tie between them for some reason.

All right. The options, two birds, meeting a butcher shop, two men, part of my body, red and black, a colored butterfly, spots of blood and paint, monkeys hanging by their tails, a red bow tie, nothing at all, and something not listed here. I'll go meeting a butcher shop and spots of blood. Yeah. I didn't see any of this stuff. I saw, I guess I saw two men more than anything.

I thought it was two ladies at a pottery wheel, so I'll go two men and then that's it. Red bow tie. Okay. Here's another one. Another Rorschach. This one looks like, I see the head of a dragon at the bottom and a turkey. It's sort of like a Thanksgiving turkey, but where the ass would be, it's the head of a dragon.

That's good. So let's see where it goes. All right. Head of an animal. Nice. Lungs and chest, a nasty mess, a pair of boots, black smoke and dirt, nothing at all. A man in a fur coat, super creepy. An animal skin, a big gorilla, an x-ray picture, and something not listed.

Ooh. So let's go, number one, head of an animal, number two, a big gorilla. Cool. Very cool. But it really looked like a turkey to me. All right. This one again, it just looks like a bat that's flattened, maybe a moth or a butterfly. Oh, look at that, a bat or a butterfly.

Oh, perfect. Number one. Yeah, nothing else. That's the one. This one is weird. This one looks like a maple leaf that's flattened, and then the top of it is a stick. Okay. So I see a leaf, but I also see kind of a spine, like the two muscles on the other side of

a spine. All right. Let's move on to the possible option choices. X-ray. X-ray. No, no, no. A turtle. I don't think so.

I saw a leaf, a maple leaf. Let's go nothing at all. Whoa. I don't know, actually something not listed here. Okay. That's nice. If it doesn't look like anything, then you really do have a problem. This one looks like nothing to me.

It looks like, I don't know, a semi-circle. You don't see like two old ladies kind of like bumping bellies in a dance circle? Yeah. Yeah, but then they have no legs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's sort of like when my dog is like dragging his body, this is like what his legs look like.

So it's just like two legs sort of flared out. Smoker, clouds, two women talking, that was one of the nice parts of my body. Animals or animal heads, nothing at all, a map, dirty ice and snow, lamb's tail, an X-ray picture, bookends. I'll go nothing at all for this one. This one felt like nothing to me. You actually did say that, all right. Yeah.

Oh, this one's a real colorful. It's not just black and white. We got some real colors and it looks like a fish flayed out, almost like the X-ray of a fish or the top of a skull, like looking down on someone, their skull, so like the nose is at the top. Top of a skull, very sociopathic, actually. Yeah. Horseshoe, pink, blue and orange.

I did notice the colors, so let's choose pink, blue and orange. That's number one. You did notice that first. Yeah. And one of them is, one of the options is fire and ice, life and death. So yeah, not that. Let's go second one, it's parts of my body. It looks like kind of like an X-ray.

All right. Oh wait, an X-ray is one of them. Oh. X-ray picture. Oh yeah, X-ray picture. Nice. Okay. Wow, this one's very beautiful.

Looks like a watercolor. You would hang this in your house. Yeah. But again, the actual shape is nothing. It's just a random blot. I don't see anything here. All right, we'll see colors. I see colors.

See if anything. Nothing at all. See horses, lobsters, flowers, parts of my body, smoke flames, deer, horns of a deer. I see nothing but hate, greed, animus, anger, desire. Why does nobody want me, love me? I'll say nothing at all. But again, this is painting me just some sort of sociopath. This one's a very colorful.

Looks like a beautiful Parisian landscape. We got the Eiffel Tower at the top. It kind of looks like a Chinese New Year, just like nice, brightly lit pattern. I don't know what I would see here. Oh, look at this, a Chinese print. Yeah. Nailed it. Nice.

And then I see what they're trying to lead me to, parts of my insides. No, I don't think it looks like parts of my insides. Now I'm getting angry that the quiz is sort of trying to harass me. Okay. All right. That's your, that is the quiz. Okay. And now we have to take a little survey to see, oh, I see.

So it's asking me for my demographic information. So demographic survey, so, you know, they can sort of get their own data from us. I'm not putting in my fucking email. I'm filling it out so honestly. All right. Your results. Your score is four out of 10, meaning you selected four answers that are commonly given by individual with some psychological disturbance.

Not really. However, Ericsson used four or more poor answers as the criteria for a cognitively disturbed individual. I don't think so. I'm actually not really cognitively disturbed. I mean, one of them did look like a dead animal. I'm not saying that I'm obsessed with that idea. You actually did pretty badly.

Most people only answer two questions like that. Oh, it changed my answer then. I don't see the Chinese print. I don't see nothing at all. I think that it was the nothing at all. It was when you were seeing skulls and nothing. That's the danger. This fucking quiz set me up to fail.

And so did you. You ate the first one. That's good. So I have high emotional intelligence and I'm also a fucking psychopath. Yeah. All right. So, okay. So how would you, you know, what would you categorize me as having taken these two tests?

Would you say that's an accurate representation of me? I mean, clearly not, right? I get what's going on. I'm emotionally intelligent. I'm not insane. I think you're a disturbed individual. I don't think so. I'm happy.

I'm happy. Go lucky, actually. Really? You're, but right now you're smiling and you're laughing, but your eyes aren't actually wrinkled. So it's, you're actually just being polite. And now I could fucking strangling. Yeah. I could kill you.

Turn on a dime. Fucking mad at you. Well, I don't know. Why wasn't I invited to your fucking birthday party? You can come. You can come. All right. I'll fly in.

I'll fly in right now because I don't really understand emotional cues. And actually, when I look at you, all I see is meat and bone. Yeah. It's very big. All right. Sweet. That's our quizzes. That's our testing, testing bonus Thursday episode for today.

That's right. We'll be back next Thursday with another quiz for you. Actually I think you're, you're going to really hate the next quiz because it's going to be all about like how, how fucking messed up you are. I didn't design this quiz for you to hate. I designed it for you to pass and you showed everyone you were psychotic. I'm starting to fucking bleed out of my nose. My God.

And of course we'll be back on Monday with our 500th episode of If I Were You. Good Lord. She. She. See you guys soon. Later. That was a hit gum original.