Imaginary Worlds - Bond, Bond, and James Bond: An Audio Drama

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

There’s a fan theory that James Bond is a codename, and all of the Bond movies are in a single chronological order. In this original audio drama, James Bond is not a film series but rather an MI6 program (or programme) where agents embody the persona of “James Bond” until they retire from the field one way or another. I talk with three characters who served as 007 until their number was up. Their stints as James Bond happened to coincide with the off years for the franchise in the real world. Featuring Pavel Douglas, James Brown and Will de Rezny-Martin as Bonds of different generations. This week’s episode is sponsored by Henson Shaving and Ship Station. Visit hensonshaving.com/worlds to pick the razor for you and use the code WORLDS to get two years' worth of blades free with your razor – just make sure to add them to your cart. Go to shipstation.com and use the code IMAGINARY to sign up for your FREE 60-day trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Imaginary Worlds. I'm Eric Molinski. When I began this podcast years ago, I always knew that I wanted to do episodes where I don't just cover imaginary worlds. I want to create them as well. In previous episodes I've interviewed Captain Hook, vampires, H.P. Lovecraft's Brain in a Jar, colonists on the moon, and last year I interviewed the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. I've decided I want to make audio dramas an annual tradition. Keep one foot in an imaginary world.

So sit back, relax, and for the rest of the episode, suspend your disbelief. A story was recently leaked to the British media and it seemed too incredible to be true. MI6 apparently has a secret agent program where a series of men over the past 60 years have all been acting as the same secret agent. He has a number, 007, and he has a code name, James Bond. According to this report, MI6 likes to train orphans to be James Bond, so there's no baggage, no connections. They can inhabit the role fully. They even created a fake coat of arms for the Bond family.

So if you met a James Bond in 1964 or 1984 or 2004, it's not the same person, but he will look sharp in a tuxedo and he'll order a martini, shaken not stirred. It's a weak drink which allows him to detect poison. He's like a character out of a movie. Except in this world, James Bond movies don't exist. James Bond is a real man, technically a series of men. It's an interesting choice for MI6 because presumably every government in the world knows about the James Bond program.

So when somebody introduces themselves as James Bond, everybody knows that they work for MI6, but nobody knows who they actually are. Ever since the story was leaked to the media, people have been trying to figure out if it's true or an urban legend. I never thought that I would get caught up in this story, but I can tell you for a fact it's true. I met James Bond. I also met James Bond in another James Bond. I met three different men who all claimed to have been part of the James Bond program. And I barely survived meeting them.

It all started on a trip to London. I was there for a podcasting conference. I was asking around about the James Bond program, but only because I found the story fascinating. I got back to my hotel and there was an invitation waiting for me on my desk. It was an invitation to a meeting, and it said that I was welcome to bring my recording equipment. I ended up at this old decrepit hotel far from the center of London. The taxi driver thought I was crazy, but I told him this was the right address. I was about to knock when this ridiculously handsome man opened the door. He was wearing a tuxedo.

I was definitely not wearing a tuxedo. Mr. Malinsky, I'm surprised to see you alive. What? It's a joke. I've been told that many times. I never get tired of it. Come, I'll introduce you to the others. Who are you? Bond. James Bond. He led me through this old abandoned hotel lobby. There are two other men waiting for me, each of them dressed in a tuxedo.

They shook my hand. Bond. James Bond. Bond. James Bond. The men were three different generations, and in my mind I thought of them as older Bond, middle-aged Bond, and younger Bond. The older Bond was holding a cigarette and a martini, and he told me he was actually

the fifth man to take on the role of 007. I served as James Bond from 1990 until 1994. I had a shorter stint from 2003 to 2005. And I've been Bond since 2021. You're currently working with MI6 as James Bond? Correct. Why are you talking to me? I mean, shouldn't she be in some secret location or at like a squanky party with like high rolling criminals? That was last night.

I'm on holiday. Someone I met on my last mission. In fact, she's currently waiting for me in Tahiti. I flew in just for this meeting. You should be honored, you know. I think I'm more confused. We can explain. Have a seat.

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head to h-e-n-s-o-n-s-h-a-v-i-n-g dot com slash WORLDZ and use the code WORLDZ. Let's return to my interview with three different versions of James Bond. We sat down in these very comfortable chairs in the lobby of this empty hotel. I began by talking with the oldest of the three Bonds. Although you'll hear the middle-aged bond and the younger bond chime in occasionally. The oldest bond told me he was not the first man to enlist in the James Bond program. Well, officially there were four bonds before me. Some were legends and the stories they told you wouldn't believe. Only some of them were legends? The first was a true legend. However, the second one was a bit of a dud, so they brought the first Bond back for another mission in 71.

Interestingly, they brought him back again in 83 while the third Bond was on active duty. It was a clerical error. Two Bonds at once. We were the laughing stock of the CIA and the KGB. Hmph. My predecessor, Bond No. 4, he was a good man. He brought gravitas to the job. Unfortunately, the higher-ups didn't care for him.

He got sacked. I began in 1990. I was selected to have the best traits, you see. I already had the physique and charisma of the First Bond. And the eyebrows. Eyebrows are a highly underrated erogenous zone you know. I did not know that. They trained me to have the charm and humor of Bond number three. He could kill you with a twinkle in his eye and a

pun. Excellent puns. My kill rate was top-notch and I was brought the cars back in one piece. Q said I was the first Bond ever to do that. And I looked fantastic in a tux. Still do, old man. Oh, you're too kind. But I was considered a failure. Why? The Bond program was a Cold War initiative. Oh, right, because you started in 1990. Yeah, the Berlin Wall fell the year prior. The Soviet Union collapsed in my second year. I mean, you can be the best bond in the world, but if you don't have an adversary, how can anyone know you're simply the best? What I wouldn't have done to infiltrate a lair. Do you mean like a like a villain's lair? No, no, no, no, no, we would never call them villains. They're adversaries,

men who are our match in every way possible. They're usually non-government independent actors on the world stage. In fact, they often pitted the global powers against each other, hoping to reap the rewards. And their lairs were legendary. I knew all the buns before me. Their adversaries were mad. I mean, wonderfully mad. They wanted global domination, or to wipe out the human race

and repopulate it. One of them built his lair into a volcano in Japan. I mean, genius, genius. Another lair was built behind a waterfall. There was a submersible mansion, an airship, a space station, a skyscraper in Las Vegas. That one I was skeptical of. But he swore it was fearsome.

Apparently, he had toore it was fearsome. Apparently he had to scale the entire building himself. Even the chalets and mansions had secret passageways and trap shoots. I soaked up everything I could from my predecessors. I trained with poison gas, trap doors, being tied up in ropes, holding my breath underwater, dodging crocodiles, scaling lift shafts, maneuvering through a pipe while dismantling a deadly but slowly moving robotic rover. That's a very specific situation. Do you know what I ended up infiltrating?

No. Absolutely bloody nothing. My adversaries were either Russian monsters picking over the carcass of the Soviet Union or terrorists. But these weren't the type of terrorists we think of now. They were vaguely European. They were obsessed with hijacking airplanes, submarines, city buses. If they weren't hijacking, they were infiltrating office buildings, hockey arenas, banks, prisons. I was supposed to be the one doing the

infiltrating, but I spent my time trying to stop them. Sometimes it was a high value target like Air Force One, but often I was protecting infrastructure. American infrastructure. Humiliating. And do you know what these so-called villains wanted? Money. Sometimes revenge, which is even more boring. Their henchmen were paid mercenaries with no tricks up their sleeve. No razor-sharp hats that can slice the head off a statue, or a giant man with metal teeth.

On more than one occasion, I faced off against a teenage hacker. A teenage hacker? That's how they were able to open doors. Smug little bastards would tap away at their keyboards chewing gum. Doors would magically open. I'd hear them over the comms saying, Hey, I'm in. Fireballs were crap back then." I lasted longer than the bond before me, but I got sacked.

I handed in my Walter PPK, my poison tart pan, and my briefcase, which, incidentally, folded out into a snowboard. Never had a chance to use it. Shame. As I was leaving, I saw one of my predecessors, one of the legends. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, Tough break. He knew I was put out to waste. Wow. That sucks. Eloquently put. So you've not been in the field for like thirty years. What have you been doing? Freelance work.

For who? If I told you that, I'd have to kill you. Oh. It's a joke, but I still have a license to kill. After a certain point, I couldn't do fieldwork anymore. Bonds don't rest easy in retirement. We don't sit back and watch telly. So I took a class on coding.

Like computer coding? Bonds are hands-on men. We're not men behind keyboards. I was mocked by teenage hackers, so yes, I took a course on coding. I built an app. Really? It's just a household app. Still needs beta testing, but it can dim the lights. Oh. It sets the temperature, turns off security systems, and Q was mightily impressed.

Wow. I mean, I guess that's kind of empowering, because I mean, like, you didn't get to infiltrate layers, but you can kind of control your own layer, kind of, at a smaller scale? Something like that. Huh. So, I have another question for any of you. Why bother with their personas? Like, from what I've read, the CIA had a similar program

and the code name was Felix Leiter? Yes. But there's no consistency to the different Felix Leiters. They're totally different agents. No personality traits between them that they share. They just use the code name Felix Leiter in the field. But Bond is like a character that you all inhabit. Like, what's the point?

I can answer that. Branding. Branding? By 1962, the empire was crumbling. Britain was in the unfamiliar and uncomfortable position of being squeezed between the United States and the Soviet Union. We saw ourselves as your partner, but you treated us as errand boys. To play devil's advocate, MI6 had been plagued with Soviet moles from the 30s, so it's no wonder you didn't trust us.

More importantly, in the field, we had no authority. They kept asking our agents to run things up the chain, which meant up through London to Washington, as if we answered to you. We had to rebrand ourselves. James Bond was designed to be something no one in the field saw us as. The epitome of cool. But, like, if this is the early 60s,

wasn't the British invasion, didn't it, hadn't that already started? Do you know what the first Bond had to say about the Beatles? They were best listened to with earmuffs. The Beatles were working class, long-haired musicians from Liverpool. Hardly spy material. Bond was created to be the embodiment of what a man in the modern age should be. We were selected based on personality traits that already overlapped with the persona. We could hold our liquor. We were ladies men, to use an outdated phrase.

And we were unflinching when it came to the choices necessary to achieve the mission, no matter the cost. All right, so hold on. I'm so sorry, but I forget. When were you James Bond? 2003 to 2005. Oh, so it was only two years. It was a very eventful two years. I can't give you the details of my first mission, but the Lair was everything he dreamed of. Oh, Christ. It was built into an island.

I had to infiltrate the compound by submersible. There were armies of henchmen, arsenals of weapons. He had a mad plan for world domination. You lucky bastard. You're leaving out one important detail. Yes. I met my wife on that mission. Really? Bonds are great seducers. It's part of the job, and a part of the job that we relish, sometimes to our detriment. Each of us has ended up in bed with someone who tried to kill us before and afterward. Some of us enjoy the close calls,

and some of us fall in love. It's happened twice, the second Bond from 1969 and the Bond who came after me. In both cases they were ready to leave the job behind and live a quieter life. But their lovers were killed. Thankfully mine was not. Who are these women that you're meeting on the job? Sometimes they're working for our adversaries. Sometimes they're our contacts in the field. When I met my wife she was working for my adversary. The relationship was more than professional but she was having doubts. We defeated him together. And you're still together?

More than twenty years. Good lord. It wasn't easy. I wanted to stay in the field, so I went back to work. Still seducing women? That was a point of discussion. I told her it was part of the job, but she was not pleased. I had to promise to be faithful. The truth is that part of the job wasn't fun for me anymore,

but my predecessors had set out certain expectations. A certain type of woman would seek me out. I became the ultimate tease. I flirted with a killer instinct, but James Bond doesn't flirt without a payoff. So the rumour spread that I was gay, which could have worked as a deflection, but the men expected me to sleep with them. It was taxing. I started ordering stronger and stronger martinis, which made me sloppy. So I quit. Cold sober. I tried ordering non-alcoholic drinks but that raised too many questions. I didn't know what to do with my hands without a drink. I tried smoking more but the indoor smoking bans were starting.

So you were James Bond who didn't drink or smoke or sleep with anyone. My kill rate was excellent. I bet it was. So was my completion rate. I started speeding through missions. Once you're not seducing women or going to elegant parties, I became something closer to special ops. The other complication is that we started having kids.

At one point, I was trapped inside a missile silo tied to a rocket. My daughter's birthday party was going to begin in two hours. I actually contemplated going up in the rocket, dismantling it in mid-air, and parachuting down into London for the party. But I had to finish the job on sight. I saved the world. And when I got home my daughter wouldn't speak to me for three days. So I quit.

Do you miss it? Of course. But I got to experience the thrills vicariously. I was embedded in M's office from 2005 until 2012, coordinating missions for the Bond who followed me. He was Moneypenny. What's Moneypenny? I didn't use that code name. We still called you Moneypenny behind your back. It was an excellent job. Every year Em raised my salary. I sent my daughters to excellent schools. I took my family on exotic vacations. I drove an Aston

Martin to work. But you're not there anymore? Ah, I became too expensive. So I took the buyout. The girl who succeeded me is brilliant. Her last name is Moneypenny, amazingly. That's good. Thankfully my wife makes a decent salary. She's a model and a nuclear physicist. And we needed someone to help out around the house, drive the girls to their music lessons. They're teenagers now. We're going to have an empty nest soon. Did you say your wife is a model and a nuclear physicist? Mm-hmm. I mean, it's not uncommon in our line of work. Huh. I mean, what are you going to do now? Well, that's where you come in. First, we have another tale to tell.

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And you were Bond 30 years ago. Yes. And you are the current James Bond. Exactly. I began in 2021 after my predecessor died. Oh my god, I didn't even think about that. How many Bonds have died on the job? Four. The last one had a long storied run, but there were three other Bonds who were killed on their first missions.

1968, 1972, and 1986. They're forgotten to history, redacted from the official records. But we remember them. We know the sacrifice it takes. So I still don't understand this. Why are you talking to me? Like, you the current Bond. Why would you want your voice to be heard publicly? I won't be Bond for much longer. I read reports every day that a new Bond is about to be chosen. It's been going on for years, this imminent announcement. I'm not even on a regular contract. I'm essentially a contracted killer. Like a permatemp? Indeed. Permatemp Bond. I have to say the three of you sound a little bitter towards MI6, like you, like all three of you

have an axe to grind. The problem is much bigger than MI6. The CIA is even worse. In the past, the Felix Leiter program would employ agents for at least a year, some for many years. In the past three years, the CIA has put five different Felix Leiters into the field. The Russians have the opposite problem. I heard this directly from an enemy operative.

We were debriefing, so to speak. Those were the days. You remember Ivana Lovanova? The Russians are still using that code name? No, she's still working the field. You're joking. She looks fantastic. Hasn't missed a step. Good for her. No, it's still working the field. You're joking. Well, she looks fantastic. Hasn't missed a step.

Good for her. No, it's not good for her. She wanted to retire years ago, but she's got grandchildren to support. Oh, it's brutal out there. That's when I came to a realization. These two agreed with me. There's no difference between the major powers. MI6, CIA, whatever them Russians are calling the KGB these days.

There's no good or evil, there are no sides anymore, there are just people with power, and those who do their bidding. It doesn't matter whether we have the perfect kill rate, it doesn't matter whether we return the equipment in one piece. You can be the best bond in history, but eventually they'll replace you with a younger, faster, more efficient and affordable model. Hmm. They may hand you fancy gadgets, but no one will hand you any real power. You have to take it for yourself without asking permission. Take matters into your own hands.

May I have your phone, Mr. Bond? By all means, Mr. Bond. You remember my hobby? You mean the apps for smart homes? I didn't mention what kind of homes they were designed for. Oh my god. Okay. Wow. Okay, so the walls just started moving. Oh, in fact, they're gone. We're not in a hotel. This is a giant complex. Oh, the floor is moving. There's multiple floors

with staircases on all sides. And there's a giant control center in the middle with lots of knobs and buttons. And it's all made out of stainless steel. We decided to go into business for ourselves. The real estate business. You're not making houses, you're making layers. Quick off the mark, aren't you? This compound is a prototype. Going rate is 500 million US dollars. There's a rocket launcher and a gym on every floor.

They have the largest internet server in the world, able to withstand any apocalyptic event. Everything in the compound is connected by Bluetooth to our proprietary app. It's a killer app. Well put. In fact, the entire layer is proprietary. No one knows how to build them as well as we do. No one has studied them as much as we have. I don't think this is going to work. To the contrary, we've been in contact with moguls and billionaires in California, Switzerland, Mumbai, and Hong Kong. How do you think we finance this prototype? I'm actually not talking about the real estate. I mean, I'm sure you can sell these things.

I'm talking about your real plan. Like, you guys want to be cool again. Like, you feel like the world has kind of left you behind, and this is going to fix that. Take a look at the world around us. Men don't want to be James Bond types anymore. We were taught that our adversaries were villains. But in reality, they were punk.

They were not the real deal. They were the real deal. We were taught that our adversaries were villains. But in reality they were... Punk. Punk? They wanted to destabilise the system. There's nothing more punk than that. The Bonds were trained to keep them in check.

The system wanted us to cancel each other out. Now if you combine the two, we'll be unstoppable. Well then why do you need me? We want to start a podcast. Oh, okay, wow. All right, so the center of the room just flipped around and there's like a sound studio in front of me, like a state-of-the-art sound studio. Format simple. Three of us talking for an hour each week. But sometimes we'll have guests.

What you recorded tonight will be our first episode. There are millions of people who'll take to our message once they hear it. Hardly any of them can afford the layers, of course, but they can work in them. We designed matching uniforms for them. They'll feel cool through association. It's all in the branding.

You see, we thought the problem was that Bond was a relic of the Cold War. The real problem was that he was a product of the nuclear age. We live in the information age. Whoever controls the narrative, controls the world. And you guys want me to be your podcast producer? We can make it worth your while. And we launch the show with a built-in audience. You leak the story of the media. One of you did, of the James Bond program.

Well, it certainly piqued your interest. It did. I appreciate the offer, and I'm really, I'm'm flattered but I'm gonna pass. Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. Am I free to go? Of course you are. Why do I feel like I'm like gonna walk out the door and you'll kill me or like I'll fall through a trap door filled with barracudas or something. Don't be ridiculous. The stairs are right up through the-

Okay, thanks everyone, bye. Crap. Press the button. The other button. You should have hired a teenage hacker. Oh shut up, Moneypenny. Got it! I barely got out of there alive. I told the police what happened. When they got to the

address the hotel was empty. The next day I read that the building had sold for $600 million in crypto. That is it for this week. Special thanks to Pavel Douglas, James Brown, and Will Derezny-Martin. My assistant producer is Stephanie Billman. If you liked the show, please leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. Or mention it on social media. It always helps people discover imaginary worlds. You can even text it to your friends. We started a new show called Between Imaginary Worlds.

It's a more casual chat show that is only available to listeners who pledge on Patreon. Between Imaginary Worlds comes included with the ad-free version of the show that you can get on Patreon. You can also buy an ad-free subscription on Apple Podcasts. If you donate to the show on Patreon, different levels, you get either free Imaginary World stickers, a mug, or a t-shirt, and a link to a Dropbox account, which has the full-length interviews of every guest in every episode. You can subscribe to the show's newsletter at ImaginaryWorldsPodcast.org.