In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - Keepin' it real sex talk and the BIG ⭕️ w/ Dr. UC Ossai

Episode Date: August 28, 2019

In this day and age, there's no lack of misinformation out there regarding sex and intimacy, shaping our lives and the world we live in. So, on today's In Your Pants podcast, Dr. UC and I bust common sex myths and fairy tales around intimacy.  Here are the cliff notes from today's episode: - Intimacy is not just this feminine thang - "It's about being seen and heard" - Sexy time is not usually the issue, it's the intimacy and the underlying relationship - Judgement is a human thing but the underlying issue is being aware of our judgements of others but most importantly the judgements that we have about ourselves - Sex is not porn, it's entertainment, but yet it compromises a lot of the education around sex and intimacy - Porn is an incomplete picture of how sex and gender work - "It's an incomplete picture of life" - Dr. UC - Expectations are a buzz kill in the bedroom - Sex is about people experiencing pleasure - Normalizing common sexual experiences like performance anxiety - When life happens, your sexual taste buds and hunger fluctuate and that's ok, it's a normal human experience - Sex positive body vibes and how genital body image is a factor in our sexual experiences and intimacy - Orgasm is an experience not a mechanical process - "The peak of sexual pleasure in that moment" - Dr. UC definition bomb 💣 - Orgasm lives on a spectrum and is different for every person - You are NOT responsible for your partner's O - Women and pleasure versus men and pleasure historically speaking - Context matters! - Grief with pelvic pain and how it impacts intimacy, sense of control, and spontaneity - The average sexual encounter lasts 6 minutes #truthbomb - How you can comfortably open up to your partner about your sexual curiosities in a gentle and safe way

You're listening to In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G, the physiotherapist for your private, helping you get in the know down below. Hey guys, it's Dr. Susie G here and welcome to another episode of the In Your Pants podcast. I'm so glad that you're able to join us today. We've got a good one for you, so perk up your ears. Today, we're talking about sex ed myths and myths around expectations, around lasting longer in bed and orgasms. We also talk about the topic of intimacy and we end up chatting about orgasms and where

orgasms come from, what's the definition of an orgasm and some things that can influence our experience of an orgasm. And to help me do this today, I have a very special guest on our show, Dr. Uchenna Yusi Asai. She is a pelvic health physical therapist and sexuality educator and a certified sexuality counselor. She's actually the only black physical therapist in the world with this designation. Dr. Yussi is the creator and founder of Yussi Logic, spelled U-Y-O-U-S-E-E Logic, a sex education platform that's dedicated to improving the sexual intelligence of adults through innovative content and honest discussion that is free of judgment. Her video series, Bourbon Tales, is where she answers questions about sex, the pelvic floor,

and everything in between while sipping on her favorite bourbon beverage. During the day, Dr. Yussi is an assistant professor at UT Austin Dell Medical School and manager of the pelvic health physical therapy program at UT Health Austin. She also serves as adjunct faculty at University of Michigan School of Social Work Sexual Health Certification Program. I am so excited to present this episode to you today. I hope you enjoy it. Kick back, relax, and maybe grab your own favorite bourbon beverage. Hey, Dr. UC. Thank you so much for being with me tonight on the Dance Podcast. Thanks for having me. I'm super stoked to chat with you all tonight. Thank you. I feel so honored to be a guest. Well, we've got some really big

topics on today's agenda. Lots. We do. And I think I'm going to start it off with something that you posted recently on your Instagram page, which by the way, everyone, it's fantastic. So if you ever, if you're on Instagram, which you probably are, go ahead and follow UC logic because she's awesome. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. I, um, you know, it's, it's a labor of love it really is it's a labor of love and it's super fun awesome so it's so yeah so you talked about intimacy and there was a specific segment that you were listening to when somebody was describing you know what is intimacy yes some of the myths around intimacy because I can imagine that there's a lot of misconceptions about intimacy and our belief

yeah you know the thing about it is everyone thinks that like intimacy is like this like feminine feminine construct right it's just truly not right and i you know i was listening to sexologist shamira so y'all should hear her she's dope woman of color black woman who's sexologist therapist and she just drops truth bombs every single day and she was on this um youtube interview talking about intimacy and it's been talking about how really intimacy is about intimacy is about being seen and being heard right and being kind of and having that reciprocal reciprocity in that process and it's not just in romantic relationships right it's either it's in your friendships because I think for me fundamentally you know when I when I'm listening to a lot of

my clients and patients where they're talking when they're coming to me with sexual problems really it's they're having intimacy problems where they don't feel like they're being heard and they don't feel like they're being seen right and then their partner isn't able isn't feeling that as well right it's it's really the barrier the primary barrier it's not sexy time it's not the doing it that they're on the struggle bus with they're on the struggle bus with intimacy and I was all kinds of sure because she was just saying like it's really about really having being vulnerable enough to tell this person that you're not being seen to tell this person that you're not being heard and then having that space and and being able to receive that for your

partner or partners however you however you sweat swing right and being able to receive that and say like yes i hear you yes you can be vulnerable yes you can be raw with me and yes you're safe and i'm not going to love you or appreciate you less and that is intimacy right and like also like my recent posts, I said, you know, how we view sex, how we experience sex really has a lot to do with the life that we are living in the life that we experience. It's not just about hard penis, wet pussy, tight ass. Right. Like that's just, like I said, it's helpful. Like that's super fun. Right. Right. That's just one piece of it. Right. And, and it sounds to me like you're talking about acceptance like you're talking about one another accepting each other for

who they are what they bring to the table without judgment hey and you know what like let's be real like we all judge we judge the hell of ourselves we judge the hell out of each other and like you know my platform is like yeah judgment free and it's not it's not really about like void of judgment but it's really about understanding where that judgment comes from right because it's it's not about the other person it's really about us it's really about ourselves and that's that's really about that's what set starts from is you individually right it's not about you know yes it's about the other person but first you have to be comfortable in your own skin right and like when you when you have people who are living with pelvic floor issues pain whatnot like your sense

of self and your sexual individuality and identity kind of gets all jacked up a little bit. And then it's hard to proceed forward. It's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to be intimate because you're not understanding what's happening within your central core. Right. Yeah. And that's really hard. And that's a good point that you bring up about having issues down below, which not many people just to even talk or have this kind of conversation that we're having, Dr. UC, I mean, let's get real. None of us talk about it. None of us feel comfortable to be vulnerable to talk about these things. And nobody's really asking, you know, and we're in our own world constructing what things should or should not be based on, based on what? Based on,

you know, society and cultural expectations. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All of the bunny ears, all of the bunny ears right girl i mean i am very black very texan very first generation american very nigerian very educated plus size pt liberal af you go girl that totally informs how sexual sex is experienced for me and for my partners right like there's all and everyone thinks like oh like why do you have to define those why do you have to put that because that comes into my bedroom right that comes into everyone's bedroom and there's nothing wrong with being who you are but like understanding that sex is so much more than like what porn has educated us right right because porn ain't no education it's entertaining and it's totally cool

totally fine but it's not an education I'm glad you brought up porn because I want to pick your brain on this or sure take away like I feel like well I work with a lot of men younger men I mean and women you know yeah but I feel like this this day and age there's a lot of younger individuals who are struggling with that, not just intimacy, but also with the expectations of performance. Yes. Right. Like, can we talk about that? Like what, what are, what are some of these myths? What are these, these quote unquote expectations should be? I should be performing this way. I should feel this way. You know, what, what, what do you have to say about that? Oh God. right and I'm not even religious and I'm like fix it Jesus I have to say that you know and I'm

making light of it but really it's very serious and it's very demoralizing right because a lot of young men that I've seen you know expect and older gentlemen men of all ages have the expectations that their penis should always be like up and ready to go that they should be able will last forever right that they should be able to be able to give their partner their that their partner's orgasms are their responsibility not true ah yeah um not true okay well and we'll talk about that we'll get there but don't come too fast right don't come too fast don't come too long like it's like ah and then it's like oh she likes it rough or he likes it rough or they like it rough and then and then it's a matter of oh you know it can't be soft it can't be sex look

sex really is if you're having partnered sex in particular that's supposed to be a mutually pleasurable experience right it's not just about the dude getting off or you know the lady getting off or the gender non-conforming person getting off. It's really about people getting to their pleasure and experiencing their pleasure, period, right? And there is no specific way that has to happen, right? We've seen, I mean, I feel, I love me a good romantic comedy, but I feel like they have ruined us for sex because it just sets up this unrealistic expectation that the, you know, cisgender white dude is going to climb on top of the cisgender white lady and they're gonna like touch bellies for 20 seconds great music is gonna happen and then orgasm right and you know

relationship sealed nope that's just and even though we know logically in our brains that's not reality that's all we see right all the time right so in our head that's the expectation we're bringing into the bedroom on top of what we're seeing because no one's sitting down around the table and being like hey dad what about premature ejaculation because i was hooking up with this person the other night and i came before they were ready well you know actually that's a common thing yeah exactly that's a common thing and you need to know like when you're feeling that peak that rise and you need to slow down the touch you need to calm down your pelvic floor you need to kind of touch another area that's stimulating but not super stimulating redirect you know and then

build it back up and both of you are ready to go back into it again like see like totally normalizing that and saying here's how you adjust that and it's totally okay it's not a place of it shouldn't be shameful exactly it happens exactly like premature ejaculation and ed or true the most common sexual dysfunctions among cisgender men yeah yeah and what about performance anxiety let's not forget that because you know if you're scared you've got a hot day you don't know what's gonna happen you're worried and now you have to perform boom yes or what about if your boo is going through fertility stuff yes right totally and you have to be like um there's a clock the temperature is right i gotta i got that that's that's intimidating that makes my

stomach hurt and i i don't have a penis and i am a cisgender female okay that makes me stressed out So I can only imagine, you know, what that would be like for somebody, you know, going through that process. So I think it's, it's, we are all allowed to have variability in our sex life. There is not just one way to look at it and it's, it's going to be fluid, right? What felt good to you when you're 19, ain't necessarily going to feel good to you when you're 25, 26, you know, bodies change life, life happens, right? right people say like why don't I like this anymore I'm like well you know you went to grad

school or you had kids or you got married or you had an injury or you know things life happens and so your sensibilities and sensitivities and your pleasures are going to change right it's a spectrum and it's going to be variable at any given moment and I think that's like you're saying people there's an expectation that the things don't change or they shouldn't change yes and we're really afraid of uncertainty and we're really afraid of that change either holding on to things being the way they are in the current moment or being really like pushing away something that they're not ready to handle or want to deal with absolutely and i think you know like going back to porn because i literally think i took this like around the block um sorry about that but

i think when it comes to porn this porn is porn is not shameful yes like there i i'm coming out with this document in the next couple weeks about like how like the perfect porn and it was like content generated by like my followers and basically like a lot of porn is problematic because it's very misogynist. It's very patriarchal, right? It's, it's kind of like bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And it's not looking at the full spectrum of sexuality of gender, right? And I think that's, that's the problem with porn. It's not that porn itself is problematic. And also for those of you out there, if porn does not fit into your value set, you know, that's fine. That's fine. You know, and it's okay. It's just that so many people default to porn because that's

the only sexual outlet. That's the only sexual input that they have. And I'm not saying go out and watch porn. I'm just saying, here are some of the challenges we have with porn because it's an incomplete picture of how sex and gender work. That's all. That's what I'm saying. And it misguides people. So then they attach their expectations on their real life partner or partners based on their experience with porn. And it's an incomplete picture of how life is. that's all I like that an incomplete picture exactly exactly oh and thank you for normalizing a lot of those common things you're mentioning premature ejaculation ed performance anxiety I mean you're totally right I mean if we just normalize these things because we're all human

we've all experienced you know shame around our body parts at one point or another oh yeah and it's it's it's hard I mean it's hard it's sometimes you know being human is messy it's so messy like I mean it's funny like I you know recently like with an ex-boyfriend like and I hope he's fine with me saying this but like we were talking about sex and like gender and body parts and he was like yeah like for a long time growing up like I was worried about my like penis size and I'm like is that you know and I'm a grown woman who does this for a living and I'm like really that is like a legitimate concern? And he's like, yes, you know? And, and he's like, it took me a long time to accept my body and accept that. And, and it's the same thing with women, right? Like women are

like, oh, my vulva is not pretty. My vagina is not pretty or this or that. And I think that, I think that that gender body there, excuse me, genital body image is, is a factor in a lot of this. Like we have to accept our bodies as they are or love ourselves. And it's okay. You can decide, Hey, I need to get that changed. I need to have some plastic surgery. That's fine. You know, cause you know, there's, there's nothing wrong with doing that either, but our genital body image totally impacts our sexy swagger. Hardcore, hardcore. Totally. And while that goes into my next segue into orgasms, right? I think what you're saying has a lot to do with whether what our experience of orgasm is. So let's, let's kind of talk about, okay, what is an orgasm

orgasm and, and what are some things that can influence one's experience of an orgasm? Cause I feel like there's a lot of people out there that have this expectation. It should be or feel a certain way. Ah, yes. So long and short y'all an orgasm is, is an individual experience. So you'll look at research articles, books that will all describe orgasms as a culmination of pleasure. You'll feel like contractions in the pelvic floor. You'll have ejaculation. You'll have vaginal lubrication. You'll feel this feeling of euphoria and glee, all of that.

Everyone will say everything under the sun. and I just say an orgasm is basically the UC logic or the UC definition of it is basically the culmination it's almost like the peak of pleasure in that moment the peak of sexual pleasure in that moment right and that peak might be like angels are actually weeping over you or that peak might be like no angels felt really good I felt it higher but it's so pleasurable right and that's like the orgasm again like we talked about earlier it's on a spectrum and I think that's that's what an orgasm is now one thing I will say in terms of the gender component because we have to talk about this and I know people like kind of roll in their eyes

why are we talking about gender again I mean because it's so different we've we've split our culture into this binary system of man woman and it's not and we've spent so much time encouraging young boys to masturbate and understand their pleasure right so they're always going to be looking for their pleasure and we spend so much time telling young women hide your pleasure don't be a hoe don't get pregnant right be chaste be be quiet close your legs right so there's no there's no celebration of the pleasure or masturbation for that when we're thinking of a binary for women so then you know then you spend all that those years kind of learning each other and fumbling about and the young man has the cultural authority and go ahead to just

prior to prioritize his pleasure and the woman does not and you know you have some people that strangle through and but then you have others who who don't right and then and then you have other males who actually don't either even though we have this cultural permission right and and that could be for a multitude of reasons right so so when we're thinking about that we have to kind of understand it from those from that concept and also again we assign the responsibility of the orgasm especially in heterosexual relationships to the man right man's gonna give the girl an orgasm or the girl you know and then or vice versa the girl's gonna give the guy an orgasm and that's not how it works

right that's not how it works yeah because who said i mean really where did these these beliefs these expectations i mean it's like nobody really questions them you know so it is what it is this is what what's supposed to be like but right who says like where did that come from where who says yeah and it's funny because like if you like you know let's say like you're joe and and i'm i'm sally you know you're like walking down hey sally hey what's up all right you're joe i'm sally hey what's up but how are you supposed to know like what what is my pleasure yeah right seriously because my body is not the body that you saw in that porn last night that's right that's right my experience of life is not the experience of life that the

porn star actress had and also is she's acting exactly yeah so how how is what is done to that actress going to be pleasurable to me but because historically and again I'm just I'm kind of pulling from a giant stereotype here historically if I Sally am not allowed or has haven't really been taught or supported in exploring my pleasure. I'm just kind of, kind of go along with Joe does and be like, feels good. Sure. Yay. Love that. You know, or am I accidentally stumble upon it and be like, Oh, repeat that. Do that again. If you're lucky, if you're lucky, if you're lucky. and i i think that that's i think that that's a really interesting interesting concept and that's why i started uc logic i really just started uc logic to

model how people can ask questions and be validated in the questions because we all think that sex education stops when we're 16 and that's just not the case right that is not the case i am a grown woman in my mid-30s and i learn stuff every day yeah well and we're always in that because we're always changing and it's always good to check in with oneself, like explore, explore and absorb your, here's the thing. I always tell, I tell my patients this, you know, like when you are, when you're touching one another, like, for example, this is mostly in the context of, I should give a context of pain and getting back to, uh, feeling safe in one's body with context and your partner and communication. Again, it's communication and

it's lessening the threat of the situation right because it's once bitten twice shy all it takes is one episode one episode and this goes for all you know all walks of life you know if something doesn't feel good and it's associated with something that used to feel good nope it's it's like velcro yep it's like velcro so it's when you get back into that and trying to feel safe in one's body or with this relationship or context, it's really important, A, to feel in control of the situation and B, to be vulnerable, to express to oneself, like, this is okay, this is not okay, but also know what it feels like for you. Because oftentimes when we're doing things to ourselves, it does not hurt nearly as much as if someone else were

to do something to us. Absolutely. And can I just testify, preach Dr. Susie, but can I just add another thing too, particularly in the context of your male pelvic pain patients, is the importance of grief, addressing grief when you have pain, when you didn't always have pain, right? And I say grief you know not in that this it's it's it's a loss of human life but the grief of like the loss of spontaneity the loss of self-efficacy right that loss of being being like that loss of control that you used to have and it's not saying that you're not going to get it back but i think in the process of healing we have to kind of acknowledge you almost have to use the actual stages of grief when you're thinking about this, right? It's because depending on your pain,

it could be your pain starts with arousal. That sucks, right? Or it could be your pain starts once your penis gets erect or once you get in the middle, get going, whether it's penetration or non-penetrative sex, right? It's almost like this demoralizing process that used to be this sacred, pleasurable moment and now has been infiltrated by this pain. Right. Exactly. that's such a good point you know you see yeah oh yeah because once we acknowledge that once we say okay this sucks i'm grieving through this then you can actually map out a plan to each stage be like okay what can i do here yeah you know what did i always have super spontaneous sex kind of can we kind of like you know pull down some myths here and this is where sex education

can be wildly helpful or sex re-education exactly re-education because what we've been educated was nothing was nothing it was trash we all know it like i told like if it wasn't for my mother like i told my mom either i was like mom i would be lost if it wasn't for your weird liberal hardcore catholic ass and she was like what stop it that's wonderful thank you it was like great you know oh yeah and again it's so it is so important so on that topic of myth so yes if if what is one if we didn't touch base on it already is there one myth that in particular gets underneath your skin that you really want to convey here tonight oh my god I know there's there might be a lot but okay so there are kind of two I mean when we already

talked about that um an individual is responsible for the orgasm of their partner um because you're not and and also that sex is supposed to last like forever that that and i'm speaking you know primarily from a male perspective because because this was a huge cause of distress for a lot of my patients um is that they had to perform for 20 minutes straight and i'm like well the average sexual counter lasts six minutes. So I don't know where you're getting that from. Right. Um, maybe it might be that you and your partner might want to explore more outer course options and things and expand your sexual, um, treasure chest. But I think those two myths are really challenging. And when I tell people your orgasm is your responsibility,

not your partner's, they look at me like I have 45 heads. And it's because like we talked about earlier i can't expect you to read my mind and know my body that's my responsibility to know my body and to communicate to you that this is what i need this is this is what i like and insofacto you can be like oh have you tried this and you're like no i haven't i like that you know and it can be this like sharing experience versus like expecting this person to know every like button to push. Right. You know, and it's not always like that. Like we all come in with a certain level of skill, right? Some higher, some lower, you know, and that's fine. Right. But then we have to kind of adapt to one another. Right. And, and explore that. And I think that's,

that's where I say, ultimately for truly pleasurable sex, long-term sex, you know, both people need to know themselves, know their bodies and be able to sexually communicate. I love that. And so for anyone out there who's maybe, because there might be some shyness or reservations of how do I bring this up with my partner? What's a soft startup? What advice would you give to someone if they're wanting to kind of take this approach that we're talking about? How do you bring up that conversation? How do you open up the dialogue? Absolutely. So I always tell people like a really nice gentle way of doing it is pleasure mapping and you can introduce pleasure mapping as like a new sex game.

That's if you want to play right where you can put genitals on the table, you can take it off the table and you both just like map each other head to toe and explore and you give each other a set amount of time, like say, okay, you get 15 minutes and if you have boundaries that you have in terms of how your body is touched, you explicitly state that and be like, don't touch this. Don't touch that. Cool. and then you do 15 minutes you guys communicate during that time you explore each other's pleasure

and you you switch and then afterwards you debrief and that's actually a great way to be like oh you know what i thought you really liked that i'd be like you know what i really love when you do this right instead of being like no that was trash right you say oh i really loved it when you massage this this way god and i loved when gave me firm pressure that was awesome I could have ridden that train all night right that's that's that's a great way to kind of especially if you're not quite comfortable with because I think that our direct communicators out there are cool enough to sit like are cool with sitting down and be like hey baby I want to try something new you know and be like okay great you know

but then for for people who are a little bit more shy this is a great way to kind of just introduce a new sexual game where the purpose is just like exploring things like let's try something new and you can try with like you guys can decide you can use feathers you can use like whipped cream just like around the genital area but like you know what I'm saying like yeah yeah like choose your own adventure if you don't feel comfortable being naked have underwear on like whatever just be in your comfort zone right you can be mostly clothed if you want exactly you know like honestly like it's just a matter of like finding your pleasure starting where you're comfy that's right and and I think that's I think

if you can think individually first off what is going to make where am I most comfortable that's where I would start is really be honest with yourself because some some of my some of my patients and clients realize hey i'm not even comfortable being naked in front of my partner and something as simple as putting on a bra or having like a skirt on or like some type of cover over their lower body totally changes their sexual experience because it's kind of eliminating the visibility of the area that they don't feel good about right right and so really start with what like kind of do your own body check and just be like what am I feeling comfortable with here right and and sometimes you might realize I might

feel comfortable with my body but I'm not sure how my partner feels about my body you know and then that's a whole other beast right and that's something where you can decide okay like I'm gonna to kind of tell my partner hey I'm like a little insecure around you or I feel like I don't you know I'm not feeling my best and they'll be like oh you're beautiful you're this or you're so handsome you know or that that might not be their style because everyone's partner is a little different so you might have to change the environment a little bit if you want the lights off if you want the lights on you know or you might get some help with like a couples counselor that can help you with sexual communication and exploring that a little bit more oh I love that

speaking of couples, counselors and counseling. So how, if listeners wanted to get in touch with you, follow you, I know you're busy doing lots of things, you know, what's the best way to connect with you? So the best way is honestly DMing me or checking me out on my website and sending me a message through my website. Um, because I do do individual, um, counseling. And so my counseling, since I'm not a mental health provider, I'm not a sex therapist. I do not provide intensive mental health therapy. So I don't address trauma, but I do counsel people in giving specific suggestions, sex education, counseling. And sometimes that can be a wonderful bridge to sex therapy, or it can be people who don't really need sex therapy, right? Because they don't have

those deep-breeded intensive mental health issues to work through. But really they just need like some guidance on how to kind of navigate sex based on, you know, their personal experience. And it's really, really great. You don't need to see me for like forever and ever, amen, right? but it's a nice way to kind of help you catapult your sexual adventures in a safe way with someone who knows what they're doing. That's right. And is certified to do it. Yeah, well, exactly. And sometimes all it takes is like some quality knowledge, right? To put a lot of these fears and these worries that we hold on to and we carry, we think about not just one time a day, let's get real. We're thinking about these things all the time and even on a subconscious level. So

really, I think putting your worries aside and getting some quality information and, and using that to kind of catapult, like you said, you know, your progress, your experience for yourself with your partner or whatever that may be. So, oh my God, this was great. Uh, and then I already mentioned your Instagram page. You see logic. I'll, I'll connect everything, uh, to the show notes, your website, all of that. So guys, ladies, gentlemen, penises, vaginas, uteruses, whatever. Connect, connect, connect with UC. It was such a blast having you on the show. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh. Thanks for having me. I love chatting with you and I cannot wait for us to collaborate in the future. Likewise. Thanks for listening to today's episode.

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