Influential Introvert: Communication Coaching for Professionals with Performance Anxiety - When People Take Advantage: How to Stop Avoiding Awkward Situations

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

When you feel like you're being taken advantage of, do you speak up, or stay quiet and grumble to yourself later? In this episode, I share a personal story about when someone tried taking me to the cleaners -- you'll get the pun after listening -- and how I successfully navigated the situation.Get ready to explore why we feel awkward standing up for ourselves and strategies to manage this anxiety while asserting ourselves more confidently. From retraining our brains to identifying patterns of behavior, I'll explain ways to break out of your comfort zone and start speaking up with more confidence and less anxiety. ******************************************************************************************Are you ready to speak in front of a room, online, and in social situations without becoming a sweaty, blushing mess with a stress headache?Book a consult and let's discuss how we can transform your confidence and communication.https://sarahmikutel.com/Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

What do you do when people try to take advantage of you or you feel that people are trying to take advantage of you? So imagine this little scenario. You're outside at your favorite food truck eatery. You go to pay for some tacos. You're really excited about them. And then the person who's ringing you up charges you a dollar or two or a pound or two, whatever your currency is, more than you are expecting, more than the advertised price. And then a dialogue starts going in your head, hmm, well, The sign says that it's cheaper. Why did this person charge me more? Are they just trying to take advantage of me?

Do they think I'm dumb? Do they think I won't know? Well, it's only a pound or two more anyway. I'm not going to say anything. Then we might physically start looking a little pouty, secretly having a bad attitude. And then often we'll walk away. Mad at them for overcharging us,

but also mad at ourselves for not saying anything. And then we'll say something like, all right, well, this is a life lesson, and next time I'm going to speak up. And then we're a little bit irritated for the rest of, of the day. Did they really try to take advantage of you? Was it a mistake? Today I want to get into what to do when you feel like people are trying to take advantage of you. And I'm going to share a story that happened to me today. Last week, I went to the dry cleaners. It was a little bit out of my way,

but somebody had recommended this place. So I bring in three sweaters to get cleaned. The weather is getting warmer. So I figure, all right, it's time to, you know, clean these up and put them away. So I go to the dry cleaner and I hand the lady at the counter my three jumpers. Jumbers is what they call sweaters in England. And she said, oh, this looks like cashmere. We don't do cashmere here. So she went and called somebody else in town who they send materials there or clothes there if they don't do that particular material. So she comes back and said, oh, that's going to be 13 pounds each.

And I thought that sounded like a lot. But then I was like, well, maybe I just haven't gotten anything dry cleaned in a while. So even though there was a lot, I thought, all right, well, I'm here. Let's just do it. So fine. So she starts writing up the receipt by hand, but then she started to charge me 14 pounds for each jumper. And I said, oh, I thought it was 13. And she said, oh, no, I said 14. I said 14. Then I kind of like a feeling of my gut, like, hmm, I feel like she might be lying to me. But at the same time, I had walked all that way and I kind of just wanted to get it over with. So I said, okay, fine, you know, let's do it. So she gives me my little tag and told me to come back the following week, and I didn't pay her then. So today is the day that I had to pick up my dry cleaning. And just for that give it, I decided to call the other place that she had sent my jumpers to to get cleaned to find out how much they actually charged. And the woman picked up the phone and said, we would charge nine pounds per item for that. So this other dry cleaning place that I went to charged me 15 pounds

over what I was supposed to be charged. So my immediate thought that popped into my head on challenged was I knew they were trying to take advantage of me. So on the way to the dry cleaners, all sorts of scenarios were playing out in my mind and escalated quite quickly. Oh, what might happen? Because I was coming from a place of you are cheaters. You tried to take advantage of me. At the same time, in my head, I was trying to think of a way to avoid conflict and to make them feel good. But then I thought, but why am I trying to make them feel happy and not feel bad for cheating me? Because they cheated me. And so I was imagining, yeah, just escalating in me, just grabbing the sweaters and just walking out and then having

them call the cops. And then I said, okay, you need to calm your mind down and clear this up. what if they weren't trying to take advantage of you? What if they made a mistake? Now, I thought that lady at the laundromat was acting suspicious. But at the same time, I'm open to the idea that there was some kind of misunderstanding. And that is the energy that I wanted to walk in there with. That is going to be more helpful to me, to them, to the outcome that I want, to be open to the idea that there was a misunderstanding. Instead of, you're liars. You cheated me. So I asked myself, what is the outcome that I want? I want to pay nine pounds for each of these jumpers. Or if they charged a fee for sending them out, sure, I would pay a little bit of a fee, but I thought like practically devil was a bit much. But I wasn't going to walk in there accusing them of anything. So I go in and I give my receipt and it said, 42 pounds on it. And I said, oh, would you mind just checking? Somebody wrote down 42 pounds. But I think they actually charged nine pounds per jumper. So this young woman went to,

toward the back of the room and the owner looked at the woman who originally served me and there was a little bit of commotion and it kind of looked like they had been caught in the act or something and the woman who originally served me said oh I thought you said to add that like extra charge and the woman who seemed like the owner of the play said oh no no no no and she came up to the counter and then we had a nice little chat and she charged me nine pounds per item so We ended up having a pleasant shed and I walked out saving myself 15 pounds, or rather not getting overcharged 15 pounds. And this felt like a victory because there was a time when I just would have been like 42 pounds. Maybe I would have made up a story in my head of why they charged me this extra

money or, well, I'll just never go back here again or, you know, giving myself some justifications for not having spoken up. But even though I don't love conflict, I'm willing to accept the discomfort of speaking up. And to challenge initial thoughts that might come up that people are trying to take advantage of you. At one of my previous jobs, we talked a lot about assuming positive intent, especially when it comes to people giving you feedback of some kind or constructive criticism, assume that's coming from a positive place. And we can take that sentiment to all aspects of our lives. And as I said, we don't have to always believe that somebody was acting with amazing intentions. But we can be open to the idea that maybe there's been a miscommunication, maybe there's been some kind of mistake. And that really takes the heat off of things and helps us act and think and feel from a more relaxed and productive space. So if you ever find yourself in a situation like this where you feel like people are taking advantage of you, ask yourself why you might feel uncomfortable speaking up about this. What are the thoughts going through your head? What are you assenting to?

So the Stoics would say, when we give into a thought, we're assenting to it. So what thought are you assenting to? What are you agreeing to? Is this correct? Because when we ascent to something, when we assent to our impression of something, we feel an impulse to act. And we're often not mindful of these inner workings. And so the key to living with more harmony is to pause and dig below the surface before

we start acting or overreacting. For me and a lot of my type 9 clients, often we assume conflict when all the situation really is is a need for simple clarification. Type 9 personalities often feel like conflict is so much bigger than it is, that it's amplified, that there's even conflict at all, but could be just a conversation that other people would just see as a normal conversation. Going back to the taco story that I shared at the beginning. If I'm in the situation, really, all that is called for is for me to say, oh, I thought the sign said nine pounds, 12 pounds, or whatever it is. That's just asking for a clarification. And then they can tell you, oh, I'm sorry about that. You know,

let me ring up the right number. Or they could say, oh, we raised the prices today and I forgot to change the sign. And then you can either agree to the higher price or decide you want to go get pizza instead. But at least you have that information now and you're not taking it personally. You're not making it an issue that they are trying to cheat you. So why do so many of us feel awkward about speaking up when we suspect that somebody might have shortchanged us or tried to cheat us in some way? Well, I already mentioned one, a huge one, fear of conflict. Many people have an inherent aversion to conflict and confronting people about a potential mistake or even intentional deception. the thought of that can lead to a lot of anxiety.

We don't want the confrontation or argument. And this fear of conflict overrides the desire to rectify the situation. There are also social norms and politeness. So society places a strong emphasis on being polite and avoiding confrontation. So speaking up about perceived wrongs, especially in situations involving money, can seem in polite or confrontational. And this pressure often makes people hesitate to raise concerns as they fear. being perceived negatively or causing a scene. Then there's doubt and uncertainty. So in certain situations

where we suspect we may have been shortchanged or cheated, there's often a degree of uncertainty about whether our suspicions are true. And this uncertainty can lead to self-doubt and questioning our own perceptions. And this causes us to hesitate to speak up because we don't want to look dumb in case we're wrong. We don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble that might lead to even more feelings of awkwardness. And then we want to be liked. We want people to avoid having negative judgments about us, even people who are cheating us. So speaking up in situations where we believe we may have been cheated can lead to potential negative judgments from the person responsible, or even bystanders who are witnessing this, people who are standing behind us in line. We don't

want to be labeled overly critical or paranoid or overly concerned about money. So this also contribute to the awkwardness of speaking up. There's also loss aversion. So loss aversion is a cognitive bias and that causes people to feel the pain of losing something more acutely than the pleasure of gaining something. So in the context of what we're talking about here, if we're feeling shortchanged by somebody, we might still be inclined to say nothing because at least that helps us avoid further negative outcomes by speaking up. We can avoid conflict. We can avoid fights. We can avoid looking stupid in front of other people. So these are all anxiety producing thoughts that we are assenting to, but often have no basis in reality. Speaking up when we're feeling shortchanged

or we're feeling like somebody cheated us feels so high stakes when we're so zoomed into the moment and feeling all of this anxiety and feeling all eyes are on us and what are people going to think? And the truth is most of these situations can be resolved because they are misunderstandings, miscommunications. And all we have to do is believe that thought, lean into that thought, be open to the idea that somebody is not acting with ill intent, and be willing to be with uncomfortable emotions. That anxiety spike isn't going to kill you. And in fact, if you just let it be and you don't fight it and you're not struggling in the situation, chances are it's going to diminish in 90 seconds. So all you have to do is be with this emotion, challenge your thoughts,

and have an open conversation on what's really going on. And if somebody is cheating you for real, if they get called out in a nice way, in a curious way, chances are what's going to happen is the same thing that happened to me in the dry cleaners today. It's an immediate like, oh no, that must have been a mistake. Yep, let's clear that all up. Again, often we're assuming there's going to be conflict when in reality, all that's needed is simple clarification. So to summarize these points, when you feel like somebody is taking advantage of you, often there's going to be a visceral sensation in your body. You're more on guard. You have your backup. Use these sensations as a cue to speak up. Often people, especially introverts, when they're in a situation like this,

they start withdrawing. They start closing down, getting secretly pouty in their minds. Instead of shutting down, use those sensations to speak up, but not from a place of I've got my up. Before you speak up, relax your defenses, and get into the mindset of, oh, that's not what I was expecting. Let me seek some clarification here. So communicate with curiosity rather than in unhelpful emotion. And then after you have the conversation, make a decision based on this information you have, accept the outcome and move on. Taco prices are a pound more from now on because ingredients keep going up and up. That's totally fine. Okay, I've got my tacos, go going to enjoy them. Life is great. And celebrate the fact that you spend.

up for yourself. This is not easy for many people, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. And the more you'll realize that your anxiety is often uncalled for. It's just a lot of drama that you have swirling in your head because it's a pattern. It's a pattern that you've adopted over your life to keep you safe. And it has served you for a really long time, but it might no longer be serving you now. So when you start acting from this different place and challenging your thoughts, that will help retrain your brain to make it easier and to even feel good to speak up. All right, so did you relate to this episode? Have you been in these taco dry cleaning situations?

How do you feel about speaking up for yourself? Do you? If you would like my one-on-one help to speak more confidently and to manage your emotions while doing so, book a console and let's talk about how you can start communicating with more confidence and less anxiety. You can find me at sarahigatell.com slash chat. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarah micotel.com slash blank no more.