Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety - Pursuit of Happiness: What It Really Means

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

What did the Founding Fathers actually mean when they talked about “the pursuit of happiness” – and how can we apply that wisdom to our lives today? This episode is about what real happiness looks like – not the fireworks version, but the kind that comes from gratitude, good character, and being present for the small moments.***I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun. As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.***Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

If I die tonight, everyone's going to think I'm insane, says my friend. Her lips and teeth died blue. Moments earlier, we were sprawled out picnic style on the grass of her town beach, celebrating the 4th of July. The band played in the background as I ate goldfish crackers, while my friend's seven-year-old son and his friend devoured spoonfuls of very unnaturally bright ice cream. My friend chose cookie monster flavor, which colors her entire mouth bright blue. Then the first crack of lightning lit up the gray sky. We'd stayed put through the thunder, hoping that the storm would pass so that we could stay for the fireworks. But as the lightning continues and the rain begins, we, along with hundreds of others, start folding up the lawn chairs. Save yourselves, boys, my friend says, I'm too old.

Earlier in the day, she dropped off a carload of beach gear, and then we all shuttled in. She now figures it will be fastest to run back. alone through the storm to retrieve the car and come back for us. Her son tears up as he watches her disappear into the rainy chaos. Shirtless in wearing my friend's wide-brimmed beach hat, he looks like a panicked curious George. Hey guys, we have this his friend says, dragging a deflated orange-black raft over to us. Great idea, I say, and I hoist the raft above our heads. It flops down around us like a damp cave and we huddle close together. My friend's son's nerves turn into excitement. He bobs in and out of our rubber tent, shrieking with delight.

And the three of us agree that we are a team. And if we go down, we'll go down together. And my friend's son says in our father prayer for the benefit of us all. As we play around, I think about how innocent these boys are. I feel grateful that they are not experiencing real emergencies, real trauma happening on the other side of the world. And I'm grateful to be here right now with them. Since we're there for the 4th of July, I'm also thinking about that famous line from the Declaration of Independence, that we are endowed with certain unalienable rights, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The founders of the United States didn't mean happiness the way we often think of it now, chasing pleasure, possessions, or constant joy.

They were talking about a more ancient concept of happiness. They were influenced by the Stoics and classical philosophers like Cicero, and they saw happiness not as a feeling, but as a function of your character, developing moral excellence, contributing to the greater good, and striving to be your highest self, and many of them admittedly failed to live up to their ideals, above all, by keeping slaves to maintain their lifestyle. But the vision they offered, that still matters. long-term happiness, flourishing, that doesn't come from indulgence. It comes from living with integrity. And the founders wanted that. They had a vision of creating an ethical society. And this is why I consider myself a patriotic person, not because I think the United States is perfect, but because I believe in its founding principles and I believe in a better future. One way to get there is, and to live that deeper definition of happiness is to practice gratitude.

Research by psychologist Robert Emmons, and he is also the author of Gratitude Works, he found that consistently journaling about why you're thankful can increase feelings of happiness by 25%. You're training your brain to look for the good. You're turning away from why me victim mode and becoming more. mindful. You're bringing mindful awareness to the goodness in your life. The biggest obstacle to feeling grateful, says Emmons, and he is the leading scientific expert on the subject, is entitlement. So to quote Emmons, the entitlement attitude says, life owes me something or people owe me something, or I deserve this. In all its manifestations, a preoccupation with the self can cause us to

forget our benefits and our benefactors, or to feel that we are owed things from others, and therefore have no reason to feel thankful, end quote. The antidote, he says, is humility. And to quote him again, becoming aware of realities greater than ourselves, shields us from the illusion of being self-made. Being here on this planet by right, expecting everything and owing nothing? The humble person says that life is a gift to be

grateful for, not a right to be claimed. End quote. Emines talks about the importance of taking things as granted, as gifts, rather than to take things for granted. And this echoes a line from Marcus Aurelius's meditations. Quote, look at what you have, the things you value most, and think of how much you'd crave them if you didn't have them. In other words, as a remedy to taking things for granted, practice wanting what you already have. So what is a gratitude practice? Where do we start? One of my clients told me he tried gratitude journaling, but gave up. He said, you can only be thankful for sunny days so many times. He had been going through the motions, listing the same common things without truly paying attention. But real gratitude is specific. It's about noticing what and who

brings you joy, growth, connection. In his book Flourish, Martin Seligman tells us to go a step further and to write about what you are grateful for and why it happened. For example, I passed my certification because I studied every day for an hour for one month. So you're not just celebrating the outcome that you passed your certification. You're honoring the virtues that helped get you there. Love of learning, perseverance, zest. Here is a simple gratitude practice that you can try. Every evening, write down one thing that you're grateful for. And if you're stuck, you can use a prompt who, what, where, or when. So you can ask yourself questions like, who did I get to connect with today? What did I experience or learn? Where did I spend my time? Did I visit a favorite place? Did I try something new?

When did I have the most energy? And if you want to take it a step farther, you can add, why did this matter to me? And how can I create more of this? And remember to savor the small moments, petting a stranger's puppy on your morning walk. a client telling you how much your work has helped them, dipping your feet in the ocean on a hot summer evening. Emmons and other gratitude experts talk about how important it is to savor the little things, which add up to a very rich and meaningful life. And this transforms how we experience the world and how other people experience us. Back at the beach, my friend messages us to leave the gear behind, and walk to meet her. We can retrieve it later. I grabbed two cooler bags and tell the boys to grab

something. And then we trudged down the street in the rain like a family of immigrants heading to a new land with only the essentials. Well, that was a bust. One of the boys says, was it really? I ask. Until it started raining, weren't we all having fun? The boys both nod. And we agree that we had a great time. My friend picks us up and we take turns sharing what we're grateful for about this. evening. The rain was my favorite part, her son says. What had started out as the worst part of the night ended up being the best. True, we'd started out with a goal, a pursuit, if you will, of seeing fireworks, but life had other plans and sometimes those plans turn out better. It reminds me of something Marcus wrote in the meditations, and both of today's quotes are from the Gregory

Hayes translation. Quote, What is unique to the good man? To welcome with affection, what is sent by fate? Not to stain or disturb the spirit within him with a mess of false beliefs. Instead, to preserve it faithfully, this life lived with simplicity, humility, cheerfulness. End quote. The pursuit of happiness isn't something we buy or something external that we change. It's something internal that we can practice anywhere, including sheltering beneath the raft as the rain comes down.

Happiness is not a high. It's a habit. It's not just a feeling. It's a way of life. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarah micotel.com slash blank no more.