In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - Sex tips that every man should learn: how to pleasure your partner to orgasm

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

Men who are aware of female sexual anatomy relax more around sex and enjoy their sexual pleasure more. Why? Because they don't have to work so hard (no pun intended) to "give" their partner an orgasm. Research shows that even in relationships, 85% of men will orgasm during sex while only 65% of women will orgasm during sex. Only 4% of women experience orgasm from only penetration, and a lot of women don't have their first orgasm until they try a vibrator. While the entertainment industry has culturally taught us that men only orgasm from thrusting fast and hard, there are more pleasurable experiences to be discovered. There's so much sexual freedom that comes from learning about female sexual anatomy! We cover topics like: 2:14: Why women have fewer orgasms than men and how it's not your job to give your partner an orgasm (but tips to help you do it!) 4:30 How men can understand female anatomy to have mutual orgasms during sex 9:40 Introducing vibrators and sex toys for sex with a partner 12:30 Why vibration can cause men to orgasm too 15:00 What makes women orgasm and does penis size matter? 20:00 How to contact Dr. Laurie Mintz Dr. Laurie Mintz is a Professor at the University of Florida where she teaches Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduates yearly. She has published over 55 academic works. She is the author of two popular press books—both with published studies demonstrating their effectiveness: Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It  and A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex.  Mintz has a private practice, working with clients on general and sexual issues. She is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, indicating that her work has had a positive national influence on the field of psychology. CONNECT WITH DR. LAURIE MINTZ: Website: https://www.drlauriemintz.com/ Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters- And How to Get It: https://amzn.to/3wudYzY Social media: drlauriemintz CONNECT WITH ME (DR. SUSIE): Website: https://drsusieg.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.susieg/ RESOURCES: Free sex resources https://drsusieg.com/resources Disclaimer: This information is not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a healthcare professional with any questions you may have regarding treatment, medications/supplements, or any medical diagnoses. This information is intended for educational purposes only and is in no way to substitute the advice of a licensed healthcare professional.

you're listening to the in your pants podcast i'm your host dr suzy gronski your penis friendly pelvic health physical therapist sex counselor and educator helping you get in the know down below Hi, everyone. It's Dr. Susie G here, and welcome to another In Your Pants podcast. Thank you so much for being here. So on today's show, we are going to get clitorate with Dr. Lori Mintz. Dr. Lori talks to us about the orgasm gap and what factors contribute to this orgasm gap and why it's particularly important for men to understand female sexual anatomy so that they can take a step back from the pressure around performance and focus more on their pleasure all by understanding and deepening their knowledge

around female sexual anatomy. We also talk about penis size and does it really matter? Dr. Lori Mintz walks us through the research on that. So to formally introduce my very special guest today, Dr. Lori Mintz is a professor at the University of Florida where she teaches human sexuality to hundreds of undergraduates yearly. She has published over 55 academic works. She is the author of popular press books both with published studies demonstrating their effectiveness, Becoming Clitorate, Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It, and A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex. Mintz has a private practice working with clients on general and sexual issues. She is a fellow of the American Psychological Association indicating that her work

has had a positive national influence on the field of psychology. I hope you all enjoy this show. Dr. Lori, thank you so much for being here with me today. It is my pleasure to be here. Well, speaking of pleasure, let's just jump right into it. Talk to us about the orgasm gap and why it's important for men and women to know about. Absolutely. So the orgasm gap is the consistent finding in the scientific literature that when men and women get it on, the women are having substantially fewer orgasms than the men. Let me highlight that with just a few striking statistics. In one study, 39% of women versus 91% of men said they usually or always orgasm during a sexual encounter wow that's quite a gap now that study didn't ask

the context of the sex but in additional studies what we've known what we've learned is that the gap is massive the biggest in hookup sex it gets smaller with friends with benefits and in relationship sex it's smallest of all but it never closes all together in one study in the last instance of relationship sex, 85% of men versus 65% of women had an orgasm. So the orgasm gap is, you know, women are having fewer orgasms and why is, you know, delving into the causes of that tells us the solutions to that. And those solutions benefit both women and men. They benefit women because we have orgasms. Yay. Yay. And they benefit men because that takes the pressure off of men to give women an orgasm. So that's, that's why it's so important to delve

into why we have it and how to fix it. Thank you, Dr. Lori. And I'm sure a lot of the men out there are like, tell me more because there is so much pressure to perform and to give, this orgasm to their partner who has a clitoris, it might help for us to maybe go over some female anatomy because we both know that there is a huge education gap around our sexual anatomy in our culture. So I would love for you to walk us through the female anatomy. I would absolutely love to. So we both have vulva puppets. And yes, they are very similar. So let's go through this. And what I'm going to do as I go through this is I'm going to also say what part they're analogous to because we all develop embryonically similarly. So

these are the outer lips. And when a vulva is at rest, they just enclose what's in. They just protect what's in, and that is very similar to the sac that encloses the testicles, okay? Then in the vulva itself, these are the inner lips, and they are made of the same embryonic tissue as the shaft of the penis. They're hairless, and they are chock full of touch-sensitive nerve endings and erectile tissue. Yes, we have erectile tissue in our vulvas. Now, if you follow these lips up, they form the clitoral hood. The clitoral hood is analogous to the male foreskin, which often is removed in circumcision depending on the culture, etc. them. Now, if you peek under the hood, there's the clitoral glands. That is analogous to the head of

the penis, the glands of the penis. However, this little glands has more touch-sensitive nerve endings packed into a small space of anywhere on the human body. Basically, imagine all the nerve endings of the end of the penis put into the size of a pencil eraser. That's a lot of nerve endings in a small space, which is why many people should not touch it directly. Ouch, that hurts and prefer more indirect stimulation. Also on the vulva, there's a mound of fatty tissue here called the mound's pubis. Now, that might not sound very sexy, but it's very sexy because the clitoris is actually an internal organ and the internal part of the clitoris runs through here. Now, also you will find a vaginal opening and an anal opening. The important thing to know about

the vaginal opening is around it on the outside, also chock full of touch sensitive nerve endings. However, the inner one-third of the canal where penises can go in, babies can come out, also chock full of touch-sensitive nerve endings, whereas the inner two-thirds, no touch-sensitive nerve endings, explaining why women can wear a tampon and not feel it. But there are pressure-sensitive nerve endings there, which when aroused, pressure feels good, but not till one is aroused. But what is very important to know in relates to the orgasm gap is that all, all of the nerve endings necessary for female orgasm are on the outside, not the inside. And in fact, that is why, depending how you ask the question, but the most recent studies tell us that only 15% of women orgasm from thrusting alone. And other research that I've conducted, I don't even ask about the use the word intercourse, I just say what's your most reliable route to orgasm? only four percent say penetration alone so that the basic the understanding of the anatomy is going to help us close the orgasm gap culturally and in individual bedrooms now i know

you're an expert on female anatomy and i always love to learn so if there's something that i said that you disagree with, please feel free to correct me because we know so little about female anatomy. There may be something we can both learn from each other and your listeners can learn something as well. Thank you, Dr. Lori. No, that was very detailed. And I don't think you really missed anything, to be honest. That was very thorough. And in fact, as you were describing all the parts, it just reminded me of the appreciation that I have for this very, what could be a very vulnerable, but also very pleasurable part of the body and how much this education is really lacking for a lot of people.

And when they understand the anatomy in their bodies, then it's less of this intimidating area and also you know alluding to the beginning of our conversation around the pressure to perform or for especially for men as far as intercourse being the main meal so to speak or put up on a platform that that is what sex is and I want to make a comment about your earrings which is a great segue into yes the vibrator earrings they even turn on oh and I'm sure they turn on a lot of clearances not because I use them as earrings but yes vibrators in general yes so I would like to talk about that as far as why should you know first of all the stimulation and using toys and there's a lot of stigma around around that um I know for particularly even for for what that even

means to bring a toy into the bedroom. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yes. So I am a huge proponent of incorporating sex toys, and this is helpful for women and men. And let me kind of break it down. First of all, there are neuroreceptors on the clitoris and on the glands of the penis that are responsive to vibration that are found nowhere else in the human body so we know that vulvas respond incredibly well to vibration it's biological and in fact people have been using some form of vibration for a long time in the old days they used to take bees and put them in a box and the box would go and they would hold it to their vulva now we're so much luckier because we have these now we don't need to do that thank goodness

yes so vibrators give the clitoris and the vulva a type of stimulation that the human tongue the penis the hand cannot give and for many many people with vulvas it is the only reliable way to orgasm and a lot of women don't have their first orgasm until they try a vibrator and also let me say that penises love vibration too but they are as Dr. Rachel Rubin says she's a urologist works with women and men she says the penis is just a big external clitoris and the clitoris is just a penis in a different form so the nice thing to know is if you get comfortable as a man with your partner using a vibrator, you're going to catch what I call some vicarious vibes and you're going to have a blast. Now, we also, let's get into the research real quick.

Research shows that women who use vibrators has easier and more frequent orgasms. The research shows that a man's acceptance of a female partner's vibrator use is highly correlated with her sexual satisfaction the research also shows men are very invested in women having orgasms but they've been misguided by porn showing thrusting is the way if men embrace oral sex manual stimulation vibrator stimulation alone or during intercourse they can relax they can enjoy their pleasure during intercourse and not have to thrust hard and last long and the final thing i want to say is vibrators do not there's two myths one they replace partners no no no no they don't cuddle they don't laugh they don't kiss you they don't hold you all they do is

provide a great source of stimulation they're not addictive carpenters don't get addicted to power tools they just use them because they get the job done easier same thing and a metaphor i love to use with men who are resistant and women imagine you and your partner are swimming in the swimming pool you have a raft there you jump on the raft you jump off the raft you have a lovely lovely time and you wouldn't call your friend and go oh me and my raft had the best day and the vibrator i mean I'm sorry. And my boyfriend was there too. You wouldn't even mention the raft because it's just a tool to help you and your partner enjoy this experience together. And the same is true of vibrators. So they are really very useful in closing the orgasm gap and taking pressure off

of men. Yes. Thank you. Well said Dr. Lori. I really liked that metaphor, that analogy you used about the RAF because it's so true. You know, there's often this resistance to expanding one sexual portfolio or the use of sexual resources because of all of these stereotypes and stigmatizations around the use of these resources. Absolutely. So thank you for busting that myth for us. And my question to you, the next question is, so why should men care about getting educated or clitorate, as you would say in your book, becoming clitorate. Why does it matter? There's a special section you have in your book devoted to men. And I'd like for you to talk a little bit about that. Sure. So to become clitorate is simply to be aware of female anatomy. And again,

only 4% of women orgasm reliably from penetration alone. So men are, they don't know this. We don't teach it in sex ed it's not portrayed in movies the only time men often get to learn this is from a long-term partner and so many men since that when they don't know this they feel so bad about themselves inadequate worried about their penis size worried about how long it lasts how hard it thrusts and there's a wonderful book also by a man named ian kerner it's called she comes first and it's an oral sex how-to guide and basically he says for a lot of men who've learned to base their self-esteem on the penis it's kind of a hard pill to swallow that it's not really essential to most women's pleasure it's pleasurable but it's not going to be orgasmic for most but he said but

once you swallow this pill it's liberating and freeing because then you can be free to love with your more of yourself, your whole self, your hands, your mouth, everything, and you can take the pressure off of yourself. So this is why when I wrote Becoming Clitorate, which is really an orgasm empowerment and education tool for women, I had a chapter I wrote called Clitoracy for Him, in which I summarized the whole book written towards men in one chapter. And I'm very excited to share that research published in the scientific journal found that men who read that chapter become more knowledgeable of women's pleasure they become better sexual communicators and they don't they stop endorsing dangerous and self-esteem diminishing myths about their own sexuality

and there's another study that shows who women who read it become more orgasmic more aroused more satisfied so and why it's because it includes scientifically sound information about how to pleasure a vulva which we don't get taught anywhere yeah yes oh thank you so much and it sounds like penis size doesn't matter then so here's what the research shows on penis size um when you ask women and i literally just replicated this study with my students in an anonymous clicker what it depends how you ask the question if you say does penis size matter some about 50 of women will say yes but when you ask would you prefer a large an average size penis they'll say average because while men are worried about wanting to be big women are saying no

that could hurt too big but when you ask the question in a more open-ended way what is most important to you during intercourse not one woman mentions penis size not one and that's been replicated in a couple studies um what do they say instead a partner who cares about my pleasure a partner who takes their time with my pleasure what do they mean by that we're talking externals stimulation you know um being connected being emotionally connected being gentle being loving being communicative penis size really doesn't matter there's one caveat those four percent of women or 15 4 to 15 depending how you do the study those few women who do orgasm reliably from penetration are the only ones who will say it's the size really does matter but of note

if you ask which is more important length or width work men are always worried about length and i don't want to give them something else to worry about but they say with they say the girth why because that the the vaginal opening is where all those touch sensitive nerve endings are so width or girth is even more important but the bottom line for most of us as paul joanitis in his wonderful book says the guide to getting it on oh yeah it doesn't matter the size doesn't matter it's the person attached to it is he a good guy or is he a jerk that at the end of the day. That's all that matters. Oh, I, that is such a beautiful way to come to a come no pun intended there to bring this back to you, Dr. Lori and your, your work. If, if our listeners

and viewers wanted to reach out to you and connect with you on social media, your website, please share, share with us. Yes, I would love that. So my handle is the same across everything My website is www.drlauriemintz.com. And that's so D-R, Laurie, L-A-U-R-I-E-M-I-N-T-Z. And I'm also, you can find links there to buy my books, but they can also be bought wherever books are sold, my TED Talk and all my social media, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest,

and all of those have the exact same handle, Dr. Laurie Mintz. Perfect. Thank you so much, Dr. Luria. And we'll be sure to make sure to include all of those linked in the show notes for today's show and in the YouTube description below. So we really appreciate you sharing all this clitoral knowledge with us. And particularly, hopefully the men out there will relax, take a step back and absorb themselves in their own pleasure and share that pleasure with their partner, knowing that their, their penis and their function of their penis, it's not a machine. And really you don't have to work so hard. Exactly.

You can have so much more fun and relax. I'm so glad that we emphasize that it's so important because, you know, men are really suffering from this myth that they have to thrust hard last long be big it's very it's very it's it's really difficult so i hope we've we've alleviated some of that together today yes i hope so too well thank you again dr laurie for being on the show and for all of our listeners out there and viewers thank you so much and as always in loving wellness for your pelvis this is Dr. Susie. Thanks for listening to today's episode. Be sure to visit my website, drsusieg.com for show notes and related resources on today's topic. If you like what you're hearing,

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