In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - Science of Sex

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Get back to pleasure with the science, skills, and expertise you need to spice up the bedroom and get an erection with Jessica O'Reilly (AKA Dr. Jess), an award-winning sex and relationship expert. We bust the soulmate myth, name the big issues for couples, and dive into the science of sex so that you can get back to experiencing more and more pleasure! Get back to sexual pleasure with: Mindfulness, deep breathing, visualization, sensory experiences, emotional presence, and sensual focus to improve your hard-on Tuning into so-called negative emotions like jealousy, insecurity and sadness. Treating your relationship like a business

You're listening to In Your Pants with Dr. Suzy G, the physiotherapist for your private, helping you get in the know down below. Hey guys, it's Dr. Suzy G here and welcome to another In Your Pants podcast. Thank you so much for listening and for all you YouTube junkies out there, thanks so much for watching. Today's show reveals the secrets to better sex. No surprise there, right? But really, it's about having a conversation on the importance of communication, trust, and vulnerability in your relationships.

How we choose to live our lives day to day is what eventually makes its way into the bedroom. And there's so many of us that are so afraid to have conversations about the most intimate aspects of our lives. but guys let's face it we all have our fair share of embarrassment we all have our fair share of worries and fears and instead of hiding behind them we really should be embracing this shared human experience dr jess and i chat about the soulmate myth we get real with emotions and what it really takes to have an awesome sex life so to get this conversation started let me formally introduce my guest. Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, aka Dr. Jess, is an award-winning sex and relationship expert and the founder of Happier Couples, which provides relationship education online and via

retreats to couples across the globe. Y'all, I hope you enjoy the show. Hi, Jess. Thank you so much for being on the show today. Happy to be here. Awesome. Awesome. Let's dive right in because i've got some burning questions for you and i'm sure our listeners do as well so talk to us about the science of passion and the soulmate myth oh i'd love to start with the soulmate myth so we have this notion and it's a very western romantic notion that you're going to find the one person the one person in seven and a half billion whom you're meant to be with and i think that, you know, it sounds really nice, but I think it's really problematic. And I think it causes problems in relationships because we forget that compatibility isn't necessarily

something you find, it's something you cultivate. And so when we think about a soulmate, sometimes we think, well, it shouldn't be this hard. We shouldn't have to work through it. If the relationship is work, it's not right. Well, the reality is everything in your life that's worth having, whether it's health, fulfillment, wealth, professional success, personal success, you have to put the effort in. So I know some people don't love the word work. I think people like you and me maybe don't mind the word work because we love our work. But you know, we're lucky and very privileged to love our work. So I've kind of shifted in recent days, in recent weeks, to the word effort, because everything requires effort. And if you believe that you're meant to be together,

we actually have research suggesting that people who are high in destiny beliefs versus high in investment and effort beliefs are less likely to have fulfillment in relationships and not as well equipped to resolve conflict and address issues and problems when they arise because there's this notion that it should just work itself out but as you know it's sort of like a knot in a necklace you leave it and then you wear it again and somehow there's another knot and then you wear it again and there's another knot and all of a sudden you can't put that necklace on well similarly in relationships when there is an issue it doesn't just resolve itself in fact if you leave that issue it begins to snowball now i'm not suggesting that you need to resolve

every little tiny detail in your relationship i'm talking about the big issues okay what are some of those big issues yeah let's talk about that like what are some of those big issues that couples find difficult navigating through right so now it's sex money kids time technology so you know technology yes as we sit here so technology is an amazing thing you and i can connect a couple of thousand miles apart and work together and that and that's really cool we've never even met in real life we almost did almost something happened i think we had a we had a date we just missed each other by a few hours. I think you were sick. I think you came down with some bug or something and you're like, I don't want to pass it on to you, by the way. Thank you

so much for telling me and giving me the heads up. Most people don't do that. I remember. I can't exactly remember when. When was that? Just in November or October? That was I was teaching in October, the end of October. Yes, I was. I was sick. And I remember that day because I had a whole bunch of meetings back to back. And I did email everyone and say, do you want to meet or would you rather not come near me and you know what for the first time everyone said no don't come near me we switch to online or we cancel them we schedule together yeah i guess because these colds are lingering people are finally putting their health first because there used to be this notion that you should push through yes plow through push through yeah if you're

tough you just go to work you don't care if you're sick uh but you're putting everyone else at risk and especially working with immunocompromised compromised clients or patients or people you don't want to just go out there anyhow I digress but technology does this thing that connects us in really cool ways and I think technology has the potential to really enhance relationships but we also know that there is this concept called technoference so technology is detracting from communication in some in some respects in trust in intimacy and in connection and we know that the mere presence of the piece of technology in the room can detract from their commitment, their trust, and their focus. So powerful. So how does a couple navigate

through that? I guess, when should a couple just say like, well, this isn't working out? Or do you believe that there is always a working out or something can be, as Marie Forleo has put, figureoutable? I don't think you're meant to be with every person. I also, as I said, don't think you're meant to be with one person. You can make it work with multiple people as we do across the lifespan. And not everybody even wants to be monogamous. But I think that if you're committed to the relationship, you can work almost anything out. Now, I'm going to obviously offer the caveat that if you're in an abusive situation, if your partner is being manipulative, that's not what I'm talking about. But, you know, for example, technology, let's take something kind of simple

and common. So if your partner is always on their phone, they're taking their phone to bed, you feel as though they're more captivated by their newsfeed than they are by your real life in the flesh presence, you can fight about that for a while. And it can sometimes feel that after a month, two months, six months, maybe up to six years, I mean, you can feel as though you're hitting up against a brick wall and that you're incompatible. But I don't really call that a compatibility issue. It feels like a compatibility issue, but to me, it really is a matter of effort, Right. So are you communicating your needs in an effective way? Are you saying you're always on your phone? Put your phone down. Or are you saying, you know, I would love if you would leave the phone out of the bedroom on the weekends because I want to feel like I'm enough for you. Right. Or I would really appreciate if we left our phones downstairs on the second floor Monday to Thursday so that we can feel connected because and then you list the benefits because I feel like we're going to be more affectionate. I feel like we're going to have more sex and I feel like we're going to feel closer.

So oftentimes when we want something from our partner, we'd frame it as a complaint as opposed to a request. Right. So defensive, right? Like the other person is going to put their defense up. They're going to just dig their heels in the ground even more. Exactly. Well, if somebody said that, you know, if I said that to my husband, like, put your

phone down, he'd probably turn to me and say, you literally just had your phone in your hand, right? Sounds like my husband. Yeah. You just put it down and now you want me to put it down because you would put yours down? Right. So it's partly about the way we communicate. It's partly about managing our expectations.

So let's say I never want the phone in the bedroom, ever, ever, ever, ever. I do not believe the phone belongs in the bedroom. You know, there might be some therapists who say, yeah, you know what? That's a great rule. But it's not a great rule for everyone because circumstances are always different. Let's say we have, you know, a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old teenager who's out at night. Maybe I do want the phone in the bedroom on the nights that they're out. Let's say I'm on call.

There are many reasons. I think that we get hung up in this idea that there's one way to do things. And so, again, this comes down to the reality of communicating effectively, communicating with requests, because you can make any requests you want, but also acknowledging that your partner doesn't have to meet your every need. So we can go to another common issue that couples run into is time. So how much time do we spend together? So I have a client who's constantly complaining that her husband is never around.

He's always working. They have so little time together. They're looking after their kids and he's hanging out with his friends and she kind of wants him a lot more to herself. But what we're trying to do is get at this root issue. Does she feel lonely? Does she feel neglected? Does she feel overburdened with the kids? Is it that she really wants to spend more time with him or is she jealous because she doesn't have the friendship support that he has. And I think that monogamous people can really learn from consensually non-monogamous people or ethically non-monogamous people by reminding ourselves that your partner cannot fulfill all of your needs. Your one person cannot fulfill all of

your practical, social, sexual, spiritual, I mean, whatever your list of needs are, because it's different for different people, you have to look to multiple sources. That's why you have friends. That's why you stay in touch with family. That's why you have your job. That's why you have hobbies. But when it comes to emotional support and when it comes to time spent together, there are people who always want their partner home, right? So you're going to have one who's more of a social butterfly than the other. I mean, I can use my example. So I like to go out a lot. I'm always around people. I'm really active with my friends. And Brandon, my husband, he likes to go to bed a little bit earlier. He's social, but not as social as me. He's the type where there'll be tons of

people in our house. And then all of a sudden Brandon's gone. Like he's gone up to the third floor to bed and we call it doing a Brandon. And, but it's cool because I'm not pressuring him to stay down with us. And he's not insisting that I come up. And so we have time to, let's say we or party. And he hangs out with us for a few hours and then he's done. He's had enough. I'm not saying there aren't times where I wouldn't say, hey, babe, would you mind sticking around a little bit more? Maybe I need a buffer. Maybe I just really want him there. Maybe we're going to be playing a game I want him to be a part of. And there may at other times be times where he says, hey, babe, would you mind coming to bed a bit earlier tonight? Because you're leaving on

your trip tomorrow and I really want to spend time with you. So you can make requests of one another. But it's the problems arise when I want him to come over to my side. Let's do this. Let's see this person. Let's do all of these things. You need to be more social. You need to have more friends. He doesn't. He knows what he needs. I don't know what he needs. And similarly, he's not saying, hey, come home early. Why are you out so late? Why are you partying? You know, we do our own thing. And everybody does that to a different degree. But I do notice that couples are really fighting about time because time seems to be our most precious commodity. But ultimately, it's because we expect our partners to conform to our unilateral set of standards that we assume are

universal but we have to remember that anything we think is only true for ourselves i was just going to say that you know what you're saying is hey you're an individual the person you're with is an individual let's respect our human individuality but also compromise right it's about giving and taking and compromising not always giving in or expecting one to mold to who we want them to be because ultimately that's even if that happened you probably wouldn't be happy the thing is we'd never be happy because we'd be asking them to become like ourselves and then we would drive ourselves up the wall too yep so it it's about compromise and I also believe it's about alternatives I believe that it's not always about finding middle ground

sometimes it's about finding other sources of fulfillment so I use the like very simple example of if I'm really into motorcycles I love motorcycles I like to go to the motorcycle I don't. I like to go to the motorcycle show. I like to go ride. Look, I don't even know how to do it. I like to go on long rides on the weekend. And my husband's really not into motorcycles. He doesn't have to come to every show. He doesn't have to come on every ride. I'm probably going to make friends with my other motorcycle friends. And we're going to go riding together as our little motorcycle king. And that makes sense, right? That makes sense to everybody. But when it comes to certain needs like time, even like sex, we expect our partners to fulfill our every

need when really it's your responsibility to create your own fulfillment. And yes, of course, you're going to find partners with whom you're more easily compatible. But I also don't think we should always give up as soon as we feel as though we've hit a piece of incompatibility. Right. And Jess, what happens when, okay, said partner does find alternatives and starts to participate in different groups and hangs out with different people, and then their partner gets a little jealous? Well, jealousy can be a really great thing. I think we need to reframe the range of human emotions as potentially healthy. So jealousy can be normative, where I feel something. So he's gone and got this hobby. And let's say he's surfing. I'm making up all

these things now. I'm riding motorcycles. My husband's surfing. So he's surfing and he's getting really fit doing it. And he's feeling really healthy. And maybe he's even changed his diet. He's maybe changed his sleep schedule because I think those surfers go out early, early in the morning. He wants to go to bed earlier. So it does in some way disrupt our lifestyle. And so maybe I do feel a little bit jealous because maybe I tried surfing and I suck at it. I don't, but anyhow. Just for the record. Yeah, I'm not good, but I'm not going to say I suck. So I maybe feel a little bit jealous because he's got this new group of friends. He's talking about them. He's spending time with them. So that can be normative jealousy where it serves a

function to remind me that there's something that I perhaps value that I'm not going after, right? So maybe I'd like to get my health in check. Maybe I'd like to develop a new routine. Maybe I'd like to develop a new skill for myself. It might also help me to understand a threat of loss. So maybe I feel as though I'm, I feel a little bit of threat that he's choosing those friends over me. So I say, first you have to acknowledge the emotion and ask yourself, what function it serves. And most of us don't even get to that step because we accuse people of being jealous instead of acknowledging that everybody experiences jealousy at some point. Right. It's a human experience. Yeah. Exactly. You can't eradicate emotion entirely.

This is why people are struggling with mental health issues, struggling with depression. We can just eradicate a feeling. So number one, you have to acknowledge the emotion and name it for yourself. And then I suggest that you look at what is its function? What is it telling me? What's really going on in here. So I'm going to take this one step back, which is maybe I actually just feel really angry that he's always going out. Oh man, I'm pissed because it's easy to feel angry. So you want to get under that emotion. And I'd ask myself, what am I really feeling here? Yeah. You know what? I'm feeling a little jealous. I'm feeling a little jealous that it seems like he has more fun with these cool surfing people than with my cool motorcycle riding, but so,

and then I have to, I think, reassure myself. I have to look at the situation from a rational perspective and say, am I being reasonable? And what do I want? And only after I've done the work myself, then I think I can go to him and say, you know what, I'm feeling this way. You know, lately, the last four weekends, you've been out surfing, and I felt like I'm not as much of a priority. And I really wanted to spend time with you. That's how I'm feeling. What do you think? How are you feeling? And he might say, you know what, yeah, you're right. It's a new sport. So I just kind of have a high on it. And I'm super excited. And I do want to spend time with you. And I, in fact, miss spending time with you and I'm going to cancel my surf tomorrow morning

so we can sleep in and snuggle and maybe do something more. Or he might say, you know, you, when you pick up a hobby, you tend to also go and do these things. It's only because you started riding every weekend that I was looking for something to do. And we can have that dialogue. Now, of course, some people are going to say, oh, you're just jealous. Or some people are going to get defensive, but it is also okay to have conversations

that aren't perfect, right? it's okay to not always respond in the most reasonable way possible of course we always want to have these fruitful conversations but sometimes you have to have tense conversations you know we're gonna have fights we're gonna have arguments and that's okay and then hopefully we'll arrive at a better understanding of what the other person wants and he might say i'm willing to compromise and he might say he's not but he's not required to right right and you're normal you're normalizing what i'm hearing is like you're normalizing these emotions you're saying like hey this is the reality of being human why should we put ourselves up to the standard of

perfectionism and you shouldn't feel this way and you shouldn't say that or think that and then we end up beating ourselves up over and over and over again and that only leads into the relationship because you're pissed off about your own insecurities and then it's kind of being projected out into the world yeah absolutely yeah oftentimes when you're feeling something towards someone else you want to ask yourself, okay, am I feeling that same feeling toward myself? And I don't really want to acknowledge it because honestly, it's a lot easier to be angry at someone else than it is at yourself. It's a lot easier to blame someone else for the way you're feeling instead of looking at, you know, what could you do? How can you change the way you think? How could you change

the way you behave? And really, if there's one thing, and I wish I could figure out a way to put this really succinctly, but one thing that we could do better in relationships, It's acknowledged that what we want or what we expect as a standard is not universal. There is no right way. Of course, you need to treat people with honesty, equality, and respect. But there are people who are super happy in relationships. If we go back to the issue of time, there are people who are really happy spending almost all of their time together.

They are genuinely happy. I couldn't imagine it, but they really are happy. It's their path. And then there are people who are genuinely happy, especially I look at older couples who have decided to be fully committed spend time together but live apart which i also couldn't imagine i need that warm body in bed it's cold up in here hearing that especially for my feet i'll tell you what i don't know if you get cold feet but he is my warmer exactly i have to stick them in between his legs every night yes sometimes the butt cheeks but he

like that okay sorry right for a nice big old butt you know he has a big butt that's perfect that's actually a good idea my husband has a nice big butt too i'm gonna try and warm my feet up there tonight you know you know what are you doing and i'm gonna say dr suzy right she deals with pelvic health she said put my feet in between your butt cheeks exactly warm them up one at a time that's right well speaking of the bedroom and speaking of bodies and warmth and all that fun stuff let's talk about sex for a little bit because i think all this is what we're talking about is so important for enhancing or improving our sex lives or sexuality whether that's with ourselves or with a partner but what what is the path to i guess better sex i'm sure there's not

one path but money but yeah i mean i think first and foremost you have to work on the relationship so i think uh we can tend to get hung up on can you communicate about sex do you understand your sexual values do you know what your partner likes have you shared your fantasies do you know how to touch them uh do you know about their body all those things are important but when you get back to the essence of it can you communicate about sex begins with can you communicate about any difficult issue, right? So oftentimes we try and develop skills in the bedroom that we haven't even bothered to develop outside the bedroom. So for example, assertion skills. People say, well, how do I tell my partner what I want or that I don't really like what they're doing?

And usually if you struggle to tell your partner that you're not liking something, you don't just struggle in the bedroom. You struggle in the kitchen and the living room and the boardroom and the car, and you have difficulty asserting yourself in even low pressure situations. So generally communication skills and assertion skills need to be developed in low pressure situations. Simple things like when you go to someone's house and they offer you a drink, there's some of us who will say no because we just don't want to put them out, right? They're offering graciously and we're saying no when we wish we could say yes. And so if you can't even say yes to a glass of orange juice, how are you going to say yes to,

yeah, I want you to go down on me while I just lie here for 10 minutes and that, you know, I'm just going to lie here and breathe and enjoy the sensation of your tongue. So I think that we have to really look at developing those skills outside the bedroom first and foremost. You have to cultivate trust, obviously. And then I do believe that what's key to compatibility is a willingness to listen without judgment. So fantasies range from wanting to be swept off our feet and carried into the forest and on a bed of rose petals and making love gently and having them whisper in your ear that you're the only person and they can't imagine being with anyone else to going in that same forest with a bunch of people watching and maybe being bent over and

tied up and spanked and having multiple people take their turns on you. And maybe the wolves are watching in the background. And of course, there's a lot in between, and those are certainly not the two ends of the spectrum. But I think a lot of us don't share our fantasies because we're afraid of being judged. And if you're with someone with whom you feel you're being judged, that's something you want to work on. Because I think it's damn near impossible to cultivate compatibility if you're judging one another. That doesn't mean that you have to like everything. That doesn't mean that you can't have your natural reaction. But if my partner shares something with me that he's really into, let's see, he just really wants to go to a sex club and be ravaged by

eight people of all genders. And that could make me feel really uncomfortable. The truth is, if he said that to me tonight, I would be uncomfortable. And so I have to sit with that and say, okay, first and foremost, can I respond to that with, thanks for sharing that. I'm sure that wasn't easy to say. I'm thinking about how I feel about it. There's parts of it that I think could be appealing. There's parts of it that aren't immediately appealing. There's parts of it that make me nervous. And so I'm not judging his fantasy. And then in response, he's not judging my emotions. So this comes back to communication. I believe that if you want to have good sex, you begin with the three Fs of communication. So you talk about your frequency, your feelings,

and your fantasy. So frequency is quite straightforward. You know, what does sex mean to you? How often would you like to be having it? I often recommend that people put a number on a piece of paper. So you write down, you know, once a week or once a year or once a month or once with every meal. And then you write down below your partner's number and you exchange papers and you have a conversation. Because if you want sex more often than your partner, you tend to underestimate how often they want it because it feels like they're always saying no. And if you want sex less often than your partner, you tend to overestimate how often you think they want it because it feels like they're just walking around asking for sex all the time, right? Like sex now,

how about now? How about now? And so you might actually be closer than you think. And that's just an important conversation to have. So to talk about frequency, and of course that's changing over time. So nothing is a one shot. I'm glad you brought that up. Yeah. That it's ever evolving and very different. Yes. And then talk about your core erotic feeling. So frequency, feeling, fantasy. Your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you most strongly associate with sex. It's the emotion you need to experience in order to get in the mood for sex. So do you need to feel really loved? Do you need to feel really appreciated? Do you need to feel really sexy? Do you need to feel a little bit of a challenge? Do you need to feel really safe? Do you need to

feel really relaxed and de-stressed. And core erotic feelings vary from person to person. So I might, for example, need to feel really relaxed. I need the work put away. I need to make sure the house is clean. I don't want anything dangling over me. Whereas my partner, that might be kind of boring to them, right? They might want to feel a little bit of a challenge. So you have to figure out what your core erotic feeling is. You have to make yourself feel that way. You can teach your partner to support you in the process because we do get very hung up on, well, I need him to make me feel beautiful. Or I need her to make me feel appreciated. Okay. Yes. They can be a part of that process. But if you want to feel beautiful and you spend your whole day disparaging your body,

and then I'm supposed to walk in and tell you how sexy you are, I can't undo all the damage you've done. This is on you to work on the way you feel. And then once you figure out your core erotic feeling, you can move on to what I call your elevated erotic feeling. So your elevated erotic feeling is a feeling that can take sex to the next level. So your core erotic feeling makes sex possible. It doesn't mean every time I'm relaxed, I want to have sex, but if I'm not relaxed, it's just, there's no way, no how. Once that's out of the way, and in many relationships, it's easy to kind of always have that fulfilled. So for me, for example, if it was, I need to feel really loved, I always feel loved. My partner's really good to me. We have a nice foundation.

Of course, he drives me bananas sometimes and I overreact, but overall, like I always know I'm loved. I know I'm loved and supported, but that doesn't turn me on, right? I'm not like, oh yeah, let's i feel loved let's go so your your elevated erotic feeling might be something that feels a little bit more subversive it might be that like you know i can get turned on a little bit by jealousy i can get turned on a little bit by challenge some people can get turned on by by you know look at kinky play by being humiliated right in the context of a safe loving relationship you can take some of these otherwise uncomfortable feelings and not only subvert them so that you feel comfortable in them, but so much so that they tend to arouse you. So I think those are

two very important conversations. I also have a podcast called The Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. You can go listen to those a little bit more. And then finally, it's your fantasies. And talking about your fantasies is really difficult. I describe the fantasy in the forest with the wolves watching. Most people are not going to necessarily have their first fantasy conversation with that degree of detail. And most of us, many of us don't even have fantasies with that to detail. So there's a couple of ways I suggest you talk about fantasies. Number one, turn to pop culture. What are you seeing on TV that turns you on? And what are you seeing that really feels off-putting? So just have those conversations about these third-party characters. To whom are

you attracted? Who is kind of repulsive to you? And it's usually a behavioral thing, not a physical thing. So if you can have those conversations about third parties, it can be easier to express what you like what you dislike and then you can bridge that conversation and back to yourselves because you're gaining clarity on what it is that you actually like and don't like in terms of preference right i mean especially if you've never dabbled or asked yourself that question well do i have fantasies and what do i like because how are you supposed to communicate that if you yourself are not grounded in your own convictions of what that is for you that can be really difficult you know that's bang on yes oh my gosh well this is awesome awesome one final question

or comment question i want to make is what if what if a couple is from a physical perspective like in terms of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation for men a lot of the people that i work with are male bodies and and experience you know performance anxiety and that sort of thing how um how do you address that again and obviously i'm sure it's safety and trust and all that yummy stuff that you just said but is there any other piece of advice or suggestions you would recommend for that situation so first and foremost you're going to go to your medical professional so that's going to be your doctor or someone like you working with the pelvic floor to rule out the physical conditions but if we're looking at the psychogenic so it's something that's

you know mental and it's affecting the way your body responds um there are kind of steps that we go through so we would begin by probably looking at understandings of what sex looks like because when people get hung up on, for example, lasting 15 minutes, but the reality is that sex only lasts four or five, six minutes on average, that anxiety, when you quote unquote only last a minute, two minutes, three minutes, five minutes, that anxiety results in a cortisol level spike in your body and then that fight or flight response. And then of course you might lose your erection or you might ejaculate early. So first we look at really just understanding what sex looks like and the science of sex, because most of us never studied that, right? Then we would also probably

do some, we do some physical exercises. So you're actually a part of our last longer in bed video course, overcoming premature ejaculation. And you teach a little bit about the body and what types of physical exercises people can be doing, not specific as longer, but to tone their pelvic floor and to understand the muscles in that region. And these exercises aren't really complicated. They're not difficult. They're not strenuous, but again, we've never done them, right? We don't grow up learning to tone our pelvic floor or learning to really understand how your penis or the muscles around your vagina, for that matter, work. So we go through physical exercises and then we move on to mindfulness practice. And this is so important and it's evidence-based. And we have a wealth of

research now, first of all, it's been around for thousands of years in the East with other cultures practicing versions of mindfulness. And I know it's a bit of a buzzword in the West right now, but we know that as you tune into your body and take steps to be more present, so that could be emotional presence, that could be focusing in on one sensation, it could be different types of mindfulness visualizations and learning to breathe purposefully, the effects of just those simple tools, which anybody can do. There's nothing that makes one person better at that than another, other than a willingness to try it and follow through. That affects your hormonal and chemical response to arousal and also to distress, to the anxiety that you've learned to associate with sex.

and we're trying to create these new associations through mindfulness so that you learn to tune into pleasure right you learn to take your time with it rather than timing yourself actually enjoying it so we've got the we do mindfulness techniques that for example a really simple one we do a visualization in the shower where a lot of people get into bed and they're anxious and so they have to prepare before they get into bed so you're in the shower and you simply feel the water on your body and anything that's bothering you, any intrusive thoughts, you simply envision them rinsing down the drain. I find this really useful for life, obviously. These are practices that affect your entire lifestyle, not just sex. They will pay off in the bedroom. But for me,

for example, I get into bed and I've got a gazillion things on my mind. I'm thinking about what I did that day. I'm thinking about what I didn't get done that day. I'm thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. That's a typical mindset of an entrepreneur. And we need to do a mind dump. So some people will write down everything so that at least it's there in the morning and they can forget about it instead of replaying scenarios in their head. Other people will do the shower meditation. We do different breathing exercises. And then eventually we do different touch techniques, different ways of touching your body so that you're not just choking your penis always in the same way. Because with premature ejaculation and erectile issues, we don't want

you to have to think about things that aren't pleasurable right we want sex to be pleasurable so we do have an online program and i know dr suzy is a part of it so thank you a privilege yeah oh you you can check that out at happiercouples.com it's our last longer in bed program that's great yeah that's wonderful thank you so much for sharing that and and on that note how else can listeners connect with you what else are you dabbling in i know you've been busy traveling around the world and speaking engagements. So yeah, I'm on tour right now. So it's sexwithdrjess.com and you'll find the schedule, but easiest way is Instagram. You can find me at sexwithdrjess. That's awesome. And I'll make sure to link the program to the show notes

and all your yummy information and how to connect with Dr. Jess for sure. But thank you so much, Dr. Jess, for being on the show. It was been a pleasure. What an eyeopening conversation, one that needs to be had across the board. I mean, everyone needs to know this information. So I really appreciate your time and your wisdom and just your transparency to like help humans connect with themselves and with others. Thank you so much.

You know, I'm a big fan of your work. Everybody should be seeing pelvic floor physiotherapists if they can. Yeah, yeah. I love it. Stronger in numbers. Thank you again. And to all our listeners and viewers out there

in loving wellness for your pelvis. This is Dr. Susie G. Until next time, my friends. Bye. Thanks for listening to today's episode. Be sure to head on over to drsusieg.com where you can get more information, show notes, and related articles on today's topic. Also, if you like what you're hearing, head on over to iTunes, subscribe to the podcast, and leave us a rating and review. We'd love to hear feedback. Thanks again. I'll tell you what, I don't know if you get cold feet, but he is my warmer.