Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - 100th Episode Special w/ Robert Smigel, President Halonen, and Jordan Schlansky

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

It’s the 100th episode of Inside Conan! To celebrate, Mike and Jessie are speaking with three Conan fan favorites - our friend Robert Smigel answers your listener questions, associate producer Jordan Schlansky explains one of his “various tasks,” and former president of Finland Tarja Halonen reminisces on Conan’s visit to Helsinki. Watch the Blackwolf Moondog video here.Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail]

And now it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hello and welcome to the 100th episode of Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. That's crazy, 100 episodes. It flew by. And our names are the same. I'm Mike Sweeney and you're Jesse Gaskell. That's right. This is Inside Conan.

We've been talking about the overview of Conan's career on late night. No wonder it's gone 100 episodes. We've barely scratched the surface. Yeah, it's just the first 100. After this, we're gonna switch to a rewatch podcast format. I figured out Conan's done 4,000 episodes of Late Night TV. If we rewatch all of those and you do 36 episodes a season, that's 111 years of employment for us.

That's 111 years of less than part-time employment. Exactly. And we have other big news this week, and it almost feels like we must have planned it this way because it's our big 100th episode and it seemed like a celebratory time. But we won a WGA award on Sundayay a writers guild of america not the whole world right just america north america well no excluding canada i think so um yeah no not even america not even yeah we won we won that was great it was a huge surprise it was a huge surprise because i went back and looked. We've been nominated for 19 Writers Guild Awards over the years. This is our seventh victory. Oh, well, that's a pretty

good ratio. Yes, but we haven't won since 2006. And since then, we've been nominated 10 times and always lost. Yeah. So I think everyone's expectations were mine were tampered down. So I was truly shocked and delighted when we won. Yeah. Well, I was too. I didn't even get to watch the awards, which were virtual, which was also kind of right. Not quite as fun. But you guys all got together in Los Angeles. I wasn't there.

Right. At Matt O'Brien, the head writer's house, which was funny at a big screen. And we watched this virtual show. Well, I mean, and by watched it, we just watched the part where our category came up. Talking and then somebody said, oh, pay attention. Yeah. Well, you know, with a virtual show, the weird thing was they made everybody who was nominated record an acceptance speech. That's right. Which is to me is like such bad karma and it's you know it's like a terrible prank because chances are you're losing and then and maybe you've

put a lot of effort into yes choreographing some kind of video yeah giving a heartfelt thanking people and that video is out there somewhere it's going to come back to haunt you we just did uh i like what we did we just did a a jib jab video yeah we did one of those videos where you can you just put your photo and it's like a pre-made animation and they doing the charleston yeah it looked really crappy we were like what's the crappiest thing we can do yeah and you know what the nice thing is normally Normally I would feel like, oh, talking about the Wiener Writers Guild Award is like bragging, but we have to talk about it because of Inside Conan, we have to cover the news and the Conan. That's right. And that is news. And we were excited to finally have some news. Well, we have a great show today. We really do. three guests oh my god are we allowed to say that

first up it's our friend robert smigel fan and podcast favorite yeah his third time on the podcast he's a third timer the third timer club and we decided it'd be fun to have him answer some listener questions so we let you guys do the hard part. Do all the work. And then we had fun talking to Robert Smigel. As always. And then we have former president Tarja Hallonen of Finland. Yes. We spoke to her about when Conan went to Finland and they met in the presidential palace. Yeah.

And then last but certainly not least, we have Jordan Schlansky, associate producer extraordinaire. And he's here to help us answer a fan question. Yes, that we thought was kind of geared toward him. So it was a perfect, perfect match. Perfect synergy. And now here's Robert Smigel. Well, hey, Robert, did we tell you the special occasion that we've

invited you here for? I heard rumor that it was for the 100th episode. Yeah. 100th episode. It's our 100th episode, and you are the one that we wanted to help us celebrate it. Yes. I heard it's not just me. I heard there's a few other guests. I'm not the only special. They only told you that to not pump up your ego too much. That's okay. No, no. Too much pressure. Too much pressure.

You're the three-timer club, which is the first. Yeah, you're the three-timer club. Oh, well. The first and only. The three-timers club. Yeah, there's no sketch to go with it. Conan's not going to make a cameo? No.

Wow. Yeah. That's that's you guys. That's a slap in the face that he won't be in your three timers club sketch. Yeah. We, we get to sell the podcast to a syndication now, so we're really going to rake in the big bucks. Now you can step away.

Oh man. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. This is the goal of every podcast. Move over Seinfeld and Larry David. You're going to be on TBS at 11 o'clock. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. This is the goal of every podcast. Move over, Seinfeld and Larry David. You're going to be on TBS at 11 o'clock, ironically enough. Yeah.

We actually asked fans to help us out with this episode because we get so many fan questions about you and things you've done for Late Night and at SNL. So we fielded fan questions for this interview. And so- Before you do that, I have a guest who, he says that I'm going to be really boring and that he'd like to save your podcast.

Is that all right? Yeah, I mean, we're- Okay, here he comes. What? Oh my God. I can't believe it. I can't believe how could I miss this? The 100th episode of Inside Conan O'Donnell. How could I? A hundred. Congratulations. A hundred episodes. It just goes to show the old saying is true yeah podcasts don't get canceled that's that's the beauty of podcasts they just keep going nobody has to listen no one's in charge of saying you know what enough it's a cute idea this is too close to home triumph i kid i kid

i kid i kid listen no no you've got plenty of listeners. People listen some to every episode. And you know what? You know what? It's a tribute to Conan's fans and how upsettingly narrow-minded they are. You know, because these people, they could be listening to podcasts about current events or murders or that's pretty much it. But no, no, no, thank you, says the Conan fan. I want to listen to an hour of editor Mark Jankiloff talking about the time he shaved

four frames off the top of Conan asking Mr. T, do you like apples? And how it made all the difference because that section was dragging. That's what I want to listen to. No, no, I kid again. I kid for a second time. I kid. You know what?

Because it's not about the Conan fans. I was not kidding about the Conan fans. They are freaks. I was kidding about the show. It is a success. And you know who it's a tribute to? It's a tribute to you two guys. That's right.

The hosts. Mike Sweeney. Sweeney. No, you're terrific. I have to ask you. I have to ask. You used to be a stand-up. Am I right? Didn't you you. You used to be a stand-up. Am I right?

Didn't you? Did you used to be a stand-up? Let's say yes for the purposes of this interview. I knew it. I knew you used to be a stand-up. You know how I could tell? How? Because you're hosting a podcast now.

That's what people who used to be stand-ups end up doing. You know, they're like, well, that didn't work out. Maybe podcasting is easier. It's not all me. I can be kind of funny. I don't have to bring people to the show. No, and you know what, Mike? It's so beautiful.

There's no booing in podcasts. There's no heckling. It's perfect. Awkward silences, yes, but no booing, no heckling. You could cut those down. Jesse is smart. Jesse is smart. Why is that? Because you skipped right past the

unpleasant step of failing at stand-up. And you went straight into podcasting. Hey man, I did... Good for you, Jesse. I did three Evening at the Improv, so. Really? Yeah, three. Could you send me a sample of Bud Friedman's jizz?

I heard the first time you didn't wash your face for a week. Because Bud Friedman's jizz on his face, ladies and gentlemen. All right. You know, I did not see that one coming. The hand up my ass thinks I should stop right now. This whole time, all I'm worried about is how many pages of jokes you have about us. I know. No, this was all the hand up my ass.

Sorry. Your show's not that important. I was going to say. You know, he saves his C material for podcasts. All right. This has been a great episode of Inside Conan, O'Donnell. For me to poop on!

Oh my God! Damn it. Boy, did he get you guys. Oh my God, he got us. And he's got already. You didn't see that coming, that for me to poop on. He really sucked at you. You really thought that he thought it was a great episode of Inside Conan. No, but I do accept this as a compliment.

This is a huge honor. That was an honor. And you know what? I was like, the important thing to do is to shut up and not step on the dog. Yes. Actually, laughing is the way to look best best whether you think it's funny or not learned not just because it helps triumph but it helps it makes the person look like a good sport exactly and and also takes the pressure off them to have to right it's the opposite of what ted

cruz right whatever ted cruz does with triumph do the opposite. That's a good rule for anything. Yeah, pretty much. If I didn't laugh, people would come after you for elder abuse. So this way. I'll bring him back, Sweeney. No! I'll bring him back. I'm not afraid of that dog. I'll get Brian Rich in here to write more jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow. That was great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, My pleasure. I really don't feel we deserve that. Now we're going to run through every impression. Every clutch cargo.

Right, right, right. Well, should we dive into our fan questions? They're all going to be about my penis size. Okay, bring it on. Some are about the width and some are about the length. So there's a lot of variety. All right. Well, I was going to move us into Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Yes. How about that? Yes. There are questions. My favorite job of all time. Oh, is that true? Yes, I've said that to you guys. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh. It was the most thrilling thing i could have ever done was i mean david letterman was our hero to do it at all was great but then to do it with like your best friend at snl pretty much it was conan and like sandler and carvey those were my three best friends at that show yeah so to like do it together with him, I'd never wanted to do anything more than that. And it was incredibly hard, but the staff, everybody who worked on it that year, and all the writers, it was like being war buddies. It was dangerous and thrilling. There was propaganda for both sides. No, and we were just like, at SNL,

I got to write a lot of stuff that I loved and was excited about and proud of, but it always felt like I was writing for someone else's show. And I wasn't trying to get too crazy with it. Most of the time I was trying to serve the show, write the silliest, funniest versions of things that I thought the audience would want to see though, as opposed to the Conan show where we finally had this playground where we could try anything. So when stuff worked, it was just the most exciting experience I'd ever had in show business. Oh, that makes, yeah. Cause it's a brand new show as opposed to slotting it into an existing structure.

Absolutely. And, uh, and, and brand new, but we're in charge. I mean, basically we're not answering to anybody. I mean, Lauren was the executive producer, but pretty quickly he saw that we were going to be impossible to work with. And that we were going to do pretty much the show we wanted to do. Do you have examples of that? Would you say you'd be impossible to work with? With me particularly? In general, yeah. Well, no, there were things Lauren wanted us to do over the course of that summer.

He wanted Conan to do stand-up. And this is before the show even came on. Yeah. Okay. And I was like, no, no, don't do that. Right. Because I always have this deathly pessimistic, even though as much as I had faith in Conan and was excited and thought the show itself was going to be great, but I was like, if you go out there and it doesn't go well one night and then they write about it

and then there's like a you know and then that i mean this is before the internet but still it was like shit could multiply and conan felt the same way he was like i don't really want to why risk yeah Why present myself beforehand? Right. And in fairness, Lauren might've been right because all Lauren really wanted was for Conan to get used to. To be comfortable. Talking in front of an audience.

Yeah. But it's more than that too. It's also getting used to being on with a tally light with a camera light on too, which I think is a whole different experience it is different but it's closer than sitting around in an office with a bunch of writers you know it was like go on stage talk to the strangers and get some laughs and learn how to be comfortable in front of them that's all lauren wanted right yeah he was, maybe train a little before you run a marathon. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. And I was just like, no, it's too scary. Yeah. It just felt like there were too many variables. You know, that's like the control freak in both of us, I think, thinking that. But, you know, it might have helped him. It really might have in retrospect. But, you know, I did a lot of things that I'm proud of at the show. And then other things that were like a hindrance on some level,

like I've talked about this, how I, I was like, you're not going to do remotes. Oh, you told Conan not to do remotes. Let's not do any remotes that are like spontaneous. Man on the street. Man on the street shit because Letterman was doing it. Because that was Letterman. Letterman's domain. He was doing it.

I'd seen Pat Sajak and Dennis Miller try to do it. Right. And, you know, Dennis is a funny guy. And I was like, you just can't win right now doing something that this guy is doing so well. So we did some scripted remotes. Right. Like whatever that meant.

But we would not do the thing that Conan is best known for now. Yeah. It's just being incredibly quick-witted. Improvising. Improvising, you know, in any given situation. Right. But maybe he had to work up to that. No, no.

I mean, that was a natural evolution. Yeah. it's a natural evolution yeah yeah well it was just all about like you know lauren has this slogan that he used to say which is kind of you know that was kind of an example of of which is like uh when you don't know what to do you define yourself by what you're not going to do if that makes sense uh-huh you define yourself by what you're not gonna do okay it's like i don't know exactly what comedy i'm gonna do but i know what i'm not going to do. Okay. It's like, I don't know exactly what comedy I'm going to do, but I know what I'm not going to do. Right. And we actually did that.

Like I set a lot of rules at that time. It's like, we're not going to do found humor, but we had an inkling of what we were going to do. And like, that's, you know, that's why Triumph exists because Letterman was doing the Westminster dogs and he would bring out real dogs and they would run down the aisles and that's like found humor. And that's where, you know, my wife had gotten me these dog puppets and I was like, this will be great. Let's use puppets and make them, you know, sing the theme from the bodyguard and play dueling banjos, you know, and then eventually the insult comic like four years later.

No, yeah. There were a lot of early parodies of late night kind of tropes. Oh, that too. Yeah, we did. Well, like the first bit we ever did was Louie's bit. Like actual items. Was a parody of Jay Leno's headlines, basically. Right, right, right, right.

Right. Which was an homage to small town news. And I'm not going to get into my Jay Leno impression this time. Okay. People can go back to previous episodes. Yeah, no, exactly.

The big purpose of this hundredth one is to shed light on past episodes. Exactly. So let's get, let's keep those references coming. Do the Mark Jankiloff. The producers in my headphones saying, can you refer to Alec Berg episode 87? That was the one you listened to.

It was. It was like the week before I was coming on. Do you remember the very first big laugh from late night and or applause break that came from something you wrote? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Well, I remember the most thrilling. I mean, you know, that first show was very successful. And if you watch it, partly because Conan,

even though he's nervous, he's so excited and happy to be there that it's just infectious and he's so lovable. And so is Andy when you look at it. And then we had a lot of bits that we had worked very hard on and they all worked. Conan hanging himself right before the show. We had all these silly things, like Conan saying, we'll be right back after this sound effects technician.

And then it was just this guy, Bob Flanagan, dancing to a Phil Collins song. And then Conan's like, and we're back. And it got like laughter and applause. And that was really thrilling. And then the bob costas interviewing that's great you know he would have all these obscure arcane guests so we had this bit what's gonna happen on bob cog you know this plug for the next show on tv and it was all it was bob costas's later show at the time and he's interviewing the tree from the wizard of Oz, which is great. But then the next night we did

the first clutch cargo. And that was probably the most in the moment, exciting because we had done them in test shows and they were very successful and we wanted to do them on the first show. And Lauren didn't want it because Conan, he didn't think Conan was driving it enough. So we went with actual items. And then on the second show we did it and he interviewed Clinton. And I remember in rehearsal, I had the idea to drink from his coffee mug. From Conan's coffee, on the dab. From Conan's mug. Like Clinton, Clinton's just, let me have a drink of that. And I started sipping it. And it's funny enough. And then Conan says, lap it up like a kitten. So then I'm like, with my tongue just going as low as it can to reach the thing.

And that was just, we thought that was, oh, that's pretty funny. And so then, but then when we did it live on the show, I mean, the bit was already going really well. But then when I lapped up the water from his his mug like a kitten it got such a fucking hilarious such a huge reaction giant laughter and applause and that was like the first time it's really like most thrilling moment of my career oh that's great because it's like this is this thing that the two of us so organic yeah it was very organic and it just it was me and conan doing it together right there and so that felt very personal and

exciting and i just remember every second of that yeah oh that experience because sometimes when you're in a great moment it's like it passes by too quickly and then you don't even get to enjoy it. But I'm glad you were also present enough to be absorbing the audience response. I always had that. I always had that because there's a part of me that still can't believe that I get to do this. And like I had that at SNL, like this thing where a lot of writers would traditionally you're supposed to watch your sketch with Lauren at dress. And then you go up to the writer's room and watch it on a monitor Mike you've probably been in that room yeah the ninth floor writer's room at 11 30 and they're all huddled around yes and they're kind of paying attention but they're all talking and I could never do that when it was my sketch I had to be

on the floor yeah watching it because it was like that's the only time I'm ever going to get to see it that way and you produced it you were kind of hands-on up to that moment so like, that's the only time I'm ever going to get to see it that way. And you produced it. You were kind of hands-on up to that moment. Yeah, but that's everybody. Everybody who wrote their sketches produced. But I just felt like this is like, it's a miraculous thing. I'm like on the floor of this beautiful studio. And I just want to watch the actors do it right in front of me and feel the audience right around me. And I just, I did that all the audience right around, right around me. And, and I just, I did that all the way through eight years at that show. I just could never get over that. I just, um, and like, yeah, I, and you know how it is like, like when things like, uh, you know,

you do a triumph bit and you've worked really hard on it. And like, Sukunda tells this story that I had forgotten. Andy Secunda was a Conan writer. Andy Secunda, great writer, wrote the amazing joke about, it's always quoted to me about, which button do you press? To have your mommy pick you up. To have your parents pick you up. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And he just came up with it on the spot. Most quoted. Yes. He came up with it on the spot. And he remembers that I brought him up to watch the sketch with me from the stage. Because I just wanted him to experience that. Oh, that's great. He played such a big part in it. Yeah. It's so much more rewarding to just let go of being above it and just admit how much you love it.

Yeah. No, that's great. You brought up Clutch Cargo and we get a lot of questions about Clutch Cargo specifically. That is the thing I miss the most. Is it Clutch Cargo? Really? Yes. Yeah. It's, you know, everything about,

like, I'm very happy for the Conan move to LA and he's got such a great life out there and everything's gone great. Everything's going great for him. No, it is. No, I've had a fine decade with my, I had two more children. It's the best decade of my life. But it's like if there's one thing I miss that I used to do that I don't do anymore, that's it. It was such a joy to show up at the studio. Right. Sometimes I'd write some jokes or have an idea for a clutch, but a lot of times, most of the time, the writers came up with these hilarious bits.

Right. And all I'd have to do is show up and do a funny caricature impersonation. And it was like this emotional release, too, for me, because I'm like, you know, I just needed that. I needed that. I was always a performer on some level before Saturday Night Live, and then I became a writer. And then the Conan show afforded me this opportunity to let out all this silliness as a performer just through that bit. So the story was really big. We'd do it two or three times a week, you know, depending on the story. Late night, I would say, it's not the writer's favorite bit, but like for the audience,

I would say over the course of late night, it was probably the most popular recurring bit on the show. You know, they were fun to write. Yeah, we'd all bang them out together. Well, you loved writing. You loved to write for those things. Certain writers love to write.

Well, it's a great way to interpret news that, you know, might otherwise you're I don't know how you're going to address news stories. And that was like money in the bank. No. And then like there'd be new presidents and I'd be like, shit, I want to do Obama. No, I wanted to do Obama. I wanted to do desperately wanted to do Trump again. Oh, yeah. That would have gotten me through that term

right it would have been so much it would have been so much easier yeah those yeah exactly to be able to go and i love you i will say gives me early on chills there were times you couldn't do voices you couldn't come in and we get impressionists to do them. And to your great credit, I think you were such a key part to the success because you did great impressions, but you also, you'd exaggerate them in a way that worked perfectly for that's why Dana Carvey and me were so close at SNL because that's how we did impressions and he was just better at it. And so he was on the show, but I loved, I loved collaborating with him and, and, and like, you know, I would give him musical hooks for certain impressions like John McLaughlin or Regis Philbin. And like I said, we did the cartoony Lauren back and forth. And so, yeah, so I got to be my own Dana Carvey at that show. And the bar, thankfully, is lower because it's like, it's such a silly construct already. You're taking a photograph and, you know, cutting out the hole and playing like a practical joke on the celebrity. Cutting out the mouth. The only thing we see live is your mouth. So you're acting entirely with your mouth, which...

Yeah, so it's such a silly construct in the first place that you almost don't want to do a perfect impression. But I would get close enough so that it sounded like a credible impression and then I would make it just sillier. Right, right. Someone asked, when did you start making those sounds

in Arnold's Clutch Cargo, and how did that come about? You mean... I'm assuming that's what it is. Those sounds. I'm pretty sure that was almost from the start. Okay. But like everything,

it evolves and gets bigger. I mean, if you watch the first Triumph, he's almost a different character. He talks more deliberately like this. Yes, he talks slower. I just kind of loosened it up. And with Arnold, same thing. Yeah, same thing arnold yeah the nonsense gibberish and sweeney was great at writing like hilarious uh austrian german kind of gobbledygook words you know yeah we'd all do that that was banging out yeah it was all group group work or sometimes people go off sometimes a couple writers would go off and write the arnold part like yeah different

groups of writers would bang those things out bring them back in yeah because we knew you had to work your way up to jingle mentioning jingle all the way yeah so funny because that finally was released i think on netflix or something this christmas right and so yeah and so on twitter i started seeing people quoting the arnold yeah putting on putting clips of arnold saying you know i mean our arnold right there was just something about jingle all the way that i just thought would be the funniest yeah funniest one for him to to quote oh and and what was Arnold Schwarzenegger's tooth gap made of?

Oh yeah, that was another fan question. It was made out of... What was it made out of? Do you remember? I don't know, but... Cruz Bustamante's shirt! I tore it apart! Pulling out an old reference.

Cruz Bustamante! Didn't he run against that guy? There were certain names that were so much fun to say. Yeah. I know we've talked about this before, but we were all the rumor the day he was supposed to announce on the Tonight Show that he was going to run for governor. We literally, I think, said a writer, Michael Coleman, had to go down to the feed to watch the tonight show feed to see yeah if he announced it because then we knew we had to write a clutch card we were so excited we couldn't believe this was could drop in our lap like that

i know that was a miracle yeah did you did you know did i ever tell you this that out of the blue i got a call from my agent that arnold wants meet with me? You know, I had met him years ago. I'd met him years ago when we wrote the Hans and Franz movie, me, Kevin and Conan. Dana wrote it years ago and we met him and had dinner with him at Schatzi's, which is the big fancy place he owned back then. And then, but this is like literally like 10, 11 years later. And I guess I'd seen him once at Conan when he guested. Oh, yeah. I talked to him then and I said, hey, remember that Schwartz that, I wrote that Hans and Franz movie with Conan and these other guys, remember?

Yeah, why didn't we ever do it? He's like bullshitting me. Right. He's totally bullshitting me because I know that he had bailed on it. Right. But anyway, so this is like 2004 now. And I get this call. Arnold wants to meet with you.

I have no idea what it was about. And I said, I can't go to LA this week. I don't remember what personal issue I had at home. Can we do it in a couple of weeks? And they said, sure, we'll move it down. And then literally like five days later, he announced he was running for governor and I'll, I'll never know what the hell he wanted me to meet with him.

Maybe he wanted you to run. Be my Lieutenant. Double Schwarzeneggers. Yeah. Yeah. That would have been, that had to be it, Mike.

That had to be the reason. Well, that kind of segues us into another question we got. Have you ever considered running for public office? As Triumph, I have. Yeah. I have to admit. I was going to have Black Wolf be my advisor, and that was actually one of my advisors. Black Wolf's still around. He's still being Black Wolf. No, he's not. I don't know

you didn't know you didn't know this he passed away oh no wait what yeah i'm sorry to tell you that i put it on twitter like in october i it happened in july oh i didn't know that he was seemed pretty young he was i know he had a kidney issue and i had only heard the very germ of it one day on a phone call it's such strange thing because richard washington is his real name and and like you know i met him on camera at the star wars remote right at the star wars thing and then uh he was hilarious obviously and then i hunted him down to sing a song on my Triumph Come Poop With Me album, which was amazing. But when I hunted him down, I realized, okay, I'm calling him, and he's going to have my number now. And sure enough, he abused it, but it became this joyous thing where he would call me literally more than most of my friends. I would hear from, you know, I'm not the most

somewhat reclusive person and, uh, living in New Jersey and all my friends are in California and Black Wolf would call me like twice a month. And we'd have these conversations. He'd always be in character greetings, fresh home to the point where I would eventually, you know, sometimes I wouldn't pick up and leave voice messages and let them leave voice messages because they were so wonderful. Yeah. Right. Did you talk to him as yourself or were you also? Oh yeah, no, I was always, I was just like a straight man to him. And the beauty of him, the hilarious thing about Black Wolf Richard was that he would never drop the wizard character, but if you know how he talked in that sketch, he was clearly like a pop culture enthusiast.

So he would leave messages for me about things like, Greetings, fresh hound. It is my sad duty to report that Pierre Cosette will no longer be producing the Grammy Award. Pierre Cosette. One can only imagine who will fill his enormous shoes. Details later. Anon. Pierre Cosette. He's supposed to be a 4,000-year-old wizard.

Right, right. And he's obsessed with Emeril getting revenge on the Food Network. But you know, he also lives in our world, and he's finding his way. Exactly. He was the hippest, most with it, 4,000-year-old wizard imaginable. But it was really, really sad, and I didn't tell anybody for a long time. That is sad. I will say, you should look up, anybody who loved Black Wolf should look

up. There is a clip that he did that has nothing to do with me or the Conan show that he made, that somebody did. There was a guy named Moondog who used to be a weird kind of, he dressed in like a Viking helmet and he was a musician on the streets of New York when I was a little kid in the seventies. And I would see him once in a while and I'd be scared of him. And I could imagine adults thought he was a freak. And somebody videotaped Black Wolf talking about him. And he launched into this incredibly touching monologue about the beauty of being an eccentric and having an imagination and embracing it. And it was, I posted it years ago on Twitter because it touched me so, so strongly. And, and then when

he passed away, I posted it again. But if you go to YouTube and Google Black Wolf, moon dog, check it out. If you love Black Wolf at all okay it's really worth listening oh that's really cool it's really beautiful thanks for letting us know i was really really sad when i heard this it was i had become pretty close to him in the strangest way imaginable now i'd see him all over town like yeah i'd be at coney island with my kids and he'd be like. And he'd be like, I'm walking down the boardwalk at a hundred degree heat. Exactly. The full regalia. The last time I saw him, I used him on my, I did the, I was going to do this podcast. Let's make a poop that we ended up not doing because of the pandemic, but it was like a game show and triumph was the host. And Black Wolf was like George Fenneman. Black Wolf was his announcer, and he was hilarious.

And I would have loved to have made that work for him so that he could have had a steady paycheck. No, you two are a great team. Go ahead. Hey, Robert, do you remember the first thing Conan did or wrote that made you laugh? You mean at Saturday Night Live we're talking about? Probably, yes. Yeah, it looks like we're going back. I had high expectations when he came because John Vitti, a writer at SNL, before Conan got there, who was also from Havid, had sung his praises, like talked about Conan like he was superhuman and the funniest guy he'd ever met at Harvard.

So when he was hired, I was super excited. Can I, can I interrupt? How long had you been at SNL? I beg you to interrupt. I had been at SNL, I think like two years. And actually I had read a packet of his, him and Greg Daniels were a team and a writing team. And like, it took like a year for Jim Downey to hire them. It was, it was like, I don't know if he had a Harvard phobia, sort of like Conan ended up sort of having a little bit when he was hiring writers. But, uh, in the end he came and I don't remember like the first sketch that he actually wrote that, that blew me away. So I hope the rest of the answer was entertaining enough to make up for the fact that I don't have an answer. Just jumping off points.

Yes. Will, were you wary of this guy then when he showed up, or did you just hit it off right away? I was like, please. I was like the youngest writer there. I was desperate for other young writers. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, I was surrounded by brilliant writers, like, you know, George Meyer, Jack Handy, Jim Downey, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Andy Breckman, Christine Zander, the Turners, all these amazing people, but they were all kind of older than me. And a lot of them, I was just too intimidated to

pitch ideas to even by my third year, I was still like afraid of like, Hey Al, what do you he would sort of like, sometimes you'd pitch an idea and your voice and he would start tilting his head, like the Chuck wagon dog from those commercials al franken we're talking about just to clarify senator al frank senator al frank may he rule again that's interesting how long do you feel like it took you to get comfortable there and feel like you could never never never entirely comfortable that i could just pitch anything to anybody. It was always like, and that's just how the show works. I think people find the people who are most like-minded to them and they sort of work in little pods and then kind of intersect beyond that. You create alliances.

Yeah, alliances. Like Survivor. A little bit. Yeah. Like I had Conan and Greg and Odin Kirk. Then there were certain performers like Dana Carvey and Sandler that I really connected with in different ways. And so, yeah, I would sort of go to people like that first and make sure. It was also kind of in your mind, you're thinking, well, if this guy who thinks the way I do thinks it's funny, then it probably is funny. Whereas if Al doesn't think it's funny, that could be a generational thing. Right. You know, if you get a chuckwagon

head tilt from Al, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're off. It just may mean that he doesn't get why it's funny. Yeah. But then how do you go around that? How do you go around that head tilt? Oh, well, if Conan thinks it's funny, then you end up writing it with Conan. Right. And then read-through is, you know, that's the... That's the ultimate. Right. Yeah. That's the decider. That's the democracy. Yeah. Yeah. If it would kill it, read-through, it would get on the show. So then did you get to a point where you're like, okay, I'm just going to put all my eggs in the

read-through basket and not pitch this to anyone beforehand? I mean, other than the guys who are working on it. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And then Jim Downey too, because Jim Downey was sort of the benevolent head writer. He had a wider scope of taste then. That's why he was a great head writer. So I usually let him know what I was doing. But there were some times with Al where like, even at dress rehearsal, if something was going to get laughs, even if it got laughs all week, he'd be like, like, I remember I wrote this thing with Ross Perot driving Admiral Stockdale in a car after the debate. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It ended up being a really famous burrow sketch. Yeah. And I remember Al saying before the show, before dress rehearsal,

I'm a little worried people are going to think I wrote it. Oh God. And then afterwards he was claiming he wrote it. No, no, that he wouldn't do, but he, uh, he uh i don't remember how he reacted well it ended up bumping his political sketch from the same show but everyone was happy because it killed well actually mayor mccheese 86 is wondering okay okay what is your i won't forget his name what's your favorite tv funhouse cartoon that you worked on oh i? Oh, all these questions that don't have anything to do with the coach. We'll get there eventually. There's like a lot of them. In a way, the first Ambiguously Gay Duo is sort of like one of my favorite ideas I've ever had.

And then I loved The New Adventures of Mr. T. It's one of my favorites. It's just sort of like, it was all about Mr. T and it was set up exactly like his children's animated series that he had in the 80s where he and a bunch of kids would, I don't remember if they solved crimes or if they, I don't know what they did, but they worked together to do something good. And anyway, but so it was the same exact kind of action premise, except the whole goal was just to get Mr. T work. So like there's auditions for a doll's house. He sees a doll's house. I need work. Let's go in there and find out what's going on kids. And then he goes in and they say, you're not a, you're not right for Tarvald. And then it ends up like Mr. T there's just a big scuffle and, you're not right for Tarvald. And then it ends up like Mr. T, there's just a big scuffle and Mr. T ends up playing Tarvald. And all the kids are huddled around him. And then he says, just goes to show, if you drink your drugs, eat your milk,

get you 10 hours of... He would mix up his drugs and get you 10 hours of drugs, eat your school. Did you start TV Funhouse after the Late Night with Conan show launched? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. No, I left Saturday Night Live to do the Conan show. Right. I was never going to leave unless I had a job to go to.

Right. Yeah. And then when I left Conan to write a Da Bears script with Bob Odenkirk. Oh, a movie screenplay? Yeah, a movie. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Wait, where is that right now? Yeah.

We performed it. In development. It's in my laptop here, I think. I'm not even sure. We performed it once on stage stage yeah yeah for charity we got mike ditka and uh yeah it was a ridiculous premise that again i will not go into here it is but uh and then i failed at the dana carvey show which is well documented on the hulu channel if you anybody wants to watch too funny to Fail, it's a very

funny documentary about that show. And then that's where Ambiguously Gay Duo happened. Right. So after that disaster, over the summer, I had ideas for other cartoons, the ex-president's cartoon and the whole fun with real audio concept. So I just was like, well, this will be a good way to dig myself out of show business oblivion. Uh, so I called, uh, no, no, I was very much, it was, that was like a scarlet letter, uh, at that moment, the failure of that show. Like I fucked up Dana Carvey's show. It felt that way. It felt like I was being scapegoated. And, you know, I'm sure I had a lot to do with the failure of it. But, you know, it was mostly just a bad fit for ABC.

It was kind of a late night show right in the middle of the primetime schedule. But, you know, we stubbornly thought we could. Anyway, we were wrong. Everyone will come around. But I called Lorne Michaels that summer. I called him that summer. And yeah, that's beauty. Everything I do, 20 years later, I'm in Brooklyn at the Bell House.

And everyone is kissing my ass about, hey, boy. Anyway. And then I'm like, could anybody pay for my cab ride home? That's where we draw the line. Yeah. No, I'd rather have money. You called Lauren that summer. Yeah, I called Lauren that summer.

No, because I was like, it's a rare in show business where you know something's going to work. Right. And I was like, this is going to work. This is fun with real audio. these cartoons based on real life people this is going to work so i called him and he was the easiest phone call ever it's just like yep come back to the show come on back so come back into the fold robert i was curious if you do do you ever have a Lorne-off with other people? Yeah. Did I ever have a Lorne-off?

Do you have them? Or do you have, they're probably Lorne conventions. They're hosted by Jeffrey Ross on Comedy Central. Welcome, everybody. Who does your favorite Lorne besides you? Besides me? Yeah. Besides me, I would say Dana Carvey does an amazing Lorne.

And that's one of the ways we bonded early on. Because we, like Mark McKinney did from the kids in the hall. He was the writer the first year I was there. And he did a beautifully accurate Lorne. And then I started doing this much more cartoony lauren says the word show way too much i think i'm going to what i get to choose what's on the show robert and dana and then i did it for dana and then he immediately like oh yeah i do lauren too i think uh we should, act one is looking a little weak.

He had that move. A group of Lauren impressionists, have you ever just all done it to his face at the same time? Have I ever done it to his face? Yeah. No, but I think the hardest I may have ever laughed in all my time at Saturday Night Live

was the first time I watched Lauren watch cartoon Lorne at the end of my SNL cartoon, my first one. Because if you'll remember, it was called Saturday TV Funhouse. And it started with a bumper shot of one of those artsy bumper shots of the host. And the like pulls away the shot. And it's almost like a curtain is torn away. And then underneath is the cartoon. And then the dog starts getting chased by Lorne, a little cartoon Lorne going, come back here with my show.

And then at the very end in the credits, they're still having a tug of war over the curtain that the dog pulled away and and lauren cartoon lauren is saying lego my show lego my show and the first time i watched lauren watch himself i was literally like a 10 year old again who had like drawn a picture of his teacher and you know watching the teacher look at the picture and just giggling like a child. Like, I did this to the boss. I was just, and then Lauren asks me. Who was that? I knew who the dog was, but not that weird man.

The dog, who's the little man with the pretentious voice. The application. The anglophile who's, no, he was like, I don't sound like that. He literally said that to me. Do I sound like that? And I was like, no, it's a cartoon. So I did a cartoony, it's a cartoony impression of you. How about this one?

What's the one funniest moment Robert has has had with conan outside of the bits maybe something that's a great question so many jesus you know i know that's a tough one i mean it's usually usually me laughing my ass off at something he's saying and doing but i don't know i think of something we used to do at the show at SNL when we were writers. One strange bit we used to do, which was you watch the feed before a sketch is being rehearsed. The feed of Studio 8H, we'd be in the control room and we would see one camera would be on program monitor, a locked camera, and we would watch the set. It it's just a static shot. And sometimes Dave Wilson, the director, who had a New York accent like this and was that kind of guy.

And he would walk in front of the camera, looking at the set, kind of, you know, waving his hands around, talking to like, I don't know, another cameraman. Sometimes it was a set designer telling him what he needed. he's just waving his hands around and we would do this bit where we would just dub what the conversation was and it was always just dave wilson saying shit like you know so what are we going to do it's going to be beamed out through this camera and it's going to appear on a little box and people are going to be able to watch the box at home and they're going to be able to see what's on the set. He's explaining television every night. He's explaining television to the other guy.

He's just like, just do this for like 10 minutes. Never get bored with it. That's so cute. Well, Robert, thank you so much. And I know our few listeners are going to appreciate this as well. Hey, that was Triumph talking. That wasn't me.

I know what's going on. I know the real deal. And we've already booked you for our 200th episode. Oh, good. It gives you plenty of time to come up with some new insults. Thank you, Robert. of time to come up with some new exactly insults thank you robert great to have him back it's great when robert stops by and thanks to triumph as well yes that was their separate entities so they owe we owe them separate thank yous that was very exciting that was i do feel like that was to be nailed by the dog that was very flattering i mean

he went after me more than you which also delighted me there's more to work there's more to work with there for that damn dog i'm too slippery he can't get his little paws around me yeah you've escaped his clutches again i threw him i threw him some i'd bake bacon in my pocket, so he needed to tread lightly with me. Uh-huh. And next up, we have our interview with President Tarja Hallonen. It's a favorite Conan moment, his visit to Finland during late night. Yes. And we get asked about it a lot, so we thought, who better to reminisce? And that was back in 2006, so we waited 16 years to reconnect with her.

And wait till you see the puppet she has. Incredible. Hilarious. And she flambés you, Jessie. Yeah, no, she dug in. And we should note for this interview that our connection was a little bit wonky. I think they were in the middle of a snowstorm in Finland. I'm assuming it's just always a snowstorm there. And you know how snow can kibosh your internet.

Yes, it gets in the tubes. So here's that conversation. Well, Madam President, we're so happy that you took some time to talk with us today. It's late here. We're in Los Angeles. We're in California. And you have sun and warm weather. Okay. Right. We do. We won't rub it in. It's morning there. You're in Helsinki? Yes. Great.

Full of snow and just fine, bright morning. That sounds great. And well, thanks for agreeing to talk to us. I met you back in 2006. I went to Finland with Conan. A big highlight for us was getting to meet you and visit the presidential palace. But we thought we'd start. We just had a few questions. Jesse and I, we were very curious. When were you first aware of Conan O'Brien? Did you know about him before he started doing comedy about you in Finland on his show in America? I didn't know too much about him. Of course, I knew the show. But let's say that with his interest concerning Finland, so of course, he became more and more popular all the time. I was in the matter of fact a little bit, and not even a little bit, but I was surprised when he noticed that a small country named Finland, that

they have a presidential elections. And he had, in that show, you had very much a similar sense of humor, what we had. So all these exaggerations concerning the size of the feces and the winter fishing and all that.

So we really loved it. His show was on at the time all over Europe, but for some reason, it's just as you said, I think the Finnish sense of humor and Conan sense humor were very similar. So he just kept getting more and more fans in Finland. Like they really kind of clicked together, which was kind of exciting to see. And so then Conan was talking about you at Finland on his show. He found out you were up for reelection and started, started making commercials. Trying to help in his own way.

Yeah. Help you get reelected. Do you, I, I sort of, we were wondering what you thought when you saw those or if you ever saw them. Yes. So yeah, Gary, it was a surprise. Some people became a little nervous because you are just out of the control. And even my previous behavior before I became president, and I think a little bit perhaps also in that time.

So if I put it nicely, I was not quite the traditional type of the person who is a president and and so perhaps some of the supporters and campaign organizers they were uh-oh let's see what does happen because i was very very open very positive oh that's fine and i like his humor and so anyway we were some of your campaign people like yeah this is how it's done. They are always over, how could I say, reserved. Sure. When I have been, as you know,

I have worked for the sexual minorities in the early 1970s, so, of course, nobody would think that such kind of person could become an important politician because, as they nowadays call me, I'm a typical activist. Right. You did win re-election. I think you won 51% to 48%.

Yeah, which is very, very tight. It is tight. My strongest opponent was our present president, Salve Neniste. Oh, wow. He said all the time that he's a candidate for the working people, but was a very creative, creative soldier.

It was tight, yes. Do you think that Conan's support for you contributed at all to your victory? If you ask my opinion, definitely. Yes, yes. But even the opponents thought sometimes they said that they were wondering how I have organized all that.

I was not organized. Yeah, it was a surprise. No, it was fate. They thought you were the mastermind behind the whole bit. I love that. After you won your election, Conan decided it was time to visit Finland. And also he had just gotten so much, you know, love from Finland that he thought it'd be great to visit. And one of the highlights of his visit, he went up to Lapland he went all over helsinki but um one of the

highlights for him was you offering an invitation to meet you at the presidential palace do you remember what that we were wondering what you were thinking when you met conan that first time so of course um i i know that people look different in tv right we are always how could i say we are with more weight. So we are a little bit we always think that we are a little bit slimmer but we are. But with the Conan

it was different. I was a little bit surprised that he looked a little bit shy but in an arrogant way and he was tall very tall, slim in that arrogant way, and he was tall, very tall, slim. In that way, how could I say that he was better than, even better than the team. Oh, well, that is surprising to hear.

I know he was very nervous. He seemed nervous, at least on the clips to meet you. Did he seem nervous in person? Yes. So we think we are not too talkative. So perhaps this to be a bit nervous made him even more like a film. But so that was the right move then to be a little more reserved. Yeah, exactly. As I said, it could be that he was a bit nervous, but he made it in elegantly. Okay.

He had never met the president of another country before so i think no he's afraid of you know falling on his face we don't bite we don't bite oh we have a question a couple questions from fans who a lot of americans still love to conan's trip to finland and a lot lot of Conan fans like to talk about it. And we got some questions. One was, do you, Madam President, do you regret letting Conan into your country? No, definitely no. As you have already heard from the discussions, yes.

Simply said, no. When Conan arrived in Helsinki, there were like a few thousand people waiting for him at the airport and he read a greeting in Finnish. And I think we have the audio for it. Sean, our producer, is going to play it for you. We'd love to hear what you think of his, Conan's, speaking in Finnish. Here it is. How's his pronunciation? Yeah, not bad.

I wouldn't say this is a British way to say understatement. But yeah, I think that he has talents also in languages. We have now just advertisements all over in Helsinki where they say that learn Finnish by singing. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And so they have noticed that the pronunciation is easier by singing. Singing makes it easier. So perhaps you could propose to Conan that why not try to start a singing program, Conan singing Finnish. Yes, that's Finnish. Yes.

That's a great idea. Well, Conan heard we were going to be talking with you and he wanted to make sure we told you he said hi. And he said he's looking forward to one day toasting you with a glass of Korskenkova. I would love to have a toast, but I think... Okay. This is a little bit based on gender. Koskintor would be not perhaps my first choice.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I have a very good homemade apple juice that if he will be in Finland, that's fine. Oh, okay. And you can put a little bit of costume on that. Oh. And nobody sees the difference. Okay. But let's hope that the COVID-19 allows the visitors come to USA safely and also to Finland.

Yes. Of course. We hope so, too. Thank you so much, Madam President. We really appreciate your time. We really do. This is a really safe hug now when we do a digital hug thank you so much thank you very much yes thank you

okay thank you to president tarja hallonen of finland it's just wild that we've had a president of a country on this podcast. I know. I think we have to keep going after heads of state from now on. Yes, I agree. Who's next? Maybe someone from South America would be interesting. Oh, yeah.

Thank you, President Hallinan, for taking time out from all your post-presidential duties. Yes. It's time to answer a fan question. Something we do every week. And since this is our 100th show, we thought we'd do something special. Well, let's hear the question first. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Mike. My name is Josh, and I am calling from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. I just want to say I love the podcast, and I look forward to it every week. I have a question about a bit that was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien,

and it really kind of took on a life of its own, inspired a website, maybe a full live stream as well. That is the hornymanatee.com sketch. If memory serves me correctly, I think Conan had mentioned something about visiting hornymanatee.com sketch. If memory serves me correctly, I think Conan had mentioned something about visiting hornymanatee.com and he found out after that if somebody in a position of power mentions a website name,

NBC required them to actually buy it and kind of make it a thing. So that led to quite a long-running sketch with this recurring theme of the horny manatee. And I'm just wondering, is it true that you guys actually had to buy the domain and it kind of, you know, morphed into what I think to be one of Conan's funniest bits? I'd be interested to hear a little bit more. Thanks again, guys.

Take care. Thanks, Josh. Thank you, Josh. Wow. That's a great question. That's a very specific question. I know. And we have not addressed that before. Certainly not. I know. We've been waiting. It's never come up. But yeah, so we do have to buy the domains if we mention a website on the show in any capacity. Right. If it's in a comedy sketch, we have to make sure that that website doesn't already exist. Right. And then purchase it if it doesn't. And the reason for that is, let's say someone else buys the site and puts stuff up there that could be offensive, et cetera, then we'd be liable for any negative. Yeah. And we wouldn't get any of the profits

either. Yeah, exactly. Right. Of course. I never thought it would be unfair. Oh, and we wouldn't get any of the profits either. Yeah, exactly right. Of course, I never thought of that. Which would be unfair. Oh, yeah. But it occurred to us while we were thinking about this question that the person who managed the websites and finding, making sure that the URLs were available on our show was actually Jordan Schlansky. Is that right, Jordan? That is right.

That's correct. You're here with us. Yeah. Hi, Jordan. I'm here. Yeah, so, Jordan? That is right. That's correct. You're here with us. Yeah. Hi, Jordan. I'm here. Yeah, so we thought we would go to the horse's mouth to get an answer on this. Please welcome Mr. Jordan Schlansky.

Hello, Jordan. Hi, thank you guys for having me. You've just sent us a photo. Oh, this is a photo of you with the horny manatee. Yeah, as Josh mentioned, we had mentioned the URL horny Manatee in a comedy sketch, and this was December of 2006. Oh, wow. Look at those sideburns.

That picture is me and Dan Gore, of course, former writer on Late Night with Greta DeVine, who's gone on to do fantastic things. Yes. Have you had him on the show? Yes, we've had Dan on the show in season one, I believe. Yeah. Checking up on us. So in order to say the website on the air, as Mike mentioned, the network had a policy that we purchased it to ensure that there would be no questionable content. And we had done that a few times before with other websites. And then one of the writers, which I believe was Dan, had the

great idea that, hey, listen, if we own this site anyway, let's make a comedy bit out of it. And we made it into a functioning website. We would do photo shoots and feature kind of erotic manatee themed artwork on the website. And the picture I just sent is a behind the scenes photo of Dan and myself positioning the manatee for one of the aforementioned erotic themed photo shoots. What position do you think that was going to be? It's just sort of spread eagle right now. Based on the limitations of the articulation of the particular costume, I don't know that there was that much we could do with it. Unfortunately, I actually looked up the website. You know, for a while we had it functional and then later on, NBC just had it direct to their own homepage. And now the website goes nowhere.

But I looked and not only does NBC still own it, but they renewed it as recently as last year. Oh, interesting. It may be their general policy to never let the URLs expire, or maybe there's some future. Maybe they hope we're going to come back. Meanwhile, that's where a third of their income comes from. Yeah. Yes. It was originally a comedy bit. I couldn't quite remember the details, but there's a big article about it in the New York Times at the time. We used to do bad NCAA mascots. And one of them was that Dan came up with. It was supposed to be a manatee on a webcam, and he was trying to do a lascivious dance.

And Mark Pender, our band trumpeter, we cut to him watching this on his laptop. And then Conan just did an ad lib saying, oh, check it out at hornymanatee.com. And then because he ad libbed that after the show, Jordan, do you remember this? I'm imagining that's when you would have kicked into action. Yeah, that one was surprisingly available.

In this day and age, there are very few combinations of words that haven't been purchased yet. But back in Sweet Innocent 2006, there was a lot more availability and no one had thought to purchase Forney Manatee. And that's right. Dan had a great idea to like, let's make it a real site. Right. And then do comedy about it. And we invited fans, as you said, to start sending in

their own Horny Manatee fan art. So it was one of the early interactive... Which is also a dangerous thing to do now, probably. Website bits. Yes. Well, one of the interesting feel-good stories

related to this situation was that we were, I believe, selling shirts. I've also sent you a photo of one of the logos that we had on the shirt. And all of the proceeds that we made went to a legitimate manatee foundation because they were and maybe still are. To inseminating manatees. Yes, a threatened species. And we sent it. I forgot the name of the foundation.

It was based in Florida. And we were in regular contact with them, making sure they got the proper proceeds and they loved what we were doing and uh i mean if they loved it to me that's a blessing that the manatee community in general was on board sure yeah i don't know if they love the content as much as the check that was getting sent to them but i remember conan quickly soon after it like, I don't like that bit. I think he hated the costume. Because it was so... Because it's so bad. It doesn't even really look like a manatee.

It looks like it was adapted from something else. Like they took the trunk off an elephant or something. Yes. I've seen so few actual manatees in my life that the image I have in my head of a manatee is that costume. Oh, that's terrible. That's upsetting. They all have that big seam around their neck. Can I ask a question? Jordan, what would have happened if Conan had said that website, and then you found out that it belonged to somebody else? Well, what often happens is, if that's the case, the standards department screens all of our shows.

And after the show, if they hear a website like that, they'll check in with me and ask if we knew what's going to happen. And if so, if we have purchased the URL, ideally, we would tell them yes. In cases where we haven't, they usually ask us to censor either the entire name of the website or maybe just the dot com or dot biz part of it just to leave some ambiguity there. So they have plausible deniability that they didn't actually endorse a particular website that could be problematic. There was a lot of times if a website's unavailable, it doesn't necessarily contain questionable content. But the threat is that in the future, when a show repeats, we can't control what would be on the website. The only sure way is to own it. There was one example. Normally we kind of roll their eyes when we get these notes. If something is ad-libbed in the show and we have to censor something, we're never happy about it. Yeah, because it almost makes it sound worse. It makes it sound worse. Censor it. We don't want the perception that we're a show that falls under high amounts

of censorship. Back on the TBS show in 2014, we had the cast of Orange is the New Black on and Laverne Cox was one of the cast members on the show. And she had mentioned her twin brother and that he had a website. He was a musician, she said, and she wanted to promote his website. And we didn't know about it in advance. And normally if a celebrity asked to plug one of their websites, there's a lot more leniency involved than if it's just an unknown website. You know, we want to make sure that we, you know, treat the talent well. And usually they're harmless sites. Normally, I'll check out a website in advance.

In that case, it was ad-libbed. I did not have the opportunity. So after the taping, I immediately got an email from the standards department saying that we needed to censor the website. And again, in the interest of talent relations, she was only promoting her brother's musical website. I kind of went back to them and pushed back a little bit and said that we'd like to keep it. You know, let's cut some slack. And I got an email back, which I've located, and I'd like to read it to you. Sure. After I said that we'd like to keep this URL, the mention on air of Laverne Cox's brother's website, I was told there is a pornographic image

on the front page of the site of three men being anally penetrated by objects. Those are musical instruments. And that was from Standards and Practices. This is from Standards and Practices. Immediately to verify the accuracy of the email, I went to the website. And in fact, that was certainly the case. I can't say I disagree with the logic of this policy as much as we disliked it at times. It's interesting because,

I mean, all of this, honestly, I feel a little bit bad because we've sort of dispelled here the myth that you don't do anything for the show. I'm sort of, I'm upset to know that you occasionally did things. You would have preferred it if I did not do things. I would, yes. Right. That's part of your mythology. Do you feel some level of sorrow that my image was unnecessarily tarnished by the myth that I didn't do anything?

I still don't know if we've shown you have actual duties. All I've heard is you were looking at three men being anally penetrated. I don't know if that's work. If so, and you were holding up the flap of a costume. How many hours per year would you say you spent researching pornographic websites for work? Well, if I were to aggregate all of the requests and the time that I spent looking at them and the percentage of those that were pornographic,

I'd say under 10 minutes per annum. That's what we say in Latin. Yeah, what a great use of Latin. Do you remember any other particular titles you had to fork out money for? I mean, frankly, I was a little disappointed that we didn't do more comedy sketches based on websites that we actually own because there were quite a few. I was just looking through some old emails, which is not necessarily comprehensive, but theoretically we should still own these. So they're completely fine.

Yeah, let's get them some traffic right now. There is Jose arroyo citywank.com that goes back to 2014 and just to be clear jose is jose arroyo part of the right url that's a bit he wrote oh yes okay yes that was just a graphic and something he put on the show. Then there was Dan Cronin, new dudes.org. Obviously, the dot com must have not been available in that scenario, which doesn't surprise me. That was available. I can't believe new dudes. Wait, does it have to be a nonprofit to be a dot org?

Oh, right. I'm not well versed in that area. I wouldn't know. A 501c3. Well, clearly not. I'm sure we wereversed in that area. I wouldn't know. A 501c3. Well, clearly not. I'm sure we were considered a profitable operation. Newdudes.org with a Z. But I think you guys have the whole list.

I don't have everything in front of me. Yeah, we do actually. We got the list from our producer, Sean, who also gave us the fun little tidbit that he had to pay for all these. And so he still gets the renewal emails to renew these websites. How often do you have to renew these, Sean? And how much money are we talking about?

I would say Lisa Berman, I get these at, I mean, every month we get various ones. It's month to month. You can't even get pay for two years. Oh my God. You pay for a year, but there's so many of these URLs that are bought all across the year that you're just getting trucknuts.net has been renewed for another two years. We own trucknuts.net? With a Z, yes.

Oh my God. And we're not doing nearly enough with it. I agree with Jordan. I feel like we're leaving money on the table here. You're actually paying money and nothing's coming in. We also own buttclamp.com. Wow. We own diarrhea-casserole.com, which tells me that diarrhea casserole with no dash was already taken. The dash.

This one's pretty great. Don't worry, it's not humantrafficking.com. I don't know what goes on there, but. I have to ask, Sean, how did the, were these all mentioned on Team Coco podcast? No, I think these are all from the TBS show. These are from the show. They're all back. Okay.

I remember some of these. Find jasonbiggs.com. I like that of these. Find Jason Biggs dot com. I like that one. You can find Jason eating a diarrhea casserole. Lunch without Joe Biden dot com. What else do we have here? Singles with shingles dot com. I think that might have been from something I did. Really? Yeah. I did a lot of dating site material. Now that's definitely a moneymaker. I agree. So many seniors get shingles or herpes zoster, as it's properly called. I can't believe

we have this. You can't prove that's my penis.com. That's shocking. We could at least make money selling them to someone who would use them. Yeah. How long do you think we'll have to own these for, Jordan? Well, theoretically, the commitment required by the network was 10 years, which is what our initial purchase is. But theoretically... So not in perpetuity. Well, theoretically, we want to own them in perpetuity. And, you know, relative to other production costs,

the cost of a URL renewal is so minimal that I would assume that's the way we'll go. And you said that NBC still owns the horny manatee still owns and recently renewed wow online i just read that they shut it down literally two days after conan stopped the tonight show and left nbc i don't know the answer to that but it had been redirecting to their home page for a while so frankly i don't know why it's completely non-functional now. Right, right, right. They may notice a little more traffic after this podcast airs. Yes. I do remember you also were tasked with having to make sure phone numbers weren't real phone numbers. Yeah.

I mean, you know, the risk of that, there's an added element in that case that if the phone number belongs to a private individual and suddenly they're overwhelmed with phone calls, you know, there are a lot of litigious people in the world and then suddenly legal action becomes a possibility. So that was a very longstanding policy at both of the networks that we work for. I think before you came to work on Late Night, we did a bit where we put one of the writers office numbers on a a bit but didn't refer like it was in the background and we just it was an experiment to see if anyone if anyone would call and i think we some of us stayed till 12 35 till quarter to one in the morning to see if the phone would ring and it started ringing off the hook. It did? Yes. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's like a moment in a movie where it's like, are they going to call?

I know, I know. I was there during a period, I don't remember the specifics, but we deliberately mentioned a writer's actual phone number in order to receive some. We had solicited something from fans or viewers and the writer logged the responses and we used it. And I feel like it was kind of later in late night's run. So I wouldn't be surprised if you remembered it. I think it was Where's Grady? That would have been Greg Cohen. Yes.

I think we put up a number. We did a thing about, we just said Grady, the character from Sanford and Son, we treated him like he was a real person. And said he hasn't been seen in years since the show went off the air help us find him and i i yeah i think we put up a tip hotline and got and it went to tons and tons of calls a writer's real phone yeah yeah yeah uh it was it was good to catch up with you yeah likewise and thank you for helping us with our fan question thank you and that's our show. That's our 100th episode.

I think we look really good for 100. We're still ambulatory. Yes. Thanks to Robert Jordan and President Halladin for joining us. Yes. What a fun party this was. And hey, if you enjoyed it, if you like our show, you can support us, please do, by rating Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast on iTunes, and leaving us a review. And if you've listened to 100 episodes and you haven't done that yet, what are you waiting for?

Yeah, please. Time is of the essence. 102? Submit your listener question at 323-209-5303. That's right. That's called a phone number. And you can leave a voicemail. Or you can email a question to insideconanpod at gmail.com.

We had Robert Smigel, Jordan Schlansky, and the president of Finland on the same podcast. I guess that makes sense somehow. It does. It feels like the proper fanfare. It does. For our 200th episode, I think we should rebook all three of them, but have them in the same room together. I would love to see that. I would love to see that energy. I think that would be great. Yeah, we might need to have some alcohol present. Right. And it's an excuse to, we can all go to Finland.

That's right. I'm assuming we would have to, or we might have to go to Jordan's house. I'm not sure. That's our backup situation. When Tarja quickly says no. Well, hey, I was thinking it might be kind of special. Do you want to do the honors of driving things home? Oh, the last, oh, oh.

Do you remember what it is? Oh, but then it changed. Right. Okay, it's three words. Just three simple words, Sweeney. We love you. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, We love you. Team Coco. Engineered and mixed by Will Becton. Our talent bookers are Gina Batista and Paula Davis. Thanks to Jimmy

Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best.

It's the Conan show. Put on your best. It's the Conan Show. Put on your hat. It's the Conan Show. Try on some spats. You're gonna have a laugh. Give birth to a calf. It's Conan! This has been a Team Coco production.