If I Were You - Testing Testing: SCUBA

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

Back on a Thursday again, testing Amir's SCUBA Certification. Kind of a deep dive into Amir's expertise of diving deep.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. All right, we're back. Another episode of our limited- On a Thursday. Bonus Thursday Style Testing Testing Podcast. Yes, that's right. We're back on a Thursday. We're testing each other.

We're quizzing each other. Yeah. I've got queries for you this week. I've actually pulled out two really interesting quizzes for you. Wow. So last week was a spelling bee that I administered for you. This week, you went rogue. And I passed.

You went ham and you went psycho and you said, I'm going to find two quizzes that'll stump your ass. I'm liable to go Michael. Take your pick. That's right. And actually, you can take your pick because we have two quizzes, but fuck it. I'm going to take my pick.

I'm giving you first a scuba diving certification quiz. This is going to be easy. I thought you were going to do something like insane, like APUS history questions. If it's just scuba cert, like patty-style scuba cert, then I think I would be able to get them all. Scuba cert? Yeah.

You, like, knew? Like, I know what scuba stands for if that's one of the questions. So we could just skip that right now. Actually, that was, it's not one of the questions, because if you're going to get on boat, if you're going to don your goggles, if you're going to tank up, you better believe you should know that scuba, it's not just a slang.

It stands for something. Really? It's an acronym. Yeah. You don't, wait, you said you knew. You said you knew. No, I do know. I do know that.

I do know that. Right. Okay. What does it stand for? Scuba? Yeah. You really think I don't? Uh, Jake.

I know scuba is not, like, just a random word. It means, like, S-C-U-B-A. Right. If you see scuba written out in lower case, that's not right. It should be all upper case. That's, if you're trying to scuba-do-ba-do, yeah, you know that it's an acronym. You know that it stands for?

Self-containing. Self-contained. Underwater. That's fine. Yep. Yeah. Breathing apparatus. Self-contained underwater.

Nice. Breathing apparatus. Final answer. That's correct. Um, so let's jump right in to see if you can get certified. To scuba-dive, a standard way to prevent decompression sickness is a decompression stops gradual ascent, a high speed ascent, mega-dosing with vitamin D, or adding methane to breathing gas.

All right. You're definitely, it's not a vitamin D deficiency thing. Like, this is a fucking big-ass problem compression. I guess it feels like you're being strangled, suffocated, submerged by the weight of the ocean around you. So it's like, all right, how do I get out of that? And one of them is to add methane, which I think is like what happens when cows fart to your fucking tank?

No. No, I don't want to add fucking manure to my scuba suit. So get rid of that one. Get rid of the vitamin D. What were the other two? Um, so it's the decompression stops, which is parentheses, a gradual ascent, or a high-speed ascent. So you're deciding really between like coming up slowly or coming up fast.

The thing about scuba is slow. Like, there's not like, I bet they're not like, don't fucking rush shit. Like, the answer is never to like sprint somewhere because they're like, no, go, go, go. We have to see all the fish, all the coral. Now, now, now, the oceans is big and there's not enough time. Yeah. Doing it fast, I bet, is what you would panic and do. But as a scuba sort of guy, I'm a Jacques Cousteau of myself, I know that the best thing

to do is to stay calm, keep calm, and carry on. Give me that slow and gradual ascent. Yeah. You don't want to get the bends. That's correct. That's correct. Yes. Gradual ascent.

And it's that easy. Like, when you're smart, you don't have to know, have knowledge. You just have to know how shit works. And like, I've been around the block enough to know how shit works. That's the first question. That's the first question of 10. So let's really, before you get a big head about this. Let's see if you know the tendency of a liquid to push a lighter object to the surface is

called what? The tendency of a liquid to push things to the stop. That is buoyancy. I don't even need to hear the other options. You don't want to know if it's torque. Because I know what it is. Decompression? Compression?

No way. No way. Yeah, buoyancy, you're right. You're right. So you're right, buoyancy, because I'm now two for two fully Patty Scuba certified. Yeah. And I will. Actually, and now and now that you know about buoyancy when you have reached your desired

depth, when you were in the ocean where you want to be, you want to have what? Negative buoyancy, neutral buoyancy or positive buoyancy? Easy. Like all this shit is not hard for me because I know how shit works. Whether it's in the sky on land or under the sea like I can just use common sense to figure this stuff out Right like yeah, so for me you want to just be sort of cruising down there not being pushed up or down So the goat buoyancy is actually quite frankly the neutral Neutral and it's and it's not even close as a neutral boy. Yes, see I actually prefer neutral boy

Yinsi so for me, it's sort of like a whatever this has been an easy test of my intelligence Oh, I style education this one's this next one's actually well this careful because this next one's actually really easy So you better not fuck this one up which of these okay a lot of pressure which of these is a confined water environment a bay No, a river Yeah, right offshore shallows I don't think so or D a swimming pool or tank What was the question again, which of these

Which of these is a confined water environment swimming pool easy I go swimming in a pool all the time and it's confined where the other stuff is just like random shit like a river What about the offshore shallows? I don't even know what that is because I don't need to know what it is All right, cuz I'm four over four and I'm ready to jump into the fucking ocean now We're getting a little bit tougher by the way like a little tougher now This isn't even my area of expertise like I'm more of like a Math number sort of history buff so for me to also know this yeah, I have zero weaknesses in my like intelligence

I tried to find math Quizzes and they they're hard to come by a good one. Yeah for sure anyway Okay, yeah, the cylinder the cylinder that now we're talking scuba slang when you're at the tiki bar post post dive People are talking about oh, yeah, I had a problem with my cylinder mate. It's the air tank. Okay. It's not the pressure gauge It's not the light. It's not the rebreather. It's the tank It's the tank because it's a fucking two cylinders actually is that's what I go down with and that the tank is dank good Anya

Okay, okay, what is the opposite of confined water? This is easy. It's open water. It's absolutely. You don't want to see the other ones. Yeah Water style swimming slash scuba diving, right? Yeah Wow, this one's this one's too easy. I'm not even gonna give you to you now. Okay, hold on when yeah I just keep thinking about natural buoyancy and I can't like get over it like how I kind of consider myself to have natural Buoyancy too. That's why I'm doing so well like I never feel too much pressure too little it just is Right most excuse me most recreational divers use a set that let them breathe through the blank nose and mouth nose only

Or mouth only so this one is actually interesting because like you can totally breathe through your mouth, right? That's obvious. Like that's how I'm Most breathing this dude like go by that style of breathing Nose is good in terms of breathing in through your nose out through your mouth That's what they say is a sort of relaxation circular model of breathing And through the nose I have a deviated septum about that. Yeah, so I don't actually get a lot of air Through my nose so I can narrow it down to

Nose and mouth or just nose Do most people Not use their mouth at all. Is it just for exhaling? I mean I Wouldn't do it that way, but I can see a world where it's like I'm a cool guy and I had like a fucking salmon Salad sandwich for lunch and I just breathe through my nose because like I'm so calm naturally I'm Zen fine. Yeah, I'm Zen. I'm Zaddy. I'm a zebra I am fucking it's easy because it's black and white and it's striped and I'm breathing through final answer nose only

Mouth only you eliminated the one right answer. It was it was a joy to sit here and hear you labor Over the two wrong ones. I was I was shoddy I was afraid I was afraid my mirth was going to tip my hat So not a perfect score Yeah, I guess not I Guess not at the end of the day Your diver certification card will also be called a C card

log card aquapass Cart de maire Wow, I know it's not called a v-card because all these all these Scuba people are probably Getting laid slash head Yeah, right for an after

So I'm trying and thank you. I'm trying to think like if not v-card actually Give me the break to think about it Let's thank a fucking sponsor or two and I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna figure it out with it All right, then we're going on to the next quiz. Okay. Okay Thank you do stamps comm for sponsoring this episode of our show Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business But with stamps comm all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it

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Four-week trial free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps comm for sponsoring this show Thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast You know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network Jake Wow, that's correct I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is Yeah, yeah, not just father's day But if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon Mm-hmm these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know, I am expecting. Yeah

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I was just being goofy a little bit like yeah, this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant Yeah, yeah, kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way By the way, Jill's Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Just grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes and we let her know with an aura. Yeah Thank you the aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny

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Thank you, aura and now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to All right, we're back. Give me the give me the options again the right the path that the card that you need to fucking go Scuba diving is also known as what? your C card your log card your aqua pass and your cart do mail C card is that C apostrophe card or SE a card. Oh, it's C dash C a rd letter C the letter C Okay, and the last one is like kind of makes me think like why would they throw in a French one if it was not even that like How fucked up would it be because they they think we all think that Jacques Cousteau invented invented this shit

So like now everything has to be a slight French thing. Mm-hmm. I mean seapass is just a hell no that's a no for me I mean Yeah, that's like some Marvel avatar level bad writing. Mm-hmm. Aquapass is a bad answer There's no way they settled on that and then what was that fourth option log card? That's just hard to say why would you need a log card a long card certification now? I'm down to C card The sea but then that's such a stupid question the certification card is also called a C card. All right Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's fine. Somebody uses that slang. I'm gonna go they wouldn't trip me up with the French

Give me a car du mer aka the water card of the sea Wow wrong answer the diver certification card is casually known as the C card Wow, I feel like a C card forgetting that one wrong actually how many do I need to get? How many do I knew that was the last that was the last question you passed you get your cert

You can actually get your cert and still answer eight of ten questions wrong Wow, so you're saying I have my call do mail even though I got a b-minus. Yeah, no I don't I actually don't I don't know how the test itself works I'm just gonna say that you I imagine you pass with eight out of ten that can't be It can't be more intense than the driver's Yeah, license one. Okay So now I'm not exactly sure how this quiz is gonna get rated at the end of the day But what you're taking now is a morality quiz

We're gonna see If you have a moral compass, how do you feel about that? I mean, I definitely do I Don't know why we need to take a test to figure that out If you really wanted to know what was inside would you open your partner's mail? Oh And if you really wanted to know The yeah, it's really leading. There are I just realized that there are multiple choice The answer is my partner wouldn't mind. I

Would never do that. I Would ask my partner first. I might open it Re-seal it. I think the right answer is I might open it and re-seal it right because that way you if you really want it to know And you can lose on the right answer your peak It's just if you're a moral person or not, what would you do yeah, I I would not look I would not look because It's never worth it. You're gonna feel too guilty What if you find something then you can't even fucking use it against your partner because it's like how did you find it? It's like I'll tell you how I found that I looked through your mail and then if you're really wrong

It's like that's actually not my mail and now you're in trouble and I didn't do anything wrong and then you're just a real yeah It's one thing to look through someone's phone. It's another to look through their mail mail. That's a federal offense. It's actually That's a white collar crime. I think I Also can't imagine anything in the mail being bad like all I get in the mail is like you owe this or here's a four dollar check Everything yeah, it's either it's most of it 95% you need to open it just to make sure that you can throw it away But you always can This is an opening your partner's modern equivalent of this is a it's a dm. That's what that's the equivalent right would you open Your partner's dm and that would be fucked up because then that shows seen and if they're flirting with someone that's not a cool move

So don't do that to your partner either. Do you believe that it's right? Or wrong to sample the grapes while you shop I yeah the multiple choice here I um, you have to pick from the list. I've got to pick from the list Uh one grape ain't too bad It's stealing I think it's simply testing out the merchandise It's not right, but other things are worse

And I prefer to try the free samples I mean three of those are right at the same time. It is not right, but other things are worse Murder is worse than grapes. So like that one is correct I prefer the free samples also true. I prefer when people are giving out the free samples are like usually cheese So that's good. Yeah And then I mean there's the bigger moral issue of like can you fucking steal one grape from a whole foods? That's owned by amazon. Yeah, that's I'm sure fine in the grandest scheme of things You're not supposed to do it especially during covet times people are fucking

Licking their fingers squeezing a grip and like where do you draw the line? Can I bite into an apple and put it back? I'm just sampling the merch This one was mealy. So I'm gonna put it back bite side facing down Uh, I wouldn't do it because I don't love grapes enough to steal But ultimately I'll go with it's bad, but there are other things that are worse like literally anything else This is the the lightest bad thing. Yeah, it's definitely not stealing. I think it's fine. Um Okay, all right Here there's another your best friend's partner might be cheating, but you're not sure

Do you say something? um your multiple choice is It's not really my business I would have to say something I need proof before I say anything. I am more likely to confront the partner. So Let's This is if I were you as well. This is like a borderline advice question Mm-hmm, and I think we landed on if you're closer to your

The person getting cheated on you sort tell them like you have no loyalty to the partner That's like doing the badge. Yeah, so if it's your best friend. Yeah, you should tell them but also of course you should You know make sure you know for sure at first. Otherwise, you're just raising alarm bells for no reason Right. I need proof before I say anything. Yeah, and the proof is often in the pudding absolutely You're you're digging through. I found koozie looking for semen samples. That's what you said Well, I have this picture of jill getting I guess she went to a pudding store with this dude I don't know if you know tucker travis. Yeah, I do. It's travis. It's travis. Yeah, they're sort of sharing of

It's one of the two. Yep. Really? Yep. Yep. So, you know you get that jill always told me she she hated froyo Whenever I asked her she wanted to go to 16 handles It's not A froyo. I guess it's a it's a wet pudding sample that she's getting with travis And it's uh, it looks like tapioca from the licks of things. Yeah, they went to have you ever gotten boba with her? I haven't no I jill told me she doesn't like I love boba tea But she said she doesn't she doesn't feel like having a boba usually and she doesn't like to be seen with me in public Yeah, it's probably the scene thing

She's she's hanging out with her her dude scene, which I guess it's pronounced shot s e a n Getting tapioca milk balls on broom street Next question. All right. Yeah, you notice that one of your co-workers never has lunch What do you do about it? I'll slack the company all sort of say in a grand fashion Hey, has anyone realized jeff's never fucking eating with us? And he said that he brought a sandwich from home, but I haven't seen it either What does everyone have to say about that? It's all sort of turn his little

Anxious moment into what's going on big Big gesture, but let's see what the quiz has to say Uh, maybe they're on a diet I'm sure I would make I'm sure I would make an extra I would ask them out to I would ask them out for lunch my treat And I try to stay out of other pupils problems What year was this written? 1959

Fucking crazy Uh Me personally, I try to stay out of people's problems. I'm not like walking over to a co-work could be like Hey, uh, lunch on me today I've noticed you haven't actually eaten with us for four days and I'm starting to I'd make an extra I would make an extra I have a bowl of pasta boldion. Yes, and I come over and I say I noticed you You haven't had and I don't know if it's because you have a problem or because you're broke or something really really loud

But anyway, I made extra Italian And it's in the cold Tupperware. Yeah. Yeah, it's freezing in the middle and it's separated starting to ice The Is this why you don't eat with me? All right, if you saw someone shoplifting would you alert security? Uh, the options are I would let the cashier know they might be dangerous. I'll just leave I'm totally telling security And knowing me I would speak up

It's funny because the the I wouldn't do anything Uh, it makes you a little bit like problematic too. They might be dangerous. I'll just leave So this it's like there's no there's no option that's just like I don't care about that This is the other side of um The grape question where it's right you see someone take a grape We've established that you would never take a grape now imagine you saw someone else do it Do you tell? Uh, no god. No, I'm not getting in the way. I'm not doing anything. I'm not getting involved in other people's issues

Absolutely not Yeah, knowing me I would yell shoplifter try to pull a fight like the security grab their wrist Citizens arrest. I find out it's somebody's restocking shelves. Um, I'm blackballed from target All right, let's take one more break come back and I'll try to ace the rest of this morality quiz All right, there's only three more questions. So it's going to be all right Okay, I'll answer slowly This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult

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If I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace All right, last three questions. Let's see how moral or amoral I am um, okay You find your roommates journal. Are you going to read it? Let's say it's when we live together You find my journal On the coffee table

The the answers are I might take a little peek. I'm not that type to violate someone's privacy like that There are a few things I would like to know And I would put it back in their room and let them know Some of these questions like work together are the answers. It's like I wouldn't look and then also the next choice is like I'm not the kind of guy that would look So it's like yeah, you can say both of those things I would Try to see if I can sneak a natural peek like what if it's open face up and I'm just like

Let me grab the remote slowly and see if I can make out some choice sentences and see if there's anything about me That way if somebody's looking at me or trying to catch me, they're not like Oh that guy stopped the fucking and what happens if you see your name if you see your name Then what I'll take a selfie next to the book and that way I sort of have A photographic evidence of what's written And I could sort of disguise that action as me wanting to take a selfie next to the living room and then If I'm ever called out on it, I'll be like I didn't even realize that the notebook was open But now that it did I'm going to remove it and put it back in your room

Just so you know you're you are a trending towards bad guy on that answer. Yep Yeah But at the same time you don't you don't want to know what people think about you And their private thoughts like It doesn't be who of you to know that everyone has some pretty nasty thoughts about everybody Yeah, and what do not look like going is that is that we aren't say there's thoughts Yeah, that we're not reading each other's journals The world would grind to a halt if people could see the gall that I fucking have in my journal when I'm journaling

I am without Ruth to everybody Especially Especially myself Okay, especially Ruth Um the person behind you in line only has one item Do you let them go before you? Um the options of course I'm not that type of no the options are

They can wait like everyone else Sure If it's an elderly person, I would let them go first and yeah, it depends how many And it be 10 it right and it depends how many items I have Yeah, like what if I have two and they have one? I'm not going to start fucking Relitigating the line. It's not that's not the order. Yeah, it goes with who got there first Sometimes I'll do the fake so like it's an old lady and she has like a fucking tv guide under her arm And I have like a shopping cart filled with frozen food and I'm like, oh if you want you can just pass me

It's no big deal and now she's like, oh, thank you so much. I sort of stiff-arm her and I'll say yeah, right Absolutely. Yeah, right. I don't think so that was a moral test and you failed you should have told me that it's okay You said you were willing to cut the line another one of these questions is I would never cut a line Even if someone offered I wouldn't do A scissor a backseat takes the backseat cut. That's not right How often are you in like in a grocery store line where you could let one person jump in front of you? I feel like every time I've gone to the grocery store um, it's like

A line of a hundred people and there's just like bells dingy on which one like there's no This is so it's it is so it's 1959. You're at the drug. You're at your local drug store Yeah, but that's not how but also you go shopping in new york city the most densely populated city on earth Right slash america. So it's a little bit different when you're like in a line that snakes across around an entire trader joes Versus like a little Kroger's in any town usa. Mm-hmm. All right. Here is Here's our final query um

If it meant protecting a loved one Would you break the law would I steal a grape for my mother the option? No, I don't think so Yeah Some laws are meant to be broken. I do my best to avoid breaking laws again. Those two work together. Yes, of course Right, I do my best to avoid breaking laws, but some laws are meant to be broken um I would do anything necessary to protect my loved ones And I might break a small law, but nothing major. I might break a sweat, but never a law

What kind of like you have to steal food to feed your family that kind of thing? Yeah, I would assume you have to do that Your your obligation is to Right keeping your loved ones alive. I'll be tall. I'll be tall is late for an audition on the west side She needs a she needs a ride and you need to run a couple red lights. Are you doing that? No I'm not going through red lights because that might actually kill us Uh, so that's what's one law for one favor. I would not break Okay, I'll be tall has an audition. I'll be tall has an audition. Let me finish She has an audition

And she needs final draft to print the script, but you don't have a license Would you download a pirated license of that? Uh of that software to open the product I would First exercise other avenues like hey, does anybody have final draft? Download it. Send me a pdf. Otherwise. Yeah, I'll pirate software slash television slash movies You're under arrest. You're under arrest for being morally bankrupt You do not pass this quiz. You do not pass the diver certification

What you do has go you do not collect $200 you actually go straight to jail um And yeah, I what was the sorry? What was the right answer for the last one? It's actually card du maire is the answer Card du maire No, I am swatting your house right now. So Look alive What do you mean swatting my house?

That's where I call in a bomb threat at your house. The swat team shows up And takes you out for saying that I would potentially download final draft in a hypothetical. Yeah It's a hypothetical is right. I haven't actually done anything. We can't start policing future crimes This is my minority report, which I also downloaded off kaza last week And it was dubbed in Spanish and I and I bear shared that And for what just a fucking go scuba diving with my boys uh, all right, uh, I think

I think I proved myself not only worthy to um dive but to Be a productive member of the human race slash society that I live in I think so those are interesting quizzes. Thank you Thank you for taking them and we'll be back Next thursday with a brand new quiz wherein, uh, you'll You'll do one for me. You said you could steal a grape by the way earlier You said I'm not above stealing a fucking grape. I didn't like I don't know how this ended up with me being like the miscreant and you just being the

Archangel of podcasting. Yeah. No, I'm grapes are stealing. Don't read your roommate's journal Elderly people cut you in line. I made you an extra lunch if you haven't had one Etc etc Yeah, that's cool, right and we're out Namaste, by the way, I see you're stepping on a squirrel right now. That's not legal either. Are you fucking you're torturing an animal or He was stealing grapes He was stealing grapes That was a hit dumb original