Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety - Communicating Better With the Enneagram

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

To be an effective communicator, you need to learn how other people think and what motivates them. In this episode, you'll learn how to use the Enneagram typology to do just that.Discover the nine core personality types and uncover the layers of motivations and desires that drive our actions and reactions. You'll walk away with a better understanding of yourself and how to engage with the different personalities in your life.Ready to transform your life? Let's chat. sarahmikutel.comDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Hello, hello, and welcome to the show. I am Sarah Micahettel, your communication and mindset coach. And today, we are getting out of our heads and shifting our focus to other people. The first step to becoming a better communicator is to understand that not everyone sees the world the same way that you do. And we are motivated by different things. Most of us are just stumbling around assuming that other people think the same way we do. and miscommunication and hurt feelings are what results. Aaron Tebeck, who is the founder of cognitive behavioral therapy, said that it's like we're all wearing tinted glasses. We think that we are viewing the world in the only way.

Our perspective is the perspective, but when we take the glasses off, we see that there are so many more perspectives. There is a theory that there are nine core personality types with a lot of rich variation, but nine core ways of being in this world. And this typology is called the Enneagram. And whether you choose to believe in it or not, the enneagram really opens our eyes to the fact that people are motivated by very different things. We are all seeing the world in a different way. To give you a very high-level view of the enneagram, this typology blends ancient wisdom and modern psychology. So there are nine

core personality types and each has their own ego-driven motivations. So the Enneagram gets to the root of why you do the things you do. That's what makes it so helpful. It helps you understand yourself, what motivates you, how you operate in the world, how others people see you, your blind spots. Let's talk briefly about each type. Type 1, the improver. Integrity is very important to type 1s. They see what can be improved in the world and they believe that it is their duty to fix it. And I'll, I should let you know up front. The anagram is we're dealing with like a lot of unconscious motivations and drivers until we actually sit down and start like contemplating why we do the things we do. We are just running on autopilot. So ones have high standards, especially for themselves. Their core motivation is to be good and right. One's want to be perfect. According to what they think is perfect. They sort of make up their own rules. And they have a very loud inner critic

driving them. What's right and good for ones varies by person. It could be social justice issues. That's very popular with ones how to be the perfect partner. What's the right way to grow old? How business should be done. Ones show that they care by trying to improve other people. But this can come off as being judgmental, a little critical sometimes. But, but they don't want to hear feedback themselves. For them, receiving feedback is very hard because they are trying so hard to do things the right way. They see the world in black and white and what they believe is right. They want to be in control. Ones can be resentful when they think other people don't care about the world as much as they do, that they're not trying as hard to do the right thing.

But they save their highest anger for themselves. Type two is a lot of. Type two is a lot of. the giver. Tews are empathetic. They go out of their way to help other people. They actually search for ways to help people and often know what you need before you do. For them, relationships and connection are the most important thing. Tews like to take care of others. They aren't usually aware of their own needs. Their core motivation is to be liked. And so they often unconsciously try to make themselves indispensable to you. I don't have any needs. I don't have any needs. I'm going to serve you. They will replay situations in their mind if they feel that something went wrong or somebody might be like upset with them. It really bothers them. Helping others

feels very natural to them and they don't understand why other people do not reciprocate their help. For them, it is such a natural thing. So they don't understand why others aren't wired with the same giving nature, the same like seeking out to give nature. They have a sense that they have to give to get. And they get sad because they're doing all the giving even when nobody has asked. Toes take pride in being helpful and knowing what you need, as I said. So because they think they need to please others to receive love, they are driven by this need to be needed. Again, when it comes to all of our behavioral patterns and personalities, we're usually not conscious of that we're doing this. And twos often can be taken advantage of because they get a

reputation of, oh, this person always steps up. This person is always helping. Like, this is the type of person who would never say no. Type three, the performer often also called the achiever. Threes are confident. They're highly productive. They are the action. takers. They are the type of people who other people look at them and they're like, how are you getting this all done? Everything looks perfect and polished from the outside, but they don't care as much about cutting corners, unlike ones. It's easy for threes to speak off the cuff and they can seem like they know what they're talking about even when they don't. Threes are often efficient workaholics who put off pleasure to get the job done. They don't always see the point of doing

things just for fun. Their core motivation is to be recognized for their achievements. They are generally great at what they do and they want you to perceive them as great at what they do. They're known for being shapeshifters. They become what you want to see and they cater to different situations. This performance is usually not conscious. They are blind to their own preferences due to this performing. They deceive themselves into thinking they want to be what they think you want to see. So it's common for threes to achieve a lot of traditional success in their career. And then years down the line, they're like, whoa, how did I get here?

I didn't even want to be here. But they knew other people would be impressed by all of these achievements, achievements. So they just kept climbing that ladder. And then when they reached midlife, they're like, wait a minute, who am I? Threes want to be seen as successful because they're rewarded for this, especially in U.S. culture. People are prized for being tireless workhorses. And this can burn anyone out if you're not careful.

For three's, failure and disapproval is the worst nightmare. When something goes wrong, they tend to blame themselves because they think they're in control of everything, even though they're not. Threes are very outwardly focused and they get so wrapped up in playing to the persona they think others want to see that they often lose touch with their own feelings. Fores, the individualist. Fours are creative, sensitive, often dramatic. They see the nuance in the world and aren't prone to right or wrong thinking.

They appreciate beauty. They feel things very deeply and often feel very frustrated and negative that their reality doesn't match up with all these ideals they're creating in their head. Fours love feeling and expressing their feelings, and they don't understand why everyone isn't embracing their own authenticity. They're good comforters because they don't run when people get emotional or they don't try to fix everything. They let people sit with their emotions. And that's what they want from other people as well. People who are more on the optimistic side, positive vibes only, I would say that I am in this camp, like Enegram 2s, anygram 7s, anygram 9s, when we see people who are really upset,

the gut instinct is to pull them out of it as soon as possible. And fours are good. Let's just be with us before moving on. Fours want people to see them. as unique. They are very afraid of being ordinary. And they also feel like outsiders and they try to stand out to be accepted, but then that makes them even less accepted. Fours have a deep desire for what's missing in their life. They idealize other people and what they have. And then the fours focus on, okay, what's missing with me and myself? There's a lot of comparison. This is their core motivation to keep up this longing by searching for what is not there. They talk about themselves and what they're feeling a lot because they are trying to understand this themselves and they want you to understand

them. At the same time, they worry that their true self won't be loved. And this intensity can be too much for a lot of people, especially when fours overshare. They're not the small talk people. They want the life story immediately, even if they haven't built trust with you. Fives are observers who are independent and don't like drama. They're kind of the completely opposite of the four. And they need a lot of time to recharge, a lot of alone time to recharge. They see things very objectively. They don't bring emotions into it. They love to deep dive onto specific topics. And they can become a little obsessed with research. The more they learn, the more they realize there's so much more to learn. Productivity can be a problem

when they get so caught up in research, because then they never take any action on this knowledge. The core motivation of fives is to protect their resources. Some of them hoard material goods, so they don't have to rely on other people. But this hoarding of resources is more about hoarding energy. Fives feel like they don't have enough of it and they need to hang on to it. So sometimes they will skip out on experiences because they fear it will be too tiring or because they need to finish their work or their research before they can go out into the real world. They feel a drive to study over hanging out, not because they don't want to hang out necessarily, though they do love their alone time, but because they feel like they need

to get better at whatever it is they're doing before they can move on in life. They don't like talking about themselves or being put on the spot. They like to walk into a situation prepared. They don't like to talk a lot in meetings. They need time to process what they think. Type six, the loyal skeptic. Sixes are humble, loyal, good in a crisis. They look out for other people and they think about what's good for everyone. They love to plan ahead. They are always preparing for what might go wrong. And then they have a backup plan for that. So sixes, they believe the world is unsafe and unpredictable. But they might not realize that they are afraid because they're so busy planning. And that's how they try to create security for themselves and for the people they love. They don't trust right away. They think about worst case scenarios, so they are not caught off guard. What happens if I go on

this road trip and then it pours the whole time and then my tires get stuck in mud and then I'll have to get towed? Sixes see themselves as being realistic. Well, other people can see them as warriors and or nags. But not all sixes are the same. Some sixes are the planners who run from fear. And then there are other sixes who are the opposite, who they confront fear head on. But both of them have the same core motivation and that is to protect themselves from harm. Same core motivation, but different behavior. The counterphobic six challenges authority and can seem aggressive. The phobic six obeys authority once they find people they trust and is a little more withdrawn. But every six can be phobic or counterphobic. It's on a range and it can change. Seven, the Epicure. Sevens are the fun, free spirits of the enneagram. They are the life of the party. They are high energy and have an insatiable curiosity. The core motivation driving them is pleasure and the avoidance of pain. With sevens, the ideas keep flowing and they just want to try everything. They're optimistic, enthusiastic, future thinking, but it's not uncommon for sevens to go through

a period of depression at some point because the world is not matching up to their fun vision. Sevens start out with a bang on projects, but then things fizzle when the excitement wears off. They are visionaries who make great entrepreneurs, but they need somebody else to run the day-to-day operations because they have already moved on to the next thing. And this can prevent them from fully experiencing where they are now because they're always thinking what. is next. They are not in the present. They don't like commitment or feeling boxed in. Freedom is very important to sevens. They don't like restrictions. They love to talk and tell stories, which can kind of be all over the place, but people love hearing them because of the energy that they bring. After the

party, you might not remember anything a seven said, but you will remember how they made you feel. Connection to others is important to them. Type eight, the challenger. Eights are decisive and natural leaders go big or go home. They are focused. They're highly productive and they can create order out of chaos. They think this world is a rough place and they're afraid of being vulnerable in it because they don't want to be taken advantage of. Their core motivation is protecting themselves from being vulnerable. Fight or flight. Are you with me or are you against me? They think in black and white like the one and like type three, eight like it when you get to the point. But the three's core motivation is to be recognized for their achievements, not to protect their

vulnerability. When you talk to them, cut to the chase. They are direct. They want you to tell it like it is. They don't like it when they think people are being wishy-washy. They have a few close friends and that's all they need. So they are really not up. They're not the kinds of people who are up like Monday morning chit-chat with colleagues.

But when it's tell it like it is, they're not necessarily passing judgment or trying to criticize. They're just calling it like they see it and they don't understand why other people can't speak more plainly. They really respect strong leaders and they're suspicious of anyone they think is too nice. If they fight with you, they can get really worked up and intense in the moment, but then they can just easily shake it off and move on like nothing happened. And for them, the fight's over and life is going back to normal. And they don't realize that many other people don't have that ability. Type 9.9. Nines are peaceful, low maintenance that go with the flow types. They are serene, kind, optimistic, open-minded. They

trust people and they have a sense of wonder, a feeling that we are all connected. People like being around nines. They have a calming presence and they make people feel seen and heard. Nines don't hold a grudge. They are great collaborators and mediators. They're useful in a crisis because they are so even killed. They want harmony above all else. They will do anything to avoid a conflict. So nines often have their heads in the clouds, in their inner sanctum. You might think that they're listening to you and agreeing with you, even if they're not. They crave comfort and balance and they don't sweat the small stuff and they don't understand

why other people have such emotional extremes, which makes them really uneasy. Nine's core motivation is to keep the peace, their inner peace and external people. piece and to maintain connection. And this is one reason why they are so go with the flow. They don't want to get other people mad at them. And again, this is an unconscious thing. Nines procrastinate a lot and have a hard time making decisions because they can see all sides of a situation. They overthink. And even when they know what their priorities are, they're easily distracted and start prioritizing the needs of someone else or doing some other non-essential task. No one knows the breakdown of the percentages of each type, but there's a theory that

most people are sixes or nines and fours are quite rare. There are similarities between the types. I mean, there's the idea that you have some of each type in you, but that you lead with a core type. The thing, again, to remember, is that you. is what is the core motivation? So here are a few common mistypes and all you will use type 9 is a baseline since it's one of the most common types. Nines can often be confused for twos due to their positive outlook and friendliness and trouble setting boundaries. But nines don't go looking for ways to be indispensable to people. They will help out if somebody asks. Sometimes people feel twos are a little too intrusive because they rush in too quickly to

problem solve without giving the other person a chance to figure things out on their own. It's really hard for twos to say no because they feel like the world is just going to fall apart if they are not there to help. And nines do not feel this way. They don't feel like it's their job to save the world in that way. Tews are also more likely to try to address conflicts as they come up so they can preserve relationships, whereas nines will avoid the issue. Nines and sixes can look similar because they often seek outside sources to decide which direction to go in rather than trust what they know. But nines are more positive and trusting. They assume that things are going to work out, whereas the six worries a lot. What if and planning for what could possibly go wrong. So like what if, what if? Angst is more on the surface for sixes. Nines often have a low level of anxiety due to their. their sensitivity to anything that could shake their harmony, but many nines are not even aware of this low-level anxiety because they tend not to pay attention to what's happening in

their body. Nines and fives look like too. They both love alone time and tend to procrastinate. They hate the spotlight. But nine's core motivation is to preserve harmony and fives aren't bothered about conflict. They don't care as much about being liked and are more inwardly focused. focused on what they need, while the nine cares very much what others think. Fives have much stricter boundaries. Nines and fours can look similar because many are creative and they live in

their own worlds. But fours are much more focused on what they are thinking and feeling and wanting, and they are very concerned about being authentic and original standing out. And nines are more concerned about the thoughts and feelings of others and how they can fit in. Nines can look like sevens because of their positive outlook and people like being around them, but sevens like fours are more concerned about satisfying their own needs. And sevens are happy to lead the way. Nines have needs too, of course, but they're less likely to pursue them if they think that would rock the boat with other people. Niners are more along for the ride. Also, from a communication standpoint, sevens get really excited during conversation and they often jump in before the other

person is finished speaking, whereas a nine waits their turn to speak. So for me, for half a second, I thought I might be core seven because of, you know, I pursue positive things. I love having new experiences, but their communication style is so opposite of mine. So maybe you can relate. But historically, I've been the type of person who will be talking to somebody. Somebody else will burst into the room and start talking over me. And then I go silent. Or if I feel really comfortable with the person, I'll say, hey, I was saying something. And then the other person will be like, oh, go ahead and finish.

No, forget it. No, go on. No, forget it. You'll never know. This is a classic introvert move, by the way. When we feel talked over, we withdraw. But take off those tinted glasses. not everyone communicates the same way we do. Some people are just more excitable and pouncy,

and it doesn't mean that they want to shut you down. So resist your urge to withdraw. Stay engaged. I was in a conversation with some Enneagram Nines, all introverts, and we had one extroverted enneagram three in this conversation. And us nines were talking about the nervousness that comes with speaking up and how we struggle to add to work conversations when there's just so much noise going on and everybody jumping in. And this was a real eye-opening moment for the three who had just assumed that the people who didn't speak a lot didn't have a lot to say or didn't want to contribute. So this three was talking about how she loved talking in meetings because she really liked having the opportunity to share her ideas. And this was an eye-opener for us nine's.

who we often felt like having to talk in meetings was more of a punishment rather than an opportunity to contribute. So in that conversation, we both learned a lot from each other. The extrovert learned about wanting to be more open and inclusive to quieter voices. And the introverts, we learned that just because somebody talks a lot doesn't mean that they're trying to dominate the conversation. Be careful telling other people how they are, or rather just don't do it. You don't know what's going on in somebody else's head. So ask people what they're thinking instead of assuming. The anagram raises our self-awareness. It increases our compassion for ourselves and also for other people because, again, it helps us realize that not everyone

sees the world the same way we do. Which anagram type resonated with you the most? What do you love about that type. What's keeping you stuck? Is there something you heard today that just rung about like, oh, is that why I am doing that? If you would like to work this out with somebody, you can book a call with me. There's the link in the episode notes. I love helping people identify their blind spots and come up with a plan to transform their lives. So you can go to sarah megatel.com to learn more or click the link in the episode notes. Can't wait to talk to you. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot. I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking

with friends. Download it at sarah micotel.com slash blank no more.