In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - Tantra Sex Tips For Men

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Does size matter? Thoughts are just an opinion. The size that does matter is the size of your sexual energy: your passion and desire to experience connection, vulnerability, and caring intimacy with yourself and a partner. Vulnerability is a strength that allows you to live an authentic life. Learn tantra and Daoist techniques with Dominique D'Vita to stimulate nerve endings in different ways and discover your own pleasure preferences. 

You're listening to In Your Pants with Dr. Suzy G, a physiotherapist for your private, helping you get in the know down below. Hey guys, it's Dr. Suzy G here and welcome to another In Your Pants podcast. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so glad you're here. On today's show, I chat with Tantra coach and registered nurse, Dominique DeVita. And we chat about a lot of things associated with pleasure. We define the concept of pleasure and pleasure mapping and neuroplasticity, so how our brain responds and changes in the patterns that occur when we have pleasurable touch and experience sensations in our bodies. And we talk about how self-love and compassion helps you to become a better lover. We talk about the concept of having an

orgasm and ejaculation, how those two are not the same. Why the size of your penis doesn't matter, but your sexual energy does. We talk about how being present and aware in the moment can enhance your intimacy both in and out of the bedroom. We chat about vulnerability both in and out of the bedroom and how that is actually where all the magic happens. We talk about toxic masculinity and that concept around that and the pressure that society places on men and how this can cause distress and difficulty with sexual function and intimacy. We also brush on the controversial topic of porn. And we even have a little show and tell at the end talking about various toys that can

help with experiencing various kinds of sensations in your body. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce our guest, Davida. Yeah. Hi, Davida. Thank you so much for being on the show today. Hi, Susie. Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm happy to be here. Well, I'm excited to have this conversation with you today because this is all about pleasure and maybe some of the myths around pleasure and maybe the potentials that we have with our pleasure, right? So let's start with what, in your opinion and your definition, what is pleasure pleasure just we have so many our body is loaded with nerve endings so that we

can feel so many different sensations and pleasure and you know it is our birthright to experience pleasure we're we're built to experience pleasure so just just there's a range of sensations of pleasures that we can experience in our bodies and i just invite my clients and to to experience different sensations and what's pleasurable for them. And we even do things like pleasure mapping because sometimes you don't even notice or discover things in your body like sensation play, if something has a light touch, more to the firm touch and different parts of our bodies that we don't even explore. So I just invite people to find out for themselves what pleasure is for them and to drop any shame or expectation about it and just be present in that moment and using things

like breath and breathing techniques to really drop into their bodies and just discover what amazing beings we are and their full pleasure potential. Oh, I love that. I got so excited over here. Like when you said pleasure mapping, because in the work that I do with people who experience pain down there, we lose that sense of touch or what pleasure even looks like anymore because we've been so disconnected from our bodies and it's painful and there's so many negatives. You mentioned shame is one of them, but the sensation of having pain and unpleasant experience physically and then emotionally, they're intertwined. And I love the concept the pleasure map because I use that as well of, well, let's find out what actually feels good,

at least less worse from that point of view. And I love that you mentioned like, you know, without shame or without judgment and being in awareness. So let's talk about that a little bit more about like maybe guilt and shame and all those, you know, inner critics that come up for us when we try to experience pleasure as a human being. Yes. You know, we all do have our own inner critic as much as we want to deny that and pretend it's not there it's always there it's like we have a courtroom in our head you know listing things off if we're guilty or innocent or playing scenarios out in our minds from either the past or the present so just having the mindfulness of being in the present moment and trying to let go of anything from either society or conditioning

or parents or even post-traumatic events that may have had us have shame about our bodies or where we're feeling inadequate and just taking a moment to even have, you know, loving on ourselves and have appreciation and gratitude for our bodies because our bodies are amazing. And so just even the fact that we're able, I'm also a nurse. So the fact that we're able to get out of our bed in the day and that it carries us through the day and allows us to experience life is so amazing and something that we often take for granted. So, you know, I just invite people to try to let go of any shame that they have or any expectations they can have about their bodies by judging them based on what's in the media because media is a lot of like photoshop and perfect lighting and

hair and light right and so we are just real human beings and so like let's enjoy and find the things that we do appreciate about appreciate about ourselves because we can focus on that one little thing that is bothering us and where our attention goes energy flows so then we just mag you know we magnetize that we make it so much bigger than it is and we can get so hyper focused on that so like even focusing on other parts of your body like even if it's just like massaging your chest and sensations that you have with all these other nerve endings you know even like a scalp massage like how else even just having another body massage how else can we experience good sensations in our body instead of getting so hung up on like what isn't working because the

more we focus on what's not working the more it doesn't work in a way because we're just yeah it just becomes like we get so almost obsessive about it in a way and so and then we lose sight of all the wonderful things that are going on and so we have to have that balance of like having the gratitude gratitude every day especially when going through pain like waking up in the morning and gratitude practice and thanking being thankful for the things that are working and being thankful you have another day to figure out and try to heal the things that need healing and even when you go to bed at night just that practice of gratitude can really turn things around for you and have you experience your body, your life in a different way.

That's so beautiful. There's so much to unpack there. Where do I even begin? Wherever you want, wherever you want. I feel like that was so powerful because you're right. Like, you know, I think let's go back to when you mentioned like social media and expectations of society and culture, right? Which is going to be different for everyone depending on what part of the world that they're living in and their beliefs and how they're brought up and et cetera, et cetera. There's a concept about size and I'm going to, I'm going to turn this to, to male bodies. Now there's a concept of size. And, and if you, I believe, I believe that the number one, I don't want to say number one, but I think the number one Googled thing is what's an average

size or how big should my penis be or anything related to that? I don't know if you know, but you know, again, I'm not trying to spit stats here that I don't know, but I think that's a fairly common Google searched item of, you know, how, how big should it be? And it does mine size up. Right. So, you know, let's, let's kind of unpack that a little bit. Let's zoom out and kind of talk about that. Like what we're meant to, I guess what we're meant to believe or what we think we believe. And then how does that really, again, I can imagine that it influences your ability to be present in the moment? And what if you're not like everything that you see or that what everyone says and what happens there, are you doomed? And I'd probably like to kind of go

into more of that masculinity aspect of like expectations for a man, right? What should a man do or what should a man look like or be or act or behave, right? And those are very big questions, but let's unpack this a little bit more. Yes. Let's unpack whether they're packing or not. Right. I love it. You got it. So the thing is, you know, that so much, like so much pressure on males. And I really, I really feel and have such great empathy for them. And even when I work with female clients, I'm just like, you know, you need to think about what the struggle is for men in our society. There's so much pressure placed on them. And as females, we can focus on what our struggles are but we don't we also need to have empathy for our male counterparts so one

of the things being the size and you know when tantra because i'm since i'm a tantra coach the thing is i what i have learned and experienced is that actually the presence and the connection that you have in a partner like if they're able to be fully present with you and the energy that they have circulating energy through their body. So really the size of their energy and their ability to, you know, with Tantra practices are able to have erections for a longer period of time. And even I'm able to coach my clients how to separate their orgasm from their ejaculation. So they can experience male multiple orgasm. So then they're able to last a lot longer. And then their partners are able to have extended pleasure like prolonged states of you know ecstatic

pleasure and for females anatomically it takes us so much longer to reach orgasm than it does the males so if they're not lasting the experience isn't lasting very long then sometimes you know the males can have an orgasm before the females do so really the most important thing is like the the energy that you're having and you're bringing and the full are you being fully present are you being bringing all of yourself into that moment are you just approaching your partner and that that experience just from your genitals or can you even bring your awareness bring your heart into it and be vulnerable and be fully present and just honor that person and drop away let go of fears and expectations and doubts and just really look at the things and have gratitude for

how beautiful each of you are in the moment because two beings being brought together can be such a beautiful experience so you know I think that the size and things like that is such a distraction and and things and stuff that we see in media also you know you're going to see the very few people that are beyond the average of size and you know me being you know a female and I've experienced people with a in a range of sizes I've actually had more pleasure with people that are average to even below average size so it's just this unrealistic expectation that's placed on males and then they start to judge themselves and when they get too much into their their heads up here about that and they're being critical of themselves then we can sense that and the

discomfort they have within their bodies can hinder the experience between the two people just like with a female is too self-conscious and you're not able to be fully open and and explore things because you're having all this judgment and shame right you know then the male can't even enjoy being with that partner as much so you know so it's really about the energy and about the connection on a level even more than just the genitals, on just your full presence. Absolutely. Yes. I love that, that it's more than just the genitals. It's being present, having trust, feeling vulnerable with that person or having trust enough to be vulnerable with that person and to experience, to absorb yourself in the experience fully, right? Rather than

just believing everything that your inner critic is saying to you and dictating because really thoughts are just an opinion. True. So true. So we have to just love ourselves a lot. A lot of things go into being a good lover and being the best lover is being a great self-lover because when you know how to love yourself fully, then you're going to be able to connect with other people in a better way. And you're going to be able to enter the situation from a place of not having as much shame or letting that inner critic kind of have a rest and, and not allow the inner critic to join you in the bedroom or wherever it may be. Right. Right. Cause what happens in the bedroom is probably what you're caring, you know, what's happening out in your life. And let me,

let me rephrase that. What's happening outside of the bedroom is what you're bringing into the bedroom, right? It's your whole life and your presence in life and your relationships otherwise that is kind of being expressed. So I want to chat more with you, Javita, about your experience with men and some of the social cultural barriers. I guess, you know, the stigmas around masculinity and really, I guess, the hookups or the things that trip men up because of some of these social concepts that we're living in. And I want to just expand on something that you also just said is that even with coaching my clients in Tantra, what I let them know is that when they get things better in the bedroom and they have that level of self-mastery, it actually extends

outside of the bedroom as well. So, you know, you're just going to have a better life and your relationships outside of your romantic partners are going to be enriched. But yes, it's just, you know, there's so much like toxic masculinity and so many, you know, things with our society to pressure men and, you know, expect men to not be able to have emotions. I mean, they're humans and they should be allowed to have a human experience at which, you know, includes being able to express emotions or to have sadness or to be able to cry. And so for them to always have to hold up this tough exterior and this kind of armor that they do, then that actually hinders them when they want to experience intimacy with someone because they don't know how to kind of

drop that armor and to let go of this illusion or this mask that they've been wearing that they felt pressure by society to wear so that they live up to this expectation of this hyper masculinity and males are we are all a combination we all have regardless of gender we have a combination of both masculine and feminine energies and so a lot of males they get really because of society and stigmas and things that are placed on that in shame of like you know you need a man up or you're you know if you're you're being too soft or just whatever those things that can be even said through childhood or whatever that are carried over um they're they really repress their feminine energy but in truth males have both the x y chromosomes so they're

more of a balance of the masculine and feminine than even a female so because they have both of these chromosomes so what you what we see a lot of times is that they end up wanting to be either like be athletes and be sport you know in sports or either a big sports fan to be very masculine or they join the military or whatever and so they're always trying to prove their manhood and you know it's really such a challenge and so I just embrace them to realize you know you do there are feminine qualities about you that are very beautiful you know that feminine energy is something to be embraced and there are gifts within that too that they need to unpack and not always like push away and resist so when you see a male that can be comfortable in his feminine

energy and you know it's actually very attractive and you know our our ability to be vulnerable is actually a superpower and a strength and we it's often seen as weakness but it's time to be seen for what it is because it's really strength because the weakness is when we keep pretending and wearing masks and keep trying to fool ourselves and others. And we're not living in our own authenticity and our truth. That's beautiful. Oh, vulnerability is a strength. Oh, that's where the magic happens. I love it. It is. It definitely is. How do you help your clients get to that point of embracing vulnerability and that non-masculine side or the feminine side? How? Yeah, I think the best thing is just to,

you know, give them the space to actually explore that and to talk with them and let them know that they can drop the shame about that. And there's actually also a good book that I recommend to some of my clients by Lewis Howes called The Mask of Masculinity, which I think is really great. and then I just teach them different things with self-love techniques and breath work techniques and just getting them more in touch with their bodies and then to explore and explore their bodies and not to have any shame about it and just to understand like the feminine aspects like as as females when we are in our more in our masculine energy that's the energy of like getting shit done excuse my language getting things done you're totally fine on this show

okay all right good good just checking so of getting things done and being very direct and a lot of times females do this too like we're very much into our masculine because we want to be taken seriously it makes us feel safer we want to be taken seriously in the workplace or with our careers so we get very much into our masculine and even i have female clients that are having challenges dropping into their feminine so it's just realizing that you know actually that feminine energy is what the our masculine male counterparts actually crave because there's so much masculinity and that energy in the world so while masculine energy is great for getting things done and certain things and having a certain drive for things there's also a lot of beauty in the feminine

energy and the softness there and the vulnerability also that is present with that that is really much needed and so I just try to explain how to balance both of these things and self-love breath work and just dropping shame are the first steps where I help them start to overcome this and embrace all aspects of who they are right all parts are welcome right all parts are welcome and it sounds like you're really facilitating that process or at least holding a space like you're saying I'm holding space for them and creating the space for vulnerability to occur, validation, et cetera, et cetera. I want to kind of talk or have you kind of explain what are some of the tantric and Taoist

techniques that you use with a client? And I'm sure this is very individualistic, but for those of us that don't really know kind of what goes into a session or what this means, could you explain like what techniques would look like or? Yes, I would love to. These are ancient techniques from like thousands of years ago. And even the royalty in certain societies, like the emperors would use these techniques, and they would keep this knowledge hidden away from the common people, because this is how they would step fully into their power. Right. So a lot of times, you know, because once we really in touch with ourselves,

and we understand our inner world, we can impact our outer worlds in a bigger and better way. So one of the techniques that is really great is just breath work and breathing practices and helping to move and circulate the energy through our bodies because our sexual energy is our most creative energy. And we work because we were created from sexual energy, but there's so much shame around our sexual energy, but we're creative from that. So how could there be shame in that? There's no shame in us. We're amazing beings, right? And so when you learn how to tap in and harness and focus that sexual energy, it's very empowering. And just feeling that move through our bodies, because a lot of times we have either blocks to it, or we have repressed things or had

shame. And so we let that energy be stagnant. And even you can let that energy collect a lot in your lower chakras, which are related to where your pelvic region is. So you can kind of block and kind of lock things down there and the energy's not flowing or if you're not even open to experiencing pleasure and you may not want to be experiencing pleasure in a typical way if you're having a lot of pelvic pain which is understandable but then it's just this continued cycle because you're not allowing that energy to move through your body so i just talk to them and guide them on breathwork techniques to help to move that energy through their bodies through all their chakras and fully circulate through their system. And that's very regenerative, restorative. It's

really healthy for our bodies. And there's just doing other techniques, which it might be contraindicated with what you're doing with a PT, but a lot of it is the PC muscles and strengthening the pelvic floor, which I know that you do some of that, but I don't know in which cases what what your recommendations are. But doing, you know, PC muscle squeezes and strengthening the pelvic floor, because a lot of us can get weakness there over time. And also knowing that when you strengthen those muscles, it's also important to fully relax them too. So we're not too uptight because we know the people that are always clenched and uptight. They're anal. Right. You've got to relax that, you know, equally, you know, relax. And that's where the breath work actually

helps too right and then doing meditation practices and starting to have a meditation practice so that you can be more in tune with your body and with your breath and just we get so disconnected we're so like living in this space up here that we disconnect ourselves from our bodies and so then we just forget like to experience all the things that we can experience here we're just kind of like up in our logical minds and we don't fully have presence in our bodies and tuning into like how traumas or past experiences or shame are creating disease because disease is dis-ease and creating discomfort in our bodies and sometimes our bodies will show these symptoms because our bodies are trying to communicate and tell us that something like we

need to pay attention to something that maybe consciously we're like oh I can keep putting up with that or this relationship is okay or I won't express my needs or I won't I won't make healthy boundaries for myself so there's a lot of there's a lot of different things that go into it but just initially starting with these ancient practices and techniques and the other thing is your sexual energy it's kind of like you know if you have a hundred watt light bulb that that light could fill the room but if you get that same hundred watts of light and you put it like through a laser light and you focus it it could cut through steel so just knowing how to tap into what your sexual energy is knowing how to focus in on it and use it to create the life that you

want because when we tap into that creative energy and we just don't waste it through like frequent ejaculation because that can be so draining and we really know how to focus it into what our goals and our desires are and our dreams are you know we can create it creates life right so we can create the lives that we want so those are some of the things that I work with my clients on that's pretty deep work I'm very much in alignment with what what you know I would often recommend for people is you know being more fully present being aware giving other body parts love but also as you said that it's what's going up here on an intellectual level on a cerebral level cognitive level we're always here we're always kind of in my in our minds and our heads

and sometimes that can be a scary place to tap into when you're not even aware of all this chatter that's going on uh and even that awareness in itself of noticing what you're noticing can be quite powerful right like yes where's all my energy going yes yeah like where's this energy going and speaking of energy so could you i wanted to ask you earlier but sexual energy right how would you define like how how would you define like sexual energy because I could assume that that's probably different for every single person and and and how that manifests or translates into their life but is there is there a definition for for sexual energy sorry for my ignorance no I'm not sure exactly what the definite the the true definition will be but for me the

and the way I would describe it is just that energy and that passion that desire and a lot of times we have in ancient tantric techniques we have like these energy centers in our bodies called the chakras and it's very ancient and the chakras are like these unseen it's not like an organ or a spot but it's these little energy centers in our bodies and they're related to different organs based on where they are so the the sexual energy actually helps flow through those chakras and those energy centers to keep everything balanced in our system and a lot of people operate and their chakras are open like from the first second and third chakras in the lower end in the pelvic region but then there's a blockage in the heart chakra because we've either

had an experience through childhood or with a parent or with a past lover where we've kind of shut ourselves down and guarded ourselves and so we end up just the the energy just keeps coming through the first second and third chakras and and spinning out through that those regions and we can feel the intensity of it so you can feel like a lot of like desire and you can actually make some bad decisions sometimes because you're impulsively hook up with someone because you're just like oh my gosh I'm just feeling so super aroused and I just have got to do this and connect with someone and then you just keep spiraling the energy you go from the first second and third and then you'll end up being with someone or doing something or ejaculating and then you go back down

down to the first right so when I work with people and I have them open up their heart chakra through self-love and other tantric practices because pink tantra is actually all about self-love then i have them use the breath work to bring their pleasure work on pleasure practices and build that sexual energy too if they're not having a lot of sexual energy and bring that energy up and with the breath to open up any chakras or blockages they have in their system so they have more balance and then you're able to tap in more into your there's a chakra here that is with intuition or the third eye your crown chakra is with enlightenment and that's when you get into like full self-actualization and like in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs and you kind of

self-actualize and you really have this awareness and you can have more discernment and discernment and more intuition to make better decisions in your life and not be kind of you see people that rule their lives based on their groins and they're more of a primal need like and that's that's all they operate from and they don't do other things with their energies to have a life that they're, that they would really love living, they kind of shortchange themselves. Right. And, and this brings, well, this is a controversial topic and I know we were talking about this off air is, is pornography, uh, because it kind of reminds me of what we were talking

about, right? Like where are we, where's our energy? What are we, you know, how is what we're doing serving us in our life? Right. and i'd like to open up that conversation i mean you know we're not bashing porn or anything here i just want to definitely not put that out there uh you know it's a modality is a tool um and and i kind of just want to have a conversation around it like in your experience debita you know what's your opinion on on porn and how it impacts your clients yes i've always been very open about porn

and in the past when i had a relationship with someone they watched porn it just wouldn't even faze me. I'll be like, okay, what, you know, no judgment about it. But just having awareness as I've worked with some clients, some clients say they go to porn and they, they've become addicted to it because they use it so frequently. And it ends up becoming instead of a tool that could help with arousal or something, and that they, something that could do on an occasion, they get to where it becomes addiction. So everything is about how you use something and what your intention is with it. And is it something that you're having self-control over, or is it something that's controlling you and so yeah so if you're having you know anything in life whether it's just you

occasionally have a glass of wine or then you're having to have a glass of wine you know what i mean right throughout the day you know you're drinking daily and i know a glass of wine is probably not the best example because there's health benefits having a glass of wine daily right but anything i hear you anything that you have like an addiction anything yeah the phone work sweet sugar i mean there's a lot of things that we can be addicted to right so so it's just like how is this impacting your life what is your intention in using it and so sometimes with porn there's so much imagery in the porn that the brain will get so used to having that to stay aroused when someone's self-pleasuring with all of those images so then when they're with a partner

and they're just being with a person and especially like if they're doing missionary position and they're just seeing the person's face and they're not just seeing like money shot money shot money shot right their their body their anatomical is like where are all these images i'm used to seeing while we're doing this give me more i know i'm getting ripped off you know so and so your body it can desensitize and your body cannot respond in person the way you would when you're when you're self-pleasuring and the other part of that is a lot of times with males when they will self-pleasure they use such a firm grip and so if they're using such a firm grip they desensitize themselves just like if females are using very intense sex toys you will

desensitize yourself so i invite them to to do some self-pleasure practices where it's not all about even maintaining erection or having ejaculation using just coconut or something and just having with different touch and and being able to have see what subtle sensations feel like because when you're with a female partner and if she's very aroused and lubricated it's not going to have the same intensity as like a tight hand grip right and so then you're you know then when your your body got used to this this hand grip when you're self-pleasuring and then you're inside and in a female and the anatomy is going to feel different and then you don't have that strong grip and your your body won't respond the same way right oh my gosh change

your body's responses and the biggest part of that is the neuroplasticity like our brains are and the beautiful thing is that we can we can we can change that we can change neuroplasticity we can build our brains we can increase gray matter we can change patterns but just to have the awareness of well one especially when i talk about tantra in caveman times prehistoric time if a man is not going to be in the middle of the jungle having hours long tantric sex with their partners because then a saber tooth tiger come in and wipe them out and we wouldn't even be here today like that we wouldn't the species wouldn't have continued so you know that's just so for necessity and being outdoors you know our ancestors would do things quickly

right so then you go into being a preteen or a teen and when males start and even females but especially for it impacts males more whenever you're self-pleasuring you don't want to be caught by your parents so you do things very quickly right so then you get used to getting from point a to point b very quickly so these like neural pathways just the more often we use it the deeper that groove gets in our brain and so what i do when i work with my clients is just have them have that awareness and try to create new pleasure pathways and new ways of experiencing so they can have prolonged periods of pleasure and so they can have more intimacy more connection with their partners and with themselves even when they're self-pleasuring oh my gosh goal doesn't always

have to be ejaculation right you know it's about connection and just intimacy and and intimacy is into me you see like and so it's just being able to be fully seen and be able to fully see and accept someone else for who they are as a person not just as a fantasy that's beautiful into me you see wow I've never heard that before so I'm a little blown away hold on a second it's like that's perfect because and you've hit it right on I mean to be to write on the money with with all of that I mean I have I really am like blown away because that's the that is the truth. Like, you know, not only everything that you said, but in what I see with people is that sometimes there's even injuries that can occur, you know, when you're doing things like, for

example, jelking is a technique that, you know, again, I'm sure works for some people, but it's how you work it, how you use it, what your intention is. And there's a lot of nerve endings there that pick up on danger messages. Most of those nerve endings are the ones that are picking up on danger messages, rightfully so. And there's a lot of top-down inhibition that happens because you're not feeling pain in your genitals when you're feeling pleasure, of course, if you're not in pain generally. But yeah, that can quickly turn if there's some tissue injury or harm that happens due to aggressiveness. And then that kind of spirals into a cascade of, I have pain down here and then, oh my gosh, what's going to happen to my sexual function? And now pleasure and pain

are riding a fine line, right? Yeah. I just think that's so important. That's so important in saying like, hey, let's embrace this. Let's kind of get different sensory touch. I love that you brought that into like use different maybe lubricants and get different, stimulate sensory nerve endings in different ways that are slower, that your nervous system is, can digest slower, you know, like we don't have to always be rushing, but it's, it's unfortunate because I feel like that's most of the education that goes on out there. I don't think our youth, in my opinion, I don't think our youth is getting any solid sexual health education or counseling at all. And what they're learning is what they're picking up from, you know, either what they're seeing in their, in

their household or what's happening out in social media and movies and TVs and et cetera, et cetera, which isn't like we already touched upon real life. And when have we ever in any generation had proper sex education? We never have. Sex education has either been about having shame or abstinence or abstinence or don't do anything until you get married, or it's about prevention of disease or prevention of pregnancy. No one ever sits and talks with us and tells us how much immense pleasure we can feel in our bodies and how beautiful that is. And even some of the things in porn, and I'm not against porn, but they sometimes mislead people. They don't show males how amazing they can be and how they can actually achieve multiple male orgasm,

that they can experience immense pleasure within their bodies and that they can, I mean, there's so much even sexual healing that females can have when males know how to do these techniques, but it's not available to either of us if we're doing things like what we're seeing in media, right? Because those scenarios are very, you know, things are very fast. There's not a lot of warmup or a lot of foreplay a lot in the majority of those instances. And one thing as far as sensation is just to think about when like whenever you rub your hands together like if we rub our hands together and we rub them together very quickly you just do that for a moment like okay and then if you just slow down and then you slowly move your hands back and forth and just take the time

and just notice how much more sensation you feel with being slow so a lot of times and what we see in media everything is going very fast so a lot of males think to have more of an impact on their female partner it's like being very fast and you know very very very fast so tantra is about like having slower sex and having just going in slower your partner will be able to feel so much more sensation when you're able to also because you've you know you've gotten yourself used to being able to respond to slower sensations as well but whenever you're able to be slower with them they're going to experience and feel so much more and that's where like the size really doesn't matter. It's the sensations and the, you know, the exquisite pleasure that you're able to feel

in your body. And, and the more you know about all those pleasure and how you feel in your body, the more you're able to understand someone else's body and even, you know, have the conversation and talk with them about how does this feel good for you and pleasure map with your partner. There are so many things that we don't explore because we're not taught and it's no shame to anyone. Of course, we're going to look at porn. All of us have looked at porn to figure things out. I mean, you know, you know, people that want to say they would never look at porn have still looked at porn to figure things out because no one ever has the right conversation with us to let us know. Right. So it's great. We're having conversations like this. And, and I actually had

someone in London by myself of ebook because she wanted to give it to her teenage daughter who was exploring her, you know, exploring things and self-pleasure and things like that. And she wanted to give her the books to start educating her and I was so honored that she did that I said well let me let you know tell you there's certain things on self-pleasure I talk about in my book just before you get it for her she's like no I I know and I followed you and and she's curious about these things and I want her to get the right information I was just like oh my gosh I was so honored you know and then she says oh my daughter looked at your book and loves all the images you should have it printed up and I was just like oh so it just really made me so

happy because I'm also a nurse. I've been a nurse for 30 years and I just, the human bodies are fascinating. And if we could just learn more about how great they are and, and all that we can experience instead of finding fault and just having a lot of things based on, because, you know, if we don't find fault in our bodies, where are we? Why, why would we be consumers? Why would we buy everything else exactly it doesn't sell yes when you're satisfied with yourself you make a very bad consumer because all of a sudden you're like so content you just realize i have this whole universe inside me to explore all these things like what do i even need those other things for right well exactly when you're and you're talking about an inner world experience we talked about

this earlier right like you can't you can't um an external world experience you can't have external solutions for an inner world problem. Like you need to work, right? Like you need to work on your inner self. And when you tap into that, like you're saying Davida, then you don't need, none of that is necessary because all that you need is within you. Right. But our, and I mean, we have so many buried treasures and gifts and gold within ourselves, but we're so busy looking outside of ourselves that we just completely miss it. And it's just having that inner standing, like knowing who you are you know so you can really touch into who you are and sometimes we're afraid to look in so we can become workaholics I've done that same here we can

busy ourselves and we can just like we have all the trappings of success and we're accomplishing all these things and even we're helping you know being a nurse oh I'm helping care for other people and I'm saving lives but what am I doing for my life you know what how am I paying attention to myself where are my boundaries how am I loving myself what is my self-care what is what are the things I do for myself in a day to take care of myself right because our body is our you know a Jim Rohn quote our body is the only place we have to live and we have to take care of our bodies you know we get so busy on like what house do we have you know what what is our home like what car are we driving and we put so much importance on those things and showing those things off or

feeling that that's so significant and then we get become such workaholics we neglect our bodies and our own health in the process right and our bodies will only tolerate that for so long and then it's going to speak up and say hey you need to pay attention to me right right well it's like the gauramate book you know when the body says no it's a good book by the way if anyone wants to read it or the body keeps the score. That's the other one. That's what I was thinking. I was thinking of that one as well. Vessel Kulk, Vessel Kulk, Vander Vessel Kulk, I think. Sorry if I'm butchering the name. Hey, you're doing a better job with that name than I was. I applaud you for attempting it. I try. It's on my shelf. It's on my shelf. Yes, I have that book too.

But you're totally right. I mean, eventually it's like you're going to have a screeching halt and then you're looking for the cause. And at that point, it's a culmination of events that created the perfect storm. So chasing the cause at that point, I don't think is really beneficial. I think at this point, it's like, well, what can I do now? Instead of focusing on what I can't do and how shitty things are, well, let me focus on what I can do. And that's hard to do. I mean, I'm speaking from my own side that that's really hard to do. Yeah, it is scary, but you can either sink or swim right i mean there's a pain of change and there's a pain of staying the same and i will say you know being a nurse for so many years in western medicine

there's a lot of ways that western medicine has failed us truth yeah and so we go and we look to doctors and we want them to figure things out for us we it's up to us to heal our bodies it's up to us to find the right people through researching stuff and find people that can help us and that who are thinking outside of the box and doing things in a different way, like what you're doing, Dr. Susie, you know, and it's offering people different options and different ways of healing their bodies. Because when you go to traditional medicine or a doctor's appointment, they're not going to talk about these things. Like I have some, I have clients that have had erectile dysfunction and it helped them when they stopped consuming porn as much. And porn can be great as

a tool, but whenever you're not having the awareness of how it's impacting your body, just having that self-awareness and knowing how is this impacting my body? How is this impacting my intimacy? And the doctors never even thought that, you know, would have suggested, oh, are you watching porn or is this something, and they're trying to prescribe medications that have other side effects or, you know, saying, oh, you need to have this surgery. So you really just need to look like your nutrition. There's so many things that impact our bodies. Exercise, sleep, and even relationships. Sometimes I feel like guys think like my penis should work whenever. Well, I think hopefully after this conversation, you've,

you know, and a lot of my other podcasts, you, you kind of get the hint, like, well, it's your other head to the brain, the biggest sex organ that really matters. And, and yes, there will be, you know, sexual discrepancies and it's not a straight line continuum. You know, circumstances change. You're constantly evolving as a human being. Your experiences are shaping the next experiences and the next experiences. And how do we handle, how do we handle it when we do have a struggle or when we are having, you know, performance anxiety or, you know, not standing to attention when we want to, you know, what do we do in those moments? Right. And yeah, you, I mean, Davida,

if you have any comments on that, I think that's, yeah. I actually have, there's a really great company and in London that has an amazing toy for males. It's the first sky braider. Have you heard of them? The octopus, the octopus, the hot octopus. Yes. Yeah. Have you had any? I have it in my office. now that's a great toy and and manta have you heard of manta fun factory from germany no i have got you've got to share that oh my gosh all right hold on a second i need to bring

out the toy box give me a second y'all yes i was saying the hot octopus is initially a toy to help with people that are paraplegic are not able to have orgasms yeah and so that then that's what she has in the hand, her hand. And so that will, I'll let you explain it. You have it there. So you go right ahead. Well, it's got this little pulsating sensor here in the middle. So you would, you know, insert the penis into here and you can also do is it as a stroking tool. So at the same time, you've got different pulsations, different frequencies and intensities that you can control on the, on the, on the side here. And then you can also just kind of stroke the penis. So you have different, again, vibrations. You're working with the sensory nerves in different ways,

right um so yeah guy brader that's that's this little um gadget and you also have the manta and on the guy brader there's actually on if you get the one that's a duo one side actually has vibrating sensation for the female on this side on the undersurface yes and so even the good thing about that toy is you can even begin to use it with a soft on so you can actually be using it with a soft on and it can have the vibrating pleasure for your female partner. And then it takes that pressure off of you about, Oh, am I standing at full attention? Or, Oh, like if, if you know, it's doesn't last as long as I'm hoping for it to, then your partner is able to continue to feel pleasure with you as you know, by having, by using the toy with you. So it's

really such a great toy. I love it. It's fun. Yeah. This is the solo, but yeah, the duo, they do have the duo and i think that's fun and again it's like you know having the courage to explore with curiosity to to feel to be able to experience different sensations as a sensory organism a sensory being without the expectation to perform i think is spot on just like it's wonderful because that's one thing females we don't have to worry about that performance like i could be 90 i could be 90 years old and just squirt some lube and i could i could fake it till i make it you know what i'm saying like i don't have that pressure so I really I just applaud men and I have such compassion for them yeah because that is just

something that I I don't have to worry about and I can I can only imagine how you would overthink that and how that could really kind of literally trip you up so one time one time one's bitten twice shy as they say right um but this is another toy I'd like to shine a spotlight this is the manta uh and again it's handheld uh different vibrations intense intensities um you can actually again you'll put the penis in the middle and then it's just a stroking vibrator so it's a tool and again you it the whole thing um vibrates and it has a very powerful motor so you can adjust the settings six up for six down and then also play with this with your partner so awesome yeah I just think there's just so many toys out there and again, there's no one toy for everyone. I think

trying out these things and seeing what, what your preference is. Like you have sensors that have your own preferences. And the best example is, have you ever gone shopping for a mattress with somebody or some piece of furniture, like a couch? You're not, you guys are like not on the same, you know, you might like it firmer. The other person might like it softer. Like you have your own sensors and they have their own preferences and we just need to be okay with that and, you know, explore. No judgment, just explore and see what feels good for you. Right. Exactly. Oh my gosh. This is so fun. I didn't know I was going to do show and tell today, but I'm always excited to bust out some toys. You know what I mean? That's great. Well, Davida, this has been such

a wonderful conversation. I'm so glad that we are having these conversations so that other people can start to expand their lives and make life bigger versus just like you said, just, well, it's all about the generals and that's it because you're right it just doesn't the buck doesn't stop there so we're full body beings and so we should just you know bring all aspects of ourselves fully present and you can tell when your partner is on like sometimes a partner can feel almost like they're just masturbating in your body because they're so disconnected because and sometimes it could be that they're really worrying or they're thinking about their performance or whatever but they're not fully present there with you so having the presence and being fully there

and not putting so much pressure on just one body part and like you have a lot of amazing things you can do a lot of amazing things with your hands yes with your tongue with kisses like there's a lot to enjoy and explore with a partner so like take the pressure off and just enjoy yourself and and you know and just know how amazing that you are and don't fall for what society says you have to be and put all this BS on you that, you know, you don't cry, do this. You have to be so responsible. You can never be afraid. Like, you know, we need to stop putting that expectation on, on the males in our lives and let them just be humans and have a human experience. Exactly. I love it. Oh, what a great way to end, end on a wonderful note. So Davida,

how can our listeners reach out to you, connect with you, follow you? Oh, wonderful. I'd love that. So my website is YesTantra.com. And if they have Instagram or Facebook, I have pages that is just at Yes Tantra. I tend to do more of my posts on Instagram. And then I have a YouTube as well. That's Yes Tantra where I share videos there as well. Oh, that's awesome. Well, thank you so much again for taking the time to be on the show and for having this conversation with me. And to all our listeners out there and viewers, thank you so much for being here. And as always, in loving wellness for your pelvis, this is Dr. Suzy G signing off until next time. Thanks for listening to today's episode. Be sure to head on over to drsusig.com where you can get more information, show notes, and related articles on today's topic. Also, if you like what you're hearing, head on over to iTunes, subscribe to the podcast, and leave us a rating and review. We'd love to hear your feedback. Thanks again.