In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - What to do when you're diagnosed with an STD like herpes #herpes #STD

Starting point is 00:00:00 you're listening to the in your pants podcast i'm your host dr suzy gronski your penis friendly pelvic health physical therapist sex counselor and educator helping you get in the know down below Hey friends, Dr. Suzy G here, and welcome to another In Your Pants podcast. On today's show, we're talking about the herp. Yep, you heard that right. We're talking about herpes. Now, I know there's a lot of stigma around herpes, and for some people, fear brings up a lot of feelings of shame and embarrassment and fear and worry and anxiety.

Starting point is 00:00:55 And those feelings are all very natural and normal to have, especially when there is such a huge gap in our sexual health education within our community. So to help me de-stigmatize this topic of herpes and to put hope back on the table, I have Alexandra Harbushka. Alexandra's life was turned upside down when her doctor told her she had herpes and even though she was scared shitless and had nowhere to turn she turned her situation into a meaningful experience that she could share with the rest of the world in fact she created a whole community and she's the founder of living life with herpes so that she can inspire others to connect with their sexual selves, with their emotional selves, with other people without feeling the shame and embarrassment and the stigma. So in our conversation, Alexandra brings up some

Starting point is 00:02:04 very important topics around, you know, how do you find community when you're diagnosed with an STI? How do you communicate with a potential partner about your sexual health and how do you inquire about your partner's sexual health and what are some ways that you can heal with your experience so that you feel empowered rather than victimized. So Alexandra shares with courage and bravery her story with us and her lived experience with herpes. So without further ado, I hope you enjoy the show. Hi, Alexandra.

Starting point is 00:02:43 Thank you so much for being on the show today. Thanks, Dr. Susie. I'm so excited to be here. I've been looking forward to it. It's been on our calendars for a while, so I'm excited it's finally here. Absolutely. So we're going to dive right in to hear more about your story and why you want to share with the world that you have herpes.

Starting point is 00:03:04 it's often a stigmatized topic. No one actually wants to talk about it or know about it. And so you're taking a very revolutionary approach to de-stigmatizing herpes. So we'd love to hear why you want to share your story. Absolutely. Because it didn't start out that way, obviously. I mean, as you're saying, it's extremely stigmatizing. It's something that you typically keep to yourself and your partner or partners or just intimate friend group, family. and of course that's how it started off is like there's no way I'm going to tell anybody I have herpes absolutely not like that's that's just weird and wrong and that would be terrifying um but I was asked to speak at a podcast conference in 2017 and the podcast the topic

Starting point is 00:03:53 that I was assigned was more on self-worth self-reflect um self-love and so I had to you know, obviously tell a vulnerable story. And so I was going to tell a story about being in debt at 25. And my now husband, then boyfriend was like, Alexander, everyone gets in debt at 25. Like, that's not that big of a, like, it's a big deal, but it's not that big of a deal. And he's like, you should tell your story about having herpes. And I was like, absolutely not. There's no way I'm going to tell people like that, you know, all those things like there's just, it's not going to happen. But, um, I did, and I was at this conference and I got on stage and I told the audience and what ended up happening is a couple of things happened. Uh, either people came up to

Starting point is 00:04:44 me later and said, Oh my gosh, I have it too. I have it as well. I've never told anybody, or I've only told my best friend or I've only told, you know, my partner or whatever, or you had people coming up to me saying, I don't have herpes, but I have my story. I have my own issue with some sort of trauma or taboo topic or something that you just don't share. You just don't share those things. And so that really has helped. So I thought to myself, okay, no one's talking about this. I was devastated. I was crushed. And if anybody listening has a herpes diagnosis or an STI diagnosis, you understand that you believe that your life is over. You truly believe that you are lower than the scum on a port-a-potty. I mean, that's like, literally, like you are like,

Starting point is 00:05:32 I do not deserve happiness. I, I have sinned. I now, this is, this is my, my, where I've been dealt. And so that's not at all the truth, you know? And so it's, it's learning to deal with it. So that was really important to get that message out so that people didn't feel ostracized or, or settle in life. Right, right. And I can only imagine even, you know, there's statistics about how common herpes is. I mean, very common. They say something of upwards of 90% of the population has some form of herpes.

Starting point is 00:06:06 And even though you're, you know, that statistic and it's out there, it still doesn't lessen the, the, the, the embarrassment or the shame that might come along with that, um, diagnosis. And it's really, first of all, we're not even talking about sex with our partners. You know, it's easier just to do, just to do sex and not talk about it. Yeah. Have sex. Cause we're supposed to, and not even talk about having, yeah, you're right. You're right. And that's kind of a beautiful thing is if you can talk about herpes with a partner then it it actually allows for a lot of partners to go in depth with the sexual conversations you know like you said we don't talk about sex we don't talk about sexual health um and yeah it's important right so speaking of

Starting point is 00:06:59 talking about it and support how does someone who feels like they have this you know stigmatized condition or other other you know their own story um around such sensitive topics begin to find their own community how did that work out for you I didn't have one so it didn't work out um one of the things that I yeah one of the things that I really realized so I like to call it the Eeyore phase and we all know who Eeyore is and Winnie the Pooh and he's you know the donkey that has the rain cloud over him and he just ho-hums along and you know life is this and it's hard whatever and that I was in my EOR phase for two years post my diagnosis I um was gray like I just didn't have the twinkle in my eye I didn't have uh I nobody I nobody had herpes around me um if they did you

Starting point is 00:07:57 know I had a friend here or there that had it but it just wasn't talked about like we said we just don't talk about it. And so in those two years, I stayed with the guy I got herpes from because I believed that I wasn't worthy of anybody else. And I decided, okay, that's, that's just not right. I was turning 30 and I'm like, this isn't right. I don't want to be with this guy anymore. I'm turning 30. My life's moving on. I need to kind of get my ducks in a row. And I started looking into self-help and self-aware like just what do I need to work on in order to um invite other prospects into my life so opposed to saying well the issue is I have herpes or the issue is this guy or this she's that guy what do I need to work on so what I've learned from that and I learned

Starting point is 00:08:48 that okay um it's really important when we go through a diagnosis of whatever it is specifically we're talking about herpes but it could be breast cancer it could be testicular cancer it could be alcohol abuse, anything. When we go through something, we need to understand and educate ourselves on what it is. We have this, everyone has a preconceived notion of what herpes is and what herpes is not. And as soon as you start learning and educating, you realize like, oh, that's actually not true. Or like you said, the statistic is astounding on how many people have herpes. And then the next thing that's really important is to find a community. And again, that didn't exist in 2011. Thank goodness. Like right now we're on zoom that didn't exist. It

Starting point is 00:09:30 would have been go to meeting and it would have been this really long password that would have been really awkward to try and log in. Podcasts were really not a big thing then. So it's important to find a community that really accentuates who you are as a person and then who also who the people what the people are going through and so where did you find your community Alexandra like how did so it's it's yeah yeah and so even without that you know community and doing it sounds like you did a lot of just inner your own inner work and self-reflection and education and coming to coming to terms with you know hey this is you know part of my life and this is my experience and how can i move forward with that experience in you know the healthiest and the most compassionate

Starting point is 00:10:23 way for myself really um right not carry it on my back not be uh like jailed to it not feel like i have to drag this this heavy load of shame because it's it's it's it is extremely shameful when you're diagnosed with this because it's typically a behavioral, like you had sex, which is shameful or taboo. And therefore this is what happened to you. You weren't acting appropriate. You weren't acting like a lady, or you weren't doing these things that were appropriate. And therefore this is what happened to you. Or you, you, well, you know, the type of person you were dating. And so obviously you got it from that person. Cause like clearly, you know, all these things that we think about the people that have herpes oh you're promiscuous or whatever um really isn't the case

Starting point is 00:11:12 and with with the statistics being so so so high when you are diagnosed I mean I talked to I talked to people that were like I was a virgin bride how did this happen you know and it's like well this is how it happened um so um yeah finding finding that support to get you through and realize like this is this is actually extremely common and we don't need to hold ourselves back yeah and it sounds like you're starting that support and that community for people to open up more and have these conversations and be human with each other realizing that you know no one is alone right and in these particular experiences and circumstances and we all have our our fears and our worries and our doubts and our shames and our embarrassments and it's it's just saying let's

Starting point is 00:12:05 let's be open and talk about that because in that process, it can be very therapeutic. And then you're connecting with like-minded individuals and people who accept, who, who accept and love you for who you are and all that you have to offer and judge you. Right. And, and a lot like kind of something you just said is a lot of times people will say when they're first diagnosed with herpes or when I first am communicating with people in my community is, well, I'll, I'll, you know, hopefully this person will accept me for my herpes diagnosis. And I'm like, no, you don't want someone that accepts you. You want someone that is absolutely wildly, madly crazy in love with you and can care less that you have herpes. Like, it's not like, oh,

Starting point is 00:12:49 I hope someone will eventually accept me with it. No, that's still a victim mindset. And that's still a submissive mindset. And that's still, if I did something wrong, I got hot caught with my hand in the cookie jar and you need to accept me for that. And it's like, no, no, no, no. The, any person that we're going to come in contact with in new, new, new prospect, like I'm talking dating wise, um, that person has already been exposed to herpes at some point in his or her life. Um, whether it was aunt, aunt Ina who kissed them as a child or whether it was a previous sexual relationship. Um, so they've already come in contact with it and most likely have it um so we we can't come at this as like oh i'm so i'm so bad will you accept me

Starting point is 00:13:33 yeah yeah yeah well said well said so speaking of dating because you mentioned dating what does dating what did dating look like for you and what advice can you give to folks who are dating who have herpes and how how can they bring up this very sensitive conversation to their partner before before engaging in sexual activity or otherwise love this question because typically most of us would say that our our sexual health conversation before sleeping with someone is hey you're good right yeah i'm good or there's no conversation or it's like well we'll just use well let's not talk about it we'll just use a condom and we're good right like we're all good okay. Or I would know if somebody had herpes or like, trust me, I don't sleep. I don't mess with

Starting point is 00:14:27 people that are like that. So it's totally fine. There's nobody I'd be interested in that would be like that. These are all the conversations that we have. Um, either we, I personally had or in my mind or have heard from other people. Um, so for me personally dating, I was on this dating moratorium for those two years. I mean, I was still with that guy, but I wasn't, um, happy and I decided at turning 30 I was going to say yes to anybody that asked me out like just say yes because I believe that you know there's there's Newton's third law for every action there's an opposite and equal reaction period the end so if my goal was to meet somebody and be in a loving caring relationship then I needed to go out and by saying no I would keep getting

Starting point is 00:15:15 knows. So I decided to go out and I went out, I would ask some guys out, other guys would ask me out. And I think what, what goes into our minds or our brains when we hear dating herpes is how am I going to have sex? And I think what we forget is dating doesn't mean sex. Dating means I'm going to go spend an hour with you and have coffee. Dating means I'm going to go for a walk with you on the beach. Dating means I'm going to meet you for dinner. Dating means, and then we get into the, obviously we want to have sex. Like that's a natural part of where we're going with this. But we hear this, oh my gosh, I have herpes. I'm never going to date again. I'm never going to have sex again. And that's absolutely false. So back to me personally, I dated, I had fun. I went

Starting point is 00:16:04 out with everybody. I mean, it doesn't mean I slept with them. Sometimes my disclosures would get like, I would be like, okay, I'm going to tell this guy I have herpes. I don't want to tell him I don't like him. It's all the time I have herpes. And then like, he won't call me again. And I'd be like, he called again. He didn't care. Like I would get like caught. So, so we have to remember that herpes is not a like, like death sentence when it comes to dating life. There's a lot of people that are like, Oh, okay, cool. Whatever. Yes. Did I get rejected? Yeah, I did. Did it hurt? yeah in the time but um the the guys that really mattered um that I you know had a full-on relationship with it wasn't an issue yeah so what helped you kind of if there's a way of saying

Starting point is 00:16:51 how do you introduce that conversation I guess for you what some practical ways that someone can broach this topic with another person you know what what worked for you and when what might you share with our listeners and viewers. Yeah. What I think is super important. And I think a herpes diagnosis really teaches you, um, is awareness of setting your own boundaries. Cause like I was mentioning earlier, we come up to this, like, well, I have herpes, please accept me. And a lot of times people will say, uh, well, like in a, in a dating situation. So for example, use me as an example. I have herpes. I want to date, put a name in a guy's name, Jack and Jack could say, well, I don't need to get tested because I don't have herpes. You do. Right.

Starting point is 00:17:40 That's, that's not the point here. The point is we need to set our own boundaries of what is, what is acceptable and what's not acceptable in our own world. So is it, Hey, I want whoever I'm dating to get tested. And that is a boundary I'm going to set up prior to even going on a date. This is my expectation. This is my boundary for my own sexual health. Yes, I know I have herpes, but you never know. I could have something else and not even be aware of it because a lot of other STIs don't show symptoms or the symptoms are different for men and women.

Starting point is 00:18:11 So number one, setting up that expectation for you. And that also needs to include in your mind, are we exclusively dating? Are we not exclusively dating? Are we just having sex yet? I'm dating three other guys and you're dating other girls, but we're the only ones sleeping together. Is it, no, I'm sleeping with you and you and you and you, and these are, so all those, all those different facets of a relationship need to be set up for you first. So that's number one. What, what, and don't, don't be like, well, I really like this person. And my, but I really

Starting point is 00:18:46 like my, my expectation or like my boundaries were, we have to do this, but I really like, no, what you got to go into it. Like, what is it that I, I want for myself? And that's going to look different for everybody. Number two, when you're ready to be intimate, when you're ready to have sex, not the ice cream date that you went and had ice cream, not the date that you went and had coffee. Like when are you ready to have sex with this person is when you enter into that conversation so that could be date one or three months in you just don't necessarily know where that's going to go and it's in my opinion it should open with something like let's talk about our sexual health like obviously our relationship is getting there obviously we're having i like

Starting point is 00:19:31 this you like this i like each other let's talk about our sexual health and just kind of what each other's what we're thinking um and that's when you open with you know it's really important to me that we both go get tested. If that's important to you. Um, I think that should be a really big one. Like I mentioned earlier, we don't know, um, other things can be dormant and, you know, birth control is another big one to be brought up. What are we going to do about birth control and, um, lead with that? I know it doesn't sound sexy. You know, it's not the like Hollywood, what we see of like rushing in and like, Oh my gosh, like, I just want to jump your bones but um nothing in Hollywood is reflective of real life right I have to say that I feel like

Starting point is 00:20:16 it's entertainment yes but completely misconstrues reality right exactly exactly yeah those are those are some things that I just I think that a lot of times we didn't set those boundaries before or we're like okay like you like me like I have herpes and you're okay with it okay okay. Like, you know, is it, Hey, we're going to, we're going to use a condom or we're not going to use it. What, what, what is it that works for you? And what worked for me is going to be different than works for every other person listening. We all have our own little rule book. Exactly. And what I I'm hearing you get at too, or part of that conversation is around consent. You know, you're, you're, you're consenting. You're also asking for someone's consent to participate in a,

Starting point is 00:21:06 in a mutual experience and a shared experience. And yeah, it's super helpful to know. I mean, we can't just assume and we can't guess, and this goes for all sorts of things, not just, you know, sexual health and, you know, making sure both of you are on the same page. I mean, it was the thing with COVID too, right? Like, how do you go about having that conversation of, you know, do we, you know, do we kiss? Do we not kiss? Did you get, you know, have you had COVID tested? Did you get vaccine? Like all that, those are such difficult conversations to have, right? because first, like you mentioned already, you, you, everyone wants to be liked. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and like, not, you know, we, we don't want to make other people feel

Starting point is 00:21:44 uncomfortable. We don't want to make ourselves feel uncomfortable. And so often that discomfort, you know, causes us to just like avoid, you know, and you, you started off your conversation saying like, it doesn't mean you, the world ends and that you stop and you can't date. And I like that you said that because it was, it was like, well, no, this is a, this is an experience I'm having. This is my story. How do I share that story with someone else and talk about these things rather than shut away or shy away from having these conversations? And it's such a layered conversation. It's complex because you mentioned it already. It's, you know, what are what have our sexual experiences been like our what are our beliefs around sex? what are the sexual messaging that we have been you know told or not told right sex health education is awful there's no there's a huge lack and a gap of medically accurate sexual health education and and if it is it's usually about abstinence so right you know it there's so many layers

Starting point is 00:22:47 this conversation around like why people aren't feeling so comfortable about just talking about their sexual health with another person we're talking about sex in general because it has been so taboo and stigmatized and all sorts of things. And like you're saying, like I was about abstinence and we think that, okay, if we're abstinent and then when we're married, it's okay. And there's still things that can pop up sexually. Like what we don't realize is oral herpes can be sexually transmitted by doing things with our mouth. Right. And so you could say, okay, we're both abstinent. We're not going to have sex. We're, we're getting married as virgins. And you all of a sudden get this thing down there and you're like what what happened and we were not taught

Starting point is 00:23:31 that oh actually when you have a cold sore that actually is herpes and that actually can be transmitted to your partner and so all all these things that that we're talking about um you mentioned too about about consent and there's three things that i really really um advocate for and are really strong and strong on is number one for, for disclosing. If you're, you both need to be over the age of 18. Like if, you know, we got to make sure we're over that, you know, we're not, you're not 19. And with a 17 year old, you know, you got to make sure, cause that, that could be a bigger issue potentially. So both over the age of 18, you both are competent. You both are able to have a conversation and make decisions um so we want to make sure that the competency is there

Starting point is 00:24:21 and then third and finally don't don't be wasted like don't don't be coming home from the club 12 shots in and be like well i told you we had that no this needs to be a conversation of weird a real conversation not while you're coming home from the club in the back of an uber like well i have herpes okay cool like of course you're going to be okay with it at that point It needs to be a mutual consent and it needs to be a conversation. Right. Absolutely. Those are three things to remember.

Starting point is 00:24:50 Absolutely. I wanted to circle back to your first C, uh, wait, consent, sorry, age. I'm not sure what you said. Um, can you clarify, is, is that about, are you talking more about like statutory laws in that situation? Or is there more of a conversation around, like, if you're younger than 18, you shouldn't me having sex. It was more, it wasn't about younger and 18 having sex. It was more like if you're a teenager, for example, a high school student, and you know, all of a sudden you get

Starting point is 00:25:23 herpes and your parents are going to be like, how'd this happen? And you're like, well, I'm dating someone that's 22. And then it's going to, it's just, it's a big deal. Right. So, so it could, it could blow up to something even bigger. And so it's just kind of like, Hey, we need to, if you're over the age of 18 you should be careful with that is more of what I'm talking about thanks for clarifying yeah we don't just or or it should be deeper conversations you know I mean right right and going back to Hawaii sexual health education from the very beginning in our community in our schools is so important so that you know our young adults and folks who are curious of curious age and exploring can make wise decisions for themselves

Starting point is 00:26:13 and know kind of you know what to start to establish their own consent and boundaries and again that's something consent doesn't even have to be sexually but it's really just about any type of touch any type of engagement of what does it mean to to give permission or or have consent so i think that's such an important piece right absolutely absolutely consent yeah awesome so uh before before we wrap up i wanted to ask you about you know what advice you can give to to folks who are who may be in this situation right and who are really worried about their future how can they start to heal you know from the you know heal with this experience and and move forward? What, what advice can you give to them? So one of the most important things that I think

Starting point is 00:27:07 that we can do when we are first diagnosed is educate ourself on herpes. We don't know, we all have this preconceived. I mentioned this earlier in the podcast and we think it's this or that, or I have people asking me all that. Can I have kids? You know, well, I always have to use a condom every time I have sex. Like, will it be normal? All these things. And it's really important to educate yourself. What you'll find is it is a virus that the majority of the population has that comes out when you're stressed or your immune system is low period the end that's what you'll find out um there's obviously more things that we can do research on and then the the next thing that i think is really crucial is is again find a community um and if if you're doing this

Starting point is 00:27:51 alone as a lone soldier like i did for so many years um it it it just it's it's a difficult battle I've talked to so many people that before I was talking about herpes I started talking about it in 2017 and I talked to so many people that said like hey I didn't have kids because I didn't think I could get married and then I got married later and then it was too late or I've talked to parents who said I never got in the swimming pool with my kids because I thought I could trans excuse me I thought I could transmit it in the in the pool I've talked to people that have said, I never, you know, really engaged in, in oral sex, or I never did, you know, because I thought I couldn't, or I never did all these things. And, you know, just to hear like,

Starting point is 00:28:37 oh, I never took a bath with my kid, because I thought I could transmit it or all these things that are just are so sad. This one girl dropped out of college, because she thought that she couldn't go to college, like all these things are just so sad. So my point is, find a community because i don't want you dropping out of college i do if you want to be a parent i want you to be a parent if you want to do marco polo in the pool i want to do marco polo in the pool like i want all these things for you and you can learn that it's all possible it's it's it's the stigma that it has has its has itself over you it's what's controlling you so as soon as you can break away from that and understand what it is um you'll be on your journey yeah so if if if someone wanted

Starting point is 00:29:22 to learn more about, you know, herpes and get accurate medical information. What are your go to resources for folks? Can you share a couple of those with us? So I like to go. So I have a lot of information on my website. If we're talking medical information, I would go to CDC and I would go to Planned Parenthood. I think those two locations have a lot. They have the medical breakdown of what it is when you go more to lifestyle and how do I live with it and what does it mean? Um, you know, there's a lot on social media now, obviously I have a lot of information out there, but if you want to go to like, what is herpes, um, I'd go to CDC or I'd go to Planned Parenthood. Yeah. And I, yeah, the CDC does have a pretty nice basic fact sheet about

Starting point is 00:30:10 it, um, in different languages as well. So that's, that's nice. Cool. All right. Awesome. Well, speaking of where people can find you, uh, please share your contact information if folks wanted to connect with you. Yeah. Uh, you can find me life with herpes. So I'm basically on every platform. So you can find me there and whatever your jam is, whether it's podcasts, YouTube, Tik TOK, whatever, um, you can find me and it's, it's, I'm really proud of, of the community. And I'm really proud of the people in the community because they're really, they're doing a great job yeah that's awesome and thank you for stepping in to create this community and space for folks to connect that's it's it's great especially since you know not

Starting point is 00:30:53 having one during your journey right you you kind of like wait i need i need to create this and so it's really great that you you stepped into that role yeah thank you alexandra well awesome we're definitely gonna make sure to have all of alexandra's links in the show notes and also link the CDC fact sheet for herpes and other resources folks can access. And, um, thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you, Dr. Susie. It's been awesome. I enjoyed it. So thank you. Yeah, of course. And to all of our viewers and listeners out there, this is Dr. Susie G until next time loving wellness for your pelvis. Thanks for listening to today's episode. Be sure to visit my website drsuzyg.com for show notes and related resources on today's topic if you

Starting point is 00:31:45 like what you're hearing head on over to youtube and subscribe to my channel on my youtube channel you'll find content related to sex pelvic health and expert interviews for men if you got a question or a topic that you'd like me to answer on my channel be sure to type it in the comment box below.

In Your Pants with Dr. Susie G - What to do when you're diagnosed with an STD like herpes #herpes #STD

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