In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - Let's talk about sex baby 🤫

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

It's time we break the mold and start having sex-positive conversations, to create a more sex-positive world and culture. And to help me do this I've got Alexa Martinez on the show with me today. Alexa is a sex coach and mentor on a mission to reform sex education and sexuality expression across the globe. She's from the deep south of Louisiana and if anyone knows how to bust through taboos regarding sex, it's her. She's the founder of The Violet Butterfly, a blog about love, sex & relationships and she speaks internationally on the same subjects. On today's show we chat about: - Sex (duh!) - How Alexa's struggle in an undersexed  relationship steered her from a degree in forensic science to becoming a "sexually curious misfit", sex coach and mentor - Porn and sexual health - Ethical porn recommendations that focus on conscious creative porn and pleasure like Cindy Gallop - Make Love Not Porn Erika Lust - Porn with a feminine point of view - The most interesting topics covered and conversed about in her community space Non- ejaculatory orgasms Yoni eggs Threesomes and open relationships extreme love Adult breastfeeding (yup, you read that right) - BDSM -bondage, dominance-submission, sadism, masochism - How you can create a relationship model that works with you and for you - Sexual oppression and repression

You're listening to In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G, the physiotherapist for your private, helping you get in the know down below. Hey guys, it's Dr. Susie G here and welcome to another episode of In Your Pants, where we destigmatize private parts and social taboos. This is definitely not the place to be shy, so I hope you're ready to get in the know down below. on today's show we're going to chat about some difficult sex conversations you know those conversations that no one wants to bring up well not on this show my friends it's time we break

the mold and start having sex positive conversations to create a more sex positive world and culture and to help me do this i've got alexa martinez on the show with me today alexa is a sex coach and mentor on a mission to reform sex education and sexuality expression across the globe. She is from the deep South of Louisiana. And if anyone knows how to bust through taboos regarding sex, it's her. She is the founder of the Violet Butterfly, a blog about love, sex, and relationships. And she speaks internationally on the same subjects. Alexa, thank you so much for being on the show today. I'm so glad you're here to help me break down these taboos. And I'm glad that you, um, that you were able to get us on, what is it? A podcast tag.

Oh, yes. Right. Yes. And so that I get to talk about my absolute favorite thing, sex, love and relationships, right. And the communications that, I mean, that's one of the big things is, you know, people have a hard time with it because of the lack of communication of the confidence to be able to communicate or, you know, it just keeps going, et cetera. Right, right. And we need to break that vicious cycle. So I'm so happy that you're on. And I guess let's start right off the bat. Tell me and tell the listeners, how did you find yourself in this niche? Well, there's a couple of ways I could take the story, but generally it was, I found myself very young. I'm still very young now. And I'm going to hold onto that phrase as long as I

possibly can. Uh, but, but, uh, I found myself about 24, 25 years old in what is considered a sexless relationship. So we were having sex less than one time per month. So less than 11 times in a year. And I, I took that so personally, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to turn to. And I felt like first off coming from very, uh, I call it Catholic ish backgrounds, going to Catholic school and having that mold around me, it was already bad enough that I wanted to have sex. And with the person that I was engaged to, the person that I pledged my life to, I worked with him, traveling the world. We were together all the time and we spent a lot of time together, but our intimacy life was practically non-existent. And from the outside looking in,

we were the perfect fairytale couple. But I essentially started hating myself because he wouldn't touch me. And I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to make him. That was how, what I thought at the time. And I was completely confused and baffled. I took it as major hits to my self-worth because at that time I, I thought, you know, it didn't matter how great I was in the relationship. It didn't matter how wonderful I was in the job or whatever, because my body is my worth and you're not giving me the attention that I would like. And on top of that under sexed, like very, very frustrated. So when that relationship ended, it took me a while to start talking about it. And then when I did, it was, I don't know if you can relate, but there's

this, this beautiful kinds of sauce that you can take in knowing that you're not the only one that's dealt with what you've dealt with or has ever gone through what you would be currently going through. And it was like an aha moment. Like I felt like I couldn't talk to other people about that struggle. I felt like I could talk about other struggles, but not that one. And eventually me opening up about it, I opened up about it on the blog, which is the Violet Butterfly. And then I really realized that this is a conversation that a lot of people want to have when it started getting a following. And I was like, whoa, people want to talk about this. And then the Kaleidoscope community was birthed from that. And also my show Kaleidoscope

radio, but it essentially happens in a relationship. And then I thought to myself, I'm never going to do this again. At least that's what I thought, right? I'm never going to allow for this to happen. I'm going to make sure that I'm prepared. First off, how did it happen? And why did I have those feels? And how can I reprogram? How can I visit trauma? How can I essentially start my sexual personal growth? That led me to my first dom in the bedroom. And then literally my first orgasmic transcendental experience. And I've been obsessed with understanding sex, interactions, love and intimacy ever since. Wow. That's amazing. What a story. And thank you so much for, you know, bringing such personal and intimate experiences out to be so vulnerable in the world

that you're doing it because there's so many other people that are, are, are in, I don't want to say in your same shoes, but have experiences with difficult sex conversations and about their self-worth and, and all of that, that comes to the table with being human. Right. So I really appreciate and and admire your mission thank you and to those of us and this might be a silly question but what's dom oh okay and i wanted to wrap up this story kind of quickly because there's like two ways that i can take the stories like i can tell you from the perspective like the relationship that really started everything but i didn't decide to make it a business really i mean i credit that to the dom character i was like oh for the sake of talking for 10 minutes

but a dom a dom would be uh if i go down break it down to bdsm bondage dominance discipline submission sadism masochism so four it's four letters six words but generally bdsm will be one thing big d forward slash little s dom sub that's a power dynamic exchange so i i got into a relationship with someone who is a dominant not a domineering character or anything like that he was a dominant in the bedroom, which meant it was my first time that in this particular situation or this particular unfolding, it was the first time that I looked at a man and completely surrendered and completely submitted. And he took control of the entire scene from start to finish from like conversation to, um, it was like one of the first times that, and actually it was the

first time in my life that I completely let go during sex. And, and that it was in that, that first real scene with him that I realized where sex could take a person. Nice. Wow. It's amazing. The sex geeky brain that I have, because my degree is in biology and forensics, but I then wound up being an art dealer for six years on cruise ships. And then now I'm into sex education and sex, you know, I'll call myself a sex researcher of sorts. I'm perpetually curious. is. I think we all are. I mean, we all are. And that's what you're doing is you're satisfying those taste buds for a lot of us that have, you know, bottom line, a very difficult time of talking about such subjects, which brings me to my next topic. There was a recent article

that just came out and it was, it was called is porn ruining your sex life. And in this article, it talked about how more and more young people, I mean, men and women alike are being shaped by, pornography and expectations that they see from pornography on both ends. Everyone looks at the guy and porn, but women are also starting to have these expectations of men to perform at a certain level or certain degree or look a certain way or act a certain way in the bedroom. And I just want to open up that conversation with you in terms of any experience that you've had about just being realistic, you know, having realistic expectations in the bedrooms and with relationships. Um, you know, I'd love your thoughts on that. Yeah, of course. So the thing is, um, I, I find it

one of those people when it comes to sex and love and relationships that I know a little bit about a lot of things. And I like to start lots of conversations because of that, because you know, that perpetually curious thing. So when I'm thinking about when you bring up porn or things like that. I think about, uh, how my community responds. And when that subject gets brought up, it's like, Hey, what are your thoughts on porn? Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? And there's lots of different ways that that conversation can be taken. Is it ethics and should it be legal here? And like, there's so many ways, but if we just look at it as X from the expectation perspective, I can, I can really give mostly my perspective. And then a little bit of what

they've said over time. For me, I choose to look at porn if I'm going to look at it as a way to learn something. I don't know what I'm going to learn, but I'm going to learn something. Growing up, the times that I'd ever experienced porn, it wasn't really all that much because it was more like, oh, boys can do that, but girls can't. That's common for boys, but not girls. But if I ever did watch, I was more concentrated on what their faces were doing in their bodies, how they were functioning, things like that. And, um, I mean, I guess as a young woman in different relationships, I guess I did feel almost a weird offense. Like I was offended, like I can't do that. Or why doesn't he do that to me? But in bringing it into adulthood,

I've shifted my way of thinking about it a bit. Um, I do think that if that's all that you're consuming especially at a young age and now it's more acceptable for girls to be like the boys I suppose and to and to consume porn I do think that it leads to unrealistic expectations in the bedroom sure but I do think that I I don't necessarily think that that means we should attack porn because it's going to be around whether we want it to be around or not so how can we look at it as a means to actually benefit us in the bedroom and I think if we demanded more of porn, it would have to give it to us. If we demanded more of the industry, then it would have to give it to us. Um, I mean, just as an example, I'm pretty, I'm pretty well connected with the

sex positive community in New York. I think I, I don't know if we recorded our episode. No, I was in new Orleans for that one. But, um, there is one gentleman named Kim, Kenneth EM. I'm not sure if you're familiar with him. He does something called the squirt lab for Pornhub. so Pornhub has an entire section like an entire portion of their of their business model that they've realized that they realize the negative the negative effects of porn so to speak or that that kids especially or the youth is getting essentially their sex education from porn right that's the first point of contact so they are putting into their business model education, but not just like, here's a picture being drawn. And like, this are the pieces and

the parts from a, I would say a medical or anatomical or physiological perspective, but it's real people acting out certain things that they will see in porn. And what is it? And what does it mean? And what, what is the body doing? And I find that fascinating. So they, I mean, from the producer's perspective and the company and the business or whoever is creating the porn's perspective they see where there's issues societally i would say and so they're doing what they can but still it's all a work in progress right right well and that's the thing because you know in my practice i do see a younger and younger generation that you know rely on porn for like you're saying the education but they're also getting these unrealistic expectations or

misconceptions about you know whether it's their genitals what they're supposed to look like how they're supposed to behave. You know, how long are you supposed to go in the bedroom? You know, am I supposed to be erect for three hours at a time? Um, you know, and women too expecting that of their partners. Otherwise they think, you know, they get upset or offended that that's something wrong with them. And, and nowadays too, you hear about these labiaplasties or, or, uh, where, where we kind of, where, where young women, girls and adults are also looking at their parts and saying, Oh, this is not normal. Or I smell bad down there. I should be smelling like, you know, whatever, fill in the blank. Right. Um, and I, and I think those are just,

there's, they're just outdrawn and completely distorted in my opinion. Um, and, and does not create a sex positive world, you know? No, I agree. But I mean, I think for me, I've just been so exposed to it and exposed it so much that I don't think of it or look at it that way. And sometimes I need a reminder of where I started, you know? Right. And that's why what you're, that's why you're doing what you're doing is to create that sex positive message. And that's your whole mission. And we need more people like you to talk about these things so openly and candidly so that we feel comfortable about asking the questions and communicating. And like you said in the very beginning communication or lack thereof right yeah so awesome well on that note

because you have um kaleidoscope you have a couple of groups and and and radios you have your radio show your podcast but you also have a male um geared and also a female geared um kaleidoscope group right that you guys talk about um open up the conversation in the community what what were some of the most interesting topics that come up for you that you've talked about or covered whether on your community space or on your podcast? I know this is probably a really big question, but I'm, you know, what's the, like the most interesting that you, that you've, you've come across. That's great. Um, so, uh, I mean, for, for your listeners here, just to say the reason why it's called the kaleidoscope, but I think for some people go, Oh, there's lots of

colors and lots of different aspects. Right. So when I thought it was clever, right. So I started the violet butterfly is just a means for me to share my story. Um, and I didn't, I wasn't ready to like be that open talking about sex with my name on it. So I called it violet butterfly because that's pretty much what people had been calling me, um, for a couple of years because everything that I have is violet and swell. I have two huge tattoos of butterflies on my sleeve. So my right arm. I don't know if he saw us completely covered in tattoos, but, uh, anyway, whenever we got a group of people that were essentially becoming community, I was like, what am I going to call these people? Yeah. I'm developing a following. What am I going to call them? So I Googled

group of butterflies and it's called a kaleidoscope. Oh, nice. So our collection rather. And so I've now changed the, the description to be multifaceted, multicultural, multi dynamic, multi-dimensional group of sexually curious misfits i love that sexually curious misfits like we're looking to go against the grain and open up real life conversations uh instead of just the generic stuff we're not talking about it at all so i would say up to this point of the recording we're at about 2200 pretty active members like it's they're going all day every day, pun intended in there, uh, in the, in the Facebook space anyway, cause it's bigger than that. Um, but anyway, so, uh, probably a couple of times a month we get the generic, I don't know,

I call this generic now questions of like, I'm thinking about non-ejaculatory orgasms. Like, what is that? That comes up a lot, literally. Like, uh, we're also never at a short for puns. Um, so, you know, it's all good. Feel free to punt away on this show. It's all what I'm about. Right. Right. So, right. What is it? Penis plane or pelvic plane? The ultimate cock block. I love that. So, so that comes up Yoni eggs, interestingly with, you know, singles and things like that, that comes up. Um, I'm interested in a threesome or opening my relationship. And what I love about this space is that there's a, there's a lot, I mean, you're a professional that's in this space as well as so many others.

There's a gynecologist that I turned to. There's a couple of specific tantric practitioners that I turned to BDSM, a specialist, which I didn't even know was a thing. You know, somebody who's decided to take their life and I'm going to teach people how to do this properly and safely from a psychological and physical perspective. So I have people in that space that I turned to.

But anyway, uh there's like so much going on but i know that at any given time we i have people that i can turn to and and i will have their two cents but generally speaking it's general conversation uh the other one time there was a uh and i'm already going to laugh so somebody shares these these videos and it's like extreme love or something and one time there was like an article and a video that was shared about breast milk play breastfeeding adult breastfeeding that's what it was adult breastfeeding and i thought for sure people were gonna go a little bit crazy and say like this is disgusting and how dare and how dare and how dare and what i was so surprised

by the conversation at first off how nice everyone was being to each other because it was a big it it was a big convo. Like the thread was at least a hundred or so, um, minus the many threads that were underneath the comments, like the original comments. And people were talking about how like women were like, yeah, my husband loves it and all this stuff. And I was like, holy shit, we're relating on adult breastfeeding. Right. Um, so that was, that was, I thought a very entertaining one. The next one, I had a lady on my show. Her name is Andre Shakti. She's a sex worker. And she, when I got her onto the show, she literally says, she says anything. She does not care. She's one of those who just says anything. And I said, you know, basically tell

me, tell the listeners a little bit about what you do. And she was like, basically rich white, white men pay me to wrestle them into submission. And I was like, okay. And, uh, and then she says, um, and for some of them, she said, oh, and I'm a professional anal fister. So some of them pay me to do that as well. And I'm like, holy shit. Also literally like, wow. She has a marks on her forearm from her wrist to about mid forearm. And they are, it's a, her arm is a measuring stick of how far she's like, okay, now you're at six inches, eight inches, like anal fisting. And to this day, so my podcast producer's name is Scott and he, he calls it the andre shakti award so any person so he's like for this season because i've done

two seasons now so he said i had a lady um on my show called we call her jess hits 100 she chronicled getting to 100 people that she'd slept with while she traveled the world and so some of the crazy stories she had my producer goes okay so this season jess hits 100 has the andre shakti award like for just the craziest stuff that was said and then of course we talk about it in the kaleidoscope after that's awesome yeah and if anyone wants to listen to that i mean alexa's got a wonderful podcast um the kaleidoscope podcast obviously radio um that's that's all that's some big shoes to fill i'm gonna leave it at that i'm gonna leave it at that hopefully there's a lot of safety around what's happening you know because a lot of people are curious like

what you know yeah for sure for sure there's a book called the ultimate guide to kink by tristan Termino. And I don't even know how long that book is. It's literally hours and hours and hours long because it's talking about all the things that could go wrong. But like you bringing this back around to porn, some people watch this and me, this incredible, like, Whoa, how did your body do that? Right. You know, feet in porn. And if you are watching porn and you're, you know, whacking off to anal fisting, and then you decide that you want to have that done to you. Oh, that's no no you gotta train your bot i mean again safety it's it's dancing and loading and climbing your mountain you know a foot at a time you know you can't just run up the mountain you'll

you'll just you won't make it but it's it's it's doing it a little bit at a time so safety for sure and there's people like if you could question it there's a job for that there's someone who can tell you about it. Well, after our conversation, I'm totally, I believe you in every aspect. You can do anything your heart desires. The Disney movie, the basis behind it has never rang more true today. Yes, yes, totally. And it's, you know, in going off of that and, you know, relationships and trying new things. And, you know, cause when you're connecting with other people, you're bringing in essentially two different worlds together. Everyone's got their own lived experience and and how they you know live right so when you're creating relationships

you know by design a relationship model that works you know with you and for you not against you in order to fit a particular mode you know talk to us a little bit about that it's beautiful that you've asked me that because i'm currently doing it tell me more tell me more okay okay well the thing was that i i even even in my state of knowing and watching and witnessing relationships fold and unfold and the struggles and the trials and tribulations with sex. And even when I wound up becoming a sex coach, which kind of just happened to me, but I wound up all of a sudden with a business, which is kind of fun because, and then I really realized how difficult this aspect of life is for so many people.

And that's basically what I do is just open the conversations for others, but now with like a more, I call it the sex geeky vibe where we're actually learning the, if it could be the more medical way of looking at it or biological way and how we function. But anyway, um, even in the middle of watching and being a part of helping other people find their partners and get sexual gratification and knowledge and confidence and so on, I still was keeping just about any suitor at arm's length because it was like, uh, when am I going to be ready to do it for myself? I was helping other people. And then what am I doing it for myself? And I was tired of just finding myself in relationships. Like all of a sudden, like we decided to hook up and now you're still

here a year later. How did that happen? So this time, uh, consciously looking at someone saying, we're going to do this and we're going to talk about all of the uncomfortable things while we are so into each other right now. And we think that the other person can do no wrong right now, let's look realistically at how relationships are all around us and how we've experienced them in the past and the things that have led to the most strain specifically around sex and sexual expression and repression. Let's open those conversations up now with a dialogue and intention to keep that dialogue going. So in the past, been cheated on, or in the past, he's done the cheating or I'd done the cheating or something. And that was at a time when I

perceived that to be a real thing. So if that's something that's happened in the past, well, I've shifted the way that I feel about those things. So open that conversation up now. What is consensual non-monogamy? Is our relationship going to be open? Is it going to have fences? What kind of, what areas are we going to leave open for discovery? What's on your want, wills and won'ts list? Do you know what that is? I mean, those are, I'm mentioning an exercise, like what do you really want to have in your love and your sex and your life in general with all of these things? What kind of connections do you want to feel comfortable enough making? And how can I support you in that? And you feeling and being and getting

to have pleasure, how can I support you in that? And not let my ego, not let what I want for me get intertwined a hundred percent of the time for you had to be autonomous but also be a collective in pleasure and experience and so that's that's what I am actively doing for myself now I've been doing it for clients and for my community for some time and I have to say it's way easier to laugh than it is to cry. Yeah. Way easier. And to forego some discomfort now so that you can be comfortable now knowing that you'll be wildly uncomfortable later. That's not a, um, that's not what I'm the, in the business about in my own life. Um, actually my partner now, his name is Jordan. Um, he calls it having fun, comfortable conversations. Like how can we make this

typically uncomfortable thing fun, not just like, let's have the convo and let it be an easy conversation, but like, how can we make it fun? All right. Let's start from that. After you talk, having fun, comfortable conversations, which we're doing right now. Yeah. Yeah. I said, I said conversations like double penetration, which would have been like easily brushed. I would say brushed past, but, and I laughed as I said that too, because that really was probably our most fun, comfortable conversation yet. Skrrt. Wait, double penetration. Please clarify. Well, part of the fun, comfortable conversation is if we know how human tendencies are, and we know that we're built for connection and people love love, be realistic with

understanding that you might wind up feeling a connection with another person or something like that. So that was like the general conversation of like opening relationship. What is it? What are the confines going to be like? What does it look like? Are we going to be completely wide open? Are we only going to make decisions together? Are we creating a foundation where we play together. And so that's where I am in life. That's where he is becoming in life since I've entered his life. Uh, but there was one day where we went around the table and it was a small group of friends and it was okay. So everybody, one minute, what is a fantasy that you have that you haven't experienced yet that you're looking forward to in the future? And we went around and

we shared and somebody said something was like, Oh, cause I don't know if I could handle my partner being with another person or like being with another man. And it was a man that said that. And I, when the, when the timer got to me, I was like, that's funny that you say that. Cause one of my fantasies is two men at one time and, and to turn it, I could feel Jordan's energy change because I'd never said it yet. And he was like, whoa, hang on. How does that look? And then I said, well, it looks however we create it. Right. And, and I said, and I, and I opened up and I shared actually. Cause we went around the table and it was like, well, Alexis had something really out there. What is that about? And I said, well, the first, my, my first bit of erotic literature

that I'd ever read, like, I think I was 19 maybe when I picked up this book and it was called forbidden pleasures. And I had no idea what it was going to be about at the time. And it was like, cool. He's this position in the book and she's his wife and they have a friend and I didn't piece it together. Cause I was in a traditional, you know, monogamous relationship, serial monogamous relationship with my high school sweetheart from high school at the time and i was in college and and so i read this book and i was like holy this is hot and it was about them and the friend came to live with them and then basically the husband shared the wife and then at the end the finale of the book was a double penetration scene which double penetration would be penis and

vagina penis and uh the anus and if you want triple penetration then there's one in a there's There's one in a mouth. So, so, but it was my first experience and I got so turned on by it. And I thought, is this real where two men will actually consciously worship a woman in that way? And the way that it was painted, it was all about her pleasure and it was all about taking her to new heights. And it had nothing to do with their egos at the time, at the end of it. I mean, the egos were a part of the drama during the, during the book, but at the end, it was so beautiful how it, how it was described. And I thought, is this real? Do people really do that? Well, now I know that they do. And, um, and so that would be typically like a, an FFM threesome,

female, female, male, that's the most common. And MMF is less common, but that's on my fantasy list. Doesn't mean it needs to happen next week. It's right. But it's on the list to have that experience to be worshiped. And the double penetration just seems like a challenge. Right. And you're all of all challenges. Not to mention that, um, you opened up the conversation, like you had this round table and you weren't shy to say, Hey, this is my fantasy. And I'm just throwing it out on the table, literally. And, and, you know, not only from a, a sexual physical, you know, um, double penetration, obviously, but it sounds like you're even talking about feeling another connection with another person, you know, double dipping person,

no pun intended right i love it but that was the that was the thing that i said to him it's not just uh let's go out to a bar one night and have a few drinks and have an experience that we you know that is less than conscious right that is low vibe for us that is just because oh we're in the right place at the right time no it's something that we will actively and consciously i keep using those words choose to do yeah we will we will be a part of there will be intention will be a part of that connection that christian i said imagine the the love that he has for me as it's growing now to be able to share that with another person that he also has respect and love for to give more of that to me to like to literally focus that in my direction yes that sounds delicious

to me in theory uh but it's not something i've actually written about this a few times um about threesome creation things like that like how to do it there's no right way but there's definitely some wrong ways and alcohol a lot of times is a part of that because you know ooh inhibition out I think maybe like one glass of wine or maybe one drink is where it should be cut off so that you're making decisions that you actually want to make but you know making sure that you're that there's comfort in the mix too and you have a plan of action and that there's safety precautions and things like that I mean

i'm thinking double penetration well i'm gonna be thinking i i anyway that's double the condoms and making sure that hands and penises are not going back and forth between penis and vagina and things are things are being kept clint you know in a cleanly fashion like there's so many aspects of it it takes work sounds sounds like the hospital uh jaco coming in like making sure all the safety protocols i put in place you know you i think that you you know what i mean but yeah this is the kind of stuff that i think some people think in their head but they never feel comfortable enough saying it out loud yeah right right and you mentioned i mean everything that you mentioned is bottom line is consent conscientious actively choosing to do what is your intention and having

consent so that all parties involved are on the same page i mean that's that's so important so important that's great yeah if it's not if it's not a hell yes then it's a hell no right right there's no in between yeah right well i could talk about this stuff all day i probably could and i and you know you'll have those links and we'll have all those links up that you mentioned about some of the books you mentioned and also your blog post about the threesome creation i'll definitely link that to the show notes so that our listeners can can check it out because I think it's so helpful to have all this material and, and, you know, also I want you to mention kind of like, how can our listeners, um, find you, uh, I know we mentioned some of the

podcasts and stuff, but tell us about what you're recently dabbling in and, um, how can we kind of keep up with, with what you're doing? Oh, of course. Yes. I mean, it's everyday people having general sex conversations in a non-sexual way. That's in the kaleidoscope. It's primarily Facebook. Um, so you can jump, jump on in at any time. Yeah. There's a, I think recently there was a lady that posted like, I'm a new member and I'm, I can't remember her exact words was I'm a new member and I've been obsessing for the last 45 minutes. I thought I was open-minded. Now I seem a prude to myself and, but she said it very jokingly and I thought, well, that's what we do here. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we do here. We inspire. I like to think so definitely, uh,

take advantage of that, that community space, my request. Don't be creepy. That's the, there's a fine line to everything. It's sex in a non-sexual way. Um, so the conversations get a bit hot and bothered. So be creepy and then you're fine. And also meet people where they are. That is my favorite thing about our community. That's been developing over the last couple of years is regardless of what you're into, I might not be into it, but I can celebrate your pleasure. I love that. So I can be empathetic to where you are. And if that means you can't, you're, you're the realm of what you understand is only monogamy and only missionary lights on every Tuesday, eight o'clock, then I'm going to meet you where you are. That's where you are. Um, and I won't

try to change you and I won't try to force anything on you, but I also expect for the, for that person in to be sharing to also allow for the person who enjoys being pegged by a dom woman and it's a man and it's talking about a leather fetish to be given the same courtesy and that is being real and compassionate and don't yuck anybody's yum yeah i love that so that's my main thing is join join that community space and then everything else that i dabble in like you said, I talk about it in there occasionally. I have the blog, Violet Butterfly, and that's always shifting and growing and changing. But the thing is, what I'm most excited about is the community that's building and the fact that people now want to meet each

other in person. So we just had, I'm from New Orleans. I just hosted an Insanita San Diego area, the first Kaleidoscope meetup, where we did an open discussion, like with real people and lots of people got to connect for the first time and it was amazing. And so my intention is to continue doing that in all the major cities where the majority of the, the listeners, readers, community people are and, um, and just making some magic. Yeah, I do coaching and I have courses and all those things. Um, but if you like me and you feel comfortable with me and you would like to have me in your, as a part of your bedroom shenanigan, then you just reach out to me, Alexa at the vital butterfly.com. I'm, I was going to say, I'm easy to get in touch with. Yeah, I, I can go on.

I'm not going to even go there. It's never not funny. Right, right. But, but so the meetup, is that something that you just post on the community space that you share where you're going to be at or is there something that we can link directly to your future meetup sites or it all gets shared it all gets shared in the kaleidoscope and then also uh my email list i have a general list going i don't send i'm not one of those people that sends every day all the time but if there's a thing that's going on right like hey if you're in this area then or if you want to come into this area this is now a meetup that's going that's going down i've hosted retreats in the past as well. Hopefully at one stage throughout 2018, we're going to have a giant

kaleidoscope party that in a play party. So I want to teach people how ways to play all day. And then at night allow, like have a space where they can actually do it. Oh, that's nice. Great. I love what you're doing. Oh, you're so awesome, Alexa. And it's such a privilege to have you on the show. Honestly, I think what you're doing is just changing and revolutionizing, you know, how we talk about sex and obviously busting through those taboos around sex and relationships. And it's such a pleasure to have you on the show. I'll make sure to certainly connect my listeners and followers with everything that you're doing. Um, cause you are honestly, like I said, revolutionizing, um, sex and relationships and love and connection and

communication. So thank you for all that you do. You're welcome. And thank you for all of those amazing words that you just said in my direction i received no i very easily and very i'm very honored so thank you so much girl and um to our listeners out there thank you so much for listening to another in your pants podcast episode if you like what you hear if you love it be sure to subscribe and write a review all right thanks so much i'll see you next time thanks for listening to today's episode be sure to head on over to drsuzyg.com where you can get more information show notes, and related articles on today's topic. Also, if you like what you're hearing, head on over to iTunes, subscribe to the podcast, and leave us a rating and review.

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