Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety - Body Awareness: Your First Step toward Emotional Resilience

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Where do emotions come from? What are emotions? Most of us don’t give this much thought. We live as if we’re at the mercy of our emotions. We live in fear of them. Anxiety and anger and stress. We try to deny them or indulge in them in unhelpful ways.And this often means staying quiet. We’re not willing to be with an emotion long enough to feel its power diminish. Did you know this usually happens in about 90 seconds?Think about a time when you had to speak in public, whether in a meeting, on stage, at a networking event. At first, it felt scary, but as you pushed through, you started to feel better. I work with my clients to help them manage their minds and bodies so they feel less anxious and more confident speaking up and being decisive.Body awareness is the first step toward emotional freedom and resilience and what I want to talk to you about today. I’ll be weaving in some Stoic philosophy, which is an ancient philosophy rooted in love and positive emotion. More than 2,000 years ago, the Stoics practiced therapeia, the foundation of today’s leading evidence-based treatment for anxiety: cognitive behavioral therapy.When people hear the word ‘stoic,’ they often think of someone who swallows their emotions.Stoic philosophy, however, involves cultivating healthy emotions and managing unhealthy ones.Stoics leaders get curious about emotions like anxiety, instead of reacting against them or stuffing them down. This self-awareness sets them free. Are you ready to learn how? Let’s go. https://sarahmikutel.com/Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Where do emotions come from? What are emotions? Most of us don't give this very much thought. We live as if we are at the mercy of our emotions. We live in fear of them, anger, anxiety, stress. We try to deny them or indulge them in unhelpful ways. And this often means staying quiet. We are not willing to be with an emotion for long enough to feel its power diminish. And did you know that this usually happens in about 90 seconds? Think about a time when you had to speak in public. Maybe it was a meeting, on stage, at a network, event. At first, it felt really scary, but as you push through, you started to feel better. I work with my clients to help them manage their minds and their bodies so that they feel less anxious and more confident speaking up and being decisive. And body awareness is the first step toward this emotional freedom and resilience. And that is what I want to talk to you about today. I'll be weaving in some stoic philosophy, which is an ancient philosophy rooted in love and positive emotion. More than 2,000 years ago, the Stoics practice therapy. And this is the foundation of today's leading evidence-based treatment for anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy.

When people hear the word stoic, they often think of somebody who swallows their emotions. But stoic philosophy is about cultivating healthy emotions and managing unhealthy ones. Stoic leaders get curious about emotions like anxiety instead of reacting against them or stuffing them down. And this awareness is what sets them free. Are you ready to learn how? Let's go. Mark Twain supposedly said, I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened, meaning he created a lot of his own suffering because of how he interpreted the events in his life. Mark Twain didn't actually say that, but it was attributed to him like all of the best quotes.

So I've learned that I need to fact check any quotes by Mark Twain, My Andaloo, Winston Churchill, because everything is attributed to them. So I'm fact-checking this quote that Mark Twain supposedly said and see that the concept actually goes back to Seneca and maybe even before then. So Seneca said there is nothing more wretched or foolish than premature fear. What madness it is to anticipate one's troubles. He suffers more than is necessary who suffers before it is necessary. For such a soul will never be at rest. In waiting for the future, it will lose the future.

it will lose the present blessings which it might enjoy. And that's in Seneca's letter 98. Most people think that emotions run their lives. But in her popular TED Talk, Dr. Lisa Feldman-Berrits says that emotions are not what we think they are. They are not hardwired brain reactions that are uncontrollable. Emotions are guesses. Your brain is predicting it's using past experience based on similar situations to try to make meaning. Unquote. So when you are confronted with a situation, your mind and body will try to make sense of it by reading your body's automatic physical response and running through your past

thoughts and feelings. And this happens instantly and automatically to give you an initial understanding of the situation. The Stoics called this initial impression, Fantasia. They believed that your emotions are a result of the value. judgments that you're making about what is happening. And it seems that they were right. As Epictetus said, it's not things that upset us, but our judgments about these things. Let's say somebody calls on you during a meeting and you're not expecting this and you start blushing when all eyes are on you. The external event of somebody calling on you triggered an automatic bodily reaction. Vestoics

considered involuntary physiological responses like blushing to be pre-emotions, which which come before full emotions or passions as the Stoics referred to them. These pre-passions show up in your body as internal physical sensations like butterflies in your stomach or as visible emotional reactions like crying. And these pre-passions are out of our control as opposed to the full-on passions that come on later, the ones that we can learn to manage. So in the conference room with your cheeks burning as your colleagues are staring at you, you might automatically feel panic and embarrassment and think,

stop blushing, stop blushing, stop blushing, and of course this resistance makes you blush harder. A feeling of humiliation might wash over you. And if you make the value judgment that you are actually humiliated, you might spiral into pathos and think, I hate speaking in meetings or people are judging me. And you've been in the situation before. To quote Lisa again from a talk that I heard her give for coaches rising,

Your brain is using past experience to make meaning out of what is happening inside your body in relation to the world. So your brain is attempting to make meaning out of sensations to determine what actions need to be taken next. Scientists today call this interoception, your perception of what's happening inside your body regarding physical sensations like hunger and also emotional sensations like a shiver down your spine. But are you accurately interpreting what these sensations mean? Or do you need to increase your emotional vocabulary? Lisa, who wrote how emotions are made, says that the words we know for emotion are like tools for our brains. The more words you know, the more emotions you can make and perceive in others. So erasing heart doesn't have to be anger.

It can be curiosity. Sweaty palms can be determination rather than anxiety. So if you want to expand your emotional vocab, you can download a free app that Yale has created called the Mood Meter app. We are born with a certain temperament, which we can see in Enneagram archetypes, but then our environment and our experiences start shaping our history, and this starts at birth. Dr. Andrew Huberman, who is a professor of neurobiology at Stanford, says that when babies are hungry, they feel anxious and they feel agitated, they cry, they are responding to what's

on internally. Then external forces like adults come in and respond. And the babies start to look into the outside world and make predictions. They know that crying will relieve anxiety because people respond. And this continues into adulthood. We look to the outside world to make us feel better. In the neuroscience of change course I'm taking, Mandy Blake says that learning happens from the inside out and from the outside in, and it's an interactive process of sensing and taking action in the world. That's a physical thing that we do with our bodies and it involves our whole neurobiology. So earlier I mentioned in teroception, your sense of what's happening viscerally inside your body. Your body also makes sense of the

world through exteroception, which is your way of perceiving the external world through your five senses. So taste, touch, here, smell. L.C. And pro preoception, which is our sense of knowing where our body parts are in space. So for example, people can walk, clap their hands, touch their nose because of this body awareness. This is called pro preoception. So let's say that I'm walking down a really dark sidewalk and I'm by myself. I might feel on guard. My immediate impression is based on my internal sensations, my personal history, my external senses, my sense of where I am, if I think about what's in control in my, in this situation, I might choose to walk in the road instead of the sidewalk because the road

is lighter and I can see more of what's around me. And I assent to this feeling of caution because I should be alert in this situation. But I don't need to panic that I'm in grave danger. Chris Fisher, author of the traditional stoicism blog, says, that how we deal with impressions is entirely up to us. We cannot control the impressions that press upon us. However, we are in complete control of our reactions to those impressions. What we assent to, what we agree with, creates our moral character and determines our psychological well-being. So what is your character? Do you want to be the type of person who feels humiliated and vows to never speak in a meeting again? Or do you want to challenge your

immediate reactions. The Stoics would say that we absolutely need to challenge our impressions because we are often wrong. So in that meeting room, when your heart jumps at being called on, the Stoics would encourage you to calm down and question your thoughts, to get curious, and to consider what is going on in factual language without any drama. Your cheeks are red. So what? Is this really a big deal? Is it in your control or not? Instead of fighting it, Except that this is what's happening right now. Ground yourself in your seat. Slow, deep, belly breaths. In the meditations, Marcus Aurelia says, the mind is the ruler of the soul. It should remain unstirred by agitations of the flesh, gentle and violent ones alike. When they make their way into your thoughts through the sympathetic link between mind and body, don't try to resist the sensation. The sensation is natural.

but don't let the mind start in with judgments, calling it good or bad. I mentioned prepassions before that interoception. So when somebody really takes us off, that immediate flash of anger can be felt in our body, maybe blood rushes to our face or fury starts churning in your stomach and rises up to your chest. Stoic said these involuntary sensations are totally natural, no use in trying to fight them. then reflect, don't react. There's a quote attributed to the Holocaust survivor of Victor Frankel that Stoics today quote all the time. Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.

It's unclear who actually wrote that, but the quote became popular after the author Stephen Covey said it sounded like something Victor Frankel would say. Regardless, this is a very stoic idea and one that helped Frankl survive life in a Nazi concentration camp. We don't have to accept the thoughts that pop into our mind. We don't have to assent to them, as the Stoics would say. We can question our thoughts. We should question them. And that is the space. Something happens and we pause and give ourselves space before responding. Is this true? Is one question that we should. often ask ourselves. If we don't allow some space for our initial impressions, then emotions like anger, revenge, and anxiety can just take off. You might have the impulse to tell off your boss or your

partner or to completely withdraw from them. Instead of repressing or acting out your emotions, get curious about them. Try observing your thoughts neutrally as if you're just listening to words on somebody else's podcast. We're acting like scientists here. observing, experiencing, experimenting. To quote Mandy again from her book, Your Body is Your Brain. As you become more aware of your sensations, you introduce the possibility of choosing your response. Training to increase your embodied self-awareness can help you align with a sense of purpose and meaning, make a bigger contribution, experience more satisfying connections with others, find the courage and composure to face down challenges,

and step into more powerful and authentic leadership. A very stoic idea indeed. Okay, now you know how emotions are made and how to listen to your body to interpret these emotions. This body awareness is the first step to emotional resilience, and this is what's going to help you become a more effective communicator. Would you like to take this work deeper? Visit my website, sarahmicatel.com, book a call,

and let's have a conversation about how you can become more calm and confident in business and also in your personal life. Less anxiety, more influence. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahmicatel.com slash blank no more.