Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Behind the Scenes: Monologues, Music and Melbourne

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

Conan monologue writers Brian Kiley and Laurie Kilmartin join Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell to talk about jokes that got cut from this week’s show. Then, Mike and Jessie have a conversation with Conan music director Jimmy Vivino, who has been with the show since 1993, and do a follow up from a previous episode with guest Chris Gethard. Plus, Australian stand-up comedian Rhys Nicholson stops by to chat right before making his American TV debut on Conan.This episode is brought to you by CLR (www.clrbrands.com), FabFitFun (www.fabfitfun.com code: insideconan), and Daily Harvest (www.daily-harvest.com code: insideconan).Check out Conan Without Borders: Australia: https://teamcoco.com/australiaCheck out Conan25: The Remotes: https://conan25.teamcoco.com/Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hi. Hi to you as well. I was talking to them, but hi to you, Mike Sweeney. Hello, Jesse Gaskell. Yes, that was a test to see if you knew my name. I knew it. It took me a second, and then it all came flooding in.

We're the hosts of this podcast you're listening to. And it's titled Inside Conan. An important Hollywood podcast. Because it's recorded here in Hollywood. Well, Hollywood adjacent. Right. Technically Burbank. Technically Burbank. Literally Burbank.

Yeah. But we bring you behind the scenes of The Conan Show and all the freaks and geeks who work here. Yes. This week, really behind the scenes. This is truly behind the scenes. Yeah. We are talking to our two monologue writers, Brian Kiley and Laurie Kilmartin. About jokes from this week's show that got cut.

Yes. So they get a second life here on our podcast. These are real gems. And then our music director, Jimmy Vivino. Who's been with the show since 1993, and he's- Since before it was a show, yeah. Yes, exactly. He's got a lot of stories and also we talked to him because we want to do a little follow up

after our interview with Chris Gethard about Mr. Vivino's brother. Yeah, Floyd Vivino. There's sort of a connection there. We're doing some matchmaking. Yes, we are. Hopefully. So stay tuned to hear how that plays out. And then our comic this week that was on the show, Reese Nicholson.

From Australia. Yeah, we had him on our live show in Sydney. And he made his American TV debut this week. Right. And he killed. He did great. And he came on right before the show. Yeah, so he didn't even know that he had killed yet at that point.

He was very nervous. We just wanted to distract him from having to do the show. Yeah, so we have't even know that he had killed yet at that point. He was very nervous. We just wanted to distract him from having to do the show. Yeah, so we have a lot to cover. Let's get right into it. Well, hey, guys. We have two other writers with us. Brian Kiley and Lori Kilmartin. It's a pleasure to have you guys here.

Sure. It's great to be back. Thanks for getting us out of the pitch meeting. Yeah, we did that's we take turns rotating that's how we get writers to be guests we're like they'll be like i don't want to do it it'll be when the pitch meeting is scheduled you know i'm available to do this show three days a week why do you think jesse suggested? And you're both monologue writers, which we should maybe explain what that is to the layperson and my mom. We're like junior writers, is that?

They're apprentices. You write basically the quick setup punchline jokes that come traditionally at the top of the show. And you also write a lot of the sketch stuff, too. They do, yeah. But you're a real special. A little bit. A little. We pitch a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We clog up an inbox like nobody. But you're masters, long-time masters of the monologue form. That's our main focus. Yeah. And Brian, how long have you been with the show? 25 years. Wait, I'm sorry, what was been with the show? 25 years Speak up

25 years Why are you embarrassed about that? Well To do the same thing But that means you're really good at it It shows a lack of creativity Or imagination Does that mean you have lifetime WGA insurance?

You don't have to answer that. I think you do. You do, right? Okay. You could torch this place and walk away from it. Good, I know. It makes you an honorary Canadian. Well, and one thing I think is really interesting

that a lot of people probably don't know is just the volume of jokes. I mean, I think the volume of material in general that gets written for the show that does not make the air is astounding. Yes. I always have a theory that nothing's ever gotten on. We've all just been pitching stuff for years. Yeah.

Dreams like that. Or nightmares. When people ask about the monologue, I always point that out. Because I agree. To me, it's incredibly interesting. And people are always shocked. Like back when Conan was doing around 10 jokes a day, there would be probably over 150 monologue jokes written. Yes, at least.

A day. Every day. And it would get cut down and cut down. And I think that's a mind-boggling statistic. It is. That is a lot of jokes. So it's not like you're each writing five jokes. No.

You're each writing how many dozens? Can we talk about the Tonight Show? Is that okay? Sure. Yeah. When he was doing that, because the Tonight Show had this tradition of doing a long monologue. When Conan was, yeah. He would do like 13 to 15 jokes or whatever.

Yeah. So you would just write all day, had this not my stomach it was never enough every single day and the amount it was just endless and how many monologue writers were there at that point there were six i think yeah wow right wow right and there the show is five nights a week five nights a week and that extra night is like now you have Friday to kind of recover. And prepare. And prepare for the following week. And you were just Friday night.

You're like, oh, my God. So it's really a good thing that the Tonight Show didn't work out. It sounds awful. Guys, I tanked it. I feel sorry for Jimmy Fallon. But I was probably writing 50 jokes a day. Yeah. At some point, your brain goes blank and you, you know. But I was probably writing 50 jokes a day. Yeah. Wow.

At some point, you're just, your brain goes blank and you, you know. And I really, the best I ever had, one day I had seven jokes on and I still went home and felt like a failure because we didn't have enough. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's where you go, okay. Yes. This hole's never going to be. This isn't about me. Yeah. I think you told me once, and I don't think you were joking, when there were breaks, vacation weeks, you would not pick up a newspaper or listen to the news.

If I walked by a newsstand, it could say World War III began. Right. Not interested. Yeah. I really had to stay away. If the war's still going on next week when we're back, then I'll learn about it. I'll catch up on Sunday. Well, and yeah, so most of the monologue, it's usually topical. still going on next week when we're back. Then I'll learn about it. I'll catch up on Sunday.

Well, and yeah, so most of the monologue, it's usually topical. So starting in the morning when you wake up, can you kind of map out your day for us? Well, it's different now because there's just two of us. And the monologue is a lot shorter now. And I think Conan's more interested in doing one topic for the entire monologue. So we sort of write without his input for a little while, and maybe a couple jokes will catch his eye, and then he'll be like, all right, let's do that. And then we'll write maybe the rest of the afternoon on that topic. On one topic. We try to guess what he's going to be talking about. And sometimes it's like, okay, was the Oscars the night before, or Trump's in England? Sometimes it's obvious, and sometimes it's like, I don't know.

There isn't one thing that jumps out. Some news stories are not worthy of two jokes. Sometimes we have days where it's like, how are we going to get three or four jokes out of this? Out of the broccoli shortage. In the old days, we would just... That's something you don't joke about. All those jokes were on a zillion different topics.

And now we try to find one or two things that, yeah. It's weirder because it is a little harder at the end of the day to be like, all right, let's return to this subject one more time. And I've looked at it 90 times already to see if there's any other angle I haven't already considered. Yeah. That's true. Now news is so, it's just the news cycle is so insanely fast. Yeah. That most jokes, it's like, well, if we don't do it tonight, it'll be old by tomorrow. Whereas I think years ago, wouldn't things maybe like, oh, we could do that again tomorrow. And I also think with Trump, he keeps changing, like he does some new thing that makes the thing from two weeks ago seem old.

The riff on him, yeah. Yes, two hours ago. Yes, it's constantly changing with him. It used to be where a politician would make a mistake and everyone could fixate on it for a week. Right. And now it gets, like you said, maybe a day, and then there's another new incredible mistake. Yeah.

And then it's weird if you're still fixating on the old thing. Yeah. And so are you both steeped in news most of the time? I mean, do you wake up and listen to the radio or start listening to podcasts? Or, I mean, is it just constant? Like, are you constantly ingesting news? Premises. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. I do have to say, like, if I come home and the news is on, it's like, please no. You know what I mean? Right. I just don't want to have that stuff in my head at all times. Well, yeah, because I think especially right now, I feel like that's a little bit of a negative externality for a job is that you're just so often your brain is in this really kind of negative place. Yes.

Right. That's true. Yeah. In the morning, I'm more interested. And then I was listening to the daily, and I'm like, I can't do deep dives anymore. I mean, even for our jokes, they aren't deep dives. Like, we have to keep it shallow anyway. And part of me is like, it's awful, and I'm totally going to vote in 2020.

They don't need, I can't take this knowledge. It's painful. Right, and I love the daily too. But also, there are some times where it's like, I was listening today, it was about HIV or whatever. It's like, well, we're not going to do anything

about that. You know what I mean? So, you know, like, give it another pass. If there's no comedy to the news,

then you let it go. Yeah. Well, a lot of, for years, I know that people would be like, looking for premises,

like, don't use the New York Times just because it's too because it's too substantive. Exactly. And in-depth. And you can be in the weeds very quickly. You have to keep it. There you go.

Drudge headlines. Right, right. People magazine. The New York Post. Yes. Now we're talking. Premise central. Daily Beast is a good online resource

for kind of dumb headlines too where just you know just they give you they give you just enough where you can just the click bait yes yes and you

if you can understand a Daily Beast headline the audience will understand the premise and then you're good to go I do remember him coming out and talking about

Julian Assange when the first and just everyone's eyes just glazed over and it was like, oh, they didn't remember. So it's like, oh, okay. A reminder that our show is not the daily show. Well, yeah. And tell us about that.

Cause there is that I think it's, it's really easy when you're, you're seeing all the news and you're writing from so many angles on it that your perspective on the news is much different from just the mainstream persons. So how do you find that you write for someone who's walking in off the street and doesn't have the same breadth of knowledge that you have? Well, I guess we've seen Conan go out with jokes that are maybe assumed knowledge and seen them bomb. And then we go, oh, let's do that again.

Yeah, that's true. Sometimes he'll double down. There was a joke tonight that got cut that there was a little debate about that maybe you guys could read at one point. Wasn't it yours? Yeah, do you want me to? Sure. All right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. This joke was Wasn't it yours? Yeah. Do you want me to? Sure. All right. Yeah, yeah.

So, I'm sorry. This joke was cut from the show. Yeah. But we're thinking about maybe someone brought up tweeting it tomorrow. Yeah. So. Better step on it, guys. Yeah.

Well, yeah. It's so weird to read monologue jokes. It's probably not going to seem funny. It's come out that Prince William and Kate Middleton are trying to avoid being photographed with President Trump. Apparently, they're getting a lot of advice from Tiffany Trump. And there was the thing of, do people know that Tiffany's not— Is kept out of the—

Right. Is kept out of the— Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we decided— And that was a little debate. Yeah. We decided—it was decided that maybe not enough people would get it, you know, or would know that— But I do think the Twitter audience would get it.

Well, then you get the debate of, do you worry about necessarily the people in the studio audience, or do you just worry, do you do it for the people you want to impress at home? But as a performer, you want every joke to get a

laugh, and if it doesn't, that affects how you as the performer do the next joke and stuff. That's how fun the show is to even do. And also the perception of the people at home watching, even if they're thinking, oh, he's bombing, even if they like the joke or got the joke. Right. Every time, like I've seen a comic bomb on a TV show and I always think, oh, this audience is dumb.

I never, unless I didn't like the comic, you know, but if I liked the joke, I never blamed them. I'm always rooting against them. But you are both stand-up comics working. You are, yes. You do many, many gigs a week, both of you. So you're coming at it from a comic perspective. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Right. I don't know

what someone who isn't a comedian thinks. But if I would do a stand-up on a show and a joke didn't work, I'm not thinking, well, the people at home, I'm sure. Right, right. You know what I mean? No, you feel like you just got stabbed. Yeah.

And when you know that experience and you're watching someone, you kind of, a comic on a show, and you can tell almost the look on their face when something isn't getting what they're used to getting. Oh, yeah. They literally almost blink and it's like, uh. Yeah. But they got to keep going.

Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes you can tell it's a terrible crowd and you're like, oh. Yeah. You feel bad because you know that that stuff normally kills. Yeah. Andy Kindler was on the show once. I love Andy.

He's like a concerted comedian's comedian. But he was on and it wasn't going well. And he just stopped and pointed to a man in the audience. He goes, that man hates me. And I was just like, I'm your fan for life. Just for doing that. And it was you he was pointing at. Exactly. I was scowling.

I remember it wasn't going well and he, and he went, I smell rerun. I joke, only the show producers get it. Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Kindler. Oh, no, he's not here. Well, and I want to ask, yeah, because you both are stand-up comics, and you both have very funny Twitter accounts, too. So how much recycling gets to happen if you have like we were saying you know on a really busy day you you're writing dozens of jokes and only a couple of them are getting chosen do you get to then recycle those

jokes anywhere else you know like i used to do joke dumps where I just tweet everything that Conan didn't pick that I thought was good. Sometimes it was just one a day. I don't know. I guess post-Trump, jokes just don't seem – I don't know. It just – Twitter feels more visceral now and not as fun. Right. And so almost when you're being funny, it's like using Twitter language as opposed to just a joke that is obviously a monologue joke. It almost feels –

That seems like a – from a naive, earlier time. From a different era. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Twitter. Twitter kind of evolved into its own thing that's really different now. And I try to keep my Twitter account evergreen just because sometimes people go – when you go – something – things change so much that you look at something a week later or a month later and you're like, who was that again? Yeah, that's true. So I try not, I mean, I'm tempted sometimes if there's one I really like that you didn't pick, but I almost feel like it's a passive aggressive move.

I'm like, oh yeah? Yeah. Well, these people like it. I'm going to get 28 likes. Yeah. That's pretty good for me. Well, and Brian, you have such a specific voice.

I mean, you both do. You both have very specific comedy personas. Maybe you can just talk to people a little bit about how you transition from writing for yourself to writing for

someone else's voice because Conan's delivering the jokes that you write. Early on, people are always like, well, what happens if you have a joke that you really like? Do you keep it for you

or do you give it to him or whatever? And I always just give him all the topical stuff. Yeah. You know? He's accused you of hoarding. It's like, oh, you guys give me this crap. That's true.

He does accuse us of that. But he also doesn't do personal jokes. He doesn't. Yeah, exactly. That's true. He doesn't do jokes about your wife., exactly. Yeah. That's true. He doesn't do jokes about your wife. Or Lori's son. That's true.

Sandy's not trying to kill him. Oh, and Lori, we wanted to ask you, because did you just do the performances that were booked after your Stormy Daniels? Yes. Oh, great. Because the last time Lori came on the podcast, we were talking about your Twitter feud with Stormy Daniels. Right. The adult film star.

Yes. And then you had booked some gigs out of that. Well, she got booked at a comedy club. Yeah. And I was outraged because I know. Because she's not a comic. She's not a comic. I know.

And I know a million club owners who would much rather have a porn star at their club than a female headliner. Yeah. So I just sort of, I didn't tag her on it. I just was like talking to my followers. And she found it. So anyway, that turned into a thing. But I ended up getting booked at that comedy club. And so that was last weekend.

Oh, wow. Yeah. It was fun. It was fun. It was good. It was in Houston? It's Houston. It's a joke joint in Houston. The joke joint. Yeah. Yeah. It was fun. It was in Houston? It's Houston. It's a joke joint in Houston.

The joke joint. Yeah, it was fun. Did you split your pants? I did. Maybe subconsciously I was preparing to work at Stormy's Club. I wouldn't be embarrassing you by bringing it up. No, no, no. I had a pair of jeans on and they split right near the butt. And I sat in the seat, and I was like, I feel the leather of the airline seat.

We know you were flying first class. It was Southwest. So everyone had split pants. It was Southwest, so it was no big deal. But we stopped. We had a layover in Dallas at Dallas Love. And I bought a pair of incredibly stylish airport clothing. Oh, that's great. Did you, like, walk, crawl along the walls with your back to the wall to get to the store? Yeah, I had a vest, which doesn't, of course, tie. Ah, okay.

But I happened to be traveling with my son. He was going to visit his brother who lives in San Antonio. So during the first leg, we were together on the flight and I grabbed his Minecraft hoodie and put it around my waist. Oh, he's on brand. Walked over to this women's clothing store at Del's Love. So you have a pair of sweatpants with long horns on the bottom. Yeah, something I'll never wear again

that I paid $100. Don't say that. You won't get booked in Houston again. Well, it was all Dallas paraphernalia because I was at Dallas Love. Oh, especially, right. Yeah, I couldn't even wear it at the game. No, no, no.

Do we want to have them read more jokes? Yeah, you might as well. Yeah, why don't we, while we're here, let's go through them. Well, yeah, there were some really funny jokes that got cut from the monologue the last few nights. Yeah, the last few nights. And we put them on a piece of paper. We have that ability here.

It's probably weird for you both to deliver the jokes because this isn not, this isn't your act. Yeah, and we try to definitely write in Conan's voice and his cadence and with him in front of an audience. And also we're ready for him to drop the joke at any time and start just goofing off. You know what I mean? So the jokes have to be. Or start shitting on the joke.

Yeah. They have to be able to handle all that stress. That's true. So you're saying our idea to have you read your jokes out loud isn't a great idea. It's painful, but we're willing to do it. Could you do a Conan impression? There you go. Okay.

Okay. So yesterday, a large anti-Trump protest took place in Glasgow and Edinburgh, Scotland. Scottish people in both cities yelled things about Trump that no one could understand. It's killing it here. And then in Texas, a customer at Walmart was sold a cake made out of styrofoam. When told she could exchange it, the Walmart customer said, but I already ate it. That's very in your wheelhouse. It is.

I get pinned on doing all the fat jokes, which I haven't been able to get any on in years. Society's changed. Well, they've gotten more subtle. They've just gotten more sophisticated. That's true. And in the punchline, you say Walmart again to emphasize it's a Walmart customer. He's vicious, guys. Always pile driving. Besides, it's a Walmart customer. He's vicious, guys. He will not let you off. Always pile driving.

A man looking for financial advice spent $4.5 million to have lunch with Warren Buffett. Buffett's first piece of advice was stop eating lunch with me. Yes. Great. This is great. I love these jokes are getting an airing. Me too. On our podcast.

Well, people will hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, say this joke and then we'll do it. Okay. So, Last Night's Jeopardy was the most watched episode in 14 years. I have to say it's very cathartic to finally watch a white man lose to an overqualified woman. Yay.

But this one also has controversy. That one got a yay from the one other woman in the room. So, it was like in the mix for the monologue and then someone said, oh, you should just tweet it. So, yeah. And it got so many likes. It's like 35,000. Yeah, it's doing great.

But some people pointed out that James Holzhauer is half Japanese, which I didn't know. I didn't know that either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, is he a white man? Is he, you know, that's, so that it's probably a debatable.

For the purposes of that joke, he's a white man. Exactly. The joke is about the woman. Right, right, right. So it's not completely different. We could have left out white man, I guess. Actually, you could have. Right.

Yeah, yeah. And had I known he was half Japanese, I would have. Thank God you didn't know. Yeah. Well, now what we do is anytime we do a joke about someone, we do 23andMe first. It's very time consuming. But so what's the sort of Twitter, I mean, are people mad or are they just being, you know? You know how Twitter is. Well, actually. Well, actually, yeah. It's a lot of reply, I mean, are people mad or are they just being you know, well actually.

Well actually, yeah. It's a lot of reply guys. Reply guys, I just learned about that. We have some probably in our midst. Well, this is great. Thanks for, I'm glad these jokes got told. Yeah, well I know a lot of people love to hear about the process and

I think it's also nice to give credit for all the unseen work that happens. And a lot of good jokes don't make it on the air. Really good, yeah. And I think most people would go batshit crazy, like, what do you mean you're not? But you guys, from doing this professionally, build up where you're just like, okay, well, let's get ready for tomorrow. I do feel like that in life. Everything now, I just go, okay. Get rid of that. You know what I mean?

You can't hold on. I know. Was there ever a point where you fought for a joke or where you were like, I need to dig my heels in on this because this is really going to work? More just the idea of him doing jokes. We kind of dig it. I mean, once it's sort of tainted in his mind, I feel like, then he, even if you fight for it, it's like, now is he going to tell it with the same exuberance?

Yeah. Right. I think we both know as performers, like someone will give you an idea for a joke and you either love it or you're like, and so, you know, you don't want to send somebody out there with that feeling of, you know, oh, they guilted me into telling this joke. If they personally, if he doesn't love it, you know, or like it, then. But also, I think, tell me if I'm wrong, when it's a joke that you actually wrote and it's being fought out in the room, you kind of want other people to stick up. Oh, yeah.

We're so silent about our jokes. Do you do that for each other? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we didn't sign a pact, right? Yeah, yeah. But if there's a joke that we think, that's a good one, that should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's done that for my jokes where I'm like silent in the couch, seeing who my enemies are in the room and not. I've done that for you too. Come on. But also, there is that thing of sometimes you push for a joke and then he does it and it doesn't work. my enemies are in the room and not and I'm done for you too but also I hate there is that thing of sometimes you push for a joke

and then he does it and it doesn't work and you're like oh I know I know yeah we've talked about the look

that he gives to Matt or to Sweeney he claims he loves it he loves that's his favorite moments he's like

yeah that's true because he gets to be mad at you guys but you know what there have been times where we talk him into doing a joke and it kills never hear a boo that's true. Because he gets to be mad at you guys. But you know what? There have been times where we talk him into doing a joke, and it kills. Never hear a boob.

That's true. Never hear a boob. That's true. And you bring it up, and he literally, it's like he didn't hear it. Incredible consistency. Well, I guess we better let you guys get back to the pitch meeting. That's right. It's still going.

It's still, it's just warming up, guys. Get up there and talk about Comic-Con. Well, thanks. Thank you so much. This was fun. Really fun. This was great. Thanks for coming on.

Thank you. It was cool. Thanks. All right. We're here with Jimmy Vivino. He is the... What is your exact title? I have to say this.

I have to put this out into the world. Yeah. A musical director. Okay. That means a director that has musical abilities. That would be you. It's music director. Okay.

Music director. Yes. And you'll see in so many places, and even on billboards. You'll see musical director. No. I don't see that on a lot of billboards. Wait, who even sees billboards? Is this a national? Wait, there are no billboards.

Well, you'll see it on credit rolls. You'll see it on Broadway. I think when you're a music director, these things jump out at you more. Sure, of course. A musical director is, no, that's a director that has musical ability. I see. Or it's the director

of the musical. So it's bad grammar. So now that I've wasted at least five minutes, I am the music director. You seem to have an innate understanding of this podcast.

I do, and I also have an, you know, like if you get me going on something, we can just, you know, go into that rabbit hole

of just complaining. We could do one year of shows tonight. And you've been with the show for how long? I'm in the 26th year, I believe. Mike, you are one year short of me, right? A few years short of you, please. Please, let's not pile on.

You're the musical director of The Conan Show. The musical director. I'm the music director. Oh, my God. Did I say musical again? Yes. I'm the music director. Oh, my God. Did I say musical again? Yes. I'm not. You have a college education.

I don't really. Oh, no. I don't. I have zero degrees. Oh, okay. Zero degrees is good. Yes, I'm the music director still, and a lot of people don't know that

because we have changed the format, and in that have no live band. And actually, the easiest and in that have no live band. And actually, the easiest and most fun part of my day is the only thing taken away. And it was playing for that last hour live. But the rest of the job hasn't changed a bit as far as writing underscore and writing for the committee. You compose for all the comedy bits. Yeah, and working with the writers every day compose for all the comedy bits. Yeah. And working with the writers every day.

And you know how that is, Mike. And Jess. Easy. You become a short order cook all of a sudden. Adam and Eve on a raft now. Requested 20 minutes before the show. Right. Which I think is reasonable. Yeah, because yes, because given too much time, we can rethink everything to death.

Right. We have to react in the moment. Too much time would imply a certain level of quality that I don't think we're ready to deliver on. No, we're not associated with. People won't even get it. They won't like it. They'll like it when it's a little more. A little low budge.

A little more like handmade. And that's something a good music or musical director can do. Or a music director that has musical abilities. I made you more personal. Could you be a musical music director? Yes, you can. Is that you? Okay.

Yeah, you can do that. And we do have, including yourself, we do have a lot of people, both of you actually, Jessie is a really good singer. She's fantastic. Yes, yes. And no, really. We did show you a few ones. She is my goat.

I love when she writes a bit and I say, why don't you sing it? And, of course, Mike has a really good knowledge of classical music and the kinks. I do not. And the kinks. I did know. He has really good taste in music. Why do I think opera when you – I don't know.

Do you listen to WQXR when you're in New Jersey and listen to the opera on your right on your uh when I only when I literally need to be in state lines of New Jersey okay the Montvallians yes I like I like the idea and I'm gonna I'm sticking with this story okay Mike you know Mike Sweeney is a classical music official and you're a musical director yes and loves the kinks. I do love the Kinks. Which is to me the most, and we can go now because that is the most disrespected of the great British invasion bands in my opinion. That's why I like them.

Oh, you think? Yeah. Oh, I think so. They get the least accolades of everybody. So underrated maybe. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

They're considered self-destructive. Yeah. You could blame them. Yeah. And, you know, and Ray Davies is the musical director of that band. That's true. That. Right. Yeah. They're considered self-destructive. Yeah. You could blame them. Yeah. And, you know, and Ray, Ray Davies is the musical director of that band.

That's true. That is correct. And he has a vast knowledge of Broadway, I think, you know, and pub rock or whatever. Somehow you intuited that we wanted to talk about the kinks on today's Inside Conan. Well,

why not? You know, I'm always ready for it. Well, so you've been with the show through a lot of iterations of playing in the band and then being the leader of the basic cable band and now the music director. But I've always been the arranger and writer for the band, even from day one. And you remember. I do.

And that was always part of my job. The job I love the most, actually, besides the playing live, is working with the writers on these wacky ideas. Because I come from a showbiz family. Right. And the depth of the writers we were getting to earlier, being good singers and very musical. Dan Cronin has an incredible ear for music. Yes. Uh, you know,

Dan can always tell you, uh, he can't tell you what it is, but he can tell you what it isn't. Which I, I respect it. Any feedback. Yeah.

And, and Jose can actually, you know, Jose can compose stuff himself as, as Dan can and a lot of other guys, but we, you know, everyone's so busy.

They all want to be rock stars. They all really do, and we adult, we let them sing. Well, Brian McCann, who used to be writing the show, we used to, it was a running joke that he would write the music and record it on guitar at his house the night before

and just bring in the recording, and that way he'd get all the residual money. Brian is also the guy that on his first appearance on the show in 1993, I believe, the first thing he did, he came out with a brown suit on. 96. Or 95. 95, okay.

He came out with a brown suit on, and he reached into the jacket, and he pulled out a paper bag, and he pulled out of the paper bag raw liver and said, this was opening joke, I just coughed this up this morning. Can somebody tell me what this is? And then went into his stand-up because that's the kind of show we had. That's a bold opener. Sure, it's a bag of liver in your brain.

What is this? And you remember guys like Dino and guys like Tommy Blotcha. Sure, yeah. They were on the edge of insanity, those guys. I mean, in life. Now we're like accountants here on this show. Yeah, we're heavily sedated. And so I'm a couple of no accountants, too.

But I do come from a showbiz family. We actually wanted to talk about your family and your background. So you grew up in New Jersey, as I think you alluded to, and you have five siblings? No, it's only three of us, three boys and a male dog and my mother suffering through all this. But your dad. My dad. Tell us about the music background. The thing about my dad was that he was one of the greatest musicians I ever heard, natural musicians.

He could sit down, he'd come home from the job and they were carpenters, you know, his family. So you can imagine having a family of carpenters and three sons that wanted to be in showbiz. I thought you meant the duo. No, no, no, not them. Contractors. Italian contractors. You know, we mixed a lot of cement.

And a bunch of artsy fartsy but he wasn't allowed to be a musician in his family of contractors and it was frustrating to him cause his uncle

ran the Plaza Ballroom in Patterson he had a big band and he was a successful musician and his other uncle Nick was a successful professor of music

that taught accordion and mandolin and all the Italian stuff. But when it came to my father's family, it was him and his brother and his brother-in-law and my grandfather, and they had a construction company. So he couldn't be a musician. So when he saw that we had any spark of interest,

he helped us nurture it. And also... Living a little bit vicariously through... No, no, but not that way not the way a stage parent does the only thing he would do before I would go for my trumpet lesson when I was like 9 or 8 he would make me play it for him

and if I wasn't any good he wouldn't waste the money on me, he called the teacher and then I would feel really bad today I take him to court for passive aggressive behavior, but in those days there was nothing wrong with embarrassing your child into and then I would feel really bad. Today I take him to court for passive-aggressive behavior. But in those days, there was nothing wrong with embarrassing your child into doing the right thing. Yeah. I would be so relieved to get out of the lesson.

Yeah. Well, no, that didn't work either. Take a dive every time. You know, I had my brother Jerry around me who was just natural like my father. Who was in the band. Yeah. Jerry played with me for 25 years here. Yeah.

And my brother Floyd, now we get into a whole other thing of a guy who took piano lessons and then decided he just wanted to play like Fats Waller and sing Jimmy Durante songs. Right. And his development as far as listening to music stops around 1950. Okay. So everything before that. So he used to play for me. He had like 3,078 in the basement.

Your brother. Yeah, he lived in the basement like a strange troll. He was the oldest. He's the oldest. He's the oldest and then Jerry and then me and Floyd would bring me down if I was listening to

Beatles or Stones or anything he would bring me down let me play you some real stuff and he would play me these 78's of Robert Johnson

and Sonny Boy Williamson and all these old blues guys and he would and piano players and say this is we're rock and roll Louis Prima

this is where it comes from and I'd be like he's crazy. Get out of here. Somebody help me. I'm stuck in the basement with my brother. I find now that he was right. And if it wasn't in the basement, he had the attic.

So he had the two extremes of the house. They had to keep him away from anyone that might come over. So upstairs in the attic, there were wind-up 78s and Edison machines and all kinds of things with horns and Edison stuff. Horns. And he would – what he would do would – we had this little reel-to-reel tape recorder and we would record a Marx Brothers movie or a Laurel and Hardy movie. And then he would choose bits from the movie and he would say tonight we're doing the the the auction from coconuts you know you be Chico uh Jerry you

be Harpo because you don't have to say anything and I'll be Groucho and Jerry had a horn you know and then we would run over that you know Granada Road stump uh you know map uh and and uh Chico going I've I've got lots of. He just keeps throwing numbers out there. And Laurel and Hardy bits hard-boiled eggs and nuts and all those. So we learned all this comedy stuff. And then I had this really, you know, the nervous leg

that kids have. It just keeps going like this. And the whole kitchen table, watch. See the way that's shaking? That would be happening at dinner. My father would grab my leg and say, we have to channel this energy. So he made me and my brother Jerry take tap dancing lessons. I was about nine. We were about nine and eight at the time.

All this to keep you out of the construction business. And Floyd said then, well, how come I can't dance too? So then we had a dance team. And in 1964, we danced at the World's Fair at the New Jersey Pavilion. Oh, wow. Wait, there was a New Jersey Pavilion? Yeah, yeah. And the great thing about the New Jersey Pavilion, you know what it was?

It was like wooden. From Bergen County to Essex County. Those wooden kind of rafts they put out on the lake. They're on barrels or pontoons. Yeah. Well, they had those. We had to dance on those. Wait.

This is at the World's Fair? This is the World's Fair, 1964, in Queens. I find out later that right next door at the Queens Pavilion, my buddy Al Cooper, who was, you know, played with Bob Dylan and everybody. Guitar, organ player. Yeah. who played with Bob Dylan and everybody. Guitar, organ player. He was him and my friend, his buddy, Harvey Brooks, a bass player. Very influential guys. They were at the Queens Pavilion on top of the carousel playing every day at noon. And we were dancing like a block away on these rafts, these pontoons,

doing like our West Side Story bit. And then we had this other bit where Floyd played the piano and Jerry played the clarinet and I played the trumpet. And, you know, my father always told me, you've got to be on Ted Mack's amateur hour. So you've got to learn to sing, dance, act, you know, play an instrument, just like those Osmond kids. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Because they were like really young then, and they were on the Andy Williams Summer Replacement Show back then. And that was like – And your dad was like, we can beat that. Yeah, you got it. We're going to Tony Grant's – We at least beat them up.

We're going to go to Atlantic City to Tony Grant's Cavalcade of Stars, and that's the kind of shows. Did your dad ever go, we should have had two more boys? No. Like five is the number you need to make it big. There weren't going to be any girls, so we needed some girls in the family. And then my brother Jerry, of course, he had

girls. And he has two boys also, but the three girls have all the talent. They have more talent than any of us do. You're talking about music. Music and art and everything. Tap dancing?

All the dancing. All of it. But they do, you know, Donna was in La Miz in the first, when she was five, she was on Broadway. Wow. And then she was Elphaba in Wicked. I never knew this because all your brother would ever talk about were the Yankees. That's right, yeah.

And I'd be like, is there any? Do you have children? He's like. Well, you know why I know about it? Because everybody would say to about it. We're the Yankees. That's right, yeah. And I'd be like, is there any? Do you have children? He's like... Well, you know why I know about it? Because everybody would say to me, hey, your daughter's doing great. And I'd say, that's my niece. That's my goddaughter. And he's got two more that are also...

We don't talk about. That just... No, they're amazing. The boys. We don't talk about the boys. They're like... There's the other two. One's a gym teacher.

You know, the other one worked at... But they're happy. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah, they're happy. They're working stiffs. They're lucky stiffs. And Floyd is still in the attic, right?

He's in total in New Jersey. He won't leave New Jersey. Okay, go ahead. He made a couple movies with Barry Levinson. Barry Levinson, Good Morning Vietnam, and one other one I can't remember that he did. He did a couple of movies, and Barry really liked them.

It was like, you've got to come to Hollywood. He says, I'm going to stay in New Jersey. I've got a gig. He would get a call, and they'd say, look, there's an audition. I have a gig that night at the Italian-American Club. On Route 46. Yeah, on Route 46 in Totowa. And he'd say, I can't skip that.

I'll look bad if I do that. Oh, no. And he's like, I can't skip that. I'll look bad if I do that. So he's got that jersey. I like that. He was a man of his word. He's a man of his word. And doesn't really, you know, he never really passed 1950. You know, all of his friends were, I was looking for old blues guys and rock and roll guys. And he was looking for vaudevillians.

And he was finding them. And, you know, vaudevillians and he was finding them and, you know, him and Pat Cooper go out and do gigs together now, you know, and, and they're two old Italian guys. Wow. And,

and so it's always been that. Pat Cooper's dead, isn't he? No, no, it may be, but Floyd's still working with him. That's talent.

And that's the dedication to a booking. Right. His tap dancing has suffered a little. So your brother Floyd, a.k.a. Uncle Floyd, doesn't like to leave Jersey. Like, would he even go to New York City? Like, let's say if someone invited him. He'd go to New York, but he hated it and he'd complain about it. You know, I gotta park, I gotta pay 40 bucks to park.

Okay. But he, you know, Floyd was, you know, he had a cult kiddie show. No, I know. I watched it. That, you know, the Uncle Floyd show. Right. And when he started it on UHF. Right.

This is before the FCC got hip to what cable was going to become. Right. He would go out and it's almost like, it's almost like a, it's almost like the producer's scheme of selling more, you know. Right. Where they sell like more than 100% of the show. Yeah. Everybody's, I got 90%. I have 80%. Well, he would go and sell time to local businesses for whatever he could get out of them.

Right. Cash. You know, say, hey, the Puppies and Peps, Ken's Magic Shop, whatever these places. And then he would go back and buy the time back from the UHF station for pennies and then hire a crew for not a lot of money. And he had then his troupe of crazy people, Lunas, Skip, Rooney, and Muggsy. Muggsy and Charlie Stoddard, all Jersey comedians. And he did well. He did really well.

And then we you know, we had this pictures on the wall and all of a sudden pictures on the wall were coming in from the Ramones. David Bowie sent a picture in. Right. And they would just,

and then he would start calling me, Floyd, and say, who are these guys? Oh, right. I got this. Oh, that's great. This Bowie guy.

You know, and we do a live show and David would come and come backstage with Tony Visconti to say hello. And Floyd would come up to me, get these guys out of here. We got a show to do. Wait, were you there? Oh, I was there talking to him.

Oh, my God. And I'm like all over them. And Floyd is like, we got a show to do. I don't care who these guys are. Get them out. And they loved it, though. Oh, Bowie was laughing. They probably thought it was an act.

Well, they loved being part of it. He's so convincing that he doesn't know who we are. They said heie was laughing. They probably thought it was an act. Well, no, but they loved being part of it. He's so convincing that he doesn't know who we are. They said he's so real. They didn't know how real this cat was. Wow. And then I got to meet a lot of people, the Ramones and David Johansson, Cindy Lauper. Everybody was on the show at that time.

All these people who your brother never heard of. The Beastie Boys sent a, and Floyd used to give me the records to listen to. Say, what do you think of this band? What do you think of these guys? They said, I got a beast. I still have it at home. It's like somebody took a couple of pieces of cardboard and taped them together and put the record in there, a little 45, and put like 41-cent stamps on it. And I guess it's Adam Yock's writing on there.

And it's the Beastie Boys in Brooklyn, the Brooklyn Address. And I never opened it up. It's worth more that way. It's worth more this way. And they never got on Address. And I never opened it up. It's worth more that way. It's worth more this way. And they never got on the show either because I never opened it up. Oh, my God. They were just starting at that point. Wow.

They were like a punk band at the time. That's probably their biggest regret is not playing. And I put, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I really hurt your career. Well, I love that your brother put all his money into UHF. That was like, I'm doubling down on that. Well, yeah, and then cable when it started. Right.

And then here's the, this is the irony of the whole thing. You know what made it fall apart? NBC. He moved to show to NBC. Yeah, NBC came along. They had already been doing, obviously, if you looked at like Julia Child, Dan Aykroyd doing Julia Child where she's cutting her finger. Floyd was doing that two years before that even.

As Dan Aykroyd. No, as Julia, as Danny Child. But they were being watched. A Floyd show was being watched by Lauren and other people. So NBC decided to, Lauren Green from Bonanza. That's better. I know that you can't mention the other one because the building will cave in here.

I don't think so. No, but Floyd went to NBC, and I can't remember the name of who the people were, but we went up there and the set was all spiffy. It was wrong. It was too good. And it didn't work. I don't know.

We did maybe a month worth of shows up there. We had the live band, everything. But it wasn't the same handmade. People could smell the – yeah, but it wasn't authentic. They had literally polished the turd, which you hear about. Sometimes a turd is really – is fine if it's a turd. People like the turd. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. So you worked at turd. People like the turd. Yeah, sure. So you worked at NBC a few years before the concert. I went up those elevators. And then when I went back there, I was like, you know, I went to NBC in 1967 the first time when my friend Jeff Venho was another trumpet player with me in the high school band. His father, Hal Venho, was the associate producer of The Tonight Show with Johnny when they were in New York. So we would go, because we were trumpet players, and we would go and hang out with Doc and watch the band rehearse. How old were you?

Probably 12 or something. Well, Doc probably heard about your stint at the World's Fair. Yes, he knew. So he's like, give me that kid. Doc knew. Doc told me, just get yourself a nice jacket. Because I learned that from Sammy Spear, which you would have to really know. The Gleason Show.

Now you have no idea what I'm talking about. We can put footnotes in. But anyway. Your brother doesn't even know these references. Who's he talking to? He's too old for me. How did we get to Sammy Spear and his orchestra? So we went up there.

We used to go up there. And then we would just hang around. And the bottom of, you know, it was really great in the old days. They had pastrami and things. And Dunhill was down there. And the basement of that Rockefeller Center was unbelievable for a kid that's 12 years old. And going up and seeing the Tonight Show rehearse was big for me because I was writing for – and within the next year, by the time I was in eighth grade, I was writing for orchestra and big band in high school.

So I was really into Doc's band and the arrangers and got to meet Tommy Newsome and Bob Brookmeyer and the guys that were playing that were great arrangers. You were 13 and you were writing and arranging? Well, sure. I got a book. Well, sure. Like anyone in seventh grade.

I don't think anyone's ever been more qualified for this job. I think Lincoln would have done that. He got the right book, but he got law books instead. Okay. You know what? It was funny because I was brought up listening to jazz and Broadway and all the Italian rock and roll you could digest. Dion and the Belmonts and the Four Seasons and that. And then the Beatles came along in 1964.

More Italians. And we sat there and, you know, we had to sit through Lawrence Welk's show first. Sure. And we didn't mind that. And then we had to sit through a lot of stuff to see Rock and Roll on TV. And you only got to see it once. Kids today might not appreciate that.

If you weren't there to make the appointment to be there at 8 o'clock to watch Ed Sullivan, you weren't going to see that Beatles show again ever. Yeah. So that's what's different now. It's taken for granted that, oh, I don't have to go out because I can watch it on YouTube. Whenever I want. But musically now, I know so many young people who like somebody and then they just deep dive.

They just burrow down. Check out the kinks, Mike. No, but they can just inhale. You've never seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, any kid given an advantage that uses it, it's a great thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yes.

You're saying the internet's a good tool. Well, it is a good tool. It'll never go the route of a library. When used for good. It'll never. Never. So a library. When used for good. Right. It'll never. Never. So, you know Chris Gethard?

Yes. He's been on the show as a guest. Yeah. And he had a talk show that was on Manhattan Cable for access for a long time. Like a cult comedy show. Yeah. And then it moved on to, was it Showtime? Oh, True TV? True TV, of course.

Oh, okay. TruTV, yes. Anyway, one of his great, great idols was your brother. Well, yeah, that wanted to make their own handmade show. Exactly. Yes. And so he's greatly influenced by Floyd, your brother. And all he wanted, kind of, he told us recently recently his number one wish was for Floyd

to come on his show and he'd ask and ask and ask and Floyd he claimed Floyd's manager does Floyd have a manager? well it would be

you know what the funny thing it was you it was you no it would be David Bird at this point who used to be one of the characters he used to be

he used to be walking out he used to be Artie Delmar he takes care of Floyd now. David Byrd has at least stepped into the 70s. Okay. Oh, good.

Yeah. Then we're trending in the right direction. But, you know, where does Chris do the show is the question. Well, he just started doing it again. He just, today announced he got a new TV show. Yeah. So he's going to start it back up. I think he's kind of, he's going to be showing, spotlighting a lot of other comedians. Yeah. So he's going to start it back up. I think he's kind of, it's, it's,

he's going to be showing spotlighting a lot of other comedians, but I'm assuming he'll appear on it as well. Anyway, his dream was to have your brother come on the show and he was telling us he was devastated. His brother, your brother never got back to him. And then eventually the manager said,

no, this bird guy. So is there anything? What else could he do? I can tell them. Let me tell you what happened with Jim Jarmusch, okay? Everybody knows who Jim Jarmusch is. I got a call from Jarmusch's office and he said, I'm doing this movie Patterson.

Oh, yeah. It came out last year. Yeah, I'm doing this movie, Patterson, and we've got this scene in the bar where we've got, behind the bar there's a wall of fame. Luke Costello, all these people from Patterson are up there, and I want to put you and your brother Floyd up there. He goes, but I can't get through to Floyd. Nobody will answer me.

And then when somebody did they said how much money they started like and I said let me talk to him I said he goes I don't know who this guy is Floyd's and that's my Floyd voice

it goes up I don't know who is this guy Jarmusch you know he should still be living off his UHF money oh well you know I guess he is he smokes a lot of cigars

so he blew he blew him no no I got him to finally agree but it was I had to twist his arm and tell him, look, it's good to be on the wall of Jim Jarmusch's movie. Yeah, you don't have to do anything. You just send him a photo. I mean, greater things have happened.

Come from that. Look at like Joe Strummer was in his movies and, you know, Screamin' Jay Hawkins was in Mystery Train. And, you know, John Lurie made a career out of it. Yeah. And Tom Waits, too. Yeah, down by a lot. Yeah. But he wouldn't know anything about that because he only saw movies up to 1950.

Go ahead. Yeah, what if Chris hid the request inside of a blues record? Oh, a 78. Yeah. I think that's a great idea. Maybe if he's got an Edison cylinder, you know, a wax cylinder, and just roll it up and put it inside there. We can get one from Props tomorrow. That's not a problem.

Oh, sure. We can get one tomorrow. No, tell Chris to talk to me. Give him my number. This would be fantastic. And I want to talk to him anyway because I want him to know just how eccentric my brother is. And that it can be done. No, this is good.

We want a match make here. I think it can be done. I think we should have a campaign. That is fantastic. To make it happen. Because it would be really entertaining for all of us. Yeah. You know, and he'll say, it's just radio.

That's what Floyd will say. He's got a radio show. Uncle Floyd's, I think it's called Uncle Floyd's Garage. Okay. And he's at like FDU maybe. Fairly Dickens in New Jersey. We're putting in a plug for it right now. Yeah. So now he owes us.

Now he owes us. Well, Chris. He owes Chris. Well, he should at least reciprocate and give Chris the time of day. Absolutely. Or call him and say no personally. A formal no, yeah, exactly. Well, no, I think that he doesn't understand what it is.

Yeah. And his manager, like I said, David, he only goes up to about 1975. His awareness. Okay. Well, so you're going to make this happen. Well, I vow to at least try my best. You promised. That's great. So it's a formal announcement. Chris, I hope you're listening because we definitely need to get Floyd the way he rescued Mickey Deems and Joey Fay. I hope you're listening because we definitely need to get Floyd. Good. The way he rescued Mickey Deems and Joey Fay, you need to help him.

If Gethard did a show in New Jersey, would it be easier to get him? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Okay. Yeah. And what if it was literally in Floyd's house? It would be great if Floyd took him around Patterson. Sure. And they would go to the Lou Costello Park where the statue of Lou Costello is.

Is that in Patterson or Jersey City? No, it's in Patterson. Okay. It's where the statue is and where there's a lot of junkies that live right around it. Oh. But it's interesting to see Lou Costello. They're big fans of Lou. Yeah.

Well, the shade at least that he offers. That statue is a great way to figure junkies. No, it's amazing though. He is so New Jersey and it low centric. He writes for the, he learned to speak Italian and he has an Italian radio show and he writes for the Italian press. I bet you're going to tell me he's never been to Italy. Never been to Italy. I knew it.

In fact, I wanted to take him. I said, let's go. I said, let's me, you and Jerry go to Calabria, to Catanzaro, to San Andrea where my father was born. The place where the language you learned is used. Let's go. We still have living relatives. Yes. I'm not going over there.

No. You know those people. He's our own people. He hates Italians. No, no. If they're not Americans, no. They made me learn this language. No, I think he would like to go.

I think it's on my bucket list to go with him over there. That sounds great. Just to see him, I'd be crying. Oh, yeah. Laughing, crying, and crying. He would know everything.

I'm afraid he wouldn't want to come back. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You just have to get him out of the attic. But first, you've got to get him

on the Gethard show, as you promised. First, let's get him to the middle of the house. All right, you bet. Get him to the middle of the house. Well, we have to wind it up, but this house. All right, you bet. Get him to the middle of the house. Well, we have to wind it up,

but this is so much fun talking to you. We'll definitely have you on again. Well, let's see what happens. Yeah. Let's see if we can get him. Let's follow up with this in a couple weeks. Or we can get him on the phone

with Gethard and me. Oh, yeah. We can at least record the conversation. I would just love to hear that no live in person. What is this? How much does it pay?

We'll record it, yeah. Love him, though. I love him to death. My brothers, my whole family. We've been lucky. We've been lucky to have a guy like Conan that you and I both, that's like- Well, not Floyd. Well, no.

But he's from a big Irish family, and he treats us all like family. We are like family. In both ways. In the passive-aggressive love way. And then also, when the shit hits the fan, he's there to protect us. And has been. And it's really great. He's not going to hear this, unfortunately.

Well, good. Then let's really talk the truth. You know what? We edit out anything that is complimentary to Peyton. No, well, because he can't take it. It snips right out. He can't take it. No, he wouldn't listen to it anyway.

That's part of that Irish Catholic thing. He can take it. I've heard him take it. Can snips right out. He can't take it. No, he wouldn't listen to it anyway. That's part of that Irish Catholic thing. He can take it. I've heard him take it. Can I go now? No. One more compliment. All right. Well, thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Jimmy. Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye. Hey, let's introduce

the person with us. Yes, we have a... This other voice in the room. It's Rhys Nicholson. Hello, Rhys. Hi. Very funny comedian from Australia. From Australia.

What part of Australia? I live in Melbourne now. Okay. I grew up in a place called Newcastle, which is like fine. I don't know what the point of reference is here, but it's like the small town next to the big town Okay, so suburbs Yeah, next to a beach

Now in Australia, does fine mean actually fine? It's like a coal mining town that's also next to a beach So if you weren't a football player or a teacher There wasn't much for old Recy in town Except football players So you had to go to the big city And miners teacher. Wasn't much for old Recy in town. Except football plays. So you had to go to the big city. Yeah, I got out of there quick sticks. You got on a bus and you had your little

hobo stick with your kerchief. Just when I'd been down at the creek catching frogs. Is that a thing that you do with those? Sure, of course. Yeah, then I moved to Sydney and lived there for about 10 years and then I moved to Melbourne a couple of years ago. Wow.

Sydney is where we met you because you were on the Conan and Friends Australia live comedy show. Yeah. How was that for you? It was so much fun. It was a bananas thing because it kind of came out of nowhere. I got a call from an agent that was like, so it hasn't been released yet, but Conan O'Brien is doing a show.

And I was in an airport lounge on my way to do a very shitty gig and I was kind of a little bit, like I'd been in like a touring for a while and I was just kind of, you get a bit tired after a while and it was just a very good news thing. But it was so far away. Like it was, oh, maybe it was like three months or something. It could have been that far. Yeah.

It all fell together quickly. Yeah. But it was just so out of nowhere and it was so exciting. But then it was just this thing, kind of like doing the show today, this thing in the back of my head for like three months. Looming, yeah. And you don't know what, like, I didn't know whether you guys were going to be there.

I didn't know whether like it was just him or like a tour manager or. Right. And then, yeah. What if it was that you were, he was doing like a ventriloquist act and you were his puppet? I'd be fine with that. You were on his knee. I'd be fine with it. That would be a good act because you two look very similar.

Google me, guys. Well, yeah, we should talk about that. Because do people ever, had people made that connection before you were on the show? Yeah, and I think people sometimes think that it's like a choice that I've made of like, I want to look like Conan O'Brien because that is how you get successful in this business. You look the most like the best person doing it. I don't think anyone really believes that. No.

No. Maybe Conan does. But no, but I've always like, I started dyeing my hair like 10 years ago. And like, I'm a redhead, just not this. And I like suits. Yeah. If anything, more useful that Conan stopped wearing suits. That's true.

I was going to say, are you going, yeah. I'm going to move over to Kordoray. Start wearing the leather jacket and tie it up. Yeah. Then they'll really put two and two together. You probably have another 40 years before you have to start doing that. Yeah, there's no red. Thank God.

But you'll still have to dye your hair. Yeah. That unfortunately can never stop. Well, that's what I was thinking about. I'm never going to know if – if I keep doing – I was only thinking about this last night about how I'll never know if my hair's going gray. Oh. I don't know. Well, that's good. This doesn't feel like the time or place to say this, but it was just a little existential crisis I had.

I think you will, though, because I don't know how often you have to dye your hair, but it starts coming fast. In the roots. Yeah. Or in my case, it just doesn't stop. But you've got that great, like David Byrne, like it's all white.

That is what you want if you're going to get it. I think you either want salt and pepper. You want Mr. Sheffield from The Nanny or you want David Byrne. Those are the two older men I want in my life.

Those are the only options Men can be This is more Dr. Albert Schweitzer I think Very very Just an old man's white hair But hey

I'll take David Byrne Thank you No you've got Like I saw David Byrne recently The show Like the show Oh does he perform Oh my lord

It's the greatest thing He's about to do Broadway He's doing like a run I just heard about that Oh that's awesome Where did you see it In Sydney. Oh, wow.

It is by far the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life of anything, of any genre, anything. Wow. The greatest thing. Is it autobiographical? No, it's like it's a live show and he does like a lot of talking heads songs. Okay. I was in the front row and I saw him. Yeah, because that would suck if he just didn't.

I went and saw Weird Al once and he only did his original songs, which I was like, I didn't know you wrote original music. Do the parodies. I was at a comedy club on a Sunday night. It was late at night. Bragging. Clang, I'll just pick out that. You've just

dropped. There's more bragging. There were 18 people in the crowd. Oh, yes. You've seen my work. And David Byrne walks in and sits down like 15 feet from the stage and all the comics were just freaked out. Panicking, yeah. Because he just had that placid look on his face,

not really smiling, just kind of staring with those high beams. And I think it just unnerved, everyone freaked out. He's one of those people where, because you know you just want, if you're somewhere like New York, you want to have like a, like spotting David Byrne feels like a tourist attraction. Like if I would just want to hang out in one of the like boroughs. The first time I ever went to New York, I ran, physically ran into Fran Lebowitz, like the writer.

That's perfect. And she looked at me. That was probably just someone in cosplay. Yeah. Times Square. That famous writer's block lesbian cosplay. But it was the perfect New York moment because we bumped into each other. She looked at me and went, ugh.

And stormed off. Conan O'Brien. I was like, Fran Lebowitz, that's all I wanted. I wanted her to be angry at me and storm off. So New York. Yeah. That's a quality one. Yeah.

It's like Woody Allen wasn't available. Send out Fran Lebowitz. Yeah. I'd say these days Woody Allen's pretty available. That's true. I think his calendar's pretty clear at the moment. Someone's got to make his next movie. But he's not allowed to go near schools.

No. Family members. He keeps marrying them. One time. Yeah. So, Rhys, you're going to be going on the show within the hour. Yeah. That has not quite crossed my mind yet.

Well, we've gotten... We're here to distract you. Sweeney and I, yeah. That's kind of what our new thing is, that we like to bring comics in here and then we just distract you until it's time for you to go out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you normally have a... What would you normally be doing right now before a show? Before any gig. Just heaps of blow.

No, I'm a very, like, I pace a lot. I just walk around a lot for things like this. Is that why you're so fit? Yeah. You get a lot of steps in. Yeah, check out this fit body. I'm going to Palm Springs next week and I'm really worried about it because I didn't realize it's Pride and there's just going to be a lot of people. Oh, wow. I'm going to Palm Springs next week and I'm really worried about it because I didn't realize it's pride.

And there's just going to be a lot of... Oh, wow. That's going to be big. I thought it was just going to be me and my... We're kind of frumpy gays. And now, I said yesterday, it's just going to be a lot of Joel Kim boosters. Just like a lot of just like speedo clad, good looking men. Yeah, with like eight packs.

Yeah. There are towns just around Palm Springs where I think you can be less buff. 29 Palms. Oh, there's a 29 Palms. The Indian Casino. Yes, there you go. That's a good place for you.

That's perfect. Right, thank you. I think it's a good halfway point. Is it the Monhegan Sun? Oh, I was thinking of the Chumash Casino. Oh, I don't know that one.

I don't know the way you do it. But no, I would usually probably be doing this, like sitting and talking to someone nervously so I'm not thinking about the fact that I have to go and do the thing. Oh. Well, good. We probably shouldn't have brought it up then. Well, let's talk more about Palm Springs.

I know. Let's talk about, do you have swim trunks ready? Yeah. Yeah. I've bought all that kind of stuff. Or a budgie smuggler. Oh, boy. I smuggle no budgies.

A little Australian lingo. Good Australian rep. Do you guys call them, or are they just speedos here? They're just speedos, yeah. Yeah, we call them speedos. But yeah, budgie smugglers are the, I mean, all the different phrases I'm still getting used to. I feel like I swear a lot for this country as well.

Really? Yeah, well, I won't say the word, but, like, we say the C word a lot in Australia. Right, right. And I think we talked about that a lot when you guys were in, like, you must have heard a lot of people, like, it kind of gets faded around. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and everyone's like, oh, my grandma's a C word. Yeah, yeah. Whereas here, like, I said it backstage the other night in a room full of comics, like, gasp and clutch their pearls. I was like, boy. Well, yeah, I guess we're pretty puritanical here. Well, that's not even, I think it's just, I think we're just, no, it seems like it's going great here, guys.

Everything's going to plan, right? This is the plan, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's accelerated plan. Someone's cranking up the timeline. We're fucked. We're all fucked.

Like, our country's gone all like mad and conservative. Does it go back and forth, though? I mean, does it swing timeline. We're all fucked. Our country's gone all mad and conservative. Does it go back and forth, though? Please don't say fucked. I'm sorry, go ahead. Oh, am I allowed to swear? Yeah, you are. I just realized, also, this is a podcast. You can edit that.

Yeah, you can edit it or bleep or whatever. No, but we don't. Yeah, like things that we have a conservative, it's very confusing in Australia because our conservative government is called the Liberal Party. Oh, that's insane. So I grew up thinking liberal bad. Yeah.

Right. So when I would watch American TV shows, they'd be like, and that liberal elite media was like, but they seem good. So what is the Liberal Party called? They're the Labour Party. Okay. Or the Greens Party are like the kind of far left ones. Right.

But no, yeah, we're in a, I think everyone, like you guys, the UK and us all thought we lived in very left countries. Yeah. Until the latest elections. Right. Like between Brexit, Trump and our government, we've all just gone, oh, right. I live in a bubble. Yeah.

So now I've come to LA. Because there's so, I mean, we live in cities and then, and. Then there's that middle bit. Yes. There's a lot more light that we're not in cities and then, right. Then there's that middle bit. Yes. There's a lot more land that we're not thinking about. Yeah. Yeah.

What's it like? Should I venture in there? Well, do you, are you doing any other gigs on this trip? Not really. Palm Springs is about as far as I go. I think you'll be in San Francisco. That's the real America. It's pretty liberal there. Yeah, like the, like what's the, because I want to start working here.

Like I like the, I feel like this is a good start You spent time in New York City right? Yeah You said? Yeah Okay Which is Europe right? Yes of course

Yes compared to Europe How much time have you spent In Los Angeles? Is this one of your first This is the first time really Oh okay Like the first proper time I came over to do some like

I was in an ad That was like For the tourism board For Australia Uh huh But I was here I was in an ad that was, like, for the tourism board for Australia. Uh-huh. But I was here for, like, a week and it was very, like, we were filming six to six. Wait, so you filmed the ad for the tourism board in Los Angeles? Yeah, it was, like, for, it was to say to Australians,

come to LA and San Francisco. Oh, I see. It was, like, me, like, come on. I was, like, remember those really terrible ads? They're, like, where the bloody hell are you? Remember those? Do they fare over here? No. No, never mind. Well those really terrible ads? They're like, where the bloody hell are you? Remember those? Do they fare over here? No.

No, never mind. Well, I've really... No, but I... We had a good vibe going. We're familiar with bad ads, though. Yeah. So I did that, but I wasn't really spending time here. I've done a lot of pretty...

I've done a lot of touristy stuff, I think. Oh, yeah? On this trip? Yeah, like just going... We looked at the tar pits. That's fun good tar guys thank you it still bubbles

it does there was a sign on one of them that said and it said look closer the tar is still live and sometimes

birds and mice get stuck in it I was like what I don't want to look at that you can watch something die there's a guy who throws them in

like once a week yeah if I wanted to watch something die I'd just go to look at that. You can watch something die. There's a guy who throws them in like once a week. Yeah. If I wanted to watch something die, I'd just go to any of the shows I've been doing. Now, don't talk that way. You're about to go on TV. It is very strange, though. I don't know what's going to happen. I know.

Has anyone ever? By the time this comes out, we'll all know whether you tanked or not. Yeah. Maybe I'll have a full-blown mental breakdown. I don't see that happening. And they still put it to air. Because it's the last existing footage of you. Yeah.

That's before you go out into the wild. I start shitting. It's the last he was seen before. No one ever sees me again. Ever in any context. What happened? I don't know. He shit his pants on Conan and just left.

His hair's gray. It grew out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He couldn't get down to a CVS to get the dye. Do you have a, is it, it can't be a CVS dye. Is it a CVS dye? Yeah, I just did it myself. Yeah, yeah.

What's your number, your color? It's like Swatchcoft or whatever it's called. What? Is that what it's called, Swachkoft or whatever it's called. What? Is that what it's called, Swachkoft? Maybe it's like an Australian English brand. I can definitely get it in the UK. Oh, I haven't checked here. Uh-oh.

Oh, God. And it's called like Smouldering Red or some bullshit. Oh. It's the longest relationship I've ever had with a person is the woman on that dime. So strangely, the most intense relationship I have is with a woman. Who knew?

That's very nice. I am trying to imagine, because you were talking a little bit about maybe doing gigs like in the heartland. Would you wear, because I'll describe what you're wearing to people. You're wearing a teal suit. Yeah. You have gold glittery nail polish. Yeah.

And a pompadour. I have an inch of makeup on. A wedding ring. Would you, is this, yeah, that's true. You do, I have an inch of makeup on. A wedding ring. Would you, is this, yeah, that's true. You do, I mean, they'll appreciate that. They like marriage. I don't know if they'd like to see who my husband is. No, but like it is, I think we have an idea,

the same way that maybe Americans have an idea of Australians, I think we have an idea of what the middle is and neither of those are probably correct. Like, I mean, there's a scale, I'm sure. Yeah. But I think everyone, a lot of people think that Australia is a very, like, good at, like, and we ride kangaroos to school and there's snakes on the street and stuff.

But then you came to Sydney and saw it is, I mean, you. It's a, yeah. It's a city. It's a metropolitan. Yeah. We have Starbucks. Ride kangaroos to work, not school. You have to graduate. And we have huge wombats It's a metropolitan city. Yeah. We have Starbucks. You ride kangaroos to work, not school. You have to graduate.

And we have huge wombats that work as school buses. Yes. Imagine the Flintstones, but somehow more racist. Well, how would you compare the audiences in Australia for comedy to here in the United States? It's definitely different. We were talking about this off mic earlier Like yesterday Yeah About which could be your podcast

Your other podcast Off mic Off mic, I love that Yeah It's like your little branch off one That's just a live conversation I think I think that's just conversing with others No, but we're going to brand it

Yeah I think it took me a minute here I think Because I talk very quickly And I kind of hop all over the place And comics here are very like relaxed I think it took me a minute here, I think, because I talk very quickly and I kind of hop all over the place. And comics here are very, like, relaxed, I think, and very kind of – It's the weed. There's a confidence to them. Yeah.

Which, by the way, well done, California. Oh, thank you. I'm having a great time. I may not remember Palm Springs. But, like, in Australia and the UK, you – this is, like, a boring way to put it, Polly, but, like but you open with your silver and you close with your gold. You come up and you just start. I think it's because the kind of clubs that we have are very quite brutal

and people get shouty. You've got to grab them, right? Yeah. Shut them up. You talk at them, not to them. Right. Where do you put your worst joke in the set? Just all of them.

They just plateau. The pig eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so I've kind of had to relax a bit more, which is quite tough. Just to be like, hi guys, instead of like, okay, we need to begin. Yeah. The clock is running.

Yeah, yeah. But no, I enjoy it. I think there's a confidence here. I think I heard Rose Matafayo Who's a metamotor talk about it on the podcast That there's an infectious And I agree with her There's an infectious confidence in this city That makes you want to go like

Yeah, I can do that If they can do it, I can do it Wow I wasn't going to say that That's how I feel You're meeting different people than I know in Los Angeles Comforted people There's definitely grief-stricken, desperate people deep in their eyes.

They're hard to see, though, because they become agoraphobic. They become shut-ins and they stop going out. I find this city, like, the gear changing of, as you drive through the city, of, like, wealth to definitely not wealth. And then wealth again. And, like, it's amazing. Right, right, right. It's amazing. It is crazy.

I know. And then wealth again? And like it's amazing. Right, right, right. It's amazing. It is crazy. I know. And yeah. And it just seems like every single neighborhood now is gentrified. Like there's the – Yeah. Like everything is – But then block to block kind of not like you can kind of see exactly where the gentrification has stopped. Even Beverly Hills.

Is being gentrified by richer white people. They are. They're tearing down mansions and building quadruple mansions. Oh, so I have one more question, which is, how has the live Conan show that we did, do you feel like that's helped you get better bookings in Australia? Or does nobody care? I think so.

No, I think it was more like, yes, like it's a thing to like say I've done. I think doing this is like the biggest thing. Because there's an actual like footage. Yeah. But I think in terms of like cred, it was like, like it's the most, any comic who's ever been a dick to me when those posters came out, I was like, well, well, well. Your initial laugh was the real answer.

Had you ever played that theater? I well, well. Your initial laugh was the real answer. Yeah. Had you ever played that theater? I had, yeah. We had, like, so many nice theaters. State theater. Yeah, the state theater is, like, beautiful. 2,500 seats. It was pretty big. Yeah, it's pretty sizable, and it's, like, it's quite, in a good way,

quite gaudy, I would call it. Yes. Like, statues on the walls and, like, a comedian came through there once and said it looks like a kebab shop owner won the lottery or donald trump yes exactly like a lot of gilded like it's really beautiful but also in like if you look closer you're like oh that's quite tacky yeah i think it's chipping i really like it yeah yeah there and the like the opera house is an incredible place to play but it's kind of the outside is more interesting than the inside no one really films like have you performed at the Opera House?

Oh, cool. Yeah. Not in a solo show, but like I've hosted stuff there and stuff. Oh, wow. We wanted to do a show at the Opera House and they heard. It's extortionate. Or no, we wanted to shoot in there. Yeah.

Because they weren't available that night and they heard we're doing a show at the state theater. And they were like, oh, no, you can't even shoot in here. Yeah. Outrageous. Which it's that funny, like theaters against theaters. Yeah. There's this whole other Game of Thrones going on

that we don't know about. Yeah. With very low stakes. Very low stakes. Season eight. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel confident that they'll get asked

to write more episodes for the last season. They're going to rework it. That'd be great. That'd be a show that just constantly reworks their final season. Oh, yeah. It could go on in perpetuity. I was so obsessed with that petition of like, I love when fans turn on something that is like, you're not right.

Like, this is the thing that you like. Yeah, yeah. This isn't a separate thing now. Like, I'm sorry if it's maybe not your favorite thing anymore, but it's still the thing that you're a fan of. I love that. But also the idea that you're somehow entitled. Yeah.

Like, they've already spent, I don't know how much, $80 million on it. And it was six feature films in a row. That's crazy. Just for nerds. Even if you didn't love – I just love that kind of – it happens a lot just on the internet. Just people raging against something that they have no control over. Yeah.

As long as that send button is there. Yeah, exactly. Well, Rhys, I think we have to probably let you go after that. Yeah, we should probably let you pace. You need to do some pacing. I feel like I gave you nothing. Hard pacing. No, to do some pacing. I feel like I gave you nothing. You gave us tons. You need to start doing some push-ups for Palm Springs.

So you have a lot of work to do. That's my charity, push-ups for Palm Springs. Yeah, have fun this weekend and be careful. I mean, don't do like PCP or something. Oh, God, no. God, no. I've been in a relationship for nine years. Yeah, why would you? No, thank you. I'll be stoned as fuck, no. God, no. Oh, oh, oh. I've been in a relationship for nine years.

Thank you. Yeah, why would you? No, thank you. I'll be stoned as fuck, though. All right, good. Well, yeah, we hope to see you back here soon. Hey, if I don't die in Palm Springs. Thanks, guys.

We'll see you next week. Thanks, Rhys. All right, that's our show. That was a great show. And we have a mission with Jimmy Vivino. We do. Let's see if we can come through with the goods. I know.

I really want to get Gethard that live no. Yes. But yeah, no, that was fun. And I'm glad. I hope that our listeners got to hear a little more about the inner workings of the show. Yes. And we'll see. Talk to you next week. We, talk to you next week.

We'll talk to you next week. We like you. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jesse Gaskell. Produced by Kevin Bartelt. Engineered by Will Becton. Mixed by Ryan Conner. Supervising producer is Aaron Blair. Associate producer, Jen

Samples. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross. And Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on

Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best. Ta-da! This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.