Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety - When People Interrupt You, Do This

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

Do you fly into a fit of rage when people interrupt you? Maybe not externally, but quietly in your head? This episode is for you, my fellow introvert. Learn why people interrupt and how to respond to interruptions from a place of confidence and strength. Book a consult to discuss your communication and confidence goals.sarahmikutel.com Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

How many times has this scenario played out in your life? You are having a conversation with somebody, and just as you're about to make your brilliant point, somebody else burst into the room and start speaking over you as if you're invisible. Depending on who this is, you might say, Hey, can't you see I'm talking here? Oh, sorry, go on. No, just forget it. No, go on. Let's hear it. No, now you'll never get to hear it. And then you run out of the dining room with vowing to never speak to them again. This conversation is more likely to happen with family, than with a client or your boss or anything business related. But no matter what the scenario is, there is irritation there that, how dare you feeling that reminds me of when red-headed

Anne of Green Gables smashes the slate over Gilbert Blythe's head because he called her carrots. Why do these interruptions upset us so much? There is hurt under that fury, a thought of why don't you see me? In this episode, I will share how to be less emotionally reactive when you're interrupted, so you can speak from a place of confidence that allows your voice to be heard. Are interruptors rude? Our gut reaction might always be yes, but here are some things to consider. Since I first learned about the aneogram and its nine personality types, I felt very secure in my type 9ness. We don't interrupt. We wait patiently for our turn. But I have a lot of type 7 qualities, including my eternal optimism, my love of freedom and adventure. So one day out of curiosity,

I opened a book called The Art of Typing because I wanted to compare Type 7 and 9. What I found revealed something very interesting and useful to me. So here is the passage on Type 7 from the Art of Typing. Quote, sevens rarely feel interrupted by others because they actually enjoy it when somebody else comes in to interject a thought or build on an idea when the 7 is speaking. To 7s, this feels like engaged listening in interaction, not an interruption. That is called overlapping conversation. When sevens listen, they jump in the middle when somebody else is talking because they are excited. Sevens feel most interrupted when another person negates an idea that the seven has shared, end quote.

Reading this was a record scratch moment for me. There are people who like interruptions, who think interruptions improve conversations. Mind-blown. Compare this to what the book says for type nine. Quote, nines do not like anyone coming into. to say something before the nine has completely finished a sentence, a thought, a concept, or a paragraph. Not only do nines perceive this as interrupting, they consider it rude, disrespectful, and diminishing. In addition, these interruptions often cause nines to lose their train of thought

and forget where they are in terms of what they're trying to communicate. Nines also listen without interrupting until the other person has finished, and then we'll add their own comments, end quote. Well, that cleared things up for me 100% type 9. More importantly, this information reminded me to take a step back, remove the tinted glasses, and see that when somebody interrupts me. It doesn't mean they're trying to disrespect me, which is what I was thinking. Of course it's rude to interrupt. It's disrespectful.

It's diminishing, I believed, everything in that type 9 description. But when I can take a step back and put a space in between that stimulus and response, It becomes clear that interruptions are rarely acts of malice. When we're interrupted, it can feel as if our contributions are being disregarded. And this triggers feelings of anger, embarrassment, frustration, especially when we don't always voice our opinions and ideas. It feels like a very big deal when we finally build up the courage to speak. And then when we get interrupted, we think they don't value what I have to say or they think they're more important than me or I'm not going to speak up anymore because when I'm not going to speak up anymore because when I

I do, people talk right over me. But those are thoughts and not facts. As Epictetus says, it's not things that upset us, but what we make them mean. Stoicism encourages us to examine our thoughts and to decide whether they are rational and useful. We can choose to assent our thoughts or not. And by questioning our initial thoughts and considering alternative ones, we can break free from our narrow view, our narrow initial automatic view. When we do this, possibilities open up. and this practice helps us avoid treating our opinions as facts. And it also allows us to grow and experience the world from a much broader perspective. It's a much more rewarding way to live. In a moment, I will be walking you through a thought record that you can do so you don't slam a slate

over somebody's head the next time they interrupt you or don't spend too much time ruminating over that fantasy. First, let's talk more about why people interrupt. We often take interruptions very personally. However, the most common reasons people interrupt have nothing to do with us. Sometimes people interrupt because they have something they want to contribute to the conversation and they are very excited and they want to share. Extroverts especially feel energized by social interactions and have a natural inclination to contribute to conversations and their enthusiasm sometimes and desire to engage can sometimes lead to interruptions. We also have different cultural and social norms. In some cultures,

interrupting might be seen as a sign of participation, and in others it's seen as impolite. There might be a lack of self-awareness going on or a lack of other awareness. Not everybody is listening to Personal Development Podcasts. Some people just aren't that self-aware and they don't see how disruptive their interruptions are. Or they might not be that attuned to other people and the contributions that they're making. Some people have attention difficulties and they might find it harder to wait their turn or feel an impulsive need to make their point right away. Some people prefer to control the conversation. They might be insecure. They might have a domineering personality. Or they might have this tendency and not even realize it. They just might not be

self-aware. So a lot of these different categories can mix in with each other. And then different communications, styles, and habits. There are billions of people on this planet and we all communicate in a different way. And to help us make sense of each other, there are certain communication frameworks we can use or certain personality frameworks that we can use that I find very helpful. Going back to the aniogram, this personality framework says that we tend to engage with the world in three ways called stances. There's the assertive or aggressive stance, the compliant, also known as dependent stance, and the withdrawn stance. People in the assertive stance, that's types three, seven, and eight, they tend to be self-confident and direct. They take charge and they focus on fulfilling their own

desires. They are good at getting other people to back their ideas, whether it's by bringing them along or dragging them along. Challenges for them include impulsive action, difficulty connecting with emotions, control issues, people in the compliance stance, that's types 1, 2, and 6. They tend to seek connection and approval. They focus on rules, relationships, duty, and they're driven by a desire to establish and maintain these connections. They're often helpful and responsible, yet they struggle with over-identifying with other people's needs and with setting boundaries. And sometimes they are the ones crossing the boundaries, getting overly involved in other people's business without being asked. And then we've got the withdrawn stance. So people in the withdrawn stance,

that's types 4, 5, and 9. They tend to be reflective, more reserved, creative. Of course, I'm speaking in generalizations. This is about getting an overall flavor of different ways people are in the world. So withdrawn stance, they tend to focus on their information. world because they need time and space to process their thoughts and feelings. They can come up with amazing ideas, but they need some time to think about it. They value introspection, independence, personal autonomy. Challenges for them include feeling misunderstood, anxiety, and conflict avoidance. And again, you might relate to different aspects of all three, but chances are you fall into one of these three stances and it's helpful to know where you are and helpful to know where people

in your life are. And as you can see, These are three very different ways of being in the world, and this can lead to a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. We have people with assertive personalities who feel comfortable expressing their opinions and taking the lead in conversations. They may perceive those of us who are more introverted as being disinterested, and we introverts might view them as being overly aggressive. This is why we need to take off our tinted glasses and get curious about where people are coming from and what their natural communication tendencies. are. Remember, we can't control how other people act, but we can control how we respond. I already mentioned that it's not things that upset us, but what we make them mean. Another core stoic idea, which I will keep bringing up because it's so important to our

well-being and our understanding of the world. Some things are up to us and other things are not. Stoic philosophy advises that we focus our attention and our efforts on what is within our control, rather than fixating on external circumstances, including other people's opinions and things like interruptions. We can make requests, we can set boundaries, but in the end, what is up to us is our thoughts, our choices, and our own actions. People interrupt. It's a part of life. Practice accepting that these external events are natural. They're not personal. When you allow that reality and you don't let anger consume you, you can respond from a much calmer, more detached place. You will be able to speak in a much more influential way because external disturbances like

interruptions aren't dictating your emotional responses. Now, you might always feel an initial spark of irritation when somebody walks into a room and starts talking over you, but it's what happens next that counts. So let's say somebody does interrupt you. Let's practice maintaining equanimity. a deep breath, label your feeling, it might be fury, you don't have to fight it, just simply allow it without reacting and stay mindful of the facts of the situation. Somebody walked in, started talking, and be mindful of the story that you are attaching. What are some cognitive distortions that might be coming up? Cognitive distortions are distorted thoughts, and this includes overgeneralizations. I always get interrupted and personalizations. They're. They're

don't value me. Challenge these thought errors by considering more balanced thoughts and then respond to the situation in a way that aligns with your wisdom and your values. You may have heard me talk about thought records in the past. Thought records are great exercises to help us recognize our automatic thoughts, helps us challenge these thoughts, and to explore how rational or irrational they might be, and to replace our automatic thoughts with more useful ways of thinking. When you do a thought record, you're writing down the situation or inciting incident, and this is pure fact, no story, you're automatic thought about it, you're feeling about this, and then the action that this leads to. And you can do them in different order too. Maybe you're having a feeling

and then you want to go to the thought. Or maybe you do something and then you work backwards. What feeling or thought led to this action. So here is an example. Let's talk about the inciting incident. You're presenting your ideas in a meeting. And as you're explaining your ideas, and as you're explaining a crucial point, somebody interrupts and starts discussing a different topic. An automatic thought that might pop up, this proves that he doesn't respect me or nobody listens to me, or I hate this guy, or people are bored, or this presentation is not that great. This could lead to a feeling of being embarrassed. What behaviors come out of that feeling? You might start rushing through the presentation to get it over with. Now, you can challenge your thought of this

presentation must not be good with an alternative thought like sometimes people, people interrupt out of habit or excitement not to undermine me. I have a lot of great information to share and I am going to get us back on track. My expertise and value aren't defined by this one interruption. This is so-and-so just being so-and-so. This challenge is an excellent opportunity for me to practice my communication skills. If you lean into those thoughts, you're more likely to be able to acknowledge the interruption and then bring the focus back to your presentation without stressing out too much about it. Throughout the day, you can do thought records in the moment in your mind.

And when you have more time, sit down and work them out on paper. By doing thought records, you'll start to see that your initial thoughts might not be entirely accurate or fair. And this gives you space and time to challenge and reframe automatic thoughts. And a lot of these thoughts are recurring. And then you can find more balanced thoughts that will help you manage your emotions so you can respond to interruptions in a more constructive and confident way. All right, we've covered mindset, which is essential to effective communication. Now let's talk about verbal and nonverbal techniques that we can use to reduce our chances

of getting interrupted and how to get the conversation back on track when we do. First up, vocal volume and energy. Maintain a consistent level of energy when you're talking. This lets people know that you haven't finished. Sometimes we lose steam and our volume decreases towards. the end of our sentence, or this might just be a habit. And this can sound to others like we're finished talking when we get quieter toward the end of our sentences. So practice maintaining your volume levels as you speak. Also, make sure that your statements sound like statements and

not like questions to be answered by someone else. This is another habit that people get into. Their sentences sound like questions. If you have a tendency to do this, you can practice going lower at the end of your statements rather than going higher. You can also practice increasing your volume and adding vocal variety to your speech. Vocal variety is volume, but it also includes other things like the speed at which you're talking, the emotion in your voice. This is all about capturing your audience's attention with a clear and steady voice. This makes you sound more confident and more influential. When I first started podcasting, I was surprised how many people I knew said to me, wow, you have such a great podcasting voice. I never noticed

your voice before. I thought this was so curious. Wow, you never noticed my voice before. And I did used to think, is there something wrong with my voice? Why aren't people listening to me? Why do I always get talked over? I feel like nobody is hearing me. The difference in podcasting is it's a very concentrated environment. You're choosing to listen to me. I feel like, got a captive audience, which is great. But I also wish that I knew back then what I'm telling you right now. It's not that there was something wrong with my voice, but I wasn't using it as effectively as I could. For one thing, I'm naturally soft-spoken, more soft-spoken than a lot of people. This is part nature, but also part habit. It's just how I've always spoken. But if I want

people to hear me, and I mean literally hear me, I need to speak up more. I realize that in conversation when something I said might have fallen flat or I was getting faces like people were a little bit confused. I used to think, I guess they didn't get what I said or was that a stupid thing to say? I realized later they just didn't hear what I said. And sometimes people will say, what did you say? Could you repeat that? But a lot of times people don't say that. People, especially if you're in a group, people just kind of pretend to hear because they don't want to be the only one who didn't hear and then you all sort of move on. Now if I ever get those faces, I just repeat myself and I speak louder.

And then you get the sounds like, oh, okay. Now people actually heard what I have to say. They did not hear me the first time. That's fine. Now I know. Speak up. This is really important. And then match the confidence in your voice with confident body language.

So expansive, upright body posture, shoulders are back. Your arms are not crossed. Make eye contact with people. Use purposeful gestures. If you're in a meeting and somebody chimes in before you're finished speaking, make eye contact with that person. You can raise your hand slightly to indicate that you have more to say or like hang on a minute and keep talking.

You could also say something like, I appreciate your input. I would love to hear more after I finish my point. If you're giving a presentation, you can outline your ideas up front to let people know what's coming and cut out unnecessary information to keep people engaged. What do they need to know right now? You might come off as rambling if you're including every detail in the exact order that it happened. Now, I know Us Nines, we think that we're providing clarity by giving all of this background information, but often people start to tune out.

You can start to see those blank stairs because there's information overload. So get to the point. And give people space to ask questions and to share their own thoughts and stay open to new ideas, rather than considering them attacks on what you just said. As a leader, you want respectful communication to be the norm, whether you are in the office running your own online business at home. When you get agreement with others on communication expectations, you can foster an atmosphere where everyone feels valued and heard.

So let's focus on setting ground rules for open dialogue in the office. Create an environment where employees feel comfortable expressing their opinions without fear of interruptions or judgment. And this includes having discussion. about things like positive intent. To assume positive intent when people offer feedback, when people share an idea, to stay open to the idea that this person is trying to help or trying to get more information and that they're not necessarily trying to criticize or challenge in an unproductive way.

Stay open and don't assume the negative. Set those expectations upfront. If you're running meetings, something you could do is establish a hand-raising system rather than having a free-for-all. And again, discuss the importance of hearing different perspectives and giving everyone a chance to speak. And also, talk about different communication styles and the tendencies of your team so you all have a better understanding of where each other is coming from.

Another thing you could do is assign a facilitator for each meeting. And this person could manage interruptions, redirect the conversation back if needed, and encourage everyone to contribute. And this is a good professional development. opportunity for the facilitator as well. If you have somebody in your group who habitually interrupts, you can take them outside to have a conversation about why. Maybe they are afraid that they'll forget their idea. So you can suggest strategies like writing their ideas down so they don't forget them and then make sure that they have the opportunity to share these ideas. And set the standard

of active listening in patience. Active listening involves being present and taking in what somebody saying, rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak and giving this undivided attention and then asking questions and reflecting back what you heard or adding to what people said, making a contribution, this shows respect, it builds trust and it makes you a more influential communicator. Practice this with your teams and have open discussions on what it means to listen actively. This will lead to much more meaningful conversations and fewer interruptions. To sum all of this up, when it comes to interruptions, you need to manage your mind. It's not personal.

And if you've developed a pattern of thinking that people speak over you or don't listen to you, do some thought records to help you see your situation with more clarity. Also, speak up literally, increase your volume and vocal variety. Hold your body in an expansive upright posture. If somebody rushes into the room and starts talking over you, you can simply acknowledge them, say, hey there, glad to see you. You are just in time to hear me finish my story. Do you still feel an Anne of Green Gables level of a rage when somebody speaks over you? Do you feel invisible? Let's talk. Go to sarahmicatel.com and book a consult. And let's talk about

how you can start enjoying life with less anxiety and more influence, more confidence, and better communication skills. I love working with people one-on-one, and I love working with teams as well. So much of our suffering comes from miscommunication and misunderstanding. And when we can take off the tinted glasses and start understanding the different ways people move through the world, our lives radically transform for the better. And I want that for you. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity,

whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarah micotel.com slash blank no more.