If I Were You - Yes Dude (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

Comedian/Friend/Lover Ben Schwartz joins us on this milestone episode to discuss DM's, Snapchat, and sitcoms.This episode is brought to you by Ring.com, BlueApron.com, and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, here's what I would do, what I would do, well if I were you, I'd ask you if I were you, should I be? If I were you, should I be? Very nice. Whoa! What did you say at the end? I don't know. Show. Oh, is it?

I think so. I'll never know. We can't play it again. I guess not. It's just the opener. Dear Theodore. Yes, dude! Yes, dude!

Dear Theodore. Back. Yes, dude. Guess who's back? Back again. Back again. Huh. Bagels and locks are back.

What? Tell a friend. Oh, this is a commercial? Yeah. For bagels and locks? Hey, sir, what would you like to eat? I don't know, I want carbs and fish. Well, I got a beautiful mix and match for you.

All right, here's a pizza matzo. I guess there aren't a lot of carbs and match. No, yeah, not a lot. Although, it is kind of like a Jewish sushi. What? Like salmon and rice. The Jewish equivalent is locks on a bagel. Oh, I guess, right?

Circular. Seems like you've thought about that for a while before throwing that gem in there. Ben Schwartz in the house. Hey! That lasted so much longer than I thought it would. Same with me, by the way. I had to commit far longer than I wanted to. At one point, the noise started coming out of your ass.

Nice. Which is pretty cool. Those are really great socks. I got them yesterday. I did a television program and then they gave me these socks. Why? Oh, is that great? What do you give me when I do your thing?

I get your socks. Can I have your socks? Yes, of course. I hate that I brought the ones that I just got yesterday. We're so sick. Jake, true or false, we've shared clothes before. True. Jake, true or false, we've swapped shirts before.

Yeah, you currently have a shirt of mine and I currently have a shirt of yours. That's pretty fantastic. A nice gray shirt. Do you still wear that shirt? I don't know. I think so. Why did you switch shirts? I think one of my shirts got stained here, didn't it?

You were sweaty and you had to go to a show. Yes, I was sweaty. We had done something athletic and I was sweaty. I played NBA Jam for two hours. And then my gray shirt was sped through and Jake was like, I had that same exact shirt. And then Jake came down with the cheapest version of that shirt I've ever seen in my life. That is not true. 100% true.

It looked like a series of ants made it. And then I said, how about this? You take this one, which is far nicer. Far nicer. It was an American apparel shirt from Nordstrom. Far, far nicer. Far, far nicer. It's a lateral step.

Far, far nicer. We looked it up online. Mine was about roughly 45. Yours was roughly 620. Mine was $10. You got it in a bundle. A three-pack at Costco. Yeah, he got like a surplus.

Is there tea in Costco? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Isn't it? Honestly, the shirt that I gave Ben, I loved that shirt. You didn't. I did. I still do.

Do you want a pack? Yeah, I miss it every day. Do you really? Yeah. It's the same exact shirt. Yeah, but you know. Dear Theodors, I want to say to you. Ben, you haven't been on our show in 100 episodes.

You didn't say who wrote that song. Oh. Sorry, I care about the artist. Kevin Williams. Kevin, that was great, by the way. I wonder if you did all the layering yourself or you got other people to sing it with you, but that was beautiful. And then took all the credit.

Who's the guy that... Isn't there a William? Catatop. Oh, Bob Dole. No, a guy. Bob Dylan. No. Jacob Dylan.

Oh, yeah, Jacob Dylan. No, no, no. The guy that... John. John Curlton. No. John Sand. Dylan from 90210?

Yes, actually was. Sandman fans? Wasn't Dylan from 90210 also? No, wasn't the guy who does like the most famous movie composer in the world? John Williams. So this is Kevin Williams. Oh, God, that was such a long way to get to a stupid Sandman. Well, I had...

It was just one second. It was like one of the most famous last names. So many people have the last name Williams. But didn't that sound a little bit like... Ready? Let's go through a basketball player. Mo Williams. Herb Williams.

Yeah, obviously. Give me two more Williams in the NBA. Allison Williams. Darren Williams. Darren Williams. Yeah. Point guard. Give me one more from the NBA.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. There was... He played... John Williams. He was a point guard for Yukon. Williams? I think it was Williams because it was... I can't remember his first name.

Sorry, guys. So how does a podcast work? We all ask each other questions. No, it's an advice show. Huh? It's an advice show? For who? For people listening.

You said I've been here for 100 episodes? Yeah, the last episode you did was episode 100. We were in your different location. You guys are in a different location now. Yeah, I think you've done an episode with us in three different places. Where did we do the first one? Oh, the College Humor Office. Oh, wow.

College Humor Office. I've done four, I think, haven't I? Oh, yeah, because you did one at your house. I brought the equipment over. Oh, yeah, because two of them were without Jake. Wasn't one of them? Jake, get off your phone. I'm looking up who this Williams guy was.

Yeah, but Amir made me put my stuff on an airplane mode and then frickin' Jake gets to do every once. You can be on an airplane mode instead of Wi-Fi. I turned off airplane mode, though. That being said. What to say to you. Marcus Williams. Marcus Williams.

What is it? Marcus Williams. And don't tell me he didn't get to the NBA because he played for the Warriors. For how many years? I don't know, man. Not a long time. He wasn't very good. Do you play guitar anymore, Jakey?

Oh, Brooklyn Nets in the first round. Yes, every once in a while, I'll pick up the old ax and shred. Because you used to all the time. Yeah, I mean, I don't play. I don't think I picked up that guitar and played anything in a couple of weeks. I don't really play it very much. I should say no. I'm sorry I said yes every once in a while, but it's just, it's never.

That is every once in a while. It's every once in a while. Jake, would you give me a ride to the airport a pass? For real? Yeah, of course. I would do the same for you if you really needed it. I would also be like, I'd be like, I could get you a car if I can't make it. Right.

I would so much rather pay an Uber to take somebody to the airport than to drive them there. It matters who it is. If you needed to help moving, who would you text? Me or Amir? You. Amir wouldn't do that. I would so much rather pay an Uber driver to help you move.

Rock and roll movers. Yeah. Beauty school dropout. You know that song? Yeah, of course. From Greece. Frenchy. Have you ever seen Grease 2?

I've seen Grease 2. Are you asking both me and Jake? I've seen Grease also. Are you saying? Which one are you saying? Are you saying like you're asking both of us? Like Grease 2? No.

Have you seen Grease 2? The sequel? I saw Grease 2. Have you seen it too? Yeah, I saw Grease 2. I hope there's no questions. I hope we get to no questions. This is what my goal is every time.

Do you guys have a record player? No. Oh, we used to. It was right over there. What happened? Did you give it to someone? Yeah, the guy who owned it came by. Your hair looks good.

You're doing well. Oh, shit. What are you going to cut the beard? I think I'm going to try to go six months. It's like three months now. October 26th, November 26th. Stop. Three and a half months.

I got a really good question. Yeah. It was emailed. Can I ask you a question real quick? Yeah, sure. So in the world. I'm going to read the questions. We just got to get to one quick question and we get to it.

Sure. Do you guys think the way that comedy is going? Would you rather, if you had the opportunity to do a multi-camera sitcom for the next 10 years of your life. Okay. Or go for it and your multi-camera sitcom and you get paid a significant amount of money. Like a successful multi-cam. Yeah.

Like on be on big bang theory. Well, it's different because you know what that is. You don't know what this is yet. This could be far worse or whatever, but you're on multi. It could be not as successful, but you're making money. We're acting or we created the show. You're acting in it. Okay.

Or once every two years, I give you a shot at making your own TV show. But I could tell you that the odds of it getting on the air are 15%. One five. Oh, you know what I'm making better? 25%. Two five. Would you, which, and that also means if you don't get it, you're not making, you know, which one would you go after?

Real question. Think about it for real. Am I, and I've got everything going for me that I currently do too. You're not making as much money with head gum because you're making, you're making hand-over-fist right now. So you're not making as much money. Oh, less than hand-over-fist. Head gum is a, it's a money printing machine.

It's a Google. It's a, yeah. It's insane. That's why we're... I opened my computer and bills just flew out of it. This is a mint over here. Yeah. This is basically a mint.

Yeah. What would you do? I think I'd go for the short thing, the 10 years of a... But you're just acting in that. That's okay. Being a show creator, you make a lot more money. Yeah. I mean, obviously...

I'm telling you that the money you would make off that multi-cam would probably be more... Would I get to make up my own show every two years? Yeah. I mean, you could do that right now. Yeah. That's correct. You could do that. So it's what I'm doing now or be an actor on a multi-cam.

No, but you're not as successful in the podcast world. You're not hand-over-fisting. I don't know how you, yeah, fisting in the podcast world. That would be a cool podcast. Hey, man. Just like... Keep on track. I'm not sure.

I think I would probably... It's a real President's Dilemma because both these options suck. Well, why? You don't know if you... You don't know... You may love a multi-cam sitcom. Maybe you guys like a mirror. You may love to be performing in front of a crowd.

Some people prefer it. Yeah. I don't, but I prefer money. I prefer money. So that's what you would do. Okay, what about you? I think I would do the second one. Creating a show every two years.

Creating a show. Totally different things, yet you guys are best friends. How does it work out? Best friends can have different opinions on things. That's why we work on creating single-camera shows and not acting them. But we have less than a 25% chance. Are we allowed to talk about the pilot? No.

For real? Oh, the pilot, yes. Yes. Can we talk about that? No. What? Can we, or no? What about what?

That I was in it? Yeah. Did we tell our friends that? No, you didn't. Did we tell our friends? They made a pilot and they asked me if I would be in it. Just so you guys know what you missed. Can we talk about it?

Yeah. For real, I don't know. I mean, how much more in trouble... It's like, can we get in trouble from a school that already expelled us? So, Jake and Mir asked if I would do it. Hey, if we talk about it too much, true is not going to be happy. They're going to re-pass. To play a guest in it.

And the way that we start is always we go, what type of occupation should you have? Yeah. And we decided on magician. So, for those who watched Jake and Mir and have seen any of the ones that I've done, know that the next one was magician and we filmed it. And now it'll never end. And it was great. Did you have a name?

Oh, I don't think I did. I don't think you did either. Or if I did, I got to make it up at the last second. But yours was... Oh, kind of a con manny so I could play the same thing where I keep coming back is different. Exactly. It was like a fake magician. But you actually had to learn some magic for it.

Yeah. I learned a couple of magic tricks. Yeah. And then there was a party here afterwards, remember? And I was doing magic tricks. Yeah. And then when people started paying attention, I felt self-conscious and kind of stuffed. The trick you learned, the card trick was really good.

There's a couple that I... Yeah, some professional magicians do it up. So, just so you know, we haven't talked about that. I'm trying to think of what else happened in the past 100 episodes. So, how many... Was it a year ago? About a year and a half. Wow.

Like I said, a year and a half? I think so. Why haven't you guys even asked me? We did and you're like, after 100 episodes, after 100 episodes. I did not say that. I'll do it every 100. Absolutely not. Has it been 100 yet?

Absolutely not. No, it's been 68. I don't know how it's been. Oh, never. Why don't you think you asked me? I wanted to do a live show once, but we never figured it out. Oh, so we're going to come to South by? I don't think we're going to be there.

What about... We haven't announced this yet, but we're going to the East Coast. Oh. This could be a perfect time. April. April 6th, 7th, 9th, and 10th. We're going to be in Washington, D.C. Brooklyn, New York. Boston, Massachusetts.

Where are you playing in Brooklyn, New York? The musical of Williamsburg. The musical of Williamsburg. Oh, that'll be cool. Yeah. You guys are great, huh? Yeah. Do you make more money off of the tour or off doing the actual podcast?

I don't want to talk about how much money we made, but... Can you answer it later? Yeah, absolutely. I'll show you my W2s. And the last day of the tour is New Haven, Connecticut. Oh, Jake's hometown. Yeah. If you're in D.C., Boston, Brooklyn, New Haven, it's going to be us two.

Hopefully we can convince them to come by the end of this show. Come on, the East Coast. Why don't you just come anyway? What if we paid you to come? Tickets were literally $150 one way. That's not true. I just... My friend just flew here.

No, no. Tickets to the shows. Oh, sorry. That's so expensive. Our ticket to New York was $150. How many heroines will be at the Connecticut one? Shit. I think most of them.

My mom. My mom. My dad. My sister. My Mica. Mica is going to be here at school still. My other sister. Oh, Liza lives in New York.

Actually, probably only three herwitzes. I didn't know that. Let's come. I need to have at least five herwitzes. My aunt might come. My aunt might be there. Which one? Amy.

What's her last name? Oh, also Suzie's going to be there. Suzie. Not Suzie. You'll probably be there. What's her last name? Her last name is... Not herwitz, but...

Can I ask you this question? Yes, of course. That's the point of this podcast, of course. It's called If I Were You. It's an advice show. So people will email us their real question. Can I ask you a question about that? Yeah.

How many titles did you guys go through before you picked If I Were You? What was the number two title? These are good questions. Whenever I ask questions, they're not bad. What was the choice? What was the one that was... And whose decision was it to go with this? I think Jake thought of the idea of If I Were You.

And the name? Yeah. There's the G-Chat account. I mean, hey, I don't want to take all the credit. Our field is doing... We didn't want to do just like a relationship show. It's like, let's just open it up to anything. If I were you, like if we would...

I can tell you what I would do in that situation. But most people aren't confused about things as much as they are about love. Like, most people go to work, come home. That's all very standard. I know how to live my life. Oh, you wanted to be a relationship thing. No, we wanted to be about anything. I think what ends up happening...

We wanted to be just like general advice because we weren't experts. I modeled it after car talk because car talk is a radio show that never needed guests. The stressful thing about having a podcast is booking guests, studying them. Oh, that's interesting. How often do you guys have guests? I assume every other time? No. I mean, maybe less.

25% of the time. No. Yeah. And when we have guests, we don't really interview them very much. We ask them what they're up to and how they got started. But mostly they answer advice questions with us. You're the only one that won't answer questions. I can't wait to get into it.

Oh. I'll start by saying I can't wait to get into it. Then we should just... But then I'll continue by saying, can I ask you a quick question? Sure. So what was the second name that we didn't do? Wait, I feel like I was saying something. I can search if I were you on my Gmail.

What's the first email you guys sent to each other? Do you have that? No, because it was on old. Outlook. Outlook Express. Shit. What was I going to say? I wonder when the...

The first time I met you guys was when we did that first short film, right? Yeah. The first time. I know. Yeah, I think so. No, we did... I don't think I've met you before. Did they do the hardly working where you're going to commit suicide by jumping off a table?

That was way after we did it with the Jake and Amir's. Really? Yeah. You had short hair in that. Yeah. When I was in New York, I didn't know that I can grow up my hair. But in the video, you had longer hair. No, Jake and Amir would have been the first.

Because I did high times and the second thing I did was Jake and Amir. Oh, really? Yeah. I remember because when we shot, we shot on like the really tiny little cameras and that was the first time I met you. Yes. I remember really liking Jake. I remember looking at Amir and realizing this is going to be an uphill battle.

You were the first person... I mean, maybe not the first person, but when we were writing, we were all pitching ideas for the high times editorial office. You guys would also? What's that? You guys would as well for the bigger sketches you guys have pitched? Yeah. So we did like...

I think you did a couple of those that weren't written by me. Who wrote them? But then we did like one big round table with all the writers and I was still an intern or like a junior writer or something. And I said... And I like pitched some like dumb joke and you like tap my shoulder and you're like, that's really funny. And I was like, dope dude.

That's so cool. That's amazing. Guys, great news. I just found a fucking treasure trove. All the names that didn't go? It's a recorded conversation between me and Jake on April 29th, 2013 in which we discuss what the podcast should be and what the title should be. Okay, let me hear some titles.

Well, we should read this. Do you want to read each other's parts? So I'll be Jake and you be me. Great. Come here. I'll be playing Amir. This actually is a very exciting show for me to go to. So it bends Amir, Amir's me.

Yeah. Let's fill it down. Where is the sausage? I can't eat it. Look at my glasses. Why is there hummus in my pocket? Okay. Classic Amir dude.

Why is there hummus in my pocket? All right. So me is you and then I is Jake. Let's think of a name that we can buy. Do you mind if I read everything or do we want to censor ourselves? No, no, we can read everything. Let's think of a name that we can buy. There's a real conversation Jake and I had on April of 2013.

Okay. Jake's first. Go. So this is the first. This is how it all started. Let's think of a name that we can buy. Like a name.com. Like instant domain search.com.

Let's look at one. If I'm you.com is available. Pretty good. If I'm you, by the way, is what you wrote. Oh, if I'm you.com. Oh, you even got to confuse here. If I am. That's funny.

I'm me. All right. All right. So say that again. If I am. If I'm you. Oh, easy to say. Hard to look at.

True. Too hard to look at, question mark. Or hard to comprehend. Hard to read. Leave me alone. Haha. Kind of nuts to have such a short domain though. No punctuation.

All words spelled correctly. Maybe because it's a hyphenate word. If I am you. If I'm you. If... Oh, sorry. I were you.com is available. That's almost sensical.

True, true. Oddly enough, advicepodcast.com is available. Too boring? Haha, that's nuts. And I think it is. Maybe that's why it's available. Haha, no human is that boring. If I were you podcast.

Too long? You said no when he first said it. He said you said it and he said no. Wait, but Amir said if I were you was available, right? If I were you podcast. Oh, if I were you podcast. Too long? What I would do show also long?

Ifpodcast.com? Kind of nice. Maybe we should name the podcast first. Podcastinate.com? Haha. Haha. If I were you is pretty good. What I would do?

I think I like if I were you. If I were you show.com, if I were you podcast.com. I like if I were you show. And that's how it happened, correct? So according to this, I thought of if I were you. Well, let's, let's, I mean, Jake really shepherd it. Jake was the bus driver. But I was the one who said if I were you is pretty good.

And then you said I think I like if I were you. But let's, let's scroll back even further. No, Jake said if I were you podcast. And then you said too long. And then you immediately said no to him. And then you pretended like you thought of the idea. If I were you is pretty good. Oh yeah.

I can see that. You just read it and then you shit on it. But did you, who said, who said the words if I were you first? You said if I were you podcast. That's the first. Yes. If I, if I were you podcast. And then I said too long.

And then I said, if I were you is pretty good. And then you said, I think I like if I were you. Those are the best when you find those beautiful little like old. Do you guys keep pictures old photos? Yeah, we got some old. I have an old photo upstairs in a little box. That's me and Amir's first trip to Los Angeles. Oh really?

Yeah. What is it of? Carnell took it up on that guy. Will's. Oh yeah. Where was that? Well, he was living in Silver Lake, but we didn't have any idea what the fuck it was.

I was like in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. I remember thinking like, wow, this is like kind of a weird place to live. Really far away. Yeah. It turns out it was great. Oh, thank God I didn't keep reading. It was all about Ben after that.

I wish it was. Yeah. Also, Jake said some pretty nasty things after that. Just read one of them. Just read one of them. It's just a lot of like. Just read one of them. Haha.

Haha. Haha. I said, ambitious release date for the podcast Monday, May 13th. And Jake says, I like it. I really do. Haha. Then I said, I told the idea to Rami. He likes it.

Haha. Rami okayed it. Jake says, that's fucking awesome. No guests for the first time. Just advice to people emailing. And I said, yeah. The question is, how do we get people emailing before we have a show? And Jake says, truth.

And then insider tip is the first episode. Made him up. We made him up. Haha. I knew it. I knew it. Did you make up names for them too? Yes, we made up names.

Actually I think for the first 160 episodes we made up emails. So this is the first one we got a real one actually. And do you mind if we get to the real email? Yes, of course. Please. That's the point of the show. Can I ask you a question real quick? Sure.

Before we get to the email, Jake. Before we get to the email. We're always going to get to the email. I hate it. Haha. Oh wait. I really didn't have a question. Oh, so who's your first guest and how far into it?

The first guest I believe was Ricky. Ricky Van Veen. Episode like eight? Maybe so. When did Benjamin come into the mix? Benjamin Schwartz. We were living in New York and you were in LA so it was a long time ago. Well, you started when you were in New York.

Yes. We started in Brooklyn. Were you still doing College Humor? Yeah, we still worked at College Humor when we did it. Do you guys miss making videos? Yeah. I just thought about it the other day. Someone asked me what I really liked and we were going through the stuff.

I was at AMA I did and they were saying like what or no, no, no. There was some interviewer did and I was going through the stuff and I was like, you know what? I miss making those Jake and Amir. Those were really fun because those were like, we talked about all things like this, this, like anything else. You're like, you know what? Jake and Amir, they were talking about like what you get from different things.

When you do House Lies, what do you get? What do you get from this? And I was like, for us, it was more like let's just play around and have fun and just be the goofiest, most fun. Right. It was so silly. There were no rules. Would you do videos again?

I don't know. Not for College Humor just in general. I guess it's too expensive. Yeah, I love the idea. I mean, I want to do more creative stuff and like make our own videos, be our own bosses and develop our own shows. But that excites me more than acting in a multi-camp sitcom. You would rather direct?

I would rather, I guess, I don't know about direct. I like directing a lot, but I would rather create. I would rather be like in charge of the writing and the act. I would just be in charge of as much stuff as I could be. And it's still true that Jake does 80% of the writing and Amir does 20? Mm-hmm. The 80-20 rule? Yeah.

Actually, Amir improvises maybe everything on set. So like the scripts that I write are awful. Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's get to a question. I think that we're fucking waiting. I've been a lawyer listener since episode... What's the person's name? Can I name them?

A female name. I was so surprised you were letting us read it. Girl? Girl. We usually get two through two. Yeah. How many do you get through usually with a normal person? Three to four.

Four. So we can pop through one, one and a half. Okay, woman's name. This woman's name is Sukin? Yeah, I like it already. S-U-K-A-N. Sukin. Howdy Sukin.

No, don't. Sorry about that. Sorry, man. Just no one to stop. Apologize. Okay. Do you or are you just saying you apologize? I do feel bad.

I'm sorry. Do you feel? Yeah. Okay, you should. I feel awful. Stop. I am. Now you're stopping.

Not gonna say anymore. Sukin. Sukin. Sukin. Sukin Kitten, please says. I was visiting San Francisco from LA this weekend with a friend for a short getaway trip. The first day I met a handsome guy at a clothing store.

He was incredibly friendly and got the vibe he was flirting with me. Prove it. As he was ringing me up, he asked me what my plans were for the weekend. He told me that the store usually has a party on Fridays, but unfortunately he was skipping it this weekend. He said he wished he wasn't skipping it so that I could come by and have a few beers with him. He didn't ask for my number so I thought he wasn't interested in pursuing it any further.

But after I left, I kept thinking about him. He was just so goddamn good looking. The next day, my friend wanted to go back to the store to pick up more things. I was pretty stoked to see him again. I asked him what he was doing that night and he said he was staying in because he had quote things to catch up on. He gave me some local bar recommendations and we said goodbye. I was feeling pretty bummed, but I enjoyed our conversation so nothing to fret about.

Then, an hour later, I got an Instagram notification that someone liked a couple of my pictures. Turns out it was the guy from the store. I got goosebumps because 1. How the hell did he find me and 2. Oh my god, he fucking found me. We don't have any mutual friends, I checked and I was amazed but kinda creeped out at the same time. I followed him on Instagram and DM'd him.

Slide into the DMs. Slide into the DMs. What's that phrase? It's a rap song about how a girl keeps sliding into a guy's DMs which is like a direct message on Twitter. What does that mean? You're hitting on someone through DMs? Yeah.

I thought it was about Instagram. I guess you can DM on multiple things. I think the song is about Instagram, whatever. Either way, this is how the conversation went. There's a conversation between her and him. When you like a photo, that means you have to follow that person or no? No, you can like a photo. So he may not have been following her, right?

He might have not been following her but he found her on Instagram. Maybe she tagged the store or something. When she bought it, she probably had his, she put her credit card which had her name on it. Oh wow. I keep going. You can. So there's this conversation between her and him on the DMs.

Who wants to read them? Jake, let Jake. I'll be you. I'm not in it. Let Jake go. Jake hasn't read anything yet. I'll read it. I'll read it.

You have to come over here then. No. You're on computers. You're more mobile than my microphone. Oh, you want to read both sides. I'll read the other side. Give it to us. Yeah, me and Ben can.

All right. We'll do this. The first line is from the girl and then the second line is from the guy. Okay. So are you just kind of messed up that what happens if the guy listens to this show? That's why we kept him anonymous. Do you want to be the girl or the guy? She'll know.

They'll both know they're whatever. Do you want to be the girl or the guy? The gray is the guy? Gray is the girl. I'll be the girl. Okay. OMG. Hi.

Hey. Find anything good yet? Had dinner at Little Star Pizza and about to head out to Edinburgh like you suggested in a bit. Weird emoji. It won't really be going until a little later. Then Zeitgeist first and then Edinburgh later. That sounds better.

I'm going to suggest Zeitgeist and Benders just now. Oh my God. There's more. Watch. I'm going to help us because we're old. Oh, there we go. Um, no second thoughts about coming out. Huh.

I do want to hang out with you, but I'm going to be busy until later tonight. Wish you were here longer. I deaf want to kick it. Cry, cry, cry. OMG. I'll text you later and see where you're at. Did you say you're staying near Japan town or mission? Yeah.

I'm on Octavia and a height. If your schedule opens up, my number is. She's a reader. The number is three ones. Do you know about a spot called Double Dutch? Yeah, it's all right. Music is good, but the crowd can be questionable. Thanks.

And I'll finish it off. He never texted me, but he's, but he's been only liking pics of mine on IG for reference. Oh, that's her Instagram name. Does this mean he's just not that into me? And then I should just let it go. Thanks so much. Suki. It's a real story.

All right, kitten flea. It's a real, it's an exciting story. I've done this before. Have you ever slid into someone's DMs? No. I've never connected with someone's, um, no, no, not if I didn't know them beforehand. It's like, because of Instagram. If I knew them beforehand, maybe we will have talked, but not, I don't.

Because of Instagram and Twitter, there's less of a pressure to ask somebody for their phone number. This is like the most cowardly move, though. He was afraid to ask for the number in the store. But he didn't feel like, he didn't even message her on Instagram. All he did was like a photo. Yeah. It worked.

I, I mean, the question is, yeah, but that breaks my heart that it works. His responses are all so far away. He's very mixed signaling. I feel like he has a girlfriend. Oh. Can we look up her Instagram real quick? Can you copy and paste it or play? I actually did look up her Instagram.

I already did too. She's pretty cute. Is that true? Can we look it up? Yeah. Yeah. No, no real clues beyond just what she looks like. Can you give it to me?

What do you think? Why would the guy slide into the DMs, but not be down to, but not be down to hang out? There's another one that people go like at me. You want to say to my at me? That's like a thing. Really? Can you give me her Instagram? Let me look it up again.

No. I think it's just a mirror. I think this guy has a girlfriend. And so why is he flirting? Because it's fun to flirt and it's fun to like get to message people on Instagram. And it's fun to, I feel you slide into the DMs. There's sort of like a, an ex, an expectation that it's going to get flirty and a little sexy.

And this guy is probably like, oh, she doesn't even live in San Francisco. So I'm not going to like cheat on my girlfriend, but maybe I'll get some nudes or something. Oh. Wouldn't she be able to find out by going on his Instagram saying if she has a boy, he has a girlfriend? That's possible. But maybe he doesn't post pictures of her because he likes to flirt with cute girls to come into a store.

And maybe, maybe he's, maybe he's being a guy who's trying to sell more merchandise. Is that a thing? I wouldn't think about that. No, no. You should, I can't go out tonight, but check out our online store. It's, it's, it's, it's looking, we're looking at pictures of you right now, right off the bat. Pizza.

Yeah. That was a picture of her in San Francisco. Exciting to go traveling, meet someone attractive and have, have them like your Instagram photos. That is cool. That's like a cool win. And then why did he not, I can see that making someone feel like, oh, there's, there's a, there's a good chance. It's not only that, but I found the guy.

Did you find the guy? No. If you go to her followers, you can see a picture of the guy's logo from soap. See this is like, we're just as big creeps as this guy. We're actually bigger creeps. We're bigger snoops. Yeah. I tried it because in the DMs, you can see that little, that thumbnail though.

Come on boys. Yeah. It goes down in the DMs. It goes down. It goes down. Wait. Under following? Yeah.

People who follow her. It is so scary. So he does follow her. Yeah. He followed her back. Yeah. We asked, that was one of the questions. It is so scary how intense stalking you can get now.

Oh yeah. You can learn a lot. Scary. Oh yeah. So scary. And you can see when somebody's doing anything so you know when you're being ignored. Snapchat is even more like instant. You can see what somebody's up to, up to the minute.

Instagram is like, oh I can see. I haven't gotten, I tried Snapchat for a little bit. I can't find him by the way. What? If you go to her followers. Sorry. Followers. Followers.

Followers. Real quick plug on Snapchat. Yeah. If you buy a ticket to Austin and snap the ticket to me, I've been snapping everybody back that does that. Well that's good. Yeah. And we can get them first or whatever?

You want to open that up for the rest of the East Coast tour? Oh yeah. Well let's sell out Austin first and I'll focus on the ticket sales of the East Coast tour. But all the ticket sales and all the information should be at ifiriyushow.com. Whether you live in Austin, D.C., New York, New Haven or Boston. Yeah. You know what, fine.

I'll open it up. You snap me a pic of the tic. I'll snap back a pic of my dick. I'll snap back a pic of the tic. Snap back a pic of the tic. Snap back a pic of the tic. Snap back a pic of the tic. Look at the pic of the tic.

In your lap. Okay. Oh my God. Oh my God. I would say that he doesn't look like he's giving you a ton of love back, but he's giving you mixed signals, so I don't know. I would say the boyfriend thing makes sense. That's a bummer.

The... Oh sorry, the girlfriend. That narrative makes sense because one, this is as far as some people let themselves go when they're in a relationship. Like, oh, I can follow someone on Instagram. That's like pretty passive. Yeah. You can't yell at someone for following someone on Instagram.

Yeah. You can feel the micro thrill of flirtation without actually having to like do anything. And then things got a little bit too real when she's like, hey, do you want to meet up? He's like, oh, I can't really do that. Yeah. Maybe later. But I really do think if he's single, he meets up. There's nothing that's like so important that he needs to do.

Maybe he's not interested. That's possible. But he can't not be interested if she left and then he liked her for the second time. How did you find her? How did you find her? He looked at her credit card. Yes, that's so interesting. I mean, that's crazy.

You don't know that. I've done that before. Maybe she said her name and her first name is very unique or something like that. Maybe so. We saw her name. I've done it. I've done it. I've done this.

What this guy did. Right. You've looked at the credit card receipt? Yeah, when I worked at this before Instagram. When somebody's house late at night, I know people that do that and I'm like, what? Like to see if they're around? There was in high school and I had like before Instagram, I would like take a route home that went by their house.

Oh, in high school, I did that. Yes. A thrill to be like that. To see if they were up or whatever. Yeah. But I would not like the middle of the night. It was like I'm going away home from work or something. Yeah.

Yeah. I know what you're talking about. Parking down the street at 2 a.m. is that's not okay. Well, that's what people had to do before Facebook, Instagram and all this stuff. They had to like literally stock rather than cyber stocks. Right. Drive by. And that's why I like this a little bit because it's such a fun game.

It's kind of cooler than asking for an, I mean, not cooler, but it's like this, it's a scavenger hunt, like the little micro flirtations that finally lead to the number. And then it builds. You love the game. You love the game. I do love the game. That's the game up until the, until you like you find somebody that you care about. Yeah.

But I think this game is a little, this game is like a little bit cowardly that he, it's so passive on his part. Stay strong. You're a very strong woman. Jake and Amir both love you very much. I'm about to follow in like a couple of those photos on that Instagram. Whoa. Jake, you should.

Yeah. But then everybody will look at your like. Can you look at someone else's likes? No. You can sometimes see it. Yeah. I think they showed you the most recent. Yeah.

And the news. And everyone said, well, I'll go and I'll see like some, some of my, some of my, thirsty friends. Like it's a picture. Yes, dude. Like it's a picture of some girls. There's always a new slang word, isn't there? Let's make one up right now.

Okay. Actually, let's take a quick break and then we'll come back with some more slang from Ben and Amir. What? Why? I'm sorry. Jake and Ben. Fine out of here.

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So we go down in the deals. Go down. Go down. What's a way a slang term for what? Slang term for like wanting to flirt with someone slang term for all this girl wants it. Or this guy wants it. So the current one is thirsty or horny or let's think of something else that there's an term.

What about she's cold for it or shivering? I mean, she doesn't want it. Oh, that doesn't respond to your thirst. That's a good thing. Oh, that doesn't respond. She stoned me. Oh, like what's it called when somebody what happens when you're that's good. What's that?

What's the short stuff? What would you call that? The breaks. No, but that's a real thing. People say that. Yeah, pumping the brakes. Yeah. She like, oh, what about like she's quenched if you're thirst like I'm thirsty.

Oh, yeah. That's great. Yeah, but that would mean that you succeeded somehow. Right. Right. Well, her thirst has been quenched. Yeah. What's it called when you're full but with drinks?

God, I am. Is it a quenched? Bloated. I'm bloat. She's bloated. Yeah. She's bloated. But that's sort of like a really too much.

She's too much. That's like projecting a look on her like size. Yeah. She's funny. She's like, she's just not that thirsty. She's just not that thirsty. She recently had some water and she's sort of fine. Yeah.

She had a full cup of water. Yeah. Not a sip. She's sated. Isn't it sated? Sated. No, but that's just satisfied. I'm not sated.

I'm satisfied. Wow, dude. That was really good. What was that? Huh? A little too. Do you have another question? Hell yeah, dude.

I got to ask a question before you guys ask a question. Is that okay? Do you have a Snapchat then? I do. It was public for a bit and then I turned it private. And what do you do with your snaps? I send stuff to... You know that I have Snapchat.

I snap you. I snap one of... There's 12 people that I have on my friend list and you do, you guys and Marty are three of those 12 people. You can... You should start selling that, dude. I'm sure people will pay a lot of money for that. I just don't know.

I don't know. I want you to sell that shit. Because I wasn't putting stuff out. Because we just send stupid shit to each other. Yeah. But I wasn't putting stuff out and then I would get messages from people. And then I felt bad if I wasn't looking at all of them. And then also you don't know what you're going to get.

Isn't that like... I think there must be... What happens if like a young kid sends you something terrible? Yeah. Isn't that illegal? What happens if it's not illegal to look at it? That is illegal to look at. No.

It's illegal to have it. And it's Snapchat. But I'm not... No, but you're looking at something. Something like I'm defending myself. Like I get a lot of weird shit from kids. But I think like there's people that consistently send really weird shit. And I sort of like learn their names and I remember and I don't open it.

Oh, yeah. But then like you see them on that list forever. Well, eventually they stop. Because they see that their snaps aren't getting opened anymore. So the game is sort of over. Do you get a lot of nude photos on Snapchat? Not enough. But every once in a while, yeah.

So you don't want people following you? It doesn't matter if you say what your Snapchat name is. It's private. I guess you could follow me. It's rejectedjokes0. Rejectedjokes0? I think. I don't know.

You should make it at least like your story public. No, I don't. But I don't do anything. But you should do all the dumb shit you sent to us. You could just go on your story and then everybody would watch it. Yeah, but that's private stuff. No, a lot of it. Like the asshole thing was private and the peepee thing.

The rash thing was private. Yeah, you did the rejectedjokes0. And then I have a number after it. But that just is a number, right? Yeah, that's your Snap Square. All right. Rejectedjokes0. What is a trophy case?

Okay. So rejectedjokes0, if you guys want to follow me on Snapchat, although I can't receive any snaps. Or you never post a story. But you know what? Maybe because you guys have been pushing so hard. Maybe when this episode comes out, you can post a story. You can see how many people are looking at it.

Yeah, that'll be fun. I mean, it's just a whole new form. I think it'll be a fun little thing to worry about. It's a lot easier. Because the stakes are so low. Dude, I've seen us do like Periscope or something and someone records it and puts it elsewhere. Periscope gets recorded. Yeah, but what is it going to stop from someone you watching me recording your phone watching

a Snapchat? It's possible. So like if it's you taking your dick and opening it up and there's a little worm that goes, I don't remember that. That'd be amazing. That'd be the most popular Snap story ever. I have a talking worm that lives in my dick. Hey, guys.

Isn't it a lot of work? Doesn't it feel like work? Yeah, but you just replace it with stuff that you don't have to worry about anymore. So I'll Instagram less. Do you feel like it helps your fan base? Do you feel like? Definitely. Really?

Yeah, because more of our fans are on Snapchat now than Twitter or Facebook. I will say this. It makes it feel less permanent. It makes me feel like you're right. You could send something to a fan immediately. Yeah, you could be a little wackier. You could do that real quick. Right, I can't.

And also, when people take photos now or selfies with either one of us, a lot of people just do it in Snapchat now. Yeah. And then save it so it does both. Oh, so they're saving it while they're doing it. Yeah. See, I don't know how to do that. Do you save the ones you send to me?

Not always, usually not. Is there a button to allow you to choose? Yeah, there's a little download post. Before you post. Before you post, do you press it? Oh, okay. Or if it's on your store, you could download it later too. It's interesting at least I'm learning.

Yeah, for once. But you can't save other people's. That's the whole thing. And you can't take a screenshot of it. You can. You can. You can take a screenshot of a photo, but it just lets them know. Speaking of learning and teaching, this question is actually about that topic.

Cool. Ben, do you have a guy's name for us? Sure. Henry Bolts. And what's his last name? Henry Bolts' first name and his last name is, is, is a pearl. P-E-U-U-R-L-HARD-K. Capital K.

Capital K at the end, pearl. What's his first name? Uh, Harold Bolts. Harold Bolts? Harold Bolts. That was a pearl. The Harry Bolts? No, I feel bad because it's a woman who wrote it.

But same name. Yeah, it works. Uh, let's keep it simple. I love my boyfriend. He's kind-hearted, generous, always takes care of me. We have a good thing going. The end? Yeah.

All right. That's all she wrote for real? Oh, there's one issue. Oh, no. Upon sending him a link to a funny SNL video about Bernie Sanders, I learned a shocking fact. Oh, no. He has no idea who Bernie Sanders is.

Not too crazy, right? Upon further digging, I found out he doesn't know who Hillary Clinton is, Donald Trump, or the name of our current vice president. He's, he's kidding. He doesn't know any of the president's past Bush for that matter, or basic facts about American history. He's not foreign, he's lived his whole life here. The final shock I received is that he doesn't know the difference between a Democrat or

a Republican. Now, he isn't so clueless about other things. He's really good at math and science, much better than I could ever hope to be. But these are basic things about the world that even the most ill-informed people are somewhat aware of. The problem is, though, I love them. I'm not so sure I can be with someone who has no idea about basic current events. We're both 23.

Is it too late to educate him on these matters, or should I simply call it quits? Does it matter if your partner is not your intellectual equal? Sincerely, Harold Boltz-Perilk. I'm going to say a couple of things, Harold Boltz-Perilk. If it's something that concerns you, very much... Well, first of all, that doesn't mean he's stupid. It means he's uninformed. True.

There's a difference between being smart and being knowledgeable. I think that's very smart, that the word you just used. Thank you. Because I have the knowledge to use them. Oh, never mind. I made a mistake, you're an idiot. I think that if it's something that really concerns you, you should bring it up and be like, hey, I'm really into politics.

It's a little bit... I was like, do you want to... I don't know exactly the words to use, but it'd be like, if it's something that really bothers you, it's going to continue to bother you. You should bring it up and be like, hey, be cool if we learned about this together, or we could talk about it stuff that really interests me and things like that. Or if he doesn't know, start to explain it to him. See if he gets interested.

I would not give up on a relationship because of that unless you find out, unless you find out maybe he is in a point, you feel like he's so not equal with you intellectually that you think it's disturbing the relationship and decision making and stuff like that. But if you think he's a smart guy and he just doesn't know anything about politics and you really love him like you say you do, then see if he wants to get involved with like learn about politics stuff like that. Tell him how much it means to you. Yeah.

You can learn... Smart. It just means you have the capacity to learn. That's correct. So he just hasn't spent, I don't know how you can avoid knowing who Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is. I agree with what Ben's saying, but I think this is so egregious that she could make a really big deal out of it too.

That he doesn't. It is crazy not to know anybody. She could pretty much shame him into like, you have to know the two, I mean the three like leading presidential candidates, you should know them. By the way, even if he's not into politics, isn't Donald Trump on TV and like a businessman? Yeah. It's hard to avoid that. It's like...

But maybe he knows a lot of stuff that she doesn't know anything about. He knows a lot about science. That's true. But wilderness or... But I think you could be like, hey, that's ridiculous. You should know this stuff. That's basic. And like if you're really into politics, then I agree you just say like, hey, I'm this,

I'm like getting really... Yeah, so this is important for me for you to know this stuff. I want to talk about this stuff with you. I'm like really passionate about this election. Yeah. I love you and I love this stuff. I love to talk about it. Is that cool?

Okay. That answers your first question. We're all seemingly on the same page. Does it matter if your partner is not your intellectual equal? Do you like somebody to be dumber, as smart, or smarter than you? For me? Excuse me. For me, I like people to be smarter than me.

As smart or smarter... Not to say that I'm a very smart person, but as smart or smarter than me, I think that is something I'm into with women. I'm attracted to people who are smart and have their shit together. Jacob? Yeah. I am attracted to people who are smart. I think the issue actually comes from, is it okay that my partner is not my intellectual

equal? She's not giving him enough credit. There's got like, she says herself that he's better at science and math than she could ever hope to be. So that's right away, you know, she's not an equal when it comes to that. Maybe she's got a superior knowledge of politics. I think she has to recognize his strengths and her strengths and his weaknesses and her weaknesses and find some sort of like middle ground.

Right. But I don't think it's ever black and white. It's like, I'm smart, you're dumb. It's like, I'm smart at this, I excel at this, and you don't. And what matters is, are they smart at things that you want them to be smart at? Right. Because people can be smart or knowledgeable in different things. Right.

And some of it is like book smart. I know a lot of trivia. Some of it is just like, I have the ability to change a tire. I don't know how to do that. But how much for the three of us, or maybe I don't have a wealth of knowledge of this, how much about the political landscape do you know? How much do you know the difference between Hillary and Bernie? I know we know about them.

I know we know some of their points of view, but like, do you know, do you already in both of you guys know exactly who you want to vote for? Do you have all the facts? Do you know what I mean? No. I'm vaguely aware of this stuff. Jake is more so. I'm really into politics, but I also, I don't know who I'm voting for between Hillary and

Bernie. Right. But that's not because I don't know what they stand for. I mean, he doesn't know the difference between Democrat and Republican. By the way, there's lots of things to separate him, but there's like huge points that separate him as well. I mean, and that like, I think the difference between Democrat and Republican, the difference between Bernie and Hillary is actually like slightly more.

Well, those are two Democrats. Yeah. But I'm saying like that's slightly more acceptable. I know what you're saying. Oh, I don't really know like what they stand for because they both like generally stand for Democratic issues. Right. I don't know the difference between like Bernie or, I mean, like Hillary and Trump.

Right. That's insane. Like that, that actually, well, he, according to this, he doesn't know who Donald Trump is or who Joe Biden is. Right. To not know the difference between Democrat and Republican is like a pretty big one. But it's something you can teach if you think he's smart. Yeah.

If he knows math and science. What about you? What about you? I mean. With intelligence. Yeah. If he wants to date somebody that's like, oh, I feel like I can't have a conversation with you.

Or just that they feel that they're dumb or that they're going to make the wrong decision. Right. Because it's like that's a big thing. Having, having the skill set to know when you're doing something right or wrong is a huge thing. Or like if you left them alone to their own devices, like do you trust them to be competent? Wow. That's very smart.

Yeah. Well, that's, I think that goes back to appreciating somebody's certain kind of smarts because somebody might like know a ton of languages, but if you put them in a city, they wouldn't know how to, they would like don't have any spatial awareness or something. And yeah, it's true. Like I, there are certain aspects of dumbness or intelligence that I wouldn't want to deal with. Like you're saying I would not want to be with somebody who is helpless if they got

lost. Right. Right. Or if you're at a party, just didn't know what to do. Right. Who didn't know how to talk to people. That's right. I want somebody who's like emotionally intelligent.

My third dates are always the same thing, pick up a girl in an Uber. I take her. Is this real or no? Totally real. Okay. Blindfolded to a helipad. And then we go up, up and away. She has no idea where she is.

Of course. It's an hour long flight every single time. Exactly an hour. Hey, this is all normal. Get to the weird part. Well, I drop her in an area whether we go out and back. Like she and she dies? No.

She doesn't die. Of course. Yeah. Drop her in an area. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. I lower her into a very secluded area.

This is all third date stuff. Yes. Like Los Angelinos National Forest or something. And she has whatever basic survival stuff. You give her a backpack of bases that we know, dude. She gets to the weird part. Eidine capsules. Actually, Eidine capules.

That's like, that's to kill yourself. Keep going. That's Eidine. Yeah. I also give her that just in case she starts to. And she doesn't know which one is which. Right. It's a red pill and a blue pill.

And then a shiv, a net. No, are these things to kill herself? Yes, these are all things to kill yourself. This is all normal. This is all normal. Get to the weird. If she can survive, I'm like, okay, she's capable, smart enough to have at least survived long enough for me to find her.

And you never jump down there. You stay in that helicopter. Of course I don't jump down. I'm a scared little cold boy. Right. I'm shivering up there in the helicopter. What do you give her when she succeeds? When she succeeds.

And has anybody ever succeeded? Two people have succeeded. I give them the same thing. And how many people have you lost in Angelinos National Forest? Close to 90. And of the two people that survived, what did they have to say to you? I give them the same thing. What?

A tap on the back and a hearty grin. Cyanide pill. A firm handshake and a fourth date. How many people out of those nine took the date? Two. Those two took the date. Neither of them. They were so mad at me.

Did you leave me in the forest? So that number's up to 92? When I said close to 90, I meant over 90. Oh, how high, how high over 90? 106. You knew the exact number. Why would you even say 90? I was trying to soft sell it.

Oh, hold on a word. I've been saving all my money just to get me there. Do you guys ever listen to Crosby, Sonesh, Andrew Young? Jake, get off your phone. We're in a podcast. I was checking the time. Dear Theodore. Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?

You have my nose. You have your uncle's teeth. How did that happen? I fucked your uncle fast. Dear Theodosia, I'm so sorry. I messed you up. You're part of me and your uncle. And I don't know what to do or say you're screwed.

There's a lot of Hamilton fans just loving this part of the show. You're not. You still like the song. That's a deep cut. Question for the room. Sure. This might be the last film we got to wrap up. Well, that's what my question was.

When you looked at your clock, what time is it? We're near an hour. I actually forget. I think it was 12.42 or 12.46 or something. Oh, it wasn't? Yeah. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't one. So it wasn't really like what time is it?

What do you have to do at one? We have an editing session for a very exciting project that we haven't announced yet. And we still won't. I know about it, right? Yeah. We told you. How does it feel? It's fun.

Good. It'd be fun to do an entire interview about that project without announcing it. Like, yeah, it's been really creatively satisfying. It's, frankly, I don't even know if we can keep this part of the show. Yeah, we can. Yeah, you can. You don't know what you're talking about. Do you have anything to promote yourself?

Where did this come out? Monday, February 15th. This is right after the NBA All-Star Game, so you can't promote that. No, the NBA All-Star Game, guys. Check it out. Just happened. Would being in the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game be a dream for you? I don't think so.

I don't think so. You'd be able to play in Tonight vs. Kevin Hart and Ludacris. I don't think, I don't think I would like that type of attention for some reason. Is that weird? You're pretty good at basketball. I'm pretty good at basketball. And you get to hang out with like, you get coached by Drake, right? Yeah.

But being on camera and playing bad, I don't know, I don't know why it feels a bit weird. Maybe it'd be great. Maybe I'm just nervous because I'm afraid that I won't do well and people will be like, look at him. But maybe I'll do great and everybody will be like, wow, look at him. Yeah. I think you're deceptively good at basketball. Like, you don't look as good as you are at basketball.

I don't look as good. You mean my body? If I were to look at you, I'd be like, I wouldn't think you're as good as basketball as you are. People wouldn't think that I play basketball. As well as you do. Right. Because I look like a muppet.

Yeah. I've heard that before. I've heard that before while playing basketball. Which is weird. Like, oh man, I never would have guessed. Like, that's kind of mean. But all right. Yeah.

That's kind of. What do I have to plug? Your Snapchat? Go to my website, rejectedjokes.com, did a bunch of videos with a bunch of NFL guys. That really fun Rex Ryan. Oh man, the Kirk. Kirk Cousins. Kirk Cousins videos.

That was really, really fun. Thanks guys. You guys both messaged me. It was really nice. I used to do that when I watched. Jake and Mary really liked it. I used to always email you guys afterwards. Yeah, you would.

Of course. I always meant it. And the ones that didn't email? No worries. What else? Rejectedjokes.com. Go to atrejectedjokes on Twitter and Instagram. And I guess rejectedjokes0 on Snapchat.

I'm trying to think if there's anything coming. How's the lies? How's lies comes out in April, April 10th and then. That's funny because that's one will be in New Haven, Connecticut with each other. Oh wow. I guess we'll watch it all together. New Haven. New Haven.

That's what's up. And then I don't know. I'm doing some shows with Middle Ditch at Largo, but they're sold out. Sorry boys. One on the 20th. And then there's one in March. Sold out? February sold out.

And we haven't announced one in March yet. We're going to announce it soon. And that's it. It's pretty good. That's a lot of shit happening. No, it isn't. It's just my social media. Sorry, I wasn't listening.

What'd you say? He's charting a helicopter. I put a fucking tracking device on this girl's ankle and she's getting pretty close to the border of the park. I think I have to be there. What happens to the border? Is that wrong or good? She's actually getting...

Ah shit. Sadly close to the house and she's moving way too quick. I see her. I could see her from here. She's pissed. She is pissed. She's got iodine and... What's the other one?

Cyanide. Cyanide in her hands. She's kicking the door down. She keeps winking at me like I made a mistake. I don't even know this woman. Honestly, the edge of the park is just the beginning of her journey. This is what I dropped off a fucking year ago too. So she was out there getting stronger.

She is looking husky and hairy right now. She is really... It looks like she has the corpse of a different woman that was left there a while ago. She's eating Marty. She's eating our roommate Marty. You know what? Marty should know better. What do you guys have to plug?

Jake, do you have anything to plug? Snapchat. JakeDemand85. Snap me a picture of your ticket to any of our shows. I will snap you back a real happy little picture. Not of my penis, but it will make you feel good. My butthole at the very least. A little bit of a brown eye.

And I'm Amir Bloom. That's A-M-I-R-B-L-O-O-M on Snapchat. Ben, thanks for coming on episode 200. I'm so happy. 200 episodes guys. Where does the time go? I can't believe it's been 100 since we did that at your old place. God, it's scary, huh?

We're all getting older. Do you feel that all the time? All right. We'll be back on Thursday or Monday this week. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back soon. We'll be back soon. If I were you, if I were you to show

I'd need some money soon To miss fraud, such a bad crime If I were you, if I were you to show Should I break up with my last She cheated on me 12 times If I were you, if I were you to show I'd tinder every day I'd swipe into my dumb soul

If I were you, if I were you to show The pinch can help me out So just show him a grab If I were you, if I were you to show If I were you, if I were you to show