Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Arden Myrin Revisits Her Late Night Internship

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Arden Myrin joins writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell to discuss her experience as a Late Night intern, returning to the show as a guest, how to not be a thirsty intern, and accidentally walking in on Conan in his underwear. Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail]

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Theme. Hello. Hello. Hi there. Hi. Welcome to Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Yes, we're your hosts. I'm Jessie Gaskell, and this is the beautiful Mike Sweeney.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. No one said that since sixth grade. A girl in sixth grade said I was beautiful. Oh, really? I remembered. I said, this is the beginning of, it's going to be a great run for me. And that was it. It was that one.

You peaked. I remember it clearly. Hello. How are you? Hello. I am, I'm fine. Good. Yeah.

We're, I mean, I was going to explain what the show is, but honestly, people know at this point, I think. Yeah. Or there's a description before you click on it. No one's listening to this by accident. It's inside Conan. How many different Conans are there? The only accident is us hosting it every week. No one else is here. We just fire up the equipment. Guess we'll accidentally meet up again this week. No, I'm good. I've been doing some fun holiday stuff.

I've been getting into the... Holiday spirit. ...spirit a little. Like what? This weekend, we went and saw a screening of Home Alone at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Really? Accompanied by the LA Philharmonic. It's the score to that movie that... Well, it's actually John Williams composed it.

Oh, I didn't know that. I know. I didn't really either. And we saw that they were doing this. That whore. I know. But it's a really good score. It's a beautiful score. Oh. We booked the tickets and it was sort of a joke, I guess. We were like, oh, we're going to go to Home Alone in this beautiful venue. And then we were like, ha ha, we spent $85 on tickets to Home Alone. Joke's on us. But then it was wonderful. And the orchestra, the whole orchestra was there.

There was a live choir doing Wow There's choir scenes in a church Oh, I thought they did the Culkin lines or something That's a choir They sang them Right You filthy animal

So they would play Under the dialogue, yeah So it was a cut that didn't have the music But they played the music live And it was just very moving. We both cried. Oh, really? My boyfriend and I.

Yeah. It was really sweet. And that's a beautiful... Disney Hall's really... It's so gorgeous. Beautiful. And we had never been, and that was part of the impetus for going, was like, oh, we want to see something there.

Wow. Now, was John Williams there? Because I know he conducts at the Hollywood Bowl in the summer. They do like five or six Star Wars. I know. Or no, it's all of his movie music. Yeah. So probably Home Alone is in there.

Probably, yeah. I don't think he was there. Although I don't really know what he looks like, so he might have been. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he's playing the kazoo. Right. It was really nice and it's all decorated for the holidays right now. And it just felt very fancy and festive.

I heard the one drawback was they accidentally played the remake of Home Alone. So. The one with carrot top. That's right. It didn't quite sync up. That's great. All right. You know, I went to one of those ones and I was a little skeptical, but it was for 2001.

Oh, cool. Space Odyssey at the Hollywood bowl. Yeah. You know, but so much of that is music without dialogue. So, uh,

that movie really lends itself to that. Yes. I don't know of other cities do anything like that. I never heard of such a thing until I came to Los Angeles. It's sort of unique. I mean't know if other cities do anything like that. I never heard of such a thing until I came to Los Angeles. It's sort of unique.

I mean, because it's an LA thing. Everything revolves around movies here, but it's nice to find a way to incorporate. Yeah.

You know, it's sort of highbrow and lowbrow together. Right. Together. Also, I made an observation. So, Kieran Culkin is in home alone okay he plays a little brother oh he does he does yeah can you tell i've never seen that movie i

i'm starting to figure that out yes so go ahead he's in movie. So he's in the movie and there's a shot where they imply that he's going to wet the bed that night. And he looks at the camera very slyly. And I swear they recreated that exact shot in succession when he sends his dad the dick pic. Yes. And there's that shot across the conference table at a very specific angle. and he's in the same spot that he's in in Home Alone. And now my theory is that somebody did that on purpose. Did you Google that? I didn't. I didn't Google it because I just want to believe. And now I'm wondering if bedwetters tend to be dick pickers.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah, maybe this is actually the same character all grown up right exactly there's a lot of continuity very nice what are you up to sweens oh i i'm living vicariously through you i learned a few weeks ago like you know whatever jesse's doing that's good for me and i'll just and now when i we're done, I'll tell people I saw Home Alone at Disney Hall. It was unbelievable.

Of course, John Williams wrote the score, you fucking moron. Well, next week we're getting a UTI. Yes. I decided. It's my first. I don't want to brag, but I've been very pristine up till now. So that's terrific. And yeah, I'll do the same course of medication with you.

I'm sure it's a 10-day program. I feel like maybe we should probably introduce our guest today. I would love to. Let's do it. Yeah. This week we're speaking with the hilarious Arden Marine. She's an actress. Right. Comedian with the hilarious Arden Marine. She's an actress, comedian, extraordinaire, and an author as well. Yes. Wow. She's very inspiring to talk to.

And she started out way back in college as an intern on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. That's right. She is in the former intern turned celebrity club. Right. So here's Arden Marine. That's right. She is in the former intern turned celebrity club. Right. So here's Arden Marine. We're here with Arden Marine, actress, comedian, improviser, sketch, comedy, maven. Memoirist. Is that how you pronounce it? Memoirist? Extraordinaire.

Mm-hmm. Podcast host. Yes. And podcast host. Yes. And podcast guest. Yes. You are, it used to be the triple threat. You're,

I don't know what the word is for- The C-Tublet. 12 ways. Do-decahedron. Yes, yes. Thank you. She could write a book while dancing. She's incredible. That's what I did.

I actually wrote the whole book while dancing. I's incredible. That's what I did. I actually wrote the whole book while dancing. I got my steps in. I got my word count in, people. Leave it on the field, America. But Arden, one thing, I don't know if people know this about you, maybe everybody knows this, but you are one of the many celebrities who got their start as an intern on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. That is correct. I was an intern year one, like semester two, you know, because I was in college. So there was, I believe, like a fall semester of interns. And then I was, so I was about like four months.

I don't know what month it launched, but I started in January 1993. Is that accurate? Is that a lie? 94. 94. But that was right after the show started. Right after the show started. It was right when it was getting renewed like four episodes at a time.

Right. That's when they said, we need Arden in here. Let's get they said. We need Arden in here. But it was really fun and I'm still friends with some of the people that I met while working there. That's crazy. I don't have friends for that long. You do. You have friends.

I barely have friends from Conan and we just wrapped in the lie. That's not true. You're very, very popular. You're very popular. Very popular. People love Jessie. People love Jessie. Everybody loves Jessie.

Hey, I didn't say it was their choice. I maybe was the one who distanced myself. Yes. How did you even know to apply there? The show was brand new. Were you just like, I'm going to send my resume everywhere. I'm going to fax my resume. I'm going to fax. I'm going to like carrier pigeon my resume. You know,

I was at a college that I hated. It was the wrong school for me. And yeah, I couldn't afford to transfer out of there. Like I'd gotten into other, like I got into like NYU, I got into U Michigan, but they wouldn't accept my credits. Like, so I could transfer, but I would have had to pay for like another year of school. I'm just curious why you hated that school. You know, it was not the school's fault. It was really the operator. It was my fault. I didn't, I didn't look at it. I went to Colorado College. It's a very nice school. Yeah. I didn't look at it. My best friend looked at it.

Oh, that's how you do it. You were like, just sign me up for whatever you're doing. It's fine. I just followed her there. And so she went and like had the best weekend, like caught guys on bicycles, brought her to Garden of the Gods. Like it's actually a very good school. It's academically a good school. Right.

But I am not a professional rock climber. It's just not the school for me. So thankfully, they had, like, an arts program in Chicago. So right before here, I did six months in Chicago at ImprovOlympic where I was like Sharna's intern, and the home team was Adam McKay and Neil Flynn and Matt Besser and Horatio and like Rachel Dratch. Wow. Anyway, it was like this amazing group of people that was right before they went to Second City. And I got to take classes from Del Close, and I had to have a fake ID to perform there because I was only 19. Oh, because it was a bar.

And it was in a bar. It was at the Wrigley side in Wrigleyville. So that was sort of the opening of, I mean, I always knew I wanted to do comedy. I was from this tiny town in Rhode Island. I had no connections. And that was the beginning of being around. The gift of me not fitting in at my school was that I, and not being able to afford to transfer, I sort of

got scrappy. I actually think the path was how it was supposed to go down. And so I went to Chicago, I met all these amazing people, and then I didn't want to go back to school. And I figured out, because I was a theater major. I don't need a degree to work in comedy. It's actually a hindrance. No, true story.

And so I applied to Letterman. I applied to Conan. And I feel like there was like two other places. Letterman never got back. Basically, Conan was the place that got back to me. And nothing against the other interns, but like the first batch were not that on it. It was like the dregs of the only person who was, there was two people that were on it. It was Brad Walsh and Jeff Adio, who all like ended up like working there, I think. Or Brad. Yeah, Jeff Adio. Maybe Brad Walsh. I don't remember that. Brad became like an executive producer or a producer on Modern Family. Okay. So he's a writer. So like those are the two that were on it. The rest of the batch

were so terrible that the three of us they gave responsibilities so it was sort of a gift again to sort of because it was brand new and these other interns were not on it and letterman didn't call me back right i was the assistant to the script supervisor brenda ventura who was like who went on to become um deniro's assistant and she was like she was like what's your name again? Aden, what the fuck kind of name is that? Look at you with your long blonde hair and your big fucking boobs.

And then... I think I see why De Niro liked her. Yeah, but she was great. We ended up becoming like best friends. I loved her. I got to go be down on the floor during rehearsal because she was doing like Robert Smigel's script.

Like Robert would hand write out his scripts. And she would sort of... Robert Smigel was the original head writer on the show. Yeah. She had to like keep track of his changes. And then I got to sit with her in the control room during the taping. So it was so interesting to look on a variety of ways to learn what each person did on a TV show. Like growing up in a town with a general store, like I knew I wanted to do this, but it was good to know. I knew what each department did because I'd have to go deliver the scripts and watch everybody.

And then it was also interesting to see a show getting launched and a show finding its feet and watching the show get off the ground, which I was always a huge fan of. And it was really interesting to watch, be there for that moment in time. Right. Because I just thought Conan was so funny, you know, and I thought, and Robert was so brilliant. And, you know, like I remember like in the year 2000, watching all these sketches and watching this stuff and then feeling, I remember it felt like there was like Craig Kilbourne was circling the building in a jet pack and like Jon Stewart was circling the building in a jet pack and like Jon Stewart was

circling the building in a jet pack of like there were a lot of rumors the vultures yeah yeah and and it was just interesting like and how cool knowing that Conan like like just knowing how the story ends that like he thrived and became like you know icon. And it was interesting to watch this. And I really had a great time. But also good to be just an intern at that time and be like, I'm 20, so it doesn't really matter to me what happens. No, yeah, exactly. Like, I had no skin in the game.

I made $12.50 a week. But did you also feel a loyalty to this new show? Oh, for sure. Like, identify with it? Oh, my God. Absolutely. I mean, look, I'm a quirky gal. And, like, Conan kind of reminds me of my brother.

And, like, absolutely. You know, I grew up looking like Barb from Stranger Things. Like, I felt like I'm a natural redhead who looks like Barb from Stranger Things when I was, like, 16 years old 16 years old and like from New England. And like, here's this guy. Like he reminded me of my brother's friends. So you weren't intimidated. You were like, I'm just going to dive right in.

And what was your intern personality? Were you like, you know, I'm going to hustle. I want to be plucky and have moxie and show up for stuff. Or were you kind of just taking it all in? Quietly observing. Yeah. I would say I would be plucky and moxie. But I think because I just come from Chicago, I knew that you also couldn't be super thirsty.

You know what I mean? So, like, I just tried to – it was really overwhelming at first because i mean i was basically like an unpaid pa like the first day they were like here's a list of like a hundred people you have to write their names on the scripts and you have to deliver it to each of the and like you know i didn't know who any of the people were it was in 30 rock there is bowels of the building like when the i would have to go like when the when copiers broke, there was like secret elevator. It felt very like being John Malkovich. There's all these weird bowels

of like the windowless parts of 30 Rock. And so it was a combo of, were you guys ever waiters? Did you ever waiter? Well, actually, no, I never made it to waiter, just hostess. So like if you ever waitered,

like that, when you're brand new in that first day and you just feel like an idiot and you don't know where everything is, you don't know what table, like you just feel like such an idiot. Like so I would say in the very beginning it was more just like sink or swim. So just like do a good job, be on time, try to get everybody the right thing. And then as I sort of got the lay of the land and Brenda and I became pals, you know, it was really fun. And I think I had personality and was definitely plucky but also knew it wasn't my show. I knew I was an intern.

And I felt like people were sort of inclusive of me because I wasn't a threat. Like I was just sort of, you know, doing a good job and could get – if you gave me a task, I could get it done and I was pleasant. Wow. That's very valuable. That's not always the case. That's rare. I know. And I think that's why you stood out.

Yeah. No, I mean truly like I was one of the ones that could get it done. So then they would then start requesting me at night to do like the food delivery to the writer's room and stuff like that. And then I was just like, look, I'm not going to, I can't work like 15 hours a day. Like I have to, after the show is done, I can't also be the night intern. It's one or the other. I like that you drew the line. Yeah.

I just felt, I felt like it was like, let one of the other ones figure out how to get like Kung Pao chicken for the writers. You know what I mean? How late were the writers staying at that time? I mean, was it? I only did a couple of times because it was just too, like, I was just never not there. So I just was like, I can't, I can't do this too. That's a smart move.

When I started there, it was 95. The tradition was the interns would eat with the writers. So we'd all sit in the conference room and eat. We didn't have that. That lasted around a year until one night an intern, a brand new intern, just sat down and goes to the head writer. He goes, so let me ask you, how much do you make doing this job? No, I can't. I can't.

I can't. And he just kind of deflected the question. But everyone's head jerked up. And the next day, I think a memo went out, interns will no longer be dining with the writers. And that was it. Dude, can you imagine? I knew enough, I think, from being around the house team at ImprovOlympic. I knew enough to just be cool.

Right. Even if you're terrified, just present low-key. Present not super thirsty. Know that if you're there for a certain period, I was there five days a week all day until like the evening. So just present like you can hang, accomplish your task, and you've got a decent person. And like that's it. Just be affable. That is great advice. Oh, my God. This is the only career advice anybody ever needs to hear. I mean, truly. Don't act thirsty is rule number one.

Well, I'll tell you because then there was a new intern that came in like halfway through my tenure. So I think I was there like six months. So about three months in, there was a new intern that came in from Rutgers who was the thirstiest person I have ever met. Like who could clear a room, who was like – it was right when the book – I think Late Wars came out, like that book, the Leno, the Letterman. Right. The War for Late Night. She came in like with the book and like was so thirsty.

She's like – like that. So she got assigned to the desk. She was going to be like the number two script supervisor intern. Anywhere I went, she was right behind me. And she could clear a room faster and was like, so, like, Dino, did you know that? I'm like, oh, my. Like, just be cool. Just leave them alone.

If they're in the middle of something, like, just get out of Just like, just leave them alone. If they're in the middle of something, like just get out of the room. Like don't hang to, like, just read the room. Read the, number one, read the room. When in doubt, go back to your chair. Like until they give you another assignment. Like, do you know what I mean? Just read the room.

Those interns. Dude. know what i mean just read the room those interns dude man they cut through like everyone knows their name within 24 hours because because they just work that quickly at it's too much everyone just going oh my god where did this person come from yeah people start taking other routes to avoid them honestly if you're gonna be an intern in any career, it's a marathon, not a sprint. So like the cooler you can be in the beginning, just know you'll have like just ease into the pool. Ease it.

Do not do a cannonball in. Just like slow your roll. Don't be late. And then like you'll have your moments to ask questions about how people got their start or how you might get in the writer's room or how like whatever your dream is. Just pace it out and like earn the right to ask the question and observe. Just pay attention. Just see how see what people do for a living. Yeah.

Yeah. You're basically getting the opportunity to be a fly on the wall. Yes. Without any consequences of people being mad that you're not doing enough. Yes. Because I always think it's, yes, what you're saying is exactly right.

And you always risk doing too much too soon. Yeah. But no one's going to remember if you were just not present. Like no one remembers the absence of somebody. So it's fine to be chill. I'm going to ask about the page versus internship because NBC had a page program. Yeah. They were like neckerchiefs. They have, I think you still have it. And blazers, right? I believe at the time

they were like maroon blazers and like a neckerchief, almost like a flight attendant, like a... Or a scout. Or a scout. A character heel. That's exactly what it is. Like a nylon and a character heel. And did you guys interact? Did the interns interact with the pages? Was there some kind of rivalry? There was a cute page named Jen.

And then I remember Jason Nash was a page. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jason was the page at SNL. And then we would like, I remember, I'm really bad at smoking pot. I get really high for days and I'm paranoid. That's the word on you. And I remember one of the last times I got high was at Jason Nash's house. There was like a page party and I went and I got so high that I like was terrified to get a cab to go home.

You were there for two weeks. I might still be there, you guys. I'm not sure. I'm still there. Yeah. Do you have any favorite memories from working in 30 Rock? I mean, it seems like that was such a magical place for people to work. I remember it would be exciting when once in a while they would let me go like greet the band and stuff downstairs. Like it was when Max was still there. Like there was, you know, there was times Drew Barrymore and I are on the same age and, loved her, and I had the same little haircut with the curls. And I remember waiting downstairs, like, to, like, greet the band.

But it was also, like, the time that she was doing, like, SNL and getting to, like, see her in the lobby, like, was so exciting. And then I remember befriending, like, some – I knew some people that worked at SNL and getting to go to the – some of the parties. But then getting to go to the finale party on the parties, but then getting to go to the finale party on the ice rink, like, was so, I just couldn't believe, you know, because that was always my dream. Like, I couldn't believe that I was there. I mean, I truly grew up in a town with no stoplights and a general store, and our coffee shop is, like, in a barn and an apple orchard. So to be like in Gilda Radner and like Molly Shannon and then to be at the ice rink and like there's Molly. And it was just like I couldn't believe I was there. I could not.

I remember also when Letterman came to do Conan was exciting. There was like a big it was like a big, it was like a big thing. That was a big thing. Cause yeah. Yeah. It was kind of like him giving his stamp of approval to this fledgling show and the guy replaced him. So yeah.

Yeah. What was, what was that like? I remember it was like really sort of tense that day and people, it was like sort of high security. Tickets were like very specific about who could be in the audience. And like everybody was sort of excited, but on edge, like it was like everything was amped up. And I remember it went really well and like people were really excited about it, but there was a lot of, like I remember even just the rumor that like Letterman is going to be here, whatever, like February 27th. Like there was a lot of, like, I remember even just the rumor that, like, Letterman's going to be here, whatever, like, February 27th. Like, there was a lot of, that it was a coup to get it.

It was exciting. It was kind of like a countdown. It was, like, he was booked a while in advance, so it was kind of a countdown to it. Like, the king is coming. Everybody. Right, right, right. The townspeople prepare. And it was also, like, again, it was right around when he didn't get the Tonight Show.

Like, there was something about, like like he's anointing Conan. Like it was, it was, it was, I on that soundstage and seeing the audience and how cold it was? And like you always heard people, the guests comment like on Letterman when I would watch it growing up. Like they would all talk about like being in that little refrigerator room. How cold they'd keep the studio. Yeah, how cold they'd keep the studio. Supposedly for all the equipment, but also I think like it's good to keep the audience chilled. Yeah, for comedy, for sure. No, cold is funny, for sure. Sure. You know, even just like when the bands would come in and I thought Robert Smigel was so wonderful and funny and just watching

the characters that they would do and watching these things come to life and getting to sit in the control like just the being in the building was it really felt like I was Dorothy and I was starting to like crack getting into Oz and it was like I couldn't believe I was there were you working on your own comedy at that time too I mean yeah you were at 30 Rock all day but did you have a chance to do comedy at night? I didn't really. And then I remember at the end, they offered me a PA position. And I was aware that I just mostly was jealous of the guests after getting to know what everybody did. I was like, and so I didn't... You were like, the only job I want here is the one that shows up right before camping

and leaves immediately after. I was aware that unless I was like the writer's assistant, which I wouldn't have been, you know, that I, so I, I finished school

and then I immediately, like I was waitressing and then I got an internship. The casting director from Conan, Mikey Halbrin, helped me get an internship with another casting director. And then I started doing stand-up at night. And then that's how I got my agent. So it was very smart of you to turn down the PA job it sounds like. Yeah.

Yeah. So I started doing stand-up and it was like 80 miles and it was Zach Galifianakis. Like everybody – we were all starting out at the same time at Stand Up New York and the Boston Comedy Club. So that was the next year. I just was like, I have to bet on myself and just go do this. Did you know right away, I'm just going to move right to New York City? Or were you also thinking Chicago? Okay. I always loved New York City. I grew up in Rhode Island, but my family was from New York. My mother's only requirement, my brother and I, she was like, you don't need to go to a fancy school. You don't need to get the best grades.

But both of my children need to live in New York City for two years. And then after that, I don't really care what you do. I love that was a requirement. Literally, it was her only requirement. I was happy to oblige. And so it was always New York. Yeah, I couldn't wait to move to New York. So, wow.

So you started out at the UCB as well in New York? It didn't exist there yet. It didn't exist yet. It didn't exist. I wish it had. I would have been delighted to. Right. And a lot of like the sort of alternative comedy didn't exist yet either.

So that's why it was like more like clubs. It was right there was luna lounge down on the lower east side but it was beyond that it was mostly stand-up new york boston comedy there was one in soho and then and then i lucked out and like booked a sitcom immediately immediately. That's how it works. Kids, and that's how you do it. You do stand-up for a few weeks, and then you get the sitcom. That's it. And I was also like, again,

looking back, if only the ascension could have been that steady. And that's how it's been for the last 20 years. No problems. It's just an effortless. You just do it. You just book job after job forever. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so that was, I mean, truly, I feel like when you're the new kid, I mean, look, I know it's very, very hard to book the first. I think it's interesting once you've, then there's another round of new kids, and then you're like, it's having to be like, then you have to really have to really dig deep it's like all right what do you got like because you're not the new kid anymore like so so now what like what are you gonna do well it's funny because you're describing being at conan and thinking oh i you know i want to be a guest on the show i'm gonna book a sitcom and then you just did it i was a guest i came back i was a guest. I came back. I was a guest. Yeah. And you became a guest. They played the Welcome Back Cotter theme song.

And it was only a few years after your internship, which is probably the fastest intern to guest. Yeah, it was like two years. I think it was two years. Pipeline, yeah. That was a fast turnaround. I know. I was like 22. I love your career goal. The reason to get on a sitcom was just so you could be a guest on Coney.

I just want to see how comfortable the couch is. By the way, it was so exciting. It was so fun. My whole family came. Yeah, it was great. Oh, my God. That must have been surreal in a way. It was very weird.

It was very weird. And then I got to do it again when I was on MADtv. And I remember it was like a big deal because Lauren produces SNL. So no Mad TV cast member had ever been a guest. Oh, there was a blockade. There was a blockade. And so I got to go do it.

And then I remember some of the Mad TV cast members were like mad. Hence the name of the show. That's what everyone's angry about. They knew that's why everyone's so mad on that you found the loophole i found the loophole man you are savvy right from the get-go i need to get this internship so when i'm on that tv i can still go on the show still going

just as i planned just as i planned i heard a funny detail that you were in a movie and paired with someone else who was also an intern on the Conan show. Yes. Oh, no way. I believe it was his first job. It seemed like it was his first job. No. Well, then he became like,

literally, I remember, I think he had just graduated from Brown. I played John Krasinski's wife in Kinsey, and we played the most sexually broken couple in America that were so broken that that was when Kinsey knew he had to help. Had to help. He had to do a sex study because we were so sexually lost that we were the straw that brought the camel's back. How did you access that character? It was so hard for me. Oh, my God.

Well, you grew up in such a small town. I grew up in such a small town. There's no sex up there. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? It was illegal. It's actually still illegal. You can wear corduroy.

You can wear chapstick. And you can do a nice firm handshake with a very handsome woman. You's actually still illegal. You can wear corduroy. You can wear chapstick. And you can do a nice firm handshake with a very handsome woman. You can go apple picking. You can clear brush with your hands. You can drink brown liquor. You can have a cow. And then you can just live and let live and push it down, down, down. That's enough sex for some people.

Oh, yeah. Just having a cow. It's a lifetime's some people. Oh, yeah. Just having a cow. It's a lifetime's worth. For sure. Absolutely. So you started in 95, Mike. When did you start, Jessie? Oh, I didn't start until 2013.

What? I know. Crazy. It was me and then Jessie. No one was hired in between. A slight gap. I remember like Alec Berg and Jeff Schaefer did like a three-week stint fresh out of Harvard. And then went on to Seinfeld.

Yeah. And then I remember Bob Odenkirk was a staff member, but he didn't live there. He like lived in LA and he flew in once. I think he was there once while I was there. Right. He worked out some crazy deal with them where like, you know, if I'm in town, I'll drop by 30 Rock. I think he was a staff member. I think he was there for one week while I worked there. And then it was Dino Stamatopoulos.

Sure. And Marsh McCall. Right. And Michael Gordon. Michael Gordon. So sweet. So sweet. And oh, Dave Reynolds. Dave Gordon. Michael Gordon. So sweet. So sweet. And, oh, Dave Reynolds.

Dave Reynolds. Dave Reynolds. Who wrote Finding Nemo. Yeah. And then Louis C.K. Of course. And then Robert. Yeah.

You've been very effusive about Robert Smigel's comedy. Was that, was he influential for you? I mean, were you like. I just found he was really nice to me. And I just thought, I thought he was nice. And I thought he was like a mad genius. Like, he just seemed... I think it was also because I got to be there during rehearsals, so it was fun watching them kind of... Yeah, that part of the... I'm fascinated by how people make any kind of... I love making things, and so it was interesting to watch the bread get made, you know what I mean? Like to see, to watch them make changes, to see them work it out. And like sometimes the script

would literally be delivered on a napkin, you know, like he would just write it out on a napkin. I think it was because I got to be there in real time watching the changes and watching them sort of figure it out and watching he and Conan or he and Conan and Andy or whoever was in the sketch kind of finesse something that was fun. And I think Robert's great at really focusing on trying to make something as good as it can be. Let's keep, it's not quite there yet. Yeah. It can be like three minutes to show time and he's like completely unaware. He drove my boss crazy because she was responsible for getting in the computer, but she also adored him.

So she didn't really care, but she was like, I'm going to fucking kill him. But she was so fond of him that he could kind of get away with it with her. But she was responsible for transcribing this crazy handwriting and Right. And like trying to get all the departments needed in order to call the, like, or even just the director to call the show, like just to have a script. It's such a critical part, the script. Yeah. Of the show. And yeah, you'd go in and rehearse. Yeah.

All these changes would be made. Yes. And then all the, exactly what you described, all these departments are are standing by and they're kind of like, you can verbally say, oh, you know what? We're getting rid of that puppet or we're adding a new puppet or this or that. Right. But until they get the actual script and see the changes, especially you mentioned the director. The director is just dead in the water until they get the new script.

And all of this is happening like 3.30 and the audience is coming in in a half an hour. Yeah. And you have to, a lot of times we'd have to hold the audience out in the hallway just to run through a quick rehearsal. Or sometimes the audience would be in and we had to rehearse again so we'd rehearse it in the control room yeah wow yes and i think it's something you

just get used to but the first few times it's just terrifying because you don't think you're just like how's this all going to get done but it always it would always get done at one level or another and there'd be a show so i loved also the band i loved the band so much like they were so nice and yes so talented and you know they were just jimmy vivino like they were just it was just like those guys were really lovely yeah they were all great and they're all, yeah, they're still all total sweethearts. Yeah. And so talented, you know. Except for Pender.

Yeah, it was fun. Like, it was definitely, everyone was nice to me, you know. Like, it was. Because you weren't annoying. Because I wasn't annoying. Yeah. Right.

You know, I'm a nice, fun person. And I have a New England work ethic. So like that, you know, and I was reliable. Do you feel like, I mean, was this your first experience with sketch comedy and then going on to MADtv? Was there overlap there for you? I had written sketches and written plays that I directed and stuff through high school. So, but as far as like, you know, it was interesting doing Mad TV because I did book a sitcom. Like I didn't go up through the groundlings and they didn't, UCB didn't exist. So like I, because I lucked out so quickly, like I didn't go through the training grounds that I probably would have.

Like I would have done Second City or Groundlings or if UCB existed, I would have done those. I actually ended up going back and doing ImprovOlympic again and then doing, even when I was on MADtv, I went back, like in the summers off, I would go do the writer's lab at Groundlings because I tested for SNL against Amy Poehler and then MAD TV that year offered it to me. And they were like, we can't hire two perky. Two women. Two blonde women. Excuse me.

Gross. Both from New England. Yeah. We couldn't possibly have two women. Not at the same time. And so I actually after that went back and, all of the characters that I had done, like, I just wrote them in my living room and submitted a tape. Like, I was aware that my—I was actually panicking when I tested that I was going to

get the job because I knew I hadn't come up through Second City. I knew I hadn't done—like, none of them had been tested in public. I literally wrote them in my living room, made a tape, and got flown to New York. Wow. And I knew I didn't have the chops of the hours. I knew I didn't have the toolbox. Yeah, that feeling of it's sometimes a curse to get an opportunity before you're ready for it. Well, so MADtv offered me the job that year because I tested there too, and I said no.

Oh, wow. Because I think there was some internal strife happening at MADtv at the time, and I was just like – I just knew life was too short. I was like, I don't think I – I knew I didn't have the goods, and I just knew I didn't have it in me to put myself in that environment. So then a few years passed, and in the in-between, I was like, I'm not going to tell anybody. But I literally went – because when I did all the classes in Chicago, I got to do them all at once. So I did beginning, intermediate, and advanced all at once. So I never learned them in, my secret was like, I never learned my letters and my words and my, like, I didn't actually know how to properly, I felt like a fraud. And so I went and I just started, I didn't tell anybody that I'd been offered med TV. And I just started at level one. And so I went and I just started. I didn't tell anybody that I'd been offered MADtv.

And I just started at level one. And I just, I went through all the classes. I learned how to do it. And then I went and did it. And then I got the job. And then I, again. And then you go back to MADtv and you were like, now I'm ready. Yeah. Every year they would call. Every year they would call and say no. And then when I was ready, I was like, okay, then I tested again. Oh, wow. I got it. And then on the summers, I would go do the writing labs at Groundlings because I'd never done like sketch writing. But I also think that's a very – I don't want to say – for me, like there was a book that came out after Lean In, like after Sheryl Sandberg's book came out.

And there was this woman who was like, okay, you're saying Lean In, but like why – sometimes it's easier said than done. And this woman who was like a researcher at Stanford wrote this book that was basically like a lot of times she'll see women coming out and men coming out. Guys are just like, I'm going to go for it. If I fail, I'm going to go for it again. And the women are like, well, I'm going to train and I'm going to go. Like they feel like they. It's the imposter syndrome thing. Yeah.

Yes. I wish that I had the balls to just be like, fuck it, girl. You booked the job. You got flown to New York for SNL. They gave you this one. They gave you the job. They're like, just fucking go do it. Just go do it.

Like, I wish I had known there was no reason to delay and that it's okay to figure it out as you go. Like, I had the goods enough to get the job. Like, you'll fucking figure it out. Right, because that's why people are doing those improv schools anyway is to get those jobs. And any guy would have done it. You know what I mean? Like, any guy would have done it. It's like looking back, it's like, oh, Arden.

Like, I wish I'd had enough confidence. Like, it's enough. It's enough. No more class. Like like you got it you just just go do you wrote those you wrote those characters nobody else wrote those characters just go do do those characters and write another sketch of those you were waiting till you had the phd basically it was i regret anybody out there listening with self-doubt just and i think the world has changed with youtube and the internet and TikTok and just do

it. Just start doing it and just do it and do it and do it. And there's no there there. You're fine. Just keep doing it. Just do it. You're fine. It's such good advice. When you said no, did you have an agent and manager and did they argue with you and go, what are you talking about? Oh, good question. Yeah. Like, Arden have an agent or manager and did they argue with you and go, what are you talking about? Yeah. Like, Arden, come on. I said no. And then I went and fired my manager.

Oh, wow. How dare you get me a job? I'll tell you why I fired him. No, I'll tell you. He did deserve to be fired. I got myself the job because you know what? He didn't do shit. You know what he did? When I went to test for SNL, in the elevator, as I'm going to test, first of all, he didn't tell me it was going to be on camera.

I didn't know. He didn't tell me any. I didn't know what was going to be at the monologue spot, like full screen test. Like I didn't know. He didn't tell me any of that. And on the way there, the morning I was testing. It's best not to know. He told me tell me any of that. And on the way there, the morning I was testing- It's best not to know. He told me, hey, break a leg, kiddo. They already offered it to Amy, but the money might not work out. He told me that right before I tested. Oh, boy.

And that's why I fired him. I was like, dude, I didn't need to know that. Then why would they have paid to fly me here if it wasn't an option? So I didn't need to know that. Yeah. Why am I here then? Right. Like, if there's no job, like, I've booked jobs actually afterwards. They told me the plan was we were going to hire this other person and then we liked you. So we, you know, like, I have gotten jobs I've been told that I wasn't the initial pick for. And so to me, I didn't need some dude telling me that they didn't want me right before I tested.

So I fired him. Well, you had at least had enough self-confidence to do that. That was an act of self-love. Hell yes. Hell yes. And you, I mean, as an artist, because you have really done so many different mediums. I mean, you wrote a memoir. It just came out in paperback.

Oh, amazing. Paperback release. If people were like, oh, the hardcover's too heavy. So heavy. This is like malleable. You can bend it. Put it in a tote bag. You can throw it in a cute tote. It's a cute book. You can rip it into thirds and parcel it out that way. Oh my God. Whatever you need to do with that book, go for it. Well, how was it writing a book? I mean, as somebody who loves collaborating that you've described, was it hard to dive into doing something by yourself?

Oh, doing a book is a journey. I mean, it's like so exciting. You're like, yay, I sold a book. Like, oh, fuck, I've got to write a whole book. Shit, shit. So much writing. Because I am definitely like a sprinter, not a marathon gal. It's a lot of words.

And it's also like a big thing to organize the structure. Yeah. It's unlike anything I've ever done. And it was, I say this now because it's done and like I'm proud of it. But like the process is hard. I mean, it's no writing a whole book is it's definitely between you and your own your head's own worst fears about yourself. Like it's right. So to me, again, I'm all about tricking my inner critic. So that's why, like when I get an audition, I do 15 times.

So like in the beginning for me with this, it was like you wrote 15 books. I wrote 15 books. And then I was like, OK, this is my favorite book. I was like, OK, start with the word count. Start with the word count. And I did not start at page one. I started with like start with the shittiest chapter that there's really no pressure on. Just start with like the smallest, lowest stakes chapter.

That's like a like chapter 11 or chapter 14. Kind of like filler chapter. Start with a filler chapter, like sneak into the dorm windows. And so I would have to do, I would set a timer. Have you heard of the Pomodoro technique? Yes, I have. I've heard of Pomodoro, the pasta sauce. The tomato. It's a tomato. The pasta. Somebody told me about it. There's like a PDF that it feels like it was made in like 1972, but it's online. It's like a three-page PDF.

But basically they figured out, like these researchers figured out that people get things done best in 25-minute increments. And then not an hour, not 15 minutes, it's 25 minutes. And so the guy had a timer that looked like a tomato. So he called it the Pomodoro technique. And you need to be able to see your timer. This sounds very scientific. But I get so ADD.

So basically, you turn off your internet, you turn off your phone, you can't go get snacks. For 25 minutes, your ass is in the seat doing whatever it is you're a little tasking. I'm already out. You lost me at no internet. And then so I – And then snack. No snacks. But then you could get your snacks at your five-minute breaks.

Right. You could snack and tack it out. And so I would commit – I would start with one a day and then just try to get like – so I would commit to like, okay, I'm going to try to do like a thousand words today. I've heard that. Bang out a thousand words. Yeah, just bang out a thousand. So I started with – Don't judge it.

Don't reread it. Right. I started with just 1,000. So I started with – Don't judge it. Don't reread it. Right. I started with just the page count. And then once like – I had to do between 60 and 80,000 words and I ended up doing 73,000, which shocked me. Wow. Once I hit the word count, then I like printed it all out. I sort of rearranged some of the pages and then I did chapter by chapter cleanup. That's when the real writing began of like – it's the equivalent of I've done my 15 times of my audition. This was like, okay, I went to Michael's Crafts. I bought the felt and the

glitter and the glue. And now I've got all the fucking material. Ready to make the float. And now let's just like clean it up like one chapter at a time. And then I have a writing partner that I do scripts with. Once I had it sort of cleaned up, I would like hire him, let him read it, and then we would read it out loud and like go through and like clean it up together. And that's how I did it. Reading out loud is a good trick too. Dude. I mean. It's brutal though.

It's hard. And it's hard. It's brutal. Dude. Yeah. It sounds brutal. It was brutal. But you've got to force yourself yeah a real

trust relationship with your partner yeah can i ask you one thing else about a memoir which i you can ask me anything curious about how do you deal with the feelings of all the live people are still alive who you're that was hard i was really nervous i mean look i'm such a people pleaser and this is a lot about the name it It's called Little Miss Little Compton. And I'm from a town of 3,000 people called Little Compton. And I'm like, and it's about my family, you know. And so I was really scared. And I had a friend who, like my fanciest friend who's, who's like, like my fanciest writer friend, my friend Tom Diggs, he was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for a play.

And he just told me, he was like, Arden, be brave in your writing. Just write the book that you're too afraid to write. And then in the rewrite, check your motives. Like why is it in there? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Like do you have to put it in? Is it something you need to ask permission for? And

then like, also remember it is your story and you're allowed to tell your story and some people may not like it and you're an adult. There was a few people I asked permission for things. I asked my brother who in advance, if he like was wanted to read it, he no and um and you said are you sure would you sign this paper please yes and then but i was terrified i mean i had sleepless nights about that with the town and i had a few friends who'd had memoirs come out i mean that really was a terrifying thing for me and yeah my friend said it more of the people that I'm not super tight with, you know, that were like funny people in the town. Like the people that were big characters, I asked permission about most of the stuff. The people in the town, my friend said, she was like,

Arden, she's like, no one was mad when I did mine. And this was, it was Sarah Colonna and Jen Kirkman both said to me, people are so excited to be seen. Everyone wants to be seen and remembered. They want to matter. They want to be remembered and they are so proud. She's like, I had a guy that I wrote so terribly about. And he was like, oh, my God, I'm in a book. She called me a fucking asshole.

Yeah. So basically she was like people are like so self-centered that they just are so excited and proud that it's almost like if you tell people that you do comedy, I'm sure you have this. People are like, you can take this. You can use this. It's like, trust me, I'm never going to take this. But like, I was like, you can steal this.

You should, like, people want to be documented. And so I found at least to my face nobody was upset. And I i was shocked that's all that matters because if you read it like and then my brother he's so nervous he was like everyone's gonna be so pissed like everyone's gonna be and like nobody said anything we don't have a stoplight and we do technically have a stoplight yeah so that was it was interesting yeah that's really stressful but i was like i would encourage like the only like nothing good is done out of fear right you know what i'm saying like

particularly with comedy like you can't make something really fun and great if you're also terrified you just can't so like what would you write if you weren't afraid of what people were going to say? And then I thought it was good for the personal stuff of check your motives. There was certain stuff, you know, like my dad was a tricky, a salty dog. And like as many female bad dads make entertaining dogs. And so it was also like giving the gist and not the war stories. You know what I mean? And I remember there was a reporter who read it who was so mad at me.

He was like, your father, you really should have. I was like, the guy's dead. That's not what this book is. This is not Angela's Ashes. I do not need to like. Settle scores. Oh, the reporter was mad that you didn't go far enough. He wanted me to really stick it to my dad.

And it was like. Sounds like he's got daddy issues. Yeah. I just felt like, you know, it's your story. And also know what the book is. Like, this isn't that book. I think giving enough of a peek behind the curtain of, like, the gist of it. Like, you get the idea.

But this is my story. This isn't his story. And, like, you get the idea. And idea and like then it becomes a completely different book and right it was you wanted to pass the bechdel test yes not make it all about him and it was interesting though like doing press for it how that's only a small part of the book but how some people only wanted to talk about him and it's like that was even even with just like a little sprinkling of him. You're like, like that sort of was like, really? That's the only thing you want to talk about is my bad dad.

Trust me, it's not unique. Like it's not a unique situation. He's worried his children will write about him. True story. Well, Arden, we have to wrap up with you, but before we go,

just, are there any other personal favorite Conan memories that you have? Well, we, we didn't really get into this, but you talked in your interview when you came back to Conan the first time about having seen him naked. Oh my God.

I forgot about that. I did. I, I didn't see him fully naked. Did I see him fully naked? Or you saw him changing, I guess. That's that. I did. I didn't see him fully naked. Did I see him fully naked? You said in his underwear. Or you saw him changing, I guess. That's right.

I saw him in his, I think he was in like tighty-whities. That tracks. That does track. I think he was in tighty-whities. That's right. I had to go deliver something. I forgot. And I opened the door.

Boxer shorts. And I think he, no, he had on like, I think he had like on like tighty-wears. Oh, boy. And he was in there. And I like, it was like, oh. And then I like, you know, like crept backwards out. I was like, oh, my God. It was a, yeah, a very tall, pale gentleman in tight like briefs.

Like, and I'm like, oh, my God. That just happened. That just happened. He's so pale, you're like. Yeah. my God. That just happened. That just happened. He's so pale. You're like, I think those are underpants. I could have told him. Maybe he's nude. He might have been naked, yeah.

He might have been nude and just like fashioned like a Ken doll. There's no fissure in the back. Smooth like a pear. That's right, yeah. I mean, it was so long ago my brain i do remember always every night somebody's job was to put out lauren's like like simon pierce pilsner glasses popcorn and amstel light with his they had to put like there was like a monitor and his his backstage and his chair. And it had to be freshly popped popcorn, Simon Pierce Pilsner glasses, and Amstel Lights. And he never, it was like waiting for Godot.

Oh, and he never showed up. He never came. He never came. Can we have the popcorn now? He's not showing. Because I think that he could probably watch it on like the- On the feed, yeah. Yeah, he could just watch it on the feed in his office.

Sure. Like he was at SNL doing his other show. So I'm sure he was just watching. But it had to be set up every night. And I remember one person accidentally like sitting in it. Like you just couldn't – It was like roped off area. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was right in the back. Yeah, I do remember that. That's so funny. Mm-hmm. Yeah, those were – I mean, again, my brain. No, you've told us so much. And honestly, thank you so much. I feel like you've really demystified a lot of your creative processes, which is so useful. And it's something we love talking to creative people about. Yeah. Thanks.

And so much of it applies to so many different projects you've worked on. I think a lot of it is really like the sweat equity in the beginning, like just like the stuff that nobody wants to do, like the unsexy stuff, so that then you can get to the magic of like just build the foundation so then you can go play. And like nobody wants to do it, and if you have to trick your brain, you have to, I have to pay my friend. I can't do it on my own learning the lines. Like I have to trick your brain, you have to, I have to pay my friend. I can't do it on my own, learning the lines. Like, I have to set the timer. I will look online, like, and, like, I'll just keep going for hours.

So it's ways to trick my own, like, inner critic or my own ADD to, like, just, like, the only way through is through. But, like, the payoff is done is better than great. Just complete it. Just complete it. Just done is better than great. There are no shortcuts. No, there's no shortcuts. It's just roll up your sleeves and just get it over with badly.

But it's just a matter of like just sweat equity of putting it in so that then you get to go do whatever trash thing you want to do. I get to go watch Below Deck or like, you know what I mean? Or The Bachelor. Whatever your garbage is, like, yeah, I get to go watch The Bachelor. Like that to me, just like, just go do your homework so then you can go play. Right. Well, but it's also, it's nice to hear. I mean, I always appreciate when people are honest about the amount of work that things

take because I think we have this, there's a myth about the amount of work that things take because yeah i think we have this there's a myth about the artistic genius that just sort of shows up and it's like it's just coming through me like from a yeah a higher power yeah that's that's not no real and and a lot of people want to believe that so they can beat themselves up some more like oh they just have these magical abilities you know right well it's also even being realistic. Like, I have a friend who's a former model who literally cannot not be a series regular. Like, she'll go and she can do comedy. So she'll go to a guest spot.

She keeps saying no. And every single time, they're like, she does one episode and they're like, they made her. That's not my experience. Right. So, like, I have to do the 15th. Like, I have to go steal every job. Like I know I can put in the time to like at least be – if I'm going to stand a chance. If it's even actually an available job and not they already offered it to so-and-so but they're working out the money.

Like Polar's already got the job but you're going to steal it. Yeah. If there's actually an available job, like I know I can't control certain factors about who I am or the package I come in or whatever or what my voice sounds like or how old I am or what I look like. But I can control my preparation and I can control like what I bring to it. And then after that, it's out of my hands. And you have to let it go. It's not personal

like have i have a well-balanced life and like figure if you need to figure out other streams of income so you're not demanding your art like you know like so that you can have joy with stuff like just like in the beginning i think people think that they can't have a B job, like don't do it so you have to go get the job or your rent's not going to get paid. Like it's okay. There's no shame in having like a side hustle if you have to. Yeah. Yeah. Also great advice. And that makes you less thirsty in the moment. All of it. Yeah, all of it. Like whatever you can do to eliminate the thirst so you can go and be present and like just go do – be present, do a good job, bring some joy to it and be prepared and be on time. Don't be chaos. This is so much great advice.

Thank you so much, Arden. You're a delight. It's a pleasure. Can't wait to see what else you go off and do next. Oh, my God, Jessie. Mike, what a pleasure. Can't wait to see what else you go off and do next. Oh, my God, Jessie. Mike, what a delight. Well, people can get my book, Little Miss Little Compton, now in paperback. And then I host a very silly iHeartRadio podcast about the Bachelor franchise with comedians called Will You Accept This Rose?

Yes. And that's a job you're going to have the rest of your life because that show will never. It will never end. Oh, my God. Never go off. going to have the rest of your life because that show will never, never end. I used to, I used to get like four month hiatuses, like, and now is there just islands and they're doing a second bachelorette and then they did the music one and then they're going to do a C. So it was more like a seasonal thing for me. And now it's just never ending, which is fun. You're just doing all, you're covering all of them.

Yeah. Wow. I mean, I heart pays me to do it. Sure. And it's fun, but it's like, it used to be like January through August. And now I'm like, ooh, this is a large part of my life. Yeah. It's a little be careful what you wish for.

But it's fun. It's actually strange how many friends it's brought me. And it's the weirdest, like, it's like through this I've become friends with Doug Benson. Like, who knew? Like, the weirdos that watch. Like, Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries is coming to my garage on Wednesday. When you're making it okay for people to come out as bachelors.

Oh, exactly. That's true. Scott Ackerman is, like, a huge, you know, Carl Tartt is like in my garage it's like all these strange Barack Obama well thank you so much Arden thank you have a nice day bye

thank you Arden for joining us by the time this airs she probably will have a new book out. Yeah. So we'll have to update that. No thanks to us. We've only slowed her down. Hey, we've got a listener question. Yeah, here it is.

Hey, that's how it starts. That's not me. That's not me yelling. It could have been you, though. It sounds like you. Hey, can you tell us about the origin of the end of the show song? It's the part that's never on TV. Thanks, Ben Ratner.

Thank you, Ben, for that question. It's a good question. That's somebody who has obviously been to a live taping. Right. At the end of every taping. I don't know when Conan started doing it, like the late 90s or something. When the show was over, the band would play the end theme. And towards the end of that, once the stage manager would say, hey, we're all clear, he would sing a song he ad-libbed once called the end of the show song. He ad-libbed it the first time, but then every other time. Well, I hope he ad-libbed it because there's not a lot to it.

It's just like, it's the end of the show song. The part that's never on TV. I'm just wasting the studio audience's time now. Everybody wants to go home and get drunk. And then he'd just go. Yeah, yeah. Something like that. I'm sure I haven't done it justice, but that's it. The origin of it was just him, I guess, he had lived it one night.

The crowd loved it. And so then he's like, okay, that's how I'm going to. And you know what? Conan's kind of a creature of habit, especially around the show. He likes certain little ceremonial things before the show. Like he likes certain little ceremonial things before the show. Routine, yeah. Yeah, things to kind of put his mind at ease.

Well, speaking of ceremonial things that he often did, at one point, well, obviously the string dance I would put into that category. Right. At the top of the show. Right, that became a nightly event. And then at one

point during the TBS show, he started inviting an audience member to come up. And then for some reason, somebody, I think, rubbed his nipple. Right. I think it was a guy. Or I thought he just started. Or maybe he started rubbing his own nipple. He would do the string dance. Yes. And then he felt like the string dance wasn't enough. Uh-huh. So he kept adding things to it. Yeah. So he'd pull his jacket open and wet his index finger. Wet the index finger and then put out the fire on the nipple.

That's what it was. Exactly. Yes. Because it was sizzling. And then he started having audience members come up. And then an audience member would come up and also rub the nipple. Right. And it was. Exactly, yes. Because it was sizzling. And then he started having audience members come up. And then an audience member would come up and also rub the nipple. Right, yes. And people knew what to do.

It was like, they just, without any, it's almost instinctual, I think. Yeah, and you know, it's unusual to have your incident of sexual harassment on video like that, where night after night, yeah. You can bring it right to an attorney's office

i did a ad parody for a lawyer's office oh right for people who had been forced to touch conan's nipple yes and suffered mesothelioma as a result after that they were so traumatized they couldn't ring doorbells like all all the things they couldn't do anymore. Yeah, without being triggered. I'm going to do a sad parody, and he'll stop doing it after he sees this. No, but it just got the, it put the word out, so more audience members knew what to do. Yeah, it didn't change anything. Yeah.

Oh, you know, getting back to the end of this show song i saw a clip of it once and i i it's not on like team coco but it's out there on the internet i think it was from the tonight show but the great thing about is it is uh you see conan singing it to the audience and they're standing at attention trying to get recognized by the audience in the foreground, is Jordan Schlansky. Oh. It's a great rare sighting of him. Oh, perfect. In action.

We end up talking about Jordan a lot. I feel like we're trying to lure him back on the show. Have we been talking? When else have we talked about him? We talked about him another week. Oh, when we talked about Cortona. Oh, right, right, right. I felt that was more a discussion of the city of Cortona.

That's true. Well, I don't know if we right, right, right. I felt that was more a discussion of the city of Cortona. That's true. Well, I don't know if we could get him, but... I don't know either. You know, if people want us to talk to Jordan, I'm sure we could make that happen. Hmm. Yeah. Sounds like a threat. I think we should, if we're going to do it, we should do it in Cortona.

Oh, yeah. Don't you think? I mean, we can ask... I agree. I assume Team Coco would be willing to pay. They must have that in the budget. Right. And I think listeners would know, oh, wow, they're really in Cortona.

It's really making a difference. Yes. For this audio experience. So if you're listening to this and you're a fan, please demand that Team Coco fly us to Cortona. Right. With or without Jordan. That's optional. Jordan can still be here. But we need to us to Cortona. Right, with or without Jordan. That's optional. Jordan can still be here,

but we need to be in Cortona. Or even just one of us, and we'll pull straws and see who gets to go. Well, thank you for that obscure question. But we do need more questions. And in fact, we are running low on voicemails. So don't be shy. Yeah, we want to play voicemails just to mix it up. Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah. We like hearing your voices. It makes us feel like you're real humans. And the number is 323-209-5303. So please, don't be shy. Give us a call. And I'll still give you the email. It's insideconanpod at gmail.com.

Right. And you know, you can also rate the show. 20 stars. Uh-huh. And as always, our theme is by John Williams. I don't think a lot of people know that. That's right. One of his lesser hits. Please leave us a review and tell us how to get out of this episode. We like you. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jessi Gaskell. Produced by Sean Doherty. Our production coordinator is Lisa Byrne.

Executive produced by Joanna Solotaroff, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. Engineered and mixed by Will Becton. Our talent bookers are Gina Batista and Paula Davis. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best. It's the Conan Show. Put on your hat.

It's the Conan Show. Try on some spats. You're going to have a laugh. Give birth to a calf. It's Conan. This has been a Team Coco production.